You saved so much money last year by not donating to any of the assorted bigot pizzas, and bigot florists, and bigot bigots. It is time for you to spend that money on YOU, by which we mean us, because we made you this game, or rather will have made you this game just as soon as you Kickstart it.
Oh my goodness, Wonkette’s Game Of US America Elections: The Game is so exciting! Here, I made you a video.
Auroch Digital, our partners in Wonkette’s Game Of US America Elections: The Game, are award-winning game designers (really!) out of Her Majesty’s Bum (that is English for “butt” by which we mean England), where they do the “Game the News” initiative that is very popular and also cool (they made a game about narcoterrorism, how fuckin’ rad is that), and they also made you a video.
But Wonkette, you are keening while smearing lipstick all over your face like you are denoting “crazy” in a feature film, how does it even work?
Well! Say you are Donald Trump. Once you have finished divorcing your fifth Eastern European immigrant wife, you try to win each state’s electoral votes, so you pull a “Wonk card,” or an “Appeal card,” and then you just … do what it says on the card, dummy! (Fun fact: Donald Trump is immune to “scandal cards,” because of how he loves Bible. Don’t laugh, JERKS! IT’S TRUE!)
Here, our friends at Auroch Digital wrote you a thing, because they are “professional” whatever:
Each player picks the candidate they are going to manage (we’re aiming to get a bunch of the 2016 ones in; Hillary, Trump, Bernie Sanders, Rubio, Rand, Carson, Carly Fiorina etc!). Each candidate has unique strengths and weaknesses. Then the player is dealt a hand of ‘Wonk Cards’; these can be new team members or dirty tricks to play on other players. Then we’re ready to get electin’! There are 50 states plus Puerto Rico and DC to battle over. Each state has a bunch of votes up for grabs and the players take it in turns to either grab votes, stab each other in the back or build up their campaign machine. The game moves state to state until they all been decided and that in turn decides who gets to be President!
The game design has a great balance between quick tactics and longer term strategy. It’s designed to be great fun to play in a group of friends.
DOESN’T THAT SOUND FUN FOR FRIENDS TO DO AND DRINK AT? It does!
OR, and this was my husband’s idea, and it was a super good idea which is why I love him besides that he is sexy and also knocked me up, just use the cards like a regular playing card deck. That is why we included Puerto Rico and the District of Columbia, to make 52, for a collectible playing card game complete with classy and elegant Wonkette humor. YOU’RE WELCOME, EASILY CONFUSED OLDS!
So, we need $30,000 because why? It is so we can print the games, since this is a physical card game and not even made out of pixels hardly at all. And then I will mail you the game in the mail, which costs money too. In fact, I am grifting hardly any money off this game unless you guys decide to go all wackadoodle insano and give us $300 million like that crazy Star Citizen video game, and, honestly, that sounds like a lot of stress. Think about it: have you ever seen that Zuckerberg boy look happy? Or that child who invented AirBnB? Of course you haven’t! Having anything more than $300 million is apparently the worst thing in the world! I mean, I’d have to get a warehouse. And an assistant. And probably at least one more postage printer. TOO MUCH WORK, I AM NOT THE OWNER OF AMAZON DOT COM!
In conclusion, please do not send us more than $300 million. But please do give us $30,000 or maybe up to say $180,000, but NO MORE THAN THAT. Then we can print your games and maybe do a “stretch goal” where we (by “we” of course I mean “Auroch Digital,” obvs and duh) make you a video game that does stuff.
Also, I told the Auroch Digital guys that you love to send us money, and that out of our 700 thousand to 900 thousand readers per month, 80 thousand of you actually are a “core audience” that comes lots of times a month, and if you guys all sent like $5 then we would not-not make our kickstarter, and I will not be embarrassed and ashamed :(
Also, if you send us like a hundred bucks, I will send you a shirt, which YOU ALREADY KNEW BECAUSE YOU WATCHED MY VIDEO AND IT WAS THE BEST. Oh, you wanted more details of what’s in it for you? Our Auroch pals made you this list.
- Just Give Us Money, M’kay? $Any (Unlimited) – I want this crazy project to happen but don’t need no more shit cluttering up my home.
- Early Bird Gets The Political Worm $14 (100) – I want the game, and I want it at a discount, Madam!
- Just the Game Ma’am $20 (Unlimited) – Basic game posted to you-a’ll (US price, other locations will add additional postage costs)
- Limited Edition $30 (150) – Game with Extra Game Modes in. Limited edition print run! Free copy of Narcoguerra game about Drug Wars (PC/Mac/Android. US price, other locations will add additional postage costs)
- I DID-ED THATS! Limited Edition $40 (100) – All the stuff above, plus you get your name in the game credits, because look at you, YOU DID-ED THATS!
- Co-designer $50 (75) – All of the above, but now you get to be a “co-designer,” which means you EXTRA did-ed thats!
- Super Co-Designer $70 (50) – As above tiers plus invites to live developer chats. Get a special Super Co-design credit. (US price, other locations will add additional postage costs)
- Limited Edition & T-Shirt $80 (25) – Game with Extra Game Modes in. Limited edition print run! Plus your choice of 3 Wonkette T-Shirts & Free copy of Narcoguerra game about Drug Wars (PC/Mac/Android)
- Super Co-Designer & T-Shirt $100 (25) – As above plus one of three Wonkette T-Shirts. (US price, other locations will add additional postage costs)
- Running Mate $1000 (3) – As above plus you get to pick subject and/or become candidate card yourself! (US price, other locations will add additional postage costs)
Those are very many good tiers. Here, have a pretty picture, on me!
Okay, ready? Set? KICKSTART! (Please.)
(And thank you.)
(Here, have a baby.)