Mike Huckabee Says Awful Dumb Thing Because He's Mike Huckabee

The sneering sack of fetid rectal discharge that is Mike Huckabee said some stupid this weekend. It wasn't about Israel this time or about how as president, he will declare martial law to seize control of every poonany in America, for "life." No, this weekend, on CNN, Huck went retro, reaching back to one of his all-time classics: "Screw you, rape victims."

In response to the recent news that an 11-year-old in Paraguay had given birth after being raped and impregnated by her stepfather -- because Paraguay is one of those countries that's all, like, hey, too bad about the rape and all, but up yours, kid, no abortions for you -- Huckabee opined on why there's nothing wrong with that:

"A 10-year-old girl being raped is horrible. But does it solve a problem by taking the life of an innocent child? And that's really the issue," Huckabee said.

Let's take a beat right there to marvel at this tub of rotted dick mold's perfect representation of your standard "pro-life" mentality, seeking to turn that rape frown upside down, with a baby! There is no "but" here. Rape is horrible. Period. Full stop. THE END.

Now let's take another beat to marvel at Huckabee's wrongness. Because actually, yeah, abortion does solve a problem. It solves the problem of "I'm pregnant and don't want to be pregnant." (That's one of many reasons that abortion is a wonderful thing. It saves lives and solves problems.) But oh, here is so much more stupid from Huckabee:

"There are two victims [in abortion]. One is the child; the other is that birth mother who often will go through extraordinary guilt years later when she begins to think through what happened -- with the baby, with her. And again, there are no easy answers here," Huckabee said.

Setting aside how referring to a woman who has an abortion (and ergo, not a birth) as a "birth mother" does not make any kind of sense at all, let's refresh our memories on some SCIENCE on the "pro-life" myth of lifelong regret that inevitably follows an abortion. Remember? 

According to a new study that tracked hundreds of women who had abortions, more than 95 percent of participants reported that ending a pregnancy was the right decision for them. Feelings of relief outweighed any negative emotions, even three years after the procedure.

Right, that . In almost all the cases of all the abortions ever, women are like, "Whew, glad I took care of that. AND I DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT IT." So this faux chivalrous impulse to protect women from the "extraordinary guilt" they're too stupid to realize they will experience one day, even though they probably won't, is quite unnecessary.

Not that anyone thinks for half a second Huckabee gives a good goddamn about women. If he did, he wouldn't be telling them there are more important factors to consider, in a rape, like what Huckabee thinks about all that. Because he cares so much, you know. He's the friendly, smiley, makes-you-laugh cuddly conservative -- with a constipated lump of undigested roadkill where his heart should be.

[ Crooks and Liars ]