SHARE

Haha, what's the difference?

An a sentencing decision that sounds like something out of a bad comedy routine, a Texas judge gave a defendant in a misdemeanor case a simple choice: Marry his girlfriend or do 15 days in jail. Hey, it’s just a matter of how long you want to be locked up, am I right? Try the veal! Still, compared to some other idiotic sentences, it’s far from the worst we’ve heard of. It’s merely stupid, not sickening.

Tell us more, KLTV in Tyler, Texas:

In July, a Smith County judge sentenced Josten Bundy to get married to his 19-year-old girlfriend as part of his probation, which also included writing Bible verses and getting counseling.

The court case stemmed from a February altercation between Bundy and the ex-boyfriend of his girlfriend, Elizabeth Jaynes.

“[The ex-boyfriend] had been saying disrespectful things about Elizabeth, so I challenged him to a fight,” said Bundy. “He stepped in and I felt like it was on and I hit him in the jaw twice.”

Bundy, 20, was charged with assault, although the ex-BF didn’t need medical attention. Also, young Mr. Bundy recognized that he’d done wrong: “I took matters into my own hands and I know that’s wrong,” Bundy said. “I know I was raised better, but it happened.” (Is he a Palin? He sounds like a Palin.) Judge Randall Rogers decided to help this nice young man make a life decision the way that all good decisions are made: under threat of imprisonment. At Bundy’s sentencing, Rogers asked Bundy if the young lady was truly worth fighting over.

“I said, well to be honest, sir, I was raised with four sisters and if any man was talking to a woman like that,” recalled Bundy, “I’d probably do the same thing.”

And so Rogers added the requirement that Bundy marry Jaynes within 30 days as part of his probation. If the couple didn’t get married, Bundy would get two weeks in jail. There’s probably some really good logic behind that order that we’d love to hear more about, but Judge Rogers didn’t reply to media requests for an interview; that could have been amusing, especially his rationale for why he thinks copying out Bible verses is constitutional.

Not that it reflects any on the quality of the relationship, but Bundy initially told the judge he’d take the jail time if Rogers would let him call work to let them know he’d be out for a couple weeks. However, says Bundy, “The judge told me ‘nope, that’s not how this works.’” Because Texas, and also sanctity of marriage, we guess. And since they didn’t want Bundy to lose his job, the young couple decided to get hitched, and got a wedding license right there at the courthouse, scheduling a later date to get married by a justice of the peace.

It’s not quite the dream wedding that Elizabeth Jaynes had in mind:

“I used to watch Say Yes to the Dress and all those shows and all the dresses and think about what kind of dress I would have,” said Jaynes. “I would have liked a spring wedding when it’s not too hot and not too cold.”

On the upside, at least the couple had already been talking about getting married, and had some really classy ideas about how their dream wedding would have gone:

“We were strung over each other and really were in love,” Bundy said. “[At our wedding] I would have worn a black tux with some yellow under it because I’m a Steelers fan.”

See, it’s the little things that make a marriage work, and now, with this rushed wedding, Judge Rogers has sacked their dreams 10 yard behind the line of scrimmage, and roughed the groom on top of it.

KLTV consulted an attorney, Blake Bailey, who said the order to marry was quite plainly illegal:

“To say you’re not going to be criminally punished if you get married is way out of left field,” said Bailey. “It sounds like the old days of shotgun weddings, but not even the judge is capable of enforcing, what he thinks is best for some people in his court.”

He said that if the couple had appealed, the ruling almost certainly would have been struck down. Still, the disgruntled couple is planning a second ceremony, in a church (or perhaps a sports bar; the TV station didn’t specify) when they can save up the money to do things right. This sounds like a marriage that’s made to last; Yr Wonkette guesses that if they play their cards right, these kids should be able to sell their story as a TV series, except maybe the judge would sentence Bundy to be Jaynes’s butler.

[WLTV via RawStory]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Nounverb911

    Didn’t Ernst Lubitsch direct this picture in the 30’s?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      With less bible, and more sexual tension, you know, the right way.

    • Tallmutha

      It really has Sturges written all over it — with William Demarest as the cranky judge.

      • eggsacklywright

        And Peter Lorre as the drunk, incompetent lawyer.

        • Jaime Oria

          “Eeet only toook mee three tries to pass the bar -“

  • Malmborg Implano

    What do you do with an immature, violent man who’s getting into fights? Give him a wife to beat! Problem solved!

    • SnarkOff

      Don’t forget a bunch of little kids…coming soon!

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    His “marriage” in jail might have been more to his liking…

  • Matt Keasler

    This can’t be right. I thought in Obama’s America it was GAY marriage that was going to be forced.

    • Tallmutha

      It’s a slippery slope!

      • FlownOver

        Next up: Santorum-on-dog.

  • Left Coast Tom

    Tyler, Texas? Isn’t this the same fine community that sends Gohmert (R-Asparagus) to Congress, and once elected him as a judge?

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Drink bottled water if you’re ever passing through.

      • Left Coast Tom

        Looking at a map…fortunately the town doesn’t seem to be on the way to or from anywhere.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          Probably a dry county to boot…which might explain much.

          • memzilla

            *ahem* The difference between a dry county and a wet county is, you can get a drink on a Sunday in a dry county.*

            *i.e., stills and stockpiling

      • Catstro

        Don’t cast aspersions on my asparagus water!

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Can’t dance?! That’ll be 90 days…30 days Twist, 30 days Mashed Potato…. Sheesh. Texas.

  • Blender_415

    Shy’s rule No. 1: No slurs on … the mentally disabled (the actually mentally disabled).

    Judge Randall Rogers is obviously something akin to that, so I’m wary of snarking on this one.

    • FeloniousMonk

      I think you’re on safe ground with the judge. I don’t think there’s a rule that covers the newlyweds, though maybe there should be. I rather hope they beat the odds and end up as happily married 90-year-olds.

      Oops. I forgot to make a joke.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Oops. I forgot to make a joke.

        Banhammer!

      • NellCote71

        I think “beat the odds” will suffice as an embedded joke.

    • Catstro

      Nah, just mean and drunk with power. Snark away.

  • Bill Slider

    The groom, a Texas dude, is a Steelers fan. That explains it.

    • nmmagyar

      I’m sort of surprised he wasn’t sentenced to “Old Sparky” for the Cowboys (PBOT) transgression

      • Antimassacree

        Had he named an NFC East team, dead man walking.

        • nmmagyar

          Washington “Indigenous Peoples” for sure is a capital offense

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          All Steeler fans are closet Eagle fans when the Cowboys are playing.

  • I think that under the new feminazi PC regime, wimmen actually get to say whether or not they get married and since the bride-to-be is not under the judge’s jurisdiction, he can’t actually order her to get married. I could be wrong, but I think I read something once about how the ladies have to be treated like legally autonomous equal adults.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Get used to it. When Hitlery wins, judges will be forcing people to gay marry.

      • I am so looking forward to that. It is my only real chance of ever being a bride.

        • Vecciojohn

          Always a bailiff, never a bride.

      • Vecciojohn

        I heard she was going to make straight men gay marry lesbians!

        • Suttree

          Is this a campaign platform I had not heard of? My vote is for Hitlery! But only if it’s plural with her girlfriend.

        • FlownOver

          Hillary/Anybody ’16, then!

    • Ilgattomorte

      With all due respect, the judge ordered a traditional Texas marriage, complete with transcribed bible verses. Under this interpretation the bride is property.

      In my opinion, the judge screwed up in this case. The marriage cannot be considered legal without the traditional exchange of livestock that normally accompanies the bride. I’m afraid that due to the absence of at least one pig or cow the whole marriage will have to be thrown out.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        In a traditional Texas marriage, the cow or pig usually IS the bride.

        • Suttree

          Won’t anyone think of the goats!

          • NellCote71

            The goats, in the form of cabrito and barbecued in a trench, are served at the wedding dinner.

          • Suttree

            For the wedding to the pig or the cow? Are there formal rules for this type of thing?

      • True, the bride is property…but not his property. Until the woman’s current legal owner is consulted, I don’t think he has any legal standing. In light of no other data, I’d have to say that the woman’s current legal owner is her father. If he’s dead or incapacitated then that ownership goes to his next oldest brother…but then the brother has the right to marry the woman if he wishes. And yes, incestuous relations are frowned upon. However, it is quite accepted for the owner to use this action as a bargaining chip in order to gain more livestock, land, or non-related women

        It’s all pretty complicated. I need to take another look at my law library (aka Bible) to find a supporting passage.

        • nmmagyar

          I thought ownership of unmarried chattels went from father to uncle

          • Mehmeisterjr

            The doctrine of jus primae noctis may still be observed in Smith County, so heads up Josten. You may find a bald guy in a robe creeping into your trailer.

          • Querolous

            If droit du seigneur or droit de jambage still applies, how about droit de prélassement ?

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Judge Rogers has a gut feeling that it does.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        The absence of any livestock during the honeymoon suggests a marriage in name only.

    • Bill Slider

      Even in Texas? Surely you jest.

    • mtn_philosoph

      “I think I read something once about how the ladies have to be treated like legally autonomous equal adults.”
      Oh come on, GTT, this is the Avtonomnaya Okrug of Texas we’re talking about.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Couldn’t he apply for the wedding license, and then tear it up and say “psych, I called my boss and took two weeks off after all. Oh, and I’m also appealing this BS.”

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Judge Randall Rogers makes Pigmeat Markham look like Oliver Wendell Holmes, Jr.

    • eggsacklywright

      He’s right up there with Judge Alvin ‘J.P’ Valkenheiser.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “Try the veil.”

  • Me not sure

    “When better marriages are made made Texas will make them make them.”

  • Tallmutha

    “‘Raised better’? What does ‘raised better’ mean?” — a Palin

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Also, young Mr. Bundy recognized that he’d done wrong: “I took matters into my own hands and I know that’s wrong,” Bundy said. “I know I was raised better, but it happened.” (Is he a Palin? He sounds like a Palin.)

    No true Palin would ever admit to doing anything wrong. It’s called the Doctrine of Moosalini Exceptionalism.

    • The kid deserves more credit than he’s getting. He can’t help his upbringing. The snark should be aimed at the judge who’s probably safe from any effective sanctions…

    • frrolfe

      why do i hear this in a “cletus” voice?

  • Dave

    Has anyone sourced this story? Sounds like something from the onion. Then again so does the entire republican primary.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Nope, inexplicably he’s a real judge and graduate of the Texas Tech University School of Law:

      http://www.martindale.com/Rand

      • Reddishrabbit

        Not a Liberty law?

    • Bill Slider

      I saw it elsewhere as an AP wire release, so it has legs. How many, I can’t tell.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Oh, hey, Randall Lee Rogers is not just a judge in the Smith County court, he is the Presiding Judge of the Smith County court. I feel for you, residents of Smith County.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Here here, but then they elected him soooo….ermm….

  • “I took matters into my own hands . . .”

    If he’d just do that more often he wouldn’t have been in this mess in the first place.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Oops, replied to the wrong message. I’ll use this space to remark that the Honorable Judge is A Idiot, which, in Texas jurisprudence qualifies you, practically guarantees you, a place on the bench.

      • nmmagyar

        Lubbock. Makes perfect sense now.

        • Suttree

          Oh gawd! I’ve got family there. I’ve been there twice. What a useless stretch of dirt. I can’t imagine why anyone would choose to live there besides a lucrative career at Texas Tech.

  • Vecciojohn

    After pronouncing sentence, the judge drew a six shooter from under his robes, fired three rounds into the ceiling and gave out with a hearty, “Yee-HAW!!!”

  • JustPixelz

    Activist judge rams heterosexual marriage down a man’s throat.

  • orygoon

    If Texas really did divide itself into five or so smaller states, the east part would be the shittiest, hands down. Basically it should be vitrified and forgotten.

    • nmmagyar

      And I’m pretty sure El Paso would vote to rejoin Mexico

    • weejee

      East Texas Trailer Trash family man?

  • herrointment

    Al Bundy is rolling in his grave.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Ed O’Neill IS Randall Lee Rogers in TV’s sparking new comedy “Writ of Man, Damn Us!”

  • Tallmutha

    The father of the bride, Kenneth Jaynes, wanted answers.

    “[I felt] anger; I was mad. [The judge] can’t do this by court ordering somebody to be married,” said Kenneth Jaynes. “I contacted a couple of lawyers but they told me someone was trying to pull my leg…that judges don’t court order somebody to get married.”

    I see the source of his confusion. He went to talk to sane people.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      So my take away is there are probably two lawyers in Texas who have a basic understanding about law.

    • HolidayinCambodia

      TBF, the judge didn’t order Mr. Jaynes’ daughter to get married. She could have just refused, and then the judge would have had to re-sentence the guy–maybe to marry some other women he would have defended, such as his sisters.

  • jviscont1

    I’m gonna side with the bride’s sincerely held beliefs to not participate argument here.

  • weejee

    There’s probably some really good logic behind that order

    Well, there is sense in nonsense. At least kinda sorta.

  • Thomas McCabe

    At least he didn’t order him to marry his lawnmower.

    • Maybe once he and Sassy-Faye Marie get divorced, he can try one of those speed dating evening in the lawn and garden of Loews. You know…just to get back in the saddle.

      • SnarkOff

        You just named Bristol’s babby!

        • Msgr_Moment

          Loews?

          • nmmagyar

            Sounds pretty Jewish

    • r m reddicks

      Maybe he did.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Texas- where people go to law school, pass the bar exam, and then slowly go nuts on the bench.

    Maybe it’s the whole voting for judges thing in a state that is a little retarded?

    The ones who do crazy things are rewarded by keeping their jobs, so it leads them to Gohmertville?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Or quickly.

  • So everyone’s upset about the timing of the marriage and not that the government is forcing religion on this dude. My head hurts.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Well, the dad was pretty pissed off, but rumour has it he woulda been pissed off no matter whom or when his little girl married, being a red blooded american dad

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      He really could refer to his new bride as “the old ball-and-chain”.

      What do you get somebody for their 10th anniversary–assuming this union lasts that long–of their criminal sentence to be forced into matrimony?

      • FauxAntocles

        Handcuffs?

        • Sharkey

          Fisticuffs?

      • Suttree

        Expungment?

      • SnarkOff

        An appeal?

      • Seriously. Does this mean weddings are going to start having to have a statute of limitations?

    • Tendernob

      Yeah, I like the part where the bride skipped over the part where her personhood was reduced to a chip in a settlement negotiation, and instead seemed concerned that the judge didn’t give her enough time to put her face on and buy a white dress.

      Lady, you just became an alternative minimum sentence, and you are worried about the weather?

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    I used to have to copy bible versus as punishment- in Catholic school. As in a religious institution. As in wtf with these activist judges amiright?

  • DerrickWildcat

    It’s very romantic.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Oh, I agree. Hopefully there will be a bailiff at the ceremony to take him into custody if he gets cold feet.

  • TheBidenator

    This is the same state that thought it was a great idea to give Louie Gohmert a gavel and which has repeatedly sent him to Congress….I having nothing further to add, I just wanted to leave that here for consideration.

    • proudgrampa

      ‘Nuff said.

    • NellCote71

      Hey there you, at least Wonkette has not devoted an entire Sunday column to Texas like another state I could mention. Just sayin’.

      • r m reddicks

        Wonkette would need yet a new server.

        • NellCote71

          Concedes point.

        • A Grumpy Cat

          Haha, “a” new server.

  • Drew Miner

    What bwings us here today is mawagge, also, too assault charges, mawinate n bibble verses for 90 days and ta-da!

    • jmk

      Wuuuuv… twoooo wuuuuv…or fifteeen days wivvout the option…

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    I feel like we are missing too much of the back-story to understand this properly.

    For example, why was anybody at all talking to her “ex-boyfriend”? How recently “ex” was he? Do the relationships “overlap”?

    And has the judge been checked for early onset Alzheimer’s?

    • melizer

      I read on another site that the ex pulled up alongside their car, and made fun of her new pixie cut. I’m not even joking

  • r m reddicks

    It’s good that the ‘judge’ took the future bride’s view into consideration.

    • jmk

      Well, presumably, he thought that, as property, she really didn’t care who held the title.

  • cousin itt

    Hey, I’d get mad if someone was talking trash about my sister.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      But if that escalated into a fight, would you marry her?

      • cousin itt

        isn’t that what happened here? it is Texas, after all.

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          More importantly, it’s East Texas… where Gohmert is from, where that lady to tried to frame her military husband for sending ricin and death threats to the President is from.

          Where… if you drive through there, you wonder… what do people here do?

          • cousin itt

            Meth if I know.

          • Suttree

            Barnyard animals? Cousins? Sisters? Or what Cousin Itt said.

          • NellCote71

            I was in Tyler 30 years ago for a wedding. I had forgotten to bring the wedding invitation, but I knew it was at the Baptist church. Discovering that the phone book listed 22 Baptist churches did not help the situation.

          • JohnE_o

            >I spend a lot of time snarking on Wonkette..

        • Suttree

          Gotta protect the family honor cause there ain’t no protecting the virginity.

    • nmmagyar

      Meh. My sisters are grown women, they can defend themselves.

      • Suttree

        Hopefully with rusty implements.

        • nmmagyar

          They are vicious harpies, they’ll be fine.

  • Ricky Gay

    Judge Doody

    • cousin itt

      Howdy.

  • Walter Wellstone

    Are they all related? I’m sure they are.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Come on America, these kids are owed a reality show, at the very least a pilot: “Till Death Do Us Part Sentence.”

  • Sweet Jesus! Did you see the picture of the judge?

    http://kltv.images.worldnow.com/images/8497824_G.jpg

    It looks like Leatherface and the banjo player from Deliverance had sex on a pile of remaindered Anne Coulter books and produced a love child. Hey…didn’t the Texas Chainsaw massacre take place in east Texas?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      This explains much

    • Sharkey

      “What is this computer on my desk? Get it off! I don’t use those things.”

      • nmmagyar

        It’s TV, he’s watching his “Stories”

        • Me not sure

          “The Daze of Our Wives”

        • Suttree

          And by “stories” you mean gay felching porn? Directed by Larry Craig?

    • Me not sure

      Keep those hands where we can see them, big boy.

      • FlemmishSpy

        Who says it’ll never stand up in court?

    • Tendernob

      He looks like Karl Rove fucked Yoda.

      • Me not sure

        …or Jabba the Hutt

      • Yoda must have been hella drunk…or Rove put roofies in his Jedi cocktail.

      • at least they prolly got married and did a whole lot of Bible-reading before the fucking.

      • A Grumpy Cat

        Don’t wish that on Yoda. :(

    • Tansy Geek

      The before picture of the melting Nazi from Indiana Jones.But your headline is better.

    • mailman27

      Cletus, the Slack-Jawed Jurist.

    • r m reddicks

      He’s texting/sexting?

    • Vienna Woods

      Mmmmm… sexxay

  • beatbort

    This explains the rushed nuptials of George W. and Laura Bush, I guess.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Did Laura try to run over Dub’s Ex?

      • nmmagyar

        Try?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Texan punches Texan for insulting Texan’s girlfriend… sounds like “a day” in Texas.
    How, exactly, did this even end up in court?

    • NellCote71

      Now that is the most insightful remark of this whole thread.

  • beatbort

    Someone is going to have to break it gently to Bundy’s favorite pet she-goat or there’s going to be serious trouble back at the shack.
    (Bundy….where have I heard that name before?)

    • Me not sure

      Cliven, Ted, Or Al?

      • nmmagyar

        yes

  • SnarkOff

    Kurt Cameron is the judge, Justin Bieber is the young hubby and Vanessa Hudgens is the teen wife in the inevitable romantic comedy based on this true story.

  • Gristle McThornbody

    ““I said, well to be honest, sir, I was raised with four sisters and if any man was talking to a woman like that,” recalled Bundy, “I’d probably do the same thing.”

    Golly Josten, you’re going to be a busy, bruised little dude if you want to take on every micropeen who hates women and talks about them disrespectfully. May I introduce you to Donald Trump and the Republican Party and the PeaTards?

    • Tansy Geek

      Also say hello to the Internet.

      • Gristle McThornbody

        Yes! With a special howdy-do to the MRAers, and gamergaters and 4chan and some of the Reddit subgroups. Lovely, lovely gentlemen!

  • nmmagyar

    Hey! I just noticed that the groom in the photo is the same color as our favorite Babby-daddy. Coincidence?

    • Me not sure

      The kitteh is a nice touch, although I’m not sure why.

      • nmmagyar

        And the groom is clearly drunk (empty beer cans), so any contract he enters into is invalid

        • Me not sure

          Why didn’t I think of that?

  • Me not sure

    I’m willing to bet that if two guys were fighting over another guy this would not have been the solution.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      But it woulda been great if it were. Then we can say that the activist judges are throat cramming the ghey and be right about it

  • Tendernob

    As a lawyuh, whenever people complain that our nation has too many lawyers, I respond that THIS is why we need more of them. We need more lawyers to help the nation’s dumbest people, because our dumb need protection from our worst judges.

    They were sitting there in a courthouse, did NO lawyer say to them “dude, the judge cannot do this”? EIGHTEEN WHOLE DAYS when somebody should have told these people that they didn’t have to go through with their kangaroo wedding, that they had a right to appeal. Do they not have Google in East Texas?

    • Me not sure

      They have Gohmert.
      BTW : Another unarmed black guy was killed by police in Texas last night.

    • John Smith

      The judge was a lawyer, before he put on the robe of insanity.

    • melizer

      They claim to have consulted several lawyers, who thought their question was so ludicrous they weren’t taken seriously

  • JohnR

    Bundy made the right choice by gettin’ hitched, had he gone to prison even for 15 days there’s a good chance of him comin’ out gay. We really need to consider bringin’ back dueling. It would be so much better to handle grudges legal like, with guns, or swords, or even fists. That way when men get to fightin’ they can hopefully kill each other without the legal problems.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      This is Texas, so it would have to be guns. Swords and fists are for sissies.

      • Suttree

        Otherwise known as men who don’t need penile substitutes. Except for the sword fighting. Nevermind…….

    • r m reddicks

      And they say they don’t believe in evolution.

    • david green

      While I am fairly sure that more guns doen’t make for a polite society, a good dueling law might.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Late for the wedding here.
    Did any of yinz make any “cruel and unusual punishment” jokes yet?

    • Suttree

      About being Steelers fans?

  • I am not a lawyer, but I think that the sentence is not merely stupid. I think it is a direct assault on the US constitution including the 1st, 4th, 5th, 6th, 7th, and, of course 14th amendments.

    First it seems to me to be obvious that if a judge is allowed to sentence someone to copy from the Bible, then Christinity has been established as a state religion (or Judaism if copying only from the old testament is allowed). I think that, if this sentence is allowed to stand, that there is no logical basis for any limit of the power of judges to impose the practice of the judges preferred religion on penalty of incarceration.

    Second, imposing marriage is plainly a violation of the 4th amenndment right to privacy as currently interpreted. Notably there is no basis for limiting this power to cases in which the alternative sentence is 15 days in jail not say life without parole. Nor does the judge have any authority to decide who should marry whom. In this case, he kindly ordered boyfriend and girlfriend to marry, but I see no logical basis to limit judges powers to compel marrriage to such cases. He could have told the defendant to marry a woman chosen at random or to, gasp, compel the defendent (under threat of incarceration) to marry another man. I think that if the sentence is allowed to stand, forced gay marriage will no longer be a joke. I see no reason why the precendent if allowed to stand, doesn’t give a judge to order one man to marry another on the grounds that he, the judge, thinks it would be good for them.

    But finally, the sentence is imposed on Elizabeth Jaynes as well as Josten Bundy — if he must marry her she is compelled to marry him. Jaynes was not a defendent and not accused or suspected of any misdeed. The judge presumes to have authority over her life choices. He threatened to lock up her boyfriend. The gross assault on the constitution would be achieved even if the judge had not specifically expressed his intention to cause Bundy to be fired if he didn’t obey (by not granting him permission to inform his employer that his absense from work was due to the outrageous misconduct of a judge).

    I think that Jaynes can sue to have the sentence overturned on the grounds that she is being punished without any trace of anything like an indictment (amendment 5) without a trial (5) assistance of an attorney (6) and is deprived of something worth more than $20 dollars without a trial (7th).

    I can’t imagine that even a Texas court (other than the one in question) could find a way to reject that appeal.

    here I note that the bit in the 5th about grand juries has not, until now, been considered to apply to state courts. However, extreme cases make bad law. I do not think the relevant precedents must be overturned as the current case is so utterly outrageously extreme that it can be assumed that it was not imagined in the worst nightmares of the Supreme Court justices who decided that that clause (alone in the bill of rights) was not imposed on state courts too via the 14th amendment.

    I think that it would be good for the Constitution and the country if Bundy and Jaynes seperately sought relief (if they don’t get it in Texas, I can’t imagine how even the Roberts court could deny it).

    The alternative is to abandon not only the bill or rights but all limits whatsoever on the absulute tyrannical power of judges. If a judge can do this, what can’t a judge do ? Would there be any logical basis for any limit at all on judges other than their judgement of what is good ?

    I also think the judge Rogers should be impeached for gross misconduct (I don’t know about Texas judges but federal judges can be impeached for misconduct short of a crime unlike all other federal employees). I also think he should be disbarred.

    Finally I think all those not ready to bow down to the absolute power of each and every judge should contribute to two separate legal defence funds one for Bundy and one for Jaynes.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      But it isn’t agin the second right? Cause that is all that matters is the 2nd

    • Tendernob

      The Bundy/Jaynes marriage can be annulled if they want to, since they were literally forced to marry under duress.

      • Msgr_Moment

        My favorite Reality TV Show: Say Yes to Duress

        • Vienna Woods

          You win.

      • r m reddicks

        I asked above but still I am curious (not yellow) would that be contempt of court if the same yahoo gets to breaking wind over it and hauls the boy back in?

        • Tendernob

          I don’t see how that’s possible. Once the “sentence” has been “fulfilled,” the judge no longer has jurisdiction over the defendant. He can’t hold a defendant in contempt for annulling his marriage after the fact.

          Besides, at this point, I’m sure the ACLU is all over this case like stink on shit. I doubt this idiot will be on the bench for much longer, anyhow.

          • r m reddicks

            It is Texas.

          • r m reddicks

            Maybe with a divorce. But I could see some legal wrangling (hey, it’s Texas) over annulment.

        • david green

          (not yellow). Damned, you must be old.

          • r m reddicks

            Just not enough to know better (blue).

    • Mehmeisterjr

      In a case like this, I would call upon the deep personal experience and sound legal acumen of the Rev. Mike Huckabee.

  • Bill Slider

    Is this what they consider critical analytical skills in East Texas?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Another judge who has no fucking business being a judge.

    • aloharob

      remember kiddies; Louie Gohmert was a judge in Texas!

  • Jonathan Lawson

    I thought Texas didn’t recognize the authority of a man in a black robe…

    • lesterthegiantape

      He may have been wearing a white one. cough

  • bozilingus

    Used to be judges would give you the option of jail or entering the Armed Forces. Marriage seems a much worse punishment (lifetime commitment vs. 4 years).

    • r m reddicks

      If they got married and immediately annulled the marriage would that be contempt of court? Not that anyone would have anything other than contempt for that court.

      • I was wondering the same thing, but it sounds like it’s pretty much impossible to get a divorce in Texas in less than 15 days.

        • r m reddicks

          That’s one reason I’m going with annulment. Judgey would be Judied with a divorce.

        • Incoming Ham

          Previously they have tried to make the waiting period before divorce 6-10 months. And also the couple must go to state mandated “counseling” which I guaran – damn – tee you is faith based. By that I mean fundamentalist baptist christian.

          http://www.nytimes.com/2007/04/15/us/15marriage.html?fta=y

          They would ban divorce completely if they could.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Six year commitment. Four on active duty, two in the reserves…or, if you come to actually like it (some do!) you can stay on active duty if they’ll take you.

      • david green

        I managed two active and 4 in the reserves. No judge involved. And the Lt. and I agreed that the Navy didn’t need me for longer. The Lt. and i were like that (holding two fingers together)

    • Left Coast Tom

      “Used to be”? I thought that was how Track Palin became a “veteran”.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Bundy got off easy. Back in the sixties, guys arrested were given the choice of jail or enlisting and going to Viet Nam. At least this way, he gets to stay in Texas. Oh, wait…

  • Celtic_Gnome

    A friend was elected a Common Pleas judge. She said she much preferred dealing with the defendants who appeared before her rather than the other Common Pleas judges because the judges were a bunch of preening divas.

    • melizer

      THIS.

  • Tansy Geek

    It’s been said better further on down the comment line, but how does this idjit get off extended the sentence to a third party? Also bible verses? The guy didn’t interrupt his Sunday School class by making fart jokes. How are bible verses applicable, never mind the whole separation of church and state stuff. Does Texas elect judges or are even appointees all mentally sub-normal?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I don’t care if the guy dropped trou and mooned this asshole judge in the middle of a Sunday school class, you can’t ram any religion down anyone’s throat in this country using legal means. This is precisely the sort of thing that Madison was trying to prevent.

      • dshwa

        Madison, Monroe, and Jefferson are spining in their graves from this

  • A Bashful Nobody

    I kept waiting for the punch line in this one but……………………………

  • jmk

    I see that Texas educational policy against critical thinking is working as predicted.

    Did it not occur to this dingbat couple that 15 days is shorter than a fucking lifetime, and that maybe SHE could have called into work FOR him?

    • Suttree

      Have you ever met anyone from Texas? ( Yes there are a few exceptions, I have met really cool people from Texas)

      • jmk

        I have a few friends from Texas…it seems to me that the Texas folks I’ve met have tended to cluster at the extremes – absolutely awful or absolutely awesome.

        • Suttree

          Yup. Austin and Houston mostly. It’s weird though, the great ones actually like Texas. I don’t know what sort of armadillo hide they must have to deal with all of the awful idiots.

          • richardgrabman

            The awful idiots can be awfully entertaining.

        • david green

          The branch of my family from West Texas Has the collective intelligence of a box of rocks. And the social skills also, too.

  • A Bashful Nobody

    AND ANOTHER THING!!!! I get tired of saying this but: East Texas.

    • Suttree

      Forget it Bashful, it’s all of Texas.

    • Incoming Ham

      Texas: We’re coming for you Florida. There can only be one wingnut bizzaro state and we won’t take second place.

  • lesterthegiantape

    There’s no funny to be had in this, because millions of Americans believe this is EXACTLY what our system of laws is for.

  • Biff52

    Good to hear the Little Lady got a life sentence too.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      well it was all her fault for being a wimin with an ex and all, the little tramp, and only 19 to boot. Ergo, the punishment was really for her for starting it

      • melizer

        Jezebels and sireens, I tells ya

  • Villago Delenda Est

    My parents actually did something like this. No, my dad wasn’t confronted by an asshole Texas judge and forced into it. However, they were both living in Southern California at the time, and thought that it was silly and wasteful to maintain two residences until they formally got hitched (this was back in the early 50’s, one simply did not “shack up” back then). So they went to Vegas and got married. THEN in June they had the big ceremony back East. My mother’s parents never knew about this set up. They thought the June wedding was the full scale real deal.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      My brother did a similar. He and the wife got married in the carribean with a select group (of which I was not one, and yes I am insanely jealous) but then they came home and had a kick ass party so it was all good.
      So basically, I got a kick ass party without having to sit through the nauseous looking into eyes ceremony boring BS (that I am told all women are supposed to like, but honestly I think we just deal because really, they are boring and dull and maybe there is something wrong with me).

      • Mehmeisterjr

        No, I think you are about right.

      • r m reddicks

        Sorry you missed the trip. I’d like to say we tore the place up but I wasn’t there. Oh, oh, this sounds too much like a bad screen treatment. But I am sorry you missed the trip.

  • JMP

    They’re fucking 20 and 19 – no one that age should be getting married, and yet the moron judge wants to force it? Really?

    • dshwa

      It’s the good old-fashioned notion that a young man needs a wife to settle him down and teach him to control himself. I guess sexism isn’t just anti women in Texas. Hooray.

      • JMP

        And that no one needs to consider the opinion of the actual woman involved, but then this is Texas, women are property not people.

        • Incoming Ham

          In some areas, like Bumblefuckstanville (which this must be) that seems to be the case. The judge talks about her as if she were property while she is sitting right in front of him. The boyfriend is pretty horrified.

          • AncienReggie

            Actually, Bumblefuckstanville is 30 miles south of Tyler, TX, the scene of this particular crime. I grew up in Bumblefuckstanville, where endogamy is still the norm. We went to Tyler to do our Christmas shopping,

  • differentdrummer

    This sounds less like sketch comedy and more like Gilbert & Sullivan to me.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      You know, it does sound a little like G&S, though on a far less sophisticated level:

      ♫ All the legal furies seize ya,
      No purposal’s like to please ya,
      I cain’t listen to this shit,
      I must soon git up and git.
      Parties and assembled fundies,
      If you is or ain’t no Bundies,
      I should give you all a birchin’
      Ain’t no gap twixt state and churchin’.
      Let the will of God prevail,
      Now git hitched or go to jail. ♫

  • ShopmetotheMoon

    If you had any doubts whether the US has become a banana republic or not, this article should clarify it once and for all.

    • r m reddicks

      “become” libel!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Banana libelz!!!!!!!!!!!!!11<1,11,!,1/1,!1,11<!111!

      • Msgr_Moment

        BanananaanGHAZI!!!

  • Beowoof14

    On the tenth anniversary of a couples marriage the husband was in tears all day. He was absolutely inconsolable. Finally the wife asked him honey why all the tears today, you should be happy on our tenth anniversary. The husband replied, remember the judge told me to marry you or go to jail. The wife said yes. The husband said I would have been released today.

  • Vienna Woods

    Still a better love story than Twilight.

  • ibwilliamsi

    Because Jeebus said that “marriage is between a man and the girl he got in a fight over.”

    • clubseal

      Right there in White Trash 12:23.

  • Incoming Ham

    Asks “if she was worth it?” Wow. Quite the Solomon.

    • BackDoorMan

      … I don’t think there’s a correct answer to that question.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Good thing the guy wasn’t defending his female German Shepard or Boss Hogg might have made him marry the bitch.

  • YayConspiracy

    Can the judge be sentenced to wearing a dunce cap and standing in a corner for 15 days?

  • harryeagar

    If they divorce some day, does he have to do the time?

    Also, can we call this a Get Out of Jail Not Free card?

  • Notreelyhelping

    You’ll file joint tax returns, and you’ll like it!

  • Jared James

    I am deeply disappointed that you forewent this once-in-a-Texas-lifetime opportunity for an “old ball and chain” joke.

  • OH MY GOD THEY WERE RIGHT ABOUT CREEPING SHARIA LAW.

  • Damian Hart

    But I thought that–after the Supreme Court rainbow throat-cramming–that the fear was everyone would be *FORCED* into gay marriage. This is a story about being forced into non-gay, totally unenjoyable marraige…

  • fgbndslndr

    This is the idea George and Jerry should have pitched to NBC for their sitcom.

  • Charles Cates

    Time was when you were given a choice between jail or joining the Army.

    • katahdin

      Isn’t that what Track, or Trick, or Treat, had to do?

  • eric

    Just have the most Pagan marriage ever and really piss off the judge.

    • EricMBacon

      Satanist wedding. And write an article with pictures for the newspaper thanking the judge for the opportunity.

  • SK

    Is he a Palin? He sounds like a Palin

    Speaking of, Bristol is wishing hard that such a judge would order Dakota Meyer or Levi Johnston to marry her, or else.

  • gregormendel

    I have practiced in Judge Rogers’ court and there is something you all need to know. In his courtroom, on the little swinging doors on the bar is a sign. It reads, “No purses beyond this point. Briefcases only.” This means that women attorneys must leave their purses in the gallery with the “alleged” criminals who are in the courtroom. I really should have taken a picture.

    • bobbert

      I assume that the female attorneys just put their purses into their briefcases and carry on.

      Also: what a dick.

      • gregormendel

        No. There is no room in my briefcase for my purse. I left it in the gallery.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Breifcase is lawyer for man purse, right?
      And what bobbert said. What a dick.

  • melizer

    I wish someone would report the details of the Bible verse copying. Inquiring minds want to KNOW!

    • Paperless Tiger

      Sounds like he already smote the Philistine, so it’s not that.

  • clubseal

    I’m curious as to why the groom on that cake topper would have required soap on a rope. What is going on in that marriage?

    • iamnotascientist

      Don’t want to drop the soap in prison…

  • iamnotascientist

    Ah yes…forced teenaged marriages and religion ordered by a court. There is just sooo much to ridicule that my brain to mouthhole tract is all stopped up. Its like sitting on the toilet 24 hours after eating a steak and big brick of cheese…

  • Paperless Tiger

    Rogers sounds like Supreme Court material for President Jeb to appoint when Ginsburg retires, unless he can find an even bigger asshole.

  • Fartknocker

    50 shades of habeas corpus.

  • Cismontane

    Umm.. forget about whether or not a judge can force a marriage in the (Confederate States of) America. How about forcing a defendant to copy Bible verses thousands of times over? Isn’t there a whole separation of church and state thing or did that end with Reagan?

Previous articleWhat Did President Barry H. Bamz Obama Think Of The GOP Debate?
Next articleTed Nugent: What About Lion-On-Lion Crime?