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Don’t eat lunch today, because New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has admitted in a town hall meeting not only to engaging in sexual intercourse with a human woman, but also being a whore who uses slut pills, to keep from knocking his lady-wife up with tiny, yelling Chris Christie baby clone people. More specifically, Christie said he is probably a bad Catholic for doing this, but back in the day, he and the wife didn’t always take their sex tips from the pope — sometimes they used birth control!

“I’m a Catholic but I’ve used birth control, and not just the rhythm method,” the presidential candidate said in the town hall event. […]

“My church has a teaching against birth control. Does that make me an awful Catholic? Because I believe and practiced that function during part of my life? I don’t think so,” he said.

Ew, Chris Christie said “practiced that function,” and he was talking about the olden days when he would put his thing inside a sex hole, ewwwwwww, we told you not to eat lunch today.

Here are Chris Christie’s Birth Control Tips:

1. Well, we’re sure he’s done the rhythm method at least a few times! See, here he is rhythm methoding on television:

christierhythmmethod

Oh, that’s not what “rhythm method” means, in a Catholic way? Never mind.

2. Wrap your Little Christie up, like a Little Debbie snack cake! Like, maybe you could use one of the candy wrappers from the $82,594 worth of snacks Christie eated, on the New Jersey taxpayers’ dime. Be sure to shake all the crumbs out before attempting penetration!

3. Yell at your sex companion, the way Chris Christie always yells at things. They will never let you do sex to them then. Abstinence works!

4. Slut pills, duh.

5. If all else fails, be Chris Christie. Total ladyboner killer.

The end.

[Talking Points Memo]

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  • Pat_Pending

    I’d much rather watch the Evolution of Mom Dancing…

  • Callyson

    Don’t eat lunch today, because New Jersey Gov. Chris Christie has admitted in a town hall meeting not only to engaging in sexual intercourse with a human woman

    This thought…I might just drop those stubborn last five pounds after all. Thanks for the diet support!

    • RoyalUglyDude

      That lady sure is fit. She should punch Chris Chrstie in the face.

    • H0mer0

      that looks kind of uncomfortable, the way the shorts go deep into the crevice.

  • Spotts1701

    There goes the prude vote…

    • eddi

      And the easily nauseated vote.

    • Toomush_Infer

      This is what happens when you misread opinion surveys…

  • Brother Yam

    Missed one:

    6. Punch ’em in the face.

  • Toomush_Infer

    So, that’s what they call chicken-fucking these days? – Birth control?…

  • Lizzietish81

    Let’s not make fat jokes.

    Let’s instead sneer at him for failing to fund Planned Parenthood for six years.

  • kindness

    Or Chris could have taken a cue from his local Catholic Priest and demand his wifey wear an Alterboy outfit and then submit to buttsecks. On second though, Chris never says he didn’t do that so it is clear to all that that is exactly what he did.

  • exinkwretch

    In addition to knocking Christie from the race,his admission of the sin of birth control also caused Rick Santorum to have a fatal stroke. Two down, 14 or so to go!

    • Brother Yam

      w00t! Twofer!

  • FauxAntocles

    Ew.
    And, is that his wife behind him?

  • Lizzietish81
  • PsycWench

    “Chris Christie’s Hot Tips” should only be followed by some kind of recipe.

  • Zippy

    Did he wrap his penis in bacon?

    • elviouslyqueer

    • Villago Delenda Est

      As long as the bacon wasn’t cooked on his metal death penis first, it’s not Rafael Cruz libelz.

    • say wha

      And was the entire “Package” attached to the barrel of an M 16?

    • coozledad

      That’s an invitation to a beheading if there ever was one.

      EDIT: De-heading.

    • guppy06

      Is this what they mean by “porking?”

  • elviouslyqueer

    Because it’s never too early to ask. You know who else was an awful Catholic?

    • Zippy

      Most of the Popes?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The Borgias?

    • HolidayinCambodia

      Martin Luther?

      • Msgr_Moment

        Hah! John Wycliffe and Jan Hus were more original sinners.

        • HolidayinCambodia

          I was thinking of Hus, but although they were earlier, I don’t think they were bigger.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Hus never gets credit for getting the ball on the court, it’s always “Luther this” and “Luther that” then you’ve got those johnny-come-latelys like Calvin horning in on the grift…

      • Zippy

        Phil and Don…

        • Msgr_Moment

          Uncle Albert, is that you?

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      Okay, okay! I’ll go to confession!

    • Lizzietish81

      Henry VIII

      • elviouslyqueer

        DING DING DING DING DING!

    • marxalot

      Me, but in a totally mostly different way.

    • say wha

      Madonna?

      • elviouslyqueer

        Like A Prayer LIBEL!

    • Bobwurst

      Antonin, fat tony, Scalia?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Arius?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Zoot? Bad … bad Zoot!

      • Logic of Color

        Bad naughty Zoot

    • elviouslyqueer

      99% of South Louisianians on Saturday night?

      • marxalot

        The rest are bad Baptists.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          They have sex while standing…which inevitably leads to dancing!

          • Logic of Color

            I thought that was dancing

          • deanbooth

            That’s what they call trickle-down contraception.

      • guppy06

        Anything between the Epiphany and Ash Wednesday = doesn’t count!

    • marxalot

      Rick “Frothy Mix” Popesplaining Santorum?

    • Lizzietish81

      Father Geoghan?

    • Lizzietish81

      Holy Roman Emperor Henry IV

    • Metadude

      Cardinal Fang?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        But he was fanatically devoted to the Pope, among other things…

    • Zippy

      Hitler?

    • PubOption

      Jaime, Cardinal Sin?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Roger the Dodger Mahoney?

    • Vienna Woods

      My husband?

    • guppy06

      Bobby Jindal, James Ewell Brown Bush, and every other Catholic governor who’s signed a death warrant?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Chris Christie should be stoned (with votes, with dope, I’m not choosy) for engaging in sexual intercourse for the express purpose of having fun sexytimes.

    Oh, wait, he’s male, that’s allowed.

    My bad.

    • Yeah, if it was his wife who “practiced that function”, she’ll be the one going to hell, so he’s off the hook.

      • HolidayinCambodia

        Wouldn’t have been an issue if the bitch would just have let him do anal.

        • Paperless Tiger

          Either way he’d have to take her word for it.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            ISWYDT

          • Zippy

            and he didn’t

          • Zippy

            with Christie it’s always going to be an ILS approach

          • Villago Delenda Est

            “Houston, can you give me some telemetry on this? I don’t want to muck up the orbital insertion…”

          • PubOption

            Is that what causes the delays at Newark?

        • guppy06

          They couldn’t find a strap-on that didn’t chafe.

  • Way, WAY too much information.

  • say wha

    Pix, or GTF…oh, wait. Never mind.

  • calliecallie

    I wonder what crazy list of sex tips could be developed for the other candidates? On second thought, no I don’t.

    • Wendel

      I want to learn more about all of the candidates’ extracurricular dalliances, but no one will has yet posed the question. Perhaps on Thursday evening.

  • marxalot

    His personality. Better than BCGs!

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Christus interruptus.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    If Christie were a Democrat, his communion denial notice would already be in the mail. Somehow, I think he has nothing to worry about.

    That is, if he takes Communion at all. He doesn’t seem like the type who, when faced with a plate full of bread, could bear to leave any for anyone else.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The American Conference of Catholic Bishops is very selective in who they criticize, and having an R behind your name is the first step in the selection process…as in removing you from it.

      • guppy06

        It’s something of an indulgence dispensation perk.

  • TheBidenator

    Right now Chris Christy will be on that debate stage near the Donald….we need to invent a drinking game for the inevitable clash of two East Coast dickheads trying to assert dominance over each other. Ideas?

    • marxalot

      Moderator verbally abuses or derides one of the participants: HIGH FIVE.
      Moderator has to yell and/or call for physical intervention in order to be acknowledged: DRINK TOPLESS.

      • Biff52

        So Thursday, then.

    • guppy06

      Either one of them is asked about the state of Atlantic City.

  • Zippy

    Dear Chris, fucking over commuters on the George Washington Bridge doesn’t actually count as sex…

    • LesBontemps

      Also too, fucking state employees out of their pensions doesn’t count, either.

    • guppy06

      But hey, when you’re stuck in traffic and have nothing better to do…

  • coozledad

    I’ve never seen anything in Catholic doctrine about the choad method. Still, he won’t be hung up in traffic in purgatory long before he fries his balls off in hell.

    • Wendel

      Catholic doctrine allows divine exemptions for those who should refrain from procreation.

  • Barbara Delaney

    There was another lady he practiced birth control with at the Four Seasons hotel back when he was a state U.S. Attorney. The two of them billed the state for their adventures in find the salami.

    “Records turned over so far show Christie exceeded the government lodging allowance on 23 of 30 business trips taken between 2004 and 2008. In some cases, his travel vouchers were approved first by Brown, then certified by a third person. Christie, who was Brown’s supervisor, signed off on her travel, either in advance or when she submitted vouchers, the records show. The vouchers were all certified by a third party.

    Christie’s hotel tab exceeded $400 per night on four trips. A night at the Four Seasons in Washington in October 2008 cost taxpayers $475; five nights in London were $401 each for Christie and Brown, the records show.”

    When they returned from their little business/pleasure trips Christie rewarded her with a ‘loan’.

    “Christie made a mortgage loan to Brown five days after they returned from Boston, on Oct. 22, 2007. He failed to report the loan on federal ethics forms and on his 2007 federal income tax returns, omissions he later described as a mistake. Brown has since resigned and joined a private law firm.”

    Michele Brown was evidently willing to do anyone for money.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      You know, The Donald is disgusting, but at least he doesn’t need a California King just for himself.

      • marxalot

        Dunno, he might be just that selfish.

        • Zippy

          his bed is YOOOGE!

        • Villago Delenda Est

          You just KNOW he insists on having his partner sleep in the wet spot.

      • YayConspiracy

        I really miss the Donald. Haven’t heard from him in two days. Has he petered out?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          He’s apparently pacing himself in prep for Thursday’s reenactment of the bombing of Hiroshima.

    • Wendel

      This is worth knowing.

    • guppy06

      The two of them billed the state for their adventures in find the salami.

      Was the salami ever found, or was the state left with nothing to show for it?

      • Barbara Delaney

        Sadly, no. Once again New Jersey was the only thing to get stiffed.

    • BackDoorMan

      “What kind of person do you think I am?!”
      “We’ve established that, now we’re just discussing price.”

  • Relativicus

    Sure, you warned us. BUT THE EAST COAST HAS ALREADY HAD LUNCH, EVAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      And now it’s out and about.

  • Angry_Cop

    Never seen a whale harpoon a human before, really don’t want to even think about it.

    • Zippy

      Call me Ishmael

  • Barbara Delaney

    You have to wonder how much fun sex could possibly be with a man who is so out of shape that this is how he travels?

    “Right before the lineup cards were being exchanged on the field, a noise from above distracted the spectators as the 55-foot long helicopter buzzed over trees in left field, circled the outfield and landed in an adjacent football field. Christie disembarked from the helicopter and got into a black car with tinted windows that drove him about a 100 yards to the baseball field.”

    Seriously, he couldn’t walk the last 100 yards?!

    I guess Mary Pat does all the work while Chris just lays back and thinks of England.

    • Wendel

      Mary Pat seems to be a team player.

    • BackDoorMan

      … “work” being the operative word. It’s a disgusting job but somebody has to do it, as they say.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Somebody revive Lindsay.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Let Mikey do it!

  • Squirrels05

    My lady bits love a man in a baseball uniform, yes indeed.
    Then Chris Christie put one on.

    He ruined it for me!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Pinstripes were slimming on Babe Ruth, but on Chris Christie nothing can help.

    • Cuberly

      Kinda like a Mr Potato Head in a sock ain’t it. (shudder)

  • How can he be sure? He hasn’t seen his dick since …. ever?

    • Ryan Denniston

      Well, I kinda pictured his wife to be a rider.

      • zerosumgame0005

        she must have to use tweezers

      • Michael F Bell

        That’s where “Sit down and shut up” originated, since your asked.

  • OneYieldRegular

    That is not how an IUD works.

  • Joshua Norton

    Chris Christie…you mean Rob Ford without the pleasant cocaine disposition?

    • Christie also looks like he has “more than enough to eat at home,”

  • Squirrels05

    I am sure most Americans can agree we, as a nation, were all better off not knowing about Christie’s ‘rhythm’.

    • zerosumgame0005

      hell, we see it every time he walks away anyway…

  • fawkedifiknow

    This from the guy who damned near murdered a lady (with words) for asking where his kids go to school?

  • jesuswasablack

    You know I’m a man so I know about these things. When your as fat as fattest fat fuck chris christie your little teeny tiny white peen can’t get past your zipper when you take a piss much less penetrate a lady part. The only way fattest fat fuck chris christie could knock anything up would be to save his fattest fat fuck sperms into a turkey baster and then go from there!

    • Beowoof14

      Mrs Christie must have rode him as Ahab rode the great white whale.

      • jesuswasablack

        still wouldn’t work, even with the fat relaxing downward his little teeny tiny peen wouldn’t extend much past his belly button. How do I know this you ask? because anyone that is as big of Dick as fattest fat fuck chris christie has to have the teeny tiniest little peen in New Jersey!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This assumes there’s something there to fap, which seems to be contraindicated by everything else about him.

    • AnOuthouse

      “practiced that function during part of my life?” I think he chose food over sex a long time ago.

      • Wendel

        Sometimes it is indeed better.

      • BackDoorMan

        … so, a win for sex and a loss for food?

  • LesBontemps

    Chris, you don’t have to worry about your use of birth control; there are plenty of other things that make you an awful Catholic. (You can start by reading Pope Frank’s Evangelii Gaudium.)

  • Me not sure

    “I found that the best form of birth control for me as a practicing Catholic was to stop putting the paper bag over Mary Pat’s head during intercourse.”

    • Wendel

      I am having trouble picturing him functioning, but I’ll keep trying.

      • Me not sure

        It involves a hydrolic belly-sling.

        • Wendel

          But, but…

  • YayConspiracy

    …practiced that function… I used to have a happy, if rather uneventful life, but ever since I have heard Chris Christie say ‘practiced that function’ I’ve been given to uncontrollable sobbing.

  • JohnR

    Using the wrappers from Kraft Singles as prophylactics totally prevents pregnancy.

    • jesuswasablack

      yes but will the “cheese like” remnants do to your peen?

      • JohnR

        Makes it the same color as John Boner

  • SK

    This is all nice, but until Bristol weighs in with her abstinence-only technique, I’m not taking any sexing advice from the Pillsbury doughboy whose only accomplishment has been defeating lapband.

    • Michael F Bell

      Defeating Lapband? When did New Jersey invade Finland?

    • guppy06

      Has someone ever explained to her that birth control isn’t what she’s supposed to be abstaining from?

      Maybe she was trying to abstain from wine coolers…

  • Kakkeltje

    That rythm method from number 1 looks like a way more effective method of birth control than the Catholic rythm method.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    Ooh baby, we’re going to practice tonight! I’m going to function all up in you!

  • dslindc

    This is the best diet plan ever! I no longer want to eat anything!

  • WJS

    Chris Christie’s view of himself: Jackhammer
    Reality: Pudding bag

  • BearGHAZI

    nom nom nom

    • Wendel

      Is that a placenta?

      • Suse

        I was going to say manta ray or giant mushroom cap, but placenta could work.

  • DahBoner

    It’s gotta be in the butt, baby…

    https://youtu.be/TBw1yBBLg_s

  • MrBlobfish

    Sorry, Chris. It’s not a buffet to pick and choose. See you in hell, Big Boy.

  • MrBlobfish

    If some enterprising young reporter wants to get yelled at, they should ask him about pre-marital sex and not just with himself.

  • smr06va

    Christie and sex………………NNNNNNOOOOOOOO……………………..

  • Cuberly
  • azeyote

    doesn’t use the rhythm method? – didn’t know the dude had rhythm, didn’t know he could find his dick, or have someplace to put it in, unless maybe a – glory hole

  • Enfant Terrible

    Somebody give that poor man a Snickers bar.

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Gee, he so much more relatable now. wait, maybe that was just gas.

  • Don’t you know that white people don’t have rhythm?

  • Zyxomma

    The only CC fucking I care about is that he diverted funds from building a new rail tunnel between NY and NJ. We really need that tunnel, and the only reason it’s not being built is Chris Crisco. Well, I’m not too fond of punching teachers in the face, either. As for the rest, it’s put me off my food. That’s OK, I’m at present five pounds over my usual weight, which CC can’t even imagine.

    • Maybe “diverting funds from a new rail tunnel” is another of Christie’s birth control techniques.

  • Ivan Cherkasov

    haw-haw! Honestly, i’m so fed up with these conservatives. There is no reason to hate prolife choice. The funniest thing is that many priests are using sites like camsexbabe_com

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