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"Screw you, kid"
Definitely what Jesus would do

Quick question: Does this sound like healthcare to you?

Gov. Mike Pence announced a $3.5 million contract Monday with the anti-abortion organization Real Alternatives. […]

The stated purpose of the Pennsylvania-based Real Alternatives is to “actively promote childbirth instead of abortion.” […]

[Pence] called the move an “important step” for the health of women and families.

In the contract, Real Alternatives is bringing resources to existing pregnancy centers and adoption and social services agencies “so more women can be served and fewer abortions chosen.”

Of course it doesn’t sound like healthcare to you, because you are not a “pro-life” idiot, like Indiana Gov. Mike Pence (R-As If Couldn’t Have Guessed). You know that telling ladies to “choose life” is in no way equivalent to, say, smearing their pap holes to make sure they don’t have cancer in their ladyparts. Or squeezing their boobies or prescribing their contraception for sexing and not-sexing purposes. Or any of the number of things that constitute actual lady healthcare provided by actual medical staff who went to school to learn how ladyparts work.

This group, Real Alternatives, which appears to be your typical crisis pregnancy center, does not do any of that. If you’re worried about STDs, the group can refer you to a clinic that can test your cooter, but what you really need to know is how to say no to doing sex in the first place. Because we all know how effective “abstinence” is.

Think you might be pregnant? Well, Real Alternatives apparently doesn’t employ any medical professionals to examine you, but it will provide you with a free stick to piss on and “a referral to a health care provider to confirm the results.” Real Alternatives can also help you figure out how to tell your boyfriend he’s gonna be a daddy — and how to resist any attempts to “coerce” you into not having that baby.

Oh and if you’re homeless, well, Real Alternatives can help you find a “temporary shelter” where you can crash until you pop that baby out, and also tell you about all the services available for to help out poor pregnant ladies who can’t afford to feed or clothe or house themselves.

Funny thing, though. Guess where the $3.5 million is coming from?

The governor’s office said the contract will be funded through existing monies from the Temporary Assistance for Needy Families (TANF) program.

Cool! So the program that provides assistance to families in need will have less money to provide assistance to families in need so the state can instead invest in telling families in need to have more babies! What a fan-fucking-tastic plan! But maybe the state has a few million extra dollars to “actively promote childbirth” since Gov. Pence implemented “welfare reform” in 2014 because, as he explained:

“You know, it’s the old story,” he continued. “Give someone a fish, and they’ll eat for a day. Teach them to fish, they’ll eat for a lifetime. I think this is an idea whose time has come here in the state of Indiana.”

So Gov. Pence is giving money to this “counseling” group — that, again, does not actually provide any healthcare whatsoever but is somehow supposed to improve women’s health, UH HUH — to tell women that just because they’re broke and homeless is no reason not to have that baby, because look at all these great programs to help them! Except that Gov. Pence made it that much harder to qualify for those programs because, come on, ladies, learn how to catch your own damn fish.

But hey, maybe with all those millions of dollars being taken from the mouths of Indiana’s poorest residents and given to “pro-life” zealots, Real Alternatives could add a new program to counsel broke and homeless women on how to ask their boyfriends to teach them how to fish.

[The Indy Channel]

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