White Armed Militia Dudes Are Human And They Need To Be Loved. Also Snacks
He's going to overthrow the government, you'll see!
For the record, this is the exact moment when we lit'rally OMG SO DEAD DIED laughing at the gang of criming-while-white dudes who've barricaded themselves in a federally owned cabin in Oregon, with nothing but their wits and a bag of pretzels to sustain them:
As a man who identified only as “Fluffy Unicorn” told the Huffington Post on Monday: “The Black Lives Matter movement, they can go and protest, close freeways down and all that stuff, and they don’t get any backlash, not on the level that we’re getting.”
We hate to break it to Mr. Unicorn, but history books will likely not remember the glorious battle that brought down the entire U.S. government, led by a guy too scared to give his real name. Or by this dude, who may or may not be Mr. Unicorn, but is apparently also a-scared of talking to The Media, despite being armed, and will be hiding under his tarp, thanks, until the revolution comes:
</center>Nor will history books remember how unfairly Fluffy and his associates were treated because people made fun of them on Twitter, and <a href="https: //wonkette.substack.com/p/fox-news-hardly-mentions-bundys-latest-armed-standoff-go-figure">nobody on Fox News</a> called them heroes, unlike the last time they decided to wave their big ol' boomsticks in the federal government's stupid face. (Some <a href="https://wonkette.substack.com/p/ted-cruz-suddenly-has-a-problem-with-law-breakin-freedom-fighters-weird" target="_blank">Republican presidential candidates</a> have called for these freedom fluffers to please not exercise their Second Amendment in an actual shooty shooty bang bang way, even though they <em>do </em>kind of have a point, you know, about how government sucks. Guess that's not good enough, though.) <p>History books also will not tell future generations of the horrible institutionalized discrimination the militia faced, just for free speeching with their guns, unlike those pampered Black Lives Matter folks who enjoy universal praise and red carpets aplenty, as they protest their first-world problem of their kids getting killed by cops every day. </p><p>We can also guarantee history will most definitely <em>not </em>confuse the Bundy clan and Mr. Unicorn et al. <a href="http://www.cbsnews.com/news/militia-occupation-leader-in-oregon-were-like-rosa-parks/" target="_blank">with Rosa Parks:</a> </p><p><a href="https://assets.rbl.ms/17676673/origin.png"><img id="b6dc3" data-rm-shortcode-id="9cfa1411704eccc973472b3108dce281" data-rm-shortcode-name="rebelmouse-image" class="rm-shortcode " loading="lazy" src="https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8xNzY3NjY3My9vcmlnaW4ucG5nIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc0MjE4OTY5OH0.cCjP3IqI52RoTRiC2ccDgQNshlE_Gdzu3om7vG_WUCM/img.png?width=980" /></a> </p><p>[<strong><em>Note</em></strong>: Seems the Ammon Bundy Twitter account is <a href="http://factually.gizmodo.com/no-ammon-bundy-didnt-compare-his-militia-to-rosa-parks-1751353105" target="_blank">a well-played hoax</a>; this group of idiots, however, still insist they're dead serious.] </p><p>History books might, however, record how fucking pathetic the so-called "Citizens for Constitutional Freedom" are because Jesus Christ, <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jan/05/oregon-wildlife-militia-standoff-power-cut-off" target="_blank">will you look</a> at this? </p><p/><blockquote>[Ammon] Bundy has repeatedly said the group is prepared for the long-haul. However during a tour of the site earlier in the day, the Guardian was shown a food storage room that did not look like it could sustain a dozen men for more than a few weeks. <p>It included a cardboard box of apples and oranges, a few dozen pots of instant ramen, 24 cans of chicken noodle soup, a similar number of cans of sweetcorn, peas, beans and chili, and 20 boxes of macaroni and cheese. </p><p>There were also three sacks of potatoes, one bag of flour, another of rolled oats, boxes of raisins, a single bag of pretzels and one granola bar.</p></blockquote> <p>Sure, they <em>said</em> they came prepared to live free or die for months or years or forever, even, but they <a href="http://www.people.com/article/oregon-militiamen-accepting-donations-facebook" target="_blank">might have overlooked</a> a few survivalist details: </p><p/><blockquote>"We are not asking for money," a message from Jon Ritzheimer, <a class="tracklink3" href="http://www.abc15.com/news/national/jon-ritzheimer-organizer-of-various-anti-islam-rallies-appears-in-oregon-protest-videos" target="_blank">an organizer of assorted anti-Islam rallies</a>, posted by one Blaine Cooper, reads. But "we will humbly accept money donations," the post continues. <p>"Things we could use," the post adds, before listing: "Cold weather socks, snacks, energy drinks, equipment for cold weather, snow camo, gear," and "anything you think will help."</p></blockquote> <p>We want to see this gang of grown-ass men who are fixin' to overthrow the government fight each other over that one granola bar. Especially once the feds <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jan/05/oregon-wildlife-militia-standoff-power-cut-off" target="_blank">cut off the power</a> to the Oregonian Alamo, forcing Mr. Unicorn and friends to huddle up <em>realllll </em>close together to keep warm through the freezing winter nights. Seriously, we will pay cash money to watch that shit. </p><p>[<a href="http://talkingpointsmemo.com/livewire/oregon-militia-black-lives-matter" target="_blank">TPM</a> / <a href="http://www.theguardian.com/us-news/2016/jan/05/oregon-wildlife-militia-standoff-power-cut-off" target="_blank">The Guardian</a> / <a href="http://www.people.com/article/oregon-militiamen-accepting-donations-facebook" target="_blank">People</a>]</p>