SHARE
Not so secret anymore
Not so secret anymore

It’s a well-known fact that Republican sex scandals are the very best kind. For normal people who want to engage in consensual no-no sex, that’s their own private no-no sex bidness, to work out with the marriage counselors and divorce lawyers. But for those whose careers are built on regurgitating bumper stickers from “the Bible,” telling their fellow Americans which sex sticks should go in which sex holes, and how and when and in what position and for what purpose, well, that’s a whole nother thing entirely. Like, say, if you’re impeaching the president for getting some extramarital knob-polishing, while you are doing the very exact same thing. Or if you are writing amicus love notes to federal courts demanding the preservation of traditional boy-on-girl marriage, while you are sexting a college intern who is not your wife. Or if you give speeches about how consenting adults who love each other are a danger to children, but you have a history of finger-banging your own very young sisters. Or if a thousand other examples we could easily provide for you, but you’re smart enough to get the point.

Thus behold, America, your fresh new Republican sex scandal, courtesy of Michigan state Reps. Todd Courser and Cindy Gamrat:

The pair are socially conservative legislators who often invoke their Christian faith in pursuit of new legislation governing gun rights, abortion and marriage. Their political alliance dates back to Courser’s unsuccessful 2013 race for Michigan Republican Party chairman when Gamrat ran as his vice chairwoman. […]

In an unusual arrangement, Courser and Gamrat combined their office operations, having three aides effectively work for both of them.

Oh, and perhaps more unusually? They’ve also been fucking each other. For how long? Unclear:

“It wasn’t back to the beginning and it wasn’t yesterday,” said Courser, later adding “some things happened and shouldn’t have happened.”

Of course they are both married, with children, though not to each other. So when they each received anonymous text messages from someone who claimed to be well aware of their secret affair, they certainly realized how damaging it would be to their careers and reputations — as good Christian family values teabaggers, remember. But instead of quietly resigning, or coming clean to the press, their sad cuckholded spouses standing beside them, insisting they’d had a long hard talk with Jesus, and he’d forgiven them, so let’s move on, Rep. Courser came up with an even better idea: Why not spam his colleagues and media with an “anonymous” email with “an over-the-top story that’s obscene,” like, say, that he is a perverted gay-hooker-banging porn addict? That he could easily deny, and even blame on his political enemies, of whom he has many even among his own party, and, should the real story come out — that he and his secret straight lover have been using “their taxpayer-funded offices to maintain and cover up their relationship” — who would possibly believe it? Even if there were evidence, like photographs or videos or the like, well, that would seem like nothing compared to the gay stuff, right?

Pretty genius, huh? So Courser ordered Ben Graham, one of the aides he shared with his lover, to make that happen. But Graham, along with two other shared aides, was already quite uncomfortable with the illicit relationship.

Graham, [Keith] Allard and former aide Joshua Cline said they internally opposed the relationship between Courser and Gamrat and how it complicated the operations of their jointly run House office.

“Everything in the office was done and intertwined around their relationship — from time management to who’s going to get what bills,” said Cline, a former legislative director who quit working for Courser and Gamrat in April after he said he confronted them about their relationship and “unprofessional” office behavior.

Unsurprisingly, Graham was reluctant to participate in this completely insane conspiracy cooked up by his boss. Rather than do as he was told, he decided to secretly record his boss (which is legal in Michigan) explaining how this whole plan was supposed to work. On the recording, Graham repeatedly tries to dissuade his boss from going through with it:

“This is a crazy way to deal with this situation,” Graham told Courser on May 19. “Normally, people just like front it off, head it off themselves and say ‘Hey, this happened’ or quietly resign and go away.”

Ultimately, Graham refused to cooperate, and within less than two months, both he and Allard were fired without explanation. The email, however, sent by “George Rathburn,” ended up in a whole lot of inboxes anyway:

Courser, a Lapeer Republican, said […] the email was designed to create “a complete smear campaign” of exaggerated, false claims about him and Gamrat so a public revelation about the legislators’ relationship would seem “mild by comparison.”

Screen Shot 2015-08-07 at 7.06.48 AM

Courser has confirmed that it is indeed his voice on the recording with his former aide. He has offered no further comment, and it seems his sexxytime partner in crime, Michigan state Rep. Cindy Gamrat, has not spoken about the revelations, although on the recording, Courser assured Graham that she was trying to work things out with her husband.

As of press time, neither representative has said how they plan to explain this to the children.

[Detroit News]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Nounverb911

    “insisting they’d had a long hard talk with Jesus”
    Jesus? Isn’t he the undocumented worker, that doesn’t speak english, that cleans up for them at night?

    • Mhael

      Worse. He’s a foreign, Jewish, pacifist, socialist human rights worker who believes religion and politics should stay separate. He’s their worst nightmare.

      • mrpuma2u

        and this Jeshua ben Yosef fella has a hooker does foot fetish stuff to him.

  • doktorzoom

    Children, you HAVE TO LISTEN TO THE AUDIO! It’s like something out of a bad movie, and the poor aide just comes across as a reasonably sane person who has suddenly fallen into a pit of PURE CRAZY.

    • Nounverb911

      Do we have to? My computer is still vomiting from the last time you made us do that.

      • doktorzoom

        It’s gold, Jerry! GOLD!!

        • AntiDerpomeme

          “I’m not a homosexual… that’s probably part of the problem!”

          • I’ve had a surprising number of dates offer that as an excuse. I’m starting to think it might be me…

        • jviscont1

          sounded like a couple of Seinfeld show writers pitching plot lines.

        • JaaaaaCeeeee

          Ewww gold. State rep Courser telling himself he’s a gutter politics maestro of the write-your-own-sham scam burn, “I’m potentially running for Congress, I’m not gay…that’s probably part of the problem…”.

          11 eternal minutes of ewww. Even after his lowly aide says it won’t work, that Courser can just quit, and it might go away, and even after Courser agrees it won’t work, Courser immediately bounces back with, “no…they will believe some of it…Benjamin, work with me…I need to, if possible, innoculate the herd, from the gutter politics that are coming…I’ve been thinking about this since I first ran for office, 2 years ago, or 3 years ago, since the last time…”.

    • PubOption

      Does Courser say “… the Speaker, he’s got a wound in the side.” or is it “… the Speaker he’s got a woman on the side”? Inquiring minds and all that.

      • nightmoth

        Sounded like “wound”–christ reference, y’know.

    • Ilgattomorte

      Oh! Thank you! It’s just what I’ve always wanted … and I didn’t get you anything, I feel terrible.

    • memzilla

      Derpstalnacht.

    • jmk

      “I’m not a homosexual…I don’t do alcohol…I don’t do drugs…but I do live in a fantasy world in which shit like this makes sense to me.”

    • JohnR

      Fuck’s sake like he’s some kind of martyr, psycho concocting elaborate fantasy to save his career.

      • coozledad

        He could’a been a Congrishes, but he strangled on his own dick.

    • coozledad

      “They’ll believe part of it.”

      Goddamn at the swagger in that moron’s voice. Confident in himself even when he’s shite toast.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      “How much more awful could you get?”

      … more awful than a consensual extramarital affair? I could think of some things.

  • sosuume

    Teabagger “logic” at work.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      Well, when you’re a religious nutter, you will sometimes find you have to take a leap of faith.

      Aaaaand sometimes, you miss.

  • Joshua Norton

    often invoke their Christian faith

    Those are the ones you should NEVER let your kids anywhere near!

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    I love these passive voice non-apologies:

    “some things happened”.

    They just happened. You know, like a freak hail storm or getting a flat tire.

    . Not, “I did things”. Things just happened. I had nothing to do with them really. I had no real agency in this at all.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “I tripped and then my penis wound up in…well you can guess the rest.”

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        Yes, just months and months of accidental, spontaneous and unexpected fucking and spit swapping and unexpected sexting and accidental calling one another.

        • data_ninja

          Insurance companies would list something like that as “Acts of (the) Rod”.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This is pretty much how my sex education classes went back in the early ’70’s. Somehow the penis magically found its way into the vagina to get the entire make a baby process working.

      • DoILookAmused2u ?

        What were you looking for from a health class? Tips on how to set the mood, pick up lines, how to dress attractively or more non-baby-making options for penises and vaginas?

        • In a word, yes.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Well, some context is needed. Explaining the biology is all well and good, but some explanation of how we get to the biological process is helpful in navigating the perilous waters of all those hormones going nuts.

        • data_ninja

          I remember some kid in my health class asking the teacher what foreplay was. Now that I think about it, I find it both hysterical and daring.

      • coozledad

        My fourth grade teacher explained it this way: “The man sticks his penis in the woman’s vagina. He puts it in there.”

        I already knew this, but hearing her say it was HOT.

    • natoslug

      Mistakes were made . . .

  • Painter of Goats

    Funny how often repressed sex blows up in these people’s faces.

    • Mhael

      …”seems to blow up in these people’s faces.”
      “Very poor good choice of words.” :D

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Come again?

  • JustPixelz

    “…telling their fellow Americans which sex sticks should go in which sex holes…”

    You mean there more to sex than side hugs? I’ve been seriously misinformed by TLC.

  • Spotts1701

    So you mean the solution is not a zany scheme? TELEVISION LIED TO ME!!!

    • Lascauxcaveman

      “It’s so crazy it just might work!”

  • JustPixelz

    …the email was designed to create “a complete smear campaign” of exaggerated…

    I’m not convinced the email was inaccurate. Alex Jones is the expert on false flags … what does he say?

  • one_who_wanders

    There are prominent Lansing nightclubs? Never heard that adjective used for that sort of establishment. Well-know, infamous, popular. . . .

    • Thaumaturgist

      East Lansing. College town. MSU. Just a short distance from the Capitol. Though there are bars two, three blocks east and south of the Capitol where you’ll find legislators, lobbyists, legislative staff, and the kind of young ladies you’ll find in the visitors’ area of a state prison (not just hot, torrid.) FWIW, only place I’ve Even seen hotter women than the Michigan Capitol was in the Rayburn Building.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Him and the stupid “I took the Grover Norgquist tax pledge” and her with the Teapublicon crazy eyes. A match made in hell, deluding themselves there is a place in for them in made up heaven,

    • Longitudinally Enabled

      “I took the Grover Norgquist tax pledge”

      Is that anything like the Pepsi Challenge?

  • mardam422

    God, I hope they never had buttsex!!

    • mardam422

      Mainly because I’m not having it. I’d feel even worse if Bible-thumping teabaggers were having more of the buttsex than me too…also.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I understand he’s the bottom in that scenario.

      • Tsotate

        They probably are. This is the culture that inspired the term “saddlebacking”, after all.

  • DsMTwoShoes

    It has been pointed out to me that my physical appearance would make a train take a dirt road. And having seen myself in a mirror for the past 70 years I can offer no argument.
    But having seen a picture of Cindy Gamrat her name is rather fitting. She bears a striking resemblance to a freaking rat.
    Her appearance alone should be grounds for impeachment. God I love Evangelicals!

    • Brother Yam

      Well, if you’re into Ann Coulter…

    • natoslug

      RATFUCKER LIBEL!!!1!!!!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      She’s got the Bachmann stare down pat.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Remember the kinda lame joke about the guy who writes Dad saying all sorts of terrible things have happened, and then in the PS says “none of that’s true, just need money, aren’t you glad” ?

    Here’s a example of it:

    http://www.guy-sports.com/humor/stories/story_son.htm

    I think Graham must have thought that was a true story about how to deal with a sticky situation, and really took it to heart.

  • thirdeblue

    WWJLAF

    “Who Would Jesus Lie About Fucking”

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Ramping up to Sextember with this news.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    I don’t see why one of them doesn’t just blow their leg off with an IED as a diversion. Blame it on the terrorists.

  • lucidamente

    Looks like TLC has itself a new reality show.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    These fucking people (literally fucking, that is) have no fucking shame. In both the literal and figurative sense. “Chistians” are such scum, seriously.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    “Christian conservative or Godless Addicted Monster?[sic, punctuation]”

    Why does one have to choose?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      How about “Godbothered Addicted Monster”? These two certainly have the right attitudes to be ISIL agents, less the Islam. Fundie garbage is fundie garbage, in spite of any theological veneer they slap on their twisted belief system.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Godbothering Odious Prick would be accurate both personally and as respects his political party affiliation.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Isnt GOP enuff?

    • Lance Thrustwell

      New band name – Godless Addicted Monsters! (‘G.A.M.’ on the kick drum head). Fundies know how to rock the shame and condemnation like nobody’s business.

  • JohnnyZhivago2

    Better plan! Plant explosives in office and leak to press Courser is actually a member of ISIS. One aide voluntarily beheads self. State reps blow the scheme wide open showing he was working undercover to expose terror plot and are heroes for averting a Michigan 9/11.

    • natoslug

      I know this guy in upstate NY who has a lot of free time at the moment, and some experience with explosives who could probably help. I’m sure he could leg it over to Michigan and lend a hand . . .

      • Whale Chowder

        I’m sure he could leg it hop over to Michigan…

        Fixed, although I’m not really sure it needed fixin’.

  • Indiepalin

    This same plot device was used the final season of CHIPS.

    • Msgr_Moment

      You misspelled Gilligan’s Island.

  • Randy Riddle

    How can we top this in Cocktober?

    Then again, maybe we don’t want to Top _this_….

  • lucidamente

    OK, who leaked the transcript of Bristol Palin’s wet dream?

  • elpinche

    In a conservative christian scandal, let’s just be thankful no kiddies were Duggared.

  • schmannity

    Yeah once I convince everyone that I am being accused of being an ocular cannibal, no one will believe that poppycock about cheating on my taxes.

  • Thaumaturgist

    Only in the contemporary Michigop could Ben Graham or Keith Allard be considered the voices of reason. http://westmipolitics.blogspot.com/2015/07/exodus-intense-speculation-as.html
    Even in today’s climate, being nuttier than this pair is genuinely remarkable.

  • JohnR

    Blind religious faith must be a replacement for anything even approaching a sense of decency or responsibility or accountability. Do it in the name of jesus and you can get away with murder.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    This would never have worked. I didn’t see the whole email, but there were no obvious misspellings and RanDom caPitOlizatiOns in the part I did see. Apart from the random misuse of punctuation it doesn’t read like a bona fide Teabagger rant to me. I smell a Gamrat.

  • FauxAntocles

    Funny how holier-than-thou people usually aren’t.

    • mardam422

      That’s the best part of being holier-than-thou. You can do anything…fuck outside of marriage, even with another of the same sex, have kinky, depraved sex, even with young girls/boys, lie, steal, cheat your fellow man. All the while pretending in public that you are better than the rabble. Win/Win.

  • JohnR

    I”I don’t do alcohol, I don’t do drugs”, you definitely need to because you are messed up, all on your own.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If he got paralytically drunk he would at least not embarrass himself until the vodka wore off.

  • elviouslyqueer

    “Todd, this is crazy.”

    Oh girl. Truer words.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    The fact is that he’s a total gay S&M perv, and to cover it up he concocted this straight-sex coverup, and then the fake gay story to make it sound more plausible. Pretty devious!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      You’ve got to figure that if this was the first fantasy scenario that popped into his tiny little brain, it must be something that he has at least daydreamed about from time to time.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Repubs that are massive hypocrites, I am shocked, SHOCKED!

  • Ilgattomorte

    Who are we to smirk? In keeping with their deeply held religious beliefs, Couser and Gamrat would only commit adultery with another like-minded Christian. The coverup was only a tool to protect others from judging them lest they be judged and besides, why must Christians be persecuted so. There you go. The Lord works in mysterious ways. Amen.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Naw. She’d do a biker, I bet. And he’d do a stripper in a heartbeat.

      • sw19womble

        That explains the extremely high expenses for “clothing” that both of them have claimed.

  • JohnR

    “How far back” “assume they have everything” This just scratches the surface I guess, amen. Video or pictures WTF

  • elviouslyqueer

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! “We have to inoculate the herd against gutter politics.” I know his constituents are going to eat this shit all the way up.

    • jmk

      That jumped out at me also too… I’m sure “the herd” will be super-flattered by his respect for them!!!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Especially the Antivaxxers.

  • memzilla

    Here is Rep. Cindy Gamrat.
    THOSE EYES! THOSE CRAZEMPTY MICHELE BACHMANN EYES!!1!!
    ..

    • elviouslyqueer

      Crazy in the head, crazy in the bed, amirite?

      • memzilla

        Sure. IF YOU’RE STILL ALIVE IN THE MORNING TO REMEMBER ANYTHING!!1!!
        .

        • sw19womble

          “My god, it’s full of derp…”

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Really needs some Bernard Herrmann musical moods from Psycho for the full effect.

      • nightmoth

        Mmmm–Caution, there—never sleep with anybody crazier than you are!

        • Biff52

          I’ve always said that too, until I realized that one or the other of us is gonna be the crazy one in any pairing, so just go for the gusto!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I don’t need that much crazy.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Can’t find the reference on the Google but when this pair arrived in Lansing, the Speaker, a genuine nut job in his own right, assigned this pair seats on opposite sides of the floor, literally to keep them apart, at least during the session.

    • James Christopher Owen

      I find this difficult to masturbate to.

  • Msgr_Moment

    As of press time, neither representative has said how they plan to explain this to the children.

    Pretty sure they figured it out that one Take Your Daughter to Work day.

  • Lance Thrustwell

    Wotta freakshow. Makes me wonder, though – would the gambit have worked? It would have muddied the waters, certainly. But I’ve gotta think it wouldn’t have worked for long. Pure desperation.

    I happen to have a relative in that august assembly, btw. I’m going to see him in a few weeks – I’ll be sure to ask him about all this.

    • Mintie

      It sounds like they tried it and that’s when the fired aids blew the whistle.

      • Lex Luthor

        Pro-tip for a successful coverup: Don’t fire anyone who has the goods on you.

        • Mintie

          Understanding that requires critical thinking skills. Let’s be honest with our Teapartiers, shall we?

  • Look, people. This is not that hard. Christians love a good redemption story even if its complete bullshit.

    1. Stand up. Confess. Get teary eyed. Tell everyone how wretched you are for betraying your spouse and kids. Really wallow in it.
    2. Now, the easy thing to do is quit: say “I need to spend more time focusing on my marriage and family” and quietly slink away for your ‘time-out’. But… if you have the balls, you can say. Say something akin to ‘after much prayer and discussion with my spouse, my pastor, and the Lord, I feel called to remain in public service and will do my best to earn back the trust of my constituents.” Trick is, even if you stay, stay out of the limelight for a bit.
    3. Time out or penance phase. Just lay low until the heat dies down. It might be a little while longer if your spouse rightly leaves your ass.
    4. While you’re lying low, think of writing a memoir detailing the tawdry affair and how Jesus saved you from all the hot, illicit, forbidden sexy-sex.
    5. Release the book. Do some promo spots on Christian radio.
    6. Announce your triumphant return to public life by running for office again (or running for higher office if you decided to stay.) Tell everyone that you didn’t want to, but “The Lord” told you to do it. Ordinarily, a man hearing voices telling him to do shit would be disqualified from public office, but not if you call the voice “The Lord”.
    7. Profit! Regardless of winning or losing your next election, it’s time to cash in on that sweet wingnut and Jesus welfare circuit.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This is practically a “how to” guide that has been tested again and again and seems to work inside the warped universe that is where the fundies are at. They are so fucking gullible, it astonishes even the most brazen.

      • Whale Chowder

        To be fair, the gullibility’s baked in.

      • OrdinaryJoe

        “Exactly!”

        LA Governor to be David Vitter.

    • spends2much

      Except during Step 1, rather than admitting YOU did something wrong, you trot out the DEVIL, or the perverse liberal morals you are fighting against, as the reason the transgression occurred.

      Nothing is EVER your fault if you’re a religious teabagger.

      • willi0000000

        and, if you’re the guy, blame the temptress/slut.

        [ unless it really was another guy you were banging ]

      • HolidayinCambodia

        Levi Johnston always makes a good fall guy.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    After this guy resigns, or gets uneelected, or finishes his very short prison sentence (this is fraud, is it not?) maybe he can open a bakery so he can very righteously deny services to the people he was alleging himself to be.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    It was a false fag operation.

    • jmk

      Ba-dum-tisssss…

    • arglebargle

      A+

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Fairy well done there.

    • mardam422

      That!!

    • Whale Chowder

      He was exploiting a gay area in the law.

    • ThePuckStopsHere

      FTW.

    • Relativicus

      HOMO! Heh, heh, I… I’m not very good with puns.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Would Huckabee’s Pimp Tax apply here, or is it a grey area?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      No, Courser would benefit from the Religious Hypocrisy Exception.

  • exinkwretch

    It’s a weak defense, but realistically, how could any man with the moniker “Todd Courser” being anything but a raging supply-side douchebag?

  • John Smith

    “Vice Chairwoman…” snicker.

  • sw19womble

    Don’t worry everyone, Blackadder has a cunning plan….

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=heP-Y23NxCM

    • Lex Luthor

      “Oi have a cunning plan, milord. We wait until our ‘eads ‘ave already been cut off.” “Oh, yes, and then we spring into action?” “They’ll never expect it!”

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I think there is a way out of this. Just send out an anonymous message claiming that Rep. Courser was videotaped in a wild threesome with a lawnmower and a dog. Yeah, that would work.

  • Ryan Denniston

    That jesus. What a swell guy. Forgiving all those people who just want to have a little fun. While sticking to all those poors who totally deserve it.

  • TheBidenator

    So I guess we can add “banging your political ally” to the list of “family values” Republicans are in favor of….

  • TheBidenator

    The aides probably should have realized something was up when Courser gave Gamrat a saddle after naming her vice chairwoman….just sayin’

  • labman57

    When soap opera scriptwriters read this story, their jaws dropped as they asked themselves:
    “How the hell are we supposed to come up with story lines that are as outrageous as the antics of these tea-chugging Christian politicos?”

  • Objectifer

    “The pair are socially conservative legislators who often invoke their Christian faith in pursuit of new legislation governing gun rights…”

    Umm…what?

  • mardam422

    Genius!11 How is this guy not on the debate stage with the other pinheads? The sheer inventiveness of this plan must mean he’s one of the Teabagger bright lights. Obviously the best and brightest Murca has to offer. He’s GOTZ to be in line for 2020, at least.

  • ThePuckStopsHere
    • Biff52

      Makes me wonder if he wanted to sit next to Gamrat, or maybe he met her due to a happy accident of seating tyranny?

  • FLDispatches

    Y’know, living here in Florida, I sometimes forget that these sorts of scandals happen in other states. But reading about this pair is a terrific reminder: other states do it too!
    And as someone who grew up in west MI (and saw Gamrat’s signs all over during the election, since my folks live next to her district), it makes me so damn proud to see that MI is trying to corner a small part of the FloriDUH/Hiassen novel market. Nice job, you two!

    • marxalot

      Both states do it (with their not spouses)

  • Antimassacree

    …how to explain this to their children.

    You see, kids, when two conservative legislators from the party of personal responsibility are both trapped in marriages to boring, non-legislator civilians, and when those two legislators love each other very much, and don’t give even the tiniest shit about whether or not they hurt their boring spouses or their meaningless children, they come up with a plan…after screwing each other’s brains out a few dozen times. Jesus has already forgiven me, now it’s your turn.

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    Looks like Jon Stewart picked the wrong week to give up politics.

    • brucej

      And in related news: After the Floriduh story yesterday http://www.politico.com/story/2015/08/gop-suit-florida-redistricting-law-equals-thought-policing-121039.html and this, it is reported that the entire staff of “The Onion” have decamped for a local bar, embarking on an indefinite bender muttering about ‘goddamn amateurs ruining satire for the professionals’…

      • Karen Marie

        That Florida redistricting article made my head hurt. I really feel for the judges who have to listen to those meatheads.

        • brucej

          Calling them meatheads is an insult to meat. Hammers are discussing how to build a wall around their bag to keep them away. Six-packs that are missing a few have started the hashtag #notallsixpacks

          • NellCote71

            #sixpacklivesmatter

  • Relativicus

    Although I support the lifelong and legal and fully recognized commitments penises can now make with each other, stories like this… I mean, I get it, man. This is what traditional marriage is all about, and it makes me wonder if something hasn’t been lost now that lesbians are allowed to cheat on each other, too, in a lifelong and legal and fully recognized way. Don’t get me wrong, progress is cool and all, and I suppose there’s something to be said for equal treatment under the law, but when I hear a story about two straight, married people and the love they share with their extramarital partners, I just get a little wistful.

  • OneYieldRegular

    I know! They can go in front of the cameras and pretend to be one another’s spouses, then take turns apologizing for their infidelity while the other looks on stoically.

  • MOG253

    These guys just ruin sex for everyone. Booooooooooooooo!

  • chiefkurtz

    I’ve heard the recordings: http://www.detroitnews.com/story/news/politics/2015/08/06/recordings-state-rep-asked-aide-hide-relationship/31269315/ They sound like “Godfather Part II”, when Michael is discussing how to get Hyman Roth at the airport. Conspiracy, pure and simple, which is treated as worse than the crime itself. Whether what he is ordering is criminal is another thing, but he’s toast as a legislator, and may face disbarment.

    • pearlsarefuzzy

      I heard them, too. Disgusting. And I might point out that The Detroit News is hardly a liberal rag. It is the second most conservative newspaper in the state of Michigan.

  • chiefkurtz

    Ray Donovan could have fixed this shit.

  • chiefkurtz

    This guy sucks as conspiracy. Folks are LESS likely to believe a ‘straight’ sex scandal than a gay one, especially if it involves an R.

  • Vegan and Tiara

    Thanks, Obama! Are you happy now with all your gay marriage shit?

  • Lex Luthor

    You’re a politician who hires someone to handle media for you. This person is a true believer who has been with you through your outsider campaign and stuck with you even as you throw a hissy fit over your state office layout, write a 2,300 word rant because you couldn’t sit next to the legislator you were boning, describe new legislator orientation as “brainwashing,” and sign unhinged political screeds “in His grip.” Now, this person, who has not done anything through all these previous antics, is telling you that your current plan is crazy. Take his advice; he knows from crazy!

  • Texasace00

    I want to have a threesome with her and Michelle Bachmann

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      With the lights out? Or do you plan to stab yourself in the eyes with a fork beforehand?

      • Texasace00

        It’s just that no matter what happens, I wont feel guilty about it

    • BigDumbWhiteGuy

      She’s in the next district over from me. I’ll see what I can do.

      • Texasace00

        I’ve sobered up now, don’t judge me!

  • tegrat

    Just say “Oops” and move on. That’s what every other self-righteous asshat does, and it seems to work…

  • handyhippie65

    so the only one in the campaign with integrity wasn’t running for office. big surprise there.

  • TGuerrant

    Now, see? If the Duggars had sent their son to THIS guy for counseling, their teevee show would still be on the air.

  • harryeagar

    ‘Inoculate the herd’? So the guy is NOT an anti-vaxxer? The TP cannot forgive that.

  • Swampgas_Man

    Dr. Evil would call this scheme stupid and overcomplicated.

  • Joshua Norton

    The biggest shock of all is that there is such a thing as a “prominent Lansing nightclub”.

    • sorrento99

      My thoughts exactly. Lansing is my hometown so I found that one very humorous.

  • Charles Cates

    Like Gingrich their shared love for their country forced them together due to long hours on the job. Free meals, cocktail parties, and blank envelopes stuffed with C-notes.

  • Bill Slider

    Shit happens. Own it. Move on. Clean, neat, and tidy, of course not, but no one put a gun to their heads that we are aware, so accept the ugly, and do your best to not make the children wish they, or you, were dead.

    • Left Coast Tom

      Well, perhaps they could also stop lecturing others about Family Values while legislating…ah, who am I kidding, they’re teabaggers.

  • KenStarr

    There’s a video…?

  • TundraGrifter

    Thanks for that book cover! Now we all know how Lucy and Ricky met.

  • Seattle Rain

    The most common sexual fantasy among Republican Christian Conservative men and women is having sex with Jesus.

    Amen.

    • Wendel

      Jesus has better things to do. Don’t they know that?

  • Thomas Mc

    Ha-ha, he is really smarter than all of you Liberal sinners, because you fell for his Jesus inspired plan to cover up being caught giving a blowjob to a gay prostitute behind Wendys with this rediculous story about him humping a vagina he doesn’t own, which none of his constituents really care about since he isn’t a Democrat and wasn’t caught blowing another dude behind Wendys. Ha-ha.

    • Wendel

      I am confused about why the made-up story is less harmful than the real thing, or is this guy just really dumb?

  • A Grumpy Cat

    This is the third story I’ve read about this and it still makes absolutely no sense to me.

    • BigDumbWhiteGuy

      It’s Michigan state politics. It’s not supposed to make sense.

  • YayConspiracy

    They bought their family values at the dollar tree.

  • Blender_415

    Wasn’t this storyline the original pilot for The Brady Bunch?

  • Wendel

    My favorite is still the Arkansas congressman caught necking with his assistant for the security camera. It had so many fine novelistic elements.

  • Mavenmaven

    But of course, this whole story is really a black flag operation to discredit Republicans, according to the comments page in Michigan:

    This is THE MOST IMPORTANT ISSUE, according to mlive.
    Hillary emails? IRS targeting conservatives? Teachers having sex with students?
    Who cares, lets find a conservative to take down.
    The opposite of balanced journalism

Previous articleGOP Debate Gives Peggy Noonan Very Dainty, Ladylike Orgasms In Her Brain
Next articleDonald Trump Already President Of All You Overrated Losers