Boehner Announces Committee To Investigate How Planned Parenthood Did Benghazi

Anyone who makes Meryl facepalm is a MONSTER

Having so successfully gotten to the bottom of what really happened at Benghazi -- Sidney Blumenthal gave the stand-down order, on YouTube, and then partied all night with Hillary -- House Republicans are ready to prove again how effective these special committees are at investigating stuff. So now almost ex-Speaker John Boehner has announced the appointment of a balanced slate (four Republican men and four Republican women) to investigate whether Planned Parenthood has been trading fetus parts for Lamborghinis. They'll even allow five Democrats onto the panel, giving them the opportunity to slam their faces into their desks as often as they need to, while Republicans on the panel ask Planned Parenthood presidentCecile Richards, "Were you alone the WHOLE NIGHT while 50 million babies were being borted?"

[contextly_sidebar id="ygWdxkqzXZ75qjdAzj3uZRSr9EsPc8tO"]Given that state investigations keep finding Planned Parenthood hasn't broken any laws, we're betting this congressional inquiry will calmly and rationally examine the evidence, see that the recent sting videos are naught but bullcrap of the highest order, and wrap up its work within a few weeks.

Haha, we are joking you of course! They will probably subpoena Jim Bakker to explain how Abortionplexes pull double duty as centers for Satanic sacrifices! 

[contextly_sidebar id="Cn3qUWFZpuexBmoQTyVwAjKVBNtrLowh"]The Select Investigative Panel will be chaired by Tennessee Rep. Marsha Blackburn, who in 2013 vowed to end all federal funding of abortion, which was a pretty easy goal seeing as how it's already illegal. She's also been behind any number of attempts to ban abortions after 20 weeks, plus she's also convinced that Christians are being oppressed in America.

What we're saying is, it's nice to see that Boehner found someone who's dedicated to addressing the issue objectively.

Boehner's press release on the appointments is the usual stew of horsehockey about trading baby parts for wool, like in the classic game Settlers of Cataan:

Recent videos exposing the abortion-for-baby parts business have shocked the nation, and demanded action. At my request, three House committees have been investigating the abortion business, but we still don’t have the full truth. Chairman Blackburn and our members will have the resources and the subpoena power to get to the bottom of these horrific practices, and build on our work to protect the sanctity of all human life.

So in the Benghazi investigation, inaccurate information about a video is central to the whining, while in the Planned Parenthood investigation, the inaccurate videos themselves are proof that something fishy is going on. Before this mess is over, we'll probably be treated to dramatic congressional testimony about the Zapruder Fetus.

For its part, Planned Parenthood issued a press release condemning the political motivation and "false and discredited claims" in the videos, but said that even though the investigation was bullshit (perhaps we paraphrase a bit):

[Planned Parenthood will] continue to share the facts with all of these committees, which include that fetal tissue donation for medical research is an important but tiny part of Planned Parenthood's work in just two states, that we've had guidance in place for more than a decade that goes well beyond the legal requirements, and that even doctored and discredited videos show no wrongdoing by Planned Parenthood.

After typing that, Planned Parenthood's press liaison sighed and had herself a good stiff drink. Then she reflected on how the Republicans' Benghazi hearing failed so spectacularly, it will probably help elect Hillary Clinton, and she got to work researching how Planned Parenthood could take office as VP.

[ TPM ]