SHARE
Time isn't holding up. Time isn't after us
Time isn’t holding up. Time isn’t after us

“Democrat” Jim Webb came off kind of creepy in the Democratic debate Tuesday, and it wasn’t just when he talked about that time he killed a guy, though that didn’t help. Like, not quite “You know he fucked underaged prostitutes in Thailand on leave” creepy, but you can totally see him sitting in the basement smoking and watching old movies all night like your friend’s scary dad, ready to snap all the time. We know, we know: That’s a cruel stereotype of Vietnam vets. And the fact that Jim Webb fits it perfectly makes it no less cruel. Even so, look at this guy explaining what political enemy he’s proudest of, and following it with a creepy grin:

I’d have to say the enemy soldier that threw the grenade that wounded me, but he’s not around right now to talk to …

And yes, as Gawker points out, Webb was a legit War Hero, awarded the Navy Cross for some seriously badass war-hero stuff that included surviving two grenade attacks while destroying three bunkers; as they approached the last of them, the enemy soldiers threw a grenade, according to Webb’s medal citation:

Observing the grenade land dangerously close to his companion, First Lieutenant Webb simultaneously fired his weapon at the enemy, pushed the Marine away from the grenade, and shielded him from the explosion with his own body. Although sustaining painful fragmentation wounds from the explosion, he managed to throw a grenade into the aperture and completely destroy the remaining bunker.

So, brave man, no doubt. And also a guy obsessed with making sure that he got enough time to speak during the debate; we counted at least three times he complained to moderator Anderson Cooper that the clock was his enemy and he wanted to frag it. Here’s a one-minute montage of all Webb’s problems with time, from Bloomberg Politics:

Maybe it’s that time in combat that left him aware of the minutes ticking away, ticking, ticking, like the Rolex watch that he wore in the ‘Nam.

It was nice of him to not attack Bernie Sanders for applying for Conscientious Objector status during the war, and nice of Sanders to say “Jim Webb is the kindest, bravest, warmest human being I have ever known,” and to praise Webb for his support of the post-9/11 GI Bill. But for the most part, Webb kept reminding us that he’s the most Republican of the Democratic candidates, as in his strange pivot to complaining about China during a question about Libya.

And frankly, his closing statement struck us as just plain weird:

And then he stared into the camera and muttered, “Saigon … shit, I’m still only in Saigon …”

You never know — this may have been enough to show Webb’s exactly the rightish guy for the VP slot, to prove the Dems have a Tough Guy on the ticket. Or maybe you just don’t want to bother him when he’s watching movies in the basement, man.

Note: This post was written after Dok Zoom drank a quart of Jim Beam, ate a handful of mushrooms, and punched a mirror while doing Tae Kwon Do in his underpants.

[Gawker / Mother Jones / Bloomberg / Vox]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Lizzietish81
  • Indiepalin

    Plus he hates the fucking Eagles.

    • Jenny

      Which ones? The band, the team, or the crying ones who come out on 9-11?

      • RevZafod

        These,

  • Cismontane

    Creepy? I don’t know about that, but definitely whiney and scary, and if he actually did have a shot, I’d be seriously concerned about the prospects for an extinction-level event. Every comment he made about foreign policy, I was seeing mushroom clouds.

  • goonemeritus

    Isn’t time we had a Democratic president that not only knew how not to killed by grenade throwers but had a proven record of effectively throwing one back.

    • Zippy

      Then he could teach his fellow Dems how to defend themselves against a man armed with a banana

      • BloviateMe

        !!

    • Putty

      Of course, Ben Carson would say, “S’cuse me, I think you mean to throw the grenade at THAT guy.”

  • BloviateMe

    This post was written after Dok Zoom drank a quart of Jim Beam, ate a handful of mushrooms, and punched a mirror while doing Tae Kwon Do in his underpants.

    Man, those must be some roomy underpants, if you can do Tae Kwon Do in them.

    • OddMan

      What the mirror was doing in his underpants we’ll never know.

      • Gristle McThornbody

        In Tae Kwon Do there is a very advanced Ben Wa move that Dok was undoubtedly confused about. Wrong balls, Dok.

        • Zippy

          wax on, whacks off

    • mtn_philosoph

      The horror … the HORROR!!!

  • JoeChristmas

    You know who else was a disgruntled, unhinged vet from a lost war?

    • Lizzietish81

      McCain?

    • clubseal

      This door?

    • Enfant Terrible

      Nathaniel Bedford Forrest?

    • Randy Riddle

      Kim Davis?

      Pat Robertson?

      The entire state of Alabama?

    • Spotts1701

      Frank Castle?

    • Suttree

      Santa Claus?

      • Zippy

        It’s not over yet! Ohio is going to go his way!

    • PubOption

      Rambo?

    • chicken thief

      Mel Gibson in a couple a movies?

    • say wha

      Luke Skywalker?

    • RevZafod

      Well, 7 hours later and now I guess I gotta step up to the plate and take a swing because nobody else had the cojones to say who you obviously had in mind.

      Walter Sobchak, who said “Say what you will about the tenets of National Socialism; at least it was an ethos.”

  • Cismontane
    • Bearpaw01

      Nah, Webb wouldn’t be waving his hat around and yelling yee-haw all the way down. He’d just have that same grim, into-the-valley-of-death-rode-the-six-hundred look on his face.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Thank you, thank you – that is EXACTLY the look on his face!!

  • Zippy

    This post was written after Dok Zoom drank a quart of Jim Beam, ate a handful of mushrooms, and punched a mirror while doing Tae Kwon Do in his underpants.

    Sounds like your night went about the same as Jim’s

  • I think we’ve had enough ‘tough guys’ on our presidential tickets. I’d prefer a peacemaker. Or at the very least someone who is extremely reluctant to send other people’s children to die in our largely pointless wars.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Good point. And you’d think it’s the tough guys who went through that kind of hell that would be the most reluctant. The McCains, the Webbs, the Kerrys. Although bona-fied war hero GHW Bush did stir up that little action in the sandbox when Saddam visited Kuwait.

      • Werewolf

        Uh, something about Iraq and Kuwait? (I was in Israel then-hearing an air raid siren panics me to this day. No snark here).

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Yeah, you caught me before the edit. Caffeine had not yet kicked in

  • Count Awesome

    Webb reminds me of Tim Robbins in ‘War of the Worlds’.

  • elpinche

    Webb is trying give those few rightwing nutjob stragglers a hard on.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Webb probably still wakes up at night, from dreams where he’s wondering why he’s not “back in the world.”

    I know I do, sometimes.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      PTSD. Where being “in country” never ends.

  • Blackest Noobs

    “Democrat” Jim Webb

    yeah that pretty much says it all, fuck this guy ( ie. he’s basically a fucking Republican)

  • an eye for a jedi

    Jim Webb wanted a mission. And for his sins, they gave him one.

  • JoeChristmas

    As unsettling Jim was, he wasn’t nearly as disturbing as any one of the GOP clown car participants.

    • Zippy

      not even close…

    • Lance Thrustwell

      True dat

    • goonemeritus

      At least he doesn’t just talk about killing people like most
      of those Republicans.

  • Zippy

    I wouldn’t vote for Webb for POTUS, but I’d certainly consider appointing him as the guy to go in country and take out Trump.

    The horror! The horror!

    • MsAnthropesMr

      I can see trump with a pile of baby arms.

      • Zippy

        This is the end, my only friend the end

    • Lascauxcaveman

      LOL, and Webb would probably shoot Dennis Hopper just to get him to STFU.

    • Cindyinencinitas

      I actually phone banked to get the nutter elected. The horror! The horror!

  • cousin itt

    Webb loves the smell of napalm in the morning.

    • Zippy

      I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a straight razor. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare

  • Lance Thrustwell

    This is what happens when you push the moderates out of the GOP – they come wandering into the strangest places, like a Democratic debate stage.

  • Cismontane

    The scariest thing is that as Strangelovian as Webb came off, he still sounded more sane to me than at least 11 of the 15 remaining Republicans.

    • Zippy

      and no one can even remember who the other four are

      • Cismontane

        Well, some bridge traffic control guy named Chris Christie did call for us to shoot down Russian planes in Syria… so, yeah. That was memorable. Somewhat.

  • Spotts1701

    I won’t know how to evaluate this unless he explains whether it was an overhand or underhand toss.

  • goonemeritus

    That 70’s Show [1.15][edit]

    [Red and Eric visit Rocky Johnson in his locker room]

    Red: I wonder if you’d mind giving my son
    an autograph.

    Manager: [cuts off Red] No, no
    autographs.

    Red: Look, I might be the only guy in here
    who’s actually killed a man.

    Manager: Give the kid an autograph and then no
    more autographs.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …ok, I just sobered up from last night. What did I miss?!?!

    • Suttree

      Gay socialism and a deep-seated hatred of jeebus’ america.

    • tihond

      Bernie and Hillary teamed up, forming Megazord.

    • DahBoner

      Sunburn is worse than a beheading. Ask your doctor.

    • chicken thief

      Huckleberry learned to tweet but forgot about his son killing dogs.

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      The Cubs won. Thinking those end-of-the-worlders were in fact correct, just off by a week.

    • Cindyinencinitas

      They found a cure for AD … kitty!

    • OrdinaryJoe

      AOTK

  • tihond

    He’s like Zippy the Pinhead come-to-life.

    • Zippy

      Pssst, I’m right here…

  • Jenny

    The Big Lebowski. The best movie or the bestest movie??

    • Lizzietish81

      Big Trouble in Little China Libel!

    • dslindc

      That’s not the preferred nomenclature.

    • Vecciojohn

      You’re out of you’re element, Jim!

      • Zippy

        shut the fuck up Donny!

    • chicken thief

      Don’t fuck with Jesus.

    • Cindyinencinitas

      Fuck me. I mean, say what you want about the tenets of National Socialism, Dude, at least it’s an ethos.

    • RevZafod

      Well, after six LebowskiFests in LA twice, NYC, Chicago, Austin, and Louisville, three Best Walter trophies, one Best Group Costume trophy*, I may be prejudiced, but FUCK YEAH; the bestest ever!

      * “‘Course, I can’t say I seen London, and I never been to France, and I ain’t never seen no queen in her damn undies as the fella says.”

  • Angry_Cop

    I know we can’t dictate who is or is not a member of any given party – Fred Phelps having been a lifelong Democrat being my favorite example – but I’d really prefer it if Webb could go home to the GOP, where he truly belongs.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Webb has no place else to go. He’s PTSD crazy but the Redumblicans are schizo paranoid looney tunes all the screws are loose crazy.

  • artem1s

    Stockdale 2.0?

    • Angry_Cop

      No. Stockdale was a horrific tale of tragedy, capped with Perot’s exploiting the guy for his run. Webb may be weird, but he’s still functional. Stockdale never was after coming back. You could kind of make an argument that he never really did come back.

      • artem1s

        hopefully Webb kiboshed his chances of getting shoe-horned into the VP slot, because FEEDUM WAR ON TARA 91!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Zippy

      I knew Jim Stockdale, Jim Stockdale was a friend of mine, Jim Webb is no Jim Stockdale

  • Bill Slider

    As a former Marine, and Vietnam vet, I know I don’t want Jim Webb, or Jim Beam, anywhere near any buttons, that when pushed, go boom.

    • Cismontane
      • Zippy

        pulled it out of Barry Goldwater’s basement

    • beatbort

      Webb does have that Gen. Jack. D. Ripper vibe, where he could launch nukes and then calmly, and in a droning, self-assured voice, explain why he must reduce the earth to rubble to his second in command, Mandrake.

      • ThePuckStopsHere

        I see him as more of a “Look, nobody’s saying we’re not going to get our hair mussed,” Gen.Buck Turgidson sort of guy. In fact, it would have been perfect had his girlfriend called him during the debate.

  • BadKitty904

    I don’t think I’ve ever seen a Dem presidential candidate channel Christopher Walken on national TV…

  • an eye for a jedi

    Even the jungle wanted him to do terrible in that debate. And that’s who he really took his orders from anyway.

  • DahBoner

    I’m surprised he didn’t kill a man in Reno Las Vegas just to watch him die…

    https://media1.giphy.com/media/xPyIIEsx2Ixsk/200w_d.gif

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    “This post was written after Dok Zoom drank
    a quart of Jim Beam, ate a handful of mushrooms, and punched a mirror
    while doing Tae Kwon Do in his underpants.”

    Was that you in my basement? Because, yes, it was seriously creepy.

  • BadKitty904

    “Mistah Webbz – his candidacy dead.”

    • eggsacklywright

      “Ahhh…Mr. At-kin-son, he fall out of window, onto exploding bomb, run over by car.”

  • Skwerl King

    This post was written after Dok Zoom drank a quart of Jim Beam, ate a handful of mushrooms, and punched a mirror while doing Tae Kwon Do in his underpants.

    Around here we call that “Thursday”

    • Lizzietish81

      It’s Wednesday

      • Skwerl King

        That’s why I am humpin’ furiously.

    • BadKitty904

      He was somewhere around Barstow on the edge of the desert…

      • Suttree

        When the drugs began to take hold.

    • Normal Tuesday night for Shia LaBeouf…

      • chicken thief

        Leave Shei laButt out of this!

  • Joe Beese

    There is something profoundly disturbing about the shape of that man’s head.

    • BadKitty904

      Like he’s wearing a badly-fitting human skin…

      • Zippy

        I’m telling everyone, he’s really Edgar from Men in Black

        • BadKitty904

          That would explain the carafe of sugar-water on his podium…

        • Cindyinencinitas

          I think I was married to him once…

      • Jenny

        I had to explain to my son recently that MIB is fiction. He swore that everyone he sees looks and acts like Edgar. Sorry son, they’re not aliens, just Texans.

        • Zippy

          same difference

        • BadKitty904

          Hey, it’s a thin line, mind you…

  • Notreelyhelping

    Never going to make president, but an obvious choice for Secretary of Flashbacks.

  • Lizzietish81

    I’m reminded of the dead guy in the Prophecy who was possessing a little girl and talking about the skin masks he had in the desert and eating Chinese.

  • beatbort

    Let’s send Webb into the heart of darkness known as Arkansas to neutralize that rogue, Col. Huckabee…

    • CalvinianChoice

      He’d have to go through Tom Cotton first.

      • Zippy

        you say that like it’s a bad thing

  • Indiepalin

    Cut him some slack. Jim Webb hasn’t had a hit since “Wichita Lineman”

  • freakishlystrong

    The only thing not Republican about Webb is that he actually went to war.

    • Zippy

      at least he walked the walk, unlike those fucking cowards

      • freakishlystrong

        Exactly, that “D” doesn’t stand for “deferment”.

    • Logic of Color

      Nice one!

  • Indiepalin

    He cleans his gun. And dreams of Galveston.

    • Suse

      Great song!

      • Msgr_Moment

        Didn’t he play lineman for Wichita St.?

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    I watched a snail crawl along the edge of a political debate. That’s my dream; that’s my nightmare. Crawling, slithering, along the edge of a political debate… and surviving.

    • IDon’tCareWhatYouThink

      Everyone gets what he wants. He wanted a campaign, and for his sins they gave him one. Brought it up to him like an aide taking a gun into the capitol. It is a real choice campaign, and when it is over, he’ll never want another.

      • JeffWest

        It’s In the pantry above the sink, right next to my bottle of dick cream, Wait… Forget that last comment.

  • diogenez
  • BadKitty904

    Jim “Di Di Mao” Webb…

    • William_C_Diaz

      Not sure how ‘Di di mau’ applies other than the fact that Jim Webb speaks Vietnamese…

      Have a great day!

      • BadKitty904

        Perhaps fans of The Deer Hunter and/or The Simpsons will get it…

  • DemmeFatale

    Say, you know who loves angry white dudes?
    (I have to admit that when he beat George “macaca” Allen, I was very pleased.)

    • Vienna Woods

      And isn’t it just sad that he was the best option?

    • chicken thief

      Kim Davis?

  • Robyn Ryan

    Manly men……

  • georgiaburning

    Although I understand this kind of Semper Fi creepy, and have excused it a few times, it’s not the sort of thing I’d want near those big red buttons

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Better him than a shitty grade Z movie star…

  • Smokey, this is not ‘Nam, this is bowling. There are rules.https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WiQmQhA-OrM

    • At least Webb didn’t pull out a pistol during the debate…

      • stevola

        He’s calmer than you are.

  • Joe Beese

    Just sayin’.

  • Tio_Doidinho

    “Jim Webb is the kindest, bravest, warmest human being I have ever known,”

    Now where have I heard that phrase before?

  • Jeamonn

    “Observing the grenade land dangerously close to his companion, First Lieutenant Webb simultaneously fired his weapon at the enemy, pushed the Marine away from the grenade, and shielded him from the explosion with his massive forehead. Although sustaining painful fragmentation wounds from the explosion, he managed to head-butt an aperture into the bunker then throw a grenade into that aperture and completely destroy the remaining bunker.”

  • chicken thief

    Not that it excuses Webb in any way from getting all creepy but Hillz blew that question also too like Monica in the Oval Office.

  • TheBidenator

    Doing Tae Kwon Do in your underpants? Dirk Diggler says to quit stealing his bits, Zoom!

  • TheBidenator

    Jim Webb pretty much is the Walter Sobchak of the Democratic Party- he doesn’t really fit in and harshes our mellow with his constant war posturing, gun love and wingnut-lite ranting but we hang out with him anyway…

    • marxalot

      I really think the Democratic Party can find someone else to round out the bowling night team.

      • Cindyinencinitas

        Maybe this guy?

        • whyieverdidit

          More like…

    • RevZafod

      Hey, I resemble that. This clip of me and the Best Dude the day after LebowskiFest LA in 2007, outside the fence at Sunken City in San Pedro.

      http://www.diverdan.name/Donnie's%20Ashes%20BB.wmv

  • Billy Croissant

    So, the takeaway is that projecting an air of tightly controlled insanity is a bad thing? Check.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Jim, Jim. Stop talking about ‘Nam. Please. We get it that you’re an actual combat veteran, unlike, say, a certain deserting coward war criminal and his puppetmaster, the Dark Lord of the Sith.

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      I never heard George W. Bush described like that before.

      • cynmac

        Doesn’t mean it isn’t true…

  • chicken thief

    Underage prostitutes in Thailand? During that period, I believe that would be “AOT, Katy”.

  • Callyson

    Here’s a one-minute montage of all Webb’s problems with time, from Bloomberg Politics

  • Bitter Scribe

    I have the distinct feeling about Webb that he doesn’t quite want to admit that all of the pain and suffering and sacrifice, by him and his companions, in Vietnam was for nothing. He’s too smart to be one of those “teh Libruls stabbed us in the back” guys but I don’t think he ever reconciled himself to the fact that the formative experience of his life was just a waste, and the only war that the U.S. clearly lost.

    • KB

      And with his obsession about China’s activities in the South China Sea, which would play extremely well in Hanoi but means nothing to the average American, he’s got to have a lot of ties to Vietnam through his wife. I find it hard to believe that he hasn’t figured out the people on the other side were mostly good people who believed they were fighting to defend their country’s freedom.

      It may have been kill or be killed, but the whole thing was just so pointless and so much was sacrificed for so little.

    • Shibusa

      Nick Turse’s book “Kill Anything That Moves: The Real American War in Vietnam” is truly an eye-opener. Calling that war a waste doesn’t begin to do justice to the everyday, terrible, unspeakable violence done to Vietnamese non-combatant by US troops.

      • Vecciojohn

        Haven’t read the book, but I can attest that the handful of Vietnam vets I ran around with my first year in college all had harrowing atrocity stories to tell.

        • Shibusa

          Check out the book. It’s best read in small doses. You get numb to the sheer numbers of documented village massacres and gang rapes committed by US troops after a while. All green-lighted from the top of the US military food chain.

          • Vecciojohn

            When will this reality enter consciousness on a broader societal level? When will we ever acknowledge the reality of history? With luck, we are just another comic era, a Second Empire.

          • Shibusa

            No doubt, there will be a book in 30 years entitled “Kill Anything That Moves: The Real American War in Iraq” or “Kill Anything That Moves: The Real American War in Afghanistan” or…

  • Salvatore Napoli

    Doc Zoom: That was a liter of Martell, not Jim Beam.

  • Jason M

    My tolerance for Webb is set inversely proportionate to the amount he speaks.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      He scares me. I feel like at any moment he is going to collapse to the floor in a ball having a post Viet Nam flashback yelling “medic !!!”

  • MrBlobfish

    Too sane for the Crazy Party. Too crazy for the Sane Party.

  • Les Bohlen

    A bit of a harsh article.

  • SC

    The Wonkers are on a roll today!

  • azeyote

    he was at the wrong debate

  • Msgr_Moment

    Good thing there was no Concealed Carry in the casino last night.

  • Magic Juan

    the last guy that didn’t let me speak for like 10 minutes….well let’s just say he could make it here tonight….

  • whitroth

    He really did look sort of stuffed, or maybe animatronic…. Sort of like an overfull sausage. I just don’t know….

    mark

    • Shibusa

      I find him so odd-looking. Maybe Dr. Carson could help him resize his forehead.

  • Me not sure

    Speaking of movies, Webb seems like a natural addition to the cast of the next installment of “The Expendables” franchise.

  • damanoid

    Say what you will about Jim Webb, but I think it’s pretty gutsy of him to lean so hard on his ‘Nam record, in the full knowledge that if he were nominated, he would still be shamelessly swiftboated as a lying, cowardly Pinko weakling.

    He does know that, right?

  • Tansy Geek

    Sorry but in the first 2 photos he looks like Colin Firth with hydrocephalus.

  • bluicebank

    I think Anderson Cooper is lucky to be alive and ambulatory today.

  • Webb’s not a candidate. He’s a delivery boy…sent by…grocery clerks…to pick up a bill.
    (throws Frederic Forrest’s head to the ground)

  • Beaumarchais?

    It’s not a good sign to wonder if one of the candidates was going to harm himself later that night.

  • swbeauty

    I die! Good stuff Zoom.

  • FauxAntocles

    Whup whup whup…

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Jim Webb. Poster boy for PTSD.

  • TutuWuwu

    Boxers, briefs, or a thong?

  • Although it’s been over forty years since my tour in the big muddy-I don’t think I served with anyone as crazy as this guy.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    I guess there was a time (around 2003) when “I’m so close to being a Republican, you can barely tell the difference!” might have been a selling point in a Democratic primary, but it’s all over now.

  • bardgal

    Letting the days go by…water flowing underground…

Previous articleBen Carson Sorta Sorry For Saying Jews Holocausted Themselves, Can He Be President Now?
Next articleHillary Clinton Lady Yells About Planned Parenthood Way Better Than That Liar Carly Fiorina