Republicans Plotting To Take Away Your Freedom To Make America Great Again

It's not just a hat -- it's a plan!

Everyone knows the Demoncrat Party is the party of Latino vote frauding and election rigging -- usually with mind control. So here's a neat twist! This time, it's Republicans who want to rig the next election in a certain way, and that way is to keep the name DONALD J. TRUMP off their primary ballots:  

Amid mounting concerns about Donald Trump’s candidacy from the GOP establishment, Republican leaders in at least two states have found a way to make life a lot harder for him.

The Virginia and North Carolina parties are in discussions about implementing a new requirement for candidates to qualify for their primary ballots: that they pledge to support the Republican presidential nominee — and not run as a third-party candidate — in the general election.

This is all because Trump refused to promise, during the first GOP debate for first-tier losers, that he will not run as a third-party candidate if Republicans refuse to give him the nomination. Which, at this point, seems moot anyway, since Republicans LOVE LOVE LOVVVE! them some Donald Trump.

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The Republican geniuses behind this novel plan claim it's nothing personal, no hard feelings, they think Trump is terrific, really terrific -- it's just that they'd like him to promise he will not steal general election votes from eventual GOP nominee Jeb Rubio Walker.

Oh, did we say Republican geniuses? Because we meant Republican idiots. Let's pretend the Republican National Committee, whose approval is required, says "Sure, OK, why not?" and other states go along with it, and Republican voters across America don't even have the chance to vote for their first choice, Donald Trump, who is also their second choice, because they really want the D. Doesn't it seem more likely that Trump will say "Screw you guys!" and run as a third-party candidate? Thus, oh so ironically achieving the one thing they're trying to avoid. How very rain on your wedding day!

Ah, but what do we know? We are not Ken "The Cooch" Cuccinelli, the former Virginia attorney general and hateful anal fungus-flavored teabag who lost the gubernatorial race in 2013. So maybe we've got it all wrong.

It also seems terribly the-Republican-word-for-undemocratic and also un-American to deny True Patriot Republicans their god-given right to vote for the hero who will Make America Great Again! And how do we know he'll do that? It's on his hat. No, really, that's how we know:  

"We know his goal is to make America great again,” a woman said. “It’s on his hat. And we see it every time it’s on TV. Everything that he’s doing, there’s no doubt why he’s doing it: it’s to make America great again.”

That would be one of two dozen Trump supporters assembled by pollster Frank Luntz on Monday to tell him why they would gladly swallow Trump's splooge. They are MAD, bro, at all the dummies who've ruined America, whoever that is, dunno, Trump says they are dummies! And Trump's supporters are deeply in love with his a-hole brand, and also, they are a bunch of profoundly stupid racists. (Seriously, when you get the approving nod from former Klansman David Duke, you are, by definition, the preferred choice of racists.)

We sure do hope Republicans will refuse to stand for this blatant denial of the Republican-atic process and revolt against the GOP establishment who is so unwilling to accept that Donald Trump is the guy they want, the only guy they will accept, to Make America Great Again. Like it says on his hat.

[ POLITICO / TIME ]