During Tuesday night’s Democratic debate, Mike Huckabee pulled out his meat fingers, which resemble a sort of papier-mâché where the hardening agent is dried bull semen, and tweeted this:
Yeah, awwww, everybody just needs Jesus and then cops will stop murdering black people. But then, as if to demonstrate his OWN “sin not racism” problem, Huck followed up (THE VERY NEXT TWEET!) with this:
GET IT? Because Asian people eat dogs! HA! HA HA Hucka-burn! This is the funniest joke since the last time a limp-dicked white wingnut forwarded an email that had a picture of Barack Obama dressed up as a monkey!
Oh, but no, you dumb stupid liberal dumbstupids, you just don’t UNDERSTAND Huckabee’s hilarious joke, and you’re probably boy-crazy for North Korea’s Kim Jong-Un, the way Kim Davis gets boy-crazy when she sees a human man she hasn’t married yet. Regardless, you don’t get it, so he Hucka-splained:
Yep, Mike Huckabee, you jizz-encrusted fucktoad, that’s it. That was the part of the tweet everybody seized upon. Except no, Mike Huckabee, you putrid chunk of salmonella-infected dick cheese, that is not the part of the tweet everybody was mad about.
It was the part about HAHA Asians eat dogs. Because unless you are dumber than the Arkansan incest wagon you dun fell out of, you know that the dog-eating thing is not about North Koreans, specifically, but is a very racist thing that people (bad people, with poorly developed senses of humor) say about ALL ASIANS.
But there’s another reason people seized on that tweet, aside from the fact that Mike Huckabee is a racist bag of cheaply sourced squirrel testicles. Remember that time Mike Huckabee’s son killed a dog? No, seriously:
REMEMBER THAT TIME MIKE HUCKABEE’S SON FUCKING MURDERED A DOG?
Mike Huckabee is the last person in the US and A who should be making jokes about North Korean chefs getting near “his labrador,” since he probably shouldn’t even be allowed to OWN a labrador, on account of how you never know what might happen when this trash-ass motherfucker (his son David, what he made with his Hucka-penis and his wife’s vagina) comes over:
If you don’t remember, here, we shall aggregate ourselves, and no, that is not a sex term:
Word is that David [Huckabee] and his best buddy hanged a stray dog while they were counselors at a Boy Scout camp, but no charges were ever filed and David eventually became an Eagle Scout despite being fired from his “job” as a Boy Scout camp counselor for torturing a fucking stray dog. While neither confirming nor denying the incident, Huck told Newsweek “There was a dog that apparently had mange and was absolutely, I guess, emaciated.”
Not only did David Huckabee NOT try to help the dog — because dogs recover from mange ALL THE FUCKING TIME, and they recover from emaciation by EATING FOOD (science fact!) — he decided, hey why not, let’s TORTURE AND HANG THE STRAY DOG. Sarah McLachlan does not approve, and neither does Jesus.
So fuck you, Mike Huckabee, for firing the stray spooge-bullet into your wife and bringing that delightful man into the world, and fuck you, Mike Huckabee, for thinking you have ANY moral authority to talk to ANYONE, EVER, ABOUT ANY FUCKING THING. Take your racist tweets, your piece of shit son, your presidential campaign, your elevation of Kim Davis to fake martyr status, your hateful comments about Syrian refugees, your BFF Josh “I Molest Sisters” Duggar, ALL OF THOSE THINGS, and shove them up your Good Christian Rancid Pockmarked Asshole, where they belong.
In Jesus’s name, Amen.