Canadian Ted Cruz Has Awesome New Slur For Foreigns

So clever

Foreign-born poutine fart Ted Cruz has a shiny new knee-slapper of an IN YOUR FACE for all them foreigners who didn't have the good sense to stamp CUBA on their birth certificates. It is so good, you guys, you will be har-har-hardy-har-ing about it for literally seconds:

Ted Cruz has coined a new term in the fight over immigration: "undocumented Democrats." Speaking in Las Vegas on Thursday, the Texas senator and GOP presidential candidate portrayed the idea of a path to citizenship as a ploy to beef up Democratic voter rolls. [...]

"There's a reason why I think the new politically correct term is no longer illegal aliens; it's undocumented Democrats."

We'd summarize the kajillionteen things wrong with Ted Cruz if we didn't have more important plans later to punch ourselves in the face, but that will take too long, so let us sum up:  (a) the term "illegal aliens" was never the "politically correct" term to describe human beings, born of this earth; (b) the lame-brained implication that Democrats are doing something nefarious by treating immigrants like human beings just to get their human being votes, which is unfair to Republicans who refuse to believe immigrants are human beings, isn't new and still isn't clever, even with a newly coined phrase; and (c) fuck you, Ted Cruz, just because.

Cruz has been busy overcompensating for his tiny penis stub since fellow Cuban Sen. Marco Rubio called him a dirty immigrant-lover, during the Republican debate earlier this week. Cruz was all like "NUH UH, YOUR MOM'S A IMMIGRANT LOVER!" (Fun fact: They're both right and both wrong.)

The problem is that before Donald Trump invented the subject of immigration for everyone to be pissy about, Cruz was for immigration reform before he was against it, and some The Media types have even taken a vague interest in noting that in 2013, Cruz introduced an amendment to, in the words of Cruz, help "those who are here illegally to come out of the shadows." Bret Baier, of the liberal commie rag Fox News, pointed that out to Cruz, but Cruz, a master debater from the real Ivy League, has a tidy answer to explain that away: He was just joshing and actually , his amendment was a reverse psychology "poison pill" to secretly murder immigration reform. Isn't he oh so clever, that Cruz?

Nobody believes him, not even Fox News, because he is a lying vat of gravy-covered cheese curds. But in today's Republican Party, there's no room for America-haters who don't think mass deportation and a big fuckin' wall, plus maybe a ban on all the Muslimicans, is a serious proposal. Thus, Cruz is now -- and always has been, you're just not smart enough to understand! -- very much against immigrants of all shapes and sizes. Those people he was only pretending he wanted to bring out of the shadows are nothin' but sneaky secret undocumented Democrats [ pause for laughter ] anyway, so screw 'em and vote for Cruz.

[ NPR / TPM ]