Marco Rubio Says You Can Use Parts From Dead Babies, But Only When God Kills 'Em

Florida Sen. Marco Rubio ( R-Serious Presidential Candidate, Allegedly ) is so done being a senator. That's why he's stopped showing up for work to vote on legislation, even the bills he says he really cares about. He's over it, man, and besides, he's too busy running for president to do his actual job, for which he is paid by the taxpayers, you're welcome, Rubio. So even though his Senate colleagues are all het up about trying to defund Planned Parenthood (which is not going to happen, as they all know, so they're just wasting everyone's time AGAIN), Rubio hasn't bothered to do his homework on the subject. Also, homework is for dumb loser dorks, not dumb jocks, and he'd rather throw a footballat some kid's face anyway.

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So in a recent interview with Iowa station KCCI, Rubio tried to act like he did the reading on Planned Parenthood and how it's supposedly posting hot baby parts for sale on Craigslist. ( It isn't. True story. ) But nope, he did not prepare for the test, so instead, he let a bunch of stupid dribble out of his mouth and down his chin:

And so what I've argued is, let's take the money that Planned Parenthood gets, let's not cut a penny, and let's take it from Planned Parenthood, and give it to federally qualified health centers across this country, who provide services to women, women's health services, but do not provide abortions.

Can Rubio name a specific federally qualified women's healthcare provider? Nope, but we can! It is called Planned Parenthood, and it services millions of women and their boyfriends every year, with healthcare. Oh, but Rubio only likes the centers that don't do abortions. Can he name one? Nope, but we can! It is called Planned Parenthood, where abortion is a tiny percentage of what it provides, and many of its clinics -- including all the ones in Louisiana, for example -- do not even perform abortions at all. So, case settled then? Nope, because Rubio is not done stupiding quite yet.

There is a strong bipartisan consensus in America that taxpayer money should not be used to fund abortion. And in the case of Planned Parenthood, number one, it's very unclear how all that money's intermingled, and number two, they have now been exposed for being involved in the trafficking of fetal human tissue, for profit.

Sure, except for number one, there is strong bipartisan consensus that in America that taxpayer money should  fund Planned Parenthood. Not just women's healthcare, although that too (sorry, Jeb, bad news for you), but specifically, Planned motherfrickin' Parenthood. Specifically. 

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Oh, there is also consensus of the bipartisan type that presidential candidates who want to defund Planned Parenthood can suck it and are less appealing to voters because everyone loves Planned Parenthood. And they love it a whole lot harder than any of the Republican doofuses running for president, which is all of them. NO ONE COULD HAVE IMAGINED (except for everyone who is smarter than your average Republican politician because, like how we said, EVERYONE LOVES PLANNED PARENTHOOD).

Also, number two, Planned Parenthood has  not been exposed for being involved in anything except providing healthcare, including abortion services, which is legal. If Rubio had done his homework instead of trying to cram the CliffsNotes version into his soft puddle of a brain on his way to the interview, or trying to crib off Carly Fiorina, who hasn't done her homework either, he'd know that.

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But what about all the diseases that can be treated or cured, thanks to fetal tissue research? Isn't Rubio glad we developed a vaccine to end polio? Wouldn't he like to see a cure for cancer? Sure, and he's got a real sharp answer for that:

There are cases where a child is miscarried or some other natural end to a pregnancy, and in those cases, if there's something that can be salvaged from it, that could help someone else, no different than organ donation, or unfortunately someone who's young and healthy dies in a car accident and -- I've had a relative who died an untimely death, and his organs were harvested and helped save people and provide organs for them.

So if a woman happens to have a miscarriage at home, in a sterile environment, where she can immediately summon a professional to harvest the organs while they are still viable, that's different. That's OK. Also, if women can discover some other natural end to a pregnancy that is not a miscarriage? Yup, Rubio's cool with that too. (Hey, he never said he was a scientist, man. )

But allowing women to donate their aborted fetuses to medical research? That is NOT OK, says Rubio:

Because now what you've done is you've created an industry. Now what you've done is you've created an incentive for people to be pushed into abortions, so that those tissues can be harvested and sold for a profit.

Does that sound like a stretch to you? It sure does to the dude who's interviewing Rubio. He asks, "Don't you think that's a stretch, pushing people into abortion?"

But nope, Rubio absolutely believes this is a thing:

If you go to one of these centers, young women are provided very few options. In many places, they're not told anything about, for example, adoption services that might be available to them, the idea that, in essence -- you come in, and it's already predetermined, this is the direction, this is what this place does. It provides abortions, and we are going to channel you in that direction.

Wow, we didn't know Rubio had spent time in multiple Planned Parenthood clinics, sitting in on conversations between patients and their doctors. We also didn't know that when a woman is faced with an unwanted pregnancy, there is an all-you-can-eat buffet of options for her, especially if, per Rubio and his Republican colleagues, clinics should not even be allowed to say the word "abortion." Why, there's having the baby, and there's ... uh ... having the baby! So many options! But Planned Parenthood probably doesn't even tell pregnant patients they are allowed to have the baby if they want to have the baby. Because of all those imaginary billions of dollars it is secretly raking in, by churning out murdered baby parts to sell on the black market to the highest bidder for its nefarious greedy goals of JESUS DISCOING CHRIST ON THE DANCE FLOOR, IT'S SO STUPID, WE CAN'T EVEN FINISH THE THOUGHT.

So let us explain. No, that'll take too long, let us sum up. Marco Rubio is A Idiot, he has no idea what he's talking about, he should not open his mouth and let words fall out of it when they are not even remotely related to science facts, because of how he has told us he does not understand science at all, MAN. Plus, anyway, in addition and besides, Marco Rubio is not going to be president, so he'll be out of work soon, and then we won't have to drown in the floods of hot wet stupid from his face, thank God.

[ h/t Bloomberg ]