Pope Francis Drops Dope New Record On Black Friday, Like A Common Adele

The pope's new record, probably.

Know that thing when you are sporting around in your new Lexus, gettin' in a little "Dad Time" while you take your privileged white children to soccer practice by forcing them to listen to Rush? (The band, not the racist mound of beef tips.) That's just the best, and Rush IS NOT AWFUL, we don't care what you say. But sometimes you say to yourself, "Dad-self, if only these records had a lot less Geddy Lee wailing, and a LOT MORE POPING, wouldn't that be 'pimp,' like the Kids These Days say?" Well, Dad-self, you are in luck this War On Christmas season, because Francis, the New Pope Of Poping, has dropped a whole new set of tracks to make your season bright:

[I]t’s more than a little strange that one of the world’s premier hallucinogen-shamers just dropped a trippy, experimental prog rock/pop album that all but requires drug accompaniment.

The pontiff’sWake Up!, not to be confused with the excellent (and diametrically opposed) Rage Against the Machine song of the same name, was released by the imprint Believe Digital on Nov. 27...

It's time to WAKE UP! That is what the pope is saying, because that is what he called his new record. Also, on Amazon, he is listed as Papst Franziskus, because why not? He wouldn't want his artistic career confused with his common poping activities, like ministering to the homeless and hiding from wacky Kentucky clerk Kim Davis, who just wants a pope selfie for her gay-hatin' scrapbook.

Anywhozit, if you were all excited to hear Francis tickle the ivories or make an electric guitar his sex lover, or even just warble a few incantations, The Daily Beast has some bad news:

Sadly, any images you have of the Pope strumming a guitar in the studio sans zucchetto, cigarette dangling out of his mouth, will remain just that, as the Pope didn’t so much as hit a cowbell on the album.

Basically it's just some Italian prog-rock types, doing their "Shut up, it DOES NOT EITHER sound kind of like Enya!" thing with Francis's speechifying words overdubbed on top. Here, have a listen to hot new single "Wake Up! Go! Go! Forward!"

Did that make you "Wake Up!" and "Go!" and "Forward!" and all the other feelings? Probably, because you are weird.

Now, you are probably thinking, "But Wonket, I was already planning to get Adele's new record, and now I have to choose, WHAT A PICKLE I AM IN!" Good news! Amazon reports that apparently the ENTIRE WORLD is inside that pickle, and helpfully shares the following info:

That is a bargain! Oh God, you are going to spend the entire holiday season blubber-crying like a damn fool, because Adele is saying "Hello!" in one ear and the pope is saying words (IN YOUR PANTS) in all the various white people languages, and they all mean, "HELLO CATHOLIC JESUS," and you will stop crying when you are ready, Salve Regina! and goddammit.

Anyway, the record is available at all fine retailers and probably at the Vatican Gift Shoppe, if you happen to be strolling by.

[ The Daily Beast ]