Wonkette's Evan Hurst Is World-Famous In Memphis: A Story By Evan Hurst

Fame and fortune except the fortune part.

Oh hi, do you know me? I am one of your Wonkettes, and I am the most famous person in the universe. I am taking a break from having brunch with Taylor Swift, saying "Oh no she di'int" about our ongoing feud with Katy Perry as we drink fruity lady cocktails with our pinkies in the air, to tell you all about how I am the cover story for this week's Memphis Flyer, which is one of those lovely alt-weekly publications like thelovely, brilliant, best-boss-ever (shut up, she is TOO the boss of you) Editrix Rebecca used to work at in Los Angeles.

The Flyer (as we call it in these parts) called me up on the Obamaphone a few weeks back and said, "We were thinking of doing a little thing on how you are a genius," and I said, "Oh gosh, how did you get this number? PLEASE CALL MY ASSISTANT, TIFFANY." Then I realized that was rude and obliged the nice reporter Bianca Phillips by signing a copy of the vegan cookbook she wroted. (AVAILABLE AT ALL FINE AMAZONS! )

But instead of it being a little thing, turns out we talked for over an hour -- about life, love, Duggars, how we work this here Wonkette doohickey website, and I got drunk and probably told her way too much, but fuck it. They gave me the cover, which is all that matters.

There are biographical tidbits!

He quit his job with the church shortly before coming out at age 19. His pastor had made some anti-gay remarks in a sermon. And Hurst says he thought, "Am I really sitting here in the Republican Party of Prayer Memphis Country Club Church hearing this?"

There are smug musings about how Yr Wonkette is a badass and better than everybody else and slept with your mother last night too, probably:

"We're dirty and vulgar, but we also pride ourselves on being one of the most accurate websites that we know of," Hurst says. "When you read about a bill or a Supreme Court decision or a court filing on Wonkette, you can be sure that the author read the thing first. We have the source material."

There are even glowing reviews from Editrix!

"Evan is disgusting, and he's my favorite person in the world," Schoenkopf says.

High praise, that!

In the print edition, my dog's name is misspelled, but don't worry, that has been fixed on the internet, so DOWN, LULA, you don't have to write a scathing letter to the editor, with me acting as your ghostwriter.

 
 HEEL, DUMBASS, HEEL! Also too that is not my chair.

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Now you're probably wondering what I want for Christmas, which is a normal thing to wonder. Of course, the answer is you should go to this page and learn how to leave me a special "just the tip" in my Wonket War On Christmas stocking this year. (You should also throw some money at Kaili's and Dok's faces, as they are into that sort of thing as well.)

Anyhow, go read the article now because writing this post was the internet equivalent of jerking off in a hall of mirrors, not that there's anything wrong with that.

[ Memphis Flyer ]