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This debate had Miss Peggy giddy, GIDDY, WE TELL YOU!

He was not her usual bodega guy, the one who was already ringing up a new box of Mylanta the moment he saw her weaving her way across Third Avenue after a heavy night spent downing bar nuts and Bourbon Cobblers. This new counterman was unfamiliar with the pre-debate rituals of one Peggy Noonan, sister in good standing of the Order of Methaqualone Stupors. So he deserved the resulting disdain when he said he hoped she wasn’t planning a presidential debate drinking game to facilitate the consumption of her purchases. At least not if she wanted to keep her liver from fleeing to Bolivia. Her noble and icy stare caused him to stop mid-sentence, a thin line of drool descending from his lip in his panic, and hurriedly make change from the two crisp portraits of Benjamin Franklin she shoved at him.

She gathered up her things and left the bodega, irritated for the hundredth time that day about the outbreak of Legionnaires’ Disease in the Bronx that had Manuel hooked up to a respirator in Montefiore and not here, tending to her debate preparation with the attention to detail of Steve Erdedy. Tonight was a big night, when her beloved Republican Party would begin the arduous process of snatching the White House from the claws of that shrill harridan Hillary Clinton and restoring order to America. And she would be there to fawn over the buffet of choices to succeed the terrible Moor occupying the Oval Office.

The reliably on-point and interesting Carly Fiorina has been declared the overwhelming winner. That surprised me because I’ve seen her better, including this past weekend at the Koch donors seminars in California, where to some she was a revelation.

The way Mrs. Fiorina spouted talking points she had cribbed from reading nothing but National Review headlines was truly something to behold.

A political operative emailed me: “He just gave [a rude gesture] to the RNC.”

Heavens, do not tell anyone what that rude gesture was! This is a family political column! Children might read it!

Mr. Trump’s fiery clash with Megyn Kelly, after she challenged him on crude things he has said about women, did not work in his favor. He was boorish and ungentlemanly. Yes, I know that sounds quaint. The things he was accused of saying, which he didn’t deny, were ugly. However, the moment yielded probably the most memorable line of the evening: “Only Rosie O’Donnell.”

Ha ha, Rosie is a liberal, outspoken Hollywood lesbian, so it is okay to elevate this crack to the exalted status of “You’re no John Kennedy” because everyone knows what Republicans think of those people. Megyn Kelly, on the other hand, is a proper conservative woman who knows that Santa Claus is white, and therefore she is more worthy of respect.

Marco Rubio was fresh, crisp and poised. [Ed. Note: We’re pretty sure this is the point where Ms. Noonan’s Klonopin had kicked in.] Hillary Clinton, he said, won’t be able to lecture him on living paycheck to paycheck because “I was raised paycheck to paycheck.”

She needed an example of Hillary Clinton “lecturing” about living paycheck to paycheck and not “expressing empathy for” people who have to do so. She made a quick note to tell the syphilitic howler monkey employed as a researcher for the Wall Street Journal editorial page to look that up before her column was locked.

Mr. Paul accused Mr. Christie of taking President Obama’s side: “I know you gave him a big hug.” Mr. Christie was quick: “The hugs that I remember are the hugs that I gave to the families,” after 9/11. It was a fabulous cheap shot followed by excellent special pleading. Bravo for first-class fisticuffs.

Bully! It was a first-class sort of fight not seen since Battling Siki was taking on all comers in the rings of Europe. Bravo to these spirited chaps for appropriating the survivors of Hurricane Sandy and 9/11 for the purpose of taking cheap shots in a political debate!

Mr. Bush achieved adequacy.

Words that will be carved on the man’s tombstone.

Anyway, it was alive. I wonder if Hillary Clinton is wondering how she can look alive.

Step one: Stay away from Peggy Noonan.

[WSJ]

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  • geoffalnutt

    Those aren’t “orgasms”! They’re “organisms”. Easy spelling mistake. Peggington Noonington has a virulent case of ‘gin worm’. They crawled in her ear as she lay, passed out, under the mahogany credenza.

  • Nounverb911

    ” is a proper conservative woman who knows that Santa Claus is white”
    Really?

  • …fresh, crisp, and poised…

    Is that Noonan-speak for “surprisingly articulate for a brown person”?

    • Antimassacree

      And clean. Surprisingly, refreshingly…clean.

    • JohnnyZhivago2

      That’s the way I like my salad!!!!!

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Carly is VERY good at talking points because she is your typical computer/telecom sales droid. She is highly prone to exaggeration and bullshit though – so mark my words – as the spotlight turns to her she will blow it by saying something monumentally stupid.

    BTW, when I first ran into her, everyone had her figured as a total BS artist in 30 seconds. So it shows how fucking stupid our pundits are.

    • Nounverb911

      “Trust me, the software is bug free and fully tested”?

      • JohnnyZhivago2

        Yep when she knows not a line of code has even been contracted out to india to be written yet.

    • JustPixelz

      She is vaporware.

      • Biff52

        Vapor, pink mist, whichever.

    • Vecciojohn

      Her entire career is a testament to how fucking stupid our corporate boards are and what a joke our whole corporate governance system is.

  • Spotts1701

    The reliably on-point and interesting Carly Fiorina has been declared the overwhelming winner.

    Carly being the “winner” of the JV Debate is like being named “tallest dwarf”.

    • Nounverb911

      Dopey?

      • Antimassacree

        Sleezy?

        • Nounverb911

          I thought that was… well… AOT,K?

        • Grumpy, from what I’ve heard.

          • AntiDerpomeme

            Has Manuel been blabbing again?! A few raps on the hand with a wet hose will teach him to be so impertinent!

          • DahBoner

            Kris Krispy Kreme?

        • Msgr_Moment

          Kochy.

        • arglebargle

          Botoxy?

          • BehaveYrself

            Brokey?

        • HolidayinCambodia

          Sacked-y?

    • Msgr_Moment

      or an “adequate Bush”.

      • Steverino247

        Must be a swimsuit reference…

        • BattyKitch

          Oh crap, I missed the swimsuit competition…

          • Biff52

            You didn’t miss much.

          • kindness

            Thank the FSM you didn’t have a shot of Peggy in a swim suit. Not enough brain bleach in the world for that.

          • Biff52

            You can use your imagination. I imagined this pic to be iCarly after a tanning session with Boner.

  • freakishlystrong

    What debate did she watch? “Crisp?” “Fiery?”

    • Nounverb911

      Bay Watch?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      It’s pretty clear that someone sent out a “pump up Rubio” memo. She’s not the only one pushing that line.

    • coozledad

      Succulent.

      • arglebargle

        Moist.

    • Painter of Goats

      I think she got the debate confused with her Cheetos Flamin’ Hot puffs. Alcohol will do that to you.

      • lynchie

        She was dreaming of the day Ronald Raven stuffed her Hot Pocket

    • Gleem-McShinez

      I am guessing Manuel usually clickers up the nightly news onto the videoscreen for her, and she was too soused to realize she ended up watching one of those chef competition shows.

  • Nounverb911

    “irritated for the hundredth time that day about the outbreak of Legionnaires’ Disease in the Bronx that had Manuel hooked up to a respirator in Montefiore”
    Is that when Nooner’s “Reaganaire’s” Disease had a flareup?

  • lucidamente

    You know who else Peggy says is fresh, crisp, and poised?

    • Spurning Beer

      The Rice Crispies mascots?

    • Hemp Dogbane

      R Raven?

    • Painter of Goats

      Her adult diapers first thing in the morning?

    • Certainly not President Obama.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      The guy on the Beefeater bottle?

      • kindness

        A full bottle. An empty bottle, not so much. Pegs is used to seeing the empty ones.

    • arglebargle
    • DahBoner

      The iceburg lettuce salad at The Four Seasons hotel?

    • Callyson

      That thing on Donald Trump’s head?

      • lynchie

        that thing wanted to do battle with the micro pomeranian on Rand’s head.

  • schmannity

    It’s not fair that Peggy always wins the Drinking Game.

    • Tallmutha

      Well, she plays by the Peggington Rules: Take a drink whenever a speaker uses a noun, pronoun, verb, adjective, adverb, conjunction, preposition, or interjection.

      • deanbooth

        And after the third drink she hears voices.

        • Toomush_Infer

          Drink!…

  • Joshua Norton

    The reliably on-point and interesting Carly Fiorina has been declared the overwhelming winner.

    An honor which is right up there with being declared the meth user with the most teeth.

    • Toomush_Infer

      Did they all write this line before the show?…

  • Latverian Diplomat

    I made the mistake of skimming the CNN page on a bunch of pundits trying to declare winners and losers. They all contradicted each other. CNN probably considers this a feature (look, we represent all points of view!) but what it really says is that it didn’t change anyone’s mind or leave strong impressions.

    If so, that means the current frontrunners “won”, if the word “win” can even be applied to such a ghastly event.

    • I can’t even describe as a “debate” – more of a job interview or something. (Of course, I didn’t watch it, so I actually don’t know what happened.)

    • Nounverb911

      It’s just like 6 year old soccer, everyone gets a trophy.

    • artem1s

      Megyn summed it up perfectly IMO

      KELLY: Are you relieved? You were nervous before, they — they don’t look relieved. They look “get me outta here.”

      I think the Faux moderators were more bored than all the viewers combined.

  • coozledad

    Hillary Clinton, he said, won’t be able to lecture him on living paycheck to paycheck because “Nobody’s offered to comp my speedboat and home sauna yet”.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Oh my stars and garters! Trump was boorish and ungentlemanly! Such a shock and surprise, as it is quite a divergence from his typical well-polished bearing.

    In any event, from what I can tell reading today’s recaps, Trump hasn’t lost any support based on last night’s bombast. Those that love him and his sexist egotistical rantings are still firmly behind him.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s not just the sexism, it’s the racism, and the yelling “stupid stupid stupid” that they love.

      • willi0000000

        and he’s rich . . . just like they’re all gonna be.

        [ when that lotto ticket finally hits ]

  • Callyson

    I just realized I haven’t mentioned Scott Walker. He did himself no harm. He’ll likely improve as the stage gets smaller too.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      The whole “women should die rather than have an abortion to save their lives” thing pretty much will follow him around forever.

      • Callyson

        How did I miss that? I guess I had more to drink during that debate than I thought…

      • OneDemin EOr

        Oh hell, now I gotta watch the thingy I TiVo’d

    • Nounverb911

      Especially since he won’t be on it, unless, of course, the Koch’s buy it for him.

  • Steverino247

    “He was not her usual bodega guy, the one who was already ringing up a
    new box of Mylanta the moment he saw her weaving her way across Third
    Avenue after a heavy night spent downing bar nuts and Bourbon Cobblers.”

    Wonkette noir?

  • dslindc

    Hooray! I was worried that Sister Peggy Noonan wouldn’t grace us with more alcoholic mumbling (not worried enough to pick up the WSJ mind you, but still).

  • JustPixelz

    “Anyway, it was alive. I wonder if Hillary Clinton is wondering how she can look alive.”

    Come on Peggy, Hillary’s not that old. She’s younger than Ronald Reagan Raven was when he cast his halo upon thou.

  • Callyson

    No one can lecture Marco Rubio about living within his means? Is that a fact, NYT linky?

    Among the serious contenders for the presidency, Mr. Rubio stands out for his youth, for his meteoric political rise — and for the persistent doubts about his financial management, to the point that Mitt Romney’s presidential campaign flagged the issue when vetting Mr. Rubio as a possible running mate in 2012, interviews show.

    Many of those troubles have played out in an unusually public way, leading even some of his supporters to worry. As he rose in politics, he sometimes intermingled personal and political money — using a state Republican Party credit card years ago to pay for a paving project at his home and for travel to a family reunion, and putting his relatives on campaign payrolls.

    Other moves seemed simply unwise: A few weeks ago, he disclosed that he had liquidated a $68,000 retirement account, a move that is widely discouraged by financial experts and that probably cost him about $24,000 in taxes and penalties.

    In the past week, he sustained a new loss when he sold his second home in Florida’s capital, Tallahassee, for $18,000 less than he and a friend paid for it a decade ago. The house had previously faced foreclosure after Mr. Rubio and his friend failed to make mortgage payments for five months.

    tl;dr: bitch, please…

    • Msgr_Moment

      Yes, thank you. Exactly what crossed my mind when he bargled it.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      To be fair, he is financially clueless, reckless and irresponsible but it is fresh cluelessness, crisp recklessness and poised irresponsibility.

      • BehaveYrself

        And he reminds her of Manuel. Light-, but not too-, brown…

    • Come here a minute

      That’s the fantastic thing about Rubio — he can live paycheck to paycheck no matter how big the paycheck is!

  • DahBoner

    I’m living from Johhny Paycheck to Johhny Paycheck album…

    http://chattanoogabystander.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/08/johnnypaycheck-300×297.jpg

    Take this debate and shove it.

  • Doug Langley

    “fresh, crisp, and poised”

    Hey, was this a debate or a produce department?

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Sounds like a douche commercial.

      “Summer’s Eve, for when you need to feel fresh, crisp and poised”.

      • nmmagyar

        So the description was used properly, she was talking about a douche

        • Tallmutha

          Indeed, it could be said that the entire debate was history’s longest douche commercial.

          • Gleem-McShinez

            The difference being that douche manufacturers actually care about the health of ladyparts.

            This was more like floorwax manufacturers deciding to market their product as douches.

            Rather than the usual crossover dessert topping marketing.

          • lynchie

            just the longest douche

  • Joshua Norton

    He was boorish and ungentlemanly.

    And that thing on his head stood up and barked at her.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Does she not realize that boorish and ungentlemanly are the core attitudes among Teabaggers?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        The teabaggers just eat that shit up, indeed. This is why The Donald is surging…he’s being a bigger asshole than Christie, and being an asshole is Christie’s only reason for being in the race.

        • Toomush_Infer

          Actually, the way FAUX and Kelly set this thing up, I’m surprised he showed that much restraint….when two assholes meet…

        • Vegan and Tiara

          Well, he’s also helpful with the vertically challenged, which is approximately 83% of the GOP base.

    • lynchie

      he should send it back to Seigfreid and Roy for retraining. It’s legs got all octopussy

  • Callyson

    I really don’t know if fiery debates like Thursday evening’s will wind up building interest and excitement in the Republican field, or wearing and tearing it down. I don’t know if we’ll look back on this as the beginning of a making or a breaking. Maybe the former. Anyway, it was alive. I wonder if Hillary Clinton is wondering how she can look alive.

    http://ak-hdl.buzzfed.com/static/enhanced/web05/2012/8/8/11/anigif_enhanced-buzz-26907-1344438887-20.gif

    • Angry_Cop

      After last night, even my hardcore Tea Party coworkers acknowledge that she really doesn’t have much to worry about.

      • AntiDerpomeme

        Tea Party tears of despair. Delightful!

        • willi0000000

          . . . even better when served cold.

        • Mintie

          Tastes like sunshine and happiness.

        • DemmeFatale

          The schaden is freuding itself!
          Reap what you sow, baggers!

    • Biff52

      Is that another chicken joke dance?

  • memzilla

    What a Holocaust of a column. Reading it was just like slavery. I blame that Lawrence Welk music.

  • Callyson

    Mr. Bush achieved adequacy. He received respectful and supportive applause whenever he said anything, but didn’t say anything especially well. He continues to be the front-runner as odd duck.

    Say, you know who else achieved adequacy?

    • Nounverb911

      Jar Jar Bush?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Stuart Smalley?

    • lowenufc

      Me- multiple times.

    • Spotts1701

      “Gentleman’s C” Bush?

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Hitler? We haven’t heard about him in a while.

    • Msgr_Moment

      “helluva job” Brownie?

    • chicken thief

      Megyn Ke…. oops, not her. Not according to The Donald….

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Warren Harding that one time.

      • Vienna Woods

        As my high school US history teacher always said, “Warren G. Harding, that giant of the American political system.”

        • Villago Delenda Est

          I think your HS US history teacher and I would have got along swimmingly.

          • Vienna Woods

            He was awesome. an ex-Jesuit with a killer sense of humour. As I go into my last year teaching, I think of him often.

      • AnOuthouse

        A bail bondsman.

  • Angry_Cop

    “Mr. Bush achieved adequacy.”

    No, actually, he didn’t. He blew it so fucking badly that he’s the only one who I’d describe as coming out of that clusterfuck as having “lost”.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Wait. You mean Jeb! was there?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Was difficult to find him amongst all the other wooden turkeys, was it?

        Yes, yes it was.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        He was that cloudy lump of blancmange that was barely perceptible between Trump and Huck.

        • Doug Langley

          Ah, so it was his master plan to win at Wimbledon, right?

          Damn, I’ve got to stop watching Python.

        • OneDemin EOr

          Blancmange is his second middle name: John Ellis Blancmange Bush!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Hey Pegs, I don’t think the word “adequacy” means what you think it means.

    • lucidamente

      That’s what she says to all the cabana boys.

    • chicken thief

      I thought the big loser was Randy Paul. His “Obama hugger” to Christie didn’t come close to making up for Trump’s “you’re still lost over there” or whatevz it was.

      • Doug Langley

        You laugh, but the Tea Partiers have NEVER forgiven Crisco for that.

    • Tendernob

      I’m Pro-Life except in cases of rape, incest, or if the parents plan to name their baby ‘Jeb.’

      • Me not sure

        !.

        • Querolous

          í í

          • Me not sure

            ?.

  • chicken thief

    The debate was memorable only because Rubio managed to go two hours without gulping water, Christie two hours without gulping food, and Trump two hours without re-glueing his hair (?) to his skull.

    • crunchyknee

      Shoe Goo LIBELZ!

      • willi0000000

        yeah . . . that shit is forever . . . i had a pair of sneaks that were eventually about 60% Shoe Goo.

    • Tendernob

      However, during the commercial break I bet Donald Trump told dirty nursery rhymes to the audience.

    • glennisw

      They must’ve had a “no fans” rule in place, because Donald’s hair didn’t budge.

    • HolidayinCambodia

      Don’t bet on it. In one shot, I saw one of the “candidates” putting a water bottle onto a shelf in the lectern. I think that they knew when they wouldn’t be on camera, and they did whatever they wanted at those times.

    • lynchie

      Well he did eat a couple of rats backstage

  • crunchyknee

    Oh yeah, that is the stuff. Like Peggington awaits the smooth rush of her 3rd gin to invade her liver, I wait for Mr. Legum’s Dame Nooners screeds. Well played, sir.

    • lynchie

      It is the smooth rush of piss down her leg

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Hillary Clinton is consulting with Bamz about the Oval Office drapes right now. Does that answer your question, drunk stupid lady?

  • JustPixelz

    Hillary Clinton, he said, won’t be able to lecture him on living paycheck to paycheck because “I was raised paycheck to paycheck.”

    You know who else was raised paycheck-to-paycheck?

    AOTK, except: Donald Trump, Jeb Bush and (probably) Jindal.

    • chicken thief

      Well, Mitt had to live “cashing in stocks and bonds that his dad gave him” to “cashing in stocks and bonds that his dad gave him”. That count?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Oh, the huge manatee!

      • OneDemin EOr

        As well as “pasta and cheese on the fold-down ironing board because we had no dining room table”.
        Like everybody has a dining room!

        • sigyn

          I’m sure Anne Romney had no idea what else to do with an ironing board. I like to blend that in my mind with her “pasta and tuna fish” quote. My own kids hated tuna hot-dish; I wish I’d thought to call it somink classy.

  • Bill Slider

    I missed the Big Ten August Madness dance of the GOP presidential sugar-lime fairies. I was a bit busy manicuring my toenails and thinking about Senator Chuck Schumer deciding he was a Jew first, an American second and the third ranking Democrat in the Senate third if at all regarding the Iran deal. That’s not a vote in support of Israel fool, that’s a vote for the GOP that you have now promised. Hillary and Barry Bamz would like to see you after class fool.

    • janecita

      And this took you by surprise? Schumer’s first priority is Israel. He’s an AIPAC puppet.

      • lynchie

        it always has been. Didn’t hear a peep out of Debbie Wasserman=what the fuck

  • fawkedifiknow

    I always want to know what an old bag – whose last relevant job was writing speeches for an Alzheimer’s patient in the 1980’s -, has to say about the mood of the electorate and the quality of the forensic skills of a group of buffoons and charlatans.

  • JohnR

    Great piece of writing especially the first two paragraphs, best thing I’ve read in weeks. Peggy Noonan makes me nauseous.

  • glennisw

    It’s always great for a potential Presidential candidate to pick a random American citizen to slag. And for the moderators and audience to have a good laugh at his cleverness, too.

  • mardam422

    And as the ice-chilled glass now only partially filled with bourbon dripped cold water onto the fine linen tablecloth, Our Lady of the Perpetual Scowl stared at the flickering light from the video box. It had been a good night for the candidates, for Conservatism, for America, for her.

  • mardam422

    “Mr Bush achieved adequacy.”
    Wow! I hope her panties didn’t get too wet.

    • r m reddicks

      I bet his big boy pants did. Though it smelled more of piss.

  • Trump and the rest of those cadavers wore 90s style for 90s content. ¡Yebb! wants to bring back his Florida real estate bubble, Kasick’s got a boner for Gingrich’s Contract On America, Christie will privatize social security to fix it, Scotty the 6ft Napoleon, praises deficit spending, Ben Carson plays the Great Black Dope in the manner of Justice Thomas.

    Vote Republican! Erase the 21st Century! Tamagachis, Bill Bennett and magic dolphins are in ascendence!

    All this hogwash and nostalgia has made Dame Piggington wet in the shorts, ruining the leather on a perfectly good barstool.

    As 80s mindless noo aje yuppiedumb personified, Dame Piggington may be turning loose zombie blowjob queen Ronnie Reagan. Is she ready to accept BILL Clinton is President now?

    Pour Dame Piggington another one – she’s not prepared to move forward just yet, despite the nodding and vomit-flecks on her blouse.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Next debate, drink like a proper lady.

    Bourbon Cobbler recipe

    1 1/2 tsp superfine sugar
    3 oz club soda
    1 maraschino cherry
    1 slice orange
    1 slice lemon
    2 1/2 oz blended bourbon whiskey

    In an old-fashioned glass, dissolve the sugar in the club soda. Add crushed ice until the glass is almost full. Add the bourbon and stir well. Garnish with the cherry, orange and lemon slices.

    • r m reddicks

      Recipe mistake.

      In
      an old-fashioned glass, dissolve the sugar in the club soda. Add
      crushed ice until the glass is almost full.

      Throw all that shit away along with the fruit salad.

      Drink.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Better:

        Locate bottle.
        Open bottle.
        Drink until empty.
        Repeat.

        • Toomush_Infer

          Follow with methadone chaser…

        • r m reddicks

          You gotta’ burn some of those not exactly empty calories. Hence the muddle.

          • elviouslyqueer

            You gotta twist off the cap, son! Feel the BURN.

    • janecita

      Don’t bother with these peasants, they are all very unladylike!

  • Me not sure

    “As the lights of the debate stage grew dim, she had that old feeling that her safety net had been yanked from beneath her. Her old friend the shaky hand had returned and she knew that following close on his heels would be the deep cloud of the purple fog of meaninglessness that had been with her since the death of her beloved President Raven. There was only one answer………MANUEL!… Mommy needs you.”

    • r m reddicks

      infinite ^’s!

      • r m reddicks

        (infinite ^’s!) That to Me Not Sure’s exquisite tone poem. My bad for intermix.

    • r m reddicks

      I don’t know which is Noonan and which is Matalin but…

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zjUpv8tkvKM

      • Me not sure

        Matalin is the ugly one?

        • r m reddicks

          The ugly cabana boy?

          • Me not sure

            Okay.

        • lynchie

          the one married to snake head

          • Me not sure

            Drunk as hell on Bill Maher last night.

  • How hard can it possibly be to the “overwhelming winner” of the loser debate with the losers who couldn’t even get on the primetime loser show?

  • glennisw

    “The hugs that I remember are the hugs that I gave to the families,” after 9/11.”

    In what context did Christie hug 9/11 families? He was not the gov then.

    • r m reddicks

      Frottage.

    • Whale Chowder

      He claimed he was US Attorney but I just looked it up and according to Wiki he was appointed in 2002. So whatever he was doing was not in an official capacity (previously county legislator until 1998).

      Maybe “hug” is a Duggar-style euphamism?

      • Thaumaturgist

        Isn’t this interesting. Recon hug.

    • Biff52

      Someone else on stage could have scored major points by looking into camera 3 and saying “Cool story, bro.”

    • Manhattan123

      The only thing he hugs are the extra-large Taylor ham and egg sandwiches he downs every morning.

      • janecita

        Here in Jersey they are called pork rolls, and yes, he probably hugs the hell out of them before eating them.

      • lynchie

        He always orders the baker’s dozen

  • TheBidenator

    I want to take a moment and comment on that which doesn’t allow comments simply to note it’s awesome to read Gary mocking Peggles again, one of Wonkette’s best columns.

    • SK

      Indeed. It was missed.

  • TheBidenator

    That debate….I still don’t know what the hell that thing was about or what anyone really stood for, either. The only ideas I heard were according to lazy-eyed weasel Scott Walker the next President should behave like Vladimir Putin, Ben Carson thinks 10-10-10 will sell better than 9-9-9 and Chris Christy is really entrenched in the Bush era. Hell Trump was subdued (I think he was on Peggy’s laudanum) and therefore wasn’t really YOOGE, either. Other than that, just straight up asshollery and the Fox News primary in action…

    • Me not sure

      I would have sworn that “the lazy-eyed weasel” said at one point that Egypt was one of our best allies in Israel. Can any one tell me if I heard that right?

    • Vegan and Tiara

      The main gist of the debate was “killing babbies is really, really bad, and selling their little arms and legs is so horrible that we have to defund Planned Parenthood with tanks and rocket launchers.” They seem to have given up on the gay stuff, I guess it doesn’t sell like it used to.

  • Toomush_Infer

    I’m afraid none of these candidates have the proper, disdainful noblesse oblige so necessary to a Nooner….ah, for the days of Raven, or at least Mitt…

  • r m reddicks

    Where’s Mary Matalin when Peggy needs her? Someone has to bring the booze and pills.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Having the Bellatrix LeStrange of the GOP bring you your drink is an indicator of the Dark Lord’s favor.

      • r m reddicks

        The visions are all but delirium. Madder than De Sade or Passolini.

  • SquidLasers

    Yes, if there’s anybody in the GOP race who’s supporters are going to turn on them for being boorish and ungentlemanly, it’s Donald Trump. I don’t think his candidacy is going to be able to survive that sort of behavior.

    • Toomush_Infer

      I think that 26% Don’t Care!….I lived in Minnesota when folks were so pissed off at both parties, they elected a pro-wrestler on the basis of fighting action-character doll ads…

      • sigyn

        And yet, when you look back, Jesse Ventura wasn’t all that bad compared to what some states get when they elect career politicians. He was no Scott Walker; that’s for sure!

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Yes, and if there’s one thing the GOP is known for it’s their decorum and gentlemanly behavior. Ask Miss Lindsey, she of the wicked tongue.

      • lynchie

        his tongue is something McCain is very familiar with

  • elviouslyqueer

    Bravo for first-class fisticuffs.

    This must’ve been from the pay-per-view portion of the debate.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Yeah, it was right after the swimsuit portion.

  • FZsdaughter

    GARY’S BACK!

  • SK

    Our thoughts must be with Manuel. And how Cruz would have connected with him at a level a Carson or Walker could not have.
    Hey Peggy, at least get him that Guaca Bowle thingy. Messicans love that. And it’ll be a constant reminder of who to vote for.
    Perfectly adequate.

  • Mintie

    I was wondering what happened to Our Margaret. Glad to see her pharmacist is keeping her in top form.

  • jesuswasablack

    “Mr. Bush achieved adequacy”

    Well there you go a successful night for the Bush Crime Family!

  • Walter Wellstone

    The gin and Alka Seltzer dwindled in her glass as the debate unfolded; the mass of the thick glass tumbler damping the involuntary shaking of her hand. The crisp sound of the ice cubes colliding inside the glass mixed with Donald Trump’s voice as he told Megyn Kelly how much of a cunt she is without actually saying it soothed Dame Noonan’s spirit (she missed being put down like that by strong men before being taken on all fours on the kitchen floor.)

    She watched. She listened and she watched some more, her jaw clenching every time Ben Carson opened his mouth. She downed the last of her drink and threw the glass at the TV set, her face contorted with visceral rage at the thought of having to write yet another column in which the words “achieved adequacy” would be so hard to write.

    • Comrade Wingtardd 5467p

      I think she should chew the ice cubes in there somewhere towards the end …

      • Walter Wellstone

        Good idea. I can see her do that.

        • Comrade Wingtardd 5467p

          Esp. if it’s a drink that’s not supposed to have ice cubes.

    • Me not sure

      I smell serially authored novella in the works. Chapter two below.

      • Walter Wellstone

        That’s pretty hilarious… “Manuel… mommy needs you!” Love it.

        • Me not sure

          Back at you!

    • lynchie

      she always begged Regan to dry hump her in the oval office or was that orifice

  • Toomush_Infer

    Sort of OT: next time, will FAUX only let six on stage, and diminish the field like a sports competition?…that way, they could stay in charge of the whole show, and continue to put their thumb on the scales with their ridiculously imbalanced questions…

    • Biff52

      I think it should go like “Last Comic Standing”, which is the only so-called reality show I’ve ever seen. There might be a more cruel elimination process on one or more of the others that might be more appropriate, who even knows?

      • ThePuckStopsHere

        Make ’em “dance for their lives”!

        • Vegan and Tiara

          A circular shootout would be so much better.

          • NellCote71

            Appropriate since they are already in a circular clusterfuck.

          • lynchie

            a 10 man circle jerk

          • Vegan and Tiara

            Not that they’re gay or anything!

    • Vegan and Tiara

      Those questions were laughable, and so obviously out to take Trump down. I hope Fox managed to disgust enough of the GOP’s base that they will stay home on election day, or better yet they disgusted Trump enough that he’ll go rogue third party on them.

  • Comrade Wingtardd 5467p

    Seriously, how stupid do you have to be, to be impressed by any of this inane blather coming from these clowns?

    • Biff52

      An otherwise intelligent woman I know posted this morning on faceborg how impressed she was with Ben “I’m a doctor” Carson. She won’t expand any further, oddly enough.

      • dshwa

        I’m guessing her answer is “he was very articulate?”

      • Vegan and Tiara

        Oh, is he a doctor? I haven’t heard that 90 quadrillion times.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Noonan undoubtedly drank more than any of us last night, so there’s that.

  • CalvinianChoice

    The big winner of the night was The Wonkette. Best liveblog ever.

  • Tansy Geek

    Needz moar Ronald Raven!!

  • Metadude

    Love me some Gary Legum Noonan pieces!

  • Manhattan123

    Peggy probably did one of those drinking games during the debate. Of course, she also does those during The Price is Right, Murder She Wrote reruns, True Detective, the Sham-wow infomercial…..

  • Cheesus Crust

    Does anyone else want to see MTV bring back “Celebrity Death Match” and start with Peggy Noonan and Phyllis Schlafly? Or is that just me

    • lesterthegiantape

      It’s just you, but that’s what makes you special!

    • lynchie

      and the winner takes on Palin

    • Otto66

      Yes, please.

  • marxalot

    “Mr Bush achieved adequacy.” That’s what… she said?
    Some are born adequate?

  • janecita

    Yay, Gary is back! I missed Peggy’s adventures in alcoholism!

    • cousin itt

      I was getting the DT’s.

  • lesterthegiantape

    “the arduous process of clawing the White House from the snatch of that shrill harridan Hillary Clinton” — FIFY

  • UnsaltedSinner

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0VkrUG3OrPc

    I guess none of these candidates really match the sensual feet of St. Ronald Raven in Peggy’s eyes, but at least they’re not dead.

  • tegrat

    “pre-debate rituals” linky broke (sadface)

  • dshwa

    Mr. Bush achieved adequacy.

    Words that will be carved on the man’s tombstone.

    And that, dear friends, is why you read Wonkette.

  • Charles Cates

    I hope she heard Trump a couple of days ago when he said of Reagan, “I liked him and he liked me”.

    • Steve Zakszewski

      Isn’t that the Barney Song?

  • Vegan and Tiara

    Ade’quate Bush is my porn name.

  • Steve Zakszewski

    Hooray! She’s pallid, impaired, and back for more ‘lude & bourbon-soaked frolics and humping the leg of Zombie Reagan. I haven’t been this excited since, well, yesterday when I watched the GOP put on a display of stupid that registered 8.9 Dubyas. Or if you’re more old-school .89 DecaQuayles.

    • lynchie

      or as Perry called him “Ronald Raven”.

      • Otto66

        Perry is so nervous in live settings. That explains why he never did debates when he ran for Governor of Texagunbiblefuckyercousin.

  • proudgrampa

    It’s been a while since we’ve heard from Peggy. Has she been in rehab?

  • Otto66

    Brilliant writing, Mr. Legum. I laffed twice and snickered once. Keep on rock’n.

  • Paperless Tiger

    He was boorish and ungentlemanly. Yes, I know that sounds quaint.

    Only in your party, Hon, since they regressed to the Bronze Age. The rest of us are still stuck in the 21st century.

    • Wendel

      If Trump is the id of the GOP, who is the super-ego?

  • Wendel

    The Pegmeister has yet to achieve adequacy in her preferred format, but it’s still early.

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