SHARE
Hint: It's birth control
Hint: It’s birth control

We all of us know how great birth control is, right? Heck, even “pro-life” Catholic Chris Christie uses it when he bones Mrs. Christie in her hoo-ha, and yes, you’re welcome for that lovely mental image. Birth control is so sweet-love-makin’ great — for treating extra-ouchie ovaries, regulating cycles, or just having a whole bunch of slutty sexxx all the time, without popping out a thousand and one babies from our ho-holes, like we are some kind of freak reality TV show star — which is why 111 percent of us U.S. Lady-Americans have used birth control at some point since we started getting our monthlies. OK, fine, we are exaggerating slightly: It’s only 99 percent.

So, not that we needed another reason to celebrate the fantastic marvel of modern medicine that is contraception, but awwww yeah, here’s another one anyway:

The contraceptive pill has prevented some 200,000 cases of womb cancer over the last decade in rich nations alone, according to research published Wednesday.

A study in the medical journal The Lancet Oncology found that taking “the pill” over an extended period provided protection against endometrial cancer, which affects the womb.

The researchers estimated that in total, over the past 50 years, some 400,000 endometrial cancers were avoided in high-income countries.

We are Not A Scientist, but we do read kinda good, and if we are comprehending that just right, hundreds of thousands of women have been spared cancer all up in their ladyparts, thanks to birth control? Yes! THANKS, birth control! Could it possibly get any better than that? Hells yup, it sure could:

The anti-cancer benefits persisted for decades after women stopped taking the pill, according to the study, which pooled data on 27,276 women with endometrial cancer in two dozen countries.

So, like, even if you used to take slut pills, for slutting, and then you found Jesus, and he told you to stop taking those pills, you slut, and go bomb an abortion clinic or something, you could continue to benefit from back in the day when you were slutting anyway? How is that even possible?

It must be because birth control is the best fucking thing God ever invented, and OBVIOUSLY he wants us girls to do sex to any penises we like, without turning our down-theres into baby assembly lines, and just to make it extra super any-idiot-can-understand obvious how great birth control is, He gave us an added incentive to take it, by making it a good way to not die from cancer too! Glory glory hallelujah.

So take your slut pills, ladies. They’re not just for sexing. They just might save your life too.

[AFP]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Nounverb911

    This is great news for the womenz, especially Mrs Noun, but what about all the Duggarettes?

  • dslindc

    I approve this message because yay sexy time and fuck cancer!

  • MsAnthropesMr

    And, they prevent babies from messing up our dining experiences.

    • 24601

      And our sleeping experiences. And our financial experiences.

  • Michael Smith

    Oh whatever. This doesn’t justify using birth control.

    If its legitimate cancer, the women’s body has way of shutting that whole thing down.

    • Logic of Color

      Legitimate cancer is a blessing. It’s how He teaches us to be strong and pray more and how to cope with losing a loved one. Isn’t God and cancer great!?!

      • arglebargle

        Unfortunately, this is the logic my Aunt applied to my sister as she slowly went blind from glaucoma. Fucking Bitch (my Aunt, not my sister).

        • aureolaborealis

          “Thanks, God, for the blindness and the tragic loss and shit! You’re really the best!”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You know, channeling the diseased idiot that is Todd Aiken is likely to result in drain bamage. Fortunately, it’s not habit forming, but do be careful.

  • rocktonsam

    Brizdull, I smell a grift for you and granny gus…

  • JMP

    As the Christianists want to block the vaccine that prevents cervical cancer, because women who enjoy sex deserve to be punished with cancer, this is yet another reason for them to try and ban birth control.

  • Rocky

    Stopping unwanted children and stopping unmitigated cell growth in one fell swoop is fantastic.

    And we all get more sex. Bonus round!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The “we all get more sex” part is what drives the “Christians” totally batshit.

  • MrBlobfish

    That’s pure applesauce.

    • Does that work?

      I’d imagine the cinnamon-flavored stuff might sting a bit.

      • Catstro

        Not only does it work, the cinnamon flavor also cures diabetes.

        • DahBoner

          Martha Stewart’s Vanilla Sugar recipe cures boring desserts…

      • Toomush_Infer

        Leave Mike Huckabee out of this!…

    • ShriekinViolet

      I don’t know. Seems kinda jiggery pokery to me.

      (Can I start the countdown to, “Jiggery pokery? I barely knew her[y]!”)

      • Logic of Color

        Jiggery Pokery noun | jig:gery-pok:ery having the characteristics of a jigger poker

  • kindness

    You had me at slut pills. Everything got kinda foggy after that.

  • JoeChristmas

    This must be some kind of a Fluke.

    • SterWonk

      <slow clap>

  • ArgieBargie

    “Chris Christie uses it when he bones Mrs. Christie in her hoo-ha.”

    Well, there goes my fancy lunch.

    • To say nothing of the afternoon’s planned activities.

    • BearGHAZI

      her hoo-ha IF WE’RE LUCKY

  • TheBidenator

    Now if only a study could be created which demonstrates that ladies having as many sex partners as I er, they desire helps fight lady parts cancer, too….

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Listen, when I was a younger person, some uptight types considered me a slutty slut, and I don’t have lady cancer, so I think it’s safe to make the assumption that those two things are connected.

      • aureolaborealis

        I was a hoor when I was younger, too. I, too, do not have lady cancer, though I may have a lurking variable that undermines any correlation.

  • calliecallie

    That’s all fine and good, but how will we pay for those slut pills after Jeb! cuts all the moniez for women’s health?

    • BearGHAZI

      wombstraps

    • Jeez! $3.50 per woman per year isn’t enough?
      Just what kind of sluts are we talkin’ about here?

  • calliecallie

    It’s my closely-held personal belief that sex should be every woman’s hobby, Lobby.

  • “Womb cancer” sounds quaint and old-timey but if that’s the correct medical term then I will refrain from snarking on it.

    • CalvinianChoice

      How about “endometrial adenocarcinoma”? Kinda has a ring to it.

    • SterWonk

      I would have expected “uterine cancer” myself, but that’s different from “endometrial cancer”, which this is specifically talking about; both could be called “womb cancer” though.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Endometrial cancer is a type of uterine cancer.

        A less common type is cancer in the muscles of the uterus, called uterine sarcoma.

        • SterWonk

          “The more you know[tm]” (Or Maddow style: “You know more now[tm]”). Thanks LV; give my regards to Dr. Doom. :-)

    • arglebargle

      Cooter Cooties?

  • BearGHAZI

    Pay attention, Bristol

    • Steverino247

      Bristol: (Bumps head on steering wheel) “What?”

  • What’s an even weirder trick is that Jeb! Bush’s grandfather Prescott helped get Planned Parenthood up and running by helping with its fundraising campaign in 1947! That’s where slut pills come from! (At least they did for me when I was first out of grad school and really REALLY poor.)

    • CognizantImpiety

      He had lots of time after his political buddies’ favorite party was defeated in 1945.

  • onedollarjuana

    Makes sense to me. I take aspirin to prevent colon cancer, and aspirin has been suggested as a form of birth control. At least in that old joke.

    • OneYieldRegular

      No, no, ur doin’ it rong – it’s not supposed to go that far up between your knees.

  • cleanfront

    I bet Viagra would still be legal if it was linked 200,000 nut cancers a year.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    It’s not really a weird trick at all. It’s a very helpful side effect of a medication which has unleashed the evil of women with agency across the western world, to the horror of men with tiny dicks who think they’re special.

  • 24601

    I guess pharmacists can no longer deny you your prescription because of their religious objections, but be sure to purchase lots of lubricants at the same time so they can still get their daily recommended allowance of righteous indignation.

    • Wee Mousie

      When our pharmacist asked why we went through so much Vaseline, I told him that we used it during sex,

      We put it on the bedroom door to keep the kids from getting in and interrupting us.

  • Ryan Denniston

    I’ve waited so long.

    • 24601

      Years ago my goofy male boss was looking through our company medical insurance documents and noted, “Hey! Penile Implants aren’t covered”. As I was leaving work that night he said, “Have a good weekend and don’t get a penile implant!”. I said, “Only if I get lucky” :-)

      • Wee Mousie

        Back in the sixties I tried to get my penis implanted is someone accommodating every week-end.

  • MEN’S CORNER: Some studies show frequent masturbation and sexual congress increases the change of prostate cancer in young males, but acts as a preventative against prostate cancer for males over 50.

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      What exactly does “frequent” mean?

      asking for a friend . . .

      • Villago Delenda Est

        More than once every three hours, averaged over a three day period.

      • Wee Mousie

        Do you leave it alone during meals? You’re okay then.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Well, I was fucked both ways in my younger days, I guess…

    • MrBlobfish

      Do they ever balance out?

      • When NO CANCER/NOT GOING BLIND/NOT GETTING HAIRY PALMS all meet on the graph.

        • glasspusher

          that’s a phase diagram I can believe in

  • schmannity

    WHY DOES THE GOPEEPEE LOVE ENDOMETRIAL CANCER?

    We report, you decide.

  • 24601

    This story insinuates that Mr Christie has a penis.

    Objection! Implies appendages not in evidence.

    http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2015/06/04/10/2956E62700000578-3110730-image-a-2_1433411959443.jpg

    • schmannity

      Now, he does have many bulges in his pants

    • Catstro

      Just because he can’t see it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist.

      • OneYieldRegular

        Just because we can’t unsee it doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist either.

        • Wee Mousie

          Now faith is the substance of a penis hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.

      • arglebargle

        Christies peen is just like God?

      • aureolaborealis

        I think until he lifts his gut out of the way, it simultaneously exists and does not exist.

        • Catstro

          Schrödinger’s dick?

      • Wee Mousie

        But it remains only a theory, like evolution, because you can’t pick it up in your hand and observe it.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      The similarity is just amazing;

    • So that is PHOTOGRAPHIC EVIDENCE of Tweedledee spoiling Tweedledum’s nice new rattle.

    • Ruhe

      He’s about to bust outta that thing! So would Lenny Kravitz but in a completely different way.

      • 24601

        “That’s the best thing Kravitz has released in 15 years”.

    • Me not sure

      Where’s Tweedle Dee?

      • Wee Mousie

        Tweedle Dum ate him.

    • Markuserektus

      Can you just imagine the fromundacheese?

  • cousin itt

    So Caitlin Jenner got a he- haw?

    • arglebargle

      And according to Faux News, Beyonce has a ho-haw.

  • MrBlobfish

    This is good news for sensible people.

    • 24601

      Translation: It will send the teabaggers into the stratosphere

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Cancer’s pretty bad, but I’ve heard that not using contraception can prevent an eternity of burning in Hell.

    Don’t forget to tithe!

  • docterry6973

    But do doctors want us to know this one weird trick?

    • 24601

      LMFAO

  • DahBoner

    We all of us know how great birth control is, right?

    Everyone knows birth control pills are just hormones.

    How do you make a hormone?

    Don’t pay her.

    http://media0.giphy.com/media/13geSxp0icRNN6/200w_d.gif

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      Also, too. The difference between a vitamin and a hormone: You can’t hear a vita min!

      • Wee Mousie

        Sometimes a guy is just too horny to stop for birth control. Like the fella who took a London prostitute up against the side of a building. She objected briefly, but then relaxed and it was over in about twenty seconds.

        “I’m sorry,” the fella said abashedly, “If I’d known you were a virgin, I would have taken more time.

        ” That’s all right, Luv,” the prostitute replied right back, “if I’da known you had more time, I’da taken me knickers off.”

    • schmannity

      Hey now! Shouldn’t that have some Bow Chicka WowWow music in the background?

    • Logic of Color

      How do you make your own antifreeze?

      Take away her blanket

      • MrCanoehead

        You can lead a horticulture but you can’t make her think.

  • 24601

    Okay, we will take our slut pills. But do we have to take one every time we want to sex? Asking for Rush Limbaugh.

    • Rick Hill

      The new ones come in a Pez dispenser and are just as tasty!

      • Suse

        Now there’s an idea! Collect ’em all, kids and we’ll throw in the limited edition Bristol Palin dispenser for just $1.98!

        • Rick Hill

          That one just shoots out useless slips of paper that tell you the correct moment to say “Don’t forget to pull out…what was your name again?”

  • OneYieldRegular

    I’m breathlessly awaiting Erick Ericsson’s response to this story, which will be something along the lines of how he doesn’t use birth control but neither has he developed a cancerous hoo-ha.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      He has to be super pissed-off that not only are the ladies having consequences-free sex with us (to be clear: only if they want to) but they are also not getting punished with cancer as they should be according to God’s will. I imagine him sulking around muttering, “Damn, life can sometimes be a little bit fair.”

  • Bill Slider

    So, basically, fuck yourself to freedom from cancer. This is bad news for oral sex and buttsechs. Will this be on the test?

  • Rick Hill

    I think that the BC that actually works for Christie is that he doesn’t actually achieve penetration, he only self-intercourses with one of his folds while his wife pantomimes the motions, once again thanking gawd she doesn’t have to conjugate with the…man.(Pitchin that mental image right back attcha!)

    • Tansy Geek

      ew. Probably true, but ew.

    • Wee Mousie

      I’m almost certain Christie’s sex captives ride a Sybian.

  • arglebargle

    What happens if you just put the pill between your knees?

    • FauxAntocles

      The cancer can’t get in!

      • Wee Mousie

        Anal libel.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    Yeah, they actually prescribe birth control pills to shrink tumors and cysts.

    But you burn in hell for it, I am sure.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Yup, in a couple more generations, there’ll only be fundamentalists and Muslims left, and they’ll all have cancer – thanks, Obama…

    • Wee Mousie

      See “Idiocracy” for immigration procedure.

  • Joshua Norton

    We all of us know how great birth control is, right? Heck, even “pro-life” Catholic Chris Christie uses it

    Just don’t ask him to try portion control.

  • Beowoof14

    Has Michelle Duggar heard of this?

  • Barbara Delaney

    Bristol used to take birth control pills although she called them “cramp pills”, they were supposedly to control her severe menstrual cramps. This was after she was sent away to live with an aunt because she had a five month long case of mononucleosis. But then she met Levi, and inexplicably stopped taking birth control pills right before they went fumping. (if glam ping is glamorous camping I think you can all figure out what fumping is)

    The mean gossips in Wasilla say her first baby was born during her exile and that the pregnancy with Levi was to get back at her mom for making her give the first kid up. At any rate, cramping is evidently no longer a problem…just labor pains.

  • Wee Mousie

    About Christie boning the Missus in the hoo-haw. I think that image is still the property of Industrial Light and Magic, until Bonerz-Я-Us market a five-foot penis extension.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      The US internet porn industry is supposed to be the best in the world (American exceptionalism, you know), and we don’t have any image of this anywhere. What da fuck?

      • Captain Kraut

        German scat porn libel!!1!

  • splashy79

    Cool!

  • commentary42

    Yes, take those pills…except in those eight states where your pharmacist can refuse to fill your perfectly legal prescription because Jeezus.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Hey! Unfair! If I use a condom, I don’t get the good cancer protection. It’s all God’s fault. He always liked the girls best.

    • Vecciojohn

      If God really liked girls he would have let them pee standing up.

      • Rebecca Gardner

        I can pee standing up, it’s just really messy.

        • david green

          Ain’t that the truth. My first job after the Navy included cleaning the ladies bathroom at a Gas Station on interstate 80. Apparently lots of ladies have trouble with aim and overspray.

  • Vecciojohn

    Come for the fucking, stay for the not dying!

    Slut pills: Is there anything they can’t do?

  • toomanyrappers

    If a sperm is wasted, god gets quite irate.

Previous articleErick Erickson: Fertile Latinos Will Breed Permanent GOP Majority, Strong Like Bull
Next articleGood News, Kansas Poors, You’re Allowed To Eat Food Again