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Greetings and salutations, readers! It’s time once again for the Snake Oil Bulletin, your weekly dose of magical cure-all tonic to detox all the normal shit right out of your system. We have a bulletin bursting with bullshit this week, so let’s dive right into our first story about con artist and human snake Kevin Trudeau.

Jailbird con artist about to lose all his monies, so sad :(

Have you ever had insomnia and/or been unemployed, dear reader? If so then chances are you’ve been awake at 4am to see the comedy stylings of one Kevin Trudeau, professional whistleblower and author, who is constantly (and we mean constantly) blowing the lid off every conspiracy out there. If you existed NEAR a television set between 1998 and 2007, you’ve seen this delightful not-at-all-punchable little ferret face smirking at you from behind the screen, eager to sell you just about anything.

trudeaugrab

The first thing you’ll notice about Kevin’s exhaustive library of book credits is the rather limited title selection: Natural Cures “They” Don’t Want You to Know About, Free Money “They” Don’t Want You to Know About, The Weight Loss Cure “They” Don’t Want You to Know About. Lather Rinse Repeat. Who are “They” exactly, and why don’t “They” want you to know this top secret information? If you don’t know, man, “They’ve” already got you brainwashed!

Well it seems the gravy train finally flew off the rails and ran into a ditch (most likely “They” were at the helm), because Trudeau is on the hook for some unaccounted $37.6 million dollars, and he’s going to have to pay that money back to some 800,000 customers by writing individual checks to every single one of them in increments of $11 each, and then write them all checks for the remainder of the bill once they cash the first round. Wonder if Trudeau’s book has a natural cure for carpal tunnel.

Trudeau has been an infamous fraudster for decades, with a rap sheet longer than what Donald Trump claims is his penis size. The FTC probably has Trudeau’s picture up on its wall with a shiny bronze plaque underneath that reads “Our Most Valued Customer.”

Trudeau distinguished himself in the early ’90s by pretending to be a doctor in order to deposit tens of thousands of dollars in phony checks, and compounded the assholery by stealing Social Security numbers from some of his scam victims and withdrawing hundreds of thousands from their credit cards. After jail time, Trudeau got caught running a pyramid scheme that eventually cost him about $2.8 million in fines and lawsuit settlements, and got him banned from doing business in the state of Michigan. His next scam involved a wave of infomercials and speaking engagements in the late nineties that included such beautifully bullshit cure-alls as magnetic toe rings, memory-boosting “mega memory” supplements, cancer-eliminating calcium pills, sclerosis-curing mattress pads, crocodile protein peptide, and an “electronic chaos eliminator” necklace that protects your brain from microwaves. Jesus, Kev, you’re even muscling in on tinfoil’s market.

The FTC sued him in 1998 for blatant lies he told in the promotion of his Weight Loss Cure book. He settled the suit in 2004 when he agreed to pay a $2 million fine and also agreed to a lifetime ban on selling or promoting products, a ban that an upstanding citizen like Kevin Trudeau no doubt followed to the letter. Well, except for that later conviction that found he violated the ban in its entirety, but details schmetails. Naturally, Trudeau found a loophole to the ban, namely that books are not considered “products” because they are considered vehicles for free speech, and thus cannot technically be banned by the government. That’s when he hit the airwaves in the mid-2000s with book after book flooding the lizard brains of millions of Americans trolling through infomercials late at night after downing the last pint of ice cream in the fridge (not that we’ve been there or anything, ahem).

It was Trudeau’s Weight Loss Cures that placed him on the bestseller list. The book purported to be a compendium of easy-to-follow weight loss tricks to reduce belly fat, when in fact “it actually called for prescription injections of a hormone found only in pregnant women, a month of colon hydrotherapy and a 500-calorie-per-day diet.”

Trudeau also caused a stir by jumping on the enema train hard, and if you’ve ever read this Bulletin, you know we love us some enema woo. (Jesus, how did butt squirt medicine become our signature feature?)

He followed up his earlier success with the release of his also-bestselling Natural Cures book, whose claims number among the following:

Get an electromagnetic chaos eliminator. Do some “bioenergetic synchronization.” Give yourself some enemas, and then give yourself some more enemas. Wear white, for positive energy. Don’t use a microwave or an electric tumble dryer or fluorescent lights or artificial sweeteners; don’t dry-clean your clothes or use swimming pools or eat pork. Don’t use deodorant (causes cancer) or nonstick cookware (causes cancer) or watch the news (stress alters your body’s pH, which can make you get cancer). Remove the metal fillings from your mouth, and you’re all set!

It was Trudeau’s Weight Loss Cures that finally cooked his goose. It was the one that got him that lifetime ban back in 2004. The FTC filed a contempt of court action in 2007 saying that Trudeau violated that original order by selling an updated version of the book, with the same outrageous claims. The 500-calorie-a-day diet wasn’t enough, because Trudeau also told readers to eliminate entire food groups from their diets and stop taking any of their medications. What really stuck in the FTC’s craw was that, in the course of telling readers the diet in Weight Loss Cures and Natural Cures was “free” and easy to follow, word got out that much of the diet was only obtainable on Trudeau’s website and was hidden behind a subscription paywall. So for a “free” diet you could be paying as little as $9.95 a month to as much as $499.00 for a lifetime subscription. The FTC came down hard, and in 2008 ordered he pay $37.6 million for all the people he scammed and issued a lifetime ban from infomercials.

Two years later, Trudeau was arrested for contempt of court after an email blast asked his customers to hound the judge who convicted him until he overturned the charges. Here’s a hint to all aspiring criminals out there: DON’T FUCK WITH YOUR JUDGE. Nobody deserves to get doxxed. If a dickbag lion murderer doesn’t deserve it, your fucking judge sure as hell doesn’t either. This whole string of idiocy eventually landed Trudeau in jail for ten years after he didn’t pay a penny of his $37.6 million fine and even claimed he was penniless despite sitting on several (!) million dollar homes. Now he’s been caught trying to hide money from the feds in Swiss bank accounts like he’s a James Bond villain and/or Mitt Romney.

All in all the feds have only recovered $8 million of Trudeau’s fine, and that’s the amount he’s on the hook to refund his customers as of today. Look, Kevin, we know prison sucks. We’ve seen enough Oz and Orange is the New Black to know that unless you have a raging hot prison wife, there’s not a whole lot to do in jail. So don’t look at this stack of 800,000 checks you have to write by hand as a punishment. Look at it as an opportunity to eliminate the boredom while you’re stuck behind bars. And hey, if you only sign 80,000 of them a year, you’ll be done just in time for when your sentence is up and you’ll no doubt face even more fines for the rest of the money you owe!

Congratulations on all your success, Kevin. You really, really deserve it.

Best Wishes,

“They”

Pastor convinces congregation a live snake is made of chocolate, remains dumbfounded that it’s still made of snake

To get the taste of Kevin Trudeau out of our mouths, let’s wash it down with a heaping helping of delicious snake meat. Excuse me, I mean delicious “chocolate” meat. It’s “chocolate,” I swear. You can trust me. With the “chocolate.”

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Meet self-appointed prophet Penuel Mnguni, a 24-year-old pastor from South Africa who leads the no doubt appropriately named End Times Disciples Ministries church. Mnguni caused a veritable shitstorm this week after he had members of his congregation consume live snakes during a worship service, claiming that his powers as a Man of God(TM) had turned the snakes into chocolate. Posting photos of the spectacle on his Facebook page, he claimed:

“‪#‎Demonstration‬ of God’s Power, Romans 14. Those with small faith eats (sic) only vegetables but the ones with a great faith eats (sic) everything. During service Man of God commanded a snake to change into a chocolate and it obeyed. People ate it and enjoyed it. To God Be The Glory!” noted the message.

Pretty (sic) stuff. Also too, pretty egregious hashtag fail there, #PastorFuckNuts.

The delicious chocolate smorgasbord came to an end, however, when the South African animal-welfare group SPCA got wind of the event and reported it to the police. Mnguni was arrested on charges of animal cruelty and is out on bail awaiting trial. That’d be all fine and dandy, except the local courts neglected to place any restrictions on the bail, and Mnguni celebrated his release by making the congregants at his next service eat rats.

Eating weird shit has kind of become a “thing” in South African churches as of late, as last year a pastor in South Africa ordered his congregation to go out into the field to eat grass and later had them drink gasoline because he’d turned it into delicious pineapple juice. And oh hey, whaddya know, Mnguni happens to be a disciple of the gasoline grass peddler. What are the odds? Mnguni previously made waves in the Christo-sphere when he commanded his congregants to strip down naked so he could stomp on their backs. We’re hardly devout believers here at Yr Wonkette, but isn’t it generally a bad thing when your purported Man of God thinks he can walk on peasants like a Pharaoh?

The pics of the event are pretty gruesome, so pregnant women and people with weak stomachs probably shouldn’t look at them because ew, but your Volpe’s favorite moment comes in this little photo right here, which we have lovingly censored for your casual viewing:

gross censored

Take a look at that old man’s face in the background. That is the face of a man who has seen WAY too much shit today.

awesome old dude face

Can this guy be the new mascot for the Snake Oil Bulletin? Next time we find a story we literally can’t even, we’ll just post the link without comment with South African Danny Glover’s disapproving skeptical glare. We can even hear him in our heads right now: “What the fu– People today. Mmnn nnn nnn.”

Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum

  • Ole Ladykiller Mike Huckabee knows the real reason all you foxy dames joined the military, to get free boob jobs.
  • That poor Oregon baker who’s being hate crimed just because he refuses to serve the fags and dykes and queermos (but he loves them!) is so sick and tired of all these sequined jackboots stomping on his face forever.
  • Good news! The AP US History Exam will be updated to included portions on American Exceptionalism. Coming soon: essay sections defending that Peculiar Southern Institution.
  • Dead Ronald’s lifelong dream to kill old people faster has officially fizzled and died.
  • Hillary Clinton’s new media team is laying down the snark on all these Republicans who aren’t scientists but just happen to have a lot of opinions on science.
  • Wingnuts have a solution to the latest scourge of Devil statues popping up all over: only apply the First Amendment to Christians, because that’s how “law” works.

[Chicago Tribune / Infomercial HellChicago Tribune / ABC 7 Chicago / Chicago Sun Times / Washington Post / Salon / Christian Post]

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  • Msgr_Moment

    Today we are all “they”.

  • Barley_Brains

    “Faith is the denial of evidence so that belief can be preserved.” — Tim Minchin

  • “Jesus, how did butt squirt medicine become our signature feature?” Fare, are you sure you want to quote Santorum?

    • Jaime Oria

      – Jesus, how did butt squirt medicine become our signature feature? –

      You must be new here; Wonkette has always been about the butt.

  • After reading the summary of Trudeau’s work, I am left with one nagging question. How long was he in Wasilla?

  • memzilla

    PALIN / TRUDEAU 2016!!1!!

    Better Grifting For A Better America!

  • jviscont1

    I believe the GOP ACA replacement plan provides for interstate sales of insurance plans covering butt squirt medicine. just bend over.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      And you get it direct from the GOP, no middlemen.
      Single-slayer system.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …Trudeau’s biggest mistake was NOT going into politics

    • Msgr_Moment

      Anything but cartoonery.

  • Belasaurius

    I love South African Danny Glover.

    • HolidayinCambodia

      Shoot. The real one is the reason I never use the bathroom at 30th Street Station.

  • proudgrampa

    There’s one born every minute…

  • FZsdaughter

    Haha I am totally stealing that picture of SADG.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …ironically “Chocolate Snake” was the name of a “movie” I was in during college. The things I did for money back then!

    • Msgr_Moment

      I hear it tastes like chocolate chicken.

      • sw19womble

        I’ll wait for Easter, thanks.

        • Msgr_Moment

          If I hear one more peep out of you….!

      • AngryBlakGuy

        …that’s what she said!!!

        **Rim-Shot**

    • jviscont1

      saw it. the allegoric skin shedding scene where the condom fell off was pure Bergman. 2 thumbs up.

  • Msgr_Moment

    C’mon, Enough is Enough!
    I have had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking mommy warblog!

  • The second part of this article puts me in mind of a song:

    Who can take a snake?
    cover it with prayer
    turn it into choc’late that really isn’t there
    the preacher man can

    the preacher man can
    cause if you have faith
    he makes the world seem magic

    The preacher makes everything he fakes
    mysterious and sort of tragic
    Talk about your hidden wishes
    you could be as dead as the dishes

    • Dee Andee

      That, Sir, was a thing of beauty.

      • Thanks, I hope it gave you a smile.

        • BackDoorMan

          … gave me a smile and an ear-worm… appreciate the first, the second, not so much.

    • Virginia Dreaming for Official Wonkette Lyricist.

    • eddi

      We have a winner for Non-Comment Of The Week.

  • schmannity

    I accidentally got on the enema train at Government Center Station. There was plenty of seating, but I just held the strap.

  • These chocolate snakes sound interesting, but I think I will wait until the food babe endorses them before I try one.

    • Suttree

      So long as they weren’t gmo snakes and you buy them from my website you’re all good.
      -Vani Hari

      • Thanks, now I can try one. Hey wait, awwwkk. . . .

      • riledupone

        And as long as they have no chemicals in them.

  • Biff52

    I’ve eaten snake, and chocolate is about the last thing to come to mind to describe the flavor. In the immortal words of U. Utah Phillips, “It’s good, though!”

    • Jaime Oria

      Similar to ‘gator, I’d think. Pan-seared ‘gator fillets are probably one of the few good things to hail from America’s Wang.

      • nmmagyar

        KEY LIME PIE LIBEL!

      • Suttree

        Louisiana fried gator libel!

        • Zippy

          the cajuns do a pretty good job with gator

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            I’ve tried it. Must taste like rattlesnake, because it was meh.

          • Zippy

            I liked it as sausage- nice and spicy. Granted, you can spice up just about anything, but the rattler sausage I’ve had still didn’t impress me

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Turning snake into sausage is kind of redundant, innit?

          • Blank Ron

            I’d figure, debone it and tie it off every few inches and you’re good to go.

      • Biff52

        Interesting thought. I’m allergic to fish, and I’ve heard that if you’re allergic to fish, avoid ‘gator too. I wonder if snake fits that order, too? I haven’t had snake in a really long time, long before my allergy surfaced, therefore still alive.

      • stevola

        I’ve had alligator sausage (on a stick!) Tastes like sausage.

        • eddi

          Once you hit the meat with onion, garlic and pepper you have no way to tell the species. That is why they invented sausage. And why it is tref.

        • Blank Ron

          Two fer a dollar, and that’s cutting me own throat!

    • Zippy

      snake is pretty uninteresting, all in all

      and no, it doesn’t taste like chicken

      • Biff52

        Breaded and fried, you remember the breading more.

        • Zippy

          the only kind I’ve had is rattlesnake and it was pretty meh…

  • proudgrampa

    They both seem nice…

  • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

    Just goes to strengthen my hypothesis that people will do strange things with or without religion, but religion plus strange ideas about food is more entertaining. (I assume the snakes and rats were dead, but live ones would be great)

    • Mehmeisterjr

      The article specifically states live snakes but leaves the rats’ stage in the journey of life unspecified. It seems to me that live rats might take a bite at you right back. Of course, the same proviso applies to venomous snakes yet another numbnuts religious fanatic in Kentucky died the other day on accounta snake handlin’:

      http://www.kentucky.com/2015/07/28/3963159/man-dies-from-snake-bite-at-church.html

      • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

        Oh dear, well if the rats were not sedated it serves them right. I’m assuming one of the smaller rat species, ’cause a full grown Norway Rat (Rattus norvegicus) would be well nigh impossible to swallow for most non- porn star type people.

      • dshwa

        You know, you’d think the continual stream of death by snake bite would convince these people that maybe God just isn’t down with them playing with their reptiles.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          You’d think the continual stream of death by snake bite would eventually invoke Darwin’s laws.

        • eddi

          Their faith was weak. Don’t you know anything?

      • Blank Ron

        I have kept a few rats who have the unsettling but amusing habit of sticking their heads in my mouth, given the opportunity to do so. I’m fairly certain though that it has to do with trying to see if there’s anything left of what I was just eating, rather than some weird-ass religious thing.

  • Suse
    • proudgrampa

      Now we understand how that preacher got confused…

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      It would be cooler if it’s eyes blinked

    • riledupone

      I love that the snake looks like it’s grinnin’.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I wonder how long it took them to figure out that they needed to make the eyes really, really obvious.

  • dslindc

    Trudeau’s Informercials were boring as hell. Not enough cooking or being shouted at by a British person. I’m amazed anyone bought anything.

  • FlownOver

    writing individual checks to every single one of them in increments of $11 each

    …and SEVENTEEN CENTS!

    • nmmagyar

      One of the greatest movies ever made. FUCK YOU CITIZEN KANE!!!!!!

    • Biff52

      Dang me!

  • Antimassacree

    The requirement that Trudeau write the checks by hand was a nice touch by the judge. I might have added that he had to use some version of Dolores Umbridge’s Black Quill.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    You know, a decent sleight of hand artist could probably get the petrol to pineapple juice thing to work as a switcheroo and really wow the rubes.

    But since he had no trouble getting people to go out and eat grass and then keep coming to his church, it wasn’t even necessary. Either these people have reached the “I will believe anything he says over even my own senses” stage of the religious experience, or there’s a serious “Emperor’s New Clothes” factor in operation here, or most likely, some of both.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      “I will believe anything he says over even my own senses” is pretty much the first stage of the religious experience.
      The evil genius lies in convincing people that whatever idiocy you’re peddling (“I need a Gulfstream G650”) is somehow authorized by the Bible.

  • Treg Brown

    “Don’t use deodorant”.

    Bastard should be in jail for this statement alone. Can’t tell you the number of people I take classes with who refuse to wear deodorant as they believe it causes cancer, alzheimer’s, and lymph node infections. And this is a SCIENCE class… Fucking hippies.

    • Biff52

      Prolly still better than patchouli, anyway.

      • eddi

        Patchouli is great for hiding the stink of ganja. Or at least that was what one of my sisters thought.

        • Biff52

          The shit’s vile. But no matter how nasty it is, the fucking hipsters have come up with worse smelling stuff, if you can even believe it!

    • What about those ‘Deodorant Stones’ that were big a few years ago?

      Maybe they really really work, but sounds suspiciously hippy-like to me.

      • eddi

        They are alum crystals that dry the skin like a normal antiperspirant. They lack scent so their pits still stink if they don’t bathe. Also need reapplication more often.

        • Alum?!? Wouldn’t that shrink your arms to a cartoonishly tiny size, like in the Bugs Bunny?

          • Treg Brown

            T-Rex Libelz!!1!

  • Zippy

    Speaking of dickbag lion murderers, looks like Palmer has company…

    http://www.cnn.com/2015/08/01/world/cecil-the-lion-brother-jericho-illegally-killed/index.html

  • I would not recommend Googling ‘Chocolate Snake’ at work.

    • bozilingus

      How about Crunchy Frog?

      • Blank Ron

        I always preferred the Spring Surprise.

  • Bitter Scribe

    (Jesus, how did butt squirt medicine become our signature feature?)

    Some are called to greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them.

    • Kitsapian

      Sometimes truth is stranger than scams. Consider the Clostridium difficile infection (CDI), in which a bacterium normally present in our gut becomes dominant there–often because antibiotics have killed off the other species of bacteria there that normally keep it in check. The best treatment is not the application of more antibiotics but a procedure cheerfully known as a “fecal transplant,” which is indeed butt squirt medicine. Thrusting that greatness upon the the CDI patient can restore nature’s balance in his or her teeming colon and cure the condition.
      There is another route of delivery, but most people do not want to think about it.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        It’s an effective therapy, but scientists and doctors are finding it to be a hard sell.
        They need someone with a talent for selling shit to people.
        (Rubs chin, goes “hmmmm.”)

        • Kitsapian

          Easy-peasy: just get hold of the Koch brothers’ rolodexes.

        • Biff52

          This is a first for me, seeing alt.txt in a hot link in someone’s comment. Well done!

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Piece of cake:
            ≺a href=”LINK” title=”TITLE”≻

    • natoslug

      Thanks, but when everyone gathers to have greatness thrust up in them, I plan on being absent.

    • I love you.

    • riledupone

      Or throat-crammed.

  • Mehmeisterjr
    • nmmagyar

      Pony Play is NOT bizarre

      • Mehmeisterjr

        It is when it is accompanied by his silly sermonizing or, as some call it, his giddy yap.

        • Blank Ron

          Did we really need to be saddled with that pun?

    • I found out more about Penuel after I submitted my original draft for editing. I’ll probably include a mini-update on him next week. Spoiler: He has weird thoughts about The Gays!

      • riledupone

        As long as he doesn’t try to feed us to his parishioners.

  • clubseal

    Fuckin’ Kevin Trudeau. Every time he came on during my late night viewing, I was like, “I could be watching someone cut through a boot with a Ronco knife, but instead I’m stuck with this asshole.”

    • tinker12

      Cut through a boot and then a tomato!

      • mailman27

        Ron Popeil’s beloved uncle!

      • Doug Langley

        Bleah. I prefer my boots served with lemon.

        • Amy!

          Lemon Party!

        • tinker12

          Purist.

        • How Mediterranean.

  • Callyson

    crocodile protein peptide

    I don’t even want to know WTF…

    /FFS

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      “Made from the ejaculate of freshly whacked off crocodiles!”
      – K. Trudeau

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        At least there’s a legit reason for it being expensive. (Or would be, if the stuff wasn’t actually floor sweepings from the cornstarch factory.)

      • Biff52

        Whenever I thought about how much my job sucked, I could always look down on the poor crocodile fluffers.

  • Callyson

    The book purported to be a compendium of
    easy-to-follow weight loss tricks to reduce belly fat, when in fact “it
    actually called for prescription injections of a hormone found only in
    pregnant women, a month of colon hydrotherapy and a 500-calorie-per-day
    diet.”

    Jesus, if I ever encounter a client who has read this quack’s crap I will have my work cut out for me…

  • Callyson

    Don’t…watch the news (information disproves everything I am claiming and you will stop wasting your money on the crap I peddle stress alters your body’s pH, which can make you get cancer).

    /FFS

    • BackDoorMan

      … exactly what I was thinking when I read that, but you said it so well, I’m no longer feeling guilty for being so behind in my reading of the Beloved Wonkette. Hoping to catch up soon… and maybe get a snark or two in before they’re already taken…

      • Callyson

        Welcome back!

        If nothing else, you’ll want to catch Liefest 2016, aka the liveblog of the first freak show GOP presidential candidate debate. Let the fireworks begin!

        • BackDoorMan

          … Oh oh oh! I can hardly wait… I’ve just stocked up on my favourite German pils and a fair quantity of herbal snacks (always gluten free!), so I will be eagerly awaiting the GOP Circus, with the Trumpmaster General taking centre ring to direct the evening’s “phantasmagorical delights!”… you just know the elephants are going to shit everywhere.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I thumbed through one of his books once and couldn’t make head or tail of what he was getting at. It seemed to be designed for people who fall for urban legends, lack any critical faculty and have short attention spans

    • dshwa

      So your average American then.

      • Thaumaturgist

        Let’s not throw stones, Wonketeers.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          Not precisely throwing stones if it happens to be true. More like pointing out the obvious

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Average Sarah Palin devotee, at any rate.

  • tinker12

    I am loathe to admit that I once bought one of Kevin Trudeau’s books, but quickly realized it was completely useless because all of the “advice” in the book referred you to his website, whereupon you were most likely pitched something else upon which to waste your money. Fk that guy.

  • JohnR

    My brother in law is a mini Trudeau, though less competent, he gets out of prison in Feb. 2016 I think.

    • The key to Trudeauing is go hard or go home. You either have to be a completely immoral self-worshiping, shamelessly self-promoting evil genius, or the scam won’t work. There’s no half-assing with a scam like this.

  • I used to like reading his “Doonesbury” comic strip back when there were newspapers.

    • riledupone

      He was a pretty decent Canuck Prime Minister, too, also.

      • sw19womble

        His son is turning out to be a bit of a dweeb tho.

        • Biff52

          I’m still “Team Margaret”, myself. Rawr!

  • D_C_Wilson

    The amazing thing about Trudeau is, despite a history of fraud that spans three decades, there are still people lining up to defend him.

    • I left it out of my coverage because it was too long already and I’m a bad writer, but there was actually an outburst at Trudeau’s trial by a former US Congressman who eventually had to be ejected from the court. Dude was swearing up and down that Trudeau was the real deal, and he would know because he represented a district in East Bumfuck, Texas, for a few years.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Fuckin’ Texas pols. All hat and no brains.

  • D_C_Wilson

    Pastor convinces congregation a live snake is made of chocolate, remains dumbfounded that it’s still made of snake

    And how is that different from claiming that a cracker turns into human flesh?

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      One is actually quite glad when it doesn’t really do that?

      • D_C_Wilson

        I know I would be.

      • Biff52

        That reminds me, I missed “Hannibal” last night.

  • Ilgattomorte

    That’s it. I’ve had it! The Christians have gone too far this time. They have interfered in women’s health, have stood opposed to gay marriage, but now they attempt to destroy a true, old-time, American profession – Circus Geek!

    How dare they, so cavalierly, eat live snakes. They are amateurs. Snake swallowing is part of a long geek family tradition. It is a craft that has been passed from geek to geek and from generation to generation. Not unlike a sushi master, a young circus geek must undergo years of training before he is permitted to swallow worms, much less snakes. Even then, it is many more years before he can hammer nails into his nose or run a saw blade over his eyes. These preachers make mockery of what is a great American craft and one of our fine old family businesses.

    As consumers, it is up to us to stand up to these scab preachers and say “I want my snake swallowing from a real geek, not some fake geek in religious clothing”. So, support your local family geek. You’ll feel better for it.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      I believe the traditional solution is to invent an official Society (American Society of Professional Geeks), invent some professional standards and a licensing scheme, and unionize all your members.

      • Biff52

        Preznit Walker won’t like that.

        *oukes* at the thought of Preznit Walker…

  • Ilgattomorte

    On the serious side. This column has become one of my favorites and La Volpe is doing a great job. You guys might want to consider a more regular “Skeptic’s corner” piece. As I said before, he does a great job and it would be a nice break from all of the Cosby rape, Trump antics and general racism that’s in the news all of the time.

    Just my 2 cents.

  • Joshua Norton

    Jesus, how did butt squirt medicine become our signature feature?

    Because everybody loves Butt Drugs!! Free parking in the rear!

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ivHsQUTotag

    • Enfant Terrible

      Now, how can you say no to free parking in the rear?

    • riledupone

      That was so much fun I subscribed to the channel.

    • eddi

      I just missed the Enema For Everything generation. Although there was this one aunt who suggested it every time we visited her. I developed a sphincer of iron just thinking about it.

      • Biff52

        I had an aunt who loved to carve suppositories out of Ivory Soap, presumably because 99 44/100% pure, and ram them up someone’s butt. I always escaped, but girl cousins weren’t so lucky. Wish I could still run like that.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Maybe there was more to Ivory’s selection of Marilyn Chambers than we realized.

          • Biff52

            Though she specialized in a different orifice.

  • ButchWagstaff

    Speaking of scams and religious lunacy, I have been reading this: http://www.amazon.com/The-Expositors-Study-Bible-Giant/dp/097695303X

    A religious relative sent it to me for Christmas as a “gift” years ago, probably thinking that it would probably cure my chronic case of the Gay. Never opened the thing until recently and hoo boy, there’s some crazy shit in it (the “notes” that helpfully explain what the verses mean are actually longer than most of the verses because, well, it’s Swaggart). I’ve made it to Leviticus so far. Apparently, the laws concerning what one shouldn’t eat no longer mattered after Jesus came and died for everyone’s sins. I shit you not…one of the “notes” basically says that.

    I wanted to make it to the Psalms, at least. But I don’t think I can do it.
    I honestly don’t know what to do with this massive thing. I wouldn’t want to inflict it on some poor thrift store employee who has to process donations. Any suggestions?

    • nightmoth

      Butch–look at the prices on the goddamned thing! And I do mean GD–Criminy, who needs Swaggart “explaining” to them?
      Sell it on Amazon, or trade it to them for a gift card.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        ^^This. ^^ Sell it, and displace a sale that might have provided income to the Swaggart enterprise.

        So Jeebus died to make bacon cheeseburgers OK to eat?
        I imagine that the list of O.T. rules that Jeebus rescinded excludes – for no apparent reason – the ones (like Gay-hating) that the Xtards have decided to keep.

    • sw19womble
  • ButchWagstaff

    If Kevin Trudeau was serious about making a lot of money the legal way while scamming people at the same time, he should have started his own ministry.

  • Me not sure

    You might get shot dead after lifting a few cigarillos from a “stop and rob”, but this guy scams on and
    on.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    I wish I had the moral flexibility to become a scam artist like this. It looks like an easy way to make a ton of money.

  • azeyote

    hey man you gotta be fu#kin hungry for snake to taste like chocolate. – or way to stoned to see chocolate wiggle like a snake –

  • Vicious Babushka

    If you can’t lose weight on a 500-calorie/day diet, you should just stop eating. But you will probably die fat.

  • Barbara Delaney

    Just the name Kevin Trudeau makes me nostalgic for the Salty Droid’s blog. I loved that little robot and miss his dedication and humor fighting scammers. Those were the days….

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