Whiny Republicans And Creeper Fundamentalists. Which Are Ickier? Your Weekly Top Ten
OH LOOK IT'S HALLOWEEN
Well hello there, Wonkers. It's Sunday afternoon, time for your weekly top ten list, and it is also NOVEMBER OH MY HOW TIME FLIES! This also means yesterday was Halloween! You might have already seen Official Wonkette Babby, pictured above dressed as an adorable mermaid, which is so cute we cannot even. But, ooh, bonus, Official Wonkette Niece ALSO dressed up for Halloween. Check it!
Now look, you fools. There is no FOR ACTUAL booze in that flask. It's her juice! But this was kind of an homage to her daddy, who used to be a for real sailor.
Anyway, the point is that the Wonkette children win Halloween and nobody else should even try.
Okay, quickly before the top ten posts, we will do housekeeping. The Wonkette Primary is still going on, which involves buying the t-shirt of the Democratic candidate of your choice! If you love Hillary, then buy the sexxxy Hitlery t-shirt you see below! If you feel the same sexxxy sensations, but for Bernie Sanders instead, then buy HIS t-shirt! Wasn't that easy? Look below, it is the Hillary shirt!
Don't you want to buy this right now? YES, YOU DO!
Okay, one more thing before stories. GIVE US MONEY NOW. We do the internet writing for you each and every week, especially when Republicans are being big dumb whiners. So please to give us $5 , so we can stay up until stupid-thirty doing PULITZER-WORTHY coverage for you. It will be very appreciated, and we promise to spend your moneys very, very wisely.
Wonkette baby mysteriously being adorable right after the donations paragraph, she ALWAYS does that. Oh look, it's another donations link too, weird!
Oh, that felt so nice, the way you just threw your moneys at us! Do it harder!
Okay, here are the top ten stories of the week, chosen as usual by science. Share them the entire world!
1. Did you watch the Republican debate? It was SO BAD AND DUMB. But you really haven't for real seen it if you haven't read Wonkette's hilarious, mean liveblog of the night's events. Click click!
2. Reportedly gross Jim Bob Duggar is trying to bribe Anna into staying with Josh by dangling a big new house in front of her. Also reportedly, she may be rejecting that bribe. Who can say!
3. Gay-hatin' Indiana Republican caught trolling for online dick. What. A. Fucking. Surprise.
4. Bristol Palin just OUTRAGED other girls won't get pregnant in high school like she did. And yes, this is a story from like a month ago, yet here it is in your current Top Ten. The internet is mysterious sometimes!
5. Oh look, Bristol again. This time she's just so glad she didn't abort her mom's baby. Uh huh.
6. Christian bride passes traditional daddy vag inspection before wedding. Because like we said in the headline, CREEPER FUNDAMENTALISTS.
7. Maureen Dowd is A Idiot, says Joe Biden and literally everyone else. Finally, something humanity agrees on!
8. More CREEPER FUNDAMENTALISTS. This time it's a lady who wants crowdfunding moneys because she accidentally married a homo. She is bad, and she should feel bad.
9. Ever have trouble getting your fundamentalist lady wife to submit to sexxxytime whenever you want it? Read How To Sex Your Boner-Killer Hag Of A Wife: A Christian Wonksplainer!
10. And finally, once again, we must tell the RNC to please stop bitching about CNBC's "biased" debate questions, as it makes them sound like A Idiot.
So there you go, Wonkers. Those are your winning stories. They are the best stories ever written, at least this week!
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OH, and did you know you can buy more sexy Wonkette apparel in the Wonkette online swag emporium? Yes you can! You know about the Hillary and Bernie t-shirts, but there are also Bernie Sanders coffee cups, and also things with Elizabeth Warren and Joe Biden on them, and also panties with teeth. For bigger-bodied Wonkers, we now have 4XL sizes on the Bernie t-shirt!
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Okay, we're going to nap and watch football at the same time ZZZZZZZ.
Love,
Wonket
This couple was disturbing beyond snark. Their supposed piety was so disingenuous, shallow, and self-serving, it made me want to puke. You could tell they had used it their entire lives as a hidey-hole to avoid ever taking responsibility for anything. Hard to imagine even their fundie kindred spirits would fall for it. But then again...
After reading about the Duggars, my first interpretation of your comment was that you gave birth to over 30 kids last year; I was about to salute your productivity, but then reality set in...