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Guess what she can see now
Let’s not fuck around. Here is Sarah Palin, speaking at a Tea Party rally in Washington DC on Wednesday, in opposition to the deal with Iran. Or Eye-ran, if you prefer, as she does. We won’t bother with lengthy preambles written in our favorite language of Palinese. We’ll just get right to it, all of Sarah’s drunken and drugged words, offered in full, with some very light annotations.

Behold, America, the former half-term governor who was this close to the vice presidency:

Thank you. Man, I never thought I’d say it, but I think you all are a lot tougher than Alaskans, being able to be out here. I’m roastin’! I’m meltin’! I’ve always said, though, sweat is my sanity, so as I sweat, let’s bring some SANITY to this discussion about this insane “treaty” that’s in front of Congress.

Sorry, we probably should have warned you about that graphic imagery of Sarah Palin sweating out her sanity. Oh well.

Thank you for being here and raising a voice of sanity. For gathering to uphold the promise that was made — that promise: never again. And thank you for gathering, as we can because we are still a free people, and if you love that freedom, thank a vet. We thank you.

Oh, and uh, you know, since our president won’t say it — since he still hasn’t called off the DOGS — we’ll say it. Police officers and first responders all across this great land: We got your back! We salute you! Thank you, police officers!

We don’t know which DOGS she means. We could guess. We won’t. But we could.

OK, of course Obama still is insane to anyone but Iranian regime sympathizers. His betrayal of U.S. hostages, he left them behind. His betrayal of America, he has strengthened our enemy. The whole premise of this thing, it’s wrong. We’re negotiating with the braggadocious number one state sponsor of terrorism?

Braggadocious. That’s an awful big word for A Idiot.

Obama never even clenched a fist against a wicked regime where anti-Semitism and Holocaust denial is official ideology, and with state-sanctioned torture and killing of women just because they’re women, well, stoning, amputation — those things that are just national policy. And what has changed? Nothing’s really changed, except Hillary Clinton, back then, she insisted that Eye-ran is seeking nukes but now she says, “Eh, that’s OK.” She spins faster than one of those THOUSANDS of Eye-ranian centrifuges.

Fun fact: Those thousands of centrifuges were acquired under the Bush-Cheney administration, though Dick Cheney insisted just last weekend that it was Obama’s fault. Somehow.

The blood of U.S. soldiers is on the ayatollah’s hands, and we dare shake that hand in negotiations. Our sons and daughters sacrificed — in Iraq, still, in Iraq — and they’re there to disempower the extremists in their neighboring crazy land, Eye-ran.

Yet the white flag was waved at the table, in these negotiations, because Obama had a squishy objective to start with, instead of our solid rock objective to put America first.

Hey, you guys, remember in 2012? Remember in 2012, when Joe Biden told everybody, “Our president, he carries a BIG stick, I promise it’s a BIG stick.” Well, little did we know he was talkin’ about Obama’s selfie stick.

“Big stick.” We get it. Dick jokes. Good stuff. But then, she’s always been classy as fuck, yo. Perhaps Sarah Palin would like to try quitting a writing gig for Yr Wonkette.

So, it’s up to us to tell the enemy, “We win, you lose.” Just like Ronald Reagan would have told them, because ya gotta think about, again, the premise of this.

Sure, but first we gotta think about how Ronald Reagan didn’t exactly say “We win, you lose” so much as secretly negotiate the sale of weapons to Iran, while it was holding Americans hostage. Potayto potahto, apparently. But please proceed, Governor: St. Reagan never talked to our enemies

Why did we ever get to that point of suppin’ with Sharia? It’s because Eye-ran was dirty dealing. They were bad actors already accused of hiding their secret nuclear weapons work in their secret facility. Well, we just codified, we left on the table now, their ability to hide their secret nuke work in their very same secret facility. They’re allowed the number one thing that wasn’t negotiable, and that’s unannounced inspections.

But now — remember, the enemy comes to kill, still, and destroy. But now they’re gonna inspect themselves? Oh, what could go wrong with that? Yeah, don’t call us, we’ll call you, they say, and that’s really good because Obama is standing by, with his mighty phone and his mighty pen, in case they stretch the truth a little, and they start droppin’ bombs.

And here’s the part where the acid kicks in:

No, only in an Orwellian Obama world, full of sprinkly fairy dust blown from atop his unicorn, as he’s peeking through a really pretty pink kaleidoscope, would he ever see victory or safety for America or Israel in this treaty.

This treaty will not bring peace. You don’t reward terrorism! YOU KILL IT!

Acid, it turns out, does not mix well with vodka:

You don’t lift sanctions, you crack down on their assets. You cut off their oil and drill, baby, drill for our own! We don’t retreat, we reload, and yes, any foe daring to test us — and that is what Eye-ran just did. They tested us. So Congress, ya gotta kill the deal. The president is playin’ ya, Congress. Again. He so disrespects you, Congress, and our Constitution, that he won’t even bring the treaty to you, wholly. You can’t, this time, Congress. Gotta pass it to see what’s in it. Not this time.

The president doesn’t trust you, and he doesn’t trust us. He doesn’t trust Americans to even change our own light bulb of our own choosing.

It’s not as if Congress has given the president any reason not to trust — oh wait. There was that open letter to Iran’s leaders, signed by almost every single Republican senator, explaining how Obama is not really the president in any official capacity, and should therefore be ignored until a better, realer Republican president is elected. There was that.

And yet, he’ll trust a death cult, boasting of its pals, Russia’s — increased dominance of the world’s uranium supply that needed for the nukes. And that has been made worse, thanks to us gifting our uranium production capability, and that’s a mistake, thanks a lot, Hillary Clinton. It’s a mistake SO ENORMOUS, on such a grand crony capitalism scale, that I can only compare its enormity to Alaska’s Mount McKinley. It’s that size.

We are old enough to remember when Sarah Palin referred to Mount McKinley by its original native name, Denali. It wasn’t that long ago, actually. Around the same time it was her Secret Service code name. Ah, but that was before saying “Mount McKinley” was a dig at President Obama, sort of like how Bible-humpers love to scream “UNDER GOD!” when they recite the Pledge of Allegiance, to mean, essentially, “FUCK YOU!”

So up there in Alaska, across the way, Russia — you know, there’s a name for this taking advantage of America, there’s a Russian name for that. And it’s called “fortochka.” And that mean’s “Obama’s window of opportunity.”

Yeah, that’s not what that word actually means. But also too, didn’t Palin say, just the other day, that if you’re in America, you should “speak American”? And that we shouldn’t even bother learning other languages because in high school, she studied French and Spanish and she “got them all mixed up.” Maybe she’s thinking of a Spanish phrase for “Obama’s window of opportunity.” Languages is hard and confusing when they’re not the American kind.

So as Obama leads from behind — the skirt of his right-hand man, Valerie Jarrett, then it’s up to Congress to close that window. He may propose, you dispose, Congress. You gotta be in it to win it because we want peace, with unapologetic mighty red, white, and blue, we’ll have peace.

Yeah, no idea what that means. Sorry.

Because war is hell. Yet, as in all other things, this administration loves conflict so much, that they’ll take pressure off the bad guys that reward bad behavior — yeah, that’s an Obama world, with borders wide open, IRS harassing, servers a-wipin’ — where his bad actors are rewarded, while a Christian clerk goes to jail.

Naturally, the crowd is quite thrilled with this, Palin’s crescendo of rightwing bingo. Even though she forgot to say Benghazi.

So the call to action, friends, is take action. Do not play small, it does us no good to play small, that’s not why you were created, and we have not enough time to play small. You be empowered, and render a biased lapdog media powerLESS.

Hey, media! They’re on to ya. Your role is played out and you’re relegated to the ash heap of history, so look around, friends, you’re not alone. There are more of us than there are of them. Take action, and don’t let your prayin’ knees get lazy.

We’re not going to touch the lazy prayin’ knees or wonder how Sarah keeps hers in such good shape. Nope, not touching that one.

God bless you, God bless ISRAEL. God bless the United States of America.

God bless Israel, then America? In that order? What happened to our solid rock objective of putting America first? Oh, no matter.

We won’t conclude with any pithy LOL witticisms. We’ll just end by pointing out that Glenn Beck — you know, too crazy for Fox News, actual broken brain Glenn Beck — declared on Thursday that even he has had enough of her:

“I don’t care what Sarah Palin says any more. Sarah Palin has become a clown. I’m embarrassed that I was once for Sarah Palin. Honestly, I’m embarrassed.”

The end.

[RightWingWatch]

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  • coozledad

    Obama never even clenched a fist against a wicked regime where anti-Semitism and Holocaust denial is official ideology,

    Sure he did. He’s beaten the Republicans to a pulp, twice, and he’s getting ready to veto their latest shit hemorrhage.

  • Mavenmaven

    Or, in other words: Gimme gimme some Adelson money!!!!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      She’ll be Trump’s point person on getting tough with the Arabs, right after he appoints her amabassdor to Cairo, Illinois.

  • Ergoetal

    How’s my little puss-pushka doing today? Right in the old PutinPutin? Sarah baby, you’se give me a Big Donald ven I even see you, much less hear. Go climb that mountain baby, and come back to your little Aryan babushka. I have the many fingers for you, OK?

  • Zippy

    Darmok and Obama at Tanagr. Trumpa, his arms wide…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “The derp, with sails unfurled.”

  • coozledad

    Don’t let your prayin’ knees get lazy like Bristol’s. She can’t even hold a aspirin between ’em long enough to ask whoever to go get her a Smirnoff Ice.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I liked Sarah’s speech much better in the original Vogon.

  • Callyson

    Sarah Palin Has Learned To Word Salad In Russian, Y’all

    OK, Vladimir Putin is an asshole, but I’m not sure the Russians deserve this

  • Steverino247

    FUCK YOU JOHN McCAIN!

    • KevinShinn

      Succinct. All that needs saying, really. Thank you

      • Steverino247

        I find myself saying that more and more these days…

  • Oblios_Cap

    “I don’t care what Sarah Palin says any more. Sarah Palin has become a clown. I’m embarrassed that I was once for Sarah Palin.”

    $arah’s only friend these days is Bill Kristol. Even Bristool won’t be seen with her.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Gawd. What are the chances that Bristol was named after B[illK]ristol?

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Holy shit. E’tu, Glen Beck?
    srsly I am a little worried about Fox right now

  • Juan de Fuca

    “So as Obama leads from behind — the skirt of his right-hand man, Valerie Jarrett, then it’s up to Congress to close that window. He may propose, you dispose, Congress. You gotta be in it to win it because we want peace, with unapologetic mighty red, white, and blue, we’ll have peace.”

    Sounds a lot like:

    “I’m a promoter of the people for the people and by the people and my magic lies in my people ties. I’m a promoter of America. I’m American people. You know what I mean? So therefore, uh, do not send for who the bell tolls ’cause the bell tolls for thee.”

    Sarah Palin has been badly plagiarizing Don King this entire time…

  • Zippy

    full of sprinkly fairy dust blown from atop his unicorn, as he’s peeking through a really pretty pink kaleidoscope

    Worst cover of China Cat Sunflower ever! Also too, acid mixes just fine with vodka. It does not, however, mix that well with wingnuts…

  • Callyson

    Behold, America, the former half-term governor who was this close to the vice presidency

    I lasted a grand total of three seconds. Christ, the wingnuts have terrible taste in music…

    http://i.kinja-img.com/gawker-media/image/upload/s–Vz83FtZA–/c_fit,fl_progressive,q_80,w_320/v9r5wqjlbm5qnlwprjth.gif

    • BearGHAZI

      They occasionally steal good music, but the artist is inevitably incensed

    • HeywoodJablomey

      ?Alaska Thunderfuck!?
      You do that on porpoise, Cally?

      • Callyson

        Anything for my hometown heroes and heroines!

  • Lizzietish81

    Don’t let your Praying Knees get lazy….

    I’m sure Sarah has a good pair of knee pads.

    • willi0000000

      calluses.

    • arglebargle

      She was the head cheerleader in college.

  • Oblios_Cap

    We’re not going to touch the lazy prayin’ knees or wonder how Sarah keeps hers in such good shape. Nope, not touching that one.

    Me either. Though it would at least shut her up for a little while.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Man, crystal meth is not your friend, Snowzilla.

    • Angry_Cop

      glad someone else noticed.

      • Zippy

        hard not to- skinny as a rail, talks incessantly, paranoid, delusional, mean and nasty- if this were an inner city blah kid, she’d be getting her head slammed against the sidewalk right about now, as they cuffed her and took her away to detox before booking her for possession.

    • marxalot

      Someone needs to help her with the bees in her teeth.

      • Zippy

        those are the smart ones looking for a way out

  • Steverino247

    Who invited her to speak? THAT is the person who needs to be talked to sternly.

  • whatwhomever

    What languages can she word salad in? AOTK!

  • Callyson

    I read that as “Sarah Palin shitting out her sanity.” Either way, I wasn’t aware that she had any sanity in the first place…

    • Steverino247

      She talks more like someone who is bleeding out her sanity.

      • Zippy

        her wherever

        • Steverino247

          Only instead of an approximate 28 day cycle, it’s every news cycle.

  • coozledad

    You don’t reward terrorism! YOU KILL IT!

    Reince Priebus just called, Sarah. He wants you to tone down the anti Confederate flag rhetoric.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Hey, Glenn!

    “Sarah Palin has become a clown.”

    Sarah Palin has always been a clown. I’m surprised you didn’t figure that out long ago.

  • Treg Brown

    I hold The Donald responsible for her resurrection. She was almost gone, her pay for shit website was closed, and I was happy that obscurity had it’s icy hand on her throat.

    But no.

    Fuckin Trump.

    • tinker12

      Trumpet/Palin 2016!

      • Oblios_Cap

        Trumpet/Strumpet 2016!

        • willi0000000

          t’Rumpit/Bumpit 2016?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    As a veteran, let me say that I do not want our Sarah’s thanks, or the thanks of any of her fans.

    I do want them to SHUT THE FUCK UP forever.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    So the call to action, friends, is take action.

    What is the call to sobriety?

    • Zippy

      last call

      • mtn_philosoph

        One for my crazy, and one more for the rogue.

  • Lizzietish81
  • Callyson

    Oh, and uh, you know, since our president won’t say it — since he still hasn’t called off the DOGS

    What is it with wingnuts and dogs?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FDwwAaVmnf4

  • dslindc

    My head hurts. Pass the wine.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Spill the wine.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Nothing says you want peace more than telling thine adversaries that if you do not do what we want you to do, we’re gonna say fuck it to a treaty and bomb your ass.

  • Belasaurius

    1. Iran stones women, so does fucking Saudi Arabia, and they’re our allies.
    2. Shaking hands with Iran’s leaders who have American blood on their hands. We shook hands with Hirohito after WW2, Hell we left him in charge of the whole damn country.

    I wouldn’t mind her word salad if so many of my fellow Americans, stupid as they are, didn’t agree with ever stupid, cunt-fried, word-salad, jesus finger-bangin, pile of horseshit that streams through this woman’s piehole non-fucking stop.
    Fuck. Did I break rules Doctorzoom? I’m sorry.

    • Chris Meeks

      Cunt-fried… Is that available at Popeyes?

      • Zippy

        extra spicy

        • chicken thief

          Needs to be to mask the tang from the old meat.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            SERIOUSLY gamy.

  • JoeChristmas

    Needs moar BENGHAZI!!1!, Bill Ayers and Alinsky.

    • Zippy

      and especially Reverend Wright, because as Michael Steele said yesterday on Lawrence O’Donnell’s show in reference to the Carson/Trump food fight, “It’s wrong to question another politician’s faith that way”

      (I nearly fell off my chair at that one)

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Well, Steele was thinking in terms of the shitty grade Z movie star’s “11th Commandment”. It’s perfectly OK to question the faith of one of those DEMONcrats.

        • Zippy

          it just shows the massive hypocrisy from our esteemed MSM regarding IOKIYAR.

          If those people had any integrity, the entire show should have come to a screeching halt with a collective LOLWUT?

    • SnarkOff

      You betcha

  • dslindc

    Making Sarah uncomfortable is one of the few times I thank Mother Nature for the stifling heat and humidity in DC!

    • Skwerl King

      You can tell she was from Wasilla, nice moderated temperature, meanwhile we roast in the summer in Fairbanks.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    OMG! I read most of that. And I feel….really….really….slow and….dumb.

  • Sgt. Gym Bunny

    Wow. She wallows in her own stupid like a pig in shit.

    (Now pigs everywhere are gonna be offended. Sorry, guys…)

  • Randy Riddle

    Jeebus H. Christmas, will this shrill banshee ever stop with her mating call?

  • Latverian Diplomat

    He doesn’t Americans to even change our own light bulb of our own choosing.

    And you can’t get lead paint, cars without seat belts, or radium watch dials anymore either.

    And mommy needs a prescription for that laudanum tonic she likes.

    • Roadstergal

      I want my Freedom Elixir Sulfonamide!

    • Reddishrabbit

      Mercury or death!

  • SnarkOff

    Sweatin’ With the Oldies.

  • Callyson

    Yet, as in all other things, this administration loves conflict so much, that they’ll take pressure off the bad guys that reward bad behavior

    Jesus, this makes no kind of sense whatsoever: if Obama loves conflict, he’d be putting pressure on the bad guys to create more conflict…

    …wait, why am I looking for a coherent sentence from the Tundra Grifter?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Cally, very slowly, step back from the derp-o-matic. That’s it. Once you’re say 2 meters away, turn and run like hell.

    • Skwerl King

      Your having a logic attack. Go to the nearest tavern and have your bartender pour you a fifth.

      • fredoandme

        then a sixth, a seventh, and so on, so forth, until it kicks in.

  • Jeff Ackerman

    I’m sure the crowd Sarah spoke to understood every word she said, after all they live in the same alternate universe…

  • Notreelyhelping

    Hah! She didn’t say “don’t trust–verify.” She loses. Again.

  • DahBoner

    I’m roastin’! I’m meltin’! I’ve always said, though, sweat is my sanity

    On the modern superhighway of boobs, this one has got some Gravel tata’s…
    https://media3.giphy.com/media/QsDCGwQ7Oy2fC/200w_d.gif

    • PubOption

      So her doctor can’t tell silicone from silica?

  • Lefty Frizzell

    Shaka, when the walls fell.

  • Indiepalin

    If you enjoyed this video you’ll thrill to her portrayal of Lady Macbeth in the Wasilla Summer production of Columbo in the Park.

  • Angry_Cop

    “Obama never even clenched a fist against a wicked regime where anti-Semitism and Holocaust denial is official ideology, and with state-sanctioned torture and killing of women just because they’re women, well, stoning, amputation — those things that are just national policy.”

    I hear ya, Sarah, Saudi Arabia fucking sucks and the failure of every administration going back to Eisenhower to bring them into at least the 18th century is a source of shame for the entire nation.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Saudia Arabia? With the entire anti-Semitism and holocaust denying, I thought she was talking about Texas.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Alabama or Georgia. Anyone remember Leo Frank?

      • Angry_Cop

        I don’t think humanity has the resources needed to drag Texas into the 18th century. Saudi Arabia, though…probably could.

    • Kakkeltje

      State-sanctioned torture is bad now? I thought it was great for catching terrorists.

    • kaydenpat

      Didn’t Reagan (the Saint of all Republicans) sell weapons to Iran at a time when Iran had kidnapped Americans? Do Republicans think we all have amnesia?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        He did, and they do. Well, they know for a fact that the base has the attention span of a mayfly.

        • Zyxomma

          Mayfly libel!!!11!!!

  • Belasaurius

    1. Iran stones women, so does fucking Saudi Arabia, and they’re our allies.

    2. Shaking hands with Iran’s leaders who have American blood on their hands. We shook hands with Hirohito after WW2, Hell we left him in charge of the whole damn country.

    I wouldn’t mind her word salad if so many of my fellow Americans, stupid as they are, didn’t agree with ever stupid, cunt-fried, word-salad, jesus finger-bangin, pile of horseshit that streams through this woman’s piehole non-fucking stop.

    Fuck. Did I break rules Doctorzoom? I’m sorry.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      No, you’re cool. You can use all sorts of vulgarities and profanities here, the rules are you can’t advocate violence or wish death on people, or mock the actually (not figuratively) mentally disabled.

      As a point of history major pendant order, however, Hirohito was never actually “in charge” of Japan. Things were done in his name, but more often than not done without his actual consent. If you’re going to get squishy about shaking the hands of those who have American blood on their hands, as our Sarah is, don’t shake the hands of any neocon.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I’m begining to think that Griftzilla is, in fact, mentally disabled.

    • SillyBilly

      oh yeah..this too

    • Reddishrabbit

      Speaking of shaking hands

      • vivian

        Donald Rumsfeld, David Brinkley(?), Hunter S Thompson, Saddam Hussein and Chairman Mao?

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          … walk into a bar…

    • stevola

      Just Rule 6.

  • Gristle McThornbody

    Jesus Fucking Christ.

  • dshwa

    I am now futher endumbened by reading her words.

    • BearGHAZI

      Why? It was a perfectly cromulent speech

  • diogenez

    I accidentally heard part of her speech while driving a narrow Colorado road that required careful attention. I had my radio on scan in order to find the local NPR station, but instead was treated to screechy word salad that made my ears bleed. I nearly wrecked the car.

    Thanks, Sarah Palin.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And you didn’t blame it on Obama?

      • JustPixelz

        Nice try, but McCain is on the hook for this.

      • diogenez

        My first thought was that I’d heard a pack of rabid coyotes, so I blamed that.

        Mostly though, I blame John McCain.

    • 24601

      That’s what those runoff side roads in the mountains are for. Failed brakes and/or screechy Palin sneak attack.

    • diogenez

      This is a true story, btw.

  • Callyson

    Glenn Beck — you know, too crazy for Fox News, actual broken brain Glenn Beck — declared on Thursday that even he has had enough of her

    Wow, she lost Glenn Beck? It’s really time for her to take her meds, then…

    • 24601

      I loved how they tried to play Beck off the stage. Not loony enough for the Tea Pots anymore.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    She needs some advice from Jimmy Carter on how to deal with that acid.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I think the effort to talk her down from that particular plane of unreality would tax Jimmy’s abilities even in his heyday.

  • marxalot

    Jesus, she ate a Fox News transcript before she drank the vodka and took the acid. Then just puked it everywhere.

    • OneYieldRegular

      She’s saving the bad lip-synching folks a bundle.

  • Bob@Bob.com

    “sweat is my sanity”, “Obama still is insane” -> Obama does not sweat -> Obama is air cooled – like a dog: that’s why he won’t call off the dogs. Think about it…

    • chicken thief

      Air cooled like… like a Corvair – unsafe at any speed!!11!!!!

  • MrBlobfish

    How the hell did we ever win the Cold War?

    • dshwa

      We didn’t. The Russians just lost it faster.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I thought it was because East Germans wanted their MTV.

    • Lizzietish81

      Gorbachov, Chernobyl, Afghanistian

    • Lefty Frizzell

      Gorby worked out that trying to outspend an Alzheimered wingnut on the military was never going to work and was costing him popular support at home. It’s more of a draw really.

      I just tend to feel a bit sorry for the Ruskies.Tsars replaced by the party elite replaced by the mafia – meet the new boss the same as the old boss. If only they could have held on to the heady idealism of the St Petersburg Soviet…

  • Swampay

    Bristol may be the smart one in the family

    • Belasaurius

      my money’s on Trig

      • Zippy

        what’s the therapy dog’s name? I’m voting for him…

        • 24601

          The dog’s name is Jill Hadassah. Uh-huh. Names her kids after high school electives, but gives the dog a proper name.

    • Skwerl King

      Can they measure IQ with that precision? I mean to the thousandth point?

    • chicken thief

      I dunno. Neither she nor her mom can count how many kids they quirted out.

    • Mintie

      I dunno . . . Bristol was smart enough to hire a ghost writer for her blog. Sarah doesn’t even bother to pay attention to her handlers.

    • Wendel

      Perhaps the smart one is Toad. He is not genetically related to the moose queen.

      • Swampay

        So he voluntarily is involved? I’m thinking that’s worser

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Also, allegedly, he’s stuck his wang into her, and that doesn’t speak well of his judgement, at all.

    • kaydenpat

      And that’s really saying something.

  • Belasaurius

    i’m surprised she didn’t tell the crowd to grab some sticks and go after the media right then and there

  • MrBlobfish

    SupercalifragilisticexpiBraggadocious

    • 24601

      StupidPalinBumblesticksIsOsoBraggadocious

  • Skwerl King

    Super-cauliflower-istic-extreme-Braggadocious…

    Even though the sound of itIs something quite atrocious
    If you say anything loud enough
    You’ll always convince the dumbacoious

    Super-cauliflower-istic-extreme-Braggadocious…

  • chicken thief

    You laugh, but I bet all the old geezers on their hoverrounds had a sweet sweet Viagra boner after her speakafying.

  • SillyBilly

    I will never be able to un-read that..or get my 5 minutes back..

  • Paperless Tiger

    Probably the first speech composed entirely of bumper sticker and tee shirt slogans. Some people have a photographic memory. Hers is more like one of those ransom notes where they cut letters out of magazines so you can’t track the handwriting.

    • jmk

      It did seem to be constructed – and I use that word loosely – out of half-understood cliches.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I don’t understand what “sweat is my sanity” means and I have no desire to find out.

  • Bill Slider

    When the Palin Memorial is built, there needs to be lots of space for writing all of her most quotable word salads. May I suggest they dedicate a 10,000 foot runway, and paint her quotables in glow in the dark paint, just inside the white lines. I likely cannot read too well as a plane is landing or taking off, but it’s the thought that counts.

    • Wendel

      They should erect her monument on Denali and rename it “McCain’s Folly.”

    • Doug Langley

      And a thousand years from now, another Erich von Daniken will say, “See? This PROVES Earth was visited by space aliens!!”

  • RoyalUglyDude

    our president won’t say it — since he still hasn’t called off the DOGS

    That message was was about two octaves out of my range…but my dog is barking up a storm right now.

    • 24601

      Her screechy delivery just caused my cat’s spleen to rupture.

      • kaydenpat

        Why are you subjecting your poor cat to Palinese?

    • HeywoodJablomey

      Crazy cracker-ass bitch.

  • KCF

    “…only in an Orwellian Obama world, full of sprinkly fairy dust blown from atop his unicorn, as he’s peeking through a really pretty pink kaleidoscope…”

    I’m thinking she wrote her speech in a Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper.

  • Mavenmaven

    Wow, look what brilliant insight those morons at Breitbart learned from Palin’s brainfart: Palin: Obama leads from behind the skirt of his right-hand man, Valerie Jarrett

    • cindyinencinitas

      In the midst of that fevered spew, that actually stood out to me. The fuck…

  • tinker12

    I watched this for one minute with the sound off, because $arah Palin. The way she wiped her nose with her hand (twice-ewww) made it look like she just snorted some coke or something. Also, too, when self-described rodeo clown Glenn Beck says one of his ilk is a clown, you are a clown.

    • kaydenpat

      Beck called Palin a clown? Now that would be something to behold. They are both clowns though.

    • cmd

      I used to listen to Ronald Reagan with the sound off. Well, if he was addressing the nation I would turn on the TV but I couldn’t stand to listen to his voice. Reading is was bad enough.

  • MrBlobfish

    I’m roastin’! I’m meltin’!

    That’s not meth. She’s high on PCP.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s the red pill. No, it’s the blue pill! No, it’s the PURPLE pill!

      • Noxious1

        AOTK!

    • marxalot

      Nah, she didn’t eat a mic or scream about how she was god while naked crowd surfing or even slam her own face into the concrete while shriek-laughing. Can’t be PCP.

    • 24601

      Bath salts maybe?

    • Mintie

      May I suggest the old favorite no one likes to talk about, The Change?

  • MikeyArmstrong

    I couldn’t.

  • Sheepshagger

    Yob Tvoyu Mat.

    Suka.

  • kaydenpat

    I only have a limited number of brain cells so I never read or watch large doses of Sarah Palin’s “speeches”. Nothing she says makes sense and beyond laughing and pointing, there are zero benefits from trying to decipher her unique language.
    McCain has yet to apologize for introducing the World to that dipstick. Her name should be tattoed on his forehead and engraved on his tombstone. Naming her as his VP is an unpardonable sin.

    • Bob@Bob.com

      We all need to be careful. Exposure to Palin is about as good for the brain as huffing paint.

    • Strepsi

      I an’t even get to the WORDS — her tone of voice alone, the sheer shrill howl of her voice, as if she has bent space and time to somehow make a flat midwestern twang screech — Mary Harts my body into seizures.

  • chicken thief

    Glenn, easy with the claws, dude. But it has to suck to see a grifter with even less talent than you still grifting on as you fade from the limelight.

  • Bob@Bob.com

    After reading that it seems clear that Palin does in fact speak a second language – Republican Talking Point/Catch Phrase

    • TxSpinyLizrd

      Fever Dream-ese.

    • O4FSake

      Sarah reads way too many bumper stickers.

      • Bob@Bob.com

        That’s the limit of her attention span

  • say wha

    “And here’s the part where the acid kicks in”
    and my lunch ends up on my monitor.

  • Noxious1

    Sarah wants to be the voice of sanity.

    That’s the joke.

  • NorthernSaber

    Horatio Hornblowing Christ- I have quite literally been a drunken sailor, I once celebrated Midsommar in Sweden with such gusto that it made Aussies blanch, and in my younger days conducted myself at the run-up to a Phish concert in such a manner that I awoke (in the guest bedroom) the next day with a wonderful hand-drawn tattoo very close to my sensitive happy regions. Not once in my listing stumbles through ill-advised decisions did I get even close to the gleeful incoherence of this stupid, grifting queef. Not. Fucking. Once. May the crotch-crickets of a million double-peckered billy goats infest (with votes) who the fuck EVER thought this moron should be on America’s national stage.

    • marxalot

      Paging Senator McCain…
      Walnuts, can you please pick up the discourtesy phone…

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The Jedi say that no one is beyond redemption, and the adventures of both Revan and Anakin Skywalker would indicate this to be true, but the Jedi never ran into John McCain.

    • MrBlobfish

      Showoff.

    • JohnR

      Tell us what you really think.

      • docterry6973

        And let us know when you’re done.

    • chicken thief

      Ya, but did you have a microphone handy? That could be the game changer.

      • NorthernSaber

        No, and thankfully all of my adventures happened in the glorious days before every phone doubled as a camera…

    • Msgr_Moment

      Sorry about the tattoo, mate, but I couldn’t find a Sharpie.

    • LarkintheAM

      May the crotch-crickets of a million double-peckered billy goats infest
      (with votes) who the fuck EVER thought this moron should be on
      America’s national stage.
      That would begin with Bill Kristol, and end with John McCain with a long line of Fox personalities in between, so I am behind this idea 100%.

  • JohnR

    That was one of the most painful things I have ever read. I hope Beck’s comment triggers a cat fight between him and Palin.

  • smr06va

    I can only take Simple Sarah in small doses……………..I should be done reading this in about……………FIVE FUCKING YEARS……………..thank you for your support…………………

    • JustPixelz

      You forgot to thank John McCain.

  • 24601

    “Why did we ever get to that point of suppin’ with Sharia?”
    Anyone?

  • Mintie

    “Sorry, we probably should have warned you about that graphic imagery of Sarah Palin sweating out her sanity.”

    She’s sane?

    [reads rest of article]

    Yeah, that seems pretty par for the course for Our Sarah. So nope, not sane nor ever has been.

  • chimichanga

    Un-parody-able…

    • chicken thief

      all you have to do it hit “PLAY”….

  • TheBidenator

    Well that was like a four course meal of word salad, I’m surprised she didn’t tell ’em to get out and ring some bells about eye-ran taking our guns and grizzly bears dancing with magic tutus because Obama sissy pink goat farts :slaps self: I’m okay, I’m okay….seriously though, what a dumb bitch.

  • chicken thief

    They had some big names at this event, right? Cruz, Palin, mah main man Louie Gohmert I think was there… who else? Big names, though. YOOGE!!! But how many people showed up? More than an average Bernie event? Which is my point, all the channels cover this shit, but when was the last time a clip from Bernie was aired?

    • Dee Andee

      And how many thousands was she paid to appear? Whoever organized this clusterfuck better have deep pockets.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Attention-whoring just doesn’t pay like it used to.

  • JustPixelz

    Tea Baggers like to imagine what the Founding Fathers would say about contemporary issues. Thanks to my paleo-telepathic ability, I can report that if the Founders were told about Sarah Palin, Donald Trump and the Tea Party, they’d have burned the Constitution and set up a monarchy.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That, or they’d have scratched “one man, one vote” and gone back to the drawing board, to see if there was some way to keep ignorant dumbfucks from casting ballots.

  • Iam Reading

    That was a grand Mal seizure inducing bit of word salad. Seriously, anyone responsible for allegedly awarding her high school and college diplomas should be put against a wall and shot to death, with votes

    • Rex Thorne

      It’s possible that she had a functioning mind once, before all the Conservatives went off the deep end together.

  • azeyote

    the booze has rotted her brain – the maggots are feeding on it now

  • BearGHAZI

    last time I supped Sharia it went right through me, to my shants. Gettin’ old here

  • 24601
    • BearGHAZI

      How Orwellian!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Chevy? Barry Bamz rides a Chevy unicorn?

  • say wha

    So, if you put 100 monkeys with typewriters in a room long enough, eventually you’ll get either Hamlet or a Palin speech?

    • BearGHAZI

      You’ll get hundreds of Palin speeches

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        And you won’t have to wait long.

  • Me not sure

    Sarah was drippin’ drunk sweat like a whore in church. I can’t believe anyone in their right mind couldn’t see that she was very impaired. I’m no fan of the quitter but someone needs to seriously do an intervention.

    • Iam Reading

      She may be a victim of a bad home lobotomy kit experience

      • Me not sure

        Keep her away from the ice pick.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Sort of like Ben Carson?

        • Msgr_Moment

          She mistook her frontal cortex for a conjoined twin.

      • 24601

        “America’s Funniest Home Surgeries”
        TLC wouldn’t bite.

    • BearGHAZI

      I bet it’s white wine. She screams day-drinking anarorexic housefrau of Benneton

    • r m reddicks

      Why?

  • Wendel

    Has Glenn Beck been taking a few night courses in logic from the local high school? Anyway, Palin’s “comments” read like some kind of new poetry style, without the required iambic pentameter stuff, and sound better spoken than read.

  • Ilgattomorte

    SARAH PALIN DELIVERING THE GETTYSBURG ADDRESS
    …in an alternate universe

    A Bunch of years ago our 4 fathers, with their 4 mothers right next to them decided, hey! You know what? Why don’t we make everybody equal ’cause, you gotta to go big or go home! ‘Cause we all know, you can’t milk a goat if it doesn’t have an udder.

    Now we’re fightin’ and brawlin’ and testin’ ourselves in this civil war which ain’t so civil, ‘an we don’t know how long we can endure all this, but we will endure this if we can all thank a vet for dyin’ on this great field of battle. And you know what? That’s the right thing to do. But you won’t hear Jefferson Davis thankin’ anybody ’cause he’s a hoity-toity socialist who thinks that thank-yous are for the common people.

    That’s why we should all thank the brave men who died here and don’t forget to thank the amputees and the guys with no faces and the footless ’cause they fought here for freedom. An’ because of them we will bring about a new birth of freedom. The South won’t do that ’cause they hate freedom. The South hates everybody who loves freedom and they hate this ground that our dead are dedicated in, which is the ground that they are buried under, for America. But they shall not have died in vain because “We the People” will devote ourselves, under God, for the people and by the people. We will bring about this new freedom birth and not a still-birth, but a really, really healthy birth with a real cute baby, not like those ugly babies they have in the South, and we shall not perish. USA! USA!

    • Vienna Woods

      Awesome!!

    • jmk

      Needs moar cliches!!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The entire idea that Sarah would trash the South is just too jarring to take in any sort of manner, serious or snarky.

      • Ilgattomorte

        You forget. Back then the south was a bunch of … oh my God … wait for it … DEMOCRATS, and as people like Sarah have told us so many times over and over again, everything that was true 150 or so years ago must be true now.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Break the mind meld, NOW, before there’s permanent damage!

          • Ilgattomorte

            I know, you’re right. I’ve got to stop with all of this horse doody before I end up going to H-E-double hockey sticks. Todd tells me that all the time.

    • kaydenpat

      ***slow clap standing ovation***

    • r m reddicks

      Jesus, I’ll never be able to recite that in my 5th grade class which I plan on re-visiting when I go to sleep. Bunch of these things ^^^^^, et cetera.

    • LarkintheAM

      I don’t know what you were ingesting when you wrote this, but I’d get to a detox center STAT.

    • Little Lulu

      Brilliant!

  • TheBidenator

    Does that mean Modo and Palin are going to fight over which one has the lamer “Obama is a wuss” insult- “Obambi” vs. “Obama riding on a unicorn with pixie farts and a pink kaleidoscope and also blood of Christian martyrs and don’t retreat, reload with eggs and cinnamon toast because tuna don’t surf and” :slaps self: I’m okay, I’m okay….so is that what’s going to happen?

  • 24601

    Grifter Queen was small and mean and firmly packed with spite and spleen.

    • Msmlg1979

      She spews a mulitude of words amounting to a hill of turds.

    • Dee Andee

      And moose shit. And drugs.

  • TheBidenator

    Do wingnuts just say “Orwellian” when they want to appear smart without even bothering to attribute WHAT it is that’s Orwellian based upon critical analysis of any policy that supposedly has something to do with George Orwell? I’m beginning to think conservatives are just really stupid people who use empty buzzwords that are utterly devoid of meaning….

    • NorthernSaber

      uh, “beginning” to think???

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Conservatives are not necessarily stupid, but most stupid people are conservatives.” — John Stuart Mill.

    • Dee Andee

      No way…seriously? omg. O.o

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      I don’t know. I think we should ask the Scholars at “Liberty” University, where Kim Davis’ lawyer was the Dean of the Law School until he got them ensnared in a RICO case and where the students once asked to form a Young Democrats club like the School’s Young Republicans club, and the school said, “Nuh uh, nope” cuz “Liberty”.

  • Vienna Woods

    As I commented this morning, it makes no difference whatsoever if you skip forward randomly every 30 seconds or so.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Every time I hear one of the candidates speak- take your pick, it doesn’t even matter anymore- I can’t help but think “y’know, there’s a lot to be said in favor of concision and clarity.” Which I guess is a polite way to say GET TO THE FUCKING POINT

  • Msmlg1979

    How many Palins does it take to change a light bulb of their own choosing?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      AOT, K.

    • 24601

      All the bulbs are dim at the Palin residence.

    • chicken thief

      Trick question! From all accounts, they prefer them dim.

      Edit: Arghhh! Curse your blazing mad typing skillz, 24601!

    • Dee Andee

      They choose 150-watt old-fashioned incandescent too, because there is no global warming and our supply of energy is infinite, at least until the rapture. Yeah.

      • Msmlg1979

        Drill, baby, Drill!!!

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          Rig count is dropping cuz 42 barrel oil. Damn you Obama!

          • Msmlg1979

            I was going off on Obama when I paid $1.83 for gas in South Carolina this weekend. If only we could go back to the days of $45 to fill up my compact car! Nostalgia.

        • r m reddicks

          She’s hoping. Not me. I prefer women who can hold their liquor.

  • 24601

    They have a Russian word for you too, Sarah: немой дерьмо

  • Dee Andee

    Um…ummmm….sheesus fuck. That is all.

  • GDleftyPart2

    Holy smokes, I’ve seen tweekers up for a week twitch less….
    Lot of nose rubbin’ in the beginning, has she got cocaine eyes?

  • Juan de Fuca

    We’ve got Trump calling Carson out to the kickball field after school, Beck projecting and calling Palin a shrieking harpy, Rand and Christie arguing about who loves 9/11 and Obama more and Huckabee telling Cruz to get the fuck off his grass. Not saying I’d come close to voting for her but Fiorina might be the adult in this entire comedy…

    • r m reddicks

      Low bar, that.

    • OneDemin EOr

      And Blowover made a mean tweet about Carly’s face. He’s feeling threatened.

      • Juan de Fuca

        As much as I don’t care for her as a politician or a CEO, she buries him everytime he attacks her. You gotta respect that. That and the irony of who is arguably the ugliest man to run for POTUS calling a reasonably attractive female candidate ugly…smh.

        • miss_grundy

          Fourth grade level? You are giving him too much credit. I would say he’s more along the first grade level.

    • eddi

      Only because she hasn’t opened her mouth in a while.

  • TxSpinyLizrd

    Glenn Beck must be back on his meds. You know, the ones doctors actually prescribe.

  • Sjorgl

    Jesus, yes, fellate the first first responder you see for your FREEDOMS!
    The only people who want to take away Americans’ freedoms are other Americans – invariably Republicans.

  • TRUE STORY: Yesterday I thought I heard a couple of cats fighting outside. Turns out it was Palin givin’ her speech.on the teevee in the kitchen. Again:TRUE STORY

    • thenearesthippie

      Faster pussycat! Kill! Kill!

  • Mary

    Glenn Beck has a moment of lucidity! Is this a reason to celebrate or a sign of the apocalypse?

    • r m reddicks

      She stopped giving him blow jobs. Don’t mean nothing more than that. Her praying kneez got all lazy.

    • JurisGal

      I think you know the answer. Any day now…

    • eddi

      Watch the skies.

  • AmusedAmused

    As a ventilation window, fortochka is specifically designed to be too small for anyone (even a child) to get through, and positioned is such a way that it doesn’t allow enough maneuvering room to unbolt the main window. So comparing the Iran deal to a fortochka … actually says the opposite of what Palin is trying to say.

    • nmmagyar

      This information, while helpful to non-Russian speakers, surprises exactly zero people.

  • stevola

    I’m melting! I’m melting! What a world, what a world!

  • Mary

    The ingredients of Sarah Palin’s speeches:

    Reload
    Drill baby, drill
    Leads from behind
    War
    Israel
    Reagan
    Prayer
    Obama: baad
    Lamestream media

    Put in a blender, sprinkle with a few winks and “you betchas,” and it’s ready to serve on any occasion.

    • LarkintheAM

      This is not a recipe that I would like to see memorialized in the recipe hub.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    Sarah’s window of opportunity is spelled O-v-e-r-t-o-n.

  • junior friggster

    I can’t believe more people didn’t pay to hear this erudite public speaker when she selflessly started that content-heavy internet site.

    Fart’nokker – thanks again.

  • TheGrandWaz00

    Twenty years from now Palin will be working for tips at the Wasilla Moose lodge.

    https://33.media.tumblr.com/8ed8f0a1d160b5ef4c715882e0e37948/tumblr_inline_noffrod9kP1soqlt9_540.gif

  • Hardly Ideal

    I don’t care what Sarah Palin says any more. Sarah Palin has become a
    clown. I’m embarrassed that I was once for Sarah Palin. Honestly, I’m
    embarrassed.

    *sigh*
    *shoos children into the playroom*
    *closes the doors and curtains*
    *deep breath*
    *grabs Glenn by the ears*

    Á̧̧͖̲͙̫͕͎̫͔͉͉̳̞͖͎̰͔͘͘Ş̷͖͈͍̖̩̠̜͜ͅ ̷̝̗̤̫̪̞̟̩͈̯͙͕̥́́̕Y̵̘̥̯̲̱̱̠̩͘͘Ó̧̰̯̤̞̮̥͜ͅÚ̵̸͚̹̺̭̰͚̘̰̯͉̀ͅ ̪̱͖̤͚̪̩͓͉̰͈̯̩̳̻͙̰̞̀͡͡F̼̦͈͚̥͉̤̮̜̞̀͠Ừ̠̯͇̜͈͈̹̭C̙͔͓̭͚̰̻͔̱͔͔̥͎͘͜ͅK̴̹͈͙̯͚̗̱̻̪͍̘͉͓͉̞I̧͘͟͏̹̲̬͚̞̤͉͕̹̻̻̩ͅͅŅ̵͔̘̦̝̙̞̭̙̝͉͍͈͕͜͝G̸̡͍̭̠͎̠͎͎̘̝̱̼̭̟̠͕͘͢͢͜͝͝ͅͅͅ͏̶̗͚̲̭͓͔͉͍̼̲̞̫̗͕͖͍ W̴̵͙̹̝̤̥͙̫͎̗̱̳̞͟͝͝ͅE̡̨̼̼̙̗̖̯̫͢͞ͅĹ̸̡̝̟̼̠͎͚̱̱̙͇͡ͅL҉҉̵̢̢̛̙͇̙̯͚̬͞҉̩̘̖͖̯̣̙͖̟̫̳̫́S̸̫̜̝͇̬̦̣̟̬̱͔̲͓͈͡ͅH̸̢̝̖̳͔͢͡O̢̺̭̗̯̤̮̻̕͜U̫̥̯͉͓̠͇̩̺̹̥̠͎̙͔̳̜̫͜Ļ̷̷̟̞̳̗̦̱̭͕̕͠D̸̶̢̘̖̪̟̗̪͔̳̳͕͈̩̬̘̟͇͓̫̦͟͜͡ B̸̡̝̻͉͎̝̼̙͠E̷͓̗͕͎̯̬͈̩̘͙̤̜̫̼͖̱͖̗̙͘͘͞!̸̛͕̹̮͍̫͉͔͎͢͡͡!̮͕͈̜͉͕͚̥͈͎̼̜̖͙͘͢͡ͅ!̶̢̩͖͎̺͈̮͖̟̯͎͞ͅͅ

  • AutumnWytch

    I wonder how many Wonkette readers just keeled over from an aneurysm just from *reading* that hot mess of a word salad (couldn’t watch it cuz she makes my ears bleed). I know I came close myself. Godspeed, Kaili. You deserve some sort of hazard bonus for transcribing that nonsense.

    • Paperless Tiger

      It’s like climbing Mt. Litany.

    • Logic of Color

      AAH! My Earballz1

    • Doug Langley

      Even just speed-reading it gave me sensation of fingernails on blackboard.

    • bullet2

      Seriously, I was afraid to dive in-thought I would get stuck and drown in the crazy.

  • Gregory Brown

    Listening to that voice brings to mind what chewing on glass must be like.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    I blame Voltaire.

    ‘O Lord make my enemies ridiculous.’ And God granted it.

    Voltaire never could have imagined that one day, ridiculousness would be celebrated, cheered, and televised.

    IT’S GOT WHAT MORONS CRAVE

    • OneDemin EOr

      “Idiocracy” in real life.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    So, if we all pitched in, say a dollar, to take a hit on this cow, they couldn’t possibly arrest us all, could they?

    • LarkintheAM

      The LAST thing we want to do is turn Caribou Barbie into a martyr.

  • SK

    When you have lost Glenn Beck…

    • Msgr_Moment

      You’ve done something right?

      • eddi

        Or so wrong even he facepalmed.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      …you should take a look at your meth habit.

      • nmmagyar

        But do you increase or decrease your meth use in response?

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          If Glenn Beck agrees with you, it’s definitely time to amp it up a notch.

    • r m reddicks

      For most folks it would be “regained you mind”. Most folks.

    • eddi

      When you’re our Beck, you’re out of beer.

  • AlanInSF

    Always with the light bulbs, these people. Someone please tell them they can buy all the energy-wasting incandescent bulbs they please at any hardware or grocery store,

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And they should do it NOW, before Obama’s thugs come to take them away.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Braggadocious. Where do you begin? Guess I’ll just wait to see if she gets around to misrefudiating this one.

    • Msgr_Moment

      She never sounds precocious.

      • Ranina

        …but always sounds atrocious…

        • Juan de Fuca

          Superwasillia-nativistic-exp-i-a-psychosis?

          • eddi

            ?We have a winner!?

        • Msgr_Moment

          They love her in Nacogdoches.

          • Ranina

            Now YOU sound precocious ;-)

  • r m reddicks

    Oh, god. I’ve gone mad. That’s beyond the brown acid mixed with vodka. Belladonna and stramonium come to mind. And various drugs not yet invented or discovered.

    • OneDemin EOr

      Strontium 90. Bitch snorted some of that.

  • Msgr_Moment

    I saw the dumbest mind of my generation destroyed by madness,
    starving hysterical naked,
    dragging herself through the negro streets at dawn looking
    for an angry fix.

    • NorthernSaber

      but there isn’t a chance in hell she’s ever going looking for jazz…

      • Msgr_Moment

        Glenn Rice never played for Utah?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        “jazz”?
        I think you spelled it wrong.

  • She should yell more. Really drive home the point.

    Oh Pillhead – you were so fucking high when you wrote that speech. Like so high you forgot you were writing words to be read into a live mike. Like so fucking high you forgot that strings of inside jokes delivered with snorts (not a good look, Pillhead, not a good look) and chortles (give that witch a beard and she’s fucking Santa Claus) require pauses for already slowed respiration. Learn from Master Burroughs. Slow it down as you shop your horrors. Pillhead.

    Seriously. That hohoho after the “Valerie Jarrett”? Like she didn’t know it was there? Like it sounded better on paper? WTF?

    • H0mer0

      her voice, it’s shrill, it’s back in my head, make it stop!!!

  • OneDemin EOr

    Well now, just a few days ago the Denali Douchenozzle insisted we all speak “American”. Not only does she not do that well, she learned a COMMIE word!

  • Poly_Ester

    I’d say that with Sarah it all about projection, but I’m not certain that she is even coherent enough for me to posit that.

  • miss_grundy

    If we asked Putin nicely, do you think he would send a drone to her house?

  • janecita

    I can’t even read the stupid shit that this bitch says anymore. I made it half way through the story, and I had to stop. I really, really hate dumb people!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      She brings out the quitter in me as well.

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    I haven’t heard the word salad in a while. Takes you back; this is good news for John McCain.
    Dear Dog, if he had won …

  • KevinShinn

    Small correction to transcript (tentative, I really can’t listen a second time it’s too much)–believe she even mangled Saint RWR’s pithy imagery by saying, “ashes of history.” I could be wrong though, not the least because I’ve lazy knees fur shur.

  • VandeGraf

    Someone opened Palin’s fortochka and her wits flew out. Actually they dribbled, but that’s quibbling over small beer.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    OK, it’s over the top, but there was some serious criticism too – from the Duck Dynasty guy.

  • JurisGal

    She got in all of her keywords , she is obvious. Small correction with the transcription: “kill the dill” not
    ” kill the deal” – she’s never said ‘deal’ in her life.
    Her speech reminds me of that Eddie Murphy movie where he combines all these buzzwords and historic quotes into a speech and ends up saying nothing really. Can’t recall the movie.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      “Combines all these buzzwords and historic quotes into a speech and ends up saying nothing.”
      Pick any Reagan speech.

      • Msgr_Moment

        The Great BarLowerer.

      • eddi

        He just read what was on the Teleprompter. Like any good actor.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Hey, Sarah, why don’t you quit criticizing someone who has more brains than your entire family tree, go home, and teach your daughter how to use birth control?

  • Rocky in Texas said…

    Palin is proof that birth control should be free for everybody!

  • OrdinaryJoe

    There are many reasons why I wish Hunter Thompson was still alive. Sarahlou is one of them.

    • cmb

      Molly Ivins would have been in clov-ah!

  • Wait, Sarah Palin used to be A-MAN? OH GOD!

    http://i.ytimg.com/vi/g2KsZHRrFpU/hqdefault.jpg

    • Putty

      Oh, Poppit … and you thought it would bother me that you are from IRAN.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Good lord, that is one long, incoherent scramble of stupidity.
    I’m starting to think that the woman is mentally ill.

    • eddi

      She is a hard-core Christian conservative raised in the age of Republican “family values”. Of course she’s nuts. They all are.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    I’m roastin’

    I’m meltin’

    I’m ramblin’

    And I’m a moran

    Talkin’ gibberish in the sun

    I’m a grifter

    I’m a nutter

    I’m a mid-term quitter

    I get my money from the dumb

    Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh

    • Msgr_Moment

      Somebody please kick her in the pompatass.

      • Helena Handbag

        ….of love.

  • Helena Handbag

    It’s getting harder to tell the difference between actual Palin quotes and somebody doing a parody of her.

    • MAZS

      That was the beauty of Tina Fey’s impression–she barely had to dress up Sarah’s actual words–the parodies wrote themselves.

  • Incoming Ham

    идиот.

  • Major_Major_Major

    Her speeches are like a cut rate version of William Faulkner. The Sound and the Fury, indeed.

  • Lady Bug

    After reading that, I feel my IQ drop 20 points and my rage meter rise up to 100.

  • arundel

    Could barely get through all the drivel. And is “supping” really a thing in Alaska, do they really speak like mid-19th century prairie people? I am doubtful.

    Reagan purposefully kept over a hundred Americans hostage in Iran. A fact that boggles my mind to this day, I remember as a kid reading about the long drawn-out ordeal. Feeling sympathy for the hostages. ABC’s Nightline was started as a countdown of all the days these Americans were held hostage in Iran. And the show was designed specifically to denigrate President Jimmy Carter, to portray the Iran hostage crisis as entirely his fault. In 1979, the powers that be and the media badly wanted Reagan as president, they had no scruples at all. Nightline was conceived fully as a vehicle to humiliates Jimmy Carter, night after night. Right up to the 1980 elections. A very purposeful drumbeat of how every day those American hostages in Iran was all Carter’s fault.

    We found out later that Reagan’s people had a deal with Iran- keep them hostage until Reagan is sworn in. And sure as shit, the hostages were released the minute Reagan was sworn in. WTF!!! reagan and his people intentionally kept Americans hostage in Iran. Then sold weapons to Iran, gladly. Then used that money to fund right-wing murderers in Central America.

    This shit is BOGGLING. Our media did their best to flush it down the memory-hole, but my god, the Iran-Contra scandal makes Watergate look like nothing. It is so spectacularly outlandish in its brazen illegality and hypocrisy. And, our media just made the whole gargantuan scandal go away. Never happened. Reagan the Saint. Unbelievable. IOKIYAR. What a disgrace.

    • Zyxomma

      I would guess that you were too young to vote to re-elect Carter. I wasn’t, and I always, ALWAYS knew Reagan was a lying, cheating, sack o’shit. Ronald Raygun. Zap.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Sent the video of $arahs demented babbling to my teabagger friend (and Fucks Gnus victim), and I swear, this is verbatim from his reply: “The presentation needs improvement, but [insert AIPAC talking points here.]” No sign of irony, or deliberate understatement.

  • Zhu Bajie

    Ee-rahn is a country. Eye-ran is yoghurt.

  • deanbooth

    “It’s pronounced iRan, like that phone the queers use.”

  • sillyclucker

    Sarah needs to sweat more. A whole lot more.

    • mardam422

      Maybe she already sweated out all the sanity she had. But then, we’re talking microliters here. (I said microliters because Our Sarah hates it, and doesn’t know what it means, to boot.)

  • clubseal

    Anyone who cheered after that … I don’t even know what to say. It’s so hypocritical, obtuse and ignorant that it makes my eyes glaze over.

  • 3FingerPete

    Kidnapping and killing Westerners, including Americans, was a popular Middle East pastime during the Reagan years.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      All part of the plan to get Obama elected 30 years later.

  • eddi

    Kim and Sarah have both lost the Fox News vote. Bad news. ?

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      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        $98/hr? That’s a whole shitload of spam posting… you’ll get carpal tunnel fer shure!

        • NotALiar

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  • hvdv

    Oh, the poor thing.

  • NotALiar

    Reading that made me nauseous.

  • MrCanoehead

    “Fortochka”? Are you sure she didn’t mean farkakte?

  • jamsie

    I wonder what kind of drugs she’s on? You all know she has to be on something.

  • Suttree

    That made William S.Burroughs sound sober.

  • Zhu Bajie

    Has she ever been interviewed by Russia Today? That’d probably be craptastically funny!

  • waxwingslain

    “ash heap of history” omg she ‘s a TROTSKYIST!

  • Teto85

    I left after 30 seconds. It was either that or lose my breakfast.

  • “And Eye-ran… well, you know, Eye-ran’s so far away. A FLOCK OF SEAGULLS also, too!”

  • mtn_philosoph

    Consistently the most side-splittingly hilarious stand-up routine out there these days. This isn’t a word salad — it’s a rhetorical Jello mold.

  • Geezus Christ

    This is not booze talkin’. It’s not cocaine either. There’s a whole lot of crystal meth goin’ on in this speech. Count how many times she tugs at her hair. Yeah, that’s crystal meth – it also produces a lot of non-sensible word salad. What she’s saying makes a lot of sense in her meth head, in other meth heads and in tea-baggers’ heads, but not in normal people’s non-meth or non-teabaggin’ heads. Of course this crowd, being the normal tea-baggin’ crowd that it is, has no clue when they’re supposed to applaud. They wait until she pauses for air and stops tugging at her hair, then they look quizzically at each other. Some of them clap, slowly joined by others. “What did she say? Do we care? Let’s clap!” LOL How funny!!

  • 0gham

    Ya know you got here in DC your crabs and your lamestream politicians and Obama ya know he’s over there going, “Nuuuuuuuh” and leading from behind because ya know in Alaska we have Russia next door and ya know also Jesus and abortions.” *WINKS.* [CROWD ERUPTS IN THUNDEROUS APPLAUSE]

    Ya know I’m one tough mama grizzly because ya know so many US Americans are struggling due to the Obama and such as and ya know leadin’ from behind like “Nuuuuh” because ya know what emboldened our enemies in the EYE-ran was the Benghazi and the Iraq and such as and also ya know locking up the pipelines because Syria was going to bomb Syria. *WINKS* [5 MINUTE STANDING OVATION]

    • Jacqueline R.

      Excellent!

    • spacecat in space

      >_< Ow. My brain. Ow.

  • 0gham

    That’s some great authentic frontier gibberish.

  • spacecat in space

    It took me forever and ever, amen, to read this piece because I had to keep taking long breaks away from the down-home-Alaskah! wordsalad. Palinese hurts my brainparts.

    Ow. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrCPIrs90eg

  • Yitzhak Finnegan

    Sense any make doesn’t speech rambling her. Problem dyslexia a have she could?

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