So Lame How CNN Won't Let Carly Fiorina Be President Already

Remember, you guys, when we guesstimated Carly Fiorina was notone of the hopping-so-mad second-tier Republican candidates who anonymously baby-cried to POLITICO that Fox News made them sit at the kids' table and not get to do real prime time debating with Donald Trump and the other grown-ups?

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Well, that sure was a stupid of us, because check it, Fiorina IS mad (even though she's like, "Nah, I'm not mad," but she totally is) that CNN is also saying she is not a real, for reals, presidential candidate and is not invited to the second debate, either, at the Altar of St. Zombie Reagan's Stanky Skunk Turd That Was Supposedly His Heart, in September:

Fiorina's campaign and supporters have pushed back hard on the CNN debate criteria, which was announced in May, because it includes many polls from before the first GOP debate, featuring the top 10 candidates in polling, on Aug. 6. [...]

But she probably wouldn’t make the top 10 debate stage under the CNN criteria.

“I guess I don't understand why media companies are deciding who Republicans primary voters hear from,” Fiorina said.

On the one hand, good point! Shouldn't anyone who has a T-shirt that says "Me 4 President!" get to participate in the presidential primary debates? But on the other hand, too bad, the rules are the rules, if you wanna be on that stage, maybe you should make more people like you so they say, "Yeah, the lady one," when they are interrupted by pollsters during dinner time.

Fiorina admits her campaign "is making a lot of noise" about her exclusion, but she says she's not angry about it or anything. However, Greta Van Susteren (the world's "most influential journalist," according to Sarah Palin, SNORT) thinks -- in a fair and balanced way, of course -- sheshould be angry, because UNFAIR!

I would be furious if I had, like, had a good showing, you know, on August sixth, like you did, and there has been a dramatic change in your numbers since August sixth -- I'd be furious.

The ladies agree that CNN should just change the rules, even though it is not allowed to change the rules, because some other rule says so, but Carly says that CNN should change the debate rules anyway, because her polling has dramaticallysoared from from 3 percent to almost double that! Clearly, in that case, the rules, whatever they are, should not apply.

But no matter, Carly is used to people thinking she sucks, it don't bother her none, shrug and whatevs, so she's going to keep talking about how she does NOT EITHER suck. She's "packing" the "VFW halls" and the "fire stations," and the voters are feeling the Fiorinamentum right now, yes they are. So take that, CNN, she's not quitting (or getting golden parachuted out of) this race any time soon. And she is going to keep talking about how awesome she was at Hewlett-Packard. Yes, please do that, it's HI-larious every time.

Plus, there was some "good news" this week, says Greta. Did you read about that guy, Tom Perkins, who said this week that it was a mistake for him and other HP board members to fire Fiorina when they fired her SO HARD? Now he thinks she was actually not that bad after all. What an endorsement!

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And yes, wedidread about that, and we haven't stopped laughing since. Make us laugh harder about it now, all over again, why don't ya, Carly?

Well, you know, Tom Perkins said that to me privately over five years ago, and I'm very gratified that he's saying it publicly now.

Awwww, nice of him to whisper his regrets into her ear quietly, off the record and on the down low, five years ago. Too bad he couldn't bring himself to say it publicly back in 2010, when Fiorina ran for Senate in California against Barbara Boxer, who double-digit beat her right in the demon sheep. It might have helped! (But not really.)

Now quick, before we go, say the thing, Carly, the thing we love hearing, the thing we never tire of hearing because of how LITERALLY INCREDIBLE it is to hear from your face, every single time:

I think my track record at Hewlett-Packard is crystal clear. I will run on it all day long.

Thanks. We needed that.

[ The Hill ]