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Go cry to your mom, Jeb
Go cry to your mom, Jeb

Poor Jeb Bush, screwed over by his dumb drunk big brother, was finally supposed to get his turn in the White House, daddy said! And it was all going according to plan, with Poppy’s bestest buds and favorite son telling him which countries he should promise to bomb, and Dubya promising to not say words too much, lest he remind voters that Jeb will probably ass-bang the country the way Dubya did, because that’s what Bushes do. And even though Jeb doesn’t have the advantage of a brother who can steal a swing state for him, it was gonna be smooth self-entitled all the way to the White House.

So what happened? For one thing, turns out Jeb Bush is as dumb as his brother. For a second thing, Donald Trump:

“Seriously, what’s this guy’s problem?” [Bush] asked one party donor he ran into recently according to accounts provided by several sources close to Bush—and he went on to describe the publicity seeking real estate developer now surging in public polls far ahead of Bush and all the 15 others in the Republican field as “a buffoon,” “clown” and “asshole.”

Oh no! Did Donald Trump steal your first place from you, Jeb? That is so mean and unfair and unsportsmanlike! Everyone knows you deserve first place, because of how you have waited so long and worked so hard to get there. And yet:

Whatever Bush wants to call Trump, the most accurate appellation heading into Thursday night’s first big Republican debate of the chaotic 2016 contest in Cleveland is the label that should have been Bush’s: “frontrunner.”

Maybe Bush wouldn’t be tripping over his own mangina if he weren’t so flustered by Trump, and he wouldn’t say self-defeating stupids like how he’s “not sure we need a half a billion dollars for women’s health issues.” Liberal commie rag POLITICO tries to help Jeb out of that mess, with this laughably inaccurate side note:

(Just this week he had to quickly walk back a statement that he wanted to de-fund “women’s health” programs, when he meant to say abortion services).

Nice reach-around, POLITICO, except that we don’t spend half a billion dollars on abortion services — we don’t spend any money on abortion services at all, in fact — and despite later claiming he “misspoke,” Jeb didn’t actually retract a single word of his statement that he wants to cut funding for women’s healthcare and shut down Planned Parenthood. (So you can all stop saying Jeb walked back his statement because he didn’t, ACTUALLY.)

Jeb may think Trump is an asshole buffoon clown, and we won’t challenge him there, but the other Republicans in the race also think Jeb needs to take a long hard look in the mirror:

The half-dozen conservative senators and governors who had planned to run before Bush brought out his shock-and-awe fundraising campaign, had to laugh: They viewed Bush himself as an intruder, a political semi-retiree who sat on the sidelines for eight years while they fought Barack Obama.

So who is the biggest asshole in the race? Hard to say — it’s so competitive! But maybe we’ll find out when Donald Trump and the also-rans (including Jeb!) try to out-clown each other in their sexciting first debate (and oh yeah, the JV debate team pouts in the opening act), which we are liveblogging for your entertainment pleasure, tonight, 5 ET, you are welcome.

[POLITICO]

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  • Nounverb911

    “Jeb Bush Thinks Donald Trump Is An ‘Asshole’”
    Oh no! Something I agree with ¡Jebbie! on.

    (I’ve hated Trump since the late seventies when he used unlicensed demolition contractors to tear down Bonwitt Teller in NYC).

    • Tallmutha

      Oh, come on, you and ¡Jeb! probably agree that water is wet, too. The two claims are about equally controversial.

    • Zyxomma

      The problem was Bonwit Teller’s mural was beloved by so many New Yorkers that funds were raised to save it. T-Rump sent in the demolition team in the middle of the night.

  • tihond

    When asked about Jeb! Bush, Donald Trump said, “Who?”

    • Querolous

      …Donald Trump said “¿Who?”

  • TeenLaQueefa

    Barb Bush should have beat his ass for even talking about running.

    • marxalot

      She did say something (last year?) about if Jeb! ran, he’d be doing it without the full support of the family. You don’t take sides against the Family, boy.

      • TeenLaQueefa

        That Jeb Feller direspectin’ his mama like he don’t give a shit about her. Isn’t there a commandment about that?

  • Callyson
  • Nounverb911

    “So who is the biggest asshole in the race?”
    AOT,K.

    • Callyson

      DAMMIT!

      Oh well, GMTA…

    • Malmborg Implano

      Thank you, Sarah.

    • Tallmutha

      Katie, all of them!

    • calliecallie

      only slightly OT: I have used this phrase so much around my house, that now mr. calliecallie routinely adds “Katie” to the end of his short responses to me. As in: Me: Are you going to mow the lawn? Mr. C: Tomorrow, Katie.
      FYI, My real name is not Katie. And yet I find this so cute and endearing.

  • Indiepalin

    Trump’s proposed national service program consists of training inner-city youth to park cars at segregated nunneries in the metropolitan New York area.

  • Of course he’s an asshole. But he’s your asshole. You built the monster out of pure 100% Republican Id, guys. Now the rest of us get to sit back, crack open a beer, and watch the monster rampage around the big tent.

    • Msgr_Moment

      And give Abby back his brain.

    • goonemeritus

      If you spend 40 years playing to peoples vilest instincts
      you probably shouldn’t expect your most ardent followers to be rational.

    • Human Leaving

      I loooooove it when mealy mouthed establishment Republicans who insist their party is mostly filled with normal people with mainstream views get repeatedly proven wrong by their own base. You can’t win a primary without the crazy, but you also can’t win national elections because of that same crazy.

  • LarryHoudini

    Liefest 2016? No idea.
    Liefest 1977? Tiger Beat Dreamboat, Lief Garrett.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Lie-la-palooza!

      (The Aristocrats?)

  • Reddishrabbit

    Poor ¡JEB!, why can’t people just recognize he is president. He is next in line, like the royalty he is. Sesh, all this “election” nonsense. His brother was right about it being easier as a dictator

  • eggsacklywright

    What happens if you put Preparation H on a buffoon?

    • Nounverb911

      ..

      • Msgr_Moment

        Hey, hey, hey! No body shaming of candidates!

  • Callyson

    So who is the biggest asshole in the race? Hard to say — it’s so competitive!

    This question is the reason that the “All of them, Katie” phrase was invented.

    • Vienna Woods

      And ironically, Tundra Twat is not one of them.

  • vivian

    Jeb! $3.16: “Moooooommm! Donald stole my voters! Mooooommmm! Do something! It’s not FAIR!”

    • tihond

      “Just because we got your brother an election, doesn’t mean you get one too.”

  • Brother Yam

    So who is the biggest asshole in the race?

    AOT,K.

    Duh…

  • Malmborg Implano

    Remember that open mike gaffe when GWB called a reporter an asshole? This was probably deliberately leaked to create a similar “guy you’d want to have a beer with” aura around Jeb!, who can go jump in the lake as far as I’m concerned. I haven’t forgotten the Terri Schiavo fiasco or the time he intervened to keep a disabled woman impregnated by rape from having an abortion.

  • thirdeblue

    Trump is an asshole. That Jeb! think this is a bad thing is why he won’t win the Republican nomination.

    • thirdeblue

      CAN’T STOP WATCHING THIS…

    • Msgr_Moment

      ¡Qué perra !

  • Tallmutha

    The biggest asshole in the race is Dick Cheney.

    Oh wait, sorry, I thought you were talking about the human race.

  • Belasaurius

    do I have to pick just one?

  • Callyson

    Just how serious are Jeb! Bush’s woes, anyway?

    “You know, I thought about running in the past,” former New York Gov. George Pataki, the 8th candidate to announce his intention to run, told us. “I came close in 2012, but to be perfectly honest, Mitt Romney had been running for 6 years … it was pretty obvious that he had, if not a lock, a very, very strong hold on the Republican nomination.”

    Jeb Bush? Not so much. “This time, I believe that, when I look at the field, that I have the ability to win this election,” added Pataki—and this is a man struggling to capture a single percentage point in recent polls.

  • Fly

    Well Trump, I think all the other republican candidates are out there circling Uranus about now.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Saw what you did there, I did.

  • MrBlobfish

    I thought Republicans were against entitlements?

    • FauxAntocles

      Only for others…

    • SnarkOff

      When you’re rich, it isn’t an “entitlement.” It’s a “birthright.”

      • Ryan Denniston

        Nah, it’s “worked hard” yada yada bullshit. Dubya was born on third. Where is ¡Jeb!, who has an OLDER BROTHER born on third?

    • thirdeblue

      “…God-fearing, freedom-loving, law-abiding rugged individualist who held that federal aid to anyone but farmers was creeping socialism.”

      “Major Major’s father had a Calvinist’s faith in predestination and could perceive distinctly how everyone’s misfortunes but his own were expressions of God’s will.”

      So sayeth the great Joseph Heller.

  • Steven M. Harries

    Well, bully for Jeb!! Asshole do, at times, serve multiple purposes.

  • Callyson

    “The media narrative you guys are spinning isn’t specific enough—we have exactly one clown in the car,” says a top Republican official, referring to Trump.

    If that doesn’t disprove the “it takes one to know one” adage, I don’t know what would do so…

  • Belasaurius

    I’d feel sorry for Bush except _______________________________.

    • vivian

      1. His last name is Bush
      2. He can’t even use his last name.
      3. He is the architect of his own humiliation
      4. Did I mention his name is BUSH?

    • Ryan Denniston

      I don’t. and the ! at the end of his first name is stupid too!

      • jviscont1

        the ! is just to distinguish himself from all the other Jebs you know

      • Zyxomma

        Yes, it is, but Jeb! is not his first name, it’s his initials: John Ellis Bush. I don’t know where the exclamation point came from.

        • Ryan Denniston

          Good to know. The exclamation point, AAAAND the nickname, are stupid!

    • Ambignostic

      __ I’m too busy laughing __

  • Me not sure

    Trump to Bush……..

  • elviouslyqueer

    he went on to describe the publicity seeking real estate developer now
    surging in public polls far ahead of Bush and all the 15 others in the
    Republican field as “a buffoon,” “clown” and “asshole.”

    *rushes to Twitter, awaits @realDonaldTrump dickslapping*

  • SnarkOff

    Jeb!(TM) is just Jealous!(TM)

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    bush: pronunciation [boo sh]

    noun
    1. a low plant with many branches that arise from or near the ground.
    2. a small cluster of shrubs appearing as a single plant.
    3. something resembling or suggesting this, as a thick, shaggy head of hair.
    4. Also called bush lot. Canadian. a small, wooded lot, especially a farm lot with trees left standing to provide firewood, fence posts, etc.
    5. the tail of a fox; brush.
    6. Geography. a stretch of uncultivated land covered with mixed plant growth, bushy vegetation, trees, etc.
    7. Politics, an asshole.

  • Steven M. Harries

    “Ivana’s was unshaven. Marla’s was too tight and tense. That crack whore I had on Ninth wasn’t bad, but it left a brown stain. My current Slavic wife’s is a bit too Silovitzy and doesn’t perform as well as the other Anabolic gals do. Jeb’s! is just right and tight enough for a Bush, so I just wanted to make it clear I wasn’t insulting anyone . . . ”
    —Donald Trump, 6 Aug 2015, Associated Press

    • SnarkOff

      Ew, seriously. Not funny.

      • Steven M. Harries

        Well, he said he was the Tiberias of Noo Yawk.

      • Angry_Cop

        Oh no. That’s funny.

        • Steven M. Harries

          Thanks. Plus I censored what he said about Ivanka’s.

  • Spotts1701

    There’s only one solution then: STEEL CAGE MATCH!

    • tihond

      16 men and Carly enter! One man (or Carly) leaves!

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Oooh, all that sexual tension on stage at tonight’s big festival of binge drinking fun debate. Will they kiss or will they fight?

    http://freakoutnation.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/slapfight.gif

  • ArgieBargie

    Dear Jerb,

    Get over yourself. You were never, ever, going to be President anyway! The fact that Trump is leading in the polls is a clear indicator that a) GOP voters are incredibly fucking stupid b) The current crop of GOP candidates are, collectively, the saddest bunch unelectable assholes to ever run for President.

    Fuck you sincerely,

    America

  • goonemeritus

    From now until the end of time if anyone asks me what proof
    I have that many conservatives are driven by hate I need only site Trump.

  • Iron Monkey

    Jeb is late to the party again. Everyone else figured out Trump is an asshole about 30 years ago.

    • eddi

      He had to clear the statement with everybody. Including Donnie.

  • Steven M. Harries

    Yo, Wonkette!—If I wanted to read about people who are obsessed with assholes, I’d read Rod Dreher’s Intertubz musings.

    • Suttree

      Penthouse Forum libelz!

  • Ryan Denniston

    I really want to explore the daddy issues most of these folks have during the debates. We need leading questions like “Jeb!, what the hell have you done for a living the last 8 years?”

  • cousin itt

    Margarita Ingredients

    2 ounces tequila — silver tequila
    1 ounce Cointreau
    1 ounce lime juice
    cocktail glass
    Instructions:

    Shake well with cracked ice, then strain into a chilled cocktail glass that has had its rim rubbed with lime juice and dipped in coarse salt.

    A note on the tequila: It should be 100 percent agave, the plant from which the stuff is traditionally made. Save the great golden añejos for sipping.

    • Ryan Denniston

      That reminds me. I’m going off the Wonkette diet and eating lunch. That way, I’ll have more stamina as I drink my way through the debate.

  • chazmanr

    Even a broken clock is correct twice per day.

  • Bigby

    See, this is what’s wrong with ‘merka…we hate ties. That there is a 17 way tie for Biggest Asshole In The Race™ just smacks of “everyonegetsatrophyforparticipatingism” to Real Merkins. If it was more like fútbol, several could get thru to the next round on Goal Differential, despite the ties.

    • drbloor

      I prefer the shoot-out approach to tie-breaking. I’m sure the NRA would be ready to sponsor that debate.

      • Bigby

        Yes, of course, that works well in the later rounds, but are you saying you want shootouts even in the Group Stages???

        • drbloor

          Actually, I especially want to see it in the group stages.

        • Axomamma

          Yes, please.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I hate ties. Damn Windsor knot never comes out straight.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Meanwhile, I can summarize the Happy Hour Debate for you, Kaili Joy.

    Frothy will call Cletus J. Butchmeup a limp-wristed ninny, whereupon Cletus will fling a Ziploc bag full of glitter in his face and storm off set. Perry will remove his thumb from his ass long enough to say something sexist to Carly, who will remove her face to reveal her true identity as a demon sheep with laser eyes that immediately fry Perry to a nice, crispy texture. Pataki and Mortimer will take turns being invisible, and nobody will pay any attention to Jindal because, duh, brown.

    And somewhere along the way, there may or may not be a 10-minute tickle fight, and at least two shoes thrown.

    You’re welcome in advance.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Damn you, I had to go to the program to figure out which was Cletus. And duh, it’s so obvious.

    • MrBlobfish

      Does Perry smell his thumb?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Butt of course!

        /never fail response

      • coozledad

        Does Chris Christie shit every five minutes?

      • Me not sure

        …..or suck it?

    • jviscont1

      your attention to detail is amazing, but I would suggest 2 sensible brown Oxfords at the end.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Well, I figured Carly would wear heels. And Lindsey might too.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    All I can say that in this case, it takes one to know one.

  • george gonzalez

    Kaili: Better start removing the vodka-bottle-tops early-like at 4PM, it’s a tragedy when one of those guys says something soooo stupid and you have to struggle for ten seconds to undo the top. Nope, never happened to me, you can’t prove it, I burned the tape.

  • Antimassacree

    Isn’t the set called “GOP frontrunner” a subset of the set called “assholes”?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      YES. Indubitably.

  • SK

    Them’s fightin’ words!

    How’ll The Donald possibly top that insult?

  • JohnR

    Poor us having to bear the burden of the Bushes inflicting their familial dysfunction on the country along with all the other bull shit.

  • jviscont1

    where was Jeb!’s Right to Rice PAC in 2008/2012? my eggroll got cold waiting.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh my God, Twitter, how much do I love you?

    @realDonaldTrump Do you notice that Hillary spews out Jeb’s name as often as possible in
    order to give him status? She knows Trump is her worst nightmare.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      PAY ATTENTION TO ME, YOU BITCH!

  • schvitzatura

    The Heir Apparent is strong with this one…

    • Mehmeisterjr

      The Heir Apparent loses to The Hair Apparent.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The Force, however, is not so strong with this one.

  • SK

    Prediction: Donald will fool everyone by being entirely civil during tonight’s debate. He’ll simply attack O, HRC, and spew a few ideas on taking out the Fed, and curbing illegal immigration.

    This will be a shock to the rest of the candidates and the media, but he’ll get a big bump in the polls next week.

    Yup, he is that kind of an asshole!

    • timpundit

      I agree. In fact, I also think that move (being policy oriented) in the debate will solidify his lead…until the tea tards find out how liberal he really is.

      With the strategy tho, I don’t know how he defends himself. I don’t think he knows how to defend himself without being an obnoxious douche.

      • SK

        That comes next week. Civil in the debate, and then go bonkers after he gets a boost. That way, he can stick to “Hey, they started it, I was focusing on the issues!”

        • timpundit

          Yeah, that could work.

      • Axomamma

        It will be interesting to see whether he rises to bait or has enough self-control to stick to the script.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Prediction: Trump will not actually show up at the debate at all.

      • SK

        You know, that’d be the best way to piss off the klown running 11th and who so badly wanted to be at the adults’ table.

        11th guy…11th.. Oh wait, it’s Perry.

  • TheBidenator

    Well asshole buffoon is calling another asshole buffoon an asshole buffoon….I can’t wait for the debate because you know Trump read this story and being the thinnest skinned person imaginable, Faux better have the :beep: button ready at hand for quick censoring.

  • TheBidenator

    These guys are looking more and more like they took notes from that film “the Campaign” and we’re only getting started….what a bountiful clown car they have brought us

  • lucidamente

    Speaking of reach-arounds, Chuck Todd actually said these words, with his mouth: “[Trump’s candidacy is] not fair to what is the strongest Republican party presidential field in 36 years.”

    http://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2015/06/17/chuck_todd_the_problem_with_trump_is_he_doesnt_play_by_a_set_of_rules.html

    • AntiDerpomeme

      LOL, “strongest” in terms of stench? Comedy potential? Macho idiot he-man smack-talk?

      In any event, Chuckles is right. Trumptrump has a yuuuuuge advantage in any of the above categories.

    • Human Leaving

      “It’s not fair! Our voters are too stupid to know Trump’s a joke! They can’t help themselves!”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Chuckles the Toddler is one of the epitomes of what is wrong with our media now. “Strongest Republican party presidential field in 36 years”? Not one of these twits is worthy of licking the soles of shitty grade Z movie star’s feet, and THIS is the man who gave us the fucked up situation we have today, dedicated to undoing every progressive, egalitarian gain of the past 100 years…essentially the work of the Roosevelts, Truman, Kennedy, and Johnson…to betraying the vision of the Founders.

    • Axomamma

      How is he even still employed after explicitly describing the heavy lifting he and his colleagues do every day on behalf of the Republican party? It’s one thing to do that dirty work but to discuss it openly? That blew my mind.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Jeb didn’t actually retract a single word of his statement that he wants to cut funding for women’s healthcare and shut down Planned Parenthood. (So you can all stop saying Jeb walked back his statement because he didn’t, ACTUALLY.)

    You know that moonwalky thing that mimes do where they pretend to be walking backwards but don’t actually move anywhere? That’s what ¡Je Bush! is doing here. It would get him the coveted Marcel Marceau Fan Club vote were it not for the fact that the Blue Man Group is solidly Democratic.

  • kindness

    While I’m not comfortable agreeing with Jebby! I guess I have to admit agreeing with him here. On the other hand the accompanying train wreck requires popcorn.

    • Thaumaturgist

      I’m not exactly comfortable agreeing with The Donald. But I agree that the last thing this country needs is another Bush.

  • AnOuthouse

    Biggest asshole? Chrs Chiristie. I mean, he’s physically the largest.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      But Santorum is proportionally the largest.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        His left the biggest mark on the public consciousness.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Well, let’s wait for the weig-in. Huckabe’s a heavyweight too.

  • Mhael

    I FOUND DRINKING GAME RULES!!

    Drink THE FIRST TIME:

    1. DonaldTrump mentions his wealth, or how smart he is.

    2. A candidatementions Benghazi

    3. A candidate says, “This president…”

    4. A candidate whines about not getting called on enough.

    5. Someone promises to “take America back.”

    6. Trump interrupts someone by saying, “Excuse me, let me answer that…”

    7. Anyone mentions Hitler, Nazis or Neville Chamberlain. Includes related imagery, e.g. “ovens.”

    8. The crowd cheers a racist/bigoted statement by a candidate.

    9. A candidate mentions his poor/hardscrabble upbringing, or a parent who “worked every day of his life.”

    10. A candidate talks about “stopping Hillary Clinton.”

    11. Anyone warns the U.S. is becoming Greece.

    12. Trump refers to himself in the third person.

    13. Anyone invokes St. Ronald Reagan.

    Drink EVERY time a candidate:

    14. Claims a positive relationship with a minority. Also known as the, “Some of my best friends are…” rule.

    15. Tries to speak Spanish

    16. Tries to warm up to the Ohio crowd with an awkward LeBron shout-out.

    Drink EVERY TIME you hear the word(s):

    17. “I’m not a scientist.”

    18. “You can keep your doctor.”

    19. “ACORN.”

    20. “The war on Christians.”

    21. “Thug.”

    22. “Right here in Ohio.”

    23. “Culture of dependency.”

    23a. “sanctity of traditional/natural marriage.”

    23b. “Planned Parenthood”

    23c. “Religious Liberty/sincerely or deeply-held religious beliefs”

    TAKE A SHOT AT ANY MENTION OF:

    24. “Kenya.”

    25. “All Lives Matter.”

    • Vienna Woods

      Incomplete. No “Planned Parenthood.”

      • jmk

        Or “Religious Liberty/sincerely or deeply-held religious beliefs”

        • Mhael

          BOOM – ADDED!

      • Mhael

        ADDING! :)

    • eddi

      Hello alcohol poisoning!

    • Wendel

      Yes!! I plan on having my personal gastroenterologist on the premises tonight, but he won’t be allowed to participate.

    • Axomamma

      You also left out “sanctity of traditional/natural marriage.”

      • Mhael

        BOOM – ADDED TO THE LIST! :D

    • dshwa

      We’ll be passed out by the end of the opening statements….

  • spends2much

    Tonight, John Ellis Bush! Bush is gon’ try to act Prez-denchal, and the rest of the clown car will just harp on about how “Murica is a dark place where Xtians are persecuted, Hillary, Benghazi, Email…it’s gonna be funny, y’all!

    (Except that these people are actually candidates to become the most powerful person in the world. Wow. Just… wow.)

    • beatbort

      Oh, Lord, I don’t ask you for much…but please please, please tonight let Jeb Bush call Donald Trump an asshole during the debate. I will not ask for anything else. Ever again. If you come through, that is…

      • Wendel

        Yes, please Lord, please. And let it come to fisticuffs.

    • Wendel

      Prez-denchal for Jeb! is crossing his eyes and gracefully waving his arms.

  • Joshua Norton

    They viewed Bush himself as an intruder, a political semi-retiree who sat on the sidelines for eight years while they fought Barack Obama

    Not to mention the unique opportunity it creates for the rest of us to enjoy a GOP primary torn between people who think Obama is Hitler and actual fans of Hitler.

    • Axomamma

      I know, right? Makes my head explode thinking about it.

  • calliecallie

    I was thinking about these assholes this morning. Honestly, this is an embarrassment. As a nation, we should hang our heads in shame that these idiots are pretending to run for president. No wonder the youngsters don’t vote. No wonder ISIS thinks they can beat us. I am mortified for my country by this freaking clown car and the accompanying circus.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Let history record that 150 years after the civil war, the first black President naturally pushed white southerners over the edge of their tenuous sanity and turned their quiet racism into full apeshit poo-flinging assholery.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Well isn’t that the sphincter calling the colon brown…

  • schmannity

    Jeb isn’t out of it until the Supreme Court says he is.

    • Wendel

      And Rick Scott confiscates the hanging chads.

  • Barbara Delaney

    “Jeb Bush has previously said that he favors repealing Obamacare altogether because the advent of new technology like the Apple Watch will make the health law unnecessary.”

    “Jeb! Bush said the food stamp program, low cost school lunches and WIC can all be eliminated because of the advent of new technology like the microwave oven.”

    “Jeb! Bush has said he favors ending all efforts to combat global warming because the advent of new technology like the air conditioner makes it unnecessary.”

    Which statement did Jeb! actually make?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The first one…because it’s actually recent technology. However, knowing what a shithead he is, he thinks that the microwave and the AC are really recent advances, too.

    • Wendel

      All of them, of course. I win!

  • beatbort

    It’s so beautiful to watch the Republican Party implode. From a safe distance.

    • Pixilicious

      Stewart calls it “horrortainment” and as long as they remain on the losing side of the ballot all is good.

      Could you imagine what an America with a President Trump would look like? We barely survived The Village Idiot, I *don’t* think we could survive Trump.

    • Thomas Moloian

      it’s more like liberal communism imploding

  • Zyxomma
    • Zippy

      Jim is always worth a read…

      • BackDoorMan

        … Jim Wright is… well, always right. I’ve been following his blog for some time now, and I have yet to see him falter. Great writing style, sharp insight, informed opinion with just the appropriate amount of snark. Actually… he reminds me of some of the more celebrated Wonketteers here who entertain and enlighten readers with their thoughts and non-comments (looking at you, Zippy… among others). ;)

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Follow the link. It’s a righteous rant at the war mongering maggots who make up the GOP “presidential” field.

      • Thomas Moloian

        and your the maggot who gets the killary prize

  • Strepsi

    Wow, I can’t wait for a new season of C-SPAN’s “Cavalcade of Assholes”, brought to you by Koch-a-Cola, Halliburton, and the good folks at BP !

  • Enfant Terrible

    Wow, Jeb! non-mumbled a thing. Maybe to poach Donald votes?

  • Spurning Beer

    Jeb!, feel free to borrow from the following alternative terms:

    arsehole – back door – back end – balloon knot – bang hole – brown eye – brown spider – brown star – bunghole – butt hole – chocolate starfish – cornhole – freckle – Gary – growler – ham flower – Hershey Highway – matako – mussy – old dirt road – o-ring – poop chute – pooper – prison purse – puckered brown eye – puckered starfish – rusty bullet hole – shit box – shitter – starfish – turd cutter – two-hole — black hole of Calcutta — Cincinnatti chowder bowl — hemorrhoid hibiscus — Colon Powell — hokey pokey — tailpipe — Charmin trap — end zone — Mexican saddlebag — Old Faithful — Rear Admiral — dookie drain — anusburger — the Deep South — storm drain — Klansman’s keyhole — port hole — Plato’s cave — bum bladder — backhanded compliment — crap trap — secret compartment — USB port — Wilmot Proviso

    • Wait, “growler” actually means a lady’s sekrit garden hole. It’s Cockney rhyming slang: “growl and grunt”.

  • DahBoner

    I wonder if there was a moment in every Nazi peon’s life where they woke up and realized they were surrounded by assholes????

    http://media3.giphy.com/media/ZKijCzL5tqOiY/200w_d.gif

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Everyone around me is an asshole!”

      “You’re at the center of it all…what does that make you?”

  • Toomush_Infer

    I have to admit I’m getting excited about tonight’s Guts and Glory Parade of Imbeciles…

    • bozilingus

      Remember, it is Heritage, not Hate. Or was it the other way??

    • Axomamma

      Ii know, right? I’m working on the dinner menu now so there won’t be any distractions at show time. I wanted to make something called Angry Shrimp, but it’s been vetoed already.

  • RoyalUglyDude

    In Jeb!s defense, POLITICO would also like to add that Jeb! didn’t know he was on camera when he made his remarks about the women folk. (Sorta like those pot brownie cops in Orange County).

    • eddi

      These days there is always a camera watching. Lucky I’m an exhibitionist. And a voyeur.

      • Lance Thrustwell

        So you spy on yourself with a hidden camera? (Can I watch?)

        • eddi

          Stock up on brain bleach. I’m a typical American guy.

    • harryeagar

      Even more like Romney at the millionaires’ dinner.

  • docterry6973

    So Trump’s an asshole. So are you, jeb!

    • Thomas Moloian

      jeb is not only an asshole but a brainless idiot like his family and a stupid mexican bandit

  • ImpureScience

    I know you are, but what am I?

  • Axomamma

    I better figure out what channel this is on so I don’t miss a second of it. Is it on Fox News or something else? All I ever watch are those home remodeling shows, and I know it’s not on THAT channel. Although, come to think of it, it would kind of fit in with the theme.

  • Bob@Bob.com

    I have something in common with Jeb!, whodathunkit

  • The world nods in agreement

  • Gorillionaire

    Typical cuckservative.

    • Thomas Moloian

      and your a typical liberal communist killary lover

  • MegPasadena

    Isn’t there a second Hell Mouth under Cleveland beside Sunnydale?
    Is it bad to wish it to open tonight?

  • brucej

    If you’re going to address the Great and Wonderful Trump, you must use his PROPER name “F*ckstick von Clownface”

    • Thomas Moloian

      hey bruce j , then we call you boner dickhead cocksucker von shitface

  • The majority of American do not agree with Jeb. He only cares what his Pope & Knights of Columbus says.

    • Thomas Moloian

      knights of columbus is a radical communist group

  • jw

    What do you know? Jebya’s finally right about something for a change!

    • BackDoorMan

      … something something lots of monkeys… something typewriters, something… shakespeare.

  • Nop

    Jeb Bush, or as I like to refer to him, Jeb Jeb Binks.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Heir apparent or hair apparent, you decide.

  • Wendel

    Jeb! denied it all last night.

  • Teto85

    The whole short bus are a$$hole$. JV and Varsity alike.

  • Kevin Swizzelistic Papa

    As a Democrat, I hate both of them, but I happen to agree with Jeb, since Donald is not working for the Democrats, according to his latest phone statements. He is working for the Republicans, even though he earlier said otherwise, and he wants Ben Carson elected!

    • Thomas Moloian

      hey fuckhead, your a liberal communist shit asshole? well then killary loves you pig! donald trump is next president just fyi.

  • Zappo15

    Jeb is a shthd

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