BREAKING NEWS! On Jan. 19, in the year of our gun-totin’ Lord 2016, Sarah Palin will saunter out onstage with Donald Trump in Ames, Iowa, where she will caress his beautiful mane and say, “I also too Sarah Palin doncha know, America! And well you bet and all of them Katie, but I came all this way from up there in Alaska to say Donald Trump is the Mama Grizzly of MY heart, therefore he is my endorsement for president and Todd would like to be First Dude still.”
Or some collection of those words.
This comes after two whole fun-filled days of speculating whether Sarah would grace Trump with her magical SBD moose chili endorsement farts. Trump had Tweeter-faced out on Sunday that he had a BIG ANNOUNCEMENT to make at the Ames rally.
And all the dumb Trump supporters on the internet took pills so they could get erections, and they said, “Is it Sarah? IS IT? ISSSSSS ITTTTTTTTT?!?!?!?!?!!!!!ELEVEN!1!!!?
Here are all the reasons Wonkette knowed it was Sarah:
We knew it was probably Sarah Palin, because AIRPLANE!
Ooh, ooh, The Washington Post said a private airplane took off from Anchorage Monday night, and some commenters at Free Republic “spotted” it first, because we guess they are air traffic controllers now. It landed in Des Moines! IT MUST BE SARAH! But then WaPo said the plane went to the sky again and went to Tulsa, sadface. It wasn’t Sarah. It was probably just some cows on vacation.
But wait! WaPo UPDATED to say Trump has an appearance in Tulsa right after the Ames thing! Maybe Sarah was going to make gay love to Trump in Iowa, and then do it again in Oklahoma, in a surrey with the fringe on top! And if the plane was already in Tulsa when she gets there, that means it can take Sarah back to Alaska and this means it is Sarah OMG OMG OMG!
And now hooray, we know the Free Republic air traffic control guys were right, freedom and liberty and moose chili for everybody!
We knew it was probably Sarah because getting endorsed by John Wayne’s daughter is PFFFFFT DUMB.
For part of Tuesday, people wondered if maybe it wasn’t going to be Sarah, because this thing happened:
We don’t get why this would be SO exciting, but maybe Iowa Republicans, who usually have nothing better to do than discuss which brands of lube work best for coitus with the Iowa State Fair Butter Cow, would have been very excited about John Wayne’s unknown daughter endorsing Trump.
We knew it was Sarah because Ted Cruz was being a dick about the rumors.
Oh GURL, the Ted Cruz camp got all petulant and bitchy about the possibility of Palin endorsing Trump, saying it would be a “blow to Sarah Palin” if she did, because she’s America’s conservative sweetheart and The Donald loves liberal homo abortions, and there would go her credibility. True, Cruz is petulant and bitchy every single day of his life, but this was kind of special sorta kinda, since Trump and Cruz have been dick-fighting extra special these days.
And awwwww, looks like Trump decided to be a dick right back, when he announced Palin’s endorsement:
We knew it was Sarah because Bristol “blogged” a post about what a fucking fuck Ted Cruz is.
At the beginning of this post, Bristol is all, “Oh I’ve heard rumors, but I ain’t know nothin’ about politics, I’m covered in baby poo right now.” But at the end she said, “I hope … she endorses Donald Trump today for president,” which leads us to believe Bristol totally knew her mom was in Iowa, which meant she totally could get away with having a boy over for abstinence tonight.
Finally, we knew it was Sarah because she and Trump loooooooove each other like XOXO!
We mean come on, these two lovebirds have been tele-sharting this eventual announcement for a year now. Donald Trump said he might want to “tap” her for his administration, and we vomited into our own orgasms. She said OH DONTCHA BET, I would love to be “tapped” by Donald! She loves Trump because he’s a dumb, drunk Joe Sixpack-type guy who can’t talk good.
Sarah knows Trump is kind of a P.O.W. just like John McCain, because of his heroic service on “The Apprentice” or because of how good he yells about freedom or something. Good lord, he’s basically Jesus, when you look at him in the right light!
And look, we know Bristol slobs knob, but usually she doesn’t slob knob in such blatant political ways on behalf of her mother like she does with Trump. And she was pregnant with the Lord’s baby at the time!
The point is OH GOD, DEAR WONKETTE JESUS PLEASE, let this endorsement be the beginning of a beeeeeeyoootiful relationship between Trump and Palin, which ends in him “tapping” her for the veep slot, so that they may both get their sloppy dicks handed to them in November by President Hillary Clinton, AMEN.