It’s almost here, everyone, it’s almost here! The moment we have all been waiting for (kind of!) comes Thursday night, when the top ten Republican candidates, as chosen by Fox News Science, will show us their junk on live television! Donald Trump is the frontrunner, because a significant percentage of the Republican base is even dumber than the other percentages of the Republican base, and are impressed by loud men who act like they’re overcompensating for small penises and small minds. They’re like, “Awwww, reminds me of Daddy, PBUH.” Except they probably don’t say “PBUH,” because that’s Muslin.
Of course, there are actually 17 Republican candidates, which means that the ones whose names Fox chief Roger Ailes DIDN’T see when he went to the fortune teller lady to have his skidmarks read don’t get to do the actual debate, but instead have to do their own loser “debate” where they will “debate” their “ideas” at an hour when “nobody is watching television.”
You probably have so many questions about the debate, so we will answer them now, as best as we can:
Who gets to go to there?
Here is the list of candidates, in order of how gay Republican voters are for them:
- Donald “Trump!” Trump
- Jeb! Bush
- Scott Walker
- Mike “Sex Boobies” Huckabee
- Ben Carson
- Ted Cruz, AKA Christ’s Most Chosenest Candidate
- Marco Rubio
- Rand Paul
- Chris Christie
- John Kasich
Who is John Kasich?
Will there be any Messicans there?
What, are you trying to get Donald trump RAPED?
Isn’t that whole “only 10 candidates get to participate” thing kind of bullshit?
Oh totally! We could tell you all about it, but here is your Rachel Maddow, who will explain to you how Fox basically broke its own rules, and should eat a bag of dicks and then feel the rest of the day like there’s one piece of dick stuck back there, that’s impossible to cough up:
Rick Santorum is bitching up a HOLY FUCK storm, isn’t he?
Oh yeah. Get a load of this butthurt:
Santorum spokesman Matt Beynon called it “incredibly flawed,” based on national polls that are “meaningless” this early in the campaign.
“The idea that they have left out the runner-up for the 2012 nomination (Santorum), the former 4-term Governor of Texas (Perry), the Governor of Louisiana (Jindal), the first female Fortune 50 CEO (Fiorina), and the 3-term Senator from South Carolina (Graham) due to polling 7 months before a single vote is cast is preposterous,” Beynon said in a statement.
Quick fact-check. Being “the runner-up for the 2012 nomination” is NOT A THING, ACTUALLY. There is no “runner-up,” as if somehow, if Mitt Romney had posed for Penthouse in his younger days and word got out, Rick Santorum would have gone on to lose the 2012 election to Barack Obama in Romney’s place. Ahem, no.
Also, Carly Fiorina is a nobody in room of nobodies, except for the part about how the other nobodies didn’t run Hewlett-Packard into the ground, which makes them better nobodies than her.
So what’s the full list of total loser candidates whom no one loves, not Fox News, not Wonkette, not Republican primary voters, not Jesus, not America, and who have to do the sad “All By Myself” debate around the same time “Wheel Of Fortune” is on?
That would be, in no particular order, because how really DO you rank losers?
- Carly Fiorina
- Rick Perry
- Rick Santorum
- Bobby Jindal
- Lindsey Graham
- George Pataki
- Jim Gilmore
It’s not important.
Are the loser candidates OK with being on the Loser Hour with the other losers?
Aside from Santorum, giving it the old college try.
When is the debate on?
Check your local listings, Christ, must we do all the work? Actually, fine, we will tell you. The Puppy Bowl for the loser candidates is at 5 PM ET Thursday, and the actual debate for the “grown-ups” is at 9 PM ET. You will have time in between to get very drunk on pot!
Will there be live-blogging?
Duh, are you new here?
See you all Thursday night!