Ted Cruz Gains In Polls, Promises Burnt Offering Of Syrian Civilians

Begun this War on Sand has.

Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Alberta) is having a fine old time playing Scare The Base this week, and with his rise in the polls in Iowa, it seems to be working out for the oily little sack of poutine squeezings. Maybe Donald Trump isn't the only guy who can turn a terror attack into positive poll numbers. In a speech Saturday to an astroturf tea party gathering in Iowa, Cruz tried to top Donald Trump's promise to "bomb the shit out of" ISIS, but without that uncouth cussing:

We will carpet bomb them into oblivion. I don't know if sand can glow in the dark, but we're going to find out. And we are going to make abundantly clear to any militant on the face of the planet, if you wage jihad against the United States of America and try to murder innocent Americans, you are signing your death warrant.

Perhaps Cruz meant glow sticks -- as opposed to, say, nukes -- so ISIS could have a rave. Clearly Cruz remembers how we won in Vietnam by carpet-bombing the North into the stone age and breaking their will to fight. Good times.

Cruz also promised to rain a lot more death on Syria because brutality sells, and the GOP base is a buyer's market:

"You can't fight a politically correct war," he said. "Even if you do want to be politically correct, just say, 'If you drive it out of there, we're going to bomb it.' Just tell them ahead of time."

Cruz was referring to the practice of leafleting oil trucks before attacking them, in an effort to reduce civilian casualties. Ted Cruz has no patience for such "political correctness" and is ready to kill some civilians, because even if you're an apolitical trucker, hauling ISIS oil means you need to die.

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Cruz wasn't reassured by Barack Obama's Oval Office speech Sunday night. In a radio interview Monday, Cruz accused the president of weakness, despite Obama's own promise to "hunt down terrorist plotters in any country where it is necessary" and to accelerate the air war against ISIS while also sending Special Forces to help coordinate Iraqis and Syrians fighting ISIS on the ground. Clearly, Obama's speech didn't include enough glowing sand or dead civilians for Cruz's tastes, and he was also put off by Obama's tone, which wasn't nearly scary enough:

“We saw the president lecture the American people like some condescending schoolmarm about the need to avoid Islamophobia,” said Cruz [...]

“What we need is a commander-in-chief who stands up and, number one, doesn’t engage in politically correct double speak, doesn’t refuse to say the word radical Islamic terrorism, as Obama, and Hillary, and all the Democrats do,” Cruz said.

Cruz reiterated his desire for "carpet bombing" ISIS, which is way cool and tough, and also promised to arm the Kurds (which Obama is doing, but in a pathetic mom jeans wearing kind of way). Finally, Cruz vowed, "We are gonna go and find them, and hunt them down, and kill them.”

Don't you see the obvious difference? Obama merely says he'll "defeat ISIS" and "hunt down" terrorists wherever they are, while Cruz says all that plus "hunt down and kill " them, making him the more bloodthirsty protector of America, and thus the stronger man. Ted Cruz can't wait to punch Obama right in the nose, and when it comes down to it, Ted Cruz can't wait to kill some people who need killin':

Lucky for him, Iowa's Republican caucus-goers have reserved seating on the Group W Bench .

[ CNN / Crooks & Liars / Bloomberg / Snopes / Buzzfeed ]