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numbers lie. wait, actually, they don’t.

Did you ever stop to think about how difficult it must be to be a conservative fact-free jackhole? In the face of every bit of evidence to the contrary, you have to cling to nonsense like being sure that Barack Obama was born in Kenya during the faked moon landing. It must be exhausting. Pull up a pillow for Tennessee Congressman Marsha Blackburn (nope, not a typo, as she insists upon the term), because Rep. Blackburn has got to be plumb tuckered out with her recent Herculean efforts to deny the reality of a recent Vanderbilt poll.

Seems that the comsymp babykillers at Vanderbilt University had the goddamn gall to ask people if they liked stupid unnecessary liberal medical things like cancer screenings, birth control, STD testing and counseling, and breast exams, and do they want the state to provide funding for those things? Whaddya know? At least two-thirds of the fine Tennesseans surveyed by Vanderbilt were actually in favor of throwing sweet sweet taxpayer cash at those things if you don’t point out they happen at Planned Parenthood.

Now Blackburn figured out that even though the poll did not ask “How much do you love Planned Parenthood when it kills babies? Do you want to marry it or just slip it some tongue?” those exact types of services the poll asked about were things that Planned Parenthood actually does, except that it failed to mention the part that Planned Parenthood is where you snack on lightly breaded baby parts. Therefore the poll was one big fat lie. At least we think that’s what she means?

The poll didn’t specifically ask about the abortions provided by Planned Parenthood, though, and because it didn’t, U.S. Rep. Marsha Blackburn, R-Tenn., accused the university of trying to advance a political agenda.

“I am disappointed that an institute such as Vanderbilt is publishing a poll that has such a thinly veiled agenda. Vanderbilt has a responsibility to educate women, men and children about access to quality health care,” Blackburn said in a statement to The Tennessean.

Yes, because why on earth would educating people about access to quality health care ever include a discussion of where many people do, in fact, get their health care? That’s just crazy talk.

Here’s the problem with Blackburn’s most recent refusal to accept the basic tenets of reality: Elsewhere in the poll, Vanderbilt did use the dreaded PP word, and found out that support for those sorts of health-related services drops a bit, but doesn’t in any way bottom out.

292198184-Vanderbilt-Poll

Congressman Marsha Blackburn, we are very sorry that you cannot bear to live in a world where people actually wish to have their taxpayer money go toward things that actually help people, even though we do not understand why that is anathema to you. Please do go on living your life entirely untethered by the pesky ties of reality. It seems like it suits you.

[The Tennessean, h/t to tipster Lisa]

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  • Joe Beese

    ..

    • DahBoner

      Thunder only happens when it’s raining.

    • Nicholas Rostov

      What happened to her hair? And her face? Though to be fair, this would seem like excellent background experience for a congressman (sic).

      • kindness

        Poster must be from the Farrah Faucett era.

        • theCryptofishist

          Yeah, no area code.

    • vivian

      “Thanks” “Marsha”

    • chicken thief

      Did Marsha photoshop her airbrushed likeness onto a Farrah Fawcett pic?

      • kindness

        Duh Oh! You beat me. I should read ahead before posting but don’t.

    • theCryptofishist

      I read that as: Image consultations aren’t just for the Reich.

  • Bitter Scribe

    When the poll doesn’t go your way, attack the pollster.

    • weejee

      I blame the #2 pencils.

    • JMP

      Only trust the unskewed polls!

      Then get shocked when they turn out to be completely wrong.

    • ArgieBargie

      Dick Morris personally reviewed this poll, and concluded that Mitt Romney will win in a landslide.

  • weejee

    Does Congresswoman Blackburn’s nickname rhyme with runt?

    • schmannity

      Marsha “Shunt” Blackburn, diverting blood from brain tissue daily.

      • Major_Major_Major

        Marsha “Punt” Blackburn. kicking needless “facts” and “science” to the curb

        • theCryptofishist

          Or taking a refreshing trip to see “the Backs” of Cambridge University.

    • therblig

      Marsha “Funt” Blackburn, has people looking for the hidden camera and waiting to be told “this is all a gag”

    • chicken thief

      It’s CONGRESSMAN!!!! She no wanna be confused for someone that might be bleeding out of her whatever.

  • ArgieBargie

    “I am disappointed that an institute such as Vanderbilt is publishing a poll that has such a thinly veiled agenda.”

    Wingnut disappointed that reality doesn’t match her world view, news at 11.

  • FauxAntocles

    Another Rethuglican living in Never Never Land.

  • Gorillionaire

    Since when do Republicans care about what the majority thinks?

  • schmannity

    lightly breaded baby parts

    Does that come with fries?

    • Rick Hill

      Free range, organic kale and arugula, only.

      • Angry and Short

        Fucking hippie!

        • Cindyinencinitas

          For $2 you can get them with extra gluten.

  • Oblios_Cap

    In all fairness, that graph could be labelled better. Maybe she thought it was showing the “Oppose” voters.

  • schmannity

    Hey, you know who else attacked polls?

    • say wha

      HITLER!!!!111!!!!

      • chicken thief

        And the French said “ah, we give up.”?

    • cousin itt

      Dancers?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Flick from A Christmas Story?

    • dslindc

      Karl Rove?

    • DahBoner
      • Zippy

        at least they’re the right height

        • chicken thief

          Needz a dog carrier on top to balance it out.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Hey look! It’s Mitt’s campaign!

    • Callyson
    • Angry and Short

      The Right only likes polls from Gallup. The company was started as a populist endeavor.

    • chicken thief

      Brizdull, after a wine cooler or two?

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      Stalin?

    • sw19womble

      Zombie Strippers?

      • ZangoCrudmonger

        Not the most redundant adjective for strippers.

    • SpideySenser

      Nazis?

    • theCryptofishist

      The Herefords?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Marsha, honey, rest assured that the folks at Vandy have enough money, prestige, and intellectual heft not to give a flying fuck what some Chi Omega bimbo from Mississippi State thinks.

  • DahBoner

    I think I saw a video of that presentation…
    https://media2.giphy.com/media/jR8EDxMbqi1QQ/200w_d.gif

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    With that mastery of double-speak and deflection, she’ll go far in the GOP.

  • cousin itt

    Blackburn was recently named leader of the “Select Investigative Panel on Infant Lives,” a congressional panel investigating abortion providers.

    “Now would you please raise your right hand and swear before this Panel you will tell the whole…wait, take that rattle out of your hand…to babble the whole truth…tell the whole…did the witness just crap her diapers? You little Miss Susie are making a mockery of this Panel!”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Sorry, infants are out of the uterus, therefore utterly expendable.

      • Anarchy Pony

        Providing daycare for them is socialism.

        • Cindyinencinitas

          In this Nanny State, it’s going over the cliff with all the other social services.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      What’s next, a selet investigative panel on bigfoot?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …ok, FUCK THIS BITCH!!! Now my rage-meter is at eleven, first the Dok decided to piss me off this weekend and now Snipy decided to tag team in to give me a blood pressure spike!!! This is the exact same ASS-CLOWN that would call any question on the Planned Parenthood shooters religion a “gotcha”!!! At this point I have ran out of ‘lightly salted rat dicks’ she is going to have to eat a pale of “lightly salted and sautéed horse dicks”!!!

    • MrBlobfish

      So pissed, he’s gotta do it twice.

      • chicken thief

        Yep. I think ABG is angry.

        • AngryBlakGuy

          …well I left work early for happy hour, so give me 30 minutes and I may have a better disposition

          • JustDon’tSayDittos

            Good plan.

          • Cindyinencinitas

            Ahhh, the Hour of Happiness. Drink well and prosper.

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …demon face time!!!!

        • Gleem-McShinez

          Dude, don’t get shot using your magical bulking-up powers like that!

    • JustDon’tSayDittos

      Why are the rat dicks always ‘lightly salted’. Why not salt-encrusted, with a side of soy sauce? Or hagfish mucus?
      I’m just sayin’, the menu is a little short. As we say in the Shire.

      • sw19womble

        I was given to understand that they were lightly salted with uranium.
        But I would vote for hagfish mucus also, too.

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …great point!!! We should have Sichuan and General Tsao style “Rat Dicks”!!! Maybe even Curry and Jerk style “Rat Dicks” for our island brethren also!!!

        • theCryptofishist

          This time of year, as a special War Against Christmas treat, I suggest mini-pies featuring a lot of clove.
          Savory!

        • Billy Rubin

          Considering the size of the crowd that needs to be served, it’s time to really explore the rat dick possibilities: sweet-and-sour, hickory smoked, Korean barbecued, honey glazed, chicken fried, chocolate coated, etc.

  • whitroth

    What the fuck does it take for Planned Parenthood to get up off their collective asses and SUE FOR SLANDER?

    mark “will suggest that the next 10 times they call
    for donations, in the next month”

    • Zippy

      they’d lose. Not because the slimeballs who are saying shitty things about them deserve to win, but because winning that suit in the US against a politician is a serious uphill battle.

      • OldMayfly

        Yep, would be waste of resources.

  • The Wanderer

    “Did you ever stop to think about how difficult it must be to be a conservative fact-free jackhole?”

    Yep, every day at work when confronted by my Fox News-watching coworkers and the boss who insists that we MUST watch Fox in the employee’s breakroom.

    • Rick Hill

      Damn, I hate the way the left indoctrinates everyone to believe just the same as they do!

    • Angry and Short

      It’s actually quite easy. You have one agenda and you stick too it. You don’t have to think or nuthin’ Jesus. The Left has Ideas, but the Right has discipline.

    • RecreationalPilot

      FOX News viewers are followers, not thinkers. They do as they are told.

      FOX & Al Jazeera, these networks are owned by both foreign-borns & Muslims.

      • theCryptofishist

        Well then, why can they call us “sheeple”?!

    • Beaumarchais?

      Time for some breakage in the breakroom.

    • sillybill

      Get one of those little remote controls. http://www.stupid.com/covert-clicker-mini-remote.html

  • fawkedifiknow

    Abortionplex Libel!!!

  • Ryan Denniston

    “Vanderbilt has a responsibility to educate women, men and children about access to quality health care”
    Congresswoman Blackburn, you as a public servant have a responsibility to educate your constituents about public issues that you make decisions for.

  • beatbort

    Look, if not having sex is good enough for Marsha Blackburn, it should be good enough for all of you. OK? Any questions? I thought not.

  • Callyson

    This one again, eh?

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Gender traitors, every last Republican woman. I do not “get” them, at all.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Does the term Mean Girls mean anything to you?

    • Anarchy Pony

      How can anyone actually justify fighting against equal pay? I MEAN WHAT THE FUCK? How the fuck can you possibly rationalize that?

      • sw19womble

        making more profits for the mythical “shareholders”?

      • Beezelbubbles

        Womenfolk belong in the kitchen. Only payment they deserve is some rompy-pompy with the man of the house. I think it’s even in the Bible.

    • theCryptofishist

      Equality doesn’t mean what she thinks it means…

  • SnarkOff

    Mr. Blackburn is certainly lucky she’s a man and has no need for women’s health services.

    • chicken thief

      BUT WHERE DOES SHE PEE?!!!!

  • vivian

    Facts! How do they work?

    • zerosumgame0005

      not the way she thinks they do!

  • Mavenmaven

    “educate women, men and children about women’s access to kitchen goods and stay at home education materials” /corrected

    • Gil

      Well, I was talking to my seven-year-old nephew about Obamacare and he didn’t seem interested….

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Wonkette is persecuting all the Christian Marsha Blackburns agains.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Didn’t we learn anything from having the Inquisition start poking their noses around in the academic mission of the university?

  • Angry and Short

    Look, if women want to know about this stuff and that healthcare thing, they can go to their chiropractor.

    • margd

      Or their dentist or food pantry.

  • RecreationalPilot

    You’ve gotta love these Christofascist Libertarians…

    One minute they bitch about abortion, the next that their school taxes are too high!

    Hey, Blackburn! Will you pay the $320K spread over 18 years each unplanned birth?

    ===

    In Texas alone, Perry cut abortion rates for just one year, by 7,000. That led to his state paying $124 Million each and every year for 18 years. Now, if for shits and giggles, they cut it by 10K each and every year… after 18 years, they will have an extra 180K unprojected children in the school and support system. This adds $3.2 BILLION to Texas’ annual state budget.

    Are you paying for that?

    Now, go back and rethink that whole “What’s the cost of life?” bullshit line you use!

    • Vegan and Tiara

      You should go over to National Review Online and ask them those same questions. I did, and all I got was “taxes won’t have to be raised.” I guess they think babies get taken care of by magic or something.

      • theCryptofishist

        Storks do it all!

  • AntiDerpomeme

    What an asshole. She’s the kind of congressman who deserves a steel-toed kick in the balls, with votes.

    • Eykis

      Marsha is far worse than that.

    • mrpuma2u

      asshole libelz!!!

  • MrBlobfish

    Dirty Derpy Girls Who Aren’t Embarrassed.

  • chicken thief

    Lightly battered baby parts are fine for snacks, but for a main entree it’s Fetus TarTar for me or gtfo!

    • RecreationalPilot

      Om, nom, nom

  • tehbaddr

    “lightly breaded baby parts”? Nonsense, any true connoisseur knows they should be deep fried without breading, and served with hot sauce like chicken wings!

    • RecreationalPilot

      Yeah, you want that sucker to be low-cal.

      • tehbaddr

        For me it’s not so much about low-carb, as wanting crispy skin.

        • Cindyinencinitas

          During the Holidays, I recommend a sweet-hot barbeque sauce with a hint of ginger.

    • Zippy

      sauteed in olive oil

      • Gil

        Or just natural…..Good enough for dingos, good enough for you……Saw that somewhere…

    • zerosumgame0005

      you’d think a part time recipe hub would know that!

    • theCryptofishist

      Steamed in a bun!

  • TheBidenator

    I have an answer to any and all questions regarding Marsha Blackburn and reality: Marsha is dumb, really, really dumb. She has barely any command of her faculties to have anything which qualifies as an ideology besides what creates enough campaign contributions and attention to keep getting her elected in a district full of “get a brain, morans!” guys inbred kin. In that way, she’s a lot less “aw shucks” and more Tennessee debutante than her male analogue: Louie Gohmert.

    • chicken thief

      But mah main man Louie Gohmert has *everyone say it with me now* – those really Preznitial looking ties!

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Case closed! Thanks for playing!

      • david green

        And just where is your main man? I haven’t heard of him saying anything incredibly stupid for weeks.

        • chicken thief

          He still says stupid shit, which is why he is mah main man, but with the GOP POTUS candidates going full ELEVENTY!!1!!1!! on the panic scale over MooseLimbs he is getting drowned out.

    • Eykis

      Mississippi – married above her station; her grown kid is a jerk; Marsha is 65, pretends she is 25; let me find the news article where her make-up is hilarious because she was not expecting a camera~

    • Her district does contain GAB,M types, but it also contains Williamson County–the wealthiest (and another superlative which begins with a w) county in the state.

  • MrBlobfish
  • RecreationalPilot

    Another catty woman.

    She complains about Hillary Clinton, then raids her closet to take her pantsuit collection.

  • chicken thief

    Maybe she’s waiting for Nate Silver to weigh in?

    • RecreationalPilot

      That won’t happen for a while, Christie broke Nate’s scale.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        Oh, you’re bad! Come sit by me?

  • CriticalDragon1177

    Marsha Blackburn might not be so upset if she didn’t think that the “evil” baby bar bic queing planned parenthood had anything to do with these things. Oh well, she could always join Operation Rescue and get arrested for obstructing access to one of our nation’s few remaining clinics that perform abortions, when she retires from politics.

  • IDon’tCareWhatYouThink

    You are not thinking about the children.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RybNI0KB1bg

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Did you ever stop to think about how difficult it must be to be a conservative fact-free jackhole?

    No. It would be difficult for any Wonketeer to do this, as they have a respect for truth and give significantly more than a rat’s ass about their fellow human beings. If you’re a “Conservative”, you only care about your fucked up fascist ideology, and truth? Truth has a liberal bias. So they can do this with absolute ease. It’s easy when you have no moral compass or empathy to speak of. Just like the guards at Auschwitz.

  • azeyote

    you can’t back down with the republican platform – it’s lie, deceive, and defend until you bring about your agenda – if you don’t it’s the liberals fault anyway, so you can’t lose – except your mind –

  • Eykis

    Marsha the Moron is from Mississippi; she is a carpetbagger besides being a complete idiot.

    Marsha can be voted out very simply – 101st Airborne, Air Assault at Ft. Campbell is her District in Clarksville, TN – of course Marsha thinks she only represents the wealthiest imbeciles in Williamson County where she shares the neighborhood with that gawdawful fiberglas monstronsity of KKK founder Forrest.

    Marsha’s neighborhood enjoys this: http://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/3289

    Please, Clarksville, run a VETERAN against Marsha – you will win – she votes against anything for veterans and does not even drive around Nashville except to appear on the news; much less the 50 miles to Clarksville.

    Oh, and check out her monies – kochsukking takes time and she spends it on her knees – very few dollars from actual humans who can vote.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Odds are good that most of the personnel in uniform at Ft. Campbell are registered in states other than Tennessee.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        Immaterial. Base areas are very pro military because that is where their money comes from.
        Though you always get the occasional assmonkey (Always a Republican too, as luck would have it) who tries to prove the county could get more money from a golf course or three, the population is overwhelmingly pro military, whether they be dirty liberals or the dirty conservatives.
        Or, at least such is the case in my neck of the omniverse.

    • mrpuma2u

      They did run a vet against her in 2014, nice guy, former helo pilot. He simply did not have the $$ (DNC has abandoned all hope of TN wins outside of Nashville and Memphis) to stand a viable chance of beating her

      • sw19womble

        I’m surprised the Democrats win anything with the DNC running (away from) things.

        • theCryptofishist

          Yeah. I vote democrats, but I pity them, too. In a very different way than I pity the repugs, but it’s pity.

        • david green

          They do seem to be amazingly inept, don’t they.

    • The statue is singularly horrible. Forrest looks like the early iterations of The Hamburglar. That said, Nashville also has a fully intact replica of the Parthenon, complete with very nice statue of Athena–unlike certain world capitals I could mention who just can’t seem to be bothered to keep *their* Parthenons intact.

      • theCryptofishist

        Hey, that’s on the Turks. If you’re looking for root causes. And then there’s that nasty British collector empowered by imperialism.

        Yeah sure, he lost a shipload. But at least all the rest haven’t been eaten by acid rain.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Why is Forrest wearing a dress? He looks like a character from AHS Freakshow.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    I’m willing to concede her one small insignificant point. They didn’t actually ask about “abortions.”

    Funny thing, taxes AREN’T paying for abortions, so you couldn’t ask about “Abortion” in the same way as all those other fucking things, you motherfucking blithering idiot.

    What would the question even be? “Would you support or oppose hypothetically changing the laws so that groups that provide abortion services could be hypothetically be funded by taxpayers?”

    You’re free to fund your own study, Congressman-with-ovaries, to ask about abortion.
    But I guess when you think you already have all the answers, things like proof are not necessary.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      They think the government funding of everything else frees up their own money to devote to abortions. The thinking is, if they had to pay for all the other basic health services themselves, they wouldn’t have enough money left over for the abortions.

  • Pugsandcoffee

    No, no, ladies. You get to keep her. We men have enough pieces of massive shit ruining “congressman,” so let her take “congresswoman” through the coals.

    • Kappadonna

      Joke’s on us ladies, she prefers to be called Congressman.

      • theCryptofishist

        Has anyone let her know that she’s now genderqueer?

  • Swampay

    32% do not support “an organization” providing birth control. Shudder.

    • Beowoof14

      Obviously people that want to care for unwanted children? Yep, sure they do.

      • sw19womble

        Rep. Justin Harris from Arkansas and the rest of his government teat-sucking ilk.
        Well, until they become a bit demon-y then it’s off to the second-hand child dealership with them.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        If those children are white enough, and healthy enough, and still cute little bebbies, maybe?

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      28% of people think women just shouldn’t have sex. And if she does get pregnant it is entirely her fault because there is never a man involved, apparently.

      • SpideySenser

        Which begs the question, what about the Moms? Perhaps if she didn’t have sex we would not have to deal with this asshattery.

      • cleos_mom

        Which might be the source of the oddball expression “come up pregnant”, which always brings the image of an underwater conception to mind.

  • YayConspiracy

    As with evolution or global warming, evidence is irrelevant. And probably more disturbing for Blackburn is the fact that people like health care if it isn’t cloaked in her bigoted, hypocritical hatred.

  • tinker12

    Annoy a Republican — help someone. (Seen on a bumper sticker at Glacier Park, MT)

    • Vegan and Tiara

      I saw a bumper sticker the other day that said “When did helping the poor become a sin?”

  • Angela Ruzzo

    It’s anathema to help poor people because the Republicans don’t think poor people deserve any help. They believe poor people are poor because they deserve to be poor.

    • david green

      Makes sense to me. If God wanted the poor to be rich, he’d have given them a stock portfolio. Who are we to argue with God.

      • cleos_mom

        Or Dave Ramsey.

    • mtn_philosoph

      If you help poor people it will just encourage more people to become poor.

      • Angela Ruzzo

        Right. The people who believe that are the same people who believe that if you teach Sex Ed to young people, it just encourages them to have sex. As if people haven’t been having sex without it for millions of years.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    OT: The French language news station LCI (La Chaine Info) is apparently aiming for a Fox News level of incompetence. Whoever did the graphic apparently couldn’t remember the name of the second-place guy, stuck in a placeholder and forgot to correct it before it aired. “M. Machin-Chose” means something like “Mr. Thigamawhatzit.”

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet” as the saying goes.

      • Markuserektus

        But a step up from…

        • LadyLaz

          Omg. I remember that. It was kind of horrible and hilarious

        • Teto85

          The local Faux Snooze affiliate.

      • Msgr_Moment

        In the Shire.

  • lynchie

    Kinda wish Blackburn’s parents had learned about contraception would have saved us a whole bunch of listening to this bitch

  • LadyLaz

    Really, the assholes always set it up to Personal Responsibility, as if there is a magic disconnect between the actions of the individual and the impact they have on society as a whole. Rampant pregnancies, untreated stis, and lack of care negatively impacts women, especially poor women, which then negatively impacts society. It can mean the difference between someone pulling themselves out of poverty (and becoming a tax payer) or not (and welfare).

    Of course, the “Personal Responsibility” crew always twists their little nose up and say “don’t have sex.” When have people ever stopped having sex? Never!

  • chiefkurtz

    I’d ask her if a poll that asks if you agree with a book that tells us to ‘Love your neighbor as yourself’, without mentioning it ALSO says “Go up, my warriors, against the land of Merathaim and against the people of Pekod. Yes, march against Babylon, the land of rebels, a land that I will judge! Pursue, kill, and completely destroy them, as I have commanded you,” says the LORD’ has a ‘veiled agenda’.

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