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Namaste to you, enlightened readers, and once again welcome to the Snake Oil Bulletin. This week we will delve into the universal consciousness that exists within us all. We will explore our inner divinities and open our third eyes to all the possibilities that the universal love energy can provide us. And while we’re at it, we’ll talk about dildos. Let’s dive (heh) right in.

Chakrubs are the crystal dildos your cooter craves

Have your chakras been out of alignment, enlightened reader? It’s understandable in our modern go-go world that invisible wheels of…energy (?) inside of our bodies would get all out of whack with one another. Most chakric disruptions can be traced all the way down to your bright red root chakra, located in the sacred space between your naughty bits and your bunghole. And what better way to stimulate that chakra than to shove a $150 rock up your cooch and go to town? Sounds stimulating? Then you my friend are the perfect customer for Chakrubs, the crystal dildos designed to get the ladies of your meditation circle in touch with every fiber of their freshly patchoulied punanis. Wonder how well they do debugging our laptops.

For those of you doubting the existence of such marvelous devices, Chakrubs politely offers an insider’s look at just why the crunchier set would want to shove rocks in their fancy bits:

Chakrubs are sex toys made from 100% pure crystal that bring a sense of sacredness to your playtime. These beautiful, hand-crafted tools are created with the intention of opening oneself up to the healing properties crystals provide. Crystals have perfect molecular structures that have positive effects on our electro-magnetic fields. When our energectic [sic] bodies are at ease, we are at ease, we are open to healing, to peace, to love, to all of life’s pleasures.

100% pure crystal what? Crystal is a shape, not a substance.

‘Chakrubs’ derives from Chakra, a Sanskrit word describing energy wheels. Chakrubs urge you to feel deeply, passionately, subtly. Light up your chakras, and create an intentional practice that that not only gets you off, but turns you on in way in which you will remain turned on and awakened with a renewed sense of self-awareness and wisdom.

Fucking your way to enlightenment is the most forgotten peg on the Noble Eightfold Path. We seem to recall a wise master who once told us “If you see the Buddha upon the road, kill him. But if you can’t, bang his brains out. Dude’s a freaking animal.”

We believe that by purchasing your Chakrub, you tell the universe you are ready to explore what it means to be activated by your own sensual body. You are ready to delve into your humanness, your divinity, to heal wounds that may hold you back, to discover what is unique about you.

If this turns into repeated proclamations of Christian Grey awakening Anastasia’s inner goddess, we’re done.

Chakrubs aren’t just some nonsense cooked up to take money from well-meaning sex-positivistas. The questionably labeled “Academia” section of the site offers us insight into just what these polished love rocks can do, and that is apparently a lot, as the chakras page helpfully breaks down what Americans think Hindus believe about chakras:

Life derives its liveliness from the vibrations of its energy wheels that are spinning with theirown [sic] rhythms to let vitality flow into and out of our sensation. Known as Chakras in Sanskrit,these wheels of energy are also the wheels of light that provide a path to awaken humanconsciousness [sic]. Chakras are the carriers of universal love, knowledge, and energy. Located along the spine, there are primarily 7 energy centers.

Oh thank you, that explained nothing. But perhaps we’re being too harsh here. Part of the magic of woo woo is that it can’t be pinned down with “labels” or “meaning” or “sense of any kind.” If Deepak Chopra can get away with twisting words until they mean nothing, then why can’t our beloved dildosmiths? At least they’re providing us a physical product alongside their nonsense, even if said product starts in price at $70 a pop for an egg and goes up to $375 for a triple threat. You can even purchase dildos named after Hindu deities, because this wasn’t walking a line of good taste just enough. Also eww, because “rose bud” in butt-stuff parlance does not mean what you think it means, Chakrubs.

The Academia section also includes an exhaustive exhausting breakdown of what crystals are (answer: magic), but makes a point to bring it all back to science, if by “science” we mean the exact opposite of science:

While the ancient world related crystals with magic and mystery, the modern world bases the crystal healing philosophy on pure science and logic.

Oh this should be good.

The soul of the body is its energy.

Aaaaand off to a bad start.

The human body has an intricate electromagnetic system with which the crystals, being perfect electromagnetic conductors, can establish interactions. Crystals have the power to transform and strengthen various energies into biological energies that rebalance and revitalize our biological system not only in the cellular level, but in the mental, emotional, and spiritual level as well. Crystals carry healing vibrations that activate the chakras or the energy centers within our electromagnetic system while producing a positive effect on the entire body system.

…What? I just…with the…what? Who is behind these baffling buttplugs? Chakrubs are the brain children of Vanessa Cuccia, a California businesswoman who came up with the idea while undergoing a spiritual awakening at the same time she was working in a sex store. According to her own testimony, Cuccia entered the house of an enlightened guru known for collecting various crystals, and immediately shouted to a packed room that some of them would make great sex toys. We kind of fell in love with Cuccia with that line. Thanks to a penetrating interview with Salon, we get some insight into Cuccia’s thought process behind her contraptions, including why all the insight on crystals included on her site is mostly bullshit:

First, I would like to say that people who believe in the power of crystals know that you can have any crystal and set an intention with it, and because they’re good conductors of energy, it could hold an intention.

So what you’re saying is that any crystal could do anything so long as you have the intention? So what’s the point of all the different crystals? If the $189 prism crystal can have all the same magical properties as the $150 black onyx (haha, we’ll wait for you to get your jokes out that the black one is bigger), then why bother with any of them? If a single crystal is a veritable sonic screwdriver of can-do-anything-ness, why even bother using different kinds?

Cuccia is also kind enough to remind us to always play safe with our magic dildos, but not safety in the sense of “don’t stick it too far up your sugar basin” but safety in the sense of “don’t put them in your bedroom because they will explode with magic”:

You have to feel yourself and go with your own thing. I used to keep a bowl of crystals by my headboard and I couldn’t sleep. I think that everybody has different levels of sensitivity and different crystals are going to feel more intense than others. I would never say “don’t have crystals in your bedroom.” I love having crystals in my bedroom, I think they really help the energy, and Chakrubs can be placed just as any other crystal to help the energy flow in your bedroom. But that being said, if you’re a person that is super sensitive to subtle energies, then don’t have it in your bedroom. Have it somewhere where it could be on an altar somewhere else in a meditation room, something like that.

A dildo altar! Excuse me, ma’am, but this dildo altar witchcraft does not sound right with THE LORD. There is only ONE kind of dildo altar he accepts: BG1ZPZ3CYAAMNrF Thank you very much. Lastly, for all you skeptics, Cuccia has a few choice words with which we don’t necessarily disagree.

I love to reiterate that these properties of the crystals, they’re passed down from many, many generations. A lot of people will say, “That’s bullshit,” about these crystals. I like crystals because it’s something tangible that I can touch and I myself feel a vibration in the crystal, that’s my belief. Some people say it’s a placebo. If it is a placebo, it’s still helping.

That’s actually fair, and in Cuccia’s defense she isn’t claiming her sex stones can heal diseases or cure autism or anything evil; just vague promises of increased consciousness and uniting energies and other nondescript silliness. Unfortunately once again our crystal aficionado inadvertently reveals her hand:

There is science to crystal energy. That being said, all the properties of the crystals, they’ve been passed down for thousands of years, so I do think that whatever intention we hold, the crystals will just help amplify that. Sometimes I feel if you’re picking a crystal, you should go flat out on intuition and not necessarily read about what it does. Go off of your intuition and you will never be steered wrong with what you pick.

In other words, make it up and you’ll never be wrong. We can’t disagree with that. Despite all our ha-ha funny jokes, we’re not actually against this idea. Anything that gets people to learn about their own turn-ons and get more in touch with their quivering quims is a good thing. From Cuccia’s own testimony, developing and later using the Chakrubs helped her to discover new things about her sexuality and made her feel a pleasure she hadn’t experienced before, and for that we say kudos. If it feels good and no one gets hurt, go have at it. Sure it’s couched in a lot of woo woo nonsense about activating love crystals like we’re in a magical girl anime, but carry on, masturbators! Though we will simply note that if in your infinite hippie wisdom you need to feel vibrations all throughout your chakras, we’ll remind you that there are many rabbits with all kinds of vibration levels for you to choose, and only some of them have to do with magic in your taint.

Snake-eating preacher believes other weird shit too, whadyaknow!

Last week Yr Wonkette took a look at Prophet Penuel Mnguni, pastor of the End Times Disciples Ministry in South Africa. He was the guy that told his congregation to eat live snakes because through the POWER OF JESUS he’d turned them into chocolate. He then followed up his release from jail on animal cruelty charges by making his congregants eat rats. Yeah, that assface. Would you be shocked to learn, enlightened reader, that Prophet Penuel believes other weird shit? And that he isn’t too fond of gays? I can see the bewilderment etched across your faces, but it is true!

To catch you up, forcing your congregation to do weird shit has become kind of a thing in South African evangelical churches of late. Penuel’s mentor made headlines last year by making his disciples go out into the field to eat grass because he’d turned it into food, and later had them drink gasoline because he’d turned it into pineapple juice. See, Penuel and his ilk are believers in the modern miracle movement, which comes from the same school of thought as faith healers and the like. Basically, the idea is that your pastor has been so blessed by God (because your pastor is so special and perfect and wonderful and also needs $6.5 million for a private jet plz k thx) that he has the power to do magic like Jesus did. Sure, officially speaking Jesus’ superpowers came from being the SON OF A FUCKING GOD, but recognizing hubris has never been evangelicals’ strong suit.

Penuel’s powers are varied and many. In one instance, Penuel claims to have turned a woman’s hair into food, and then ordered his disciples to eat it. Other instances are just as weird, according to his openly posted Facebook account. In one sermon he claimed to increase the temperature to the point that people were stripping their clothes off, but apparently it wasn’t hot enough that they’d take off things like pants or sweaters.

In another post, Penuel commanded snake demons to enter the bodies of several congregants, who then proceeded to flop around on the ground like they’d had a few too many sips of the communion wine. In yet another, he admits to forcing children in his congregation to eat cloth after having transformed the cloth into food. And then in another post, Penuel claimed to have actually transformed a man into a horse, and celebrated by promptly taking a pony ride on his back. 11755693_485520511613299_3865176745594623731_n The site is littered with testimonials of people claiming Prophet Penuel healed them of diseases, but the faith healing bunk seems almost quaint in comparison to the kinky pony play and feeder fetish stuff this guy is getting up to. Sure, there is one girl who claims that the prophet came to her in a dream to feed her blood and cure her of a concussion, but that’s downright humdrum to a guy who actually claims to have multi-man ninja cloning powers.

Penuel seems to take deep personal glee in inflicting pain on his congregants, demonstrated by multiple posts in which he claims to heal people from pain and demonstrates by jumping into the air and stomping on them. 11102986_462671917231492_7047510173095542579_n But perhaps strangest of all of Penuel’s sermons is the one from July 26th in which he performed the first straight-to-gay conversion in human history. We’ll let the Prophet himself explain this one, and just throw a big blanket [sic] all over this thing.

Sunday service 2015-07-26 DEMONSTRATION OF GOD’S POWER Man of God commanded the spirit of gay (Homosexual) to enter one certain guy in the church and intently the demon manifested and started walking exactly like gay’s [sic] and said his name is Ntlantla from Hammaskral and he is 23 years old, he manifested by showing his breast saying is his cleavage. Indeed God is able to reveal hidden things. To God Be the Glory.

Thing the first: gay men don’t have breasts. We may grow manboobs from gorging ourselves on the tears of Christian bakers, but we don’t magically grow breasts and cleavage upon sucking our first dick. Thing the second: the last time we heard of a charismatic young man shoving a 23-year-old twink into another guy’s body, we had to pay for a 3-day trial membership (haha, jk, who the hell pays for porn?). Oh wonderful, there are pictures of this no doubt respectful display. 11825894_488813144617369_107287172887989881_n Here, Penuel demonstrates he doesn’t know the difference between gay men and ballerinas. 11825062_488813387950678_6557669499913939309_n Here we see the ratchet queen in her natural habitat, throwing shade to ward off predators. 11040629_488813361284014_3357851466307121859_n Dancing Queeeeeen / Feel the beat of Penuel’s feet on your back / Oh yeah! We’ll depart this loathsome Man of God for today, though no doubt we haven’t heard the last of him. All we have to say is that American evangelicals need to step up their flim-flam game if they’re going to beat out their African competitors in the miracle game. If Peter Popoff doesn’t transform one of his followers into a buffy-headed marmoset soon, we will be as disappointed as South African Danny Glover. awesome old dude face People these days.

Flotsam, Jetsam, Hokum

  • It isn’t as funny to call your wife an old ball-and-chain if she’s been court-ordered.
  • Did you miss the GOP church potluck and singles gangbang? Never fear, Yr Wonkette has you covered.
  • Used to be you’d cover up your gay lover by claiming you were neck-deep in lady hookers. The times they are a-changing.
  • Peggy Noonan awoke from the floor of her modestly adorned bathroom last morn, rubbed the gin from her eyes, and proclaimed it was Morning in America once again. It was actually 2pm.
  • Kirk Cameron’s sister, DJ Tanner, has some S-M-R-T thoughts about the homos. Seems the apple doesn’t fall from the other bug-fuck crazy apple.
  • It would be irresponsible not to speculate on the demons lurking inside Barack Obama’s brain.
  • Some good news at last: Jesus-aborting whore pills have prevented over 200,000 cases of womb cancer since they emerged fully formed from Satan’s realm.

[Chakrubs / Salon / Oddity Central / Nehanda Radio / Feministing]

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  • They’re pretty an all…but where to the batteries go? Also…that Crucidildo (Dildoafix?)…words fail.

    • cousin itt

      Words fail but satisfaction is eternal.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Am I the only one who noticed what else is in the mirror? Tell me I’m not the only one.

      • cousin itt

        Looks like one weird testosterone trick.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Yes, I noticed, and my, I’d be interested in offering my services, from what I can see, mind you, to give her a more religious experience than she can get with plastic.

  • gene108

    It is soooooo sexist that men cannot have toys or chakra aligning crystals to masturbate with.

    If man tries to masturbate with an inanimate object he is ridiculed. I think one of the “American Pie” movies makes this point. But women can whack off with anything they can get their hands on, while men can only whack off with their hands.

    Such a double standard ;-(

    • cousin itt

      What about vaginabrators?

      Not that I would know. Please.

    • Enfant Terrible

      Whatever you do, DON’T google “fleshlight”.

      • More precisely, don’t Google “fleshlight knock-offs.” Go for the real thing.

      • Zyxomma

        I had to do it. I did it. I’m done.

    • memzilla

      Someday you’ll meet a nice geode.

    • guppy06

      /cough prostate massage /cough

  • Biff52

    This woman is doing it wrong, I think. NSFW, you morans.

    Brings to mind an old joke…

  • natoslug

    Just don’t get your crystal dildo confused with your crystal deodorant rock. Orgasming armpits smell terrible.

    • guppy06

      But you’d have the best-smelling queefs on the block!

  • bozilingus
    • Callyson

      Trump got his comeuppance for his terrible behavior when some wonderful tech-savvy liberal hacked into his website and turned it into a beautiful tribute to recently departed host of Comedy Central’s The Daily Show, Jon Stewart. It wasn’t Trump’s presidential campaign site that was hacked; it was, instead the Trump Organization’s official website, Trump.com. Though the site is, of course, back online now, we have an image of what the hacker did, to be saved for posterity right here on the interwebs

      https://d.gr-assets.com/hostedimages/1391103489ra/8331744.gif

      • Vienna Woods

        Canadians, of course. Your puckish neighbours to the north, always ready to take the piss out of you.
        You’re welcome.

  • Steverino247

    Chakra dildos? That’s nothing. Joseph Smith used this rock to fuck millions: https://boingboing.net/2015/08/06/revealed-for-the-first-time-t.html

    • schmannity

      Amazing.

    • Biff52

      I’d be more impressed if they’d produce the goddamned golden plates.
      Also:
      this.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        By an utterly amazing and unfortuante occurance, only Joseph Smith could read them, and they were whisked back to whereever they came from once Smith translated them. This is similar to the plot of the TOS episode “Spock’s Brain” in which McCoy dons “The Teacher” to learn how to put Spock’s brain back in his body, but as time passes McCoy starts to lose the knowledge of how to do this.

        • Biff52

          A miraculous miracle, right there. They seemed to have a sliding scale for miracles back in the 19th century, with this definitely being among them.

  • Tallmutha

    I’m guessing the Crystal Fleshlight didn’t make it past the first market test.

  • Steverino247

    That asshole preacher looks like the African Spiderman in that one photo.

  • jviscont1

    call me a cynic, but all my intentions for a classmate named Crystal never worked out.

  • cousin itt

    I cry foul. Prophet Penuel learned everything he knows from Profit Trump.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Prophet Penuel has been busy studying the greats: Aimee Semple McPherson, Jim Bakker, Benny Hinn, Billy Graham, Jimmy Swaggart, Pat Robertson, Jim Jones, Jerry Falwell and others.

  • Msgr_Moment

    …red root chakra, located in the sacred space between your naughty bits and your bunghole.

    You might think that red root chakra is bullshit, but it ‘taint.

    • Steverino247

      Chant with any vegetable! Call it by name!

      • Msgr_Moment

        (Oops. Sorry I changed “rutabaga” to “bullshit” on the edit.)

    • eggsacklywright

      Ah, the transformation from Ram Dass to Rammed Ass.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I wonder if Ms. Cooch-ya knows that onyx is no more of a “crystal” than your average rock. For that matter, none of her products are actually made from “crystal” – although I’m sure they work just as well as the real thing would.

    • HogeyeGrex

      Also, too: The incredible scientific breakthrough

      perfect electromagnetic conductors

      of poon-temperature superconductors.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Crystals are so New Age. How ’bout a good old-fashioned stone?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      That’s actually what she’s selling… not that it matters, but the “crystal” bullshit is truly bullshit.

  • Left Coast Tom

    I love to reiterate that these properties of the crystals, they’re passed down from many, many generations.

    Does this mean the crystals themselves are banging and having baby crystals?

  • Callyson

    We believe that by purchasing your Chakrub, you tell the universe you are ready to explore what it means to be activated by your own sensual body. You are ready to delve into your humanness, your divinity, to heal wounds that may hold you back, to discover what is unique about you.

    Whereas I believe that by purchasing one of those things, you are telling the universe that you either have a twisted sense of humor or that you are ready to delve into the depths of insanity…

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      By purchasing one of those things, you are telling the universe (a.k.a. their mailing list) that you are an easy mark for fleecing.
      Left-wing nitwits can also be grifted, GoldLine/NewsMax style — you can even sell them made-in-China $6.00 wholesale stone dildos for $150, if you just throw the right mumbo-jumbo at them.

      • LarkintheAM

        All the up-thumbs on this one.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Everyone has to believe in something.

        I believe I’ll have another beer.

        • topjob66t

          It’s always 5:00 O’Clock somewhere right?

      • nothingisamiss

        Where can I find a $6.00 stone dildo? (Said my friend, who wants me to ask.)

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Google “crystal massage wands”, click on the shopping tab.
          Your choice of colors. (And minerals, too: If your cooch craves selenium – or if your chakras are selenium-deficient – there’s a selenite dildo for it. )

  • bozilingus

    When your grill lighter stops working, can you use these crystal dildos to start your fire?

    • PubOption

      Well, some had piezoelectric ignition, so possibly – if you have the right kind of crystal. Piezoelectric crystals may also be electrostrictive, so if you hook them up to the mains correctly you could get a 60Hz vibrator.

    • Zyxomma

      Only if the crystal is pyrite, and you strike it against flint.

  • schmannity

    I once passed a crystal through my urinary tract and into an awaiting screen at the hospital and I cannot recommend it. Cranberry juice yes, crystals, no.

    • FauxAntocles

      I once had a collection of crystals in my gall bladder – apparently they conflicted with my Chakra.

    • Biff52

      Something something cast the first stone…

  • Callyson

    If Deepak Chopra can get away with twisting words until they mean nothing

    If you want simultaneously to piss off and endlessly amuse a scientist, quote some Deepak Chopra. Better yet, hand him/her/them a paragraph or so of Deepak’s writings and ask for a full breakdown of why it is complete BS. Prepare for a long day…

    • LarkintheAM

      Life’s too short – I have to spend it grant writing if I want to remain employed, so I use my best ‘you’ve got to be kidding me’ face to scare ’em off.

  • LarkintheAM

    Crystals have perfect molecular structures that have positive effects on our electro-magnetic fields. Only if you are a radio set.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I’m sure you can tune in the cosmic frequencies, and …
      Damn, I should write the ad copy for these grifters. Anybody know what they pay?

    • memzilla

      [Insert superheterodyne joke here]

      • topjob66t

        I can’t hear you.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    patchoulied punanis is the most awesomest two words strung together ever and I am in awe. AWE I say

    • Vegan and Tiara

      I’m naming my first child “Patchoulied Punani.”

  • Suse

    I’m waiting for the deleted comments of the week. There were some real doozies, yes?

  • Callyson

    First, I would like to say that people who believe in the power of crystals know that you can have any crystal and set an intention with it, and because they’re good conductors of energy, it could hold an intention.

    Crystals are sentient entities now? OK then…

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I had a friend who was learning about reflexology and wanted to practice on me. Finding a particularly tender spot on one foot, she consulted her chart to see what body part it represented. “Hmmm…your, uh…uterus”. Yeah? Well being a guy, no freakin’ wonder it hurts so much.

    • The right crystal dildo would probably do your uterus a world of good.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        That would require a whole different set of complicated surgical procedures.

    • jmk

      I’ll just leave this here…

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gfXWjnBwObY

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Perfect.

      • Vienna Woods

        My son would think the Lancaster bomber model would be quite reasonable. He even named the dog after that plane.

  • schmannity

    What a dope Penuel is. First, you get them to send you money, then the chocolate miracles! Sheesh. Don’t Pentacostals have missionaries anymore?

  • azeyote

    That being said, all the properties of the crystals, they’ve been passed down for thousands of years,
    hope they got washed along the way

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Well, now we know who’s been raiding archaeological sites. I never suspected it was dildo thieves.

      • Jeamonn

        Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull Fuck?

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Rule 34.

    • Suse

      Are they dishwasher safe?

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    You know, I would laugh a bit more at the good pastor and all,
    if he was not claiming to make the inedible into food and then forcing children to eat it.
    Animal abuse bullshit, dude needs to be locked up for child abuse. WTF is God on the smiting of the assholes? Ever since he went and became a dad he’s been way too mellow

    • YayConspiracy

      I think it was Eric Satie who once said: Leave God alone. Ever since the death of his son, he’s grief-stricken and can’t eat another bite.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      This psychopathic charlatan will keep on raising the ante, until he kills somebody. Then they’ll jail him. And then some other nutbar will take his place.
      Humanity is still a long way from getting rid of religion: it’s only the 21st century.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        What do you suppose will come first; the extinction of our species, or the freedom from religion?

        • Steverino247

          Extinction. No question.

          • dshwa

            We’ll all be going down in flames and they’ll still be praying for deliverance instead of, I don’t know, not polluting the shit out of the planet.

  • Jeamonn

    I mean the crystal dildo thing is pretty insane…but I am concerned that the 1st South African Church of Pica may take off and I will have to have to chase people off my lawn because they are eating the grass. Wait…I’m not a fan of mowing my lawn. Maybe this could work out.

    • Don’t yell too loud…they embarrass easily. They’re sheepish like that. Also, if they do start eating, don’t take it personally…they may just be trying to get your goat.

      • data_ninja

        I’ve herd that line before.

  • Suse

    I hope this is true, but it’s only 9:00 am in California.

  • H0mer0

    what about piezoelectric crystal dildos? Perhaps that could double as a Kegel-sizer (the flashing lights tell you you are squeezing hard enough.

    OT, I just realized this morning that the Donald was a perfect metaphor for “American Exceptionalism” with his frequent threats of trivial lawsuits, bankruptcies, and his demonizing of the poor, the browns, and women.

  • Antimassacree

    That crystal dildo site is [sic]!

  • Me not sure

    ” A rock up the cooch can be quite transcendental, butt diamonds are a girl’s best friend”.

  • Ricky Gay

    The crystal slit is being filled

    A thousand girls, a thousand thrills

    A million ways to spend your time

    When we get back, I’ll drop a line
    ♫♫

    • H0mer0

      I used to love that song. Now I like it even better! Now show me the way to the next whiskey bar….oh, don’t ask why…

    • HogeyeGrex

      Lanthanum Woman

  • Querolous

    (because your pastor is so special and perfect and wonderful and also needs $6.5 million for a private jet plz k thx)
    What happened? Thought it was a $65 million jet. Did he lose 90% of his flock?

  • You know…my grandpa was into building crystal radio sets when he was a lad…this may explain all that time he spent in his room.

  • YayConspiracy

    A friend of mine is a urologist. Apparently there are many sacred objects that people stick in their private parts to add a sense of sacredness to your play time. Coca cola bottles, pencils (in penises)…

    • Suse

      I review medical records for a living. You have no idea.

      • dshwa

        I worked in an ICU for a decade. I have a plenty good idea.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      What’s really embarassing is being denied coverage for a pre-existing condition.
      (Fixed by the A.C.A. – thanks, Obama!)

    • PubOption

      The phrase ‘put lead in your pencil’ has obviously confused some idiots.

  • goonemeritus

    I never get important news like this on foreignpolicy com.

  • Donna Rail

    I already took a shower this morning, but I think I need another after reading this.

  • Joshua Norton

    Sometimes I feel if you’re picking a crystal, you should go flat out on intuition and not necessarily read about what it does.

    So you should just pull the data out of your ass. Literally!

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Well it makes sense to pull out the data . . . you’d have to be pretty much information-free before you put one of these crystals in.

  • Bill Slider

    Crystal dildos, I think I would recommend checking with your hospital emergency room administrator as to how many had to be removed surgically last year before purchasing one. Also, most crystal is not lead free, just saying.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Make sure you fast for at LEAST several hours before you have E.R. folks describe the kinds of things they surgically remove from certain orifices on patients.

      • Bill Slider

        That was my point. I have read about the stupid things people insert without considering possible consequences. There are more than a few colostomy patients out there that are living proof.

      • dshwa

        Health care workers, particularly those of us in critical care, are all eventually immune to nausea, and we tend to forget the rest of you aren’t. Eventually, after all the shit you see (literal and otherwise), it simply doesn’t phase you to talk about it.

        • H0mer0

          Maybe critical care types and surgeons are immune, but I still can be induced to vomit with the wrong combination of colors, textures and odors (and sounds, especially the occasional gurgle.)

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          I know an E.R. doc and a long time nurse. Apparently, the phrase “he acts like he’s got a Buick Skylark up his ass” is not so far from reality.

        • EMTs/paramedics too. Remembering dirty looks from those at nearby tables when the war stories got a bit too loud at Denny’s…

          • dshwa

            Been there, done that.

    • lesterthegiantape

      It’s okay if you don’t use the whole chandelier.

      • sw19womble

        IOKIYDUTWC?

  • Suse

    Every time I see this “preacher” I can’t help but think of Jonestown.

  • YayConspiracy

    God commanded the spirit of narcissistic nastiness to enter one certain Penuel. And immediately (and probably even long before that) Penuel started behaving like a dangerous idiot.

  • Kakkeltje

    made from 100% pure crystal that bring a sense of sacredness to your playtime
    Sacredness?? No thanks, I prefer my playtime with a sense of debauchery and sin…

    • John Smith

      I you are not ashamed and/or disgusted in the a.m., you’re not doing it right. It should take at least an hour before you can look your S. O. in the eyes.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        John Waters once said he was so glad he was raised Catholic because, no matter what, sex would always be dirty.

        • John Smith

          12 years of St. Joseph Central. That’s me.

      • guppy06

        Let me fix that:

        It should take at least an hour before you can go home and look your S. O. in the eyes.

        • John Smith

          Trying to get me killed?

          • guppy06

            No more than you are yourself.

    • guppy06

      That’s easy: use the wrong end of the crystal.

      • Kakkeltje

        Off course! Just reverse the polarity! I should have known that.

        • guppy06

          And fantasize about Wil Wheaton while you’re at it.

  • lesterthegiantape

    Off-topic, but I just commented on a story in the Jerusalem Post. If I’m never seen again, it’s probably because the ADL has hunted me down.

    • bozilingus

      ADL – Americans for the Defense of Lunacy (AKA The Republican Party)?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Asshole Defense League

    • Charles Cates

      Link, por favor.

    • jmk

      I just read the comments. I couldn’t decide how I felt about them – it’s either comforting to know that every country has wingnuts, or terrifying to realize we’re exporting the crazy.

      • lesterthegiantape

        Let’s recall a lot of them are actually Americans with dual citizenship, so it might just be rebadging, like the Ford Fiesta and the Mazda 2.

        • jmk

          This is true…I had forgotten about that.

    • PubOption

      Did they make you cut the dick jokes?

      • lesterthegiantape

        SO TO SPEAK

  • memzilla

    Rule 34.
    .

    • There’s only six of them. What’m I supposed to do on Sunday?

      • Grokenstein

        Discord.

      • M H

        That’s where the crystals come in – give that peener a rest!

      • Markuserektus

        Rest ;-)

    • Grokenstein

      CELESTIA DAMMIT HUMANS

      • guppy06

        That’s “Molestia” to you!

    • sw19womble

      I won’t ask what you were actually searching for! :-0

    • Beaumarchais?

      Well, now we know what to get Dok for his birthday!

    • Markuserektus

      Saves a trip to Arizona!

    • guppy06

      The funny/sad/weird thing is that Twilight Sparkle’s model reminds me of someone I used to know…

      (No, not the color.)

  • Zyxomma

    I worked for a couple of years at a rock shop, selling crystals, jewelry, and carvings made of rocks. These included balls (I know, the jokes write themselves), eggs and massage wands. The goods at chakrub.com bear an uncanny resemblance to the latter. The prices on these wands-cum-sex toys, however, are super-inflated. If you want one for playtime, there are plenty of massage wands on eBay, at much better prices. I’m certain you can “set your intention” just as well with a cheaper model.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Yes, these are essentially just polished rocks. They aren’t even crystals. (Though they contain many very tiny crystals.)

      Of course, getting genuine crystals large enough to form the desired objects would be pretty expensive, AFAIK.

      • Zyxomma

        You are entirely correct, Diplomat; they’re polished rocks. I should know, I own enough of them. I also have an extensive collection of gorgeous crystals, geodes, etc. The crystals (especially the quartz) are too damned sharp to use for sex play, or even massage. I’ve dug for crystals. One wears work gloves, because without them there will be blood. Which would probably be fine with Prophet Penuel the Pervert.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba
      • gregormendel

        What an excellent grift Ms. Coochie has!

      • Markuserektus

        What would one do with fifty dildos? Hand them out at the next R debate?

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Sell ’em for $150 apiece, obvs.

    • Y’know what’s even cheaper and will do in a pinch (my friends tell me)? A cucumber. Go organic and wash it first, in case you don’t want wax and pesticides in your no-no hole. Added benefit: compostable!

      • eggsacklywright

        English cucumber if you’re feeling adventurous.

      • PubOption

        That was Kourtney’s schtick.

    • bozilingus

      “Paging Dr. Ben Wa, Dr. Ben Wa to the Emergency Room…”

  • Latverian Diplomat

    he has the power to do magic like Jesus did. Sure, officially speaking Jesus’ superpowers came from being the SON OF A FUCKING GOD, but recognizing hubris has never been evangelicals’ strong suit.

    True, but there’s Mathew 17:20:

    And Jesus said unto them, Because of your unbelief: for verily I say unto you, If ye have faith as a grain of mustard seed, ye shall say unto this mountain, Remove hence to yonder place; and it shall remove; and nothing shall be impossible unto you.

    And Mark 16:17-18 that gave us excorcisms, snake handling, speaking in tongues, and faith healing:

    And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;

    They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.

    So, the crazy has been in the mix for a long time.

  • Anarchy Pony

    This kind of ridiculous shit is why I so often sympathize with super villains.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      At least Hydra never asked its agents to eat grass and pretend to like it.

  • OK, but take it from me: don’t put anything super hard, brittle, or even remotely breakable in your naughty holes. You’re just asking to have your dildo altar/meditation room reported all over the internet before you even get back from the ER. And if you live in Florida, you can pretty much count on showing up here.

    • Catstro

      Also, anything not flanged. That’s a recipe for explaining how the crystal up your butt was “a million to one shot, doc”.

      • H0mer0

        there’s an apocryphal story about a proctologist trying to retrieve a vibrator that went where no man has gone before, and every time he managed to grasp it with forceps, it would push the “on” button, causing it to migrate further away.

        • Beaumarchais?

          At least that’s what he told the patient.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        But, do they get good radio reception?

    • sw19womble

      I know those glass dildos I see advertised (occasionally, honest!) are made of toughened wotsit, but they always scare me. :(

    • bozilingus

      Do they make a fusilli crystal dildo? Asking for a weird friend.

      • H0mer0

        Does he have “Assman” plates?

    • Beaumarchais?

      Sounds like there’s a story behind this. Go on…

    • John Smith

      And make sure there is some sort of handle, string or backstop. Otherwise, you’re gonna have a bad time. And a story you can’t tell the grand-sprogs.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    I’m getting the Ronco Pocket Chakrub, As Seen On TV. Only $19.95!

  • Joshua Norton

    So does this mean we should be looking forward to a new Waterford line of sex toys?

    (Just asking for a friend who isn’t weird at all.)

    • Swarovski libel!!!

      • LarkintheAM

        Hey, anything is better with teh bling.

      • Biff52

        You never know where that Fabergé egg has been, either.

  • whatwhomever

    A wise man once told me he could re-align my ki energy by putting his dick in my butt. He was a very wise man.

    • When my ki energy is out of alignment, I’m willing to try just about anything.

      • AlanInSF

        The new Kia Optima is always in alignment.

        • Msgr_Moment

          I find these puns tiring. (tyring for you Canadians)

    • H0mer0

      My S.O. uses that line on me all the time (doesn’t work–I mean as far as getting me to try it.)

  • Beowoof14

    How much is the Dinesh D’Souza dildo, asking for a friend with a small dick fetish.

    • drbloor

      That item isn’t available. They’re still trying to figure out how to get an AAA battery into something smaller than an AAA battery.

  • schmannity

    The guy who invented the Pet Rock is kicking himself.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Yes, by the pool of his house in the Hollywood hills.

    • willi0000000

      you think that’s bad . . . the guy who invented Mental Floss hanged himself.

      • eggsacklywright

        What the world really needs is genital floss.

        • Biff52

          Just gotta wear the thong backwards!

  • Fly

    I can sell my crystal chandelier to dildo’s for how much?

  • shastakoala

    Just wondering if these chakrubs come with the phone number of a healer. Although the healer might use another crystal to heal you. I’m over thinking this.

  • toomanyrappers

    Now, you can tell people that try to strike up conversations about power crystals to go diddle themselves without sounding snarky. :)

  • weejee

    Love me some tent shows, since I lost my evilgelical virginity in Tejas (where else?) back in the early ’70s. And in yer led photo Fare, the 18-wheeler is pulling a serious tent pole.

    / Elmer Gantry weeps

    • willi0000000

      i wish there was a way to get people under 60 to watch Elmer Gantry . . . it would make life so much simpler.

      • Me not sure

        Would never get made today.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      If you’ve ever been to an Amway (or whatever they’re calling it this week because of brand-taint) sales meeting, you’ll note that it has the exact same rhythms as a tent revival show, except the Mammon worship is out in the open and unashamed.

      • Vegan and Tiara

        I’m afraid to ask what you were doing at an Amway event.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          An Army buddy (a fellow officer, for the love of George C. Marshall!) invited me to it of course without telling me what it was.

          Still, it was a very interesting experience, because once they got started, I knew exactly what was going on and from then on I played anthropologist.

          • Vegan and Tiara

            You weren’t filled with the desire to start trying to peddle some home cleaning products?

          • Villago Delenda Est

            No, the way these things work, is you have the big group meeting, which is intended to get you all excited and vulnerable about wealth beyond the dreams of C. Montgomery Burns, then there are the little gettogethers afterwards in a group of say 10 people over coffee and pie at a nearby restaurant where the hard sell starts. The theory being that your brain has been softened up by the tent revival meeting, and now it’s time to move in for the kill.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Are you sure the coffee and pie aren’t to soften your brain up with the transfat?

          • Biff52

            Jebus, that’s how I got into Synanon. IT’S A TRAP!

          • Woah! You weren’t filled with the desire to put rattlesnakes in people’s mailboxes?

          • Biff52

            In the SF ‘burb I grew up in there were no mailboxes, but rather a letter slot in the front door. Many front door steps had a big dog tied to it, so no snakes, no flaming bags of poo, no nuthin’.

          • Celtic_Gnome

            Admiral Akbar libel!

  • tihond

    Real Housewives of Ntlantla really took the franchise in a new direction.

  • eggsacklywright

    Dammit, Marie, they’re MINERALS!

  • Msgr_Moment

    OT: Our old buddy Tom Coburn talks trash about the GOP “Not Ready For Primetime Players

    • dshwa

      Time to start drinking, I agreed with Tom Colburrn about something.

    • schmannity

      He is level-headed; as the article points out, he believes that the Second Amendment should allow the purchase of bazookas and that doctors performing abortions should be executed.

      • Msgr_Moment

        When will Mike Dinglebee call for arming our fetuses?! Huh?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He had no seriously disparaging words about Hucksterbee, but he really laid into Tribblehead Rand.

    • bobbert

      As DustBowlBlues refers to him: “Spooky Doctor Tom”.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Man, I got all excited until I clicked on the link. I read the comment too fast as Tom Cotton. I haz a disappoint.

  • Vienna Woods

    If your cooter is crunchy, you’re doing it wrong.

    • nmmagyar

      or you sat in Rice Krispys

      • eddi

        Or been to the beach.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Do you suppose a crystal dildo could realign the potty-mouth chakras in Donald Trump’s pie hole?

  • RevZafod

    “Fucking your way to enlightenment is the most forgotten peg on the Noble Eightfold Path.”

    Reminds me of this from Candy: 1:33:07 to 1:49:17
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bNP8Q_8u89A

  • Swampay

    “Cuccia”. Haha. I assume that’s pronounced “Cooch-ya” I see what you did there.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Cicciolina…the Italian porn star member of parliament.

      • Biff52

        So unattractive, yet so hawt…

    • maman

      I guess Cooch-E-ya

      • Mehmeisterjr

        What Cooch-E-ya-paz!

  • mtn_philosoph

    Last week Yr Wonkette took a look at Prophet Penuel Mnguni, pastor of the End Times Disciples Ministry in South Africa.

    Uh-oh … not this asshole again.

    He was the guy that told his congregation to eat live snakes because through the POWER OF JESUS he’d turned them into chocolate.

    *groan*

    In another post, Penuel commanded snake demons to enter the bodies of several congregants, who then proceeded to flop around on the ground like they’d had a few too many sips of the communion wine.

    Serpent deity LIBEL!!!!!![[!!!!1[[!!!1 (Yeah, I know … different continent, different era, different religious tradition … But still, this just. Pisses. Me. Off. I mean, AS IF any real deified serpent would ever do that to a worshipper! So disrespectful … not to anyone like me, but to the congregation!)

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Cuccia can’t be her real name. It sounds too much like a regional slang term for vaginas. “Man, that girl got herself one sweet cuccia, if you know what I mean.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Kate Micucci, the cute half of Garfunkel and Oates, libel!
      (Her solo act is titled “Playin’ with Micucci.” )

  • guppy06

    Wonder how well they do debugging our laptops.

    Usually it’s downloading videos of such things that gums up my people’s laptops to begin with.

  • guppy06

    we don’t magically grow breasts and cleavage upon sucking our first dick

    Keep at it!

  • Sheesko

    Last thing in the world I would trust anywhere near my lady parts. Crystals have a tendency to crack along their many fault lines and, even when highly polished) have microscopically small surface imperfections that can irritate dainty membranes. For the same reason, they are not the most sanitary choice.

  • All I can think about are cervix burns from using the prism crystal dildo outdoors in the sun.

  • guppy06

    With regards to the crystal dildos, one major design flaw comes to mind: they’re probably as cold as a speculum.

    • Annie Towne

      And slippery as an eel, once you get going.

  • Ilgattomorte

    Yes, crystals are bullshit, but the great truth is that the ultimate Chakra is between the pubis and the butthole, in the area commonly referred to as the taint. That is why I have, in cooperation with science, developed the Taintorizer.

    The crystal people are selling false science. Our bodies are precise electromagnetic devices, but crystals have no influence upon that energy. The Taintorizer balances the energy in the taint to optimize the pleasure zones and promote good health by energizing the taint and allowing it to tell the rest of the body to “get on the stick”.

    Now some have disparaged the Taintorizer by referring to it as “two alligator clips attached to a car battery”, but these people are not scientists. The Taintorizer is a scientific device that balances the positive and negative ions in the taint to achieve a full Chakra experience. Accept no substitutes.

    We guarantee complete satisfaction with the Taintorizer, but if you experience taint stimulation lasting more than four hours see a physician. So ask your doctor about the Taintorizer, and remember, keep a straight face.

    • Ms. Morte

      …Honey? Where are the jumper cables? They’re not in the trunk…

  • sillyclucker

    Are they made of crystal meth? That would explain one’s increased energy.

  • I got my rocks off to this week’s S.O.B., Fare la Volpe

    http://i2.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/117/221/36a.jpg

    Literally.

  • tegrat

    Wow, Deepockets Chopra is probably pissed he didn’t think of this crystal thing first.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    “Some people say it’s a placebo. If it is a placebo, it’s still helping.”

    I hear this from sellers of woo all the time, and it’s not fair at all. You can’t sell people the placebo effect, because the placebo effect isn’t something that occurs in a predictable and reliable way. You can’t sell something you can’t deliver. It’s like saying: “Buy this crystal, and you will win the lottery.” Sure, that person might win the lottery, but you can’t guarantee it.

  • Blank Ron

    I’d’a been WAY more impressed if the crystal dildos had been realistically shaped. Plus maybe a horse-shaped one for Shining-Armor-and-Princess-Cadance pony play.

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