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Y’all wanna watch the exact moment Jeb! Bush guaranteed he will never be president? Of course you do:

The next president should defund Planned Parenthood. I have the benefit of having been governor, and we did defund Planned Parenthood when I was governor. We tried to create a culture of life across the board.

The argument against this is, well, women’s health issues are gonna be — you’re attacking — it’s a war on women, and you’re attacking women’s health issues. You could take, dollar for dollar — although I’m not sure we need a half a billion dollars for women’s health issues — but if you took, dollar for dollar, there are many extraordinarily fine organizations, community health organizations, that exist. Federally sponsored community health organizations, to provide quality care for women on a wide variety of health issues.

Did you catch that?

I’m not sure we need a half a billion dollars for women’s health issues.

Do you know why this is the moment? Let’s ask President Mitt Romney to explain it. Oh wait, we can’t because he’s not the president. See, in 2012, Romney also threatened to “get rid of” Planned Parenthood, and do you remember what happened? He lost lady voters by double digits. Ya can’t win the White House without the lady voters, because math. (Ask your wife, fellas, she’ll explain it to you.)

Funny thing happened in 2012. When women heard Romney wanted to take away their healthcare, they were a lot less inclined to vote for him. True story! Do you think it would be different for Jeb! Bush? Because if so, to quote Sen. Elizabeth Warren, did you fall and hit your head? Planned Parenthood is more popular than Jeb! Bush. By a whole lot of digits. That is also a true story.

So when Jeb declares that we don’t need to spend half a billion dollars on “women’s health issues,” you gotta wonder: how much does he think we should spend? Is it zero dollars? Because it sure seems like that’s what he has in mind. He’s awful damn proud of how he gutted women’s healthcare when he was the governor of Florida:

As Florida Governor, Jeb vetoed state funding for Planned Parenthood. Instead, at his urging, the state directed funds to crisis pregnancy support services across Florida. These services help women facing difficult circumstances avoid abortion through counseling and life support services.

You know what crisis pregnancy centers do? They tell you you’re going to get cancer, kill yourself, and then burn in hell if you have an abortion. They tell you to just start prayin’ to Jesus, and everything will work out fine. You know what they don’t do?

They don’t FUCKING PROVIDE HEALTHCARE. Crisis pregnancy centers, which are federally funded with your taxpayer dollars, FYI, are not actually healthcare centers. Most of them don’t bother employing any trained medical staff because you don’t need a degree in doctoring to quote the Bible to “patients,” right?

Is that the kind of “healthcare” Jeb has in mind? Because Grandma Rosary Beads at your local CPC is not certified to smear your pap or examine your lady lumps. She can’t prescribe your birth control — not that she would — and we’re pretty sure she doesn’t know how to spell HIV, let alone test for it.

Is that where Jeb thinks our less-than-half-a-billion-dollars should be spent instead of Planned Parenthood, which is staffed with doctors and nurses because of how it actually does provide healthcare? Because the Congressional Budget Office says that will reduce available services and cost the government more money. That’s not very good fiscal conservatism, Jeb.

But never mind, because after Jeb wrapped up his little speech, someone whispered in his ear that the Internet says he just did a REAL BAD THING. Jeb! released a statement saying that women’s health organizations that are not Planned Parenthood “need to be fully funded.” Only that wasn’t enough, so he released another statement saying that he “misspoke,” even though he didn’t mention which part he thinks he got wrong. Plus, he’s got this nice lady doctor right here to tell you how much he loves the ladies, is that enough for you bitches and your “women’s health issues”?

Nope. And if Jeb! Bush were going to be president, that would be real problem for women. Fortunately, thanks to Jeb’s hereditary foot-in-mouth disease, that’s never going to happen. The ladies won’t allow it.

$
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  • Reddishrabbit

    ¡JEB! The smart one.
    Apparently the rich have a different definition of smart.

    • Tallmutha

      Fitzgerald: “The rich are different from you and me.”
      Hemingway: “Yeah, they’re a idiot.”

    • Antimassacree

      The smart ones clip the correct bond coupons EVERY month.

  • Tallmutha

    “Vote for me, ¡Heb! I’ll reinstate my brother’s policy in the Mideast, make you work longer hours, take away your Medicare, and spend less on women’s healthcare than we give to Egypt in military aid.”

    The ones with natural talent make it look so easy.

    • Beowoof14

      Well that is the republican plan, he just let it slip out.

  • FauxAntocles

    Oh, Kaili, Kaili, Kaili!
    Women only have health issues when they’re pregnant and the only issue is making sure they don’t get an abortion.
    Do I need to mansplain everything to you?

  • AntiDerpomeme

    I read yesterday that the amount ¡Heb! doesn’t want to spend equates to somewhere around $3.15 per woman. Yeah, that does seem high, all that exorbitant spending on keeping lady parts healthy, screening for cancers and diseases, and preventing pregnancy and the like.

  • memzilla

  • docterry6973

    The Dems should force-feed this crap to Jeb! right up to election day.

  • MrBlobfish

    Not only does he look like his mother, he has her charm and intelligence.

  • Dr.Zoidberg

    Once again – Planned Parenthood saved my mother’s life. As a low-income citizen with no insurance her health choices were very limited. Thanks to PP, pre-cancerous tumors in my mother’s uterus were discovered in the nick of time and surgically removed. Without PP, I wouldn’t have my mother, who is my best friend, my rock, my support.

    So fuck every last goddamn bastard that threatens to defund Planned Parenthood. Fuck them all right to hell.

  • memzilla

    How nice of ¡Jeb! to provide campaign slogans for Hillary, for free.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      And they say Trump is the secret Democratic plant!

    • artem1s

      said it before, at this rate all she has to do is ignore the media some moar, spend all the campaign monies fighting voter ID monkeyshines in all the states, and she’ll coast into the general without breaking a sweat.

  • george gonzalez

    Jeb! Let’s do a little math. Very little. Go to the googler and type:

    500000000 / 159000000

    That’s half a billion dollars divided by the number of women in the USA.

    The answer according to you, is that we should not be paying $3.14 per woman per year for naughty-bits care. So you’re saying US women aren’t worth much. How’s that going to get you votes? Think, man, think.

    • Me not sure

      $3.50 or GTFO.

    • Major_Major_Major

      For just pennies a day, you could help a lady get healthcare for a year.

      • nmmagyar

        Will Sarah Mclachlan sing a sad song in the background?

        • bozilingus

          Will there be pictures of hookers and other assorted loose wimmens in the background?

        • r m reddicks

          But, but, but she’s Canuckian! Now I know why. Sad for all the usa wimmins.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Pi dollars for everylady!!

      • FauxAntocles

        Mmmm, pie…

      • pstockholm

        Biblical pi, only 3. Cheaper.

      • Doug Langley

        You know, you’re the 3.14159th person to point that out . . .

      • Antimassacree

        But Jim, that would be irrational.

        –Spock

    • Malaclypse

      as an American with male dangly bits, guess that means I’m worth $4.30 to the shrub’s brother? ($4.30 * .73 = $3.14)

    • OneYieldRegular

      Half a billion dollars falls out of Donald Trump’s handkerchief every morning.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    The Republicans just never quite figure out how to get those pegs hammered in the ground for their Big Tent.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      They have other uses for pegs.

      • FlownOver

        And since they have only hammers every problem is a thumb.

    • OneYieldRegular

      That memo about “Ixnay on the war on womens this time” must have gotten misplaced.

  • DerrickWildcat

    That’s like two dollars a piece or whatever for every one of them. Jeeze, how much money do chicks need?

    • Tallmutha

      If they need health care, can’t they just get all made up, show a little cleavage, and sit at the bar waiting for horny men to buy it for them?

      • AntiDerpomeme

        “Hey baby, I’d like to buy you a pap smear.” I can’t tell you how many times I heard this in my younger bar-hopping days.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Did that line work?

          Asking for a friend.

          • Msgr_Moment

            I always go with the analog-mammogram line.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            Not the digital exam?

        • CalvinianChoice

          Vaginal probe ultrasound anyone?

    • AnOuthouse

      None if they have some chickens.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      And put that kitty back on top of your head where it belongs.

      • DerrickWildcat

        Heh, this icon avatar thing cuts the kitty’s head off. I’ll have to edit it.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Yikes. We don’t want that, this is a liberal website.

    • bobbert

      DW! Good to see you. Where you been?

  • coozledad

    Pregnancy crisis centers? Is that where Jeb’s mama got the Mason jar for her smartest?

  • Lizzietish81

    If only women would just understand that it’s to their benefit not to have any healthcare, because that distracts them from the important job of making babies!

    • Tony Alexander

      and sammiches ;-)

      • Antimassacree

        And bring me a beer!

  • Lizzietish81

    Of course it’s also important to remember that the Bush girls will never need to worry about getting proper health care, birth control or an abortion.

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    Pretty sure the formal spelling is “¡Jeb!”

    Because Español.

    • Tony Alexander

      ¿because why not?

      • r m reddicks

        ¡You beat me to it by just two hours!

    • cmd

      Also too, Heb! (How do you make those upside down punctuations?)

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        If you are a dummy like me, you Google “upside down exclamation point,” then copy and past it in.

        • cmd

          ¡ Heb !
          Thanks.

        • Vienna Woods

          I just copied and pasted your ¡Jeb! to my Quick Note, so I will have it forever. Thanks!

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            ¡Free to a good home!

      • Hemidemisemiquaver

        In the Mac world, go to Special Characters under the Edit menu. The upside down exclamation point is in the Punctuation section.

        • willi0000000

          in windows wonderland it’s called “charmap.exe” and it hides in the “system tools” folder which is inside the “accessories” folder that you can probably get to in the start menu by selecting “all programs” (that was simple).

          if you manage to find it, set the “character set” to “unicode” and anything you copy will usually show up unchanged in the non-existent comments section of your friendly not-so-local Wonkette.

          charmap is where you get parts to build things like ლ(ಠ益ಠ)ლ and ( ͡ ° ͜ʖ ͡°) and the ever-popular ¯_(ツ)_/¯

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Ideally, we would need an upside down 1 to front-end any message ending in !!!!!!!11.111.!!!<1!!,1!!,!1

        • gedjcj

          On my Mac it’s just alt-!

          • Hemidemisemiquaver

            ¡Cool!

        • Amy!

          Or option-1 (option is also marked alt). There’s a mnemonic, because the exclamation point is shift-1.

      • artem1s

        easy way…alt+0161

        • Querolous

          ¡that’s just great¡thanx¡

  • dslindc

    I was certain it was guaranteed he wouldn’t be President before he even announced.

  • sillyclucker

    I guess that’s one way to reduce competition in the workplace. Kill all the wimmins.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      It’s not so much kill them outright, more let them die slowly.

      • sillyclucker

        Depends on what type of cancer doesn’t get caught in time.

    • sosuume

      Keeping ’em barefoot and pregnant works well too.

  • Lizzietish81

    You know who else didn’t think much of women’s healthcare?

    • Jack the Ripper?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Yahweh, purported inventor of menstruation, labor pain, and presumably the obstetric fistula?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      John Holmes?

    • Msgr_Moment

      The other sixteen monkeys struggling for a place on the stage tomorrow?

    • edith prickly

      Jim Bob Duggar?

    • Antimassacree

      Cosby? Although he did provide free pharmaceuticals. Hmmm.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Calvin? (The cartoon character or the theologian or both.)

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Of all the things one might say about “Florida Culture”, the claim that it is a “culture of life” would seem to be one of the harder one’s to support.

    A culture of hypocritical, ostentatious, judgmental bullshit moralizing always directed at other people, that I’ll grant you.

    • Brother Yam

      Said by a governor that signed “Stand Your Ground.”

    • Amy!

      Terri Schiavo LI—

      Okay, never mind, I can’t even finish that without throwing up.

  • William Burns

    As Jeb’s campaign continues, I am reluctantly forced to acknowledge that George W. was the smart brother.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      From what I’ve read, this was obviously true until the drugs killed enough of W’s brain cells to make it more of an open question.

      And of course, whatever their gifts may or may not be, they are both willfully ignorant, lazy thinkers.

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        If you can buy your degrees instead of studying, you might not be getting the full benefit of going to school…

        • handyhippie65

          wha…colleges selling degrees? i thought that is what they do. they sell you the degree, whether you actually learn or not is irrelevant, as long as the check clears.

          • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

            I don’t think the money for a year’s worth of female health care will suffice.

          • handyhippie65

            you can’t eat at mc dougal’s for what they spend.

          • wingr47

            Depends on how much money daddy donates to the school(?).

  • Ryan Denniston

    So when Jeb declares that we don’t need to spend half a billion dollars on “women’s health issues,” you gotta wonder: how much does he think we should spend?

    I dunno, maybe he should consult with his dad and brother on how to campaign. It seems he pulls a stupid every week.

    • sillyclucker

      He is. That’s the problem.

      • Ryan Denniston

        Oh. I don’t remember Dubya being this dum until he was coronated President though. Maybe I just have a bad memory.

        • sillyclucker

          I think he doesn’t want little brother to be Prez.

        • wingr47

          The Shrub has Cheney and Rove to give Him answers.

        • r m reddicks

          Yep. Bad memory.

        • Karen Marie

          Bad memory. I remember the shock and horror that the media kept declaring him the winner of the debates. I felt like I was going insane because reality diverged so sharply from what I was being told happened.

      • smr06va

        The Schiavo case told me everything I needed to know about this other Bush moron……

  • memzilla
    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      They have no shame.

    • Lizzietish81

      Well whatya know? It really was founded by a Nazi

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    On the other hand, Jeb does think his own campaign needs a full (not half) billion dollars from the Koch brothers.

  • Beowoof14

    Now we get to hear this clip until Jeb heads back down to Miami and continues with various scams he uses to make money.

  • sosuume

    Hey Jeb! — Where SHOULD we put half a billion dollars?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      “Into my campaign.” -Jeb

      • sosuume

        Gonna need more ‘n that now.

        • SuspectedDemocrat

          “No problem. We got this.” -Koch brothers

          • nmmagyar

            I thought they were all gay for Scottie lazy-eyes

          • malsperanza

            They’re buying the family-size multi-pac: comes in a set of 6.

    • Rick Hill

      There are a few defense contractors that need to pay out some bonuses, that’d be a start.

      • Reddishrabbit

        Hookers and coke dealers agree with this. Well, maybe just coke dealers, PP is pretty popular with them women folk

    • Ryan Denniston

      The answer is always Israel.

    • Reddishrabbit

      314 Tomhawk cruise missiles.
      Or 1.3 F-35’s.

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Well that will cover his first weekend as President.

    • nmmagyar

      The Office of Faith Based Initiatives, obvs

    • Antimassacree

      Respirators. None shall pass!

  • handyhippie65

    jeb ain’t vurra good at the word jugglin’. he better git him one of them teleprompter do-me-whatsits.

  • Logic of Color

    Let the great stepping-on-of-dicks begin!

    • nmmagyar

      That started a few month ago…

    • r m reddicks

      Can we just stomp on these dicks, ourselves? A nice 90% Brooklyn beatdown (like in the old days)? Or must we use votes?

  • Msgr_Moment

    But will OB/GYNs still be able to practice their love with women??

  • Three Fitty = Knee aspirins for all wimmins!

    • Rick Hill

      This would be bad news for the men who love to go swimmin with bowlegged wimmin….

      • Lord-Nash

        Nekkid bowlegged wimmin…

      • Popeye the Sailor Man!

        • Rick Hill

          He just loves the taste of some Olive oil

    • Me not sure

      The coathangers are free / w purchase.

      • Rick Hill

        of course they’re child safety hangers….

  • beatbort

    Because Jeb will likely have a lot of free time on his hands after Nov. 2016, maybe he and Romney can sit around and look through Mitt’s “folders” of women pinups.

    • mardam422

      Gonna be sooner than that.

  • edith prickly

    Women voters: “Know what else we don’t need, Jeb? Another entitled dumbass named Bush for a president.”

    • Amy!

      The more Bush says about women, the more I think of a simple campaign poster.

      Multiple Bush quotes. Some sort of image (I’m not the graphics person, sorry). And the tag line:

      “Ladies, on [date], wax that Bush!”

      (where [date] is the election day, either the primary or, merciful gods forfend, the general)

  • Msgr_Moment

    This is all going according to plan. Wasn’t it ¡Jeb! who declared that you needed to lose the general to win the primary?

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      If he didn’t, I’m sorta surprised.

    • grumblestiltskin

      Srsly, you may be on to something here. Most Repubs wow the base and then try to center up after taking the nom. Jeb is trying out a new strategery here. Say what you really think, then immediately walk it back–perhaps hoping the base will hear and remember only the original statement, while piling up deniability for the election campaign. No one can accuse you of flip-flopping if you can pee down both legs at once.

  • Lord-Nash

    Just going out on a limb here, but I’m going to guess that Jeb!’s next great speech will be an analysis of what percentage of women will vote liberal just to keep PP open, somewhere between 46 and 48 percent.

    • Hemidemisemiquaver

      “somewhere between 46 and 48 percent”

      Hey! Where’s my Obamaphone?

  • AnOuthouse

    Say, does Jeb know who sponsored Title X from which funding for women’s health care is derived? Oh that would be Congressman George H. W. Bush.

  • Jason M

    Here we go again. Hearing a Bush say some stupid shit is just like finding out there’s another American Pie movie. Every fucking time I think they’re done, NOPE! Here’s another one!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Je! Bush is completely rebooting the franchise. From now on it’s called “American Shit Sandwich.”

  • AnOuthouse

    A thousand points of derp.

  • Kakkeltje

    A premature unelection because of the ladies? Can happen to everyone right?

    • SillyBilly

      haha very clever

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      I have no idea what you’re talking a…oh, shit!

      Nice pistil. Sleepy now.

    • Antimassacree

      Jeb! apparently not concerned with satisfying the ladies.

  • Me not sure

    After 41 left office Barbara “bravely” came forward and said that she had been in favor of a woman’s right to choose all along, but couldn’t say so for political reasons. PROFILE IN SPINELESSNESS.

    • FauxAntocles

      Woman’s gotta know her place!

    • smr06va

      One of the worst FLOTUS’s ever…………….

      • Mehmeisterjr

        And a horrible human being in general.

        • CognizantImpiety

          And a killer! Don’t forget she DUI’d her boyfriend to death by hitting HIS car with HERS.

  • Rick Hill

    I think that, whatever the cause, blunt force head trauma, neurodegenerative disease, alcohol related brain dysfunction, that Jeb! can’t keep it all straight. The dog whistles, the half truths, the things he and his rich cronies know but he’s not supposed to talk about, the jokes they tell after dinner at the club…it all blends together and he hasnt got a tight grip on his line of bee ess.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      This.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    I wish these R’s who dismiss the healthcare needs of women all the success in their lives they deserve. I am now going to go headdesk for an hour or two, thanks to the stress induced by following the Rules for Commenting Radicals. Hope I don’t need medical attention afterwards, since I am a undeserving wimmins.

    • Rick Hill

      As long as you are a serving wimmin the white Jeebus is happy.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Serving women?! It’s a COOKBOOK, sheeple!

        • Antimassacree

          Chianti: yes. Fava beans: not worth the trouble.

  • 24601

    Bang the dumb slowly, Jeb. You’ve a long way to go to your unelection.

  • Pugsandcoffee

    Planned Parenthood is more popular than Jeb! and they do it without the exclamation point! (they use the extra effort it would take to type an exclamation point to provide more ‘bortions)

  • Gorillionaire

    Not so surprising that the “smart” one is so breathtakingly stupid.

    • 24601

      The “smart” one is in a jar in Barbara’s cellar. Unless she sold the parts at the babby parts flea market. Actually, Dubya and Jeb are so witless they probably ate the thing for an after school snack.

  • Doug Langley

    At least Romney was sensible enough not to say “47%” until he was behind closed doors.

    • artem1s

      yea, but ‘binders full of women’, not so much

  • undercover epicurean

    “thanks to Jeb’s hereditary foot-in-mouth disease, that’s never going to happen”

    Careful now, it never stopped his brother.

    • O4FSake

      Twice.

  • Capt.Jim

    Looks like Trump will be the man since these other jack offs cant keep their pie holes closed long enough to let him fuck up for fear that he will out crazy them today and win in a landslide

    • Antimassacree

      Or maybe someone not in the big-boy debate tomorrow, since no one will have a clue as to what they said in Round One.

  • Ergoetal

    “I’m not sure we need a half a billion dollars for women’s health issues….”
    As if this is something he’s thought about for more than six seconds.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Scott Walker is ready to spend a third of billion state dollars on a stadium. Just sayin’.

    • Incoming Ham

      Come on, you make that sound like it’s less important than education. Priorities.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Cut U. Wisconsin funding by the same amount, and voila: a free stadium!

    • MikeyArmstrong

      Paul Ryan is ready to slide filthy rich military contractors a cool hundred billion for shits and gigs.

  • Spotts1701

    Uh-huh. Unlimited money to throw down a rat-hole (whatever Mulsin-y country your handlers tell you we need to bomb), but half a billion for women’s health care is too much.
    I think you can go ahead and start working on the concession speech. Save some time.

  • arglebargle

    I thought it was W that fell down and hit his head. Didn’t seem to affect his decidering positions that much.

  • bozilingus

    So looking forward to the Republican debate, where the candidates will have to answer questions regarding women’s issues, where to start the next war, etc. Wait, what, the debate is on Fox? Never mind…

    • Biff52

      I refuse to let my teevees lock on that channel, too. Hoping for a livebloog here.

  • Hemidemisemiquaver
    • Mehmeisterjr

      Well that certainly sounds clear enough.

    • CognizantImpiety

      Hey Hill! What’s your stand on the Keystone Pipeline? I’m betting that it is absolutely, unequivocally wrong.

  • Spurning Beer

    Caution — Math Warning: $500 million dollars divided by 158 million women in America equals $3.16 apiece.

    • Spurning Beer

      A fairer reckoning: divided by 2,840,000 patients treated equals $176.06 apiece. And that includes not only cooter care, but boob health and probably free contraception.

      • George

        Well, that’s on women. Don’t want sad lady-parts, you should’t have been communionin’ with that serpent back in the garden in the first days.

        BOOM! (mic-droppin’ science right there).

    • COMALite J

      As @disqus_Kn1eq4cRkf:disqus so aptly put it upthread, we can replace those “John 3:16” signs with “JEB! $3.16” ones.

  • marxalot

    Mama don’t ‘low no Planned Parenthood defundin’ round here
    No, Mama don’t ‘low no Planned Parenthood defundin’ round here
    We don’t care what Mama don’t ‘low
    Gonna lose that White House anyhow
    Mama don’t ‘low no Planned Parenthood defundin’ round here

    • bozilingus

      Steely Dan?

      • Whale Chowder

        Austin Lounge Lizards, among others.

      • O4FSake

        J. J. Cale

  • Antimassacree

    “The ladies won’t allow it.”

    Thanks, ladies!

  • Half a billion dollars? What’re we buying, the deluxe tampons?

    • artem1s

      binders, lots and lots of binders…

    • BaddTicker

      My math says that at a half billion dollars, it will take over 180 years to match just the cost of the overruns to the F-35.

      • Grokenstein

        All we still pouring money into the Star Wars Strategic Defense Initiative? That’s billions well spent.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        And the F-35, despite having all that money thrown at it, still is outperformed in specific mission profiles by planes 30 years older.

      • malsperanza

        Let’s have a moment of silence for these 3 military procurement budget lines–all unrequested programs–for which Congress provided funding:

        $1.46 billion for fifteen EA-18G Growler electronic warfare planes
        $1 billion to begin work on an additional San Antonio-class amphibious transport dock ship
        $479 million for four additional F-35 fighter jets (bringing the total number funded to 38)

        Source: http://www.pogo.org/blog/2014/12/year-end-spending-bill-loaded-with-pork-and-boondoggles.html

  • artem1s

    this shitwit has had 16 years to train for running for President. WTF has he and his staff been doing? Why doesn’t he have a slew of non-answers in the can all ready to go for this sort of thing. It’s not like he hasn’t had a stellar example of obfuscation to go to school on. Did they really think they would get thru the primaries without having to talk about Iraq and reproductive healthcare? again WTF?

    • Whale Chowder

      Turns out there’s very little time for debate prep after all the knob gobblin’ required to get comfy in the Koch pocket.

      • CognizantImpiety

        Koch sucking taken to its highest level.

    • this.

    • Biff52

      The stupid worked out well for his brother, so there’s precedent that some rove-like white knight will rescue him, too.

    • malsperanza

      1. Because training is for people who have to work for a living, not for people who inherit their jobs.

      2. He was talking to a crowd of raging fundies and forgot that other audiences might not cheer and stamp. This is what will make tomorrow’s debate so fucking funny.

  • Tami Bennett

    Why? The! exclamation point! after his name! in the middle of a sentence?

    • Antonin Dvorak

      His official campaign logo, based off his unsuccessful ’94 gov run:

      https://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/06/Jeb.jpg

      • vivian

        “Because BUSH is a dirty word.™”

    • timpundit

      He’s trying to downplay the “Bush” part…it polls bad with people who have memories.

    • Grokenstein

      Because! It! looks like a big ol’ pecker! A HYOOOOOGE pecker! Which is his!
      (They wuz gonna turn it upside-down t’ make it more throbbin’ and erectile an’ whatnot, but someone pointed out that upsy-daisy exclamation points are all Messican n’ stuffs.)

    • Biff52

      I prefer it like this: ¡Jeb! ¡Jeb! ¡Jeb!

      • CognizantImpiety

        ¡Ja! Ja! Ja!

  • Redgyal

    I hope you’re right.

  • JohnR

    I do appreciate the fact that Jeb! is telling the truth about what a privileged, entitled, out of touch dick he really is. It will make it easy to campaign against him but he will rally the dick vote.

  • Emily Sieger

    Two words that mean Jeb! will not be President: Terri Schiavo

    • willi0000000

      well . . . not spending on the healthcare of live women seems to fit nicely with spending a huge amount on the ‘healthcare’ of a dead woman.

      [ lets be sure to keep these two items chained together whenever discussing this bush ]

  • lucidamente

    On the other hand, Grandma Rosary Beads is really good at helping those altar boys keep Father O’Malley’s special secret with them.

    • “Father Riley’s a fairy, but that don’t bother Mary.” – FZ

  • Jeamonn

    Jesus, Trump may win the nomination just off sound bites. The rest of these fuckwits keep eatin’ da feet every time they try to answer something. Be like Trump don’t actually answer anything. ” Women’s health? Look, we’ll have the best, most classy women’s health on the planet.” See, Jeb? It isn’t that fucking hard. Trump just figured out that the base he is after is the LCD of the LCD.

  • Barbara Delaney

    Jeb! was willing to spend whatever amount necessary to keep Terry Schiavo in a persistent vegetative state.

    Comas for women, the republican health care plan.

    • Whale Chowder

      Makes “getting consent” a la Cosby a lot easier.

    • Eykis

      Comas for ‘brain dead’ women.

  • Arse Grammatica

    He is really not very good with the talky-mouth thing is he? I remember a couple of recent presidents with similar problems; anyone remember their names?

  • Swampay

    Kaili sounds like she has a mad. Excellent writing

    • Hardly Ideal

      I suspect she’s powered by anger sometimes.

  • Randy Riddle

    Jeb! lost the election when he crawled out from under the rock he’s been hiding under and said he was thinking about running for President.

  • vivian

    So can we replace those “John 3:16” signs with “Jeb! $3.16” signs?

    • Eykis

      FTW!

    • bobbert

      Shut down the thread.

    • COMALite J

      Oh, SNAP!!!

  • Callyson

  • Relativicus

    He will not not be president because of that statement. Anything can happen in a year-plus. He won’t be president because he won’t get the nomination. And the comments are also not the reason he won’t get the nomination. He won’t get the nomination because he backtracked. In the Age of Trumpocalypse, backtracking is the only sin that’s not related to the conservative hatred of Obama.

  • TheBidenator

    I thought the moment Jeb! “El Burro” Bush lost the presidency is when Dubya left office in 2009 leaving such a foul odor no Bush can get near the Presidency again….or at least one that isn’t EXACTLY.THE.SAME. like ‘the smart one’

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “I’m not sure we need a half a billion dollars for women’s health issues.”

    Because that’s about $5 for every adult woman in America… waaaay too much to spend on their health.

    • Eykis

      $3.15/per woman

    • emberglance

      And also the approximate cost of the Iraq war PER DAY.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      It’s also about $300 million LESS than the Koch brothers are spending to buy the presidency. I guess it would be too much to ask that we raise their fucking taxes a few bucks to pay for anything.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Ya can’t win the White House without the lady voters, because math. (Ask your wife, fellas, she’ll explain it to you.)

    Asking the little lady to wifesplain the lady voters could become the new “Hey, honey, make me a sammidge.” And that is not necessarily a good thing.

    Tonstant weaders will recall that, as King of the US, I now have 700 wives and 300 concubines, as the Bible requires. I asked wife #542 to explain the lady voters thing and she replied, “Figure it out for yourself, Einstein.” I was shocked . I didn’t expect that out of wife #542. Wives #3 through #7 maybe but not #542. And I am hearing rumors that they are organizing a labor union. If they affiliate with the Teamsters, I am in deep doo-doo as HW would say.

  • Joshua Norton

    Fortunately, thanks to Jeb’s hereditary foot-in-mouth disease, that’s never going to happen. The ladies won’t allow it.

    Rumors of Jeb(!) being the smarter Bush brother appear to have been nothing more than rumors.

    • MikeyArmstrong

      As one of his constituents, I never saw any evidence that he was smarter than his dumb fuck big brother.

    • COMALite J

      Oh, he is smarter than Dubya. Dubya was a mere patsy puppet of PNAC. John Ellis Bush was an actual signatory member thereof. And we must never forget that.

      Not to mention that without his (and Kathleen Harris’s) shenanigans regarding the voting roll purge in Florida, Dubya would never have been President. How different America and the world would be now!

  • Barbara Delaney

    How can anyone consider any member of this vile family to be suitable to run for any public office? It’s far too soon to forget the statements Barbara Bush made after touring the Astrodome packed with refugees from Katrina,

    “What Im hearing, which is sort of scary, is they all want to stay in Texas,” Barbara Bush said in comments first aired on the public radio program “Marketplace”.

    “Everyone is so overwhelmed by the hospitality. And so many of the people in the arena here, you know, were underprivileged anyway, so this is working very well for them.”

    This godamned tin-eared clueless entitled bitch thought that losing your home, living through a terrifying natural disaster, watching your entire life wiped out in a blink of an eye, was “working very well for them”.

    • Biff52

      I like the right-wingers that say Barack Obama has been such a terrible president that we’ll never see another black president forever. That’s nice. Remembering how terrible the shrub was, they think it’s OK to hire his own idiot brother for the same job…

      • malsperanza

        That’s just their way of letting Ben Carson and Bobby Jindal down gently.

        • rose528

          gently?????????????????

  • Barbara Delaney

    I guess we’re just supposed to forget all about Jeb’s daughter Noelle and her police record? Her mother, Columba, gave a moralizing speech about how parents should be the ones keeping their kids off of drugs. Governor Bush had eliminated a lot of the funding going to treatment and rehab, so wifey was out providing cover.

    Just a couple of months later 24 year old daughter Noelle was calling a Tallahassee Walgreen’s claiming to be “Dr. Noelle Scidmore” and prescribing eleventy billion Xanax for herself. She was led away in handcuffs but needless to say, never did any jail time.

    What do you want to bet that Jeb!, who would be president, has harsh words for drug users and wants to continue the never ending war on drugs? But just like in other wars, the kids of the wealthy and powerful are never among the casualties.

  • malsperanza

    Here’s a nifty gif that will come in handy if Jeb! gets the nom. Be warned: it has sound and is unbelievably irritating.

    https://gifsound.com/?gif=share.gifyoutube.com%2FmPEpQZ.gif&v=dm0Oa3E5eJM

    • rose528

      That’s because they are all brain washed

  • MikeyArmstrong

    But, but, there was a poll yesterday which showed Hillary wasn’t doing too well among southern white women.

  • NoniMausa

    Half a billion dollars sounds like lots till you realize it’s spread across 150 million American female type persons, for a grand total of $3.34 per American female person.

    What a dick.

  • rose528

    $ 82.5 BILLION DOLLARS IS RECEIVED EVERY YEAR BY THE RELIGIOUS GROUPS WHO ARE USING THAT MONEY AGAINST WOMEN AND CHILDREN. That is yours and my tax dollars. They scream about their tax dollars what about ours????

  • russellmeans

    How many lives P.P. saved ? A hell of lot more than Five hundred thousands dollars, or $3.34 per person. How many breast cancers has detected before it was to far along ?? How many reproductive infections have the found before it was to late and the young women could not even have children ?? All these anti-choice people are one trick ponies. The baby is born and they are never seen again. Shameful.

  • Bren

    Coming second didn’t stop big bro Dubya. Of course I don’t know if this also refers to the marital bed, but somehow I doubt it.

    • CognizantImpiety

      If everyone voted with absentee ballots, the election would be MUCH harder to steal.

      Ban all electronic voting machines NOW! Force the states to create a paper trail for your vote!

  • John Hunter

    Does anyone else hear Granny Clampett when they see “Jeb!” (I know it was “Jed!” but it’s close enough sound-wise.)

  • ExRadioGuy15

    First: JEB is an acronym for the man’s real name, John Ellis Bush….
    Second: all Republican politicians, especially the men, hate Planned Parenthood, contraception and abortion. Don’t kid yourselves, people…if the GOP had their way, we’d go back to back-alley coat-hanger abortions and women dying from them. So much for “pro-life”, huh? :( ssmdh
    To quote Ana Kasparian of The Young Turks, “if you have a vagina and vote for Republicans, you are a moron.”

    • CognizantImpiety

      And Ana knows of what she speaks!

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