Don’t eat lunch today, because New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has admitted in a town hall meeting not only to engaging in sexual intercourse with a human woman, but also being a whore who uses slut pills, to keep from knocking his lady-wife up with tiny, yelling Chris Christie baby clone people. More specifically, Christie said he is probably a bad Catholic for doing this, but back in the day, he and the wife didn’t always take their sex tips from the pope — sometimes they used birth control!

“I’m a Catholic but I’ve used birth control, and not just the rhythm method,” the presidential candidate said in the town hall event. […]

“My church has a teaching against birth control. Does that make me an awful Catholic? Because I believe and practiced that function during part of my life? I don’t think so,” he said.

Ew, Chris Christie said “practiced that function,” and he was talking about the olden days when he would put his thing inside a sex hole, ewwwwwww, we told you not to eat lunch today.

Here are Chris Christie’s Birth Control Tips:

1. Well, we’re sure he’s done the rhythm method at least a few times! See, here he is rhythm methoding on television:


Oh, that’s not what “rhythm method” means, in a Catholic way? Never mind.

2. Wrap your Little Christie up, like a Little Debbie snack cake! Like, maybe you could use one of the candy wrappers from the $82,594 worth of snacks Christie eated, on the New Jersey taxpayers’ dime. Be sure to shake all the crumbs out before attempting penetration!

3. Yell at your sex companion, the way Chris Christie always yells at things. They will never let you do sex to them then. Abstinence works!

4. Slut pills, duh.

5. If all else fails, be Chris Christie. Total ladyboner killer.

The end.

[Talking Points Memo]

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