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AND NOW YOU ARE GOING TO FIRE HIM.
AND NOW YOU ARE GOING TO FIRE HIM.

Maine Wonkers, AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE, we have a job for you! Your asshole governor, Paul LePage, you know who we’re talking about? Yeah him. So remember how he chicken-scrawled out a mean, poorly worded note to a constituent who wanted him to resign, essentially saying “I KNOW I ARE BUT WHAT IS YOU?” and then stuck the piece of official Maine Governor stationery down his pants and rubbed it around in the toilet paper-infected zone that probably spreads from his balls to his whatevers? Real dick move if you ask us, and VERY unbecoming of a man who wants to call himself the governor of the great state of Maine, which we hear is nice this time of year!

Well, GOOD NEWS! He says he’s willing to resign and send himself off to live on a farm with all the other governors what got dropped off at the pound, but unfortunately only four people have asked him to do so, and that’s just not enough:

Gov. LePage implied in a July 30 interview with WGAN radio that if enough Mainers personally ask him to resign from office, then he will.

When LePage was asked if he’s worried about an impeachment proceeding, he responded:

“If the people of Maine want me, I’ll do the job. If they don’t want me, just ask me to leave. You don’t have to impeach me… So far, I’ve only got four people write me that wanted me to resign.”

And this is where you come in, Maine Wonkette Operatives! First we need you to go door to door to every person in Maine and show them the letter we’re about to write for you just below. If they agree with it, they just need to fill in the blanks, sign it and send it and VOILA! — the shitbag governor from one of the less-desirable parts of hell is no longer your problem. Here is your form letter:

Dear Old Shitferbrains LePage:

I am a very nice Mainer named ______ and my favorite author is ______. I like long walks on the beach, and my astrological sign is _____. But know who’s not my favorite governor? YOU, YOU FUCKING SACK OF GOPHER FARTS. Here is why:

  • You are so stupid you don’t even know how to veto things, LOL.
  • No really, you are SO BAD AT IT.
  • Maybe you blackmailed somebody!
  • You’re a loathsome twat who will let poor kids starve, because you hate poor people so much.
  • No, you are A REALLY LOATHSOME TWAT when it comes to poors.
  • Oh and look at you, Mister Small Government Man, look how your manhood gets all threatened when one of Maine’s cities wants to pay higher minimum wages. Better swing your pathetic dick around!
  • Ew, remember what a swollen chlamydia rash you acted like toward that nice nurse, Kaci Hickox, when she was exposed to Ebola but didn’t have Ebola? It was like you wanted somebody to attack her, have you no soul?
  • You offended Stephen King and his lovely wife one time, by SAYING LIES about how they moved out of Maine to get away from high taxes, and they had to correct the record by CONTINUING TO LIVE IN MAINE?
  • Nobody needs a ninth reason, we have scientifically proven you are a leaking sac of pus on the grundle hole of an otherwise very nice state.

For these reasons and probably others that only you know, you should resign the office of Maine governor right now, do not pass go, don’t even go to jail ’cause we don’t want to feed your ass, JUST FUCK OFF.

Love,

Carol (or whatever your “Maine” name is. “Bruce” is fine, if that’s your name. Just pick one, Christ.)

So there’s your letter. That is how you solve a problem like Gov. LePage. GET TO WORK, MAINE WONKETTE OPERATIVES. We need like 600,000 of these on LePage’s desk by Monday!

[Bangor Daily News]

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  • Maine Wonkers, AND YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE…

    So does Ashley Madison.

    • MsAnthropesMr

      and the NSA.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        Difficult to say which has better security.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          NSA has awesomeness security. Pentegon….not so much

    • Vecciojohn

      And now so does everyone. He lamented.

  • dslindc

    Is a Maine name like a porn name?

    • LarryHoudini

      Hmm, they’re a little different. My porn name is Blaze Wall but my Maine name is Bruce Lobstercock.

      • Viva La Tabula Raza

        Lobstercock? Now I feel like I need to scratch my nuts.

      • MrBlobfish

        You get that thing away from me right now

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Just drop it in boiling water…

        • Playonwords

          It’s not what it looks like, they’re what he finds on it; at least he calls them lobsters

          • Blank Ron

            TEENY, TINY lobsters.

      • deanbooth

        Got Tail?

      • SnarkTank

        Funnily enough, both my porn name and Maine name are the same: Princess Consuela Bananahammock. Which is odd, because I am not a woman (and definitely not as blonde as Lisa Kudrow).

        • LarryHoudini

          Oh, so you grew up on Bananahammock Street. Do you know the Adabos?
          I went to school with Judy Adabo.

          • SnarkTank

            No, it was Bananahammock Blvd. Just past Thong Rd.

  • Antimassacree

    Went to one of the Maine Township high schools in Illinois (but not the one Hillary attended in tony Park Ridge). I bet LePage won’t notice the difference.

    • gedjcj

      “I bet LePage won’t notice understand the difference.”

      /FTFY

  • Ryan Denniston

    But but but… He and Jerry Brown are the two progressive bright spots of 2015. Of course, LePage is on the list cause he’s a moron and can’t learn.

  • Lizzietish81

    Damn, my grandmother moved out ten years ago.

    And she totally would have done this.

  • Lizzietish81

    I am going to Maine next week, but I’m one of dem big city folks, so no one is likely to listen.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Outside agitator!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Camping with the hippies?

      • Lizzietish81

        No, I skipped that this year, they managed to piss me off enough last summer.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Imagine that…

          • Lizzietish81

            Plus the trench foot.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            There’s an old joke about where you hide your money when Deadheads come to crash at your house. Under the soap. I’ll show myself out…

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            And I used to like you.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Aw, c’mon.

    • MrBlobfish

      I’m surprised I’ve never been. It looks beautiful and I want to see puffins. A friend’s parents moved up there and they love it.

      • AntiDerpomeme

        It really is pretty country, especially along the coast. Visit!

        • SpideySenser

          It is pretty! We’re inland camp-on-the-lake people, over near Sebago. Quite nice.

      • Lizzietish81

        Last summer we went whale watching from Portland, I was sea sick so missed the Fin back that came right up to the boat (because we were getting too close to her calf) but I did see the dolphins jumping around the ship.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        I spent nearly a year there during my boatbuilding phase several decades ago. A different cultural experience, to say the least, for a kid from AZ, but insanely beautiful.

      • Blank Ron

        I’ve been there. I think I was six, and all I remember is my father’s 58 Mercury (the one with the 420 Lincoln motor) getting rear-ended when he pulled out of a parking lot on the way home. The pictures looked nice, though.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      “Straphangers” is the Deer Isle locals’ description, if I recall.

      • essbird

        A straphanger is anyone who lives south of Portland.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          For the hardcore Mainer locals I knew, it was anybody that lived across the Deer Isle bridge.

          • essbird

            I’m interested where you got your boat learnin’. Mine was in Lubec, 1976. Were you Apprenticeshop perhaps?

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I’ve been to the Apprentice Shop and hung with some of the folks there a bit, but no. Long story, but I knew a group that were rebuilding a large schooner, and got in on the job…Stonington. Also got to know the Pride of Baltimore gang and did a lot of work in Balto and eastern shore MD. Tell me about your experience in Lubec…that’s waayyy down east, no?

          • essbird

            PoB Mate was my next door neighbor. Burtis, prob after your time. Lubec was the Voc Tech. Easternmost point. Good program geared toward commerce, not so much romance. Still well populated with good hippies.

          • essbird

            Bath or Rockland A-shop? The guy who started both is a friend. In fact, his wife and mine are off together this weekend. Interesting guy. I mostly did repairs in Freeport. I got tired of being poor, went into marine electronics, then computers.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Wise choice. I’ve stayed with the “artisan” thing and have to hustle to have two nickels to rub together. Do you still live in Maine?

    • sillybill

      lobster rolls!

  • Bert says, “C’mahn ya Mainahs… it’s tahm ta cut tha bastige loose…”

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p6V2Ew1M0sE

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Aw, I miss that crazy Maine accent.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Ayup.

      • SpideySenser

        Yah cayhn’t get thar from har.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Rally, lobster bake, and bingo today at Moody’s Diner.

      • Crunkle

        Put your coffee brandy and milk in the cupholder of your F150 and head on down Route 1!

        • ..and a lobster roll at Reds Eats en route to Damariscotta (to wash a few cold one’s down).

          • Crunkle

            Lines are too goddamn long. Stupid tourists!

  • OneYieldRegular

    Palin/LePage 2016-18!

  • FauxAntocles

    Brilliantly written, yet in a language he’ll understand!

  • MsAnthropesMr

    So four people wrote him to get him to resign? Ain’t that half the population of Maine?

  • MrBlobfish

    But when is enough really enough for Gov. Jerkass?

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …if I was a Mainer, I would write “Dear Governor LePage,” on the top of a sheet of paper that I wiped my ass with and then mail it to him

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      I was thinking of running for governor, but before I do that, could you please tell me which state you live in?

    • Ryan Denniston

      I would write “Dear shit fer brains”

  • AntiDerpomeme

    GET TO WORK, MAINE WONKETTE OPERATIVES. We need like 600,000 of these on LePage’s desk by Monday!

    This is totally do-able. There are 1.33 million Maine residents, so that works out to a bit less than 50% of the population. 600K is also roughly the population of Vermont, so you could just go next door ’cause I’m sure 100% of those crunchy Vermonters would sign such a document and LePage is dumb enough not to know the difference.

    • Rick Hill

      Going to have to dig out my old ACORN voting kit to be able to change my residency and pop off 5k letters but it’s doable

      • Blank Ron

        Got a spare? Maine’s one of the few states I DON”T know somebody from.

  • lucidamente

    Also, too, going forward, maybe Mainers could stop splitting the Democratic vote in three-candidate elections, or institute a run-off system to avoid nonsense like this in the future.

  • Lizzietish81

    Maine is an interesting place, I’ve been going up there for camping since I was born (literally, I was weeks old and my parents were like “oh we’re still going up there” and it was stupid hot and the milk went bad and my sister, who was 9 at the time was trapped between an upset newborn and a toddler, I’m told it was hell)

    ANYWAYS, my grandfather lived there for years, fueling my belief that he and my grandmother were divorced, since she lived in MA with her mother. Apparently though Maine was as close as he could get to the Holy Land (Nova Scotia) and still remained married. After my great grandmother died (like a bad ass 98 year old ninja) my grandmother lived up in Maine with him. One year there was an ice storm and my mom was certain they were stubbornly sitting in his trailer sized home (but it was NOT a trailer, it had a basement!) refusing to give in and go to a hotel (this turned out to be not true, they did give in….eventually)

    When he died in 2005, she sold the place faster than Ashley Madison sold guarenteed sex tickets to Josh Duggar and moved back to MA to live in her mom’s house, where she is still today, at 92, growing her own food and politely clucking at her ridiculous republican neighbors.

    Also Maine was where my dad got arrested when I was 15. When we were leaving he was speeding and then ran a light, so he got pulled over. The officer got his licence and while he was checking it, my dad was like “oh…I wonder if my licence is valid here…”

    Turns out it wasn’t. Why? Because of an unpaid ticket from 20 years earlier. It was older than me or my brother. So he was hand cuffed and had to be bailed out. A month or so later, he and my mom went back up so he could appear in court, pay the fine and get his licence fixed and good thing too, because the next summer, while flying down back roads in an old station wagon, he got pulled over again.

    I had an elderly professor who had retired by was still working because of Reagan (whom he would loudly denounce and slam his fists on the desk) In the 70s, he was on a project to map the glacial geology of Maine. Up in the northern reaches is full of potato farmers who would take shots at the University trucks, so they chose the guy everyone hated to map that region. There was also this whole thing about sneaking colleagues from Quebec in the dead of night.

    Anyways, that’s Maine and here’s Loren and Wally from a Boston Radio station who do this skit regularly on their morning show.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8m21V9vhSwM&list=PLTYKiRh0MylnUc-_9WiZseQN3TCUxF76k

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Ah yes, the land of speeding tickets. I’ve never been arrested, but my Mass plates ensured that I got nabbed every stinkin’ time I visited and wasn’t scrupulously careful about staying under the limit (hard to do with miles of empty, open roads).

      I also have many fond memories of vacations in Maine with friends. We’d head to one friend’s summer camp on a lake for one week every year when I was in my 20’s. There was much booze and shooting of the potato cannon (a length of PVC piping with an opening where one would spray hairspray and then ignite it, shooting a potato several hundred feet into the middle of the lake). Good times, good times.

      • SpideySenser

        Yup … got pulled over for passing on the right (a can do in MA, not so much in ME) and I swear it was because of the MAsshole plate.

        • essbird

          The true Masshole move is passing on the right, IN THE BREAKDOWN LANE at a traffic jam! We do frown on that up here because it jams the merge all up and reminds us of the jerk who used to cut in the lunch line. Here we wait our turn like the nice Yankees we are. But Massholes are inclined to think of that as “passing on the right”. When they pull it on me, I pull into the breakdown lane, raise my hood and watch them cuss me out because nobody will let them back in line. Or I find some friendly trucker to fly wing for me while I block the breakdown lane. Just saying… But you wouldn’t do that.

          • SpideySenser

            I really, really hate breakdown lane passers – so you are correcto mundo – I totally would never do that. I see some MA platers pull that shit from time to time and cringe. I applaud your revenge tactics, I have fantasized doing the same but with the above mentioned MA ID tag on the vehicle they would pro’ly consider me a traitor and beat me with their tire irons. To death. In MA or out.

          • Lizzietish81

            It actually is legal in MA during rush hours.

            I know because I also shake my fists at them and seeing the sign made me shake harder.

          • SpideySenser

            I used to drive 128 for about a half hour each way to work … those breakdown laners are ruthless!!! And it’s posted as legal (you noted)!!! However, I see you respond with all five fingers bunched up, I usually just acknowledge them with a solitary one, in full regalia.

    • Ilgattomorte

      I love that piece. I have one small suggestion. Whether its true or not, Grandma needs a rocking chair, a flask of Old Grandad and a wolf-dog curled around by her feet to complete the Maine badass picture. Otherwise perfect.

    • Me not sure

      I never spent much time in Maine, but I as a summertime visitor I remember a rustic hotel room over a bar that made noise deep into the night, and mosquitoes the size of B-52s. I seem to also remember an unmanned border crossing where you just sort of signed yourself in and out of the country.

    • jmk

      I’ve waved at Maine the only time I ever visited Portsmouth, NH – most visits to New Hampshire were pastry runs to bring baked goods like real hard rolls to my grandparents, who had retired to a place outside of Charlestown.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      So where’s the rest of the memoire. You can’t leave us hanging.

    • Vecciojohn

      If you’ve written any books I want one of each for myself and at least 4 for friends. You totally rock.

      • Lizzietish81

        A friend of mine once told me he wanted me to write a book in my own voice, ie the way I talked when I told these stories.

  • NorthernSaber

    I’m from Maine and one of the few who moved away and came back (which may have been a mistake…). There is no way that our Plurality Governor’s ignorance could ever be overstated- the missive above, while extensive, leaves out such gems as his meetings with members of Maine’s “Sovereign Citizens” movement (anti-everything RWNJs), his stupid comment about chemical pollutants only giving women “little beards”, his endless lies about Maine students needing to take extra courses before they could go to university elsewhere- and I could go on, but I’d certainly strain the rules for radicals above. He’s an embarrassment and a warning about just how low the denominator is for Tea Party types. He makes me ashamed to be from my beloved home state and I hope this effort helps rid Maine of its cancer in the Blaine House.

    • Big Puppy

      This.

  • Bob@Bob.com

    Pig blood? DAMN IT! I anybody here interested in a couple buckets of goat blood?

    • MrBlobfish

      No, but if you have some curried goat I will be interested.

  • chicken thief

    Le Asshole will resign like Rush moved to Costa Rica and Hannity left NY when they made similar ‘threats’.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      That reminds me, did Hannity get water tortured yet?

      • chicken thief

        If holding Sarah’s wet undies over his face counts, then yes.

        • MrBlobfish

          Damn you, Thief. Damn you to Blazes for that.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Ehem, there are some things even the Imperial Japanese Army wouldn’t condone.

        • TheBidenator

          And you know the worst part about it? He stole the underwear to purposefully subject himself to it…

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            pretty sure being a masochistic shit weasel is part of the job description at Faux, no? Or is that sadistic shit weasel.
            Can never remember which. Probably both: sadistic on the outside, masochistic on the inside. Whichever, it’s a kinky place is the point

          • Toomush_Infer

            If by stole, you mean she sold them to him….

        • Angry_Cop

          OMG it’s 7:30 in the morning and I DID NOT NEED THAT

          • essbird

            If you lived in Maine it would have been 10:30. Think about it.

          • Angry_Cop

            NOT HELPING

    • MrBlobfish

      See also Nugent, Theodore; dead or in jail

      • Lizzietish81

        Thanks Obama!

      • TheBidenator

        I wish I could see that…..

        • Me not sure

          Dead and in jail would be my preference. Would that be legal?

          • nmmagyar

            Corpses don’t have rights, so I don’t see why it wouldn’t be

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    It’s not “Mainer”. It’s “Mainiac.”

  • Tom Lindsay
    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon
      • Vecciojohn

        The creep alarm went off for me before I knew he was such a little pants pisser. I was gob smacked when the towers came down too, but stopped crapping myself about a week later. What’s this guy’s excuse.

  • I believe the correct term for a person from Maine is Maineiac

    • Vecciojohn

      I’m was going to guess Brainiac, but then . . .

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Unfortunately, there is no evidence LePage can count higher than four. So when he says “only four” people have asked him to resign, he could mean six, six thousand, or six hundred thousand already.

    Stupidity can sometimes be its own defense.

    • sw19womble

      You might well have a point there, after all, he did get awfully confused by all those vetoes he left sitting on his desk..

    • nmmagyar

      I don’t think there are 600,000 people in Maine. In fact, I don’t think there have been 600,000 people in Maine since Maine became A Thing.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Wyoming is the least populous state libelz!

        • nmmagyar

          No argument from me. The 10’s of people in Wyoming are not being overlooked.

  • Vecciojohn

    Have you know soul? he asked.

    And then we all laughed and laughed . . .

    • chicken thief

      …and then he cued up Buffalo Springfield.

  • exinkwretch

    Gee, if only there was another extremist ex-governor he could contact on how to properly quit mid-term.

    • Me not sure

      Lepage / Palin 2016! They’re what voters crave!

      • jmk

        Nah… he’s already thrown his weight behind Christie, and they’re sticking together like glue.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Yeah, but the extremist ex-governor you’re thinking of never ran for re-election and won, unlike this jackhole and the ones in Wisconsin, Kansas, and Florida.

      • this a thousand times as i just left above (although i forgot: it was KS not OK).

        blame the electorate here folks.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    o.O Did this dumbass just call out his state?

    • essbird

      Only the lower half. The one with all the people in it.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        That’s the really funny thing about all this. He loves Maine, but only the part where Moose outnumber humans.

  • Hey, there you go. At least he can take a hint, unlike Scott Walker.

    • chicken thief

      Scott Walker has actually done a great job during his tenure. Just ask Scott Walker.

      • Anarchy Pony

        And the Kochs.

  • whyieverdidit

    They’re all gonna laugh at you!!

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Your dirty pillows are showing!

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Could somebody just glue LePage’s piehole closed??

  • Dear Mainers,
    We have been shopping elsewhere since you elected this jackhole. If you boot him out, we promise we will come back and spend our munnies in your state.
    Sincerely,
    The Latte Liberals of Southern New England

    • SpideySenser

      Kittery Trading Post or BUST!!!

    • Mintie

      I have family in NH. That’s not much of a sell to the Northern NEers

  • marxalot

    I have an Internet Games Friend in Maine. I’ll make sure he gets this message.

  • AuroraErratic

    Way aheddaya on this one.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      So that makes five! Keep ’em coming!

  • Notreelyhelping

    Maybe it’s time for Rob Ford to have a heart-to-heart with him about the dignity becoming of a civil servant.

    • Axomamma

      Where is America’s favorite Canadian mayor these days?

      • Jus_Wonderin

        Up to his nose in blow????

  • Msgr_Moment

    The pain in Maine
    Rains mainly
    Down on Lepetomane.

  • Anarchy Pony

    It’s almost as if people insisting the government doesn’t work shouldn’t be allowed in the government.

    • Hardly Ideal

      You try using that at your next job interview.

      Hello, scum of the earth. I hate your company and everything it stands for, and if I were given a job I would work to destroy it from the inside… so, please give me an executive position in your company. I read on a third-grade level and can shoot a pile of law documents from two paces.

      If I tried that, I may be escorted from the building and justifiably tazed for good measure.

    • hmmm again, HE WAS ELECTED TWICE.

      as was scott walker, rick scott and that shit heel in OK.

      time to blame the electorate.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    P.S. If you run into your counterpart Rick Scott, tell him Floridians want him to follow your lead.

    • Oginikwe

      Also Scott Walker, Rick Snyder . . .

      • yeah and 3 of the 4 of them HAVE BEEN ELECTED TWICE.

  • ImpureScience

    I’d love to write in, but I moved away several years ago. I guess I could always say that I’ll move back if he leaves…

  • Oginikwe

    Don’t forget that LePage supports bearded women so he can’t be all bad:

    Maine “Little Beards” Gov LePage Hired] Pro-BPA Lobbyists (Mother Jones) 2/25/2011: http://motherjones.com/blue-marble/2011/02/maine-little-beard-gov-hired-pro-bpa-lobbyists

  • Justin Kredibel

    this would be the first time i wished i still lived in maine ….. oh such a dirty lew … (eta: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6YTkxr3j2HQ ) LePage’s LeDump

  • Seattle Rain

    I am one of those Mainahs that left the State over 40 years ago.

    I am still embarrassed that Maine elected this asshole, twice.

  • evan, you do remember how carrie ends right?

  • Biff52

    Congrats for the Rachel bump, Evan!

  • Me not sure

    Woot! Maddow does it again! This story featured tonight.

  • SCK

    So, please, please, please… let me, let me, let me… let me… get what I want, this time.

  • NorthStarSpanx

    If four people are enough to convince a narcissist to run for President, then surely four people are enough to send a Governor packing?

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