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Who wore it better?


Greetings, Compatriots! Welcome again to the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly roundup of the latest in hoaxes, pokeses, and Presidential jokeses this side of the Mississippi. We’ve got a jam-packed agenda to get through today, so let’s start with a story about a great American — no, the GREATEST American — who ever lived in America, this land of opportunity, in which a small boy born into incredible wealth can gain even more incredible wealth and go on to be the voice of America, for the America, to Make America Great Again. America, YOU’RE FIRED!! But also America.

Donald Trump’s YOOGE opportunity is just a YOOGE pyramid scheme

Do you follow politics, dear reader? For those of you who do read The Politics, you have probably heard of this man, Donald “Yooge Man” Trump, because he has been saying lots of politics things lately about politics, and also maybe lady things? We’re not terribly sure. We only read Wonkette for the recipes.

In recent news things, Mr. The Trump has made a point of bragging about how wealthy and successful and wealthy and WINNING he is so all you losers can suck it. However, did you know how Donald made so many of his billions? If you guessed declaring bankruptcy multiple times and then sticking lenders with the bill, you’d only be partially right. But if you guessed that Mr. Trump ran a massive cock-n-bull health scam pyramid scheme in order to rip off victims of the recession, you would also be right! Everyone wins!

Back in ’09, Trump bought himself a shiny new company called Ideal Health Inc., then immediately rubbed his taint on it by renaming it The Trump Network. Under the Trump Network, Donald offered his rubes a once in a lifetime opportunity to make UNLIMITED piles of cash:

That’s why I have put my name and expertise into supporting this opportunity. The team at The Trump Network have phenomenal products, provide easy to follow training and have a great support network available to all their members.

The Trump Network offers you a financial solution that you can believe in.

The Trump Network offers products that help make people healthier, an opportunity for you to make as much money as you want, based on your own efforts, and the support of a great company.

Join me in this worthwhile endeavor.

Tell us, Mr. Trump! How can we also, too, make YOOGE piles of money so that the press will also give US a pass to say horrible racist crap?

There is no limit to the amount of rewards you can earn. With The Trump Network, you’re positioned for success. You earn money from the products that the people in your network purchase for personal use as well as ones they sell to their customers. In addition, you have the opportunity to receive $100 to $225 commission for each 1st level FastStart Way purchase. Plus, you can also earn Infinity Bonuses from $10 to $125 for each FastStart Way purchase in your network to unlimited levels.

No limit to the amount of bullshit! Note the weasel words throughout: “You have the opportunity to receive … commission” should worry you from the get-go.

Imagine if you were a Platinum and you enrolled 1 person the FastStart Way, you would earn $170. However, it doesn’t stop there. If that person enrolls someone the FastStart Way, you would earn a $70 Platinum Infinity Bonus, and if that person did the same, you would earn another $70. This continues to unlimited levels. It works the same way when you become a Diamond and Executive Diamond.

Can you imagine 10, 100, or even 1,000 people on your team living healthier, fuller lives and duplicating your efforts with The Trump Network? You could be rewarded monthly on their product purchases. This is leveraging your time and your efforts efficiently for long-term residual income. And you can feel even better because you know you are also working to build strong bodies, develop bright minds, and generate free spirits at the same time.

Ugh, we haven’t heard this much bunk about reaching new levels since that time we sold L. Ron Hubbard that abandoned box of Fischer Price phones er, uh, E-meters.

The system sounds easy enough doesn’t it? What would something like this cost, you ask? Would you believe it’s only $48?! What a steal, we’re sure you’re not saying, because only crazy people talk to themselves (that’s right, Volpe). But as Daily Finance reports, $48 only pays for a puny starter kit and access to the Trump Network website for 3 months. If you actually want any of the real materials, you have to shell out $497 for a package containing CDs, promotional materials, and actual samples of the freaking products you’ll be selling.

To make the whole dealie even more of a perpetual rube machine, the Trump Network, for all its trumped up (heh) rhetoric of improving people’s health and freeing their spirits (???), sells nothing but products that are just as phony bologna as their marketing scheme. As revealed by QuackWatch, the flagship product of the network was the PrivaTest, a urine-testing system invented by a naturopath (from the Latin naturo meaning “natural,” and pathos meaning “not a real fucking doctor”) named David Macallan.

The PrivaTest purported to be a customized vitamin supplement system which would find all the deficiencies in your diet, but only after you paid “$139.95 for [an initial urine] test, $69.95 per month for the vitamins, and $99.95 for a retest that is recommneded [sic] in six months so the formula can be ‘readjusted.'” G’damn that is a lot of money for the pleasure to pee into a cup. Pop down to your local public house and they’ll let you do that for free! Once.

Let’s let the quaxperts explain another one of the company’s exciting not-medicines, with the awful name of Custom Essentials, a phrase we would expect to see on a quarterly progress report alongside phrases like “integrating horizontal synergy” and “dynamic solution-focused logistics”:

Ideal Health’s 28-page “Opportunity Presentation” makes claims that I believe are illegal. Page 13…states or implies that taking Custom Essentials will improve mental alertness, memory, emotional balance, concentration, tension levels, and vitality; improve the appearance of skin, hair, and nails; and “support” the functioning of the liver, kidneys, heart, lungs, eyes, prostate, and joints.

Another of Ideal Health’s sales aids was a CD-ROM that included an “exciting 7 to 10 minute video of inspiring testimonials from top marketers” who say or suggest that taking Custom Essentials has relieved symptoms of fibromyalgia; improved irritable bowel; stopped them from having colds; improved digestion; stopped hair loss; stopped acne breakouts; caused nails and hair to grow faster; increased their energy, increased sex drive; improved memory; relieved aches and pains; improved their appearance; reduced stress levels; drastically decreased their allergies; lowered their blood cholesterol levels; improved sleep; and healed fractures more quickly [3]. Most of these problems are not caused by nutrient deficiencies. Moreover, claims that Custom Essentials could prevent, mitigate, treat, or cure any of these diseases would be illegal without FDA approval, which, of course, the product did not have.

Oopsie! Forgot to get that pesky little FDA approval. Better scrap that idea. MOVING ON.

Never fear, dear meal ticket! Thankfully, PrivaTest and Custom Essentials aren’t the only arrows in the Trump Network quiver, as they are also the exclusive distributor of the Silhouette Solution, a prepackaged meal diet that for only two months of instant snacks can lose you some 20 pounds in two months just by sitting on your butt, preparing your own meals, and munching on dehydrated flavor packets that cost about $1,325. Ooh, yeowch.

What’s worse is that the program doesn’t even let you duck out after those two months. According to all the Ideal Health literature, 3 months are necessary for the weight loss program to even work, requiring you to purchase additional months of powdered foods (around $633/mo) to even complete the basic program. But just look at all these beautiful photos of stock models running and chubby people sucking in their guts. If you can’t trust that nice lady laughing into her salad, who can you trust?

When Donald ran for president the last time around (Jesus, why do they still let him do this?), he made the decision to quietly drop the Trump Network from his list of business ventures rather than allow it to be an albatross around his perfectly coifed neck. It’s one thing to rip people off with casinos, but it’s another thing entirely to sell weight loss solutions from a guy like Dr. Macallan, who openly admits to lying to his patients and legitimate medical professionals when they ask him how his products work.

We’ll depart from Mr. Trump for now, as he’s starting to leave a hairy taste in our mouths, but don’t forget that we didn’t even touch on his other, even less legitimate pyramid schemes. All we can say for sure is that if Scott Brown really wants to run for public office again, he’s going to have to step up his pyramid scheme game, though we like to think of it more as a reverse funnel.

Sportball man has magic tincture to cure your horrible brain hemorrhage

(Special thanks to Wonktributor “sw19womble” for this doozy!)

Let’s look into an arena your Volpe has seldom trod, the realm of Sportball! Go Sport Go! Yay Team! Your Volpe cannot claim to have much expertise in this area, what with our being a Certified Sodomite and Professional Poindexter, but one thing we do know is a scam when we smell one, and this one’s about as ripe as a season-winning jock strap.

Russell Wilson is a player of football (or as the Europeans call it, “Not-a-sport”) for a team called the Seahawks. After suffering a head injury during a game against some ruffians called the Packers (too easy), Mr. Wilson was still able to stay in the game and eventually play in the Super Bowl, which is when you toss two sportballs together in a giant mixing bowl and squirt on some lemon juice with a dash of cilantro we bet. While media outlets criticized medical staff for allowing Wilson to keep playing after basically only checking to make sure he wasn’t decapitated, Wilson attributes his miraculous recovery to something else: magical sport water.

To be specific, Wilson attributes his good health to Recovery Water, a purported supplement drink packed with so many electrolytes it’s a wonder it isn’t named Brawndo. According to its official media, Recovery Water “enables your cells to process at a higher level,” in much the same way that downloading all that porn spyware really will give you a bigger pen15.

Quoth the water:

Created from patented technology and resulting from years of scientific research, Recovery Water has been proven to support your body’s natural restoration process.

Regular hydration with Recovery Water enables cells to process at a higher level. Stronger cellular function will reduce physical stress, accelerate recovery, and strengthen your body’s core activities. Your results are personal, individual and backed by proven science.**

It’s the double asterisk they use every time they say “proven science” that gives it that doubly trustworthy feeling.

Recovery Water came up in Wilson’s recovery in the course of an interview with Rolling Stone in which the quarterback decided that this was a friendly enough news source to push his latest investment:

Wilson is an investor in Reliant Recovery Water, a $3-per-bottle concoction with nanobubbles and electrolytes that purportedly helps people recover quickly from workouts and, according to Wilson, injury. He mentions a teammate whose knee healed miraculously, and then he shares his own testimonial.

“I banged my head during the Packers game in the playoffs, and the next day I was fine,” says Wilson. “It was the water.”

Rodgers [Wilson’s agent] offers a hasty interjection. “Well, we’re not saying we have real medical proof.”

But Wilson shakes his head, energized by the subject. He speaks with an evangelist’s zeal.

“I know it works.” His eyes brighten. “Soon you’re going to be able to order it straight from Amazon.”

Oh goodie; that means we can order our magic injury water alongside our orders of Bic for Her lady pens and bulk boxes of adult diapers (for our elderly parents, we swear).

Wilson has since tried to walk back his crazy comments by claiming he didn’t actually have a concussion, and thus he’s not explicitly saying the Recovery Water can fix a brain hemorrhage, but then he made the fatal mistake of trying to clarify without his publicist present. Quote Wilson:

“I didn’t have a head injury, but what I was trying to say is I think it helped prevent it,” he said. “I think your brain consists of like 75, 80 percent water, so I think that just being hydrated, drinking the recovery water really does help.”

Drink Recovery Water: it will prevent your brain from bleeding. That’s proven by science**

**This statement has not been evaluated by the FDA, the CDC, or the NAMBLA.

Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum

  • Remember when Yr Wonkette said that those Planned Parenthood sting videos were full of bunkum, and then some super science came out that proved they really were full of bunkum? Super weird coincidence, huh?
  • Man who believes exorcisms are real would like to remind President Obungle to stick to the facts on climate change.
  • Though the Terminator universe was successfully averted with the relatively apocalypse-free advent of The Nineties, we must be ever vigilant that we do not allow our machines to become sentient enough that they can start making their own dating profiles. Today Ashley Madison, tomorrow Skynet Singles.
  • Let’s dive into the kinky world of sinfully naughty Christian sex rehab with our old friend Josh the Duggar.
  • George Orwell once wrote that the first step toward Big Brother was the introduction of (sorta) gender neutral pronouns into the course materials at one public university in Tennessee. Probably.
  • Illinois Catholic Bishops have decided to protect the innocent school children of their state from police protection the sodomite hordes by kicking out basically everyone who isn’t the Pope.
  • Ugggggghhh. Great. One more thing for your stoner roommate to talk about endlessly for days. THANKS, SCIENCE.

[Naturopathic Diaries / Daily Finance / QuackWatch / Forbes / The Daily Beast / Pro Football Talk / Rolling Stone / Recovery Water / ESPN]

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  • Shartiblartfat

    Okay, I can buy into the notion that Donald Trump does NOT wear a wig; but it remains obvious to everyone that his “hair arrangement” is one of the most inelegant and sad comb overs there ever was. Give it a rest, Mr. Trump, and shave your goddamned head!

    • I think he has to replace the flannel moth caterpillars with a new ones every month or so.

      • Shartiblartfat

        FUNNY FLAG!

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    “Back in ’09, Trump bought himself a shiny new company called Ideal Health Inc., then immediately rubbed his taint on it by renaming it The Trump Network.”

    OK, but his university is legit, isn’t it?

  • ManchuCandidate

    Trump Network: A “classier” Amway with a bad toupee.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Not, you can’t get away with that. As soon as Gerald Ford (R-Grand Rapids) became president he made the FBI investigate Amway and, after an exhaustive six-month investigation the FBI proved that AMWAY IS NOT A PYRAMID SCHEME!!!!!

      • ManchuCandidate

        Correction: Amway is not an illegal pyramid scheme. It is a legal one.

  • VandeGraf

    Are you intimating that Donald Trump is the pointed head at the top of the pyramid system?

    • jmk

      Maybe that’s why he combs his hair that way…

    • FeloniousMonk

      I now have a mental image of the Great Seal with the Eye of Providence relaced by that thing on Trump’s head. I think it will take several beers to make it go away.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Which of these trolls is more disturbing? (HINT: the short-fingered vulgarian on the left)

  • ManchuCandidate

    http://www.korkedbats.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/01/Marshawn-Lynch-crotch-grab.jpg

    Marshawn Lynch’s reaction is how I feel about Russell Wilson’s fake ass Trump like brain protection juice.

  • Charles Cates

    Diogenes* would wander for years with his lamp, looking for an honest man, in America.

    *Plutarch says that Chrysippus praised Diogenes for masturbating himself
    in the middle of the marketplace, and for saying to the bystanders:
    ‘Would to Heaven that by rubbing my stomach in the same fashion, I could
    satisfy my hunger.’

  • VandeGraf

    Apparently we should question the veracity of Doctor Whizbang when he holds forth on Dr Whizbang’s Tonic Liniment and General Panacea, “One bottle, guaranteed to burn a hole right through your malady.” I

    • Jared James

      “Or you can buy the New Improved Extra-Strength Dr Whizbang’s Tonic Liniment and Snake-Oil Tincture, guaranteed to burn a hole through your bank big enough for all the burdensome, stress-enhancing money to pour right out the bottom.”

  • nightmoth

    Troll doll–perfect–I had one of those–I knew Trump reminded me of something other than the steaming pile of what we usually call him.
    Except my troll doll was cute: Trump not so much.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I suspect the Donald is also as anatomically correct as a troll doll.

  • doktorzoom

    Donald Trump ran a nutritional-supplement pyramid scheme? The douche you say!

    • willi0000000

      it comes with a free serving trey.

      [ i’ll just shuffle off now ]

    • memzilla

      He also makes women’s products: Trumpons®.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        Is that for when I bleed from my wherevers?

        • memzilla

          It’s when you need something that swells up as big as Donald Trump’s ego and sucks just as much.

        • HeywoodJablomey

          Why yes. Yes it is.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            I hope that was soaked in vodka first!

    • HeywoodJablomey

      Really, Donald? A simple pyramid scheme to fleece the rubes? Fuckin’ rookie move! What a yoooge pathetic loser. I thought you were better than that. No I didn’t.

  • Vienna Woods

    Ah yes, ACN. The company that my former hairdresser got into. That’s why she’s my former hairdresser.

  • Antimassacree

    Can’t wait for President Trump to name Kevin Trudeau to the dual appointment of head of the FTC and head of HHS. Trump! can then repeal Obummercare because we will have access to all the cures THEY don’t want us to have PLUS vitamin piss cures.

    • “vitamin piss cure”

      Great punk band name.

    • jviscont1

      with friends like Kevin, who needs enemas?

  • Step right up! it’s only a dollar, step right up./…

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ByomIJf5n9w

    • Jaime Oria

      It “wins the election” ?! Lettuce pray ol’ Tom is no kind of prophet when it comes to The Trump’s political ambitions.

  • Skwerl King

    I heart Brawndo… If I didn’t like Powerthirst so much I’d drink you.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t-3qncy5Qfk

  • ryp

    “nanobubbles” ?

    That’s one of those gullibility level test words right?

    • eggsacklywright

      Nanobubbles were invented by Don Ho.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        And you beat me to it, to my eternal shame.

        • eggsacklywright

          It’s a vicious game innit?

          • Mehmeisterjr

            It’s like “The Hunger Games” only played with dick jokes.

    • Doug Langley

      “We are the Trump. Your money will be assimilated. Resistance is futile.”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      “Nanobubbles” was the B side of Do Ho’s greatest hit.

      EDIT: Shit, I shoulda read down a few messages.

      Maybe nanobubbles are what a tiny stripper uses in her stage act.

  • schmannity

    So, does Recovery Water make you pass from the one-yard line with 20 seconds left to win the Super Bowl instead of running 36 inches? Recovery Water: now with Dilaudid!!

    • Donald E Niman

      The only thing Recovery Water makes you pass is water.
      ‘struth.

  • memzilla

    REVEALED! The Shampoo Donald Trump uses.
    .

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Are those nipples?

      • memzilla

        Would you like them to be nipples?

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Honestly, yes I would like them to be nipples.

  • Bill Slider

    But, but, The Donald’s favorite book is The Bible. So, it’s all good, right?

    • Grokenstein

      Jeebus: “Go forth and spread My word.”
      UnrealDonald: “I can’t tell you my favorite Bible quote, it’s too personal.”

      • Doug Langley

        But Huckabee’s phone number is no problem.

      • Bill Slider

        I wonder if The Donald realizes the potential number of Wonkette inspired Trump fans who gladly would give of our time to develop a list of favorite Bible quotes for The Donald?

        • H0mer0

          “Better it is, to be of an humble spirit with the lowly, than to divide the spoil with the proud…”
          (I’m not a Xtian except by injection)

  • “process at a higher level”

    Sweet Dobbs…what does that even mean?

    • willi0000000

      meth lab in a high-rise?

    • fka_donnie_d

      It means stfu and give him money

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    This medicine is so powerful it will not only regrow your hair, your hair will evolve into a sentient marmot-like creature and burrow deep into your brain until you’re so damaged and incompetent the only job you’re qualified for is Republican Presidential candidate.

    • willi0000000

      grows hair and nails, increases vitality . . . sounds like it works best under a full moon.

      • Fly

        Worlds strongest placebo.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Just look how it improved Michael J. Fox’s basketball skills.

    • eggsacklywright

      ♫ The stuff we sell is just the best
      Passing all consumer tests, oh-ho
      Days of heaven, nights of sin
      Voodoo stick and shark’s fin
      When all around you seems like hell
      Just one sip will make you well, oh-ho
      Multi-purpose in a jar
      If you ain’t ill it’ll fix your car
      In days of yore, for all bad feelings
      Washing socks and stripping ceilings
      Nowadays, it’s used medicinally
      For all known human malady ♫

    • Donald E Niman

      Fukashima Rogain;TM&

  • memzilla

    It’s the double asterisk they use every time they say “proven science” that gives it that doubly trustworthy feeling.

    ** This product is meant for educational purposes only. No other warranty expressed or implied. Do not use while operating a motor vehicle or heavy equipment. Postage will be paid by addressee. Subject to CAB approval. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead is purely coincidental. Void where prohibited. Some assembly required. List each check separately by banknumber. Batteries not included. Contents may settle during shipment. Use only as directed. This is not an offer to sell securities. Apply only to affected area. May be too intense for some viewers. Do not stamp. Use other side for additional listings. For recreational use only. Do not disturb. All models over 18 years of age. Not for sale to minors. If condition persists, consult your physician. No user-serviceable parts inside. Freshest if eaten before date on carton. Subject to change without notice. Times approximate. Simulated picture. No postage necessary if mailed in the United States. Breaking seal constitutes acceptance of agreement. For off-road use only. As seen on TV. One size fits all. Many suitcases look alike. Contains a substantial amount of non-tobacco ingredients. Colors may, in time, fade. We have sent the forms which seem to be right for you. Slippery when wet. Objects may be closer than they appear. For office use only. Not affiliated with the American Red Cross. Drop in any mailbox. Edited for television. Results not typical. Keep cool; process promptly. Post office will not deliver without postage. List was current at time of printing. Return to sender, no forwarding order on file, unable to forward. Not responsible for direct, indirect, incidental or consequential damages resulting from any defect, error or failure to perform. At participating locations only. Not the Beatles. Penalty for private use. See label for sequence. Substantial penalty for early withdrawal. Do not write below this line. Falling rock. Lost ticket pays maximum rate. Your cancelled check is your receipt. Add toner. Place stamp here. Avoid contact with skin. Sanitized for your protection. Be sure each item is properly endorsed. Sign here without admitting guilt. Slightly higher west of the Mississippi. Employees and their families are not eligible. Opinions expressed are not necessarily those of management. Beware of dog. Contestants have been briefed on some questions before the show. Limited time offer, call now to insure prompt delivery. You must be present to win. No passes accepted for this engagement. No purchase necessary. Processed at location stamped in code at top of carton. Shading within a garment may occur. Use only in well‐ventilated area. Keep away from fire or flame. Replace with same type. Approved for veterans. Booths for two or more. Check here if tax deductible. Some equipment shown is optional. Price does not include taxes. No Canadian coins. Not recommended for children. Prerecorded for this time zone. Reproduction strictly prohibited. No solicitors. No alcohol, dogs, or horses. No anchovies unless otherwise specified. Restaurant package, not for resale. List at least two alternate dates. First pull up, then pull down. Call toll free before digging. Driver does not carry cash. Some of the trademarks mentioned in this product appear for identification purposes only. Record additional transactions on back of previous stub.

    This supersedes all previous notices.

    • Helena Handbag

      …professional stunt driver (commenter) performing on a closed track(where comments not permitted)
      Do not try this at home.

    • willi0000000

      you’ve bee reading the EULAs again . . . we warned you about that.

    • HeywoodJablomey
    • Land Shark

      Do not taunt Happy Fun Ball.

      • H0mer0

        as opposed to taunting the Happy Fun Tiger

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Your results may vary. No photos, videos, or recordings allowed. Keep arms and hands inside. You must be this tall to ride. Warning: slippery when wet. Do not feed the animals. One per customer. Limit: 10. This page intentionally left blank.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    “the Super Bowl, which is when you toss two sportballs together in a giant mixing bowl and squirt on some lemon juice with a dash of cilantro we bet.”

    That’s the Fiesta Bowl, sponsored by Tostados (not kidding)

  • shastakoala

    I see a vice presidential nomination in Mr Wilson’s future.

    • sw19womble

      RUB SOME DIRT ON IT LIBEL!!!

  • Grokenstein

    relieved symptoms of fibromyalgia; improved irritable bowel; stopped them from having colds; improved digestion; stopped hair loss; stopped acne breakouts; caused nails and hair to grow faster; increased their energy, increased sex drive; improved memory; relieved aches and pains; improved their appearance; reduced stress levels; drastically decreased their allergies; lowered their blood cholesterol levels; improved sleep; and healed fractures more quickly

    Ah, but does it work on horsentery or cure the Clydesdale fur-blight?

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7Gyp164Cgc

    • Anarchy Pony

      At least Flim and Flam can sing.

  • TheBidenator

    I think we just solved who’ll be Trump’s HHS secretary: Kevin Trudeau, although even Kevin Trudeau might turn his nose up at working for such an obvious scam artist…

    • Vegan and Tiara

      They don’t want you to know who is going to be HHS secretary, but for just two low payments of $19.95 I’ll show you these two secrets that will allow you to be the HHS secretary. But wait, there’s more! You’ll also get a revenge makeover at no extra charge!

  • Charles Cates
    • Vecciojohn

      It’s a mercy the poor old fellow isn’t alive to see how low the family has sunk.

  • TheBidenator

    It makes sense, the Republican Party itself is pretty much a giant pyramid scheme run by flim flammers…

    • Antimassacree

      So many rubes, so little time. Gotta fleece ’em all!

  • Bill Slider

    Furthermore, whereas, and maybe, Governor Christie announced Saturday night his plan for deporting the 40%, his number, of illegals who simply forgot to self-deport themselves when their legal visas expired. When he becomes President, he stated he will appoint the head of FedEx to work out the details, so we can track these people just like FedEx tracks packages. No doubt his Jewish friends, he must have them, since he is from New Jersey, will gladly advise President Christie on where best to place these barcode tattoos.
    I wonder if he realizes that this would work for the olds as well. When we sign up for our Social Security checks, just have the Death Panels give us a body barcode tattoo, so they can keep track of us and let us know when our time is up.

    • HeywoodJablomey

      Typical Republican, privatizing our illeagals roundup. Sheesh.

    • natoslug

      So Christie’s stealing ideas from Rick Perry now? That sounds like a winning campaign strategy. Although to be fair, Perry was going to use UPS, not FedEx, so maybe it counts as a brand new idea, totally different. If he ever reads or watches “Logan’s Run” he’ll probably add your OldzCode idea as well.

      • marxalot

        I’d be happier with UPS. I have professional knowledge of how many of their shipments go missing.

        • FeloniousMonk

          Plus they have brown shirts.

    • sw19womble

      Surely Amtrak would be more suitable for transporting the illegals?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Nah, that would involve public transit. Surely a private contractor would better provide the cattle cars.

      • bozilingus

        Having ridden Amtrak, it would be more humane to use cattle cars than coach.

    • gene108

      Tattoos would not be sufficient. You will need to implant RFID chips into people and saturate America with RFID readers. It is the 21st century after all.

      I think the head of EZ-PASS would be a better hire than the head of FedEx in that case.

    • Doug Langley

      So Crispy Creme thinks that FedEx is competent enough to work this out. Well, I once worked at FedEx. Wanna take a stab at why UPS has triple their market share?

    • eddi

      A simple mark on the forehead and hands will do.

  • DerrickWildcat
  • Callyson

    two months of instant snacks can lose you some 20 pounds in two months just by sitting on your butt, preparing your own meals, and munching on dehydrated flavor packets that cost about $1,325

    Jesus, you can do that for a fraction of the cost by getting off your butt (exercise), preparing your own meals (made from real food), and munching on a balanced diet that tastes better than whatever crappy supplements The Donald was pushing. And did I mention that you could do this at a fraction of that $1325 price tag?

    • natoslug

      It still comes out to about the same amount of money for me, but that may be due to me considering beer and whiskey to be the bases of the food pyramid.

      • Suttree

        I consider cheese to be the base, with various boozes making up the rest.

        • eggsacklywright

          That’s the spirit.

          • Good_Gawd_Yall

            ISWYDT

    • natoslug

      Does running to the liquor store count as exercise?

      • Donna Rail

        Yes.

      • Rick Hill

        When Amazon delivers?

    • Anarchy Pony

      But that’s really haaaaaaaaaaard. And I wanna be thin noooooooooooowwww.

    • Suttree

      For that kind of money you could go on a cocaine diet.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Speaking of illegal immigrants, Donald Drumpf’s grandfather was deported from Germany after returning to dodge taxes and military service. Well, I never.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Does Recovery Water also have the endorsement of Alcoholics Anonymous?

  • A Grumpy Cat

    Trump’s former pyramid scheme “health” company also sells makeup, including lip gloss that, in preview pictures, due to a lack of keeping the aspect ratio while resizing, looks like dildos.

    • 24601

      HA! Trump was an Avon Lady.

      • A Grumpy Cat

        My favorite part is how the lip glosses have stripper names.

        • 24601

          Trump is definitely using “Galaxy” on his vagina mouth.

  • Callyson

    I think your brain consists of like 75, 80 percent water, so I think that just being hydrated, drinking the recovery water really does help.

    You know what else really does help your brain?

    • YayConspiracy

      Using it?

    • sw19womble

      The ‘nutcracker’ football drill?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Fish?

    • Jaime Oria

      A goat gland implantation from Dr.Brinkley?

    • jviscont1

      Lumosity and vodka?

    • jmk

      Not routinely smashing the skull that encases it against large individuals?

  • Bill Slider

    As no snakeoil bulletin would be complete without a comment on The Sarah interview of The Donald, I offer the obvious low-hanging fruit. The next time The Sarah chooses to interview The Donald, and she wants to really impress The Donald with her vast knowledge of The French, I hope she chooses a better French phrase, like Trumpe (sic) l’oeil.

    • natoslug

      Given the fluffing she provided him during the interview, her next phrase will likely be ménages à trois.

      • YayConspiracy

        Donald, est-ce que nous jouons de soixante-neuf?
        (Translation: Let me fry your caribou.)

        • Jaime Oria

          (Alt. translation: My nipples explode with delight!)

        • natoslug

          mmmmm . . . beer-battered deep fried bacon-wrapped caribou on a stick . . . coming to a state fair near you (next year). I just hope they can get the whole caribou on the stick in one piece.

          • YayConspiracy

            No, not another rick-perry-michele-bachman-rick-santorum picture of a dick or bitch with something larger than he or she can swallow in his mouth…

        • H0mer0

          Is that what they call it up there? (I don’t think SP speaks ze French)

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Well she sure as hell doesn’t speak English. I think she speaks some kind of caribou language.

          • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

            Caribou are gengenerally laconic, saving speech for important stuff. “Wolves!” “Hunter!” “Bugger off, that’s my moss.”

      • 24601

        I loved how he just cut her off at the end while she was still gushing over his graciousness for granting her an interview and he basically shut her down and said, “You’re money’s on the dresser”.

      • Suttree

        You didn’t have to bring Brizdull into this already abhorrent display of reach around.

    • HeywoodJablomey

      Speaking of The Interview of the Century- I was rummaging around the ‘net trying to find out what dumb things Cruz and Bush had said during their interviews (DNW to actually have to watch them), and I found myself at The Blaze. I know you should never read the comments, but I read the comments. The peasants are revolting! Turning on each other and starting to eat their young. Could my dream of the Republican Party Implosion™ come true?
      http://www.theblaze.com/stories/2015/08/29/the-interview-between-sarah-palin-and-donald-trump-some-say-was-inane-and-bonkers/

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        A good time to invest in torch and pitchfork futures?

        • natoslug

          Don’t forget your feathers and hot tar, half off for a limited time only!

        • HeywoodJablomey

          No prob. Wingnut squabbling brings me, uh… pleasure. Actually made me a little tingly in my naked parts.

      • Land Shark

        I get linkbait, but come one, Blaze. Now you’re stretching into blatant anti-Trump propaganda? I thought the truth was supposed to live here.

        The derp runs deep there ….

    • bozilingus

      Tete du merde

    • HeywoodJablomey

      Under the hair, there’s no there, there.

    • eddi

      Was Sarah fondling low hanging fruit under the table?

  • YayConspiracy

    The GCW (Great Classy Wall (TM)) will actually be a pyramid?

  • BMW

    Donald Trump: For people who think Mitt Romney’s business practices weren’t quite shady enough…

  • Anarchy Pony

    So much:

    • eddi

      A thousand works well spoken.

  • Vienna Woods
    • natoslug

      He has a point. We might’ve avoided both Justin Bieber and Ted Cruz if only we’d had a northern wall.

      • Vienna Woods

        Poor Nickleback. Even beaten out in egregiousness.

        • natoslug

          Maybe it’s a survival instinct, but I always forget Nickleback.

    • HeywoodJablomey

      So he wants to deprive me of the right to flee to the Canadian Tundra as a political refugee? Thanks Obama.

    • marxalot

      At least he seems to know Canada exists, unlike some people, who are obsessed with our Southern Neighbor.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      “That is a legitimate issue for us to look at,” Walker said Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press.”

      A legitimate issue to look at? What kind of pansy-ass talk is that? You’re a looooser, Scott Walker. The Donald would build that wall and it would be yooge and he would make the goddam cannuckers pay for it. In American dollars. With Bible verses written on it, but don’t ask which ones.

      • eddi

        You can smell the fear and flop sweat right through the TV screen.

    • gene108

      I have long wanted to build a giant huge mountain range sized wall on our northern border, so we can keep Canada from sending us so much cold Arctic air in winter.

      They can keep their cold fronts and quit importing it to us. TYVM.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Oh he is just pissy that all the canadians vote democrat.

    • John Smith

      For some reason, the phrase “securing the homeland” always puts me off my food.

      It’s ironic; the GOP beautifies St. Ronnie for defeating communism and tearing down the Berlin Wall. 20 years later, they are now in the wall building business.

  • Rick Hill

    Why do you people still cast aspersions about this man? Trump is a national treasure! We should be working to make a day honoring this man, though it would not involve having a day off, rather working without pay on a Saturday or something…but I digress. You should be ashamed at yourselves!

    Shame….
    Shame….

    Also, you don’t tell us if we can still find his fabulous method to make a fortune, is it still out there but under a new name? Where is it? Show me the moneytree!!1

  • Anarchy Pony

    Needz moar Nigel West Dickens.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I expect $arah will be awarded an honorary Ph.D and granted professor emeritus status at Trump’s fake-ass Grifter University.

  • jviscont1

    enough of this free Spirit talk.
    – the estate trustees of Randy California (PBUH).

  • Anarchy Pony
  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Russell Wilson hails from Richmond, VA, so he’s just taking a page out of Bob McDonnell’s playbook.

    • jmk

      The sad thing is that I imagine the Russell Wilson really believes this baloney, like those guys who think that wearing the right socks and putting a breathe-strip across their noses improves their game.

      • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

        Well, if you don’t believe, it definitely won’t work . . .

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Hey now…$arah assured us that his “heart has always been with the working class”. I read that for a second time after work yesterday just so I could see what it felt like to blow an expensive Belgian Trippel out of my nose.

  • Shibusa

    If only there were a way to earn Infinity Bonuses by posting snark on line.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      But there is. If you are a First-snarker, you receive snark bonuses for each snark in the thread. That can add up to millions of snarks, groaner puns and dick jokes. The catch is that you are paid in bit snarks,

      • cousin itt

        You know who else earns First-snarker bonuses for posting “You know who else” lines?

        • Mehmeisterjr

          First-Hitler?

  • actor212

    Donnie, I’ll trade: you teach me how to rip people off shamelessly make money hand over fist, and I’ll show you how to fuck your wife properly.

    • HeywoodJablomey
    • 24601

      That would require his wife to be a willing participant, which studies have proven, as with speaking English, is not a thing for Trump wives.

      • actor212

        That’s with the Donald. I’m sure I’ll stand a better chance.

        • 24601

          Oh! I misread that! Or you edited it…either way, I’m sure she would welcome the change if you are a carbon-based life form under the age of 70. :o)

          • david green

            And just WHAT is wrong with 70?

          • 24601

            Um…why not a thing, Mr. Green. ;-)

  • Mehmeisterjr

    What happens to pyramid schemers? Well, let’s see:

    Per Wikipedia, Signore Carlo Pietro Giovanni Guglielmo Tebaldo Ponzi got 3 years in Canada 1908–1911; 5 years federal (served 3 and half years before facing state charge) 1920–1922; 9 years state 1927–1934; deportation in 1934.

    Ivar Kreuger, the Match King, committed suicide

    That’s just for starters. I begin to see how The Donald The Trump’s endgame will play out.

  • marxalot

    “Custom Essentials” sounds like the pricier back-to-dorm line at Target.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    ‘Twas The Donald’s Miracle Elixir,
    That’s what did the trick sir,
    True, sir, true,
    Was it quick, sir?
    Did it in a tick, sir?
    Just like an elixir ought to do.

    • DemmeFatale

      Try the Trump!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Send in The Donald.

    • marxalot

      What’s the sound of the world out there?

    • DemmeFatale

      The history of the world, my sweet
      Oh, Mr. Trump, ooh, Mr. Trump
      What does it tell?
      Is who gets eaten, and who gets to eat.

    • Hark, the herald Angels sing
      Donald’s Pills are just the thing.
      Peace on Earth and mercy mild
      Two for the man, one for the child.

  • 24601
    • Celtic_Gnome

      Okay, now that does make sense. And what a deal!

  • JeffWest

    Until he starts slandering disabled veterans, this’ll do…

    • HeywoodJablomey

      He likes his veterans to come home whole, okay. Not those disabled ones- they fucked up so they’re yoooge losers.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      If the librul media would just get off their asses, Trump has a history of bigoted and misogynistic rants that would shame Goebbels. Of course, they also tend to make him more beloved by the bumpkins in the provinces.

      • eddi

        Actually, the media has been digging these up to try to show what kind of monster Trump is. The Conservative media.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Can the dragon really be ready to eat it own tail?

          • eddi

            It all hinges on that third party run. Anything else the Rebs can recover from before the next midterms.

  • 24601
  • Logic of Color

    Incorrect. The local public house frowns deeply upon peeing in cups

    • FauxAntocles

      Sad story: my brother once got so drunk he whipped it out and peed on the bar floor. He’s been sober for 25+ years.

      • Wendel

        What was the problem?

        • david green

          Made the peanut shells soggy.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      If their like the public houses I hung out at in college, they either put the sink at shoulder level or outside the me’s room because they weren’t big on peeing in those either.

  • OneDemin EOr

    Man, that photo. Troll libel!

    • FauxAntocles

      Vitter lib– never mind.

  • motmelere

    Trump campaign: “We need to talk to you about something important.”
    America: “It’s not about Amway, is it?”

  • FauxAntocles

    OT: Just read that Walker thinks we should consider a wall along the Canadian border. Would that be to keep US citizens from fleeing if a GOTP candidate gets elected?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Yes, yes it would.
      And lolz at walker’s fear of those pesky canadians

      • gene108

        Canadians are a major threat to America. They may look like us, and sound like us, but they do not share our values.

        They never fought for their independence, they converted to the metric system and they are so damn polite.

        We must be ever vigilant against the Maple Menace to our North.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Maple Menace +500 points

          • Bitter Scribe

            From a Canadian comic whose name I wish I could remember:

            “Other countries have badass symbols. Bears, eagles, tigers. What do we have? A fucking maple leaf. How non-threatening can you get? ‘Man, don’t mess with us, or we’ll…dry up and blow away!'”

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Punkindrublic Jr. went to college in Canadistan. He said they love their cage fighting. Also too, don’t ever say “I can’t follow the action in hockey on television” unless you want to see that famous politeness melt in a heartbeat.

          • Bitter Scribe

            Why is the action in hockey hard to follow? Unless they mean “I can’t see the puck.” I couldn’t, either, until I finally started wearing glasses (just in time to see my beloved Blackhawks win the Stanley Cup).

          • Latverian Diplomat

            Not being able to see the puck is why they had that puck highlighting tech a while back (FoxTrax — I guess it was called.) It was not a success.

          • Bitter Scribe

            I might have been the only person in North America who liked that.

          • Vienna Woods

            We laughed and laughed.

          • sw19womble

            High Definition TV is your friend.

            Gary Bettman, not so much.

          • Vienna Woods

            Go Habs.

          • Wendel

            They are very sensitive about the fine sport of curling. One must regard it with awe.

          • david green

            I was amazed to see signs for “Curling Clubs” whilst in Canada. I guess everyone’s got to have a hobby, but Curling? .

    • JoeChristmas

      DEFEND THE NORTHERN :BORDER

      • FauxAntocles

        Oh, NOW it makes sense! Thanks!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Dear Scott,

      “Great idea, we were looking to add some more government construction dollars to the old bottom line, and roads and bridges are so over. Just be sure to leave some holes for the Alberta Tar Sands Oil to spill out of pass through.

      “Yours in evil
      “The Koch Brothers”

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        Alberta Tar Sands Oil tar to be diluted with horrible solvents and pumped at high pressure through aging pipelines spill out of pass through.
        FIFY

    • sw19womble

      WAR OF NORTHERN AGGRESSION LIBEL!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Can’t we just wall off Walker? It would be cheaper and do less violence to the scenery.

  • doktorzoom

    You may have thought that you saw Dear Shitferbrains on the front page for a moment, but you didn’t. It’s not like anyone accidentally clicked “publish” and then reverted the piece to draft status. Be quiet; the page cache will catch up to this comment in a minute or two.

    This never happened. Just like Mouse said.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      First it was the comments that didn’t exist, and then the articles followed suit. At least we’ll always have the sidebar links with that one weird trick.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        First they came for dearshitforbrains, and I did not say anything….

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          …then they came for the commenters, but we weren’t allowed to make any.

          • doktorzoom

            Shut, up, shut up, SHUT UP! Youse guys didden see NOTHIN’, capiche?

            Yeah, I’ll have the thing up pretty soon, is what I’m saying.

          • Anarchy Pony
          • Jen_Baker_VA

            My friend Tony the Pigeon once dun taught me that you never witness nothing

        • JoeChristmas

          Then they came with a blowtorch for my trucknuts.

    • JoeChristmas

      I’m having a gay panic meltdown!

    • cousin itt

      A premature postulation?

    • sw19womble

      He hee! Doktor Zoom gone banhammered himself by mistake! :P

  • HeywoodJablomey

    OT but awww dammit. RIP Oliver Sacks.

    • bozilingus

      I once mistook one of his books for a doorstop.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        That’s nothing. Josh Duggar mistook a hooker for one of his sisters.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Interesting writer. I especially liked his recent New Yorker piece on getting heavily into the drugs.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Maybe if he put some snake oil on his hair it wouldn’t do that.

  • Takoma DC

    Dear Wonkette, With all the many Needful Things in the world. Would you consider not advertising Ivanka Trump’s “fashion line”? Thank you.

    • eddi

      Not their fault. Robo-ad placement triggered by names and other words. Savory the irony of financing the site on Trump monies, however remote and tiny.

      • Takoma DC

        Of course. My plea was a joke. Jeesh!

        • eddi

          So was my response. You just gave me an excuse to Trumpet. Apologies if I offended.

  • Takoma DC

    But of course PrivaTest works! Look at Mr.Trump’s beautiful golden locks, gorgeous glowing skin, svelte strong build…..do you still doubt its awesome power?!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      He is a veritable Adonaldis.

      • eddi

        Analdonis.

  • HeywoodJablomey
    • sw19womble

      So, what Trump is actually saying is….

      • eddi

        As little as possible with as many trigger words as possible for filler.

      • HeywoodJablomey

        BUILD A YOOGE BYOOTYFUL WALL ACROSS CHINA!
        No, wait…

  • Helena Handbag

    Someone benghazied the shit fer brains column. I demand an investigation. Also too I want my money/country/young perky boobs back!!!!11!11

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      old floppy boobs are more fun. When your significant other person pisses you off, you can whallop them in the head, without raising a hand.

      • Squirrel_t_robot

        You can toss em over your shoulder, too!

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Can you tie em in a knot? Can you tie em in a bow?

          • Squirrel_t_robot

            Maybe in a year or so.

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            youngin

    • cousin itt

      This is somewhat embarrassing, isn’t it?

      It seems we can’t find what you’re looking for. Perhaps searching can help.

      Read more at http://wonkette.com/?p=593473#7gXKW0Ody8sBvCli.99

      Thanks, Obama!

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    ‘stronger cellular action’ quite often means cancer.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      ‘Mazin ain’t it?

      • Squirrel_t_robot

        Cells that never die but just keep replicating must be good!

        LOL

    • eggsacklywright

      It’s a bad guest that kills the host.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Growth for growth’s sake is the ideology of the cancer cell.

      Think about that when you read about some outfit called “Club for Growth”.

  • Squirrel_t_robot

    I am seeing far too many ads for Ivanka Trump’s clothing, ad elves.

    • FauxAntocles

      I thought the leather bag was a bustiere.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s due to the frequent use of “Trump” over the last two months. If “Hitler” were used as often, you’d be seeing ads for Hugo Boss Concentration Camp wear.

  • Last Hussar

    That water, is it found overground or underground? The contributor sounds a bit common to me.

    • sw19womble

      Fare La Volpe is merely making good use of the things that we find. :p

  • glennisw

    The Trump Network offers products that help make people healthier
    Well, there’s his health care policy.

    • JeffWest

      I prefer Jeb’s idea of replacing Obamacare with an Apple Watch.

  • Me not sure

    Earning sounds sooooo much better than ” Grifting until the scheme collapses.”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Donald Trump does Amway.

    Why am I not in the slightest surprised by this.

    Yet another example of someone exploiting the innumeracy of your average teaturd.

  • Zyxomma

    I was trained by a naturopathic doctor, through whom I’m certified in about a dozen holistic health disciplines. I sell NO products, make NO medical claims, and look down upon those who do as the scam artists they are. That said, a girlfriend sells Arbonne, and I wish her well.

  • Cismontane

    Trump needs to watch his back on the wingnut clownshow crazy side: fellow clown car passenger Scott Walker just proposed to one-up Trump’s Messican wall with a second, Canukistani one, ’cause how can any country be a superpower without having all of its land borders secured by fortifications?. http://www.cnn.com/2015/08/30/politics/scott-walker-northern-border-immigration-2016/index.html

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      You know, I seem to remember another country or two that built a big great classy wall to keep out undesirables.
      Wonder how it worked for them?

      • eddi

        The said undesireables took over the empire. Hell of a job Qin Shi.

    • D_C_Wilson

      France tried that once with the Maginot Line. It didn’t work out too well for them and their border with Germany is a fraction of ours with Canadia.

      • eddi

        To be fair, France failed to cover the entire border. They assumed the Germans would never be so rude as to invade Belgium again.

    • Zhu Bajie

      Put up walls at the Pacific and Atlantic coasts and we can be safe from the entire world (and vice versa). We’d have to sell or grant independence to Alaska/Hawaii.

    • eddi

      Weren’t we just making Canadian Wall jokes last week? Has Scott become a new Wonkette commentator? Or has his quest for relevance hit bottom?

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    Nanobubbles. I bet that is just the O2 usually present in most water. A molecule is pretty nano isn’t it?

  • Alex Grey
  • Celtic_Gnome

    Call me old fashioned, but I still like the tried and true pyramid grifty things like Amway.

  • Steverino247

    A fool and his brain are soon parted.

  • BeliTsari

    “Recovery water,” I know 850,000 folks around Pittsburgh, having this miracle cure pumped through their faucets, absolutely FREE, FREE, FREE!!! It’s certainly cured them of smoking & removed facial hair?

  • Angry_Cop

    “I didn’t have a head injury”

    He had a head injury.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    No one builds better pyramid schemes than Trump. They’re yooge and classy.

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