SHARE

You know, if you're not doing anything else that night LOL

It’s almost here, everyone, it’s almost here! The moment we have all been waiting for (kind of!) comes Thursday night, when the top ten Republican candidates, as chosen by Fox News Science, will show us their junk on live television! Donald Trump is the frontrunner, because a significant percentage of the Republican base is even dumber than the other percentages of the Republican base, and are impressed by loud men who act like they’re overcompensating for small penises and small minds. They’re like, “Awwww, reminds me of Daddy, PBUH.” Except they probably don’t say “PBUH,” because that’s Muslin.

Of course, there are actually 17 Republican candidates, which means that the ones whose names Fox chief Roger Ailes DIDN’T see when he went to the fortune teller lady to have his skidmarks read don’t get to do the actual debate, but instead have to do their own loser “debate” where they will “debate” their “ideas” at an hour when “nobody is watching television.”

You probably have so many questions about the debate, so we will answer them now, as best as we can:

Who gets to go to there?

Here is the list of candidates, in order of how gay Republican voters are for them:

  1. Donald “Trump!” Trump
  2. Jeb! Bush
  3. Scott Walker
  4. Mike “Sex Boobies” Huckabee
  5. Ben Carson
  6. Ted Cruz, AKA Christ’s Most Chosenest Candidate
  7. Marco Rubio
  8. Rand Paul
  9. Chris Christie
  10. John Kasich

Who is John Kasich?

Dunno.

Will there be any Messicans there?

What, are you trying to get Donald trump RAPED?

Isn’t that whole “only 10 candidates get to participate” thing kind of bullshit?

Oh totally! We could tell you all about it, but here is your Rachel Maddow, who will explain to you how Fox basically broke its own rules, and should eat a bag of dicks and then feel the rest of the day like there’s one piece of dick stuck back there, that’s impossible to cough up:

Rick Santorum is bitching up a HOLY FUCK storm, isn’t he?

Oh yeah. Get a load of this butthurt:

Santorum spokesman Matt Beynon called it “incredibly flawed,” based on national polls that are “meaningless” this early in the campaign.

“The idea that they have left out the runner-up for the 2012 nomination (Santorum), the former 4-term Governor of Texas (Perry), the Governor of Louisiana (Jindal), the first female Fortune 50 CEO (Fiorina), and the 3-term Senator from South Carolina (Graham) due to polling 7 months before a single vote is cast is preposterous,” Beynon said in a statement.

Quick fact-check. Being “the runner-up for the 2012 nomination” is NOT A THING, ACTUALLY. There is no “runner-up,” as if somehow, if Mitt Romney had posed for Penthouse in his younger days and word got out, Rick Santorum would have gone on to lose the 2012 election to Barack Obama in Romney’s place. Ahem, no.

Also, Carly Fiorina is a nobody in room of nobodies, except for the part about how the other nobodies didn’t run Hewlett-Packard into the ground, which makes them better nobodies than her.

So what’s the full list of total loser candidates whom no one loves, not Fox News, not Wonkette, not Republican primary voters, not Jesus, not America, and who have to do the sad “All By Myself” debate around the same time “Wheel Of Fortune” is on?

That would be, in no particular order, because how really DO you rank losers?

  1. Carly Fiorina
  2. Rick Perry
  3. Rick Santorum
  4. Bobby Jindal
  5. Lindsey Graham
  6. George Pataki
  7. Jim Gilmore

Jim WHO?

It’s not important.

Are the loser candidates OK with being on the Loser Hour with the other losers?

Aside from Santorum, giving it the old college try.

When is the debate on?

Check your local listings, Christ, must we do all the work? Actually, fine, we will tell you. The Puppy Bowl for the loser candidates is at 5 PM ET Thursday, and the actual debate for the “grown-ups” is at 9 PM ET. You will have time in between to get very drunk on pot!

Will there be live-blogging?

Duh, are you new here?

See you all Thursday night!

[Politico / USA Today]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • MsAnthropesMr

    They finally got enough clowns to need a second car.

  • DerrickWildcat

    They should show this thing on that dumb channel that showed Trump’s Miss America game show.

  • goonemeritus

    To make things fairer they should have Trump in both
    debates.

  • Belasaurius

    copious amounts of whiskey and popcorn are on hand. Plus Handi-wipes for when they start fighting each other and I can’t stop the monumental orgasm that follows. Should probably pick up some smokes too.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Cover all the furniture and walls and ceiling in tarp. Can’t be too careful.

  • Nounverb911

    Will they all have their ‘O’ faces on?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Not in public without the Kochs in attendance.

  • vivian

    How sad a specimen do you have to be to poll lower than a retired neurosurgeon who takes his orders directly from God? And that’s 12 of the 17. Incidentally, why did God tell Huckabee, Cruz, Carson, Santorum and a bunch of these guys they should all run at the same time? Is God has a confuse?

    • Nounverb911

      Just shows that God has a sense of humor.

      • Belasaurius

        or that God hates us

        • Celtic_Gnome

          “Hate him back. It works for me.”

      • gedjcj

        A sick, twisted sense of humor, but still…

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      “It’s God’s way of saying, ‘fuck you if you can’t take a joke'” – Woody Allen (creey and pedophiley like dude who writes and directs and produces movies).

    • calliecallie

      What if they’re all hearing from DIFFERENT Gods?!? Wake up, SHEEPLE!

    • Thaumaturgist

      You’re so right. Who elected Ted Cruz the chozenist of the chosen? (Evan Hurst)

  • Callyson

    Rick Santorum is bitching up a HOLY FUCK storm, isn’t he?

    Thanks for brightening up this morning, Wonkette!

    • whatwhomever

      Any time Rick Santorum is mentioned, one should also make note of the fact that he is a colossal dick.

  • Vienna Woods

    And the first leader’s debate for the Canuckistan election is the very same night. I’m a bad Canadian- I will be here with my beloved Wonketeers.

    • calliecallie

      I didn’t think there’s such a thing as a “bad” Canadian. Oh, wait, Ted Cruz. But aside from him.

      • eddi

        They exiled him to Hell. Too bad his old man took a wrong turn at Rochester.

    • Metadude

      I hope Harper gets his ass handed to him, eh.

      • Vienna Woods

        Me also, too, of course, but with the anti-Harper vote splitting 4 ways, I am not optimistic.

        • Thaumaturgist

          Bloc, NDP, Libs? Who’s the fourth?

          • Vienna Woods

            Green.

    • Lascauxcaveman

      I might just watch the CDN debates, instead, since I get some teevee from Canada City. At least on that debate, there will be a chance to hear intelligible sentences spoken by actual human beans.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Even so, that may be too many dick jokes for one stage.

    • Tallmutha

      Or joke dicks.

  • formerChild

    I believe the GOP needs a more effective means of culling potential candidates than relying on Roger Ailes. Perhaps they could borrow Obama’s time machine to go back and set each one adrift on the Nile in a reed basket. It seems likely that most would be found and raised by democrats, because what republican in his “right” mind would rescue a distressed infant?*

    *at least post-partum

    • Thaumaturgist

      No a thousand times. If we let The Holy Establishment run the winnowing, the Republicans will end up with someone arguably electable. Who needs that?

      • formerChild

        A most cogent point.

  • FZsdaughter

    Cavalcade of Clowncars

  • Nounverb911

    Have the ‘drinking game’ rules been established yet?

    • vivian

      1. Start now.
      2. Don’t stop until December 2016
      3. Remember to eat occasionally

    • drbloor

      Devising rules that won’t put everyone in the ER with acute alcohol poisoning is proving to be tricky.

    • marxalot

      Matt Taibbi is here to help. Just read carefully or you’ll leave in an ambulance. Even then.

      • willi0000000

        agreed . . . all categories should be “the first time you hear” . . . or in some cases “the tenth time you hear”

    • Lance Thrustwell

      You have to drink any time a candidate says “strength,” “faith,” “family,” “values,” “freedom,” “business,” “competitive,” “markets,” “activist judges,” or “sincerely held religious beliefs.”

      I’ll wait for you to arrive in the morgue.

      • Callyson

        Jesus, I’ll pass out during the Puppy Bowl debate if I follow those rules.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          This being Fucks Gnus, the moderators will probably knock you out before the candidates utter a word.

    • eddi

      A shot of Mad Dog every time one of them opens his mouth. Should put you under the couch before the midbreak.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …if you think this is a shit show now, imagine how far off the rails this cluster fuck will go if Trumps increases his lead in the polls after this debate?!?!?

    • Nounverb911

      ..

      • willi0000000

        i too am speechless.

      • And, of course, the whole place is bankrupt.

        • eddi

          Financially or morally?

      • Thaumaturgist

        I figure the roulette wheel is going to be in the Lincoln Bedroom.

      • andreamd

        I hope we could emigrate if that happens. We have nothing to offer another country -except I have a pension

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Depends entirely on how stupid the “undecided” contingent is. Anyone who’s not horrified by the thought of preznident Trump is pretty fucking stupid, so I’d say a good 5-10% bump is entirely possible. The other big “winner” will probably be Chris Crisco, who – whatever his faults – is not stupid, and can pick up the not-stupid demographic.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Phew, at least Ben Carson made the cut. For a minute there, I was concerned about the Republican commitment to diversity.

    • mateo

      This is my father-in-law’s horse, so I’m glad I can laugh my ass off watching him trip out the gate

      • drbloor

        You’re about to get a sternly-worded letter from the Equine Antidefamation League.

  • marxalot

    … I picked the wrong week to stop getting drunk on pot.

  • DerrickWildcat

    When is this on in America time?

    • willi0000000

      on what?

      • Callyson

        (insert drug of your choice here)

    • say wha

      Late 1800’s.

  • FauxAntocles

    It would save space on the stage if the Kochs showed up and just told us what their policies will be.

  • Callyson

    And while I get that having all seventeen candidates on the stage would be rather unwieldy, is there another reason for FOX News’ decision to limit participation to ten of them? Yes?

    As Media Matters has documented, candidates have been flocking to the network to get face time with its influential hosts and reach its conservative audience, which in turn boosts interest in Fox. In some cases, candidates and groups supporting them have spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on Fox ads to help bolster their image and hopefully increase their national polling ahead of the debate.

    In a segment laying out how super PACs supporting former Texas Gov. Rick Perry had made a large ad buy on Fox News and other cable networks ahead of the debate, MSNBC host Rachel Maddow explained, “So, Fox News set that rule for the Republican Party, and now, Fox News gets to cash in on that rule by getting all of the Rick Perry super PAC money in the form of his national ads. It’s a nice racket, right?”

    Oh…

  • PsycWench

    The list is missing Bob McDonnell and Mark Sanford. Is there a rule against getting caught?

    • Thaumaturgist

      If they had every Republican who ever got caught on that list, it would be Hundreds & Counting.

  • UnionGoon

    “Jim Gilmore? Jim WHO?” – that cracked me right the hell up!

    • Nounverb911

      Didn’t Gilmore’s ‘use by’ date expire about 12 years ago?

      • Latverian Diplomat

        He was a candidate for all of three months back in 2007.

        This time, he’s probably hoping for VP because he’s from the swing state of Virginia. (See also, Kasich).

    • Lady Bug

      You KNOW Rory Gilmore’s grandpa.

    • JohnBull

      Jim Gilmore. You may remember him from such TV classics as “The Not-So-Real McCoy” and “How to Succeed in Governing Without Really Sucking.”

    • LesBontemps

      The Gilmore Girls would be a lot better choice.

    • Notreelyhelping

      The guy from Pink Floyd, right? The singy one, not the shouty one.

    • Querolous

      Gilmore? Lee says no!

  • Iran: should we just bomb them now because Netanyahu has a sad? Or should we bomb them and then invade them and bring some of that successful Iraqi regime change with us? Or should we nuke them since they’ve shown no intentions of attacking us but we all know that just proves what sneaky bastards those Persian Muslims are?

    Planned Parenthood: Should we shut down the government to defund them? Or defund them and send in the troops to arrest them all? Or defund them, send in the troops, and publicly flog them until they’re bloody pieces of meat in the name of being pro-life?

    No… there’s absolutely no contradiction with calling ourselves pro-life and having massive pro-war boner fantasies of screaming and dying Iranians. Next question.

    Taxes: How high of a negative tax rate should we give the rich?

    Environment: Should we drill in our national parks or frack or frack and drill? Or sell our national parks to energy concerns and trust that if people really want to have pristine wilderness spaces then the free market will provide for them at a reasonable fee? What have the god damn polar bears done for us lately anyway?

    • AntiDerpomeme

      But, will you de-fund and cancel Obamacare? And no mention of my sacred Constitubiblical right to guns and traitor flags, so you lose points there.

      Overall, I give you a solid 8.2, factoring in the Soviet judge’s low marks on the balance beam.

      • Obamacare will be replaced by free Godcare. You will be assigned a priest or pastor of your choice to pray over you and anoint your head with oil when you get sick. If you die, you obviously lacked faith.

        The gun is good. The vagina is bad. I thought that went without saying.

        And if you can’t feel free to express the love of your country by proudly waving the banner of a country that killed tens of thousands of fine noble loyal Americans, what kind of a country do we live in?

        • Thaumaturgist

          Obvs, ComradeDread, you’re not a Catholic. The priest isn’t there to cure you. He’s there to help you fill out your will.

          • My goodness, my young Papist friend… that sounds a lot like a DEATH PANEL! Pope Francis has ruined everything with his godless commie liberalism!!!! BENGAHZI!!!!

        • eddi
    • schmannity

      Will you roll back onerous regulations on the drug industry so that they can fast track medicines for unsafe food and carcinogenic water?

  • mateo

    I’ve had this on my calendar for over a month now

    • My eyes! The goggles do nothing!!!!

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Or, in the case of Rick Perry, the glasses do nothing!

    • Vienna Woods

      So. Wrong.

    • drbloor

      I think I speak for all of us when I say you should have kept it there.

    • BearGHAZI

      mateo, did you ever know that you’re my hero?

    • Callyson

      I may never have sex again.

    • blondeiq

      Pass the eye bleach. Some things cannot be unseen

    • Whale Chowder

      I never, ever thought I’d say this but: thank bog he’s wearing a thong.

    • eddi
  • say wha

    And you say this “debate” will be on something called “Fox”? I’m not sure that my TeeVee machine is familiar with this “Fox” of which you speak.

    • Zyxomma

      The only time I’ve ever seen it was while in the waiting room at a doctor’s office, and I ignored it. Of course, I’ve seen numerous clips.

      • say wha

        True story: I was at the cardiologist’s office and they had Fox on this big-ass, wall-mounted, flat-screen behemoth. Since I was the only one in there, I turned the volume off and ignored it. As other patients came into the waiting room, they stared at the screen, slack-jawed and drooling with no sound. I guess I forgot to turn off the dog whistle.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Since God is telling all these people to run, maybe they should let God decide who gets to sit at the grown-up table.
    Then again, you can hardly blame them for taking the “fool me once, shame on me…” approach.

    • FauxAntocles

      ______ them all and let God sort them out!

      • Callyson

        1. Commit (to an insane asylum)

        2. Defeat (in a landslide)

        3. Forget about (and maintain your sanity)

        …who am I kidding, this is the ultimate “all of them, Katie.”

      • Nounverb911

        Are you proposing a debate sponsored by the NRA?

        • FauxAntocles

          I didn’t say that…

        • Lance Thrustwell

          I like that! Arm every candidate with a handgun that has a hair trigger and no safety. Let’s narrow down the field!

          Um, with votes.

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            If we’re going to thin the candidates’ ranks this way, we may have to think twice about how to pronounce “lead”.

          • Thaumaturgist

            No, she didn’t say that. Look at that line, in front of “them all and let God.” The real message is in that line.

          • eddi

            Like the energy saving light bulb they all oppose. Herd thinning is what we used to call it.

  • Tendernob

    This is sublime day for make better glorious nation of America!

    • drbloor

      The world would be a much better place if that sociopathic shitbag dentist had just aimed a little higher.

      With votes, of course.

    • 3FingerPete

      Trump is Putin with a shirt.

      • Callyson

        Thank God for that: a shirtless Trump isn’t a sight I want to see.

      • HolidayinCambodia

        And a less flexible mistress.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      What happened to the Cos? Does the back of Trumps shirt say, “If you can read this, that means the rapist fell off.”?

  • proofreader

    Evan. You write good.
    As do all the other Wonkers. Fun to read.

  • Incoming Ham

    Fox has spoken on behalf of the GOP – they can’t do anything about Cruz or Trump yet, but they culled the other two weakest and problematic candidates.

    • Karen Marie

      Which ones are those? I would have thought it was AOT,K.

  • ArgieBargie

    And old one, but worth reposting:

    A Cuban, a White Supremacist and Canadian walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What can I get you, Senator Cruz?”

    • Reddishrabbit

      He always gets a whiskey distilled by AK 47 heat. Just like his bacon.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        AR 15 libelz!

    • chicken thief

      “Wait, wait…. Jesus will tell me in just a sec….”

      ~ Ted Cruz

    • Sam Hain

      “A glass of curdled milk and a shot of 151”

  • Reddishrabbit

    President Obama,
    Please declare August 7th a holiday. There is no way I can make it to work without a shocking hangover (or still buzzed).
    Thx,
    Sane America

  • Hemp Dogbane

    Will shoes be thrown? Or whacked on the table? 3 of my Needful Things ads were for shoes.

    • Nounverb911

      Needs more Nikita Khrushchev.

    • Antimassacree

      Well, all of the GOP candidates are well-heeled

      • say wha

        But soulless.

        • vivian

          I see you’re keeping your comments instep with the theme.

          • chicken thief

            A bunch of loafers, all of them.

          • sohadicouldsplit

            Just a bunch of spectators with wedge issues trying to pump up the volume.

          • Querolous

            Will they be speaking in tongues?

          • Doug Langley

            They’ll try to sneaker in “Benghazi” and “emails”.

          • Querolous

            I think we are on a slippery slope.

    • Querolous

      This should be very interesting. How do you take off yours shoes so that you can throw them, when both feet are in your mouth and your head is shoved up your ass?

  • calliecallie

    Do we have a drinking game protocol established yet?

    • JohnBull

      “United States of America: (the whole phrase, because only libs say “the US”) two drinks.
      “Shove Obamacare/Planned Parenthood/Condoms down our throats” two drinks
      “God fearin'” one drink
      “Religious freedom”: time to get the Stoli.

      • andreamd

        homosexual marriage, Benghazi, Hillary Clinton, Iran deal

  • whatwhomever

    I can’t watch the loser debate because I don’t want to be too drunk before the classy debate. Or wait, maybe I do…

  • Me not sure

    I suggest starting with a large plate of edibles at about 2 pm then just reading about the debates after you come to your senses on Friday. Why torture yourself.

    • Callyson

      I thought about that, but I have a seriously twisted sense of humor so I’m in. This trainwreck is irresistible!

      • Me not sure

        OK then, just a fattie and a glass of wine to up the giggle quotient.

  • DerrickWildcat

    Chris Wallace: Senator Paul, Will the middle class have to bear some of the burden — either in higher taxes or fewer government benefits — to bring the federal deficit under control?

    Rand Paul: Donald Trump’s wife is ugly ugly ugly. Ichhh!

    Chis Wallace: Senator Lindsey Graham, Are there any tax increases of any kind that you would accept over the next decade

    Lindsey Graham: I agree with Senator Paul, Trump’s wife is a ghoulish hellish monster.

    • chicken thief

      Miss Lindsey would walk on eggs around that question. Trump is classy enough to blurt “MY wife – tell us about yours. I heard you suck YOOGE cock!”

      • Me not sure

        Oh pleeze, oh pleeze, oh pleeze.

    • Me not sure

      ….and don’t EVEN get me started on that Mary Pat Christie.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Hey, let’s go easy on Mart Pat. You ever get a load of what she has to sleep with?

        • Me not sure

          A load?

  • Metadude

    So what is the phrase for the drinky game?

    • Metadude

      And don’t say “Ronald Reagan” or we’ll all be in the hospital.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Thanks to EMTALA, free emergency room care for everyone!

      • TheBidenator

        No Reagan, or Obamacare, or YOOGE and Classy, or Benghazi or baby parts, or bomb Iran or defund planned parenthood and FFS no Jesus references, either. Did I leave anything out? The idea is to survive this GOP debate, after all….

    • drbloor

      Cirrhosis? Oh, oh…how about Obamacare?

    • freakishlystrong

      “Leading from behind”. Perfect for a Republican confab. (This is not a debate, that would require “ideas”).

  • 3FingerPete

    My prediction of Trump’s performance.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    This drinking game needs a safe word.

    • Belasaurius

      Benghazi

    • sosuume
      • Vienna Woods

        No Planned Parenthood? WTF?

        • sosuume

          The author misspoke.

        • Callyson

          I think that’s covered by rule 7:

          7. Anyone mentions Hitler, Nazis or Neville Chamberlain. Includes related imagery, e.g. “ovens.”

        • chicken thief

          Also too ’email server’?

    • TheBidenator

      I’m just lucky I don’t drink much in the way of alcohol or else I wouldn’t be able to stop drinking once I realize that this is the best one of America’s two major parties could come up with….

    • georgiaburning

      “2017”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Obummer!

  • JohnR

    Kasich was a FOX commentator was he not? Perry was not a FOX employee but there is hope. What about Frothy wasn’t he on the payroll?

  • schmannity

    Let me be the first to declare Trump the yooogest, classiest winner.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      So true. The debating part is merely a formality.

      • schmannity

        That can’t debate me because i am right and terrific!

    • vivian

      ummm, maybe the second, because I’m pretty sure Donald was the first.

    • TheBidenator

      I think the obstetrician who delivered him beat ya to it according to Donald Trump’s autobiography “YOOGE and CLASSY to tha Bone ya Bastids” written by some poor slave Messican kid who was unfortunate enough to know how to use a word processor from dictation by the Trump.

      From the book:

      “So I’m not some loser who takes the regular birth canal, ya know? The doctor slid a little yacht up my moms cooch because when the Donald gets born, he gets born in style, saavy? So I came out to rose petals and harpists and was put into a gold plated baby blanket and the whole thing was so yoooge and classy and the doctor says to my dad, “Your son’s a winner” and my dad says, “Tell me something I don’t know, he came from me” and my dad farted to say it was so”

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      He’s angry at the same things I’m angry at! Him being President is the next best thing to having my own nuclear arsenal to use against people who piss me off.

      • schmannity

        It makes me a ten billionaire!

  • OneDemin EOr

    Gonna be “potting it up” at my house for sure!

    • Belasaurius

      until President Christie outlaws it. “President Christie”, oh I made my self laugh til I peed

  • Steverino247

    This will be a trainwreck, the likes of which even Gomez Addams could never conceive.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2ALcdPsGaM4

    • cousin itt

      I like.

  • sosuume

    We have 10 “master debaters” plus a side show featuring the 7 dwarfs. Not enough liquor.

  • Lord-Nash

    I still think Fox ‘News’ should just put all of the candidates on the stage for the ‘debate’. Let the right see just how much of a clusterfuck this is.

    • Lizzietish81

      In their underwear to fight in jello using boffer swords.

      • Suttree

        I’m sure Miss Lindsey would like to sword fight someone/anyone.

  • MrBlobfish

    Darn. Cable at the new Casa de Blobfish won’t be hooked up until Friday. Hope I can stream it somehow.

    • Zyxomma

      I pay so much for cable internet that I can’t afford TV. I have broadcast, which will improve immensely when the antenna on WTC, I mean freedom tower, opens. No direct line of sight from Empire State Building to my tenement, No Trump Tower. Let me know if there’s a streaming option. Thanks. Maybe I’ll just make do with the live blog here.

    • Thaumaturgist

      What do you think sports bars are for Blobfish?

      • andreamd

        yes, my candidate for Congress(who is seriously progressive) is having a debate watch at a local Irish pub

    • Querolous
  • Latverian Diplomat

    I just hope Christie doesn’t try to surf the crowd.

  • Angry_Cop

    Fiorina will always be my number one loser. No matter what.

    • BearGHAZI

      But she’s so FEMALE!!!

  • TheBidenator

    I will say this, I’m looking forward to how Trump handles the attacks because if he’s anything like he is on twitter, the lulz will be had numerous times….mostly at Fox for broadcasting this travesty.

    • DerrickWildcat

      They’ll all be pokin’ him with a sharp stick.

      • Biff52

        Hey, ain’t seen you here in a while!

    • Angry_Cop

      It’s going to be interesting how Fox handles Trump, because the one thing they don’t want is him coming out of this a “winner”.

      I don’t think much of The Donald’s intellect, much less his financial acumen, but I have a feeling handling this is not going to be too difficult for him. He’s got more time on TV than everyone else on stage combined, is a raging asshole and is unencumbered by any self-doubt.

      • Suttree

        “raging asshole and is unencumbered by any self-doubt”, sooooo, a republican?

        • BackDoorMan

          … of the YOOOOGEST! kind…

  • DerrickWildcat

    They could like do the Bachelorette with Ann Coulter starring as the lady and eliminate a candidate each week. This way they could have all the candidates participate in a Democratic way.

    • CripesAmighty

      Andrea Tantaros? She could make sammiches…

  • beatbort

    Ten boxers all going for a first-round knockout. The first 15 minutes could be a doozy, as it will reveal: Can anyone top Donald Trump for loud and insane talking points? By the second round, there may be only two fighters left standing.

    • MrBlobfish

      You know Trump won’t be able to keep his stinking trap shut and will keep interrupting the other clowns.

      • sillyclucker

        A drink every time he interrupts?

        • Karen Marie

          I am going to have to lay in a second bottle.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Great minds, Karen…

          • Querolous

            Just one should be enough.

        • CripesAmighty

          And chaser if he says, ‘scyOOOOOOOse ME!…scyOOOse ME!’ when he does.

  • FeloniousMonk

    The losers are on first? Who gets to tell Jindal to fais do-do?

    • Suttree

      Dr. John? The loup garou?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    This is going to be epic.

    The liveblog, not the “debate” itself. Snarkapalooza ’15!

  • georgiaburning

    Shouldn’t this be a WWE event? With lots of handy folding chairs around the stage?

    • artem1s

      Is it too late for Bobby Knight to declare?

      • Suttree

        IU and TT libelz! But thank you for bringing reality into the fray.
        Edit: When I was about five years old I got to see Bobby Knight throw a chair in Bloomington. Memories……

    • Biff52

      Get Geraldo on the phone!

  • rumsey

    Everyone, including the Fox “interviewers,” will have their long knives out for Trump. They can’t let him get much further than he is already. Watch for the trick questions that will make him blow up and create the “Trump out of control” headlines the next day.
    But, then, who? Roger Ailes, what is it that you want? You’re smarter than a Koch and know that Scott Walker is junior varsity. Ay de mi.

    • timpundit

      Yeah, but what if he doesn’t? What if, he actually acts like a normal bat-shit republican with a policy and everything? I think that’s what they are more afraid of…Trump acting like he can be sane.

      • Thaumaturgist

        But even if he does. Then what. The ultimate audience for this thing is the Republican Base, the squeakiest of the squeaky wheels.

        • timpundit

          He’ll be even more formidable (in the republican race) is he can get some people to think he’s not all that crazy and does have serious(?) policy proposals. I think the bigger danger to them all (and mind you – I love all of this) is that Trump doesn’t come off all Trump-like tomorrow night.

        • Biff52

          TrumP! is good for keeping them frothed up, since Santorum won’t be there.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          At this point, the only solution I see for the Republican Party is just to walk away and let the base have the party. The rest of them will just have to start a new party, because the Republican brand is beyond recovery

          • eddi

            Start planning their 2020 run and accept that this time around is time to flush the current party. The last sane Rebs can form the New Republic(ian) Party. I’m not sure who they could run since there are no decent conservatives making waves right now. Or I’m just missing them because I don’t dig deep enough into the news.

          • Thaumaturgist

            Why bother to start a new party. Hasn’t The Holy Establishment, formerly the core of the Republican Party, co-opted the Dems? Do we really need three right wing parties in this country?

            If a third party rises out of the ashes, it’s going to be on the left, because the liberals in this country are going to cede the Democrat Party to the banks. There’s no more roo. On the right for another right wing party. I figure the new party will make its big move by 2024 — we have to wait for the 2020 redistricting to kill off the GOP — but won’t be a majority party until 2026 or 2028.

      • Tansy Geek

        Trump, with a policy? Acting with self control? BWHAHAHAHAAA!!! My senile diabetic cat is more likely to present some rational policies for national government.

        • timpundit

          We’ll see. All he needs now is a veneer of reasonableness, and I think he may be smart enough to know that.

    • Rick Hill

      I’m going to predict that this will actually strengthen his standings in the polls

    • Notreelyhelping

      Trump: Christie can’t be president. He’s too damn fat!
      Christie: Fuck off, you phony-haired shitweasel! (Snatches rug.)

      Slap slap slap slap slap!

      • Dorothy Nelson

        I haz a happy, mulling this image :-)

      • RC

        I have a vision of that scene in Valley of the Dolls where Patty Duke’s Character snatches the wig off of another actress’s head and flushes it down the toilet.

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        You bitch! I’ll scratch your eyes out!

    • Whale Chowder

      Imma disagree with you. Ailes has every interest in drawing this out as far as he can, keeping Trump! at the top as long as he can, because that means controversy and controversy means ratings for FOX. They will let Trumpy run roughshod over the rest of the field ’cause that’s good TV!

      • Biff52

        I can’t really see it increasing their ratings much, their audience lost their remote controls a long time ago.

        • HuddledMass

          Hey, WE”RE watching, aren’t we? It’s a whole new business model for Fox – get the liebruls into your demographic with these right-winger-Thunderdome- smackdown events.

          • Biff52

            I refuse to tune in to that channel. I’ll get more than enough of it from other sources, and of course we can trust Dan (it’s gotta be Dan, since $arah quit and left him jerbless) to tell us the salient points, hopefully complete with .gifs and blingees.

  • Joshua Norton

    Donald “Trump!” Trump
    Jeb! Bush
    Scott Walker
    Mike “Sex Boobies” Huckabee
    Ben Carson
    Ted Cruz, AKA Christ’s Most Chosenest Candidate
    Marco Rubio
    Rand Paul
    Chris Christie
    John Kasich
    Carly Fiorina
    Rick Perry
    Rick Santorum
    Bobby Jindal
    Lindsey Graham
    George Pataki
    Jim Gilmore

    Eeeesh! Most of this crew should be on lithium, not an election ballot.

    • Rick Hill

      This represents the cream of the gop crop. That means the rest are actively engaged in running our country…..

    • Suttree

      You misspelled Haldol.

    • eddi

      Most should be in a padded cell. Thanks again Reagan.

  • sillyclucker

    Too bad I’ll miss the first “debate” but that’s when I gotta feed the chickens.

    • chicken thief

      Chickens, you say? Where might you be located?…

      • sillyclucker

        An undisclosed location far away from wingnuts and chicken thieves. However, I’ll hand deliver the stupid one (that I hatched in an incubator and handfed, for God’s Sake) that attacks me everyday.

      • Doug Langley

        Nice try, Chicken Thief.

    • bozilingus

      Keep your chickens as far from the Repub candidates as possible.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      One must keep ones priorities straight.

      • sillyclucker

        Absolutely! The chickens contribute more to society than anyone who’ll be at the debate.

  • MrBlobfish
    • 3FingerPete

      I see it like this.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Needs more cow bell!

  • Ryan Denniston

    Because Jeb! has a ! after Jeb, I would think that the Don would prefer Trump!! as opposed to Trump! He overcompensates every other way.

  • timpundit

    they each only have about 120 seconds to talk. This may not be as fun as I imagined.

    • eddi

      Jeez. Why bother then?

  • Mavenmaven

    If it weren’t for Trump, no one would even care about this boring kiss-up-to-koch pageant.

    • eddi

      Everyone is praying for a gaffe that end this farce of a republic in flames and torment. And Donnie is just the boy to trigger it.

  • Can we finally stop pretending Fox News is a news channel and not literally in charge of the Republican Party?

  • Fox could have easily let all 17 candidates attend the debate as long as it let them all answer the questions at the same time. It’s not like we can expect a great spectrum of opinions.

    • Comrade Wingtardd 5467p

      The clear answer. Duh.

  • Lord-Nash

    Every candidate’s response to everything said by someone else in this debate…
    Minus the thank you.

  • John

    Remember all of those old-timey silent movies with trains crashing into cars?
    Those had more intelligent dialogue than this debate will have.

  • Joshua Norton

    Jim Gilmore is busy researching who the hell he is.

    • zerosumgame0005

      it’s so sad when someone Google’s themselves and no results come up…

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Or when results come up.
        -Rick Santorum

        • zerosumgame0005

          true dat! :)

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Wasn’t he executed by a Utah firing squad a few decades ago?

  • Shoto

    Wait: No Zombie Saint Ronnie? Flawed Poll!!

    • John Smith

      Zombie Ronnie couldn’t get elected flag folder in today’s Republican party. He’s a RINO.

  • Toomush_Infer

    With 120 seconds each (240 for Trump, say) they’ll barely be able to belt out their own names and piss quickly on Obama, much less fight each other… the only fun will be here on Wonkette…. too bad we won’t be able to comment…

  • RoyalUglyDude

    I’m OK with their methodology for granting spots in the debate. As long as “Margin of Error” gets a podium at center stage.

  • Lord-Nash

    Any chance Jon will cover this before leaving the Daily Show?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      I’m hoping he can do surprise a walk-on like Letterman.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lfuXYh-BFoc

    • Bitter Scribe

      I’m just worried the debate will conflict with his last show.

      (Not that worried–I’m taping the show.)

  • The Other Tim

    How is Carly supposed to connect with the fucked-up teeth Republican hillbilly base if they can’t see her mouth talk on the picture box?

  • Snarx

    I thought Jim Gilmore went blind upon the 2008 election?!

    • bozilingus

      From too much fapping?

  • Karen Marie

    I can’t remember the last time I was excited to watch a Republican primary debate. Oh, that’s right – it was NEVER! Until this one, because who doesn’t love watching a 17-car pileup from the comfort of one’s couch?

  • Dolmance

    More dead Reagan worship. He’s gonna be fucking with us until we’re as dead as he is.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      ARRRRRGGGGHHHH! Some fucking warning next time, okay? Jeebus!

      • James Christopher Owen

        Here. I saved a little for you.

      • Dolmance

        Hey, look who joined us. It’s Breitbart!!!

    • James Christopher Owen

      GAH! CANNOT…UNSEE…

      • Dolmance

        Come look who joined us!

  • toomanyrappers

    Is Huckabee bringing cinnamon rolls? :)

    Hint: Even the craziest anti-vaxxers agree your diabetes cure is bullshit. You can’t win, asshole!

  • laineypc

    Meanwhile in Canada…citizens are wondering how they are going to survive a record 11 week federal campaign season, the longest in recent history.

    • Incoming Ham

      What we have going here shouldn’t be permitted. Limit time, limit money.

      • eddi

        Limit ad revenue, never happen.

        • Incoming Ham

          Agreed. Also agreed it will never happen.

    • fgbndslndr

      I am living on hope that that dead-eyed kitten eater has finally cooked his own fucking goose. If he wins again, I’m moving to Libya.

  • Dorothy Nelson

    Runner up?

  • CripesAmighty

    Now, if they really wanted to make this a worthwhile exercise, they really should stop at the bar first.

  • Barbara Delaney

    Jim Gilmore is the older brother of the Gilmore Girls…duh, I thought everybody knew that.

  • Paperless Tiger

    I’m sure these guys really want to save America, but it’s hard to imagine anything much worse than them happening to it.

  • Mr Corrections

    I am gay marriaging that fucking image

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      IKR? It is the BESTEST EVER.

  • Warpde

    Thanks Wonkette.
    I was running out of a “get drunk on a Thusday” night excuse.
    Well, not really.

  • Tansy Geek

    I’m gonna have to call out sick from work on Thursday evening to ensure I can follow Wonkette continuously.

  • Bob Harrow

    Let the teatard games begin.. debate my ass. Call it what it is 10 clowns given a un natural act type thingy to the simian trogs of buttfck county…

  • Charles Cates

    Is this circle jerk going to be FREE and online somewheres? The Fox site indicates no but that’s just preaching to the choir. Of fucking nutjobs.

    • Biff52

      Just come here and read the non-existent comments.

      • Charles Cates

        You guys will be my eyes and ears. My liver will do its best. (I actually do have stage one cirrhosis–Hep C.)

        • fgbndslndr

          There are some fancy new drugs that don’t even try to kill you while they cure you. Hope you have access. Good luck.

          • Charles Cates

            Thanks. I had the interferon/ribavirin almost a dozen years ago and I’ve cleared the virus. I had insurance then.
            Kids, don’t play with needle drugs, just stick with pot & mushrooms!!

          • fgbndslndr

            I’ll second that. For me, it was third time the charm. My spouse has gold-plated insurance that continues through retirement – and people over 65 get drug coverage in some provinces. No one should be without insurance. It’s fucking criminal.

  • chicarmoire

    Jim Gilmore eliminated the “car tax” in 1998 and killed (with dollars) every counties budget. Fuck that guy; our school system is still suffering.

    • Biff52

      I can’t believe more than one clueless republican governor fell for that dumb trick.

    • andreamd

      So not part of the Gilmore Girls family?

    • Barley_Brains

      Ummm, what state is that? Just asking for a friend.

      • Wombat

        Virginia.

        • Barley_Brains

          Wait a minute – Virginia isn’t a state, it’s a commonwealth. Sounds communist to me!!!1!

  • Fly

    Will this be a managed debate, much like a pheasant hunt, where instead, they release fucked chickens?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Birdshot to the face could actually make this more interesting.

      • eddi

        The studio is a no-gun zone. Roger Ailes fears assassins.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Donald Trump, nine other losers and one gay guy walk into a bar. The bartender says to them:

    What will you be having tonight Senator Graham?

    • Beaumarchais?

      Is the punchline “The Aristocrats!”?

  • Biff52

    YAY, livebloog! I don’t have to sully my teevee screen with that shit!

  • AndInThisCorner

    Woohoo the hootenanny begins!
    But seriously what are they going to “debate”? I mean they agree on everything…….. so is it just going to be an attempt at convincing everyone who hates things the mostbestest?

    • Markuserektus

      Best way to cook bacon; pan, microwave or machine gun.

    • eddi

      I don’t think the question list has been released, if there is one. It’s Fox so they will go easy on them.

  • andreamd

    5 PM??? I only have a volunteer job and I can’t get home by 5 Pm. I will have to catch up by reading your liveblog-but not live

  • Helena Handbag

    I’ll tune in for the evening gown competition, but only because I want to see Christy sashay down the catwalk to the beat of I’m too sexxy for my shirt. I’ll rely on my wonkette for the other bits. Does the new server allow comments yet?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I’m recording both, because I don’t kowtow to Fox and their schedule, but I still want to see the kiddie table. After putting up with eight years of the Bush Administration Brought to you By Fox News, I want to see each and every one of these masters of the universe in all their inglorious glory.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    This is a cage match, isn’t it?

    • Markuserektus

      Monkey cage.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Welcome to the Monkey House.

    • eddi

      Flaming barbwire cage suspended over a den of rabid bloggers.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Is this Roger Ailes’ last-ditch attempt to control the Republican Party since he can’t compete financially against the Koch Brothers?

  • The only way to solve this shit is Thunderdome.

    • eddi

      17 walk in. The whole town walks out.

  • Alex Grey

    AOT;K

  • Ambignostic

    Here’s your White House petition for Obama to live-tweet the debates. http://wh.gov/iI7ZB

  • tihond

    Is it true that who ever comes in last in the debate has to eat the piece of “toast” at the end?

  • AngstAMillion

    I look forward to the live blogging but wish so much for Joel & the robots to do a Political Science Theater 3000….

  • Laffing Crow

    My advice on how to handle Trump? Pull out a breast pump.

  • Cognitogrrl

    Here I am, Leslie C sent me. We have the cheapest tier of Comcast, which does not offer the Fox News Channel, so no clown party for me. How they doing?

  • Cognitogrrl

    I must not be on the live blog, bye

Previous articleBen Carson Not Sure Which Bible Parts Are The Boss Of The Constitution
Next articleFlorida Jerks Super Excited Their Neighbor Shot A Kid, Saved A TV