Comrades! Do you remember yesterday, and today, when your Wonkette was broked? The husband yelled and scared the baby. Kaili shook and trembled and PANICKED! like an undrugged sheltie on the Fourth of July. Dok and Evan took a nap. I poured liquor into a cup and searched for fundraising thermometers that looked like dicks. So pretty much a typical Wonkette day! Except for one thing: how we asked you for moneys and then you sent us FIFTEEN THOUSAND FIVE HUNDRED OF THEM.
See, we were having an XMLGBQT attack, but instead of saying “oh hey you are under attack let’s fix your shit,” our server was like “what do you mean your site is broken, maybe you should fix your shit.” And we were like “hey can you maybe HELP us fix our shit,” and they were like “word word word,” and then we were like GO FUCK YOURSELF, RIGHT IN THE EAR. And we asked you for money to get a better server and you all said “oh, I am made of money, have ONE THOUSAND DOLLARS,” or “I have no money and am unemployed and I am GIVING YOU MONEY ANYWAY,” and frankly the people who sent us $1000 or $500 are probably going to get thank you notes, and the people who gave us $5 are probably not going to get thank you notes because THERE WERE ONE THOUSAND OF YOU, but here is a secret, when you write a note to me when you are giving me money, I always send you a thank you note back, so that is your #lifehack of the day, Make Rebecca Write You A Letter edition.
Anyway, looks like I have some thank you notes to write now, and JUST when I finished the ones from the wedding.
Fuck my life!
Now that that is out of the way, and now that we are completely addicted to your money-crack, rather than try to come up with something ELSE for which we’ve got an EMERGENCY NEED ACHTUNG ACHTUNG HALP WONKET ES DYING SEND MONEY AND DRUGS, we thought we’d go through the ways you can help us on a regular basis, because apparently you like us, you really like us, and now that we took away your Wonk-smack for almost a day, you will do anything for your fix! It’s a perfect codependence! So let’s go through the ways to support your Wonkette, together, so Kaili and Evan and Dok and Shy and the babby and I all can continue living in “houses” and eating “food” and “going to New Orleans probably fuck it let’s go!”
Have I Helped Wonkette Today?
- Have I given money?
- Have I signed up for the newsletter, which is free and won’t sell me anything but T-shirts, but is a good daily reminder to come read funny stories and also give money?
- Have I bought like 5 T-shirts for the people I love?
- When I am buying something on Amazon, have I gone through the link on the side rail there, so Wonkette gets its portion?
- Have I clicked on any ads that interest me personally, not for the sake of clicking for the sake of clicking but rather because I have a deep and abiding interest in the item on offer and am definitely not clicking indiscriminately and going to Click Fraud Jail?
- If I am using an ad-blocker, have I at least shared the hell out of Wonkette’s stories on the Facebook and the Twat and even Pinterest and the Tumblr thing?
- Have I shared the hell out of Wonkette’s stories in general? While sweating through a Wonk shirt and drinking gin from a Warren cup?
- Oh, and have I clicked on those dumb sex ad “content recommendation” grid things, those are not “ads,” so you can click on them to your heart’s content click click click click click click click without ending up in Click Fraud Jail?
- Have I refrained from complaining about all the dumb sex ads and other ads but instead sent cheerful helpful notes when an ad has gone wild and broken Wonkette because I know Rebecca would never purposely sell an ad that autoplays or redirects or breaks Wonkette, and actually she and Shy spend all their time tracking down bad bullshit ads that redirect or break Wonkette, except when they are yelling at the server people or cooing at the babby — so I would NEVER ACCUSE HER OF SELLING THEM ON PURPOSE BECAUSE SHE WOULDN’T DO THAT BECAUSE SHE IS RAD?
Well, that is about it on this end! Mama’s got a husband to pet (sexually!) and a baby to photograph and some BAD AND SCUMMY ADS TO SELL AT YOU, lol just kidding, OR AM I? I am. I guess. Maybe. We’ll see. In the meantime, please to accept these pictures of the baby in the past week-ish or so as a token of our deep and true love and our deep and true thanks, unless you wrote me a note or you sent $500, in which case there will be another token of our love and thanks goddamnit, fuck me.
Now get the fuck out.