Chris Christie Promises Kids They Can Eat All His Ice Cream For Lunch When He's President

You kids like ice cream?

• Maybe the reason Chris Christie's presidential campaign is about to keel over and die is because he's pandering to the wrong people:

  Chris Christie has a message for elementary studentswho miss school lunches like square pizza and crispy tacos nixed in favor of more nutritious meals.

  "I don’t care what you’re eating for lunch every day. I really don’t,” the New Jersey governor and Republican presidential contender told a student during a town hall Monday. “If I’m president, back to whatever you want to eat.”

  We have no doubt that the governor thinks it's fine for kids to shove crap down their face holes and call it lunch. After all, that's what he does:  

  The governor then sat back down to his nachos, which were dripping grease and piled prodigiously with three scoops of sour cream and guacamole over melted cheese. Diced tomatoes spilled onto the table. Christie, who has lost about 100 pounds since undergoing lap-band surgery last year, stopped drinking soda and rarely drinks alcohol, except for an occasional vodka “to take the edge off.” But he hasn’t relinquished some old delights. He surveyed the nachos and grabbed a large deck hewed together by coagulated Cheddar. “We don’t mess around,” he said, bringing the cluster to his lips. “I didn’t have breakfast today,” he added, as if by way of explanation. And then: “I had a little bit of ice cream around lunchtime.” When I asked if he felt better after his weight loss, Christie replied that he felt much the same physically but “much better psychologically.” He said he takes vitamins to stay healthy.

  When he's president (uh huh, suuuure), Christie will repeal Michelle Obama's stupid socialist lunchtime nutrition tyranny and let kids binge on all the pizzas and tacos and nachos and ice cream they want. So long as they promise to balance it out with some Flinstones Gummies . For their health.

• Have you read Ali Davis's amazing fantastic brilliant OMG SOOOOO BRILLIANT The Presidential Candidates Ranked By Their Usefulness In A Bar Fight, over at our beloved snipy's Bitter Empire, and if not, why not? Seriously, what the hell are you waiting for?

  He’s wiry, he’s mad, and he’s dealt with way too much bullshit to take anyone else’s.

  Picture a furious Bernie Sanders coming at you while brandishing a pool cue and screaming at his mid-speech Full Righteous volume. You’re damn right you’d be scrambling backwards while trying to cover your vital organs. If you see even a hint of an impending tavern brawl, get Bernie on your side immediately, and use him for cover if you’re injured. They shall not pass.

  You need to go read about all the candidates, right now. RIGHT. NOW . Go on, we'll wait for you.

• More like  cashewwwwwwws , amirite?

  Trader Joe’s issued a recall Sunday for its raw cashew pieces after the company was contacted by a supplier about possible salmonella contamination. [...]

  No illnesses have been reported, but the company is instructing consumers who purchased a bag with the specific Best Before label to discard the product or return it for a full refund. [...]

  Concerned shoppers are being instructed to call Trader Joe’s Costumer Relations at (626) 599-3817.

• Awwww, look, so adorbs. Michele Bachmann has feminism thoughts about Hillary's vagina:

  “I really do have great empathy for what Mrs. Clinton is going through, because the hill that she has to climb on -- appearance -- it's just a different hill than men have to climb," Bachmann said. "I'm not whining about it. It's just reality. It is what it is."

• Eagles co-founder and guitarist Glenn Frey has died at 67 from "complications from Rheumatoid Arthritis, Acute Ulcerative Colitis and Pneumonia":

  Eagles bandmate Don Henley said in a statement: “He was like a brother to me; we were family, and like most families, there was some dysfunction. But, the bond we forged 45 years ago was never broken, even during the 14 years that the Eagles were dissolved. [...]

  "I’m not sure I believe in fate, but I know that crossing paths with Glenn Lewis Frey in 1970 changed my life forever, and it eventually had an impact on the lives of millions of other people all over the planet. It will be very strange going forward in a world without him in it. But, I will be grateful, every day, that he was in my life. Rest in peace, my brother. You did what you set out to do, and then some.”