Sloppy Sexxxy Drunk Lindsey Graham Way Better Than Regular Kind, Still Won’t Be President

Life of the sexxx party

A funny thing happened on the way to the Republican kids' table early bird pre-show "debate" for second-tier losers: Sen. Lindsey Graham got hammered.

According to the bar full of journalists knocking it back with the South Carolina senator and presidential candidate, Graham is not much of a drinker, so while three shots (at least!) of hard liquor is what John Boehner would call a light breakfast, it seems the southern teetotaler is not quite so able to hold his booze. Because things got real racy, real fast.

For those of you dear readers, bless your hearts, who are scratching your adorable pointy little heads about what that means, allow us to Wonksplain. CNN's Very Serious Journalist Dana Bash asked Graham to play a delightful childhood game known as Fuck Marry Kill, although she asked it in her Very Serious Journalist way:

Asked which of these people -- Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, or Carly Fiorina -- he would “date, marry, or disappear forever,” Graham initially resisted, joking that he "didn't know we were going to do the Mormon thing here."

Finally, he said he would date Palin and marry Fiorina “‘cause she’s rich.” Asked by Bash if that meant he would “disappear” Clinton, Graham shot back, “No. Is she rich? ‘Cause she said she was flat-broke.”

Guess Graham figures Sarah Palin is super DTF, so lucky her, she gets to be his walkin' a-talkin' splooge receptacle. For "dating." Awwwww. Cute couple or CUTEST couple? Don't forget to wear a rubber, Lindsey. Them Palin gals are known for not understanding how babby is formed.

Graham also made a subtly sexxxytime joke (we think ???) about Hillz R. Clinton:

There is “a side of Hillary Clinton that’s a lot of fun.”

Pressed for an example, Graham cracked, “Not on national television.”

OM God, have Hillary and Lindsey been secretly braiding each other's hair and having naked pillow fights all these years, without telling us? Guess even under the influence, Graham knows how to keep it in the vault.

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That's a far better joke than the typical sober jokes for which Graham routinely has to apologize. Like that time he "joked" about how Nancy Pelosi's face disgusted him. Ha ... ha ... groan. Or that timehe "joked" about what a great president he will be for rich white men. Or that timehe "joked" about how he would "literally use the military" to keep Congress in line, which his spokes-splainer later clarified was "not to be taken literally” after all.

Who knew the only thing Graham needed to tell jokes that are actually entertaining is a bottle of booze inside of him? Drunk Lindsey for president!

Among Graham's other loose-lipped moments, he said he is against recreational potting up, because reefer is a gateway drug. (Just look at that loser stoner Jeb , amirite?!) However, heisin favor of medicinal marijuana, apparently because if you're dying from cancer, no harm in gatewaying to other drugs, or something. Dunno -- we probably are not supposed to try too hard to figure out what Drunk Lindsey meant by all the things he said while he was drunking.

We probably are not supposed to speculate wildly about who he did or did not wake up next to this morning with a raging hangover, either, so we (wink wink wink) definitely will not encourage you to do that, which we do not allow.

Given that Graham is polling at slightly above nothing percent, we can't say we blame the guy for needing to let off some steam. Especially after someone reminded him of how he's only technically a candidate at this point, and still forbidden from the Real Debate Stage with the Actual Candidates:

"I think it sucks," Graham said. "With all due respect, I know there are a lot of us running but I don't think I'm an undercard candidate when it comes to national security. I think I've got something to offer."

Right, "national security." Because he's so butch. 

Poor Lindsey. He should seriously consider always having a few shots before opening his mouth; it might help the otherwise quite unlikable candidate gain some traction with voters and help bump him up a few notches in the polls. It certainly couldn't hurt.

And while we still don't like the guy because ugh, Lindsey Graham, we maybe don't like the guy a little itty bit less. One thing's for sure: we're really looking forward now to the junior debate, if only to learn what Hungover Lindsey Graham is like.

[ Igor Bobic on Twitter / HuffPo / CNN ]