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Mike Huckabee took some time out from smuggling the Jews off Barack Obama’s Iranian Auschwitz train this week to make some more weird comments about boobies. He’s worried that if transgenders get to be in the military and go into battle for our fine nation, then the ladies in the military will be like “UNFAIR, I want a boob job, where’s my boob job?” Because that is a thing all women do, when confronted with the reality of the transgender experience. Here are Huckabee’s mouth words:

It’s naive to think that [transgenders in the military] doesn’t affect morale. Men are men. Women are women. There’s a distinction. There’s a difference. … The military is not a place where we try out experiments. The military is designed to kill people and break things.

Wait, and also win hearts and minds and sometimes take disaster aid to the poors, also, too, right? Sorry, we got distracted. Go on, say a real weird thing, you gross fucker:

Taxpayers are not responsible for paying for sex change operations. Let’s just look at it logically. If the taxpayers are going to be on the hook to say, okay we’re gonna give this person surgery to change his or her gender — and first of all, just to say “I feel differently,” that’s absurd that we would just let people identify — but if they wanna go through a gender reassignment surgically, that’s not a taxpayer responsibility! We don’t do breast enhancements, which would be a part of that. Well if we’re gonna do it for somebody who says they’re transgender, well would we not do it for a female who said, “I’d feel better about myself if I was a 38D rather than a 34A?”

Actually no, you feculent gopher pube, because gender reassignment surgery, when transgender people decide to have it (not all do!), is considered, BY DOCTORS, who know more than Mike Huckabee does about medical science, to be medical treatment. This is really fucking simple, but Huckabee doesn’t understand that. The only simple thing he understands is that Jesus forgave his son for killing that dog, just like he forgave Josh Duggar for fingerbanging his family.

But also, we really do not want to hear any more mouthy talk from Huckabee on transgender people, inside or outside of the military, because he has already told us that when he thinks of transgenders, he thinks how cool it would have been to tuck his Huckapenis between his legs and pretend to be a lady so he could have showered with the girls after gym class.

In short, nobody wants Huckabee near their lady sex boobies, transgender or not, so fuck right off.

[Right Wing Watch via Blue Nation Review]

 

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  • thirdeblue

    We can’t let transgender people into the military because then our women soldiers will want boob jobs on the cheap.

    That’s just logic folks.

    • MrBlobfish

      Someone had to say it.

    • Biff52

      Probably still cheaper than college on the GI Bill, though!

  • Spotts1701

    Oooh, transphobia and misogyny. Ol’ Huck managed to hit a Daily Double.

  • ArgieBargie

    “The military is not a place where we try out experiments.”

    Cause you know who else tried experiments in the military?

    • Spotts1701

      Harry S. Truman?

    • NeOphelia

      Colonel Graff?

    • dslindc

      Everyone involved in the Manhattan Project, i.e. the Military?

    • Callyson
      • Marc

        Sherman and Peabody? I didn’t know Sherman was a general. And out ranked by a dog.

        • nothingisamiss

          A SMART dog.

          I’ve got no problem with this.

      • Mhael

        [DISCLAIMER: SOUTHERN GUY HERE]
        That wasn’t an experiment… it was a LESSON.
        (Sadly, though, it was taught to Southerners, and thus needs remedial attention BOOOOOOOM!! :D)

    • OrdinaryJoe

      Col. Sanders? Opps wrong army.

      • Callyson

        Well, the last time I ate there that shit was rank, so I’m pretty sure KFC has killed some people off.

        • OrdinaryJoe

          An old friend from Tennessee likes to say the Southern diet and cooking have killed more Southern men than General Grant.

          • Amy!

            Note that he doesn’t mention Sherman.

    • LesBontemps

      Douglas MacArthur?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Cyberdyne Systems, makers of Skynet™ and other helpful but genocidal products?

    • memzilla

      Yoyodyne Industries?

      • LesBontemps

        Is that you, John Bigboote?

        • Whale Chowder

          “Big-boo-TAY! TAY!”

        • HogeyeGrex

          Stanley Koteks?

    • All the members of Dumbledore’s Army?

    • JMP

      Weapon X, and the rest of the Weapon Plus Program, currently Weapons I – XVI?

    • MrBlobfish

      Wright-Patterson Air Force Base

    • arglebargle

      Bill “I’ve got a special tool for you” Murray?

  • JoeChristmas

    Watch out for those boobytraps Huckster.

  • NeOphelia

    What is it with GOP presidential candidates and boobies? First Trump freaks out at the idea of a breastfeeding professional, and now Huckabee? I think they’re taking boobies way too personally.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Perhaps they’re just tired of the inevitable comparisons.

    • Whale Chowder

      As a standup comedienne once said, “you can always tell the bottle-fed ones.”

  • leemoder

    The man who constantly speaks to his Invisible Friend is gonna talk logically?

    Go to bed, Fuckaducklebee.

    • eddi

      It’s not the talking that bothers me so much as he claims to be hearing answers. We got pills for that these days.

  • JustPixelz

    Isn’t there some kind of therapy available for people like Huckabee and others who have been recruited into the Republican lifestyle? So they could be repaired and rejoin the wider community.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Why, exactly, do you think Obama started FEMA camps?

    • arglebargle

      You can pray the gay away. The stupid, not so much.

    • BattyKitch

      Scientology?

  • Callyson

    The military is not a place where we try out experiments.

    That will be news to the aerospace and defense industry, asshole…

    • Hardly Ideal

      As S.G. Collins said about the Space Race, the people building rockets wanted to go to outer space, and the people paying for it wanted better bombs.

  • JoeChristmas

    Instead of stapling his stomach, they should have stapled his mouth.

    • leemoder

      …And his hinder.

  • dslindc

    Who taught Mike about human sexuality? Anyone? Bueller?

    • JohnBull

      The Duggars?

    • Logic of Color

      Right? Like any good Christian he probably “figured it out”

      • arglebargle

        Josh was a good christian who fingered it out.

    • Whale Chowder

      Penthouse?

      • eddi

        Lower down the food chain. Damn, I’m blanking on all the names. Chic, Cavalier, those sorts.

        • Amy!

          Hustler.

          Their then-shocking “morphodite” (I grew up in East Tennessee; that was what the teenaged boys were saying as they passed the issue around Junior High) centerfold should have been published when he was a hormonal youngster (around twenty, maybe?).

  • Callyson
    • BloviateMe

      How the fuckabee have I never seen that?

      Awesome.

    • Logic of Color

      Apis mellifera everywhere tremble with fear

  • BloviateMe

    All bullshit aside, if someone signs up to put their ass on the line, I’m not against springing for a boob job.

  • Reddishrabbit

    I’m pretty sure if there is a medical reason, yes, the government would pay for breast enhancement. Just like they pay for eye surgery for pilots, or STD’S treatment for STD’S.
    Don’t knew wht Huck made me think of STD’s…

    Edited: apparently too many WWII posters come to my mind when I think of the military and medicine. But they are some very well done posters.

    • Objectifer

      Dude, the prefered nomanclature is STDs.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Officers get urinary tract infections
        NCOs get venereal diseases.
        Troops get the clap.

  • YayConspiracy

    He is like a five year-old: always looking for ways to giggle in a boob, a wiener or a heiny in the conversation.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Just in time. Happy Friday, every bunny!

    • MrBlobfish

      Hi Bunny!

    • glasspusher

      In case you’re asking, I had a tuna fish sandwich for lunch.

  • One more thing Huckleberry doesn’t appear to understand: how bra sizing works. I’m not aware of any surgery that would take a 34″ rib cage circumference and make it 38″.

    • goonemeritus

      You need to go to Latvia for that.

    • nmmagyar

      I increased my mom’s from 34 to 36 in utero. With my feet.

      • Spotts1701

        Wanted to be a soccer player, then?

        • nmmagyar

          It was the last exercise I got.

    • eddi

      He has never seen a breast I’m thinking. Lights out, missionary only, five minutes a month.

    • riledupone

      They take all the ribs they took out of supermodels to make them thinner, and they ADD those ribs to the soldiers who want boob jobs. Balance!

  • baconzgood

    This remindes Baconz about that time in MASH when Klinger got the sex change from Alan Alda to get out of the army. Then because they wouldn’t let him, out B.J. and Hawkeye had to drug Charles’ soup to get Jamie Farr into the E.R. to make him a man again.

    Do you want the US army to be like it was in Korea?

    • LesBontemps

      Less Alana Alda and Wayne Rogers, more Elliott Gould and Donald Sutherland.

      • SnarkTank

        But more Loretta Swit rather than Sally Kellerman.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          I assume we’re going to just stick with Gary Burghoff regardless?

    • HogeyeGrex
  • Angry_Cop

    Hate to tell ol Huck this, he’d probably have a stroke, but it’s REAL easy to get breast enhancement in the military. Just volunteer for it. Their doctors do them all the time, it’s great training.

    And let me point out the problem – it’s training. You’re not dealing with Beverly Hills’ best tit doctors here, you’re putting your mammaries into the hands of a surgeon who’s training to rebuild people’s bodies after serious injuries. Results, put nicely, may vary.

    • goonemeritus

      Every woman who put their mammaries in my hands accepted that
      training was part of the deal.

  • goonemeritus

    I beginning to think that most of these Republican candidates
    are paid to make us nostalgic for the golden age when “W” was President.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      I think Huck is actually grateful that Trump has upped the stupidity ante in the campaign.

      As a former preacher, when saying ignorant, bigoted nonsense, he’s back in his element. Having to pretend to know stuff was really a strain.

  • elviouslyqueer

    “I’d feel better about myself if I was a 38D rather than a 34A?”

    Boobs go up, boobs go down. You can’t explain it.

    • Mintie

      Should be 34D and 38A, actually.

      • Gil

        WD40 removes rust. That’s all I know.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        Why would implants change the band size? And especially make it go down?

        According to a quick check online, it’s possible for it to change due to the fact that bra fitting is an art and not a science, but really, the implants themselves should have no direct effect on band size.

        • SnarkOff

          As a woman with breasts, I can report that only a pretty serious weight gain could make one’s band size go from 34 to 38. What Mr. Huckabee was no doubt trying to say is, “I’d feel better about myself if I were a 34DD instead of a 34A.” (Also, 34A libel!!!)

        • Mintie

          You wouldn’t go from a smaller band size and smaller breasts to a larger band size and larger breasts. Plastic surgery doesn’t affect the band size (the number), which is reflective of your rib cage (the letter is the “measurement” of the actual boob). Ergo, using the numbers/letters given, I was running under the tacit assumption that the hypothetical woman lost weight, dropping her band size by two measurements, so treated herself to a boob job.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Warning: The Surgeon General has determined this man’s stupid talk causes brain death.

  • Belasaurius

    and I thought I spent a lot of time thinking about boobs

  • Mhael

    YAY! Evan got my note or tag or Tweet or whatever!
    (Or, more likely, this was already on his radar, because he is ALSO pretty and rad and awesome at journalmalisming!)

  • JMP

    “Men are men. Women are women.”

    In those days spirits were brave, the stakes were high, men were real men, women were real women and small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri were real small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri.

    Girls will be boys and boys will be girls
    It’s a mixed up muddled up shook up world except for Lola
    Lo-lo-lo-lo Lola

    • eddi

      Men were men and sheep were nervous.

  • JustPixelz

    “The military is designed to kill people and break things.”

    According to the internet, that’s Obama’s job.

    That’s why we’re here because we’re saying let’s repeal this failure [Obamacare] before it literally kills women, kills children, kills senior citizens. Let’s not do that.

    –Michele Bachmann

    Obama can continue to destroy from the golf course. You can see to it that Obamacare continues to destroy the greatest health care system in the world. You can do all that from the golf course.

    –Rush Limbaugh

    Millions of Americans are wondering: How exactly does Barack Obama get away with dismantling and destroying the greatest nation on earth, committing outrage after outrage, day after day and year after year?

    –WND

  • Takes one (or two) to know one (or two) Huck.

  • Mintie

    “The military is not a place where we try out experiments.”

    Mikey must not have high enough security clearance to get all the cool memos about what they do to military personnel for funsies.

    • nmmagyar

      No shit. Even social experiments are a big fucking deal in the US Military.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Military experiments? We’re using the results of a military experiment right now.

      • Mintie

        Ssh! Don’t tell Mike! I need to finish work and want to do it without his brains all over my keyboard.

  • Bill Slider

    I though transgender people, only the one’s that transgender to female though, grew their own boobies. The women that transgender to men, well they grow their own too. They get to pick the size they want on the transgender machine. The options are: is A) random, B) average, C) muy grande porfavor, D) donkey dick, and D) I want to be able to throw it over my shoulder and burp it.

    • eddi

      ????

    • Amy!

      Estrogen grows tits, yup. This turns out to be an issue for guys who are facing prostate surgery, when the doctors want to delay surgical intervention and prescribe instead. Sometimes embarrassing for them, I understand.

  • Seriously, I just cannot understand how one person can be so accomplished and so damn ignorant at the same time. He was a governor, he wrote sermons, there has to be some intelligence in there somewhere, but everything coming out his mouth just gets less and less intelligent.

    • elviouslyqueer

      His mouth isn’t where he’s talking from.

      • proudgrampa

        Elvious, I think I’m in love with you!

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Native intelligence is no defense against willful ignorance.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      To be fair he was a catastrophically lousy, dishonest and vindictive governor and the general writing level required to slap together a sermon requires less brain power than the construction of a groaner pun. Imagine having to sit in a pew and listen to this knucklehead discharge his disjointed thoughts through his gaping pie hole. Brrrrr.

  • HolidayinCambodia

    If I joined the military, would they pay for my penis enlargement?

    Hypothetically speaking, of course.

    • Biff52

      No, but they will issue you guns, and that’s pretty much the same thing.

      • eddi

        If you really have issues, try Artillery.

        • Amy!

          Billy the ButcherWilliam Westmoreland LIBEL!

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Napoleon was a cannon-cocker.

          Just sayin’.

          • eddi

            Just look at the major babe he went stepping out on. Dude did not know a good thing.

  • beavertank

    Yeah! We don’t experiment with our military! Only DARPA can do that!

    …waitaminute.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    The military is not a place where we try out experiments. The military is designed to kill people and break things.

    You can tell this fuckwad never spent so much as a nanosecond in uniform.

  • Matthew Hawkins

    Maybe I am just a softie, but I say free boobies for everyone.

    • toomanyrappers

      Sounds like a squishy policy.

    • MrBlobfish

      “You’re disgusting”
      Donald J. Trump

    • Beaumarchais?

      Free the boobies!

  • FauxAntocles

    The military is designed to kill people and break things.
    Uh, I thought this guy was pro-life…

    • eddi

      Only until they are born.

  • toomanyrappers

    I want hot cinnamon boobies.

  • DoILookAmused2u ?

    The military never changes policy, and that’s why there were no Tuskegee Airmen cuz all the Huckabees knew the blacks can’t fly planes.

  • Michael Smith

    Well looks like he and Trump have some common ground in the enthusiasm-for-breasts arena anyway.

    • DoILookAmused2u ?

      Trump strikes me as an ass man.

      • nmmagyar

        Missing a comma near the end there

        • DoILookAmused2u ?

          Yes, that sentence could be shorter.

      • Michael Smith

        Yeah, man.

      • MrBlobfish

        Well, he is all ass.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          I don’t want to libel Secretariat, who was a superb athlete, but The Donald is an ass of that sort of stature. Or perhaps Clydesdale sized.

          • HogeyeGrex

            YOOOOOGE

  • MrBlobfish

    How is he with military-grade penis pumps?

    • Callyson

      “Those things don’t work nearly as well as advertised!”

      – Huckabee

      • nmmagyar

        Bilge pump or GTFO

        • eddi

          Vacuum cleaner for landlubbers?

  • Joshua Norton

    Man oh man. Huckleberry has moar transgender issues than Vanity Fair.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He certainly seems to think about transgender issues more than most people.

      • eddi

        Needed an issue nobody normal gives a flying fuck about but can set off his base like cheap fireworks. And will blow up in his face like said cheap fireworks.

        • Wee Mousie

          Tell me. Does he throw a conniption if someone shows him a breast pump?

          I think I see a trend here.

          • eddi

            The Trumping of the Republican Party?

  • sw19womble

    The GOP is designed to kill people and break things.

    FTFY,YW

    • Callyson

      YW? Is it short for:

      1. You wuss?

      2. You weirdo?

      3. You wanker?

      4. All of them, Katie?

      • sw19womble

        You’re Welcome, but any of the above also work. ;)

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Yellowbellied whackjob, also, too.

        • Querolous

          YOOOOGE WIENER?

        • Wee Mousie

          Yodelling Wombat.

      • eddi

        I kinda dig #3. Dignified and classic.

  • Antimassacree

    The Huckster is just mad that he will have to pay full freight for his own man-boob reduction surgery. Cutting back on the grits and gravy is just too much to expect.

  • Ryan Denniston

    He displays an unhealthy level of obsession over this issue. I’ve probably spent a whole 10 seconds of my life thinking through transgender issues, and decided to a) celebrate people being happy, and b) try not to cause offense. What is so hard about that?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Gets in the way of the authoritarian mindset. Which Hucksterbee is fully committed to.

      • Wee Mousie

        I don’s see why. It’s not like he’s got one.

        Sort of like buying a silver tea service for a wino.

        • riledupone

          If you accept the idea of people “feeling” that they’re wrong gender is legit, you’re accepting the idea that Gawd makes mistakes. And Huckster’s Gawd doesn’t make mistakes.

    • MrBlobfish

      Jesus?

    • Biff52

      That’s in direct conflict with the repub’s mantra: “We’re not happy until nobody is happy.”

  • MrBlobfish

    What does this have to do with Iran? I can only hold one thought at a time.

    • david green

      Potential GOP candidate?

  • Charles Cates

    http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/mike-huckabee-troops-abortion_55bbc20ee4b06363d5a22323?

    Mike Huckabee Will Not Rule Out Using Federal Troops To Stop Abortions
    “I will not pretend there is nothing we can do to stop this.”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I think he’ll find a lot of soldiers will have problems with following utterly illegal orders like that.

      • nmmagyar

        Not to mention a shit ton of federal laws prohibiting it

      • eddi

        I swore to protect and defend the Constitution when I was in. Not help establish a false Christian theocracy.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          True story: When Pat Robertson was seriously considered a possibility for the GOP nomination back in the 80’s, I was discussing this with a buddy of mine in the G3 plans shop, and a couple of the troops overheard our conversation, and volunteered on the spot to follow me into the hills as part of the resistance in the unlikely event that old Pat ever got into power.

          • eddi

            The Right underestimates grossly the loyalty of soldiers to the principles of this country. ALL the principles, not just the ones they cherry-pick or make up as they go. A lot may be pretty right wing themselves, but treason is a separate deal. Look up Smedley Butler of the USMC who hated FDR’s guts and still turned in a ton of major industrialists planning a coup. No trials ever resulted because of the fear of open revolt by the masses. At least that has always been my guess.

    • Callyson

      You are kidding, right? RIGHT???

      GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee is open to the idea of using federal troops and the FBI to stop women from having abortions…

      The Huckabee campaign did not immediately return a request for more comment on what deploying troops or using the FBI to stop women from having abortions would look like.

      • Wee Mousie

        Excuse me, but I can’t keep up.

        Did the FEMA Camps repeal the comatose pussy statue?

      • david green

        Jade Helm! It should have been clear. The movers and shakers have decided that the Huskckster will be the next Pres, and Jade Helm was just a trial run-thru for the troops who will be tracking down those abortionists.

    • BaddTicker

      Wait, what. He’s going to stop abortion by sending out a group that’s “designed to kill people and break things?”
      That seems a tad bit counterproductive. Kinda throws the whole pro-life thing right into the ol’ shitter, doesn’t it?

      • Wee Mousie

        The babby out with the babby bather, so to speak.

    • FauxAntocles

      To paraphrase someone else: Rethuglicans have no interest in governing, only in ruling.

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      I have a sneaking suspicion that the US military provides abortions as part of healthcare so this could get tricky.

      • Whale Chowder

        Not overseas, thanks Congress.

    • Whale Chowder

      Well I’m impressed. Huckster would use troops and the FBI to prevent women from getting a medical service that is completely legal in the US.

      Now that’s some small governmentin’ there.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Remember, he’s from Arkansas. They’re still pissed about integration.

      • Amy!

        Not too happy about statehood, so far as I can tell.

  • Randy Riddle

    I guess throat-cramming all this gay stuff down his throat is impacting Huckabee’s ability to form coherent words and sentences.

  • Swampgas_Man

    The military is not a place where we try out experiments.

    Isn’t this what they said when they integrated the armed forces?

    • eddi

      When they went coed too.

      • Jill122

        And Don’t Ask Don’t Tell.

  • Matthew Hawkins

    On a serious note. If Mike Huckabee believes that the military is for killing people and breaking things than he has disqualified himself from being President. As a former Army Officer this really offends me.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I share your circumstance and disgust.

    • proudgrampa

      Thank you, Mr. Hawkins, for your honorable service.

    • Beaumarchais?

      It’s the kind of glib, macho thing said by someone who didn’t serve but thinks others should.

      • Matthew Hawkins

        It is something that goes on a T-Shirt. I have found it funny on a T-Shirt. I don’t find it funny from a Presidential candidate.

        • Wee Mousie

          Nothing the Teapublican candidates say are funny, though some of the things are weirder than snake suspenders.

  • Seaside

    Huckabee,“I’d feel better about myself if I was a 38D rather than a 34A”

    Huckabee feels better about himself.

  • Michael Smith

    I didn’t know that breaking things was one of the Military’s jobs. They should say that at the recruiting places. Everyone likes to break things.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The problem becomes when you are asked to break things in a certain way, under certain conditions, to achieve a definable goal.

      This is where the GOP fails. They can’t break things in a disciplined manner.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Really, we could whip this out every day.

    • Callyson

      Larry Craig, is that you?

      (ETA: didn’t see the gif when I replied and the joke doesn’t work when it’s visible. Oh well…)

      • david green

        Cheer up – there will be other opportunities. Guaranteed!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Yes it’s like the bunny picture. It’s applicable on just about an hourly basis to someone in the 17 person GOP field.

    • eddi

      Poor Jay. He doesn’t know whether to laugh or cry.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …what’s up with and this obsession with all things transgendered?! Geez, he’s over the top even for a Rethuglican.

    • eddi

      Closet issues? What’s under the suit? Inquiring minds want know. Not me though.

    • It’s heartening, though, to see the GOP outreach to female voters is still on track.

  • BaddTicker

    The thing about boobies is that they usually come in 2’s, not a set of 17 like the GOP Presidential candidate field.

    • Dudleydidwrong

      Victoria’s Secret bra designer: “Hey! What the fuck is this order? Seventeen boobs? With room to expand? You gotta be kidding!”

      Manager: “You read it wrong. That’s for 34 boobs! Get to work.”

  • cheetojeebus

    After visualizing Hucklenut in a soft fluffy angora sweater all cleavagy I’ve got a nasty bile taste in my mouth that won’t go away.

  • Logic of Color

    I have the weirdest boner right now

    • Joseph

      You’re holding the book upside down.

  • cheetojeebus

    Kraft Ebbing covered this in his follow up treatise didn’t he? “Mommas Jungen und Blähungen”

  • Ducksworthy

    True scientific fact: eating squirrel brains cooked in a hot air popcorn popper can cause a degenerative brain disease similar to mad cow disease.

  • SnarkOff

    So: Some theoretical, marginal amount of taxpayer dollars to pay for various boob jobs for trans military personnel = bad. But SQUILLIONS OF DOLLARS SPENT ON ENDLESS WARS = fine.

    • lesterthegiantape

      Hey, that’s just math.

      • riledupone

        They said there’d be no math.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      Smaller Government!

      (When it suits me)

    • Msgr_Moment

      Eleventh Commandment: Thou shalt not boobify.

  • Callyson

    OT, but:

    No Charges For Two Officers Who Backed False Version Of University Of Cincinnati Shooting

    • glasspusher

      wow. really. In my book, they’re accessories.

      • lesterthegiantape

        And not just accessories like handbags or sexy little backless shoes.

      • bobbert

        Attempted accessories, who wimped out under oath. Oh, and knowing there was video.

        Edited to add: Somebody yesterday pointed out that the DA was behaving very uncharacteristically. Evidently, this is reversion to the mean.

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      big win for #dontsnitch

      • Amy!

        Not really.

        They went along with the initial report. When approached by the grand jury to testify under oath, so presumably independently and without awareness of the other to-that-time-sealed evidence, their testimony matched the video, not the report.

        So more poor reporting, possibly well-meant, possibly intended to ratchet up tensions in a city that’s more southern than you’d expect from its OH suffix. Under the circumstances, that the officers didn’t lie to the grand jury (apparently at any point; they confirmed the things that the grand jury saw in the camera footage), they weren’t complicit from the perspective of the grand jury.

        That initial report was still a bad idea, and thin-blue-line crap. But they didn’t defend it.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Sucks. I’m with glasspusher…as far as I’m concerned, they’re accessories after the fact.

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      Awful lot of bad apples in that there police barrel.

      • dshwa

        I think it’s the barrel that eventually turns the good apples rotten. The whole police culture is broken and needs to be fixed.

        • eddi

          Start by taking away their guns. The wanna-be Dirty Harrys will quit in hordes.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Have them talk to Walter Palmer about crossbow thingies.

    • Spotts1701

      “These officers were totally cooperative in the investigation and consistent in their statements,” said Deters. “When the officers were specifically asked about what they saw and heard, their statements matched Tensing’s body cam video.”

      But they didn’t match the report they filed, you moron! Or did that little detail slip through?

      • Barbara Delaney

        I told you Deters was/is a prick. He’s reverted to type, to the Deters who never had a problem with a lying cop. The word now is that the City of Cincinnati Police had long been wanting to open another precinct in the area of the university and take over from the university cops. Deters sided with the city cops, of course, and this case was a gift.

  • Time for Huckabee to deploy his super secret PORKY’S style plot to sneak into the girl’s bathroom to get a load of some tits research all the wasteful spending for taxpayer funded sexual reassignment surgery.

  • SK

    That reminds me, when’s Fuckabee getting his boob job? Will he avail the services of Dr. Francis Palmer, the world renowned boob-job surgeon, or will he stick to his principles and not go Hollywood.

    If the latter, will he pick one certified by Rand Paul’s board?

  • Michael Smith

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Yes, Donnie. Yes you are. You can shut the fuck up now, btw…

    • eddi

      Bless Donald Trump. Before him this was going to be the dullest election since… well the last one. Now we have Rebs trying to top him in appealing to the basest of the base. And committing political suicide in their feeble attempts.

  • glasspusher

    Huh. I thought Mike was all about that bass.

  • Land Shark

    “Feculent Gopher Pube” …. do you have the recipe?

    • SnarkOff

      No, but hum a few bars and I’ll fake it.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      I believe it uses a popcorn popper. You can also substitute squirrel.

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    The military is designed to kill people and break things.
    He added: “The only things transgender people could kill are boners. And the only things they can break are their families’ hearts.”

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Have you seen that Huckabee family photo in the matching striped shirts? Talk about a boner killer.

      • disqus_paZRXJU34U

        Yes, on Wonkette. If I remember correctly, it looked like his boys might have had augmentation surgery?

        • david green

          Or just developed the ability to eat a half-dozen pork chops at a sitting?

  • lesterthegiantape

    “The military is not a place where we try out experiments.”

    Excepting Agent Orange, of course, which is why my wife has a serious autoimmune disease. Her old man wallowed around in that shit for most of his tour of duty. I believe there have been one or two other experiments as well.

    • lesterthegiantape

      That comment lacks the requisite humor. So allow me to add “Rectum? Damn near killed ’em!”

    • laineypc

      Right now they are apparently trying out AI robots with sniper rifles to patrol the DMZ and shoot to kill humans they might encounter. There is an option to set them to ask a real human before shooting, or not.

      • lesterthegiantape

        If they don’t glue Schwarzenegger masks to those things, why go on?

      • david green

        I think Fred Saberhagen has already followed this line of development to its logical conclusion. And it ain’t good.

    • eddi

      Mustard gas tests on mostly black “volunteers”.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Don’t forget that whole Tuskagee thingy.

        • eddi

          The syphilis experiments? Those were civilians. Evil doesn’t always wear a uniform.

    • Jill122

      I believe Truman would beg to differ. So would Clinton. And didn’t the military, under Obama, recognize same-sex marriage in the military BEFORE the Scotus ruling? Chuckleberry is good for a laugh, but not in the 10 best competition.

  • Michael Loraine

    Also too, there is this weird thing about hormone therapy (i.e., giving lady-type hormones to an otherwise male-type dude) which causes lady-type breasts to develop kind of all by themselves. Amazing! Cool! Cost-effective! Not at all demanding of taxpayer dollars for breast augmentaion surgery!

    So, am I suggesting that Mr. Huckabee is wrong and stupid? Yes, yes I am.

    • Wee Mousie

      I believe at one time there was some concern about the very ease with which this could happen to men not wishing breast augmentation, who happened t o be working for a pharmaceutical company that produced the oral contraceptive pill. Since then masks and safety measures have be put in place.

  • Biff52

    I have mixed feels about this. On the one hand, boobs! But on the other, I have a girl-type cousin who came down with breast cancer, and being a poor, the only “medically necessary” procedure MediCal would cover at the time was a radical mastectomy, no reconstruction. Lucky for her, now some 20 years later, she lost her other breast, so is now symmetrical, at least.

  • Peripatetic Poltroon

    I’m OK with this. If a woman sees combat, she can have a boob job on the gummint nickel.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I’m with you and then some. We have cheaped out over and over again when it comes to Veterans. You see combat? We owe you, even if costs one one-thousandth part of 1% of the annual income of the top 1%. The VA should be funded at least at the level as the cool new toys that create new VA patients.

  • It’s funny how when conservative assholes are speaking on one subject, they often accidentally speak the truth about another subject. “The military is designed to kill people and break things.” Woh, I completely agree with Mike Huckabee on that one!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I can’t tell whether Huck is a pacifist or a pretend-pacifist who thinks that killing people and breaking things is great. I suspect, the latter.

  • fawkedifiknow

    Huckabee is pissed because he applied for government assistance to get breast reduction surgery and got turned down.

    • Wee Mousie

      He did have a point.

      Mike Huckabee and his fellow candidates are some of the most well-known useless tits in the Republican Party.

  • Walter Wellstone

    He’s full of shit. He doesn’t know anything about ladies since no lady has ever volunteered to have sex with him.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      He also does not know anything about the military.

  • BillWestern

    Thank you for you military service Governor Huckabee. Oh wait…He’s channeling Jerry Boykin again.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    It’s not like he needed to open his mouthhole ever again to illustrate what a sick twisted peckerhead pervert he is, but I suppose in this age of sound bites one needs a reminder every once in a while.

  • Fartknocker

    Mike, your not going to be president. So, save your breath and listen to Mrs. Fartknocker:

    • Wee Mousie

      Er.. ha … too late! Way too late.

  • HogeyeGrex

    He also wants to get rid of abortion using the FBI and “federal forces”, Supreme Court and law of the land be damned.

    http://cjonline.com/news/2015-07-31/mike-huckabee-republican-presidential-candidate-wont-rule-out-employing-us-troops

    He’s just trying to out-Trump Trump at this point.

    • eddi

      Which Reb candidate isn’t? Even Donald is upping his game to say in the running.

  • proudgrampa

    Evan, you had me at “feculent gopher pube.” Cheers!

  • Herasmus B. Lyon

    I, a middle-aged cis-gendered woman, was just in a workshop with a middle-aged transgendered woman and while I admit to admiring her perky little rack, it never entered my mind that I should have breast enhancement surgery, gov’t funded or otherwise.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “Come on, shitmonster backwards teaparty rejects! Get on board the controversial statements! Daddy needs a place on the FOX Debate stage!”

    • vivian

      We have a BINGO!

  • BearGHAZI

    If the gays are Nazis, it’s certain that the transgenders are brutal beyond comprehension. Put them in the military yesterday.

    • bluicebank

      There is no clever reply to this. But if the homosexuals are the Nazis, then transgender folk would be like, uh, shit, … totally failing here. No, wait. They would be like Napoléon with a fleet of B-52 bombers.

      Whew. Almost missed that one.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Or the Knights Templar with an atomic bomb.

        • bluicebank

          Masonic Lodge gets no respect in sci-fi. Just saying.

  • Zippy

    this idjit is aware that roughly half those ‘sex change’ operations are female>male and don’t involve breast augmentation at all, right?

    • vivian

      so basically we’re looking at an intra-millitary boob exchange…

  • dshwa

    I’ve never fired a gun before, and I’m a male lacking the equipment in question, so feel free to correct me if I’m wrong, but wouldn’t big boobs be a bit inconvenient for shooting anything bigger than a pistol? Not to mention all the running and other physically demanding activity you have to do in combat? Is that one of the terrible things about having big boobs listicle that I didn’t read?

    • eddi

      Women have been dealing with these problems since forever. Breast binding, now sports bras provide support. As to shooting, women have been keeping up with the guys easy. The place to rest the stock is the trapezius muscle. Between the breast and shoulder joint. Size might require a little adjustment but would still be OK. Prone position you rest on your elbows. The ladies of the club may use said club if I have erred here.

    • Hardly Ideal

      I remember reading about some mythical band of warrior women who went so far as to cut off a breast or two so they could draw their bows better… what were they called again? Armazinians or something? It’s on the tip of my tongue.

      • Wee Mousie

        That was the Amazons of Greek legend, who cut off one breast so that when shooting their bow and arrow, the arrow could lie closer along their body.

        Had those Amazons possessed more patience, they would have waited until the Welsh invented the longbow. To fire it, you draw the arrow back to your ear. Then they would only had to strip off their jewellery so as not to get their arrow caught upon their earring.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          I used to shoot a recurve and lemme just tell you, string snappage hurts the side boob when you draw to your cheek all right.

          • Wee Mousie

            Small-breasted womens’ compensation, no?

    • bluicebank

      You press the butt of the rifle to your SHOULDER. The shoulder is east/west of your breast/pectoral. If your breast/man-boob is in the way, you’re doing it wrong.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Back in the day (I am an Old) the only fully varsity sport open to both boys and girls in direct competition in my high school was the Rifle Club. Didn’t seem to slow them down any and your observation explains why.

    • Markuserektus

      We should consult an expert :P

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Judging from some of the gun nuts waddling around Texas to protect it ‘gainst teh gub’mint, big moobs are not a problem, so I imagine that boobs are OK.

  • Barley_Brains

    Boobies are wonderful and should be free to all who want them. I wonder how many boob jobs could be paid for with one cruise missile? At least a platoon full I would guess.

    • Hardly Ideal

      A little OT, but the last time there were calls to defund NPR, I went to find out how much money they would stand to lose. If I read it right, their entire budget couldn’t pay for even one of those missiles. Penny-wise, meet pound-foolish.

      • Suttree

        Same with PP. It’s not about money, It’s about ideology. I know, speaking to the choir.

    • Msgr_Moment

      We could call that platoon The Boob Squad. I see army numbers rising.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I see army members rising.

        fify.

  • Bitter Scribe

    I have a hard time believing that VA hospitals will do gender transitioning.

    • eddi

      A 20 year wait might be required, like cancer treatments.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        The good old Reagan emergency room approach would, of course, be better.

        • eddi

          Or just staying home until the smell bothers the neighbors.

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Again the classic ESAD approach.

    • BeckyLB

      I actually get all my trans stuff handled by VA. Counseling, hormones, endocrine doc, all of it. Only thing they won’t do is SRS itself.

      • bobbert

        I always appreciate comments from reality. I was gonna ask what SRS was, but google.

  • vivian

    I think Huckabee’s idea is a good one: conscription and mandatory boob jobs for all. I’m just glad we have a candidate who is focused on the ISSUES instead of sensational headline grabbing nonsense.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Irony! It’s not just a product of the Pilbara Region of Western Australia!

      • Suttree

        You just made me look that up and there was no snark! I learned something! Damn you to hell!

        • Mehmeisterjr

          You’re right. I am ashamed of myself. And it was all for the sake of a cheap pun that I constructed by doing a Google search! This is not the Wonkette spirit. Actually it is.

          • Suttree

            I like the handle of your jib.

          • Suttree

            You are redeemed by the rest of your amazing snark!

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    These guys spend a suspicious amount of time thinking about this stuff.

    • Wee Mousie

      I think about this stuff a suspicious amount of time, and I don’t think about it one tenth as much these Republican stiffs do.

      Instead of merely having a prurient mind like me, these jerks seem to have some kind of personal stake in the topic.

      • eddi

        Getting elected.

      • Suttree

        You spelled perversion wrong.

        • Wee Mousie

          I’m perverse that way.

  • janecita

    Do you know what country give free sex reassignment to transgenders? Iran, it also changes their identifications to the right gender.

    • eddi

      Liburl commies, alla them. – Cletus Wingnut, Wrath-O- God, GA.

    • This is amazingly true; although trans people have to be heterosexual and abide by Islamic modesty in their chosen gender. Iran is second only to Thailand in number of sex changes.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      BUT THEY’RE GOING TO BOMB US INTO DEATH THE SIGN OUTSIDE THE GUN SHOP I DRIVE BY EVERY DAY SAYS SO.

    • Suttree

      It’s funny how the idiots that lead that country and the actual populace seem to have differing thoughts. Reminds me of……………

  • bluicebank

    Oh, Howard Hughes parody. Can’t find it, SNL. Gazongas with propellers.

  • A Grumpy Cat

    I read that as “tits on the train” and was trying to figure out how Huckabee could combine boob jobs and the trip to Auschwitz.

    Then I got sad and had to drink more vodka.

    • Suttree

      I read it as “tits on the brain” and then had another vodka.

  • JayGoldenBeach

    He is suspiciously obsessed with The Gays and The Transgenders.

    Wonder how many meth-fueled hustlers are in his closet?!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      AOT, K.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Hucky dear….
    Military lady boob jobs are already paid by the tax payer. If she puts in her 20 and does elective surgery, her gov paid (that is the tax payer part of it!) insurance is picking up part of that bill.
    If a military fellow’s lady wants a boob job, same damn thing. If his daughter, still covered under him, wants bigger (or smaller) breasts, guess what? Her too!

    Now get with the right talking points. The military is not to kill people and break things, it is to protect our freedumbs. Silly boy.

    • James Christopher Owen

      Never let facts get in the way of a divisive narrative.

  • Paperless Tiger

    The military is not a place where we try out experiments.

    A senior army doctor has provided the first official support for claims that the cocktail of vaccines given to soldiers before the 1991 war in Iraq probably caused illnesses that became known as Gulf war syndrome, it was reported today. – The Guardian, 2004-01-12

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Conservatives go ballistic when liberals complain about their tax dollars being used by the military to kill innocent brown babies in other lands, but what sends them over the edge? Boobs!

  • Incoming Ham

    Saying things like “feculent gopher pube” are why I can’t quit you.

  • malsperanza

    I’m still stuck on “The military is not a place where we try out experiments.”

    • Msgr_Moment

      No, that’s for baseball, which integrated the races after the army, IIRC.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Is that why he favors cutting the Pentagon’s research budget?

      • Suttree

        Fuck DARPA!
        -mike

  • malsperanza

    Refresh my memory, friends. When Barack Obama was running for president in 2008, did he talk about finances, banking policy, war, the needs of working people, jobs, the environment?

    Or did he talk about Jesus, sex, boobs, other people’s sex, and his personal relationship to God? And boobs?

    Not one of these people has the slightest idea of what they’re doing. It’s like watching bumper cars driven by people with bags over their heads.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Correct me if I’m wrong but I also don’t recall his ever speaking about the importance of maintaining discredited flags and symbols of a bygone era because of Heritage. How did this guy win? Twice!

    • The Molten Soul

      And oven mitts on their hands.

  • riledupone

    Feculent gopher pube? Evan, you’re making me feel the vapourz and stuff.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Once you’ve gone gopher,
      You’ll wonder what you said “no” fer.

      • Suttree

        I always thought they shaved gerbils.

  • Seriously folks, what does it matter? There is absolutely no way that Mike Huckabee will get the RNC nomination, so it really doesn’t matter what he “thinks” or says. The stage is already set for 2016. Heck, the whole script is practically already written and locked in. Hillary will be the DNC candidate while Jeb will be the RNC candidate, and he will lose because the independent centrist voters (you know, the folks who actually decide Presidential elections in this country) still remember what happened when “Dubya” Bush (who, to be honest, was nothing but a puppet for Cheney & Co.) was in office.

    • malsperanza

      Well we have to find something to keep us entertained between now and the next inauguration. It’s either the GOP candidates or Facebook, and I don’t think I can stand one more Cecil the Lion photo.

    • fuzzwald

      Yeah, he’s probably not that serious about winning. He’s content to drop a few turds in the punchbowl every election cycle.

  • ButchWagstaff

    Mike thinks about tits ALOT. He tries to tell his mouth not to say anything about tits but it does no good because if it’s open, his mouth will say something about tits. He’ll then blame liberals for existence of tits because they are clearly trying to distract him from Jesus thoughts & running for President because they don’t want him to take the country back for the flag, Jesus, guns, and gravy.

    • The Molten Soul

      “Jesus, Mary has great tits,” said Joseph.

      • TheBidenator

        Especially Mary Magdalene as played by sexy Monica Bellucci..

        • Suttree

          I’d hit that
          -Jesus

  • Playonwords

    Wonkette might like to check the word “Flocculant” to describe Ol’ Mike

  • This asshole spends waaaay too much time worrying about sex. He is deeply disturbed.

    • Wee Mousie

      Have you seen him? Huckabee has every right to spend as much time as he has at his disposal worrying about his sex.

      His problem is that Mike wastes far too much time worrying about everybody else’s sex.

      • Suttree

        I would hate to see this guy’s porn collection. And I like porn.

        • Wee Mousie

          One man’s porn is another man’s giblets wrencher.

          • Suttree

            ffs i’m not sure i want to look that up. Unless it involves gravy. Dammit i just rule34 myself.

  • Sterculius

    The military is now offering free testicle implants for the wingnut chickenhawks who always forget where the sign up sheet is for the wars they start.

  • Jeamonn

    This was the result of a 1970’s Army funded program. I don’t know why Huckafuckaderpabee doesn’t realize that the Army is the number one gun-boob researcher in the US.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “that’s absurd that we would just let people identify”

    Who the fuck else should do the identifying, you ignoranus?

  • HavaBrain

    Mike your boobs are just fine for a guy your age. Well, ok, they smack you in the face if you walk too fast, but maybe we can sneak a reduction surgery into the secret war budget…

  • Lord-Nash

    “Here are Huckabee’s mouth words:”
    His mouth talks like my ass chews gum.

  • Lord-Nash

    “Taxpayers are not responsible for paying for sex change operations.”

    Fine. If that’s the way we’re playing then I’m not paying for your stupid wars, because I oppose those on religious grounds. See how that works, asshole?

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