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'Hey, guys, everybody attack him. He...' BLAM!!
‘Hey, guys, everybody attack him. He…’ BLAM!!

Ben Carson continues his hilarious winning strategy of telling America that the victims of last week’s massacre were a bunch of pussies, because who in their right mind gets shot? That’s so lame. He has either refused to consider that maybe shitting on victims of a massacre isn’t a particularly smart strategy, or maybe he’s decided that there are more rightwing morons who explain in internet comments how they’d take that shooter down than there are people who are appalled at his comments. He could be right about that, even. But in a Wednesday radio interview, he told a significantly different story about this one time when somebody pointed a gun at him:

“I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeye’s organization” in Baltimore, the retired neurosurgeon told Karen Hunter on Sirius XM Radio, referring to the fried chicken fast-food chain.

“Guy comes in, put the gun in my ribs. And I just said, ‘I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.'”

First off, leaving aside the dumb gun story for the moment, “a Popeye’s organization”? Are they a subsidiary of the Tamaribuchi Heavy Manufacturing Concern? Meh, organization, establishment, whatever. But that’s a pretty impressive contrast to what he told Fox News he’d say if confronted by a hypothetical mass shooter:

[Not] only would I probably not cooperate with him, I would not just stand there and let him shoot me. I would say, “Hey, guys, everybody attack him. He may shoot me, but he can’t get us all.”

Hmm… maybe the difference is that the gunman in the Popeye’s was only intent on armed robbery, not murder, so Brave Sir Benjamin was perfectly willing to cooperate in that case — it’s certainly the Christian thing to do, like when Jesus said, “But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him and say, ‘I think you meant to hit that other dude.'” If nothing else, we certainly learned that Ben Carson is an unfailingly polite fellow, pointing the robber to the correct victim.

Also on Wednesday, Carson told CBS This Morning host Norah O’Donnell that he hadn’t heard of Chris Mintz, the student and military veteran who actually did rush the shooter at Umpqua Community College, although he was shot seven times, and, like a total loser, didn’t succeed in taking down the gunman. Not that Mintz’s heroism means Carson was wrong when he suggested that the victims were cowards or anything:

“That verifies what I’m saying,” he went on to say. “That’s exactly what should be done. And if everybody does that, the likelihood of him being able to kill as many people diminishes quite significantly.”

Also, too, Carson explained that he has absolutely no interest in criticisms that he was insensitive toward those dead wusses in Oregon, complaining that we live in

“a culture now where people decide that everything you say, we need to set up battle lines and we need to get on this side of it or that side of it, rather than collectively trying to figure out how we can solve the problem.”

“It’s sort of an immature attitude, but it seems to be something that’s rampant in America today,” he added.

Honestly, can’t a man suggest a completely practical solution to mass shootings without being called insensitive? You know who the real victim of all this finger-pointing is? Ben Carson. Don’t cross him, or he’ll take you down.

Unless of course there’s someone else nearby he can suggest you should attack instead.

[CNN / Politico]

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  • Steverino247

    The most batshit insane candidate ever for President of the United States.

  • Randy Riddle

    I can’t make fun of Ben Carson anymore. I really think there’s some kind of degenerative brain disease going on there.

    • Jeamonn

      Kuru is a very rare disease. It is caused by an infectious protein found in contaminated human brain tissue.

      Kuru is found among people from New Guinea who practiced a form of cannibalism in which they ate the brains of dead people as part of a funeral ritual. This practice stopped in 1960, but cases of kuru were reported for many years afterward because the disease has a long incubation period. The incubation period is the time it takes for symptoms to appear after being exposed to the agent that causes disease.

      Kuru causes brain and nervous system changes similar to Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease. Similar diseases appear in cows as bovine spongiform encephalopathy (BSE), also called mad cow disease.

      The main risk factor for kuru is eating human brain tissue, which can contain the infectious particles.

      Ben Carson- eating on the job?

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Look there’s not always time for a lunch break okay?????//?//

      • Msgr_Moment

        It begs the question: whose ribs WAS he eating at that Popeyes establishment?

      • Lizzietish81

        Scorpius libel!

      • Toomush_Infer

        And now he has to do brain surgery on himself – won’t anybody please leave Ben Carson alone!?….

        • kindness

          C’mon now….Ben was 50 Shades Of Awesome here. Who wouldn’t want someone as president who tells a gun wielding robber ‘Pstt….Hey Buddy? You know who really haz all the moniez? That pimply kid behind the counter. Go after him!’ This especially highlights Ben’s enormous huevos because sicking a robber on a kid is so courageous as to be just about the same as rushing the robber. Whatta man!

      • Randy Riddle

        In all seriousness, he could have had exposure to something like this by accident during a surgery incident. If you look at older videos of him and compare them to today, there’s something definitely getting worse with his speech and mannerisms.

        • pstockholm

          Clearly he’s the new Reagan.

        • Jeamonn

          Yeah, its called conservatism…

          • Randy Riddle

            Somebody like Trump or Cruz was never articulate – there’s been a change in Carson since he retired from surgery.

        • Jeamonn

          What if he did brain surgery on Reagan and he got infected?

          • Ima Witstup

            That’s got to be it: Zombie Reagan Spongiform Encephalopathy

        • mtn_philosoph

          Yeah, but just prion stop it now.

    • CalvinianChoice

      Dead serious. I’m a doctor and shit. This guy is in the early stage of Alzheimer’s.

      • Werewolf

        Hey, worked for Ronnie Raygun….

  • Ryan Denniston

    “the victims of last week’s massacre were a bunch of pussies, because who in their right mind gets shot? That’s so lame.”

    “He’s not a hero. He’s a hero because he was shot. I like people that weren’t shot, OK?”

    – Trump, Carson, and the rest of these nitwits

  • Jeamonn

    I’m still tripping on the fact that he said that the Nazi’s wouldn’t have been able to holocaust the Jews as well if wasn’t for gun control.

  • cmd

    Does Popeye’s sell ribs? Why would the guy put a gun in Ben Carson’s food?

    • Doug Langley

      The only way to stop a bad rib with a gun . . .

  • Msgr_Moment

    If Ben Carson had had a gun on him at the time, those cojoined twins would have split their head in two all by themselves!!

  • Lizzietish81

    Virgin Sacrifice IS a standard procedure for Republicans.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him and say, ‘I think you meant to hit that other dude.’”

    Aside from highlighting one of the funniest sentences I’ve read in a while, I’m left to wonder. Were there no drafts to be dodged for poor Ben Carson?

    • Toomush_Infer

      Ben sez: “Kiss this cheek!”…

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    If only Dr. Ben had been at Auschwitz…

    • Msgr_Moment

      “I think those Jews over there are the ones you want….”

  • Toomush_Infer

    So the guy in Popeye’s mistook him for the counter person….how could such a thing happen?….huh….

    • mardam422

      I guess Ol’ Doc Carson was wearing one of those Popeye”s aprons, for some reason. Maybe they had run out of scrubs at the hospital what with all the brains and blood and stuff he keeps getting on them and were wearing Popeye’s aprons till the laundry was done. Otherwise, I just can’t figure it out.

  • Shibusa

    In that Popeye’s situation, Dr. Carson threw the cashier under the bus. He’d like Dr. Zachary Smith in ‘Lost in Space’, cowering behind the boy. “Never fear, Ben is here!”

    • Doug Langley

      Oh, the pain, the pain . . .

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    He also said that the Jews shoulda been armed to have stopped all those Nazis and that is why we can’t have gun control.
    No really, he said that for really real.

    • Ryan Denniston

      I’m convinced that the Right is sort of like a pyramid scheme, where nouns, which have actual meaning in real life, are simply empty containers to be filled with whatever one of these morons decides will motivate the wingnuttosphere with ever more hate or love. In their world, words like Constitution, and Bible, and liberal, and Nazi are merely vessels for love or contempt, and are completely divorced from their actual meanings. This is how one can proclaim such love of the Constitution and have zero respect for Supreme Court decisions, for example.

      • AntiDerpomeme

        Profound! I Bible this theory so much! <3

        • Ryan Denniston

          Jiggery pokery!

        • Me too! I Constitution Hitler this post, but I would add that Nazi Bible Benghazi. You might Christian Family, and I respect that, but I think you have to admit Socialist Our Troops Bible Nazi Sanctity of Marriage.

    • Shibusa

      This is a popular lie embraced by the US Ammosexual Community. Salon debunked it.

    • Jeamonn

      Yeah, but in his defense he just got done watching Defiance with Daniel Craig.

  • stankbait

    He be all like, “Hold me back Mofucker! If these dudes turn me loose I be shoving that gun up your ass and pull the trigger till it goes click”
    All whilst tearing his own shirt off. (Palinesque bravado)

    • BadKitty904

      I’m not sure Carson speaks Jive.

      • stankbait

        Its Fuckin’ Jesus Tanada man! From the Big Lebowski.
        Are you jiving me? The guy was a petterass and he could roll.

    • Creepoman

      Nobody fucks with the Jesus!

  • Bill Slider

    Corporations are people, and fast food restaurants are organizations. I need to look into taking a language course in American, I guess.

  • Ryan Denniston

    “a culture now where people decide that everything you say, we need to set up battle lines and we need to get on this side of it or that side of it, rather than collectively trying to figure out how we can solve the problem.”

    You mean you’re with us or your against us? I dare say, Dr. Carson has a keen insight into the culture of the Right, whether he knows it or not.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Naw he is saying that if you disagree with me, then you are the ones saying us or them. Otherwise, you have to agree with me and we can move on, see?

    • Bob@Bob.com

      I for one welcome the epidemic of collective problem solving

  • mrFawkes

    I had a gun put to my ribs in Baltimore a year after my tour in the USMC ended. When that cold steel pokes you near your vital organs you are frozen with fear and a glib ‘I believe you want the guy behind the counter” response is near impossible. Carson is a fucking liar.

    • Toomush_Infer

      This is such an uncheckable lie…no timeline, a plethora of the Popeyes, just the little twitchy voice in the back of your head going…”something doesn’t add up here…”

      • Antonin Dvorak

        But surely, Popeye’s home office would be aware of a robbery (or an attempt) in one of their establishments. Even if it wasn’t reported to the police, there might me some internal reports by the manager or something.

    • Lizzietish81

      Well yeah, that’s a given

    • Angry_Cop

      I, too, have been on the wrong end of a gun. Once. And yeah, you freeze. You certainly don’t suddenly become a comedian.

      • pstockholm

        I didn’t freeze, I jumped out a window (hotel room on first floor, so ok.) The only jokes I made were real zingers that occurred to me hours later. Ok, that’s par for the course, but you see my point.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I once had a guy threaten to shoot me in a deserted parking lot after a gig…because he objected to a song I did. I don’t know for a fact that he was actually packing, but I sure as hell wasn’t tossing out glib remarks.

        • Angry_Cop

          My guitar player’s cousin (parole officer) got very drunk at one of our gigs and drew down on a heckler who was objecting to a song we did. Place emptied out. We played the rest of the night to a drunk parole officer and a super-pissed off bartender, and of course (hell I agree with the decision) we never played there again.

          It wasn’t you. I hope.

      • Sgt. Gym Bunny

        I had a gun pointed at me during a four-man armed robbery in a DC Ethiopian restaurant. Surprisingly, I actually stood up and told one of the robbers “Hey, take my purse, just let me and my sister leave.” Looking back on that moment, I am hella lucky that dude didn’t smoke my ass right there on the spot (coulda been a coke/meth fiend, right???). He just motioned for me to sit down and shut up, which I did do.

        I did notice that the one look-out type who held me and my sister hostage while the others looted the registers was pointing “something” at us through his jacket pocket. Fortunately, I was smart enough to not straight up ask the dude if that wasn’t just his finger.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      All these wannabe Dirty Harry motherfuckers think they’re gonna calmly face down a shooter and save the innocents. I had a friend survive a mass shooting. He said the fear and chaos were redlined.

    • Jeamonn

      Nuh-uh, I have a still frame from the security footage…

  • Angry_Cop

    “I believe you want the guy who looks like he has two albino weasels fighting to the death on top of his head.”

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    No reason to shoot anyone at Popeye’s. If you want ’em dead, just order them more “chicken”.

  • Olav_Pompatus

    I think President Trump has found his next Secretary of Homeland Security.

  • cousin itt

    Meanwhile, a spokeschicken for the Popeyes Organization remarked that it has no comment only to say it feels well and truly fucked.

    • vivian

      That’s what makes the eyes pop.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …wait a second, isn’t the whole GOP platform based on this exact same concept? A rich guy throwing a poor guy under the bus?!?!

    • cousin itt

      Buses are people too, my friend.

    • Ryan Denniston

      That, and burning down anything that works. Come to think of it, Issa, the wealthiest Congressman and an arsonist would be perfect as speaker.

    • Angry_Cop

      “I believe you want the guy making minimum wage because he doesn’t have enough money to file a lawsuit.”

      • stankbait

        How important is money if you been writing prescriptions for your own medication for the last 30 years?

    • Shibusa

      This is the accepted model for GOP-driven wars of choice as well. Rich guy gets everybody pumped up about charging the ambush, then moves well behind them all to ‘manage’ the situation.

  • A Grumpy Cat

    Wait a minute – is he actually saying that he had a gun held on him at some point and he said, basically, “Don’t shoot me – you want that guy?” Am I misinterpreting?

    • doktorzoom

      That is precisely what he’s saying. Except it was “rob” not “shoot,” so he now says that it’s not the same at all. You don’t rush gunmen if they’re only doing an armed robbery, you sit back and let them work.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Cops always tell you not to try to be a hero. You let the armed robber take his money and go. It’s called managing risk.

        • pstockholm

          Yeah but I don’t think cops tell you to suggest other targets for the robber instead of you.

          • chicken thief

            Especially since Dr Ben likely had more money than what was in the Popeye’s cash register.

          • Thaumaturgist

            We’re talking about not talking about guns.

            When Dr. Ben tells the robber to take his money and go, that’s good talk because the story ends well, even if you’re going to quibble over Dr. Ben’s shoot the other dude approach. Bottom line: nothing Dr. Ben said or did made guns look bad.

            On the Oregon school massacre, it takes a little more work to not talk about the guns. Only way to move the focus off the guns is to point out that the if the supposed victims had been a little more American, they would have stood up to the bad guy. Problem solved. Problem isn’t the guns, it’s the weak-knee undoubtedly privileged college pussies who didn’t have the grit to accept responsibility for their own welfare.

        • A Grumpy Cat

          Not disputing that; I worked night shift at a convenience store for part of college and had to have that drilled into my head because I would irrationally get angry at thieves. (I once chased down and tackled a guy who had stolen a bag of chips and was rightfully yelled at by both the police and my manager, who told me she would fire my ass if I did anything that stupid again. I was a fucking moron at nineteen.)

          I just think it is incredibly fucked up what he claims to have said. Not, “Here’s my wallet.” Not, “The money’s in the cash register over there.” But, “You want that guy”? I get people can be stupid (see above: me being an idiot) and say dumb things when scared, but if he becomes President, what the fuck is he going to do if the United States of Fuck You America threatens to bomb the White House if we don’t [insert idiotic terrorist demand here]? “You don’t want us; you want Canada. Or, you know, the Mexicans.”

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Because, of course, being a brain surgeon, Carson was instantly able to assess the gunman’s intent, and, knowing there would be no shooting, only robbing, he thoughtfully directed the robber to the likeliest source of cash.
        This is kind of a dumb story for a surgeon to expect rational people to swallow.

    • I am somewhat astonished that anyone would tell such a story without embarrassment. It is absolutely the kind of thing I would do in those circumstances, because I am a coward and I don’t want to be shot. But later, I would tell the story in vague terms – “it was all a blur, who knows what I said or did?” – let alone go on national TV with it.

      • HeywoodJablomey

        Because, Gayer Than Thou, you are not A Idiot.
        Or a brane surgeon, I always get those two mixed up these days.

        • Ironically, I mostly am A Idiot, but if we indulge in the fantasy that any of what Dr. Carson is talking about actually happened, then we can indulge in thinking about the alternate reality in which the gunman he directed to the guy behind the counter wound up killing that person. Not sure that would play so well, or that the 15 minutes of fame the doctor is enjoying would have the same tenor.

  • BadKitty904

    So, Uncle Ben’s solution is “Go shoot somebody else”?

    • cousin itt

      The presumptive shooter thought Ben was already dead.

      • Toomush_Infer

        Boy, was he surprised!…

      • Helena Handbag

        brain dead. but still talking. go figure, a medical “miracle”

    • Ryan Denniston

      Exactly. Get back in your car, drive to Eugene and shoot up U of O. It’s only about an hour away.

  • LarkintheAM

    Great demonstration there, Ben, of Christian sacrifice and charity.

  • BadKitty904

    Ben Carson – The Hardest Squawking Chicken-Hawk in Politics…

    • beatbort

      and in Popeye’s, apparently.

  • 24601

    I’m thinking of going to the Burger King organization for lunch..

    • pstockholm

      Don’t think they have ribs, you should be ok.

    • beatbort

      Advice: Wear your “I”m With Ben Carson” bib

  • beatbort

    Let’s back up a bit. I don’t understand a fucking thing about Ben Carson’s alleged standoff in the Popeye’s organization. What’s his point? Don’t shoot me, shoot that guy? How is that brave or even smart? I’m beginning to think that Ben Carson may, in fact, be suffering from early onset Alzheimer’s. Hey, stuff happens…

  • Ryan Denniston

    has anyone asked Carly Fiorina about the security footage?

  • Toomush_Infer

    And now you don’t know…..the rest of the story….

  • Spotts1701

    “That verifies what I’m saying,” he went on to say. “That’s exactly what should be done. And if everybody does that, the likelihood of him being able to kill as many people diminishes quite significantly.”

    Except it didn’t work – the shooter just kept on going. Mr. Mintz is laying in a hospital looking a long period of rehabilitation hoping to one day walk again. And he’s ex-military, who have had the necessary training to run towards the gunfire.
    Expecting 20 or so people to do the same thing is quite the amusing fantasy, except it would probably lead to 20 more dead bodies.

    • Also, and not to put too fine a point on it, how to react in the moment of the gun attack is not a national policy that would reduce the number of such attacks in the first place.

      • HeywoodJablomey

        No shit. Well said.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        THIS. THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS.

  • 24601

    This might work. President Carson can tell our enemies to attack Canada.

    • Ryan Denniston

      No, Canada is where I tell people I’m from when I travel.

      • 24601

        Well, only during the Dubya and Trump presidencies.

    • jmk

      Nah, he’ll point to Mexico.

  • Spotts1701

    Okay, everyone stop! It is now too soon again.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Fuck

    • Ryan Denniston

      Wow, sounds like a fight between students. This is exactly why gun control is important. It’s not that there would not have been a confrontation, it’s that it would likely reduce a confrontation to a non lethal outcome.

      • HeywoodJablomey

        Wrong, this is eggzackly why we need moar guns. Because if someone pisses you off, they deserve to die.

    • Msgr_Moment

      I was never any good at “Red Light; Green Light”.

  • vivian

    Is he crowd sourcing martyrdom to the 2nd Ammomendment?

  • PubOption

    Popeye’s “Lose your shit, fast.”

  • BadKitty904

    Is it odd that I feel less insulted by Carson’s lying than by his lying so poorly?

    • vivian

      We really do expect a better class of liar to run for President. How ever will he keep up with the demands of the job if it takes him this long to do this poorly.

      • 24601

        See also: Jeb!

        • vivian

          (I think that’s why they gave him the “!”)

          • Msgr_Moment

            The “!” is a lie.

      • Doug Langley

        To be fair, Nixon set a pretty high bar.

    • Doug Langley

      To quote Garfield the cat: “His lying to me isn’t half as upsetting as the credit he’s giving my intelligence”.

  • orygoon

    Somebody inhaled way too much aerosolized anesthetic in the surgery suite. And way too much God complex.

    • beatbort

      Either that or he left a sponge inside his brain.

    • BadKitty904

      You may have a point…

  • Ryan Denniston

    How’s that deep bench treating you Reince Priebus?

    https://twitter.com/reince/status/483029582527094785

    • Jeamonn

      Derp bench, Reince…derp bench.

    • beatbort

      The only straw poll where everyone gets the short straw

    • Lizzietish81

      Is that the Group W bench?

      • arglebargle

        They do loves them some implements of destruction.

    • BadKitty904

      They’ve got a deep something, alright…

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Wait, is that Condi Rice upper right corner? Did she decide to run and not tell anybody?

      • Ryan Denniston

        I didn’t notice until now. There must have been a draft Confi movement that no one told us about.

        • jmk

          I vaguely remember them mentioning her as a possible, way back when every day brought two or three announcements from wingnuts about running for president.

          I believe Condi’s response was “nah, bro, I’m good with my football gig.”

      • Jeamonn

        Oh, wow…no shit I didn’t even notice. Is she a write in?

    • DahBoner

      Kindasleezy Rice? We hardly booed ya!

    • Msgr_Moment

      I think they’re all futility infielders.

  • Juan de Fuca

    Imagine being one of Carsons’ neighbors? Armed robber breaks into house, Carson holds up hands and whimpers:
    “Don’t waste your time with us; the guy next door has a stash of cash he keeps in the fake toolbox in his garage. He leaves the back patio window open at night. *wink, wink*”
    “‘Kay,thx. Sorry I bothered ya’ll”
    Street knowledge

  • beatbort

    The Popeye’s Organization is located high atop a distant cloud-draped peak in Peru. This is near the Quickie Mart shrine to which Homer and Apu traveled in order to regain Apu’s job. This makes about as much sense as anything Ben Carson has ever said in public.

  • MrBlobfish

    Who’s the cat that won’t cop out
    When there’s danger all about?

    Ben!
    Right on

    • Cleo_Cat

      As I recall, Ben was a rat.

      • Querolous

        Ben was a bear

        • jmk

          That’s funny… the expression on that bear’s face is eerily similar to an expression that Carson’s face frequently displays.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Seriously, this is the kind of argument we would have had in middle school. “Oh yeah? Well, you want to know what I would of done…?” And even then I looked at my friends and thought: you’re so full of shit.

    • Msgr_Moment

      I would have grabbed the closest SS officer by the right arm, twisted it around his back in a half-nelson, and using his body as a shield, killed every livin’ Nazi in the room, run to the stalag office, made sweet love to the pig-tailed blonde bombshell secretary, Helga I think her name was, but quickly, so that I could call HQ in Berlin and persuade Hitler to step outside just at the moment that the Brits were nightbombing the pus out of Berlin. I’m sick and tired of hearing all these loser veterans of our “greatest generation”. Did any of you punks kill Hitler? Huh? HUH???!!! I’m waiting.

  • Skwerl King

    Well in his defense in my last active shooter response training (yes this is a thing, and it is a shame this is a thing), rushing the shooter to grab his arms is discussed as the very last desperate strategy when you are in a locked room with him (yes him) and you know your odds of survival are nil.

    Basically your response is:

    1) Run
    2) Keep running… are you in a different state yet? – No? Keep running.
    3) Lock yourself inside a room and hide
    4) Are you still hidden? Then don’t move.
    5) Can you squeeze yourself into the overhead or your coworker’s My Little Pony waste paper basket?
    6) If shooter is in room, try not to make a peep or any movement.
    7) If shooter spots you and a group of people huddling in a corner and opens fire then rush him, “Most if not all of you will die, but there may be a chance someone will live. Probably the shooter.”

    As far as using a gun to be a hero: “Law enforcement officers will probably shoot to kill anyone not in uniform with a gun.”

    I get horrifically drunk after every one of these trainings I am required to go to.

    • Msgr_Moment

      May this prove to be the most useless bit of information your employers ever shoved down your throat.

      • Turns out, the anti sexual harassment training was not supposed to be useless information. Who knew?

    • Juan de Fuca

      I get where he is coming from – no, actually I don’t but I do agree with your points, especially number 7. If the situation is a bunch of people cornered in a room, a relatively good response should be a planned or practiced response to attack with whatever is available, just like we were trained to repel an ambush in the military by literally rushing into or past it. But nobody knows how they will respond until the moment they actually have to do it and even then – most are going to get killed or seriously injured, especially with large capacity magazines.

      The fact we are even talking about this type of training in schools or office environments says a lot about our culture though and that’s what needs to change – how fucked up is our culture that this type of training is a thing now?

      One thing that I’m pretty sure of, given his own admission about how he handled the Popeye’s incident is that Ben Carson is likely the last guy who is going to be leading the charge in an active shooter incident.

      • Skwerl King

        Amen. — Basically the attitude here is that it is just a matter of time until such an attack will happen. This says a lot about our culture.

      • I don’t know that much about guns, because ghey and liebrul, but I get the impression the shooter was using one of those guns that shoots a lot of bullets very quickly and all at once. I feel like it would be hard to work out any kind of response under those circumstances. Dr. Carson seems to think we’re talking about gunmen using revolvers who only put one bullet in the gun at a time and keep their spare bullets zipped up in their backpacks.

        • Juan de Fuca

          Exactly and that is where Carson gets it wrong; the shooter already has the element of surprise and with large capacity magazines and semi-auto weapons, it’s not going to end well. The first person to stand up and yell “Hey guys! Let’s roll!” is getting shot. Even in the ambush scenario with the military, we are talking about troops who are on patrol and are expecting an ambush (because one should always expect an ambush whilst on patrol, yolo). The last thing that is, or at least should be, on the minds of students attending class is the possibility of an ambush in class.

          • Also, too – sometimes these attacks will happen to groups of people who match the shooter for size and strength (assuming they live long enough to actually make contact with the shooter), but sometimes they will happen to groups of first and second graders who, among other things, are not likely to be able to easily take down a grown man.

          • Juan de Fuca

            Well stated bro. Very good point re. young school kids such as the Sandy Hook murders. I’ve only been back stateside for a few years after retiring from active duty but I swear to god there isn’t a day that goes by when I don’t think about a move up North or across the Pacific. I love this nation as much as anyone (we’ve got a truly beautiful country) but it’s batshit crazy over here, especially after spending 12 out of the past 20 years overseas. Too many people are in this thing for themselves here.

          • starfanglednut

            :(

          • Vienna Woods

            I can’t find the link, but I recall some unmitigated asshole suggesting after Sandy Hook that that strategy be taught to elementary students.

    • Msmlg1979

      Yeah, I was thinking these mass shootings could go down a plethora of different ways and maybe Carson’s brilliant “rush ’em” strategy might not be possible in all of them, even if several people could overcome the instinct to flee death. It seems like the shootings happen fast and usually involve the element of surprise which makes it harder to plan a counter attack. I see myself going with running and/or hiding, but what do I know? I’m no brain surgeon.

    • orygoon

      They’re having a round of those again where I work, though I’m not required to go and I won’t. But a co-worker gave me the digest. I looked down at the keys on my ID lanyard. We have some lovely lockable rooms. So I dash in one and lock the door, right? What about all the other people that want to get in? I think I want to let them in, too, unless they are Ben Carson.

    • HeywoodJablomey

      We were told that everyone in class should pelt the shooter with textbooks before getting shot : /

    • Vienna Woods

      I will have to go through this a couple more times before I retire in June. And each time, before we do it, I tell my class about when I was 14 and a guy walked into my high school with a gun, killed 2 people, injured 11, and then turned the gun on himself. I spent 2 hours locked in the gym change room with the rest of my class and seriously stupid gym teacher. I have great difficulty during those drills.

      shorter version: Fuck Ben Carson and the elephant he rode in on.

  • geoffalnutt

    Well, that’s mighty big of ol’ Ben – to transplant his own damn brain…in exchange for one from dying…turnip. I’m at a loss.

  • jesuswasablack

    ‘I believe that you want the guy behind the counter.’”
    This niggars crazy!

    • vivian

      “I say, Good Sir, have you any Grey Poupon?”

      • Jeamonn

        ” and while I was ordering my delicious poultry, a scalawag approached and I exclaimed, ‘ My goodness, a highway man!’ Well, I simply looked at the gentleman and I said, ‘ I believe you want the guy behind the counter.’ It gave me a quite a fright.”

        • Msmlg1979

          Hahahaaa!!!!

        • edith prickly

          FTW.

  • Thanks, buh-buh-Ben – when we need a President with good hand-eye coordination, we’ll call you.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Only a good guy with a scalpel can stop…. Oh, wait. The guy had a gun.

  • “Love That Chicken at Popeye’s Organization!”

  • Ryan Denniston

    Oh, I get Ben’s strategy now. The idea is when there’s a big group of people, everyone will point at everyone else, and the shooter will get confused (or annoyed, depending on your taste in comedy).

  • LarkintheAM

    Well, he’s certainly shown himself to be a true conservative – absolutely no fucks to give concerning other people’s lives. He’ ll make a great secretary of war defense.

    • Msgr_Moment

      And Carly Fiorina for Directrix of Minitruth.

  • Indiepalin

    And this doesn’t even count the time Carson was mugged at the watermelon stand.

    • Msgr_Moment

      “Does Obama even know what a watermelon is?” — Rupert Murdoch

      • chicken thief

        Does Kenya even have watermelons?

    • Doug Langley

      “I believe you want that watermelon over there.”

  • DahBoner

    The Republican stra-turd-gery of shitting on the victim continues….

    https://media2.giphy.com/media/AkGNTfqqx3kwU/200w_d.gif

  • george gonzalez

    Popeye’s?

    I went in there once. The smell of expired hot grease hit me and I turned right around and never went back. You’d think a surgeon would choose a place a bit more sanitary smelling.

    • Miss Dill

      He apparently mistook it for corporate HQ.

  • Lefty Frizzell

    It seems like he’s saying that when he disagrees with someone it’s merely because he’s pointing out what the only sensible solution is, but when anyone disagrees with him they are merely the tools of a culture that draws battle lines.

    Everybody listen to ME! You’re all out to get ME! What a whiny, self-serving, pussy philosophy! GTFO Carson.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Today’s news (or not-really-news):
    An 18-year-old college student was taken into police custody after he
    shot four people, killing one, in a confrontation near a residence hall
    at Northern Arizona University in Flagstaff early Friday morning,
    university officials said.

    • orygoon

      Stuff, it just keeps happening.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Don’t politicize this. It’s too soon. Ug.

  • chicken thief

    Well, ya, Ben?! MacGuyver, or mah main Louie Gohmert because he’s a motherfucking badass also too, would have taken the comb from his back pocker, bit off the tines real quick and gnawed it into a shiv and threw it ninja star like across the room slashing the shooters jugular.

    All before the other people nearby even noticed the gun.

    • MrBlobfish

      Oh yeah? Carly disarmed a bomb with her toes. While bound to a ICBM. In North Korea.

      • vivian

        …and BillO was there to report it.

      • Doug Langley

        Why would anyone tie Carly to a rocket?

        Oh, right. Stupid question.

  • Shibusa

    Maybe students could just be armed with t-shirts that say

    “I believe that you want that guy ☞ “

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    The one time I ever encountered an armed person (assaulting a guy at a pay phone at a convenience store), I am now proud to report, I was much braver (not by choice–it just happened) than Ben Carson.

    I walked right past the guy pistol whipping the other guy, into the store and told them to call the police (and only later realized I could have been shot) before the first shot rang out.

    Had my 15 seconds of fame on the local news over that one. Which sucked because the police had made me stay around for about an hour, and I had plans.

    So under duress, I will at least go get help automagically without thinking it through. I won’t say “get the other guy”.

    You can learn a lot about yourself and others by how they respond to these things.

  • chicken thief

    Speaking of the shooting in Oregon, our Prez is visiting there today, right? Anyone know if he is meeting with Chris Mintz?

    • vivian

      …starting the war on Chris Mintz?*

      *(I just had to, sorry. Btw I think Mintz is a level of awesome I could never achieve, so no knock against him intended.)

  • Skwerl King

    So Ben, can we get the location and approximate date of this Popeye’s incident so we can pull a police report? Or did the police decide not to write a report on this armed robbery?

    • GDleftyPart2

      That’s the first thing I wanted to see but shock of shocks, no journalist has yet been able to produce it for review.
      I’m starting to think the good doc is full of shit. Again.

    • Billy Croissant

      Unfortunately, this incident happened in the Falklands so there was no police report. But just ask Bill O’Reilly, he was totally there.

      • Doug Langley

        Or maybe he saw a picture of a Popeye’s . . . so hard to tell.

    • the_steamer

      This happens so often it would take a select committee to pour through all the possible incidents to find the one he is speaking of. But guns aren’t the problem.

  • 24601
    • Skwerl King

      ^ The thing is this is probably an off duty employee looking for a rag.

  • DahBoner

    I have had a gun held on me when I was in a Popeye’s organization

    https://media3.giphy.com/media/12FsqCpgaoW4oM/200w_d.gif

  • Doug Langley

    Breaking news!! We have the surveillance tapes of the heroic encounter:

    http://crooksandliars.com/2015/10/daily-show-obtains-surveillance-footage

  • Msmlg1979

    The poor man can’t even get a two-piece and a biscuit without having to correct someone.

  • middleclassman1

    I’m only a rich doctor I think you want to assault that young man making minimum wage behind the counter.

  • proudgrampa

    Fuck this guy. I am tired of listening to him.

  • MrBlobfish

    Now I have to go to Popeye’s Organization for lunch. And you can bet I’m gonna be a total badass when the guy with the gun walks in.

    • Me not sure

      Popeye’s Organization? Who the fuck talks like that! It’s a fried chicken joint! (good red beans and rice though)

      • Doug Langley

        It’s what you get when you mix fast food with The Godfather. It becomes . . . THE ORGANIZATION.

        • Me not sure

          Waking up with a chicken head in the bed just doesn’t ring as true to me

      • HeywoodJablomey

        “Fried chicken” = too blah.

      • BeliTsari

        People who swiped their patient’s meds… before, during and after their brain surgery?

        Everybody KNOWS, it’s “The Popeye Organamization!” http://static.comicvine.com/uploads/original/11115/111152067/4234393-5180747141-popey.gif

        • Me not sure

          Prezactically!

          • BeliTsari

            Some desire great wealth, spectacular sexual conquests or the respect of peers.
            All I’ve EVER wanted was Popeye’s ability to mumble to himself at 85dB about nothing? One petty little fucking favor, Lord… but NOOOOOOOOOOoooooooo..
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sz9KBP6u8e8

          • Me not sure

            Jack Mercer did all those mumbles. A great voice talent in cartoons.

    • Skwerl King

      Get the mac and cheese.

  • Sgt. Gym Bunny

    Hmmm… From our required “Active Shooter” training session we had yesterday at my campus, it was stressed to us that upon realizing a crazy shooter person is about, the first thing we should do is RUN. They (or the SWAT guy guest speaker, that is) didn’t say “Team up and try to the rush the guy!”. Well, they did say that, but only when running and hiding is no longer an option and getting shot is probably the likely outcome even if you do put up a fight.

  • Spurning Beer

    If I’m not mistaken, “the Popeye’s organization” is the Merchant Marine. Ack ack ack ack ack ack.

    • edith prickly

      I’m strong till the finich, coz I eats me spinach…

    • AnOuthouse

      Maybe that wasn’t a gun some one poked him with.

  • HeywoodJablomey

    You go, Uncle Ben! It’s just like that story in the Bibble when the thugs came to crucify Jesus, he pointed into the crowd and told ’em, “Naw mang, you want that guy”.

  • Anarchy Pony

    I think that old description of Newt Gingrich applies pretty well to Ben too; An idiot’s idea of what a smart person is.

  • Relativicus

    Collectively I’d say the problem corrects itself when Dr. Ben Carson is no longer a candidate for the presidency.

    As for his “bum-rush the bum” theory to armed stand-offs, I never read it as an insult to the victims. It just sounded a) like typical conservative Bullshit Bravado, made in typical fashion (i.e. without thought or consideration) and z) I think the reaction to that statement overshadowed, then buried, the comment that deserves a ton more ire. That is, when he said that there’s no pile of bullet-riddled bodies that’s more offensive to him than regulating firearm ownership.

    And I am just blown away that the “you want that guy” comment has received barely any attention, particularly in light of his Bullshit Bravado. But that fact further strengthens my opinion that his popularity is based solely on his sleepy demeanor, which appears to soothe people so much that they just ignore practically everything that comes out of his mouth. Almost daily he says something so whacko-bird it causes Louie Gohmert to think “Why didn’t I think of that? Stupid, stupid, stupid, Louie! Get it together, man!” Yet, not only is he the #2 guy, but when people actually do discuss the things he says its in glowing terms.

    Two-year-long presidential campaigns suck. Please let’s hurry up and get to the 2016 election so we can start focusing on the 2018 midterms.

  • JohnR

    Well at least Carson’s conservative qualifications are solid. Tone deaf, check, callous towards the victims, check, selfish, check, inability to tell apples from oranges, check.

  • AnOuthouse

    I suggested we ban all guns. Why is Ben Carson drawing battle lines? Heaven to Betsy why can’t he just agree with so we can solve this problem together?

  • When asked if he’d ever seen a ghost Carson replied “Well, there was an incident at a historically significant but dilapidated Victorian mansion. I had reason to visit said property one evening during a period of intense meteorological activity. Upon encountering what I believed at the time to be a specter I inquired of my feet why they stubbornly remained inactive. I then proceeded to the egress in what some may consider an amusingly accelerated manner.”

    • bobbert

      “Pedal appendages, do not refuse to perform for me at this time”.

  • JParkerSD46

    Question for Dr. Carson. Yes. Sir, while at the Popeye’s organization in question, you referred the gun holder to an employee of said organization. In retrospect and in view of your recent comments, do you think you would have been better off by gathering other patrons and rushing the assailant or were you justified in directing the assailant to the employee because no one was being shot and/or killed? And a follow-up question, please. Sir, are you insane or totally bat-shit crazy?

  • eddi
  • AnOuthouse

    Well, you’re livin’ on the street,
    Cravin’ something hot
    It’s simmerin’ in a dumpster
    Back by Popeye’s parking lot

    Smell the rich aroma,
    It’s a fragrance to entice
    Dirty deep fried chicken
    And dirty dirty rice

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IB1sNNcC-dE

  • A Bashful Nobody

    Can you imagine this idiot rummaging around in your brain?

    • orygoon

      Can you imagine this idiot as POTUS?

  • btwbfdimho

    Carson is also a founding member of the NGO named “Doctors Without Diplomas”.

    • BeliTsari

      Ron Paul wouldn’t let him use his Xerox to print some up? Don’t THAT just figure!

      • Wombat

        And encourage a culture of dependency? Are you insane?

    • Hardly Ideal

      Médecins Sans Diplôme… I like it.

  • andyshelt

    Roman Soldiers: “Where’s Spartacus?”
    Guy 1: “I’m Spartacus”
    Guy 2: “No, I’m Spartacus”
    Ben: “That’s Spartacus over there. Need any help with the nails!!”

  • Mavenmaven

    Ben Carson, ok, he’s an idiot, but one would at least expect Ben Shapiro to know some Jewish history, even a little: http://www.dailywire.com/news/337/evil-media-rip-carson-say-jews-didnt-need-guns-ben-shapiro

    • Zippy

      good lord he’s a fucking idiot

      (BOT,K)

    • HeywoodJablomey

      Yeah, because an armed Jewish citizenry > the French and Polish armies.
      It probably would have saved them all a trip to a Nazi death camp, though. So there’s that.

  • Truly Madly Derply

    What a Bonafide® chickenshit.

  • I tried to reconcile what he said about Popeye’s and what he’s said about the Oregon shooting, but then smoke started coming out of my ears so I figured I better stop.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    A Popeye’s Organization = La popeye nostra, a ruthless criminal organization responsible for nearly 90% of all organized attacks on spinach delivery trucks.

  • Uncle Ben would sellout his own mother.

  • zanzibar_buckbuck_mcfate

    Ugh, he sounds like a friend’s grumpy, self-righteous, and not-that-bright Dad.

  • Ellen

    Any chance Carson was going for the “I, A Black Man, was mistaken for The Help” sympathy response? And is now wondering why that didn’t work?

  • Marie Watkins Crocker

    I found Carson’s giggling to be the most disturbing bit in a very disturbing thing. He also doesn’t know what the debt ceiling is, too…

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I estimate that about 90% of Americans don’t know what the debt ceiling is, either. Not to let Ben off the hook, though. Somebody who is running for President should know this and many other things, besides.

  • Spurning Beer

    “Uh, that’s not my ribs, man.”

  • kaw143

    Yeah, why do people insist on politicizing the political words that come out of poor, misunderstood Ben Carson’s mouth?

  • Tansy Geek

    What we need to do is ” collectively figure out” why Ben Carson is still running for President.

  • Bitter Scribe

    I’d be happy if Ben Carson, Mark Steyn and John Derbyshire (all of whom have given the same idiotic advice) would rush the next gunman.

    • TheBidenator

      That’s a good strategery, after the gunman fell down on the floor in convulsive laughter from those three turds someone like Chris Mintz could actually disarm him…

  • Gleem-McShinez

    The real question is, since when did Popeye’s start serving ribs?!

    • Gleem-McShinez

      *SPLAT*

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    I’m beginning to think Dr Carson has some type of brain eating parasite or something. For a black man to make it through medical school and become a respected Neurosurgeon requires some general intelligence (other than specialized neurosurgery smarts) and he is about as stupid as you can get without being in a coma.

    • Amy!

      I was thinking that the one good thing Ben Carson’s candidacy has done is to encourage kids to aspire to the medical profession. For years, people have said things like “It doesn’t take a brain surgeon!” as a way of underlining the intelligence of medical doctors. Now, in contrast, there must be thousands of ten year olds out there listening to Ben Carson interviews and thinking “Huh! I’m smarter than that guy! I could be a doctor! If he could do it, it don’t need smarts!”

  • David Tønnessen

    Wow. This is the most messed up site ever. “Ben Carson continues his hilarious winning strategy of telling America that the victims of last week’s massacre were a bunch of pussies, because who in their right mind gets shot? That’s so lame.Read more at http://wonkette.com/594687/ben-carson-beated-up-a-robber-one-time-with-his-brain#F5IE7ipiFqDrOfxo.99” Painting this honest, calm, rational candidate as a taunting childish moron despite the many calm and logical explanations he gave about his comments in multiple interviews? This is overdoing it. I knew there was bias in this world, but not at this hateful and dishonest level. And what’s scarier is that after looking at the comments, people are actually falling for it!

    • CripesAmighty

      While we’re prognosticating : Today’s leading candidate for a Dear Shitferbrains entry is…

    • DsMTwoShoes

      Honest, calm, rational?
      Carson has a form of Savant Syndrome. Where the affected possess an astonishing level of ability in a highly confined discipline. The parameters of which are definitive.
      Out side of his field of ability he possess an extremely high level of social skills (now bear in mind the ability to maintain eye contact is considered a sophisticated social skill for a Savant).
      Ben Carson is living proof of the gullibility of the average American and the demise of our once vaulted 4th Estate.

      • David Tønnessen

        You’re living proof of the gullibility of Americans. If you actually look at his interviews you’ll find much different answers. Even if you don’t agree with what he says, there’s no need frame him as an insane lunatic with savant syndrome.

        • DsMTwoShoes

          “Insane lunatic” when applied to Carson would be an understatement!
          I sat and listened to Carson ramble on for 45 minutes.
          The man is crazy not anymore more so than the people who actually believe he is saying something profound.
          The man opens his mouth and presents legal grounds for involuntary commitment to an asylum.
          Earth is 6000 years old!
          Gun control was directly responsible for the murder of six million Jews!
          Don’t shoot me. Shoot the guy behind the counter!
          When confronted with a nut with a gun. Everybody rush him, he can’t hit us all!
          Teachers should be armed to protect their students!
          I could go on for hours with Carson bullshit! Carson has a fo of Savant Syndrome combined with highly developed social skills, for a Savant that is!

          • John Knoefler

            “Gun control was directly responsible for the murder of six million Jews!

            Hitler and his government were directly responsible. How they accomplished the job and made it easier is a matter of history. Confiscating weapons was just one tool they used to disarm the Jewish population and make them easy to control. Propaganda and deception were another tool used to first marginalize them, discredit them as evil and then deceive them into thinking things were going to be all right up until they stepped into the “showers”.

            “Don’t shoot me. Shoot the guy behind the counter!”

            Well, they do have the money.

            “When confronted with a nut with a gun. Everybody rush him, he can’t hit us all!”

            This tactic was used to avert one plane on 9-11 so that the passengers forced them to crash the plane. And yes, rushing armed attackers does work and will save lives. Just not all the lives. That’s why those who do it are called heroes. They literally are giving up their lives to save others.

            “Teachers should be armed to protect their students!”

            Palestinians in Israel targeted schools so frequently with mass killings that the government did institute a program of armed teachers and armed security. So yes, it does work. Ask an Israeli. All students in Israel are protected. Not all teachers are armed of course except in high risk areas. But almost all schools have an armed guard present.

            “I could go on for hours with Carson bullshit! Carson has a fo of Savant Syndrome combined with highly developed social skills, for a Savant that is!”

            Unluckily for you I am sure you could go on for hours with your bullshit. Too bad you don’t have any savant to go with that bullshit. So you are just a dumbass bullshitter.

    • jmk

      You must be fucking kidding me. This is not a “rational” candidate – this is an idiot who has demonstrated that he knows nothing about science, foreign policy, or the Constitution of the country he wants to govern, and who has, on different occasions, advocated extra-judicial killings on our borders, suggested arming everyone in the middle east and letting them shoot it out, and called the victims of a mass shooting pussies.

      You may be fooled by all the times he’s had to walk back his stupid-ass comments in subsequent interviews, but those of us on here know one real truth about him…

      …he is A Idiot.

      • David Tønnessen

        If you actually look at his interviews and watch his speeches without twisting his words and politicizing everything you might not be this dishonest. He defended his comments on the mass shooting multiple times, and not once did he say that they were pussies. Goodness.

        • Juan de Fuca

          You’re funny, because one of the victims in the Oregon shooting actually does believe that Ben was referring to him and the other victims as “pussies”:

          Washington (CNN) An 18-year-old who survived the classroom shooting at Umpqua Community College on Wednesday criticized Ben Carson’s comment that the shooting victims could have attacked the gunman.

          “I’m fairly upset he said that. Nobody could truly understand what actions they would take like that in a situation unless they lived it,” Mathew Downing told CNN via Facebook.

          Downing was referred to by the shooter as “the lucky one,” during the deadly attack last Thursday. After shooting three people, the gunman paused, turned to Downing and said, “You, with the glasses, you’re the lucky one. If you give this envelope to police, you’ll live.”

          Downing was then forced to go to the back of the classroom and watch his classmates get executed.

          Carson, a Republican presidential candidate, said on Fox News after the shooting in Oregon that he would’ve done more to prevent the gunman from going on a killing spree.

          “Not only would I probably not cooperate with him, I would not just stand there and let him shoot me,” Carson said. “I would say, ‘Hey guys, everybody attack him. He may shoot me, but he can’t get us all.'”

          http://www.cnn.com/2015/10/07/politics/oregon-shooting-ben-carson-survivor/

          Yet when faced with his own admitted active shooter/robber situation he told the guy – “I’m not the one you’re after…it’s that guy over there.” It’s true that active shooter and armed robbery situations are two very different scenarios but only a punk tells the armed person in either situation to target someone else. He’s a pussy.

    • Brendan_M

      People think stupid assholes are stupid assholes, weird!

    • doktorzoom

      User has been kissed gently by the Banhammer of Loving Correction (™ and ® John Scalzi), but initial comment left for further mocking.

  • Sheesko

    Neurosurgeonthink. It’s so drop-dead funny.

  • CripesAmighty

    I assume somebody’s posted the ‘brave Sir Robin’ clip. I’m too tired to post it and too lazy to scroll through to find out.

  • Christopher Robinhood

    True funny story, it turns out the guy ‘sticking a gun in his ribs’ was just a rather tall fellow who’d been aroused by a tad too much car sexytime and a toke or two ‘prior ad farinum tempus’ accidently bumped into him in line.

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