Clinton Email Bombshell: John Boehner Probably Blackout Drunk Right Now

Can't you just taste his bitter, drunken, photoshopped tears?

Monday brought us another end-of-month dump of like 7000 Hillary Clinton emails from the State Department, and the most important things we learned are: she likes The Good Wife and Parks and Recreation , she wrote the goofiest diplomatic email heading/message in history, and everyone says Boehner's a drunk. She is definitely one email away from prison, now.

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The most important revelation in the dump, of course, is about the gefilte fish. Prepare to be horrified:

 
 One of the great unknown questions

That's almost certainly some kind of code involving the murder of Vince Foster, or maybe it's a reference to Benghazi, where Clinton passed over the diplomatic outpost's frantic calls for help. Or, if you believe the lamestream media, the message was asking whether State had managed to obtain an exception to Israeli import duties for a shipment of frozen American carp that was destined to be made into gefilte fish. Yes, even Hillary's weird emails turn out to be boring.

But then there's this breakdown of strategy for the 2010 midterm elections sent to Clinton by longtime Friend Of Billary Sidney Blumenthal, who is rather amused to see the GOP establishment trying to pivot from inviting the Palinistas in for the primaries, but to shut them out during the general (not that it ultimately mattered; the wackobirds showed up in droves and brought us a Permanent Dumbfuck Majority in the House). The fun stuff comes in Blumenthal's assessment of John Boehner's standing among his GOP peers, which is mostly that he serves as a pissing target:

Poor Drinky Drunky John, the Drunk. "He is louche, alcoholic, lazy, and without any commitment to any principle" and also "careworn and threadbare, banal and hollow, holding nobody's enduring loyalty." And Boehner's "a would-be DeLay without the whip. He's the one at the end of the lash." Yes, feel free to read that as "he's P-whipped," even if there are no women in this scenario.

We seriously doubt that anything in the email dump will hurt Hillary Clinton's chances in 2016, since Democrats don't seem to care about it much, but we're pretty impressed by Blumenthal's gift for purple prose. If he doesn't have a successful political potboiler on the bestseller lists by the time Hillary takes the Oath of Office, he has only himself to blame.

[ WaPo / CNN / State Department ]