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The “feud” between “presidential candidates” Donald Trump and Rick Perry continues apace, but who will win the Golden Trophy, a prize that entitles the winner to telling their grandkids their dick is bigger than this one guy’s, but he’s still not president of a country? To recap: Perry said Trump is bad for being mean to John McCain, Trump said Perry is a stupid, and Perry said, “Do you fuck your mother with that mouth?” And on and on and on, these dildo-breathed losers need to shut up, is what they need to do.

But NO, Perry won’t shut up, and instead says hey watch this, I can do bigger man things with my man parts than that pussy Donald Trump, only problem I’ll have is when I pull up too far and catch my HUGE BONER on the pull-up bar:

After his speech, Mr. Perry was asked a handful of questions from the audience, including one from a reporter who recited a litany of criticisms from Mr. Trump. The real estate developer and rival GOP presidential candidate has said that Mr. Perry lacks the “brainpower” and “toughness” to be president, the questioner said, asking the former governor how he would respond if Mr. Trump was in the audience.

“Let’s get a pull-up bar out there and see who can do more pull-ups,” Mr. Perry replied.

Okay, that is all fine, but the real story is Rick Perry’s face, when he was asked that question.

First he looked uncomfortable and weird while he was readjusting his pant leg or something:

perrymad

Then he flashed some weird gay grin when the questioner asked him about Trump’s comments about how stupid and dumb he is. Still adjusting the pant leg:

perrymad2

Then he leaned back because he started to get that well-known Rick Perry Texas Erection:

perrymad3

FIGHTIN’ FACE, MOTHERFUCKERS, FIGHTIN’ FACE:

perrymad4

Then he said his threat about the pull-up contest and made a weird squint while everybody cheered him on, because people who like Rick Perry are real fuckin’ stupid:

perrymad5

The end.

[Time]

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  • And we’re back…

    • Anarchy Pony

      Woo!

    • dslindc

      Thanks, Obama!

      • Nounverb911

        Wonkette got one of the new Obamaservers?

        • dslindc

          Obamaphones™ have to run on something!

    • nmmagyar

      Our long national nightmare is finally over

    • So I don’t have to donate? I was almost in enough withdrawal to cash in my collection of Sacajawea dollar coins.

    • RumAddled

      Wow, that donate button really works!!! Yay, no more Wonkdrawal!

    • goonemeritus

      I knew coding those servers in APL was a bit sketchy.

    • Michael Smith

      Good. I almost made some money for my bosses today.. close call.

    • Antimassacree

      Turbo Prius server accomplished?

    • You lost my bookmark! Now I have to start reading Wonkette over from the beginning.

    • Mary Sandoras

      New hamsters?

    • Found enough duct tape and chewing gum to fix the servers, have we, Shypixel?

  • Nounverb911

    Is it safe to comment now? (If they were allowed).

    • MrBlobfish

      Wear a condom

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Only on your penis?

        You’re forgetting your fingertips and both eyeballs.

        • marxalot

          Finger condoms and safety goggles, check. Just like when I’m cooking.

          • MrBlobfish

            Remind me never to go to your house for dinner.

          • Gleem-McShinez

            Isn’t that what a Dental Dam is for?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Comments are finally allowed?

      • Nounverb911

        No?

        • Anarchy Pony

          Shoot.

          • Steverino247

            UNLEASH THE COMMENTS!!!

      • goonemeritus

        in lieu of commenting I normally just read the post aloud to
        my dog and then we take turns being pithy.

  • MrBlobfish

    Great. Nominating candidates via gym class.

    • Nounverb911

      Have they gotten Huckleberry out of the girls shower yet?

  • Anarchy Pony

    Flintlock pistols at dawn or gtfo!

    • Steverino247

      Monty Python already did that (Upper Class Twit of the Year).

  • Nounverb911

    Is this post ‘Safe For Work’?

    • Antonin Dvorak

      It depends on your workplace’s safety guidelines about Rick Perry.

    • Doug White

      If you work at Scores it sure is….

  • MrBlobfish

    The Trump’s penis is covered in red velvet with his named embossed in gold leaf.

    • marxalot

      Vomit.

      • arglebargle

        With a capital T and that rhymes with P and that stands for PUKE!

  • dslindc

    Well, their policies sound like they were dreamed up by 8-year olds, so why not?

  • Nounverb911

    “Rick Perry And Donald Trump Both Have A Boy Penis”
    Did Trump and Perry say where they got “it” from?

    • geoffalnutt

      Ann Coulter

    • Spotts1701

      PP babby part market?

  • Spotts1701

    That’s not a fighting face. That’s a “I shouldn’t have had that cabbage for lunch” face.

  • Gleem-McShinez

    This is completely idiotic. We don’t require candidates to physically compete!

    Instead, CORNDOG EATIN’ CONTEST!!1

    • dslindc

      Eating is not a sport!

      Oh wait, ‘Murrica! Carry on.

    • nmmagyar

      There is no candidate that can beat Perry in that event

      • Gleem-McShinez

        Don’t be so quick to call it!
        You have to have seen Donald Trump’s Firin’ Face™? Just look at that corndog chawmpin’ chute!

        Plus hair is actually cornsilk. That could be an advantage.

        • nmmagyar

          Trump would never consider doing anything that would bring pleasure to another person, so oral is out.

        • Biff52

          He’d insist on eating it with a fork, all classy-like.

      • Playonwords

        Oh, come on! Even the new svelte, belly banded Christie would rule that contest – although it would probably break the rules of his new diet – only non-fat babies and kittens are allowed.

        • nmmagyar

          Are we judging by quantity (Christie) or form (Perry)?

    • Shoot, I might enter the GOP race myself. I love cornholing! None of those bitches will beat me!

      Oh, corndogs. Well, I like corndogs too.

  • Lazy Media

    I would have bet money that you couldn’t look dumber than Donald Trump when responding to Donald Trump’s stupidity, but oops.

  • FlownOver

    Because the guy who got the best grade in gym class should have unfettered control over the world’s biggest military force, semi-fettered control over the world’s largest economy and as as much control as he can get away with over, y’know, us.

    Yeah, that seems about right.

    • Nounverb911

      You choose:

      • Reddishrabbit

        Funny how the guy who won these medals can be insulted all day long. Can we pick him instead?

        • docterry6973

          Every republican knows that those are fake.

      • Is my own death not an option in this game? Worst game of marry-fuck-kill ever.

      • freakishlystrong

        Je-Sus. Sieg Howdy!

    • Either Perry simply caved on the “brainpower” point, or he forgot to address it, thus proving it correct.

  • marxalot

    What the actual and legitimate fuck is going on with his face. Also, too, someone should challenge both of them to fill in a map of the wold with the countries. Or hell, just the US with all the states. No smartphones or lifelines.

    • freakishlystrong

      Unpossible.

    • MrBlobfish

      States and capitols.

    • arglebargle

      All 57?

    • artem1s

      Ha, they can’t beat this guy on state identifying
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=h0-FYyuvrRk

      • AntiDerpomeme

        That’s impressive. And of course he starts with Minnesota first.

      • Vienna Woods

        He drew Lake Ontario wrong. Also, too this is the sort of thing my firstborn starting doing around grade 1 on a world scale. I was always impressed that he could get Finland, Norway and Sweden in the right spots.

      • willi0000000

        why does he draw Maine looking like Dilbert?

        • bobbert

          Um, Al Franken?

  • BaddTicker

    Can we have a pull up contest between Obama and all 16 of the GOP candidates please?

    • FauxAntocles

      New debate format

    • Or for that matter, the First Lady.

  • Bill Slider

    So, Rick Perry believes that the bestest Presidential candidate is the one who can do the mostest pull-ups, on a bar, perhaps in a gym
    Sounds a little sexist to me, since none of the female candidates from either party are one’s that strike me as winners in a pull-up bar contest, Miss Lindsey also, too.

    The important test, of course, is what’s he going to say when Putin, Iran and Israel call him at 3 am with Halocaust bitch?

    • MrBlobfish

      It could be like the old Battle of the Network Stars TV show. Pick out three teams, like, I don’t know, the Corporatists, the God Botherers and the Clearly Insane. Dress them up in gym shorts and have them compete in feats of strength and agility. Beats debates.

      • Relativicus

        Oh, I loved that show. Caught some reruns on some cable channel last year. Let’s do the Time Warp again, whatever cable channel you were!

      • AntiDerpomeme

        I’ve really been secretly hoping that this is the very format Fox was going to use for the first Rethug presidential “debate.” I know it’s wrong, but I wouldn’t mind seeing a bit of blood, sweat and tears. Although we’ll still probably get tears either way.

      • If we’re not careful, we could wind up with the cast of Charlie’s Angels as President. Although, compared to this lot…

        • nmmagyar

          Original cast or re-boot? ETA – Obviously FFM wouldn’t be able to serve

          • Nounverb911

            The ghost of Farrah Fawcett would make a better president than of these idiots.

          • Biff52

            She just had the poor form to die on the same day as Michael Jackson. Mere footnote, sadly.

          • MrBlobfish

            Yes.

        • HolidayinCambodia

          That would move the wankers from the White House to the rest of the country.

        • Dee Andee

          Hey, one of those chicks is my cousin-in-law!

      • bozilingus

        Festivus?

    • Gleem-McShinez

      He will say “LOOK, I WON THE SWIMSUIT COMPETITION FOR AMERICA, AND YOU BITCHES LOOK LIKE SHIT IN A THONG!”

  • MrBlobfish

    Oh please please please get Christie and Jindal in on this contest.

    • Jus_Wonderin

      And what unknown element would the bar that Christie pulls up on…be made of???

      • MrBlobfish

        Touché. He’ll just have to stand to the side and have a sausage sandwich.

      • Antonin Dvorak

        Unelectium.

        • Dee Andee

          You win the internet today. :D

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Yay, Disqus works again! At this point, I’d be very tempted to say something snarky and insulting about those “I’m currently filling my diaper”* faces Perry is making, but sadly comments still aren’t allowed.

    * I have to imagine beebe Donna Rose is more refined and elegant in this sort of process. And her poops are probably jasmine-scented too, because she’s perfect in every way.

  • jesuswasablack

    Which One Is The Biggest???
    Hard to say my guess is the metric system would have to be used to cipher such a short distance!

    • Antimassacree

      Meat swords. Maybe just meat paring knives.

      • jesuswasablack

        Tweezers!

      • nmmagyar

        Oyster knives are the shortest, I believe

        • Biff52

          Night of the short knives?

  • freakishlystrong

    GREATEST DEMOCRACY. LEADERS OF THE FREE WORLD. And our leading lights on the right are having sword fights. I’m certain our conservatives are the envy of the world.

    • Biff52

      Even worse, these two are crossing the streams. Never let the streams cross!

      • Dee Andee

        Pissing contest libulz!!11!!

  • Relativicus

    I noticed many many years ago that the difference between a sixth grader and an adult is the adult finds wordier ways to say “I know you are, but what am I?” And here’s Rick Perry, 65-year old former Governor of Texas and two-time GOP presidential nominee contestant, challenging a rival candidate to a pull-up contest. Thank you, Rick Perry, for validating my hypothesis.

    I can haz sociologist munnys nao?

    • MrBlobfish

      Huckabee is five years younger then Perry. Compare and contrast.

      • Jen_Baker_VA

        In republican years, 5 years is like a decade minus the length of their last surgery scar

  • laineypc

    They understand what their base responds to.

    • Nounverb911

      Who’s on first?

      • laineypc

        Correct!

    • Relativicus

      Yes, and that is “things they can only accomplish in their dreams.”

  • BearGHAZI

    Swim. Suit. Competition.

    • nmmagyar

      Damn.You.To.Hell.

    • We’re gonna need some two-sided tape.

    • Shibusa

      “Is it too late for me to enter the race?” ~ Paul P90X Ryan

  • Bill Slider

    Hurray, and all hail chicken wire, Band-Aids and rubberbands for the emergency server recovery. Now I feel obligated to buy some of those velvet paintings of picturesque Wyoming.

  • BearGHAZI

    Pretty Sure Christie has the biggest manboobs

    • HolidayinCambodia

      I think this comment violates the Commenting Rules For Radicals.

      • crisptickle

        specifically Rule #1

      • Comrade Wingtardd 5467p

        Is there a new fat joke directive?

        • Gristle McThornbody

          Yes, we can’t reference the Hindenburg, blimps, dirigibles, partial eclipses of the earth, man-made fault lines, states falling into the oceans or anything else that would be considered body shaming when speaking of Christie.

          • Comrade Wingtardd 5467p

            Damn I looked it up in the new handbook, the widening of the directive is extensive and inflated. So not just those but also donuts, rhyming “Christe” with “Krispie” followed by “kreme” or otherwise, “heavenly bodies” used snarkily or not, “orbital mechanics”, mentions of “gravity” or “gravitational pull”, “seismic shifts” metaphorical or otherwise, “horizon” or “circumference”, puns on “circles”, “radius”, “pi” and “pie” …

            We’re choking here on all this nonsense being rammed down our throats – we’re going to blow up like a damn balloon and pop from all these rules!

      • Doug White

        It’s “Rules for Commenting Radicals”…. You have disgraced yourself!

    • bozilingus

      Pretty sure Christie is the biggest man-boob.

      FIFY

  • goonemeritus

    After submitting my post for review to my in-house council I was told that it broke all five of the recently reiterated rules and probably hypothetically broke the nonexistent 6th rule. My council edited and rewrote the post as follows.

    “I don’t agree with several of the Republican candidates on
    some issues”

    • Nounverb911

      Do you know who else broke rule 6?

      • goonemeritus

        Hittler?

        • nmmagyar

          AOT, K

      • Barley_Brains

        New Bruce?

      • Biff52

        Ben?

        • proudgrampa

          Banhammered Ben?

    • marxalot

      “I feel that the priorities of many Republican candidates do not accurately reflect the issues our country currently faces.”

      • goonemeritus

        Bold

        • Anarchy Pony

          Positively radical.

    • Huh. Because my internal review committee told me the following comment would be just fine (if comments were permitted): “Hitler Hitler Hitler dick joke dick joke dick joke Palin.”

      • goonemeritus

        Was your internal review committee educated in Brooklyn?

      • Ilgattomorte

        Actually, I believe you’re limited to 2 Hitlers per paragraph, but use as many dicks as you like. Palins, of course, are really only usable for for a short time.

        • Dee Andee

          I’m all for having as many dicks as we like. :D

          • nmmagyar

            As am I

      • Wonkaholic

        Needs moar buttsecks.

  • marxalot

    Talking Jerky Challenges Bloviating Hairpiece to Meaningless Contest, Makes Weird Faces, Probably Stoned.

  • Malmborg Implano

    They live in my butt and they sniff their own poo.

    • Dee Andee

      Not even good enough to sniff YOUR poo, are they? I thought not.

    • Ron Fresquez

      Priceless!!!

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    All right, I feel like stating for the record right here and now that if Trump and Perry are not both on that debate stage I ain’t even gonna watch it.

    To round out the 10 best, I want a Cruz, a Paul (old or young, no diff) the woman, the black guy the not-hyphenated guy (diversity, peeps, no worries, their mic’s will somehow not work), Wanker what’s his name, the fat one and the bald one.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      What about Lindsey?

  • Jennifer A

    “I can do bigger man things with my man parts than that pussy Donald Trump, only problem I’ll have is when I pull up too far and catch my HUGE BONER on the pull-up bar”

    Rick Perry and Donald Trump: giving new meaning to the President’s Physical Fitness Test since 2015

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Well the Republicans did say they were going to bring class back to the White House.
      Or was that white back to the class house? I can never get these talking points right

      • Vienna Woods

        I can never get these talking points dog whistles right. FIFY

  • Fartknocker

    Trump may be a rich, bloviating asshat but Former Gubnor Goat Fuck Lens Crafter Perry was the manlyiest of the manly men because while he was running on a private trail with a security team of 6 DPS officers in Austin, he shot a coyote pup with a 357 Magnum because he said it threatened him. The lesson learned from this event is that rather than avoid a confrontation Rick will love to push a button and blow some shit up and smile about it.

    Rick Perry is nothing but a C-minus Texas A&M Animal Husbandry graduate who who groomed by Karl fucking Rove and was lucky to be in the right place at the right time when GWB was elected by the SCOTUS to be president. He was an ineffective governor, exhibited a great deal of dickishness, and probably smiled when Texas executed prisoners, including Todd Willingham who was executed and later found to be convicted of flawed science.

    • Doug White

      Animal Husbandry??? So the rumors about what would happen if we let the gheys marry are TRUE??????? Damn…………..

    • marxalot

      So, big fan of the Hightower report, huh?
      Screw Gov Goodhair with the wooden horse on which he rode.

    • Biff52

      Heh. The gayest gay friend I’ve ever had is named Manley.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Well, naming your kid Manley is just asking for trouble, no matter what. It’s kind of the reverse of “A Boy Names Sue.”

    • Barbara Delaney

      I will never forget reading Trial by Fire written by David Grann about the Willingham case. Perry should be so deeply ashamed of executing that innocent man. I know it’s a cliche, but how does he sleep at night?

      • Dee Andee

        He sleeps like a baby. Sociopaths lack empathy. It would never even occur to him to pretend to care, unless he thought it might get him some positive spin.

    • proudgrampa

      How the fuck does a student in Animal Husbandry get a C-minus?

      • I am not sure, but I bet Rick Santorum can explain why.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        In polite circles, we call it “failure to launch.”

    • Celtic_Gnome

      He shot a coyote pup because it threatened him? Was it black?

  • marxalot

    Meanwhile (on RWW), the Trump(et) at the Dog Whistle Party effect is rolling on something fierce. Everybody’s trying to get some of that sweet air time.

  • I’m hoping for a talent portion as part of the BIG DEAL DEBATE.

    • Biff52

      And evening gowns! No swimsuits though, because gross.

    • TheBidenator

      Donald Trump’s talent will be filing lawsuits and declaring bankruptcy in rapid-fire fashion….

    • Angry_Cop

      Used to play bass for a living. For 20 years. Jesus. Anyhow, I’ve heard Huck play. Not mind-blowing great, but he holds it down just fine.

      He should have stuck to bass.

  • I’ve said it before, but the GOP debates would be far less painful if they included a physical challenge option.

    • Dee Andee

      It would definitely up the comedy ante!

      • Definitely. Besides, why should they only be covered with slime metaphorically?

        • Dee Andee

          Can they get slimed? Like on Nickelodeon? I want to see it. I WANT to SEE it!

    • Preferably one of those goofy ones where they bounce around on huge inflatable balls, get punched in the face by giant foam rubber fists, dunked in ice water, etc. while wearing silly outfits.

    • Zippy

      and a swimsuit competition

  • Last Hussar

    And this is why Japan conquered America until the counter invasion by Canada – FDR couldn’t do gym.

    • Beaumarchais?

      (Actually, he had tremendous upper body strength and could do pull-ups easily.)

  • Biff52

    Isn’t that squint ©Ben Carson?

  • Barbara Delaney

    Are you sure Perry didn’t challenge Trump as to who could fill more Pull-ups?

    Although, David Vitter could kick both their asses in that competition.

  • Callyson

    “Let’s get a pull-up bar out there and see who can do more pull-ups,” Mr. Perry replied.

    Pay per view or GTFO.

    • vivian

      Is there a pay per view option where They pay Us to watch?

    • Given Perry’s sophistication, I am surprised he didn’t challenge Trump to see who could do more 12 oz curls.

  • TheBidenator

    I’d like to see Trump attempt a pull-up, $10 says that dead animal on his head does the pull ups while he just stares all smugly at people with his arms folded.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      He hires undocumented Messicans with cantaloupe forearms to do his pull-ups.

  • Zippy

    Perry and Trump both have a boy penis? What boy did they get it from?

  • natoslug

    Perry looks quite Reaganesque in that last pic. Surely that makes him preznidental. Combined with the first pic, it also makes him look like he just dropped a load in his shorts and can’t remember who is supposed to clean him up. Hey, maybe he IS Reagan!

  • AKGrrl

    A “pull up contest’? Really? That’s what Perry came up with? That sounds more “white frat boy” taunt than Texas macho. Perry proves Trump’s right, he is a big pussy.

  • exinkwretch

    Because he’s a former guvnah, Rickie at least has some semblance of how government works in that dim bulb brain of his. Trump probably couldn’t name the three branches of government.

    • Trump: What the hell do trees have to do with anything, you stupid f@*%^ who isn’t has klassy and wealthy as me?

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Considering the condition of Texas when he left office, I don’t think you can say Perry even has any semblance of how government works.

  • azeyote

    probably meant pull up his pants – old people have to sit while they pee and they pee a lot

  • Maybe they should have a freestyle rap battle to settle this?

    • ryp

      Ask yourself, is this really something I want to see?

      • Not personally, but I think the reports on the Daily Show might be pretty funny.

  • docterry6973

    I might need to break my NoFox rule and watch the debate, just to see if they start slapping each other. Preferably with fish.

  • ryp

    What a doof. Now if he’d said,”I’ve taken shits with more class than Donald Trump”, I’d be impressed.

  • slongo

    I don’t know if he was trolling Trump, comparing the attack with 6th grade gym class, or if that’s just the best Perry can do. And that weird gay grin is best appreciated in the video. With the pant leg tugging.

  • LeftNotRightISIT

    Hard to tell unless they open their mouths.

  • But which one are we more likely to have a beer with? THAT’S the important issue the liberal media refuses to address!

  • They’re kinda late. Anyone who lived in California in the 2000’s already know that we used that qualification to select candidates for higher office.

  • Tansy Geek

    “Dude, do you even lift?” Perry did not say.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    Ew. Is that last picture Rick Perry’s O face?

  • Are we sure he didn’t say “who can jack more truckers off”?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    That could not have been a Texas audience — if it was, Perry would have pulled his gun out of his boot (which he totally would have had with him, because Texas) and challenged Trump to go shoot at stuff . . . and gotten a standing ovation.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Judging strictly by the pull-up test, Obama should get a third term. Think about that, Rick. (Rick scratches his leg, rolls his eyes, runs through about a dozen grins, grimaces and moues and falls off the dais. With votes.)

    • OneDemin EOr

      Only the Rick-Man can pull off a moue!

  • Ryan Denniston

    I’d pay some serious coin for them to appear on American Gladiators. Maybe even Wonkette monies.

    http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0096532/fullcredits/

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    He farted.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Well played, Rick! The best answer when someone questions your intelligence is always some variation of: “Well, I’m really strong!”

  • SadDemInTex

    Needs kittehs and guns

  • jmk

    So… can we gather from this that Perry’s campaign slogan will be

    “Rick Perry… strong like bull…

    …smart like tractor.”

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