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Seriously, America, cut it out

Wasn’t President Barry H. Oh Yeah In Your Face Bamz’s final State of the Union address SO exciting, you guys? Not according to Donald Trump, who deemed it “really boring, slow, lethargic – very hard to watch!” But that’s probably because the president used too many big words for Trump to follow, like “the” and “America.”

In his brief 22-minute speech that lasted just over an hour, our favorite Obama showed up, the one who is fresh out of fucks for you Republicans nihilist obstructionist a-holes who think gravity is almost as big a hoax as the so-called “state” of Hawaii.

While Republicans preemptively pronounced the speech WORST EVAH! even before they saw it — for reals, Bill O’Reilly declared on his show just before the address that he intended to inform his viewers of just how bad it was, regardless of content — it was, overall, a gentle and inoffensive speech. Oh, except for when he made Republicans SO mad they actually booed him for this egregious claim:

I told you earlier all the talk of America’s economic decline is political hot air. Well, so is all the rhetoric you hear about our enemies getting stronger and America getting weaker. The United States of America is the most powerful nation on Earth. Period. It’s not even close.

Pffft. There he goes again, hating America like how he do, by saying we’re not in our last desperate throes and our enemies are not about to kill us dead. What an unpatriotic jerk, huh?

Sure, the president divisively and provocatively mentioned Obamacare (still not dead, suck it!), and also how science is a real thing, and how he’d officially making Vice President Joe Biden Lord God King Czar of Curing Cancer. And yeah, he did toss in a line about how it’s cool that people who love each other can get married now, even if they have matching genitals.

But the part that really riled Republicans — aside from saying America, like Obamacare, is still not dead — was when Obama called on us, his fellow Americans, to not be such rage-monkey dick-kickers because that is NOT an American value, and it’s not even good policy:

That’s why we need to reject any politics that targets people because of race or religion. This isn’t a matter of political correctness. It’s a matter of understanding what makes us strong. The world respects us not just for our arsenal; it respects us for our diversity and our openness and the way we respect every faith. His Holiness, Pope Francis, told this body from the very spot I stand tonight that “to imitate the hatred and violence of tyrants and murderers is the best way to take their place.” When politicians insult Muslims, when a mosque is vandalized, or a kid bullied, that doesn’t make us safer. That’s not telling it like it is. It’s just wrong. It diminishes us in the eyes of the world. It makes it harder to achieve our goals. And it betrays who we are as a country.

No wonder Donald Trump was bored. When he is president, he will no doubt announce, during his first State of the Union, a new initiative to vandalize ALL the mosques and bully ALL the kids and tell the rest of the world to suck his big classy bar of gold because America, fuck yeah and fuck your mom! (Or your hot daughter, ewwwwww.) Actual President Obama, however, sees things differently:

It won’t be easy. Our brand of democracy is hard. But I can promise that a year from now, when I no longer hold this office, I’ll be right there with you as a citizen — inspired by those voices of fairness and vision, of grit and good humor and kindness that have helped America travel so far. Voices that help us see ourselves not first and foremost as black or white or Asian or Latino, not as gay or straight, immigrant or native born; not as Democrats or Republicans, but as Americans first, bound by a common creed. Voices Dr. King believed would have the final word — voices of unarmed truth and unconditional love.

Clearly, invoking the great conservative Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., was a real co-optive dick move, but the president wasn’t even done reminding us that we should try being nice to our fellow citizens, even the ones who aren’t straight white dudes, because (allegedly) we’re better than that:

That’s the America I know. That’s the country we love. Clear-eyed. Big-hearted. Optimistic that unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word. That’s what makes me so hopeful about our future.

Is he right? Who knows? But we’ll find out next January, when the new president stands before Congress and America to declare either that we are good and decent people, or, if Obama is wrong, that we are about to bomb the shit out of ISIS and all the Muslims everywhere, to Make America Great Again.

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  • Lizzietish81

    Is it true that Barry made sure Kim Davis was surrounded by the gay and taunted for her bad hair and clothes?

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    O.T.-but speaking of dicks-who sent Ritzheimer a genuine Bag of Dicks in Oregon? It HAD to be somebody from here. Step forward, Patriot, and receive the commendations due you from your fellow Wonketeers.

    • Lizzietish81
      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        I’d be mad too if I didn’t get any Skoal and I had to wave a giant dildo around on camera.

        Unless it was that, you know, other kind of camera.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Ah, much obliged, friend.

      • Msgr_Moment

        I find it hateful that he should label dildos at hate mail. We’re just trying to anticipate the needs of a bunch of burly macho men camped out alone, next to each other, without female companionship, their musky man smells permeating the air…

        • Dr. Krieger IRL

          It’s just common courtesy!
          Calling our gifts hatemail is just hurtful!

        • Lizzietish81

          Maybe we should have sent viagra

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            And Beano.

          • eggsacklywright

            Or, contrarily, several pounds of roasted garlic.

          • MrBlobfish

            And deodorant. Place must stink of beer farts and BO.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            And that was on the first day!

          • Gayer Than Thou

            Do you know how expensive that stuff is? Not that quality dildos are any cheaper. Thanks, Obama!

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            May as well get cheap ones if you’re just gonna shove them… Never mind.

          • Lizzietish81

            So we’ll send the cheaper “herbal” remedies.

          • Dr. Krieger IRL

            And a subscription to Extenze?

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Really?!?

    • Randy Riddle

      Obama sent a bag of dicks to the Republicans in that speech.

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        Several, actually.

    • JustPixelz

      Actually someone sent him TWO bags of dicks. One the bags is missing for some reason.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Did you mislabel the other one?

        • Msgr_Moment

          They’ll be in their bunk.

    • deanbooth

      I am Spartacus!

    • Jenny

      Reddit.

  • dslindc

    Don’t forget to be nice to that corporation down the street because we all know they are people, also too!

  • dslindc

    But we can still send salted rat dicks to the Bundy “militia” in Oregon, right?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      You guys are gonna make them all pouty.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Extra-strength Midol, then.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          No, that’s crampy.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Mein Krampf?

        • eggsacklywright

          Or a bullet-shaped pacifier.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            They got a lot of those. Look like 30mm rounds, only soft.

    • Just so they don’t end up in the wrong mouth:

      Malheur National Wildlife Refuge
      36391 Sodhouse Lane
      Princeton, Oregon 97721

    • coozledad

      Why keep Gitmo open if we can’t use it for terrorists?

    • VandeGraf

      I don’t think salting the rat dicks will fly. They might be on a paleo-diet, seeing as how their thought process are so paleo.

      • Tansy Geek

        But raw rat dicks would be ok,right?

        • DahBoner

          Only if we call it rat Dick sashimi. These guys are Rich Rancher fancy pants foppish dudes.
          https://media2.giphy.com/media/13r5cLwRjhteQE/200w_d.gif

        • david green

          Maybe a nice penis cake. That Oregon bakery is around there somewhere, isn’t it?

          • Tansy Geek

            In honor or Wednesday Addams, only if they are made from real penises. Rodent penises being an Alton Brown aproved substitute for human.

    • tehbaddr

      Lightly salted, those goobers look to have heart problems.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Apparently they didn’t like the unsalted plastic dicks much.

      Maybe because “not snacks,” so ratdicks might be different.

    • Swampay

      It’s about a ten hour drive from my house to the Yee-Had. I could hand deliver a truckload of salted rat dicks to the Bundys if you wanted.

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    “The United States of America is the most powerful nation on Earth. Period. It’s not even close.”

    Could be if Congress cared enough to play ball.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Donald Trump predicted Iran would keep our sailors to taunt us.

    They were released early this morning.

    Donald Trump is a failure at anticipating foreign policy issues.

    Donald Trump played “Born in the USA” at his rally, knowing full-well that Springsteen would not approve and without seeking his permission, and this is the same Donald Trump whose lawyers spend half their time suing anybody who uses the word “Trump” in the name of a product to “protect his brand”.

    Donald Trump is a hypocrite on intellectual property rights also too.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      We could save a lot of time and effort by finding the issues on which he is not a hypocrite.

    • JaaaaaCeeeee

      My favorite Donald Trump hypocrisy is his promise to raise taxes on the wealthiest and himself a lot. His supporters never got the news of him giving himself a yoooge tax cut in writing.

  • Msgr_Moment

    The United States of America is the most powerful nation on Earth. Period. It’s not even close.

    Make America great greaterer greaterest again!!

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Greatester.

    • JustPixelz

      But that doesn’t fit on a hat.

      • Dr. Krieger IRL

        Yeah, it’s a tight fit.

  • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

    No snark: “Our brand of democracy is hard.” Maybe the most important line of the speech in some ways.

    Snark back on: This better not mean I have to do more than announce I’ll be in my bunk at regular* intervals on a certain grifting mommyblog.

    *I mean, you could set your watch by me.**

    **I mean, if you had a watch. You don’t have a watch. Why would you have a watch?

    • Msgr_Moment

      It’s hard keeping up with your “minute” hand.

      • deanbooth

        Not to mention his sloppy “seconds.”

    • Gleem-McShinez

      MAKE AMERICA ‘BATE AGAIN

  • JustPixelz

    “unarmed truth and unconditional love will have the final word”

    HE’S DISARMING TRUTH! He’s repealed The Amendment.

  • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

    Also too, was I the only one a little uncomfortable–as in, dismayed and pissed off–that Bamz *bragged* that we spend more on the military than the next 8 nations combined? I get the strategy behind it, but still . . .

    • Duke

      Well, he’s making weapon fondlers look stupid. I thought he should have added that of the next 14 that 8 are our besties and another 5 are friendly. Only China and Russia are actually adversaries. Brazil? Meh.

  • actor212

    *BarackObama voice*

    Some of us, never were. Some of us, can’t help. They will always BE dicks. Snackless dicks.

    / BarackObama voice

  • Msgr_Moment

    That’s why we need to reject any politics that targets people because of race or religion.

    But snark against the twatwaffles is still allowed, I hope, pretty please?

    • Duke

      People who suck are still fair game.

      • PAJane aka Awesome Tits

        People who suck are always fair game.

  • Vienna Woods

    What I loved was that all the GOP tweeters were all about the sailors, major crisis, who cares about stupid speech when brave Americans etc, etc, and then Iran releases them with no fuss whatsoever. Why, it’s almost as if the Admin knew what they were doing.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      It’s almost as if it was an accident or something, and nobody really gave a shit.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      My Favorite Facebook Idiot spent the evening screeching about exactly this.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        IRANGHAZI !!!!!!11!1

    • BadKitty904

      Truly. “Meanwhile, back in Reality…”

    • DemmeFatale

      And this from the party that (some feel) told the Iranians to release the hostages in 1980 after St. Ronnie’s election.

    • JaaaaaCeeeee

      Iranian foreign policy minister (the one who schooled and trolled Tom Cotton so well last year) Javid Zarif tweeted, “Happy to see dialog and respect, not threats and impetuousness, swiftly resolved the #sailors episode. Let’s learn from this latest example”

      A few hours earlier, he tweeted, “Diplomacy is the domain of the mature; not arrogant nouveau-riche”.

  • Malmborg Implano

    “It won’t be easy. Our brand of democracy is hard. But I can promise that a year from now, when I no longer hold this office, I’ll be right there with you as a citizen — inspired by those voices of fairness and vision, of grit and good humor and kindness that have helped America travel so far. Voices that help us see ourselves not first and foremost as black or white or Asian or Latino, not as gay or straight, immigrant or native born; not as Democrats or Republicans, but as Americans first, bound by a common creed. Voices Dr. King believed would have the final word — voices of unarmed truth and unconditional love.”

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Some shit. I predict a good future for that young man.

  • Randy Riddle

    Asking the current crop of GOPers not to be dicks is a bit like asking a diabetic two-year old in a candy store to please put down all the Hershey bars.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Terrible Twos Libel!

  • VandeGraf

    Anything the man does or says will have the GOP fabricating outrage. Sad, but true.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      So, worse or better if Hillary wins?

      • BadKitty904

        About the same, but more vicious. For the GOP, her whiteness entitlement is cancelled out by her womanness.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          You’d think that after 7 years of this shit, a couple of them would figure out that it’s bullshit. Like anybody keeping a scorecard.

        • chicken thief

          At least maybe Bill won’t go on those $400M vacations to India and run up the deficit like Mooshell did so they won’t have that to bitch about.

          • BadKitty904

            Oh, the rage-monkeys will find something to howl about…

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        That’s the million-dollar question. If they continue with the hatred and obstructionism for another four (or eight!) years, they’ll find themselves on the general public’s shit-list for decades. In the long run, I’m not sure that’s a bad thing.

        • revenant

          whaddaya mean “if”? and as for the general public, they have the corporate media to run interference and both-sides-do-it and just generally ignore inconvenient facts, nothing to see here, go back to sleep dear general public
          what, you’re still awake? well, we have an unlimited bag of shiny objects and pointless diversions (looking at you, sportsball) to keep you entertained while we steal everything

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            The StormTrumpers have seen the man behind the curtain. They’re not going Democrat, because they’re still racist dumbasses, but neither are they blindly abetting the oligarchy anymore — see Jeb!’s poll numbers.
            (It’s weirdly hilarious that their idol is yet another billionaire, but like I said: dumbasses.)

  • Duke

    Won’t Republicans be happy that he mentioned terrorists that were actually killed?

    Perhaps Trump would have been entertained by a live execution. “And now, we’re going to behead this heathen.” And make him pay for it.

    • Msgr_Moment

      “And now, we’re going to behead this heathen. Hold my beer.”

      FTFY

      • Ricky Gay

        now watch this drive…

    • Antimassacree

      Making the execution victims’ families pay for the bullets is a dick move for the likes of the PRC government and Trump!.

    • chicken thief

      I thought he should have extended that list a little. Everybody knows OBL, but under this admin the Head of AQ and any number of their Top 10 have been killed. There for awhile iirc, they had a vacancy at #1 that no one wanted to fill because the life expectancy was pretty short. Sort of like the lack of applicants to fill Boner’s shoes.

  • Vincent Ricola

    I love President Obama and am going to miss him saying beautiful words. I hope he gets a podcast after all is said and done.

    • Antimassacree

      I hope he follows through on his initiative with young black men and that he does even more good there than President Carter did with houses.

    • BadKitty904

      I can only hope he will freely and publicly express himself, post-POTUS. He’ll have to speak up, though, to be heard over the sound of Teapublican heads exploding.

      • Just the fact that he’ll always be known as President Obama, that he’s wealthy and respected, and will have a very enjoyable life after leaving office is enough to make their heads explode.

        • BadKitty904

          I can live with that.

  • Antimassacree

    Am reminded of Heinlein’s Lazarus Long who opined (paraphrased!): Appealing to your opponent’s better nature is a dicey proposition, but appeal to their self-interest and win every time. I thought the President’s suggestion to Congress that they would enjoy their jobs more if they weren’t being obstreperous assholes most of the time was his best rhetorical move. But since the GOP is all about voting against self-interest to make others more wealthy even that might not work.

    • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

      Like trying to appeal to the rational self-interest of a meth-addled toddler.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Selfishness guarantees citizenship. Would you like to learn more?

      • Antimassacree

        Not really, though I would like to watch the unedited shower scene again.

      • dshwa

        “It’s an ugly planet, a Bug planet! A planet hostile to life as we know it”

        Sounds like Congress to me.

  • Jenny

    That man is too good for this America.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Word.

    • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

      Are we talking about Evan or Dok?

    • BadKitty904

      It’s a sad thought that a true American is so clearly the exception in these times.

      • Toomush_Infer

        An exceptional American?…

  • artem1s

    to imitate the hatred and violence of tyrants and murderers is the best way to take their place

    unfortunately, right out of the GOP play book.

    • Rick Hill

      Yeah. I thought that was actually going to be the gop’s main plank at the convention this year.

  • Rick Hill

    Shit. I missed it. So Bam da man didn’t whip off his human mask to reveal he’s actually a lizard? Hmmm. Maybe next time around.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Nah, that’s for Carly’s SOTU address.

      Ha! Like that would ever happen!

  • our favorite Obama showed up, the one who is fresh out of fucks for you Republicans nihilist obstructionist a-holes

    Those would be the same obstructionist a-holes who he relied on to pass Fast Track. And whom he’ll need to get the TPP passed.

    Fuck that noise.

    http://www.commondreams.org/news/2016/01/12/progressive-flank-refuses-accept-obamas-relentless-pitch-tpp
    ~

  • beatbort

    Donald Trump learned everything he knows about speechifying from repeated viewings of “Triumph of the Will”. So, of course, he was bored last night.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      Leni Reifenstahl would probably be flattered, but ewww… Trump.

  • MrBlobfish

    Actually, being a rage-monkey dick-kicker is what America is all about.

    • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

      There’s the paradox, right? Freedom for all, if you don’t end up in the piles of corpses we had to made, and have to make, for, uh, freedom.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      Only since it became popular in the USA to just hang all your shit out in the street. Constantly.

  • Bill Slider

    Shorter SOTU: I am the meanist, strongest badass this side of anywhere, and I have the biggest dick as well.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      You just know that all the Republicans went home, and got zero nookie last night.

      • Toomush_Infer

        And that was different how?…

      • OctopiRage

        What, hate fucks with rent boys don’t count?

    • Rick Hill

      To which the republicans replied: “Oh yeah! Well, ….we ARE the biggest dicks so how do you like that?”

    • OctopiRage

      The theme from Shaft should have been played rather than Hail to the Chief.

      • Bill Slider

        Yes, and Hell yes.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Voices Dr. King believed would have the final word — voices of unarmed truth and unconditional love.

    Unarmed? Didn’t Chris Kyle’s widow just get finished telling him how guns kept her husband safe?

    • Joe

      Neither Kyle nor his widow are creditable on any subject other than to how to fleece people out of movie ticket money.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        It was actually a decent movie . . . you have to realize that “based on” doesn’t make it a biography. The movie character was ambivalent and conflicted about his job, probably far more than Kyle was in reality.

        • Joe

          Kyle was well known for “enhancing” the stories of his “exploits” and passing them off as “true”,… much as he did with his whole life. It cost him in a very expensive court proceeding. I have no interest in watching fairy tales of his killing real or imagined. Neither his exploits, life or his wife’s opinions are of any consequence.

    • Bad Granny

      That shooting range he was shot at must have been a gun free zone.

      • JohnQFugly

        Aw man, you win the inner nets today

  • Courtney

    I am going to miss him so much. :-/

    • BadKitty904

      Well, it will be interesting to watch Hilz at that podium, baiting the crowd of seething GOP rage-monkeys…

      • Steverino247

        I prefer Mr. Sanders, who has already done it from the floor of the Senate.

        • OctopiRage

          One of the reasons I was so disappointed in Anthony Weiner imploding. He and Sanders could have browbeat the fuck out of them.

          • Steverino247

            Repressed sexual urges always squirt out somewhere.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Yeah, but the GOPtards don’t take him seriously. They know that Hillz is going to be President of them, which gets them steaming mad even before she says a word.

          • Steverino247

            No, it’s vagina envy.

      • DemmeFatale

        …and all she has to do to make their heads assplode is exist.

        • BadKitty904

          “How DARE she?!?1?” ~ the GOP

  • AnOuthouse

    So Mr. Libtard Leader is getting all leaderly on us. He’s not fooling us. We can see through his lies.

  • Antimassacree

    Trump!’s saying the SOTU was boring is an indictment of his not-at-all-yooooge mental capabilities and inability to engage in serious thought. Not every topic can be made ‘entertaining’.

    • BadKitty904

      “At least at my rallies, people get beat up!”

    • MrBlobfish

      Trump’s State of the Trump speeches would be so good for the country. Am I right? No one give speeches like him.

      • Steverino247

        Yuge!

      • eggsacklywright

        Maybe someday even the rubes will figure out that he’s saying the same fucking thing over and over again.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          It’s the only thing they want to hear, so it doesn’t faze them.

        • MrBlobfish

          Well, he does try to use words with no more than two syllables.

          • SqueakyRat

            If there were words with no syllables, he would be all over them.

          • He used “lethargic” in the tweet he sent out. Maybe that was his word of the day? Or the safer assumption is one of his long-suffering staff sent it.

        • revenant

          rubes don’t do “figure out”- this is central to being a rube

      • SqueakyRat

        Fantastic speeches. Packed houses everywhere. The most amazing man in human history. He is the Champion. We are the Champions. Bomb the shit out of everything!

      • HenryKillinger

        The crowds will be 400, maybe even 500 million people.

    • chicken thief

      They can be if you have security toss enough people.

  • Angry_Cop

    I have recently discovered that the only sure-fire way to piss any conservative off is to tell them how great America is.

    Boy, if that doesn’t say it all I don’t know what does.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      They have become a bunch of whiny, low-bar m-fers, haven’t they?

      • Damian L

        I remember them being that way when Carter was POTUS,shifted into low-bar overdrive for Reagan and never looked back.

      • Angry_Cop

        More than that; they’re literally becoming the people that they used to scream “America, love it or leave it” at, minus only some superfluous hair and patchouli.

        • Naytch

          I said that with no small enjoyment to a few folks when PRESIDENT Obama was elected and yeah, elected AGAIN. I also might have mentioned Somalia as having the kind of freedumb they were longing for.
          Edit: (The capslock just feels right, sorry for shouting.)

  • BadKitty904

    I was impressed by Bamz attacking the foundation of the current Republican platform – fear.

    • beatbort

      Exactly. If you’re not deeply afraid of the world around you, you are not a good American.

      • Hardly Ideal

        Oh, I’m afraid alright. Ever since Paul Broun- not even a week out from the 2008 election- compared Obama to Hitler, I’ve been consumed by this sinking feeling that my countrymen, my representatives, and even my family and friends, were dumber and crazier than I dared think.

    • Lady Bug

      I’m impressed that he has enough self-control & poise not to go bat-shit on the entire congress, seriously I would have lost it within a week. I’m also impressed that despite evidence to the contrary over the last 7 years, he still (apparently) believes in our innate goodness and fair mindedness.

      • BadKitty904

        That last bit is what I think I will remember about his Presidency for the rest of my life.

        • Indeed. And I believe he will go on to do great things.

        • TheOtherHeadlessThompsonGunner

          What does it say about our political culture–or maybe just Headless’s heart–that his conclusion almost sounds incredibly naive about both history and the present? I mean, I was moved. Perhaps not as much as you, but I was, but at the same time I found myself wondering how one builds a politics out of it, at all, much less during an election year.

      • chicken thief

        That he didn’t stare right at The Turtle or Paul ‘P motherfucking 90X’ Ryan and say “ya, I’m talking to YOU!” was an amazing display of self-control.

        • DemmeFatale

          I felt it, though.
          I’ll bet he was thinking it in his heart.

  • Msmlg1979

    Old Handsome Joe, I’m gonna need you to get on curing cancer stat.

    • marxalot

      Like last week.

    • Zippy

      Why do Democrats hate oncologists and want to put them out of work?

      • OctopiRage

        Shhh, everybody knows big pharma already cured cancer with bleach enemas.

        • Zippy

          and cinnamon

          • david green

            I thought it was baking soda to cure the fungus.

        • HenryKillinger

          And huffing hydrogen peroxide.

      • Msmlg1979

        We can retrain them to work at the expanded abortionplex. When we ad the drive-through we’re gonna need all hands on deck.

      • JohnQFugly

        And why are they so against buying pink shit for “awareness”?

  • Jason M

    Wouldn’t it be cool if all the GOP dicks were flying back to whatever GOP dick state they’re from, like all-at-once carpool style, when the intercom comes on and the pilot introduces himself…. and it’s Obama. Like, “I know you have a lot of choices when it comes to air travel, and I just want to thank you for flying with Barack”. And they’ve all gotta either let him fly the plane, or scramble for the one parachute or whatever. That would be cool.

    • OctopiRage

      Pfft, Bamz would have the parachute and aim for a mountain. Or maybe that’s me…

    • DemmeFatale

      Where’s your “gravity is just a theory” now, assholes?!

    • I’d pay good money to see that happen.

    • HenryKillinger

      And the one parachute is actually an ACME anvil.

  • undercover epicurean

    But being dicks is what Americans do best! just ask anybody from any other country.

    • Dr. Krieger IRL

      I thought it was overeating we were best at.

      • OctopiRage

        We can multitask, USA! USA! USA!

      • mardam422

        Eating too many dicks? Prolly that too.

  • Toomush_Infer

    I love how, after seven years of teahadists crying apocalypse, the shit still hasn’t hit the fan….that must be the most annoying thing to the “You lie!” crowd…

    • Steverino247

      Doesn’t faze them a bit. Years after Obama is out of office, they’ll still be yelling about how he took their guns away. Sort of like those people in the South who rant about how the Yankees destroyed all the plantations while standing next to one that’s now a museum.

      • Zippy

        Yup, as far as they’re concerned, the shit DID hit the fan. Facts and truth are meaningless to them. You can point out the economic gains and they’ll still claim the economy is swirling down the toilet. You can point out any truth and they will simply dig in their heels and believe the opposite.

    • Damian L

      that’s all they got

    • JohnQFugly

      No, Obamabots are definitely coming to get all the gunz. Prolly on the last day of his term. Molon Labe.

  • Max Newman

    Love it how the repugs booed when the truth was stated that America is great. If you don;lt think America is great and you hate America so much, why stay?

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Love it or leave it.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Tell me about it. Aren’t they the ones who always say “If you don’t like X, then LEAVE?”

      Which reminds me, whatever happened to those libertarian dweebs who wanted to make an oil rig micro-nation west of San Francisco?

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        They’re all washed up

  • Zippy

    Trump and the Trumpkins- anything more subtle and nuanced than a circus midway is boring…

    • revenant

      needz moar car chases. and exploshunz

  • DahBoner

    Let me summarize Obummer’s fiendish plan:

    “Let’s not do stupid things like that guy. Uh, what was his name again….?”
    http://media.salon.com/2010/09/george_w_bush-620×412.jpg

  • Mavenmaven

    If Trump is elected, first he will make jokes about Obama, to get back at him from the press dinner a few years ago, then attack Muslims. Fortunately for comedy, that will never happen.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Barack Obama is better than we deserve, as a nation. Because there are a LOT of really shitty people in this country. I won’t name them all, but we can start with Donald Trump, Bill O’Reilly, and Rafael Cruz. Oh, and John Ellis Bush, his brothers, his sister, his father, his mother, and his kids.

    • SisterArtemis

      I kind of like Babs, though – if you could get her to really dish, maybe with a nice cordial handy, I bet you’d end up teasing a lot of good dirt…er, I mean Stories out of that gal.

  • chicken thief

    Not only did HUSSEIN steal lines (not those lines, you drug crazed Wonkettes, but prolly also too, those lines) from MLK but he also too paraphrased Reagan and Nixon at various points.

    Time to take our country back from this soshulist Natzee!11!!!!!

    • eggsacklywright

      Ah, the Not-See party – a wing of the Know-Nothings.

    • jazzsax_ut

      satire… love it. You really have those right-wing crazies down pat.

  • chicken thief

    Barry asks for R’s and Teabaggers to tone down the rhetoric and join in the governing process. Before he even finishes shaking hands after the speech, R’s and Teabaggers crank the rhetoric to eleventy.

    • SisterArtemis

      They have a goal: twelventy is out there somewhere!

  • Shorter Obama: “You want to make America ‘great’ again? Then stop being society’s unwashed asshole, and stop licking at the taint of the Dirty Asshole Coalition.”

    Actually, I wish Obama HAD said that plainly and precisely. With such “straight talk”, I think even Trump’ embarrasing Klan of dimwitted poo-flingers would have understood the basic principle.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    UNARMED????? UN-FUCKING_ARMED????!!

    No wonder the right-wing wackaloons were upset with the speech!

  • Mr Corrections
    • revenant

      gosh- little Eddie Munster is all growed up now. and an asshole

    • ‘Cause Odie’s kind of dumb, obviously.

    • Incoming Ham

      Wistfully longing for the days before he thought it was a good idea to take Speaker job.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Can you even imagine Trump giving a SOTU speech? Or any speech, as opposed to the stream-of-consciousness insult-comic monologues he delivers on the stump?

  • SK

    Ammon and Trump too? Or just Cruz and Rubio?

  • Thinking about a bag of dicks…

    • cmd

      Apparently she applauded even less than the basic republicans, I think Huffpost counted 4 times. She didn’t even stand up at the end when everyone else was.

      • Hardly Ideal

        I’m just wondering why she was even there in the first place. Was she hoping to top Joe Wilson with some ass-brained outburst?

        • cmd

          Supposedly she was supposed to be a sobering or disapproving presence, or something something, to counter Obama being all happy about gay marriage. And to “encourage” Christians. Something, something.

    • eddi

      Mrs. Grundy sitting there disapproving everything.

    • blondeiq

      Looking like a rejected sister-wife extra from “Big Love.” “We’ll call you if we need you, hun. Now it’s back to the compound with you.”

    • revenant

      the ugly inside really shows through, don’t it

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Just like the Bible says it will

        :D

      • I sweat that woman is a reverse Dorian Gray. She probably has a picture of her looking like Kate Upton hanging up somewhere.

    • Jesus Christ does she own any article of clothing that isn’t vile?

  • pending

    My favorite uncomfortable moment was the half-laugh, half-Oooooh after he pointed out that the only people left in America who could count on a job from the same organization for 30-40 years, with full healthcare/life insurance/you name it and a secure pension were sitting in the room with him.

  • Swampay

    “But I can promise that a year from now, when I no longer hold this office”

    Right, as if he’s not going to try to tyrant himself into being mom-jeans tyrant dictator for life. You can’t fool America, Mr. Hussein-Obama, Mr. Smarty-pants, Mr. Oh-Let’s-be-nice-to-people

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Please, dear universe, let it be true

    • HenryKillinger

      Needs more caps lock.

  • calliecallie

    He quoted New Pope when he could have quoted Wayne Campbell: “Was it Kierkegaard or Dick Van Patten who said ‘When you label me, you negate me?”

  • TheBidenator

    Here is a Trump SOU sample, only this is more intellectual and far less misogynistic: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CFAnaixvZFY

    • 2Girls1Cubs

      This was a thing…that people paid money to see?

      • Incoming Ham

        For awhile. It was never funny, he went for the shock value and it got tedious. People got tired of the jamoke schtick.

  • xy

    “don’t be dicks” isn’t really a message the American people go for.

    • Historicat

      It’s not just the American people. Some guy in Judea tried to put that message out almost 2000 years ago, things did not go so well for him.

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