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THAT'S NO MOON!!

Are you reading your Wonkette right now, getting all the important Donald Trump and Sarah Palin and Dana Perino’s husband arrested news? PROBABLY NOT! Our computer machine thingy is probably down RIGHT NOW!!! Funny story! Actually it isn’t, it is very boring, but what is funny is that our husband, Shypixel, is in charge of making the hamsters run for our Internet-machine to work, and the mean people who own the hamsters have killed all the hamsters, and then they are telling Shypixel HE IS THE REAL MURDERER!

DON'T BELIEVE THEIR LIES!!!!

And now Shypixel’s brains are essploding all over the computer screen and he is yelling and scaring the baby! Honey, stop scaring the baby!

Lucy, you've got some 'sploding to do!

Oh. Too late.

If you are a computer nerd man, we are sure Shy would love to tell you the whole boring nerd story in the comments, which we do not allow, but for the rest of you, we will make it simple: send us money. For the price of a 2012 Honda Civic, we can have a server that does not lie to us constantly to our face and call us murderers when we are not murderers, and other things of this nature and also the website going down for no fucking reason, also, too.

hamsters not included

And it would probably have less downtime!

Plus, it would make Kaili’s life easier if she didn’t have to spend half her time paging us back from maternity leave to tell us “503 error, panic panic!” or whatever she panics about, we don’t know, maybe THERMONUCLEAR WAR???

i'm sorry, i can't do that kaili

Don’t you want to make Kaili’s life better? What about Dok’s? We’re sure new servers would affect him, somehow, too. And our newest Wonket, Evan, we are sure he would much prefer a new server to a raise, he is making a perfectly livable wage for Tennessee.

Anyway, please send us like 10 grand for about a year’s worth of better servers that don’t make Shy angry (don’t worry, you would still like him when he’s angry) and maybe possibly the new server will be able to support the AD-FREE SUBSCRIPTION MODEL we are never going to give you ever but maybe someday we will give it to you, or not, who can even tell anymore? Certainly not us, we can’t tell anything any more.

mama i need my server changed

Hush the baby, give us some money.

The end.

Damn You Guys Are Good!
Damn You Guys Are Good!
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  • FauxAntocles

    Put it in the cloud! Everything’s better in the cloud!

    • Until it rains.

    • RecreationalPilot

      Just get indemnification insurance WHEN you data gets stolen. Not if, but when.

      • Luckily for us, we don’t keep any personally identifiable information on wonkette.com. They could steal our posts and blog schema, for what use it is to them…

        • JustPixelz

          No PII? That explains why when I’ve asked Michelle Obama to marry me in the comments, she hasn’t told me YES YES YES!

    • jqheywood

      There is no cloud. There are just other people’s computers.

      • Mhael

        There is no Cloud, there is only Sephiroth.

        • malsperanza

          OK, I wasn’t going to donate, but now I have to.

        • rebecca

          DON’T FORGET ZUUL.

          • marxalot

            There is no living in New Jersey Montana, only Zuul.

          • memzilla

            ~~~

          • data_ninja
          • mtn_philosoph

            They tell me it’s all happening at the Zuul. I do believe it, I do believe it’s true.

          • mtn_philosoph

            whoa-oH-OH! … WHOA-Oh-oh …
            whoa-oH-OH-OH! … WHOA-Oh-oh …

          • mtn_philosoph

            Hamsters turn on frequently.

        • data_ninja

          Man, you went deep. Nerd deep. I’m not sure you can find your way back after that one.

          • Mhael

            The multiple layers of nerdy fandom are pretty think there, I admit. ;)

      • arglebargle

        Huckabee believes in Jeebus more than the cloud.

        http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2015/07/27/mike-huckabee-faith_n_7881396.html

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I’ve mentioned this before…I hate, hate, HATE “the cloud”. As Jqheyood notes, it’s someone’s computer. THAT YOU HAVE NO CONTROL OVER.

        • data_ninja

          Word. Cloud == Someone else’s servers. I’m supposed to trust someone else with ALL of my shit? Piss off marketing buzz word!

  • Toomush_Infer

    Not fair!…

  • Bill Slider

    You have convinced me. Wonkette has been moved to the top of the list when I win Powerball, which should be any day now. In the meantime, I will check the sofa cushions, which have been known to be a more reliable source of revenue.

    • Malmborg Implano

      If you are a poor do not give monies to Wonkette, you must buy fresh fruit and vegetables to sustain yourself until the inevitable collapse of capitalism.

      • AnOuthouse

        You can get a free flag from that group of rednecks to hold you over.

  • AnOuthouse

    and Paypal says:
    Sorry — your last action could not be completed

    Maybe the link is boinked. Maybe I’m too high.

    I’ll try again later.

  • Lowkey3

    Shypixel, I am your fellow geek, so you can talk to me. What the fuck is happening.

    • I, too, am curious.

    • Basically: Old server set up, poor/overpriced CDN coverage, outdated caching software, unhelpful support. Their answer is for us to throw money at it, spin up new DB server, upgrade CDN, etc. But if we’re going to throw money at it, for the same upgrade in cost, we can be running a modern server, with fallback protection, 100% uptime, SSL support, and a WordPress focused caching and acceleration set up.

      English: For the same money, we could throw a new water pump in the ol’ Pinto, or we can trade it in for new Prius.

      • rebecca

        Shy, you didn’t tell them the part where they keep saying it is our cache that is fucking up and breaking everything, but every time our site goes down Alternet does too and they tell Alternet the same thing about it being *their* fault. That is my favorite part!

        • Ah, so you’re dealing with, at best, incompetence and, at worst, scum.

        • Lowkey3

          Well, that is all some bullcrap and we hate it. I sent you some Soros Funbucks, hope it helps.

        • arglebargle

          So you need cash for the cache. Tomorrow is payday, so what the hell… I spend half my work day here anyway. Don’t know what I’d do without you guys.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Ah, I love techies. They’re great a pointing fingers, but never see the three remaining fingers (and a thumb!) pointing back at them!

          • data_ninja

            “It’s Microsofts fault!!1!”

        • Biff52

          Just like how my 2005 Dodge is exactly like my 2005 Ford because I got identically-worded recalls on the driver-side airbags for both of them!

        • memzilla

          So, Wonkette is short on cache?

      • dslindc

        I don’t care for the Prius, but if we must, can it have racing stripes?

      • nmmagyar

        Couldn’t we just move the whole shebang to Yahoo Groups or GeoCities?

        • RecreationalPilot

          Ugh. I don’t know about Yahoo Groups. Bit of a downgrade from what they have.

        • SnarkTank

          I still have about 2,000,325 AOL CDs giving me a free month each….

      • Msgr_Moment

        ZOMG, don’t buttsechs the Pinto. Don’t buttsechs the Pinto!

      • data_ninja

        How eerie. I just went through an extremely similar experience with Godaddy last week for bad WordPressing (it’s a term now), and I took their advice and went with newer hosting. In return, they erased all of the email, because email == webhosting, somehow. I really hate their guts right now. I’ll see if I can help out with a car wash fundraiser or something. Good luck!

      • say wha

        Lost me at Basically.

      • Land Shark

        Time to move …

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Um, throwing money at things ONLY works for military matters.

      • Biff52

        And here I thought CDN=Canadian dollars.

      • RevZafod

        Norm? Prowler needs a jump.

      • Can you not auction your vintage server thingy on eBay? Antiques collectors and hipsters love anything “vintage.”

  • marxalot

    Dude, Shy, what is up? Wait, varnish. You running varnish on this?

    • And Varnish 3, at that.

      We cannot upgrade to 4 without re-spinning our server…

      • marxalot

        Ouch. Well, I’m not homeless anymore, so after payday maybe I’ll have some non-rent dollars to toss down your Well of Suffering (mine is owned and perpetuated by my employer). This is running WordPress, yeah? Have you considered Drupal? It has the advantage of not giving plugins (essentially) root, but I don’t know if that’s relevant for what you do and/or would require re-training the word monkeys.

        • snigsy

          I just love dirty talk.

        • jqheywood

          I do love the Drupal. I’m running it on a couple of sites.

  • cousin itt

    How can I be reading this when I can’t?

    Temporal vortex libel!

    • deanbooth

      Or commenting, even.

      • cousin itt

        You can’t explain that.

  • deanbooth

    I would have expected Wonkette to run on gerbils instead of hamsters.

    • Far too tempting…

      • Steverino247

        Tempting? You’re a handsome guy, but you’re no Richard Gere.

        • Remind me why I never banned you?

          • Steverino247

            I kept your better half (and three others) safe from fascists in Los Angeles one morning a couple years back?

            (And note that I’m no Richard Gere, either.)

          • Steverino247

            You know who else Shypixel didn’t ban…

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            All of us, Katie.

          • Steverino247

            I knew that was coming and you didn’t disappoint me!

          • That’s what he said!

    • RecreationalPilot

      At least hamsters can drive Kias.

  • elviouslyqueer

    If you are a computer nerd man, we are sure Shy would love to tell you the whole boring nerd story in the comments

    Could it be… Satan?

    • FauxAntocles

      I thought Satan was on our side!?!

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Hey, it was an accident. I was just, you know, attending to details. Maybe I shouldn’t have used Pledge to shine up Shy’s hard disk platters. (I’ll try Windex next time. Or maybe varnish … I think that’s what you’re supposed to use.)

    • Msgr_Moment

      All hail Seitan! Ramen.

  • Michael Smith

    Is like when the squad turnt but you stuck at home cuz you spent all your money on Wonkette?

    Sorry, I’ve been looking at a lot of memes.

  • kath1y

    The links on this page don’t work.

    If you want to donate CLICK ON THE DONATE BUTTON AT THE TOP OF THE PAGE. That works!

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      Or sign into PayPal, and click “Send money to friends and family.”
      Then identify rebecca@wonkette.com as your friend.

      • That seems presumptuous!

        • It’s how I met her. I just said, “Hey Trix, why wont you be friends with me on the facebook?”

          The rest is history, Sexy, sexy history.

          • snigsy

            Aaaaaw!

          • Captain Kraut

            So that means that all those people who pretend they want to be my “friends” on facebook in reality just want sex?

            Why oh why didn’t anyone tell me? I could have had sex all those years

          • Whale Chowder

            Something tells me that won’t work twice. At least not in the same way.

    • rebecca

      oh right duh. we forgot. evan is fixing now, thank you kathy!

    • Antimassacree

      The “Donate” button does indeed work. I would have just wasted those monies on food or shelter anyway, not something essential like Wonkette.

      • AnOuthouse

        There’s a nice group of rednecks that will give you a flag in your time of need.

  • lucidamente

    Isn’t it all explained in that book To Serve Man?

    • RecreationalPilot

      The IT Officer’s RTFM: To Server Man!

      • Msgr_Moment

        In Soviet Russia, you man the server.

  • timpundit

    Why does this happen right after I give you money? Whadja’ do, blow it all on moonpies and penny whistles?

    • AnOuthouse

      There isn’t anything else in Montana to spend it on.

      • Biff52

        Sheeps!

  • Msgr_Moment

    If I wanted to give money to somebody who frightens babbies, I’d be donating to Trump/Palin!

  • snigsy

    I can donate a kidney. Will that help?

    • I’d rather have a liver…

      • snigsy

        Sorry, it’s shot.

        • Ryan Denniston

          Wonkette diet?

    • Wouldn’t that short out the server?

    • AngryBlakGuy

      …Wonkette only excepts fetal body parts as a form of payment

  • dslindc

    I am not Donald Trump, so I am not really rich (nor do I have a YOOOOOGE tribble or ferret or whatever the fuck that thing is on my head), but I guess I could drink one less bottle of wine this week.

    The things we do to read the liberal mommy blog and not be able to comment!

    • Ryan Denniston

      And not work also too.

  • proudgrampa

    Did you make that babby cry? Well, DID YOU??!!??

  • cousin itt

    Who has got a sonic screwdriver?

    • Malmborg Implano

      I don’t but I bought one as a present for a friend of mine who’s going to cosplay the Twelfth Doctor, does that count?

      I just gave Wonkette $100 and I challenge all Whovians to also give monies to Wonkette.

      • Dee Andee

        You rocketh and stuff!

    • Bad Granny

      I just pointed the 11th Doctor’s sonic at the Wonkette, it should be fixed now, unless it’s made of wood.

      • SterWonk

        Or deadlock sealed.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      If it makes noise while you’re screwing, I think yor doing it rite

  • artem1s

    will the new server have a magical number generator that will poop out bitcoins?

  • lesterthegiantape

    AWKWARD SILENCE except for faint sound of moth flying from open wallet

    • rebecca

      I dunno. Our dog would very much like to eat that moth. Can you send it?

      • Zippy

        He’s just going to spit it back up and grind it into the carpet, trust me

    • Dee Andee

      Same here. :( I have 65 actual cents until Friday. Bleargh.

      • lesterthegiantape

        Jesus, now everybody knows. I’d stash that loot somewhere safe.

    • lesterthegiantape

      That’s 11 likes so far, which tells you exactly how many cheap bastards are standing behind me in the IOU line.

    • mtn_philosoph

      Me too, lester. I have been feeling like such a Taker ever since this crisis arose and the Bat Signal was turned on.

      • lesterthegiantape

        I taped a dime to a postcard but the stamp was a 1937 Hitler in Deutsche marks, so hoping for the best.

  • Candy Apple

    But I already send you an amount each month! Stop spending it on hookers and bathtub gin and be responsible by investing in some servers, aided in part from my paltry sums, please and thank you.

  • Is there another way to donate other than through PayPal?

    I let my account die and crumble to dust like DRACULA years ago and am loath to resurrect it.

    If there’s not another option I guess I’ll pull the stake out of its BLACK ASHES HEART and drench the whole mess with Bristol’s PURE VIRGIN BLOOD.
    Time I put up or shet up, I reckon.

    • Callyson

      You could probably mail a check to the Montana address:

      Wonkette
      PO Box 8765
      Missoula MT 59807

      • Msgr_Moment

        THAT’S an address?! Where’s the @ sign?

        • I keep inserting my debit card into the little tray, but the computer whirs and says it can’t read it.

          • SnarkTank

            Don’t be silly, that’s just a coaster for your coffee mug.

        • That’s not how you spell ‘Missouri’!

          Or Mississippi neither!

          (thanks)

  • Villago Delenda Est

    OK, needs more “we won’t cater no pizza to gheys!” or “Dylann Storm Roof and Siding is a lone wolf, there’s nothing to see here, send us monies!” if you’re going to be successful.

  • cousin itt

    Money doesn’t exist in the 24th century, just communizms.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …have you guys tried hiring “WICCAN SORCERESS” to exorcise the evil spirits from the server?!

    • Antimassacree

      Jet or rainbow colors for this? Hmmmmmm.

      • Dee Andee

        It depends on whether the server is ghey or straight.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Homeopathic computing or GTFO!

      • Lot_49

        Just give your computer a little virus to make it immune to the big scary ones.

        • data_ninja

          It’s true! If you install AOL on it, you probably won’t get any internet viruses (or for that matter, any internet).

      • mtn_philosoph

        Just write a little script that displays the words “GOOD TIMES” on your screen over and over again in an endless loop and save it to a 4GB thumb drive. Reformat the drive 30X, and then smack it on your mousepad four or five times. Plug it into an available USB port and you should be good to go.

  • Msgr_Moment

    The DOS screendump? I think that’s the problem.

  • azeyote

    someone told me to leave a bag of cash by the outhouse in Montana land – it wasn’t much

  • Get the Lion Killing Dentist to donate. Seems he’s got money to burn.

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    Do you accept exposure dollars?

  • shastakoala

    I was thinkin’ you could throw a little holy water on the problem. If that doesn’t work you can use the left over water as an alcohol chaser.

  • Callyson

    OK, fine: since I bitched about this problem on the Donald Trump global warming piece, I felt obligated and sent ten bucks. Go back to bed, Donna Rose…

  • Obligatory (pic):

    • SnarkTank

      I’m very disappointed that this isn’t the Russian guy named Peggy meme.

  • MrBlobfish

    Moochers

    • Biff52

      47%ers!

  • SK

    Done. Will do again soon.

  • YayConspiracy

    47% of the people commenting here, don’t even read your articles. They’re just here for the free ads.

    • arglebargle

      Well, those and the comments, if they were allowed.

    • I’m only here for the alt-text.

      • Bill Slider

        Don’t ever switch to reading Wonkette on a smartphone. I haven’t seen alt-text in years. Perhaps I need to pay extra for that.

        • We actually were talking about that in the seekrit chat cave earlier.

          We decided to make the alt text into captions on mobile.

          • pstockholm

            If you tap/expand the pic, the alt-text appears as a caption already on mobile.

          • Zippy

            speaking of alt-text

            *cough* wonkville *cough*

    • John Smith

      It’s a shame they don’t allow comments.

  • Lascauxcaveman

    I will up my monthly stipend (from extremely modest to extremely modest x2) when the PayPal opens up first thing tomorrow. Honest!

    (And I think that’s a late-1980s Honda Civic in the picture, not a 2012.)

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      It’s got 2012 hamster wheels under the hood, though.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      1988. I had that one. In that color, too!

  • OrdinaryJoe

    Don’t take the Confederate dollars.

  • JustPixelz

    Have you tried printf(“hello worldn”) ??? (That is the limit of my I.T. knowledge now that I’ve retired.)

  • MrBlobfish
    • snigsy

      What’s in those big hats? Trump furries?

      • Dreads, mon, dreads.

      • Steverino247

        Speaking as a guy who used to deal with these assholes at Panmunjom, the correct answer is they’re small people who, as a group, are extremely sensitive to that fact. All their buildings at the Joint Security Area are one meter, taller, wider, longer, etc. The hats are to make them feel bigger than they are. South Koreans, thanks to much improved nutrition, are growing larger over time while the North Koreans, thanks to much improved Kim Control of Everything Edible, are growing shorter over time.

        • snigsy

          That’s just sad. Still, I sense some sort of affinity between Trump and the latest Dear Leader (or whatever this latest one is called).

          • MrBlobfish

            Trump would totally rock a Dear Leader hairdo.

          • Steverino247

            It’s sad for the children and peasants at the bottom of North Korean society. For soldiers of the Korean People’s Army? Fuck ’em.

          • Lot_49

            How tall is Trump, anyway? He exhibits all the symptoms of an acute case of Short Man Syndrome, even though the Internet claims he’s 6’2″.

          • TxSpinyLizrd

            Maybe he’s 5′ 6″ with 8″ of hair.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They say it’s all happening at the zoo. I do believe it! I do believe it’s true!

    • Pierre_de_Fermat

      A kepi? The North Koreans want that certain je ne sais quoi that comes from a kepi?

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Those North Korean 3-D monitors must be pretty freaking awesome, if they require binoculars!

  • ShriekinViolet

    Have you tried turning it off and then on again?

    Sorry, that’s the extent of my tech knowledge. I’ll show myself to the Donation page.

    • leemoder

      Punching the screen works sometimes never.

      • AngryKatie

        In a fit of pique last week I kind of whacked my non-functioning tablet against the table (I may also too have been a little drunk). I nearly injured myself laughing when I discovered that it “fixed” it.

        Holy shit, maybe I’m an IT witch.

  • data_ninja
    • Angry_Cop

      I am in my second decade as a “web dude”. This is as accurate a picture as any you’ll ever see about what I do. I don’t share it with most people as I want them to respect mah authoritah.

      • Angry_Cop

        Also, if anything this understates the idiocy of the average user.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          LUSER. Please, proper terminology! Of course, I’m approaching this from a “manager of sysadmins” point of view.

          • Angry_Cop

            I got in a world of hurt for using that term as a test account once, so I try not to write it out.

            However, they can’t ban it from my thoughts.

        • AngryKatie

          My company’s CEO is less computer literate than your average gerbil, but he likes the think otherwise. His response to any IT problem will be one of the following:
          >put it in the cloud
          >use SalesForce (hysterically, he doesn’t really know what SalesForce is, he just knows they’re a Big Deal and they have offices all around us)
          >make “them” fix “it”
          >”hack it”
          >social media, or sometimes “facebook it” he thinks maybe too pinterest, but his email request that one of the women in the office explain the pinterest to him and show him how to use it has yet to be fulfilled
          >spend more money on marketing

          • Villago Delenda Est

            >spend more money on marketing

            The tell that he’s a Rethuglican.

          • AngryKatie

            Close, Marin liberal with MASSIVE republican daddy issues.

          • Angry_Cop

            Oy. I don’t miss NorCal (well, I do) but those damn Marinites are fucking insufferable.

          • Angry_Cop

            My CEO is actually somewhat conversant with the basics, but her approach is to march into my office, demand a solution, and then send out an email that bears a somewhat confused resemblance to what I told her, and even less resemblance to the email I sent out with the solution the day before.

        • Zippy

          I get so tired of explaining to my boss that he did not in fact save that document in MS Word

        • arglebargle

          An oldie, but a goodie…

          “Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.”

          George Carlin

      • data_ninja

        Yes, I love this video because it is almost surreal on how accurate it is. Spare the server and spoil the end user.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Now I can’t find anything!”
      “It’s alphabetical!”

  • Did you try unplugging everything, and plugging it all back in again?

    • Objectifer

      An IT professional I see.

      • I heard about a “spud server” in the wild west days of the internet. They should try one of those.

  • Ricky Gay

    I sended 50 bux a day ago check your box!

  • MrBlobfish

    Crap. I guess this means I gotta work now. Thanks, Barack HUSSEIN Obama

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …now that I have donated, I DEMAND broad editorial control of Wonkette!!! The following changes should be implemented immediately!!!

    -When addressing bizarre and weird stories coming out of Florida, the writer will clearly state “South” or “North” Florida. S.Floridians are tired of being lumped in with our chromosomally deficient neighbors in the panhandle!!!

    -The immediate termination of “500 days of Kristen”!!! Ok, ok, I know you guys aren’t affiliated with that, but a man can wish!?

    -A new ongoing thread will be established, where every Monday every Wonkette columnistmust must publish their weekend drunk text.

    • Vecciojohn

      I for one welcome our angry new overlord.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        And remind him that the minions will be delighted to oversee all the teatards who will be put to useful work in the underground sugar mines.

    • elviouslyqueer

      A new ongoing thread will be established, where every Monday every Wonkette columnist must must publish their weekend drunk text.

      Wait. Y’all only drink on the weekends?

      Pffft, amateurs.

  • If you need a server made out of wood, I do those!

    This one holds 3 litres of Tres Generacions and miscellaneous other liquid applications.

    Please consider using my measly monthly remittance for an emergency thirst aid kit for times like these.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Did you make that? Gorgeous! Send one to me, stat!

    • Lot_49

      Nice work! Are the door panels bookmatched olive wood?

      • Bookmatched spalted curly maple. Does look a bit like some olive wood I have tho.

        • Lot_49

          And the frames and top are walnut?

          I’m guessing the name James Krenov might be familiar to you.

          • Claro walnut frames, you are correct. Krenov was and always will be an inspiration. The College of the Redwoods carries on his good work thankfully.

          • Lot_49

            Beautiful work!

          • Thanks!

        • Lascauxcaveman

          Aw, man. I loves me some spalted woods. I got lucky on some lumberyard spalted pine that I just had to turn into a guitar top for my personal thinline tele; probably my favorite of all the guitars I’ve made.

          • Toomush_Infer

            Beautiful – I’ve got some lovely spalted maple if you want it…I usually make countertops out of it, but I’ve got plenty…

      • RevZafod

        Is that Jeebus on the doors? Make money by calling it a shrine and charge admission, er, voluntary donations.

        • You know, you’re right. That explains why my client in San Francisco exclaimed, “Jesus Christ!” when I delivered the piece and handed him the bill.

  • MrBlobfish

    THE SERVER PROBLEMS ARE COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!!!!!1

  • Steverino247

    Use my donation to buy some of THESE hamsters…

    http://store.miniwargaming.com/images/P/hamster.jpg

  • Vecciojohn

    I once had an IT guy blame an unfixable problem on something I was using that turned certain words into French words on a guy from France who sold the company the program. I figured he knew what he was talking about because he was the kind of guy whose email signature was followed by an italicized inspirational quotation from Ronald Reagan.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Also too, bind it in duct tape and give it a good coat of WD-40. I will send when i get home.

    • jmk

      Me also too. No way I’m giving my work computer my PayPal info.

    • nmmagyar

      This sounds more like a baling wire fix

      • Ryan Denniston

        I grew up learning that some problems are fixed with duct tape, some by drinking Nyquil, and other.

        • Zippy

          duct tape and Nyquil

          sounds like a night at Bill Cosby’s house

          • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

            Those are his lawyers…

          • Ryan Denniston

            HAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

        • SnarkTank

          Didn’t any of you people see “My Big Fat Greek Wedding”???? WINDEX, PEOPLE!

  • leemoder

    Awright, awright! Take my money; just don’t hit the face!

  • Zippy

    So Ben the intel guy/marine was right… WW3 has indeed started and those wily Iranians have launched a surprise Jihad against Teh Wonket servers.

    • Vecciojohn

      They hate us for our freedom. And our buttsechs jokes. And our dick jokes. And our goat blowing jokes. And the one about the seven foot tall nun who joined the circus and the blind female impersonator.

      • arglebargle

        Waitwaitwait, I’ve heard this one. They walk into a bar, amirite?

    • Legion32

      “You’re in over your head, aint you?”

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I was busy with the guild raiding Hellfire Citadel last night, so I missed Ben. You people certainly did a very good impersonation of a cat playing with a mouse with the twit. Very entertaining even if I wasn’t there live.

      • dshwa

        He was amusing while I watered up after a night of hard drinking to avoid a hangover.

  • Vecciojohn

    Computers are our servants, and like most servants they work better if you curse them loudly and constantly threaten physical violence until they do what you want.

    • dslindc

      Sister Peggy Noonan, is that you?

    • Lot_49

      No percussive maintenance? That works, sometimes.

  • Gorillionaire

    Didn’t Ed Wood fund his Plan 9 movie by convincing a bunch of dumb Xtians that he was making a Jesus movie? Well there ya go.

  • memzilla

  • Steverino247

    Don’t try to conceal the evidence. I’ve seen the Hamster Ovens near Missoula on Google Earth.

    • Zippy

      yum, hamster kabobs

  • Joshua Norton

    Has anyone tried to reboot anything yet? That usually fixes every known problem in the computing universe. Just ask customer support.

    Oh, and if that doesn’t work, reinstall all your software.

    You’re welcome.

  • Zippy

    Try Format C:

    • superdave

      rm -rf /*

      • AntiDerpomeme

        Geek!

        • Zippy

          when in doubt- Ctrl+Z

      • natoslug

        don’t forget your sudo/su, or are you one of those madmen who always log in as root?

        • superdave

          Dang. You’re right. Nerd fail.

        • OzoneTom

          I’ve never understood the popularity of Sudoku.

          • Zippy

            aren’t those the cars that all the lesbians drive?

          • Biff52

            Or su su sudio.

        • data_ninja
    • Msgr_Moment

      And whatever happened to A: and B:?! Thanks Obama!

      • Zippy

        He’s even done away with my optical drive- what a dictator!!1!

      • RevZafod

        A: was big, but old and floppy. B: was a little younger but smaller, and was only semi-hard on the outside, but with age and all, they never could get fully hard like C:, so they died out before Viagra was invented.

        A little-known bit of computer history.

  • Vecciojohn

    Damn, these good for nothing lazy websites on welfare. All right, I’ll send more money, but don’t go spending it on crab legs and medicine for the baby, you takers.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Woah. First the hackers hit Planned P-hood, and now the Wonkettez is down? And my own computer is also really dodgy these days, also, too. Wake up sheeple! I hope all you libertards are running good anti-virus software.

    Check is in the mail, yo.

  • Zippy
    • Villago Delenda Est

      “The internet? Is that thing still around?”

  • vivian

    GoFundMe time! Just write a post about how Obama shut down your intertubes for the puppy thing, stole your flag, and is making you gay marry a liebrul abortitian and watch the cash flow in!

    • Vecciojohn

      If this isn’t a clear violation of Wonkette’s sacred Second Amendment right to freedom of speech and religion then I don’t know the Constitution!

  • natoslug

    My server’s been down, but mainly because I haven’t taken her out on date night in a few weeks.

    • Vecciojohn

      Henny Youngman, ladies and gentlemen! How about a big hand for the king of the one-liners?

      • Zippy

        Take my server, please!

        • natoslug

          Damn, too fast. I was trying to remember if that was a Henny Youngman or Rodney Dangerfield line before posting, and then got lost remembering bits and pieces of Caddyshack. I should really cut back on the thinking. Or “thinking.”

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      In my experience, that usually stops them from going down.

  • superdave

    All right. I kicked in enough to get a couple of cocktails, presumably to be dumped on the server.

    • Vecciojohn

      That’s what Canadian whisky is for. Never pour real booze on a server.

    • AngryBlakGuy

      …you can get 2 liters of Skol Vodka for 8 bucks! Thats how I made it through college!!!

  • natoslug

    I hate paypal, but am too lazy to track down a stamp and envelope and pen and check, so paypal it is. Boy, that page gets pissy when you forget to put in a donation amount . . .

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …when I was a server I went down all the time!!! In fact I charged extra for that; how else do you think I got my wife?!?!

  • dslindc

    Have you tried taking the server to the Abortionplex™? They have ample parking and free slut pills.

  • elpinche

    I had to dip into my whiskey money, but done.

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      Guess it’s going to be a turpentine kinda weekend for the wonkeratti . . .

      • Zippy

        Sterno or GTFO!

        • Vecciojohn

          I’m fucked. All I have on hand is a half pint of vanilla vodka that I’m saving to swallow with an assload of barbiturates in case I don’t die right away when The Earthquake!™ hits.

          • Jus_Wonderin

            Question: Will my wood chipper spin up after the Earthquake?

        • Fitzgerald Chesterfield
      • elpinche

        Paint thinner…I’ll be dumb as rightwinger and ready for those foxnews debates.

  • Wombat

    So now that I’ve given you all my monies, are comments allowed?

    • Vecciojohn

      Don’t get smart or you’ll be banned from the comments section. If they ever add one.

  • Vecciojohn

    Does your computer have a keyboard with that top row of buttons that has like little letters and shit on them? Sometimes one of those will work for some things.

  • Zippy
    • Vecciojohn

      Watch out. Those things will accept a $5 bill but they won’t give you any change.

    • dslindc

      Is that a Packard Bell?

      • Zippy

        back before Carly fucked things up. I used to tech support a buddy who had an old Packard Bell hand-me-down- it was fascinating, like working on a museum piece

        • dslindc

          or rather “working” as they were relatively famous for not doing that.

          • Lot_49

            It was such a brilliant bullshit name: the genius of David Packard, the reliability of Ma Bell. And you got neither.

          • data_ninja

            I always called ’em “Packaged Hell”. It seemed to fit.

        • fka_donnie_d

          When I worked in a shop they used to be called “alien sex toys” because no component was compatible with any other manufacturer

    • Msgr_Moment

      I’d that going in out coming out? Also, I’d like creamer and ONE packet of sugar please.

    • fka_donnie_d

      Classic. I didnt know anyone had made a picture

  • Independently Yours

    All I had was a widow’s mite, but in my heart it was $100,000!!

  • Gleem-McShinez

    I added a pittance to my other pittance, so there’s more pittances over there. PITTANCE PARTY

  • iamnotsteven

    hello wonkette i have paypalled you some moneys for yr server as i read this hoary blog every frigging day and i have never before give the money to you and your babby and your sadness makes me sad (and a guilt feeling but whut is that) because i work in a office with servers and i am so wrath when they crash for no fucking reason so i feel your sad and wrath, but if i paypalled incorrect pls sorry i am new to the internets, and now i have turded up your nonexistent comments with too many more wordz than my many moneys are worth or wait unless i sent you many monkeys instead through the paypals oh shit.

    • sw19womble

      needs moar punctuashun, but otherwise pretty good for a maiden speech! :)

      • Biff52

        A little slack–iz hard to snark while staring at the floor!

      • dshwa

        A distinct lack of ALL CAPS also too.

    • rebecca

      look it is our new writer!!!

      • Vecciojohn

        He can read writin’ and write reading’, and them’s the main qualifiers.

    • TxSpinyLizrd

      I think i love you.

  • say wha

    Please, Wonkaderos, let us all bow our heads and pray……
    Dear (fill in the blank) Father/Mother/Other of all sentient and non-sentient beings, we humbly ask that you use your All Mighty Power to reboot, restore and resuscitate the ailing and failing servers which deliver our daily Wonkette. We beseech You, oh Mighty (fill in the blank), to use your Wonderous Healing Powers in the name of all things vile and snarky. We pray that Trix and Shy and Babby will no longer suffer at the hands of technological gaffs, and that they may dwell in happiness, forever. Amen.

  • Bill Slider

    When you get the new server, consider selling the old one, if it’s the original Wonkette server, to The Newseum in Washington, DC. Or, donate it to them, then tax deduct it. While neither might be much, surely it would make Gawker and other lesser quality blogs extremely jealous.

    • But we don’t know how to permanently remove all of our salacious emails, unlike some people we have heard of…

      • Zippy

        That’s why God invented sledge hammers- amazing what one of those things will do to a HDD

        • Marc

          True dat.

          Nuke them from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.

          Physical destruction is the only way to ensure a data wipe. Make sure the platters are destroyed.

          Platters = old fashioned way of saying disks.

          • whitroth

            Not these days. The way they store data, I’ve seen it seriously argued, by folks who know, that one overwrite of the disk is enough. At work, I use dban, and go way overboard – set it for DoD 5220.22-M – that’s seven passes over the whole disk, and walk away. A day or so later, depending on the size of the drive, and it’s unrecoverable.

            mark

        • sw19womble

          TOM BRADY LIBEL!!!!!smash!!!!!

        • Objectifer

          Thermite is the only sure way. So I’m told.

      • whitroth

        Hi, there, shypixel. You call it a server – is it a rackmount, or tower?

        What failed – if it’s not the h/d, you can just shove it into a new server. If you’re having problems with needing more disk space, and you want to dispose of the old drives, AND THEY STILL WORK, use dban (dban.org). It’s what I use at work, and I have to sign papers that it’s SANITIZED.

        One thing: for a server, DO NOT GET CONSUMER GRADE HARD DRIVES!!! They make real servers gag (email me if you really want the gory details). Best bet – what we do: get a server with hot-swap bays, but only a root drive (or two of them, and RAID 1 them), then buy something like WD Reds – servers *do* like them, they’re about 1.3-1.5 times the price of consumer drives… and well under half the price of “enterprise grade” drives. Say, under $160 for a 4TB drive. With a decent warranty.

        mark “yes, I’m a sysadmin
        for a living”

        PS: and if the drives don’t work either get them deGaussed… or else there’s always the old standby of thermite….

      • Bill Slider

        Her server came to mind. Perhaps she would donate it to you, for votes, and freedom. I’ll bet it’s an above average Best Buy server for sure, maybe with a special control+alt+delete button. She can’t be all that IT literate. Neither am I, as I only worked in large organizations that had full-time IT people, plus more full-time IT people off site that could remote into my computer from out of state and correct, fix, solve all of my problems, real or imagined. They were contractors located in West Virginia. The contract likely was cheaper than IT contracts that are with DC based firms.
        You may want to look into fedgov IT contracting if you can find some Mountain/Pacific time zone contracts. Donna Roseight be beyond diapers by the time you land one as they are beyond slow. I have read they literally need 50,000 cyber security types.
        The govt, or good universities are offering grants to intice people at both BS and MS level. Master’s program does not require a bachelor’s in cyber security. I am a scientist, political science counts, right?

      • SterWonk

        Bake it to above the Curie temperature, and you’re fine – the data is gone at the physical layer, and nothing will get it back.

        dban is fine too, but the whole seven-passes thing someone else mentioned is way, way wrong for modern technology – with the modern encodings, a single overwrite is good enough make it unrecoverable to all but the most ridiculously interested (i.e. willing to spend lots of time and money).

        (I’m the drive expert at a storage company. I know what I’m talking about.)

        • data_ninja

          Mmmm dban. Write it to a bunch of discs and write “Boot me!” on it. Then leave them everywhere. Fun!

          • Dee Andee

            Republican National Convention “Freebie” prank? Oh heavens no, I’d NEVER think that way.

          • data_ninja

            I like your style of thinking. But what could we write on a CD cover that would guarantee them to pick it up and put it in their computer?

            Deleted Benghazi Emails?
            Original Kenyan Birth Certificate?

            Jade Helm 2016 plans?

          • nmmagyar

            Hot gay teen sex

          • Dee Andee

            Hmmmm… *evil grin*

            19 Kids and Counting…the Bedroom Tapes?
            Huckabee’s One Weird Trick for Getting ALL the Monies?
            Trump & Palin–Humping To Da White House?

          • SterWonk

            Dude, not cool! :-(

        • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

          Accessing the built-in ATA Secure Erase command just seems to be too much work for some folks. Or it can’t be any good because it’s free. Or maybe it’s just not as much fun as a hammer…

          • SterWonk

            Or – most likely – there isn’t an obvious button to click or simple command to type.

            (Also too, it can be awkward to get the OS to handle an ATA command which can take an arbitrarily long time to run. Believe me, I’ve tried. :-S)

  • Zippy

    OK, I’m sending a partial roll of S&H Green Stamps, an expired gift certificate to Best Buy, a metric crescent wrench and a Ronco Pocket Fisherman for Shy, some Cubic Zirconia whore diamonds and a half eaten MilkBone for the dog (mine was none too keen on giving that up- excuse the blood)

    • Malmborg Implano

      Oh, bless your heart. :>

  • Legion32

    C://dos
    C://dos.run
    run.dos.run

    Needs moar DHCP scope!!”!

    • Objectifer

      C:

  • WHY AREN’T YOU USING THE OFFICIAL SERVER??? HUH??? BENGHAZI!!11!1!!

  • Greg Fuderer

    gotta love “Memento”

  • dslindc

    Have you tried a second amendment remedy? The RWNJs keep telling us that it’s the best solution when things get bad.

    • arglebargle

      Not always as effective as prayer, but much more satisfying.

  • sw19womble

    Fucking hell! I just gave Wikipedia ten bucks (well, eight, given the exchange rate) today! Moochers!!!!!!

    Alright then, I send you more moneez ahead of my usual quarterly/when I remember tithe for having my own diy “ad free” *cough* wonkette time.

    Sort it aht , Shy, you wanker!

    • And here i thought I had the drapes shut last night…

      • sw19womble

        Dammit! I knew I should have paid extra for the super-silent night vision goggles! :/

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Can’t you just say something outrageous ’bout baking for the Gheys and get a GoFundMe up and running?

  • Logic of Color

    No new blogposts, eh? Guess I’ll venture…(gulp) outside

    • We’re all having fun on Twitter. Come join us!

      • Joshua Norton

        You’ll probably break Twitter as well.

        • AntiDerpomeme

          I’d much rather have Queen Rebecca Editrix and her loyal minions breaking the Intertubes than that empty-headed Kardasian with the bodacious buttocks.

      • r m reddicks

        Shypixel, that’s one run I will never make.

  • WIDTAP

    I am going to have to set up my account all over again or use my Facebook account to leave comments, aren’t I.

    • orygoon

      If you hate paypal, there is a PO address. I think it works–I sent money a little while ago and it didn’t come back.

      • rebecca

        Orygoon! we picked up your fat cash yesterday!

        (YOU ARE NOT SUPPOSED TO SEND CASH IN THE MAIL.)

        Thank you sweet thing, we love you.

        • orygoon

          Uh, I love you too, and whatever is wrong with cash? I love our postal service, stuff almost never gets lost or stoled.

          • orygoon

            And, sadly for y’all, it wasn’t a hugely nontrivial sum. Sorry about that.

  • Marc

    I gave ten, even though I currently have no income.

    It’s cheaper than anti-depressants.

    I’ll give more when I get work. If you need some tech help I can help you get on the cloud.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Hmm, that Thermometer looks like a cock. Okay, I will give more. Ha.

    • sw19womble

      Say, you know who else looks like a cock?

  • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

    Well, dang, and I went and turned all my old 486/Pentium junk into gold scrap (just in time, before the price fell). Mighta been something in that (rather large) pile you coulda used. Wait…sounds like maybe you are…

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    what kind of servers do you use? I’ll guess Linux, but that is just a guess. Or is Shy going all out for Windows Server 2012?

    • CognizantImpiety

      Windows Server 2012? Might as well get an abacus.

      Linux or bust!

      • Pierre_de_Fermat

        And which distro did you have in mind?

        • Land Shark

          Oooo! Distro Flame War™!

          I’ll get the popcorn!

      • SterWonk

        FreeBSD LIBEL!!!!

  • Msgr_Moment

    And remember, RAM is a verb. That’s all the computer advice I can think of right now.

    • nmmagyar

      The CD drive is NOT a cupholder

      • Msgr_Moment

        Then why did God make it hold cups so well?

        • nmmagyar

          He has a sick sense of humor; not that I want to start any rumors, blasphemous or otherwise

    • Biff52

      RAM is also a truck. To hang nutz from.

  • CognizantImpiety

    “IT Support, have you tried turning it off and then back on?”

    • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

      “Do you still have the box it came in?”

    • Logic of Color

      “Which operating system are you running”
      “Windows Vista”
      “WE ARE GOING TO DIE!”

      • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

        Just for S&G I installed that OS on a test rig the other day, for the very first time ever. Holy shit, everything they say about Vista is true. I don’t see how they had the nerve to continue in the software biz after that…

        • Zippy

          you know what’s funny? I have a laptop that still runs it (7 won’t upgrade and I’ve been too lazy to do a clean install- besides I spend 99% of my time on my MBP) and it always ran fine, never really had any serious issues with Vista. Now ME OTOH…

          • Meanie-meanie, tickle a person

            Microsoft’s thing is, every few years they just absolutely HAVE to come out and move everybody’s cheese…

      • data_ninja

        *taps mic*

        So, somebody asked Arnold Schwarzenegger if he would be upgrading his computer to Windows 10. He replied “I still love Vista, Baby.”

        Please remember to tip your servers!

    • TootsStansbury

      It’s crying outs for the ID10T code!

  • vivian

    Twenny, twenny, twenny-four hours a… oops. I am sedated. And you should be twenty squids tallers if the PayPal pals don’t make off with it. God’s peed on your Hamster Revivification Tour 2015! (not that I think I’m Trump, or God, or anything, but as a sideways blessing on your pointed heads.)

  • Msgr_Moment

    I keep reading about something called The Singularity. Maybe that’s what happened?

    • riledupone

      Ew, I hope I don’t get any quarks on me or anything. They’re so hard to get out.

  • PirateCafe

    I once saw a cartoon: strike any key. With a hammer.

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Wow, already past 40% of financial goal?! Nice going Wonketeers!

  • Y’know what?

    I am posting this from our new cloud based hosting. They were THAT fast. I might owe somebody a blowjob…

    • Marc

      Feel free to spit, you don’t owe them that much.

    • Land Shark

      No swallowing. That’s for five 9s uptime.

    • Zippy

      I want my Green Stamps back…

    • superdave

      Just close your eyes and think of England.

      • vivian

        ew. clenched jaws and lousy teeth…

    • Jay Leno: Can you hold on a minute, Shypixel? I have some timely jokes from my “Lewinsky, Monica” file I have to dig out.

    • Land Shark

      Has Donna Rose quieted down? That is the only measure of success in this endeavor ….

    • Steverino247

      No comment.

    • rebecca

      honey are you offering to fellate people again? ok carry on.

      • Vecciojohn

        Don’t you just love having a real handyman around the house?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Steak and blowjobs for everyone!

      • Zippy

        Pssst. That’s not steak sauce…

  • vivian

    Not to be a know-it-all or anything, but you might have an issue with your fan belt. When was the last time you belted a fan? Hold on, my timing is off.

    • sw19womble

      … or even felted a ban?

      • vivian

        I think somebody felt a ban[hammer] earlier today.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Hey, I sent you monies last week. Did you blow it all on booze and dope?

    • Zippy

      wouldn’t you?

      • Anarchy Pony

        Yes.

    • rebecca

      what do YOU think???

  • aureolaborealis

    Idea:
    Step 1: “Halp GoFundMe! Homos, big-government sex-perverts and other liberal scum keep posting their comments on my server. I need eleventy-hundred-thousand dollars for a new server! For the children! And my feels!”
    Step 2: Profit?

    • sw19womble

      When we hear Editrix and Mr Pixel have headed off to Vegas on their new private jet, we’ll know the fix is in!

      • elviouslyqueer

        See, this could be a Creflo Do$$ar joint, with Trix, Shy, and BabbyWonk crying that they will be raptured up to the Pearly Gates if we don’t cough up.*

        *Some restrictions apply, your atheism may vary, see dealer for details.

  • Msgr_Moment

    I’ll bet it’s hamsters all the way down.

  • Jus_Wonderin

    Hamsters? You mean Wonkette doesn’t run on Gerbils????????

  • Beaumarchais?

    Done! Don’t forget the generic thank-you robo-email with a whiff of sincerity, a dash of sideboob, and a soupçon of buttsechs.

  • elviouslyqueer

    I have done donated, and now I am Wonkette’s Hero.

    BOW DOWN, ALL Y’ALL MOTHERFUCKERS.

    • Zippy

      by SOMEONE WHO LOVES YOU, VERY MUCH

      *sobs* and here I thought I was special…

      • Msgr_Moment

        Zippy, you are “Sarah” special.

        • Zippy

          I don’t understand it- they keep calling me Special Ed, but my name’s not Ed

          • Biff52

            YAYYyyyy!

    • Baby, you have ALWAYS been my hero.

    • aureolaborealis

      Held der Wonkheit!

  • Anarchy Pony

    Wonking, a strange game, the only winning move is not to comment.

    • fka_donnie_d

      You win – go home

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    OK, OK, cripes, I gave again. And I never got to one of the drinky things. And now Trix has an infant, so I guess those days are past. But when Shy said he was posting from the new Wonkette, I knew I could live under the bridge another few months.

    • Biff52

      Shy Donna Rose broke teh Editrix!

  • dshwa
    • Ahh… the old fashioned “percussive maintenance!” Surprising how many times that works, particularly if one performs it on the people who are running the servers ….

    • Spotts1701

      “American Components, Russian Components, ALL MADE IN TAIWAN!!!”

  • Clay Denton

    I sent a huge amount of money. Okay, so it was $10. Start writing!

  • Zippy

    Do you guys take Dogecoin?

    • Who doesn’t?

      • Zippy

        I invested all mine in Tulip futures…

        • Beaumarchais?

          Any day, now…

        • Zyxomma

          I read Tulipomania (got it for my birthday), an entire book on the tulip madness that gripped The Netherlands (which never sounded dirty before, but it does now, this being Wonkette). I gave it to an economist friend, who didn’t enjoy it as much as I did.

          • riledupone

            I really enjoyed that book too. I hate tulips though.

  • Wonkaholic

    Okay, I’ll send monies, but only because of the cuteness overload of Dr. Babby in her Butterstick t-shirt. Oh, and for the hamsters also, too, I guess.

  • Amy!

    Harrumph. PayPal dis-loves me (which is okay, usually, ’cause I don’t like them any either). Annoying at the moment, though (they do this with some other people, but not all of the other people … truly irritating). Falling back to <gasp /> surface mail. Sorry for delay in receipt and stuff.

  • dshwa

    I’m not sure you should bother, since Tehran is going to be destroyed in 2-3 weeks and all us commetors live there.

    • Anarchy Pony

      That guy sure was a hoot.

      • dshwa

        Yeah, it was fun when he started contradicting himself right before the hammer came down.

        • Anarchy Pony

          Oohh, I missed that part…

          • Zippy

            he got a bit flustered

          • dshwa

            That’s what happens when they venture out from the bubble into the real world. Suddenly there’s smart people who know things all around them, and who do logics an stuff. Then it’s all tears and name calling.

          • Zippy

            Then it’s all tears and name calling

            so, kinda like when they finally convince someone to have sex…

          • Amy!

            Tears and name calling are extra. C’mon, do you have the twenty bucks or not?

          • dshwa

            The best part was when he claimed the British were going to be the ones who would attack Tehran, as if GB hadn’t signed the treaty.

    • Amy!

      No, no we don’t. I certainly don’t. Any reports to the contrary are not operative.

      Please can I have sprinkles on my ice cream now?

      • Zippy

        I hope you don’t mind glow in the dark sprinkles

        • dshwa

          Turn the blacklight off.

          • Zippy

            I had it on to watch the thermometer ejaculate

      • dshwa

        Sprinkles are for winners.

        • Amy!

          *sobs*

          But I was ssssoooooooOOOOOOOOOOOO TIRED!

          And where will I get moar munniez to spend on teh Wonkette’s gerhamsterbils, when I hafta (not) pay my (not) handler 50 million rials for (not) breaking operational securitehz?

          It’s. Not. FAIR!

          • dshwa

            Fine, but you can only haz chocolate sprinkles, not the rainbow ones.

          • Amy!

            Chocolate glow in the dark sprinkles. Zippy said!

            *sigh* This evening’s going to be much less thrilling than last, with no Wonkette to obsess over.

  • herrointment

    Monies?

    A patio umbrella, a bunch of potato chip bags and some glue and you’ll have yourself a dandy high-gain internet-type thingy that will put the Bell network to shame.

    Ok…monies.

  • Blender_415

    I couldn’t see alt text in the email version, so I had to come here to donate and not comment.

  • BeachLoafer

    Ok, I sent moneez to feed the hamsters/gerbils/baby/whatever, but for the love of all that is holy and right, youz guyz *really* need a path to citizenship or, better yet, to no fucking ads!!!, because your javascript is lethal to anyone actually trying to read shit.

  • docterry6973

    I can send you a gerbil as soon as I am done with it.

    • rebecca

      lol gross.

  • natl_[redacted]_cmdr

    I am sending teh Wonket all the good vibes. That’s all I got.

  • Ilgattomorte

    Okay I donated, but nothing is free. I expect to be paid back in dick jokes. Lots and lots of dick jokes.

  • georgiaburning

    Sending some bucks, so no scotch for me this weekend. But there’s a 40 in the fridge to get me through the deleted comments. Cheers

  • Spurning Beer

    You accept Confederate currency, I assume.

  • Celtic_Gnome

    I haz donated. Only because your plea for funds was infinitely more entertaining (and for a better cause) than any of the Republican presidential nominees.

    • dshwa

      I dunno, the republican nominees do provide near endless entertainment. That’s worth a few bitcoins at least.

  • dshwa

    This is wonkett, shouldn’t that thermometer have been a penis?

    • Just wait…

      • dshwa

        Tease.

      • sw19womble

        Wonkette’s thermometer is both a grow-er and a show-er!

  • TxSpinyLizrd

    Here are a few nickels from a big red state. You’re selling the donor list to the RNC, aren’t you?

  • Just threw the switch to activate the new server.

    Unfortunately, this is the web and DNS, which means that nothing may happen for up to 24 hours…

    See you all on the other side, hopefully.

    • Joel Abrams

      For 34 minutes there would be no way of knowing what happened.

      • Zippy

        at least until the smoke clears and the radiation levels drop

        • sw19womble

          WONKVILLE LIBEL!!!

          • Zippy

            you’ll notice that Wonkville’s hamsters aren’t having any problems. C_R_Eature’s breeding program to splice in those cephalopod genes is paying handsome dividends. Granted, no one who ventures into the server room is ever heard from again…

          • sw19womble

            In Wonkville nobody can hear your scream.

          • Been meaning to ask, did smokefilledroomate and vodka get their feet wet as mods? I never heard back from either of them.

          • Zippy

            lemme check- haven’t seen Vodka lately, smoky isn’t blue yet (poor blue)

        • Anarchy Pony

          Vaultec has you covered.

    • natoslug

      I knew I should’ve pinged before the change — now I don’t know if 198.16.5.113 is the old or new IP.

      • lesterthegiantape

        It looks kind of old. Try smelling it.

        • natoslug

          Smells like Teen Spirit and ear wax.

          • Zippy

            and grandma’s ottoman

          • Markuserektus

            Of empire fame?

          • lesterthegiantape

            It’s going to take half an hour for THIS boner to go down

          • A Grumpy Cat

            A mosquito? My libido?

          • natoslug

            So glad I don’t live/in Escondido.

    • TootsStansbury

      I was just about to give some money. Can I still give money?

      • rebecca

        NO. NO MONEY.

        lol jkjk

    • Amy!

      hmmm. if i run host wonkette.com, i get one result. if i run host wonkette.com dns1.registrar-servers.com (as discovered via whois), i get a different one (a cname record, possibly misconfigured, pointing at a host in pressdns.com), which if i visit that, it tells me “this domain is not configured, or maybe it’s been turned off.”

      so i should prolly go away and wait for dns to shake itself out into sense, right?

      • afaik registrar-servers.com is our DNS server, which has a CNAME pointing at Pagely (pressdns.com), WP focused managed server hosting, which then uses Amazon Web Services to run the site, and handle load balancing.

        I’m still seeing the old server now, though many should be seeing the new. Kudos to anyone that sees the small difference I put in to cue people…

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          I love it when you talk dirty.

        • Zippy

          ¿Español?

        • FauxAntocles

          Dead images?

    • Vienna Woods

      Can’t stop the signal, Mal!

    • natoslug

      Now getting 54.86.224.156 ~50% of the time, so maybe the DNS info finally propagated?

      • That’s her. it’s still a crapshoot.

        • natoslug

          At least I’m no longer switching between 503 and db errors. So that’s something . . .

  • clubseal

    A Memento reference is approved.

    • Msgr_Moment
      • Zippy

        I’ll be in my bunk…

      • LarkintheAM

        That’s the wrong kind of chemistry.

      • Joel Abrams

        This is why America MUST invest in STEM. Srsly, like 2 minutes of google and reading and you can learn the science, SMH.

      • A Grumpy Cat

        “What are you doing?”

        “Watching a video of … this woman and … mentos and a bikini and … you know what, it’s porn. I am watching porn.”

  • LarkintheAM

    Done. I never could bear a baby crying.

    • Joel Abrams

      Same here. Also, I’m concerned for Donna Rose.

      • LarkintheAM

        No worries – fresh hamsters are on the way!

  • Joel Abrams

    Um, you missed the pic that’s sure to pop the top off that thermometer:

  • natoslug

    I’m a little disturbed by that thermometer pointing at the babby . . .

  • sw19womble

    This is how server is formed?

    • Msgr_Moment

      When a server and a mommy warblog love each other very much….

  • jviscont1

    is it too late to blame the North Koreans?

    • Steverino247

      Believe me, it’s NEVER too late to blame the North Koreans.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Obama is North Korean?

        • Zippy

          Sure, why not?

        • Amy!

          It’s a neighborhood in Nairobi. Near Kona, like, such as.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      I thought it was the Spanish Inquisition?

      • H0mer0

        nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

  • A Grumpy Cat

    Okay, I paid you. Does that mean you’ll put up more cat videos? Because I can’t find those fucking things anywhere on the internet.

    • Suse
      • A Grumpy Cat

        If I did that with my own cat, there is no way it would be that adorable or amusing.

        • Suse

          I might make one for my 2 little monsters. They’ll probably just pee on it, though.

          • A Grumpy Cat

            “probably”. You are a hopeful one.

      • Dee Andee

        That is gorgeous. Just yesterday I dropped an ice cube on the floor and was surprised when my cat started licking it. Since then I’ve been putting one in a saucer for him. He loves it. :)

        • Lord-Nash

          Out of our three, one goes batshit over ice cubes. If we had hardwood floors, I think he’d be so happy he’d spooge even though the vet took that ability from him.

      • Dylan Black

        Thats an interesting idea, if I put normal sized ice cubes in the water bowl my cats just fish them all out, but they might have more issues with a giant one.

  • mackafritz

    This has forced me to subscribe, contribute, and make a comment.

    • TootsStansbury

      Welcome, comrade.

    • rebecca

      now get out.

      • Zippy

        Geez, tough room…

    • Wombat

      I think you will find that comments are not allowed.

    • riledupone

      You can subscribe, you can contribute but you are not allowed to comment.

  • Suse

    Just sent my portion. Good luck and thanks for the endless entertainment!

  • You know what I love?

    There are only 340 of you on the site right now, and only one logged in user.

    And yet our server is still ‘straining under the load of our increased traffic’ and giving out 503 Errors and Database Connection Errors.

    For 340 people.

    • Joel Abrams
    • A Grumpy Cat

      FINE, I’LL LEAVE THEN.

      • Don’t be so gr…

        Oh, nevermind

    • natoslug

      Well, what do you expect when you tie your database to a cloud? It probably wasn’t even a pretty cloud.

      • Legion32

        Vmware Libel!”!!

    • orygoon

      “and only one logged in user.”

      The other 339 are in the kitchen mixing mojitos.

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        If there’s a light bulb that needs changing, you’re in trouble.

    • natoslug

      I feel honored that I can occasionally get something other than the db conn error.

    • doktorzoom

      Oh, damn, forgot to log out when you people sent me home for the day. Which consisted of stepping away from the desk. Hope that fixed it. Also, I’ll bet nobody’s asked if you’ve tried turning it off and on again.

      Why, yes, I did nap the whole afternoon. Why do you ask?

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Are you Is it plugged in?

        • Msgr_Moment

          So I should have taken the red pill?

    • jviscont1

      whatcha feeding those hamsters?

      • Zippy

        pudding from Bill Cosby

        • Wombat

          Well there’s your problem then. Poor little bastards are comatose.

          • Zippy

            Gloria Allred is ON IT!

      • BRAWNDO© It’s what Hamsters crave!

      • AnOuthouse

        BrosÉ

    • Zippy

      pretty bad when you have enough people for a DDoS attack, yet still don’t have enough to field a softball team

    • natoslug

      If things don’t improve soon, I’ve got a dozen or so 80286’s in the shed I can FedEx your way. I haven’t tried turning them on recently, but they worked in ’88 or ’90 or whenever it was that I last powered them up. The kids have borrowed most of my punch cards to use as bookmarks, so I can’t send those on.

      • Zippy

        I warned them not to beta test Windows 10

        • natoslug

          I tried betta testing once. Unfortunately, I forgot to feed it.

          • Zippy

            soundy fishy

        • natoslug

          In all seriousness, beta testing is great. I wish I could convince my overlords to let me take the time to test things rather than just pushing changes straight to production and waiting to see what breaks.

          • Joel Abrams

            I’m a Master Beta Tester. Also 12.

          • Fuck it! We’ll do it LIVE!

          • Logic of Color

            Hah in my tiny brain I’m picturing a teletype, where blogs are written and we see each letter appear on the screen as they’re typed

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            You see with the eyes of a search engine.

          • proudgrampa

            Clients like you are the bane of my existence…

          • Oh, that’s not my philosophy, just my workaround…

          • Sharkey

            I welcome your overlords, whatever species they might be.

          • natoslug

            I think the latin is medio administratione. Or is that the Italian? Either way, it’s a species that requires lots of meetings.

    • Sharkey

      By “logged in” you mean DiscUs?

      I haven’t had any errors, for a long long time at least. I am PC MASTER RACE so maybe that has an effect. Maybe these “users” are bots and the server knows that.

      But I hear you.

      • rebecca

        nah, he means logged in to teh back end — heh heh heh. anyway, it’s where we write shit. 340 people looking at our website should NOT be straining our server. so fuck those guys, we’re outa here.

        • Sharkey

          Alright, that SORT OF makes sense.

          • Zippy

            user is wordpress speak for keys to the sekrit chat cave

        • Msgr_Moment

          Are there sekrit keys to the back end? Asking for a friend.

        • Lord-Nash

          Well, obviously someone wasn’t wearing a condom and spread a computer virus.

          Dammit, sorry couldn’t resist.

    • Legion32

      Are you running a network management system? Some type of IP sniffer (Wireshark, etc.)?

      • Mostly a hardware problem, though it could have been a flood of requests. We’ve been attacked that way before.

        But isn’t that really what a managed dedicated server environment is for? Shouldn’t they be able to see that on their end?

        • Logic of Color

          They should be able to avert a DOS attack on a single node since your content should be spread across many nodes.

          • BoatOfVelociraptors

            I asked about the cloud. problem will be fixed tomorrow.

        • Zippy

          They should give you a dashboard so you can see for yourself

        • Anarchy Pony

          Clearly it’s that guy from last night with all the intel connections and insider info on Iran.

          • Legion32

            Hoping that dshwa made it out of Tehran safely via the I-95 or whatever highway connects New York State and Armenia.

          • cousin itt

            Californian? I think everyone east of THE I-5 refers to Interstate Highways with a simple “I-95”. Do Californians have some need to further signify the existential semiotic reality of their relational road network with ad hoc representations of spatial conformity via a common definite article?

          • georgiaburning

            That’s a way you tell the SoCals from the NorCals- up here it’s just I-5

          • Legion32

            I am an east coast boy born and raised and decided California was a good place to call home for a while after retiring from the mil. It’s another step closer to Hawaii. Out here they call it the 5 and the 15 so when in Rome… yeah…

          • NanBullenshede

            All the Upfistings!

          • onedollarjuana

            Well, when I grew up in San Jose it was “I-5” or just “280”. It’s the younger crowd that has begun referring to highways with the definite article. I believe it’s because in the old days (like the ’70s) the traffic flowed; the roads were continua. Now, of course, the traffic is so plugged up that each highway is an entity unto itself. Constipated units. Countable.

          • Whale Chowder

            Basic relativity. You can either know where you are or how fast you’re going. If you’re not going, you definitely know where you’re stuck.

            Science!

        • Legion32

          Yup. They should. So I would ask them the following:
          “Are you guys running a network management system? Something that might point to a flood of GET requests…”

        • Lord-Nash

          Call Roy.

    • So that’s why I got some work done at the office this afternoon.

      • Ryan Denniston

        Molotov!

    • Joshua Norton

      I called our Help Desk at work, but they said you’re on your own. Sorry.

  • automaticpilot

    Have you checked the jiggery pokery?

  • chicarmoire

    Jesus God, money for the babbby, money for servers, you’re bleeding me dry. Just kidding, I have the babbby pic a my wallpaper.

  • mrpuma2u

    Donated. Not much, as my vehicle is much older than a 2012 civic. Oh for a 2012 civic! But many hands will lift you to better server land. Kisses!

  • TootsStansbury

    So only because I accidentally opened this window I’m going to say something I’ve wanted to say all day. Apparently, Alfred E. I mean Scott Walker committed a gaffe in Philly. He fucked up ordering a cheesesteak at one of those godawful places that serve diarrhea inducing sandwiches. He ordered it with American cheese and no onions. What is the point of a cheesesteak without onions? Well anyway I think what he mean was no UNIONS.

    Sorry, I have a Southron inspired shaggy dog style to my tales and this has nothing to do with anything.

    I did give some money. Tipsy hope it wasn’t too many zeros!

    • Ryan Denniston

      Only time I’ve been to Genos, I got two whiz wit! I didn’t shit right for a week, but damn tasty sammiches.

      • RevZafod

        Ever seen my must-watch winter holiday movie, Bad Santa? He could make it a month. And also too, Clitoris Leachman could make sammiches.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Are we supposed to drink first? Don’t answer that- ALWAYS drink first.

      • Ryan Denniston

        This is sage advice people. Start with Snap, Crackle, and Burp, and pace yourselves.

        • Zippy

          Snap, Crackle, and Burp

          aren’t those the Pep Boys?

          • Biel_ze_Bubba

            Those are the Pepto-Bismol Boys.

    • Sharkey

      I’ll take care of Tipsy for you!

      • Toomush_Infer

        Hey – I’m feeling Tipsy, if anyone is!….

        • Msgr_Moment

          Feel her for me, willya?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Pats or GTFO
      Also, Walker is a wanker for ordering American on a cheese steak and just lost the entire Philly/delco/S Jersey vote for that one single act.

    • docterry6973

      All Philly knows that Pat’s and Geno’s are not the best cheesesteak in town. I prefer Campo’s in Old City.

  • HolyCow!

    Along with a small donation, I’m mailing you six live hamsters I shoplifted from the mall.

    • I hope you remembered to punch some holes in them so they could breathe.

      • sw19womble

        You want to punch holes in live hamsters?!?! :-o

        • Zippy

          the holes are so the four humours will balance out

      • HolyCow!

        Uh oh, I knew I forgot to do something.

  • SadDemInTex

    I was going to give money to Bernie now I will wait till next month. Jebus it would be great if Wonkette would load better with the new tech stuff. Shy we are counting on you!

    • Ryan Denniston

      I gave to Bernie but have yet to receive my three bumper stickers. I’m considering emailing.

      • SadDemInTex

        I haven’t gotten my bumper stickers either!!! Hey, now I’m feeling the Bern!

    • Keep in mind, the new server is step one. The next step, which the new server allows and facilitates, is the ad free subscription.

      But this should help, a lot.

      • Dylan Black

        I probably won’t be able to give you guys anything until next week when I get paid, but at this rate you will have 10k by then :P

        BTW, more asshole trolls popping up on the lion killing post.

        • I don’t see any…

          *whistle nonchalantly*

          • Zippy

            gotta love that bug zapper…

  • idiotboy

    A friend just came by with some local produce. Would that help? Said its origins are very mellow.

    • sw19womble

      Is it yellow?

      • JustPixelz

        Quite rightly
        ___________________________
        * often misheard as “that’s right slick”

  • 19th Amendment

    Dammit! ?

    I held firm until sweet babby pic. ??

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Please edit above to include the Paypal-Hates-Me actual live-action address for the interwebs-won’t-take-my-moneyists. Or make an app, stat. Whatever. I can’t send you money the easy way.

    • Amy!

      Check the ‘Donate’ link up top. Instructions all there (address, who to make the check out to, etc.).

  • Greg Comlish

    You know I would, but I get the feeling I’m about to get fired again.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Evan?

  • Ryan Denniston

    I have to admit, when I saw the headline and picture, the first thing I thought of was the Pakleds. Shy, don’t read anything into that, you’re doing great.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KeFoGo3N_4g

  • Comrade Wingtardd 5467p

    Yr Comrade Wingtardd will provide a bounty (1) ducat for every javascript worm or nodule removed from the site.

  • Blender_415

    Wait one, I think we’re going about this the wrong way. Set up a GFM site claiming that our “bakery” was shut down b/c we wouldn’t sell a trucknutz cake to gay muslim baby-parts sellers, get linked to a couple mouth-breather sites… and just watch the moniez roll in!

  • AnOuthouse

    This is funny. Someone lost control of their bigoted face place page.

    https://storify.com/champioz/commandeering-a-confederate-pride-group

    • Zippy
    • CriticalDragon1177

      I wonder who it was who took control from the “Confederate Pride” gang.

    • Dylan Black

      That link was a treasure, thank you.

    • Dee Andee

      Very enjoyable! :D

      • RevZafod

        Dee, see my donation in your name later on.

    • 19th Amendment

      Oh, but to be a fly on the wall to see the red mottled faces of the confeds’ rageful meltdown over this. Suhweet!

  • Joshua Norton

    I’ll bet the whole problem is that Ghostbuster, hoodoo-be-gone computer lady is pissed that you made fun of her last Sunday. Have you considered offering her a lot of monies to perform an exorcism?

    http://wonkette.com/592028/the-snake-oil-bulletin-creationist-aliens-want-to-exorcise-the-witchcraft-from-your-puter

    • Dee Andee

      Yeah, but we weren’t sure what color of stones to ask her to use because we don’t know if the server is ghey or straight. Like, rainbow? Or black?

  • KansasHippie

    Off topic, but the Neil deGrasse Tyson video “A Brief History of Everything” has been re-posted at Minute Physics.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7KYTJ8tBoZ8

  • GargoyleGuy

    Shypixel, do you need a server? I have a Dell I’m not using. It’s a few years old, but it’s yours if you want it.

    • I know just enough Linux to be REALLY dangerous on my own…

      • natoslug

        If only for having a happy fortune (-o, of course) whenever I logged in, I miss Linux.

  • RRockGuy

    Wish I could donate, but I don’t do Paypal

    • Dylan Black

      Pretty sure Wonkette will accept old fashioned mail-in payments as well. If you click Donate in the top bar it tells you how.

    • sw19womble

      You can post a check, or maybe some organic apple sauce….

      • Lord-Nash

        Jiggery-Pokery?

  • Msgr_Moment

    Cheese whizz. Show us a happy Donna Brosé pic or I’ll end up sending in too much money.

  • RevZafod

    Copy of what I sent from PayPal:

    OK, Becca, you wouldn’t forward my message a few weeks ago to Dee Andee offering her a gift in kind that she wouldn’t have to declare as income, to your everlasting shame, so here’s what I was willing to spend. $500.

    Consider that this came from Dee Andee and thank her. Then she can save on her gift for a while without feeling bad.

    Of course, it reminded me of the parable of the rich man and the poor widow, as told by Rev. Ivan Stang of the Church of the Subgenius. A poor widow had only $100, yet she gave $10 to J. R. “Bob” Dobbs. A rich man had billions, yet he gave only $20,000 to “Bob”. So when the men from Planet X arrived in their saucers to save the dues-paid, card-in-the-pocket Subgenii, Who did “Bob” choose to save?

    Why, the rich man, of course! He gave more!

    Shopping for a meaningful religion? http://www.subgenius.com

    Still a helluva deal. Eternal Salvation or triple your money back.
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_cBHaSmH58s

    And I’m in it and loaned the labcoats.

    • You can’t hide from J. R. “Bob” Dobbs because he’s stupider than you are.

      • RevZafod

        Also he ain’t got no laigs.. You must have been listening to the Janor Device. My fave from Janor Hypercleats has always been “Told the Judge”.

        • Janor messaged me on MySpace a few years ago when MySpace was still a thing. By all accounts he’s gotten even more weird and incapable of dealing with reality as the years have gone by.

      • RevZafod

        Also too I miss the Devivals in Dallas and the first two in the Promised Land of Amsterdam at the Bad Cuyp. Rev Stang and the Princess in Glen Rose last January with ole RevZafod.

    • Dee Andee

      RevZafod, thou art a prince among men. Sincerely. I have the weepies. *hugs*

      • RevZafod

        Dee, pls contact me to “talk” at this address:
        fromDee at diverdan dot name
        I have ideas to get around getting gifts.

        • Dee Andee

          Thanks so much, hon, but really, I’m good. I move into my new low-income apartment on Monday, and it’s really very nice. I’ll not have to spend 2/3 of my income to pay for housing and utilities anymore, so, woot! Thanks so much for your gift to the Wonkette, because this place really brightens my day (even when the news pisses me off!). You rock!

          • RevZafod

            See my last. Please contact. Maybe a gift for the Winter Solstice from a stranger [not candy and you don’t have to get into the car. Altho, it IS a Nissan GT-R! Great for Road Warrioring].

            “My Life fades. The vision dims. All that remains are memories.”
            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m7CgfSqBkIY

            Srsly, I might be able to give a gift that’s not cash for a hobby you might enjoy, without tax implications, but not for discussion here out in the open.

            You’re starting to remind me of the parents who came to visit Mel Brooks at his cave in the 2000-year-old man:

            “No, it;s OK. We don’t need to come in. We’ll just stand out here in the rain” or something like that..

            So please contact me by email, and if after that, you refuse, I’ll drop it. Thanks. Persistent Ole Zafod.

    • rebecca

      well shit! I don’t remember if I saw your request or not? was I actively having a baby at the time? Now I feel like an asshole! GIVE DEE SOME MONEY, ZAFOD.

      • RevZafod

        I’ll get back to you via the tips line.

  • RevZafod

    You need better graphics for this. Try some of these:

    https://www.google.com/search?hl=en&site=imghp&tbm=isch&source=hp&biw=1256&bih=848&q=beggar&oq=begg&gs_l=img.1.0.0l10.4089.5841.0.8990.4.4.0.0.0.0.132.300.2j1.3.0.ernk_zc…0…1.1.64.img..1.3.300.ANViOGcWnrs#imgrc=F9GZ9c3GyIGKYM%3A

    Or especially this one. Winter is coming to Montana…..

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Oh I don’t know, Babby Wonkette seems to get us to open our wallets fast enough.

    • Markuserektus

      Neither a borrower nor a lender be,
      For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
      And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

      • Mhael

        Yyyyyeeeah, I don’t know if quoting Polonius is always the way to go. Sure, he made some good points here and there, but he was ALSO a dithering, pedantic sycophant who undervalued his daughter’s worth, ruined her love life (thus ENDING her life), and sent men to go spy on and entrap his own son at school because Reasons.
        Fuck Polonius. He got what he deserved.

        • Markuserektus

          Sounds like a modern political candidate.

    • FauxAntocles

      Proof positive there is no god.

      • toomanyrappers

        If there is, he should be ashamed of himself. Reminds me of the story of the angel making creatures with the children in The Mysterious Stranger. (Say what you will about the book, Twain wrote the passage).

        “Oh, it is no matter, we can make more.”

      • docterry6973

        That lion-killing asshole is an asshole, but there is so much worse in the world. Thanks, God!

  • riledupone

    I’m a poorz but I kicked in a few loonies. No fair weaponizing Trixel for fundraising! How can anyone say no to that face?

  • epiphyte

    Argggh. Your dosh-collecting link is also busted.

    PS. Shypixel. Amazon Web Services is your friend. For now, at least – once they’ve taken over the world I’m sure they will put the screws on…

  • FauxAntocles

    BTW, mildly offended at number of people who took my “cloud” suggestion seriously.
    *Runs from room, slams door*

    • cousin itt

      It’s a cloudy world.

    • pstockholm

      We were sure you were cirrus.

      • LarkintheAM

        The cumulus effect of having to do without Wonkette, no doubt.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    You sexed him up, married him, had his child … and STILL can’t get the site to work? What does it take????????????

  • Arguman

    This is sadder than my sadness for asshole conservatives, which is pretty epic.

    I would donate but I don’t work again until September :(

    Wonkette needs an Uncle Sugar.

    Or a Kickstarter so ppl can see how much has been donated?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Wow, all the Wonketariats out there seem to be responding nicely so far. I think it was all the “please calm down Shy, he’s going bonkers!” pleading.

    • Msgr_Moment

      It was the “please calm down Shy so that Donna Rose doesn’t haz a sad”.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        You’re probably right. Donna Rose rules the roost.

  • OK – I resurrected my old PayPal account and made a donation.

    So where are the ‘now activated’ porno links?

  • actor212

    A modest suggestion: sell the babby. On eBay.

    • Vienna Woods

      ISWYDT

  • Lord-Nash

    Needs moar Wonkestroika.

  • Mahousu

    Prompted by Wonket last summer, I discovered a bank account I had abandoned in California back during the Reagan administration (this is totally true). Through the miracle of compound interest, the five bucks or whatever I had left back then grew and grew until it reached the magnificent sum of almost TEN MILLION UNITED STATES DOLLARS! Where by “almost,” I mean it was actually $28.95.

    Anyway, I’m giving it to you. Should be enough to buy a new mousepad or something.

    • Lizzietish81

      That’s a neat metaphor for America under Reaganism isn’t it?

      • Mahousu

        You’d have to make it a little more precise. Under Reaganism, $5 million would become $28 million, but $5 would become maybe $5.01.

  • JustPixelz

    The lesson here is to avoid Palin™ servers: I will quit you
    Always use Brokeback™ servers: I can’t quit you

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I sent the 50 bucks that was in my swear jar. It was actually $54.35, but I gotta set some aside for the fucking beer fund. Oops.

    • jmk

      Ka-chiiing!!

  • AntiDerpomeme

    Came by to check on whether the thermometer had turned into a peen yet (no, not yet, but getting closer!), and now I’m noticing that the image links are no longer resolving. For example, the last image is showing a URL of “https://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/wonkThermometer4-808×1024.jpg” but “http://wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/07/wonkThermometer4.jpg” is the one that works. Minor thing to resolve, I hope, but I love those Dok-created photoshops, so I hope not to lose out on ’em.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Same problem. It wasn’t the case last night, so my guess is that it’s transitory.

      • Amy!

        I’m thinking that maybe the cloudified insta-site copy looks right to logged-in users, but not to us peons (’cause if this were happening to Shy yesterday, he’d’ve been fixing it before go-live). Pretty sure we’re in the new place, though. DNS returns results that are less psychotic than yesterday.

        • Ryan Denniston

          I have no idea what you’ve said (I recently learned about the “texting”), but you said it with authority, that I’ll buy it as the correct explanation.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            I still use a flip phone. And read the newspaper.

          • Amy!

            A flip phone? Is that like a “princess” phone? Hang these new-fangled toys! I’ve got my Ma Bell black-lump rotary dial, and (this part is really cool!) a really long extension cord for the handset so I can walk around the house and cook and stuff!

            Also, why would you read the newspaper? They always smell of the fish that they were wrapping, or bird poop.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            My secret plan to become a billionaire is to capitalize on the “retro” craze and invent a cell phone with a rotary dial. Whaddya think? Also too, the newspaper thing is mostly because I’m addicted to crossword puzzles.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            I think an actual working Maxwell Smart shoe phone might be a money spinner.

  • Lizzietish81

    Wait, so we’re not getting any new stories until you make the money?

    This is extortion!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      But vile, snarky extortion, so we approve.

    • My thoughts exactly. It may even turn out that I get some work done today. SIgh…

  • Canmon

    Why don’t you ask the government for the money? You’re a corporation for god’s sake!

  • dslindc

    Is Wonkette unbroken yet?

    • Kinda…

      We have new posts scheduled, and as long as your machine has the new DNS info, you’ll see them shortly. If not, blame DNS fuckery, and know that it will all sort itself out soon…

      • memzilla

        No DNS update yet here in NYC, after unplugging my internet connection and running “ipconfig /flushdns;” am using OpenDNS.

        • natoslug

          I use OpenDNS, and I started seeing the new site last night, I think (IP changed to 54.86.224.156 from, um, whatever the old one was). Still kinda borked, but getting better.

          • memzilla

            THE ISSUE IS PAGELY. IT’S THE WORDPRESS HOSTING PLATFORM RUNNING ON AWS (Amazon Web Services) That’s *two* places where DNS goes to die.

        • data_ninja

          I just cleared out the DNS server cache on my network, then did a local flush. Seems to be working for me now.

      • LarkintheAM

        Sorry, Shy . . . for us non-techie types, could you tell us what that means and if there is anything we must do on our ends to see the new posts?

      • natoslug

        You’re probably still working on this, but just in case, the first two images under Official Wonkette Sweatshop are still broken, and if you copy the image location into another browser tab (e.g. https://img.wonkette.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/bernieWeb.jpg), it redirects to http://localhost/wp-content/uploads/2015/05/bernieWeb.jpg.

      • Ilgattomorte

        You’re completely offline here using Google DNS as the forwarder. Do you know the new IP address? I’m curious to see if I can force it. Right now the A record reports as 162.255.119.254.

      • Ilgattomorte

        Nevermind. Google just refreshed the new numbers

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I’m going to scream, because DNS is notorious for taking a while to update, and I can’t go and kick the DNS server, I don’t even know where it is, and even if I did, it’s probably in a locked room in a dial central office and those things are protected like Fort Knox because everyone knows that when you plan a coup, the first thing you do is seize the DCO to control all the telephones.

        That and blow up the cell phone towers, which is one of the things that made 9/11 such a mess…9/11 Noun Verb very wisely located the emergency response center for NYC in the World Trade complex with no physical backup, probably because there were no kickbacks involved.

  • dslindc

    You could turn Wonkette into a church! You might even do better than Creflo Dollar and make enough for a new plane!

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Just take the Trump uber-patriot route and declare bankruptcy. You get to keep everything you already have, purchase a new eastern European wife, AND run for president.

  • BloviateMe

    I can see the new story, but the comments won’t load. Maybe the DNS loaded the hyper protocol sexter drive and repealed the DINGUS fellatiater so they RAM’d the ROM.

    After working with the help desk at work, I assume you tech types just make up shit as you go, so I tried to sound cool too.

    • Lizzietish81

      Why would comments load? There aren’t comments at Wonkette.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        They mean it this time.

      • BloviateMe

        Because cloud buffer updating from cisco platform host.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          You know, 20 years ago that would be an utter nonsense sentence. Now it makes perfect sense.

    • Lizzietish81

      I’m not seeing the new story.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Nor I. Starting to worry that this is some mean girl form of “unfriending”.

        • Lizzietish81

          Shit that makes sense, Rebecca has been waiting to cut me off since I kept poking her to fight me in the cat walking discussion.

          DAMN YOU!

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Maybe we should start a Former Wonketteer blog, but change things up and allow comments.

          • elviouslyqueer

            Oh please. And become like Gawker? As if!

          • vivian

            I’ll pretend I didn’t read that. Hey! That’s it! We’ll allow comments, but no reading!

          • Amy!

            That would be disturbing. What would a place be like with all of these (non-)commenters, if comments were permitted?

            Besides, what would I say? I never know what to say. I’m so happy to be on a site that doesn’t allow comments, where everyone accepts my silence as something mandatory, not the screaming social panic that it actually is.

          • Rick Hill

            Huh? It’s a lot earlier than it usually is, this time of day, but, wait. What? Cat fight? You and Queen R? I’m there, let me get my pants….

          • Lizzietish81

            It was very disappointing. She wouldn’t put out, being straight and all.

          • Rick Hill

            I missed it? Shucks. By which I mean darn. Tell me there was ripped clothes, flying spittle and someone used the B word…

          • Lizzietish81

            Not really. I did my best to piss her off and she ignored me.

            Usually I whip this story out when trolls are all “you guys can’t tolerate different opinions”

          • Villago Delenda Est

            This is their error. It’s not different opinions we can’t tolerate, it’s raw stupid.

          • The Molten Soul

            On my way too. No pants.

      • AntiDerpomeme

        It was a problem for me too. I reloaded the cache and saw the “next story” link at the bottom of the page. Now it’s not there again. But anyhow, here ya go: story link

        • vivian

          linky brokey? takes me to an oops page…

          • AntiDerpomeme

            by golly, it is. Sorry Vivian. Weird though, and probably due to the stuff Shy is doing, the URL content of the tag’s actual link is fine, but it’s resolving weirdly. Anyway, I’ve put the whole URL as the name of the link now, so if clicking doesn’t work, you can cut-n-paste.

          • vivian

            Patient? More productive? What is this, Sweden? I’m ‘Murican and I want my snark NOW! oops. I mean thanks for the help.

    • JustPixelz

      BINGO!

  • Lord-Nash

    Wonkette, the mommyblog that was reforged.

    • cousin itt

      And shall slay the dickish forces of Stupid and bad comb overs with the swift sword of snark.

      • The Molten Soul

        Swift sword of snark. Tolkien couldn’t have written it better.

        • Lizzietish81

          it would have been much wordier

          • jmk

            Shhh… no dissing JRR.

          • Lizzietish81

            Fuck that noise, Tom Bombadil was fucking stupid!

          • Tansy Geek

            I always thought he was some kind of proto-hippy. What with the talking to trees and the nature wife with the long blond hair. Prolly had solar panels made of bees or something. Or was that the were-bear in “The Hobbit”?

          • NerdWithNoName

            In “Bored of the Rings” by H. Lampoon he was recast as Tim Benzedrine. 35+ years later I still laugh when I think about that book.

          • Tansy Geek

            Oh yes! I always loved the fairy named Amy Surplus who supplied the fire works for Dildo’s party.

          • Dee Andee

            Someone did this awesome essay about Bombadil, essentially theorizing that the guy was an evil, fuckish Sauron plant.

            http://km-515.livejournal.com/1042.html

            ETA: Re-reading, so no, not a Sauron plant, but a being bent on taking his place. Muahahahahaaaa….

          • Amy!

            All that is snark is not bitter
            Not all those who comment are tossed
            The oldz who are working do not twitter
            I wish I could write like R Frost

          • Amy!

            Haul my ashes! A fire shall be woken!
            And what from the shadows does spring?
            Behold! The blade that was broken!
            Indeed, the blue pills are king!

            (apologies that I’m not actually equipped for this to be true, but it wanted to be posted, and I couldn’t resist. sort of an alpha verse, I guess)

      • Toomush_Infer

        Snicker-snack!..

  • Rick Hill

    I love Wonkette and would gladly give you guys some money but, you know, liberal, Democrat. I’m a taker. Sorry, not sorry.

  • Michael Smith

    So what am I supposed to do today? Work??!!

    • Dee Andee

      You could come help me pack for my move (which will take place in fits and starts over the next 4 days). But then again, packing and moving sucks ass. nvm

    • jmk

      Seriously! How the hell will I explain this sudden increase in productivity?

      • Michael Smith

        This is going to set the bar way too high. I’m definitely getting fired now once Wonkette is back.

        • jmk

          Exactly! I do NOT want to set expectations I have no intention of fulfilling. It’s just bad strategery.

          • vivian

            Take up smoking? Long pointless walks around the building? The staircase game? Time to randomize a few file cabinets. There are endless productivity “enhancements” that can keep you busy until the reWonk is complete.

          • Michael Smith

            Oh yeah… I remember those things. From long ago.

          • alwayspunkindrublic

            Accept your liberal nature of indolence and sloth. This is why-according to a certain former president-the French have no word for “entrepreneur”.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          I read my kindle in the times waiting for new posts so I am set.

          Today it is the Anne of whatever series, because what part of bleeding heart liberal pie in the sky romantic type did no one understand?

          • Lizzietish81

            You ever see the Sequel that takes place during WWI?

            Be still my beating heart!

          • Vienna Woods

            You mean read it? Rilla of Ingleside? I use excerpts in my Canadian history class of how brainwashed Canadians were by propaganda.
            I’ve read all of those books maybe 20 times. I like the Pat books even better.

          • Lizzietish81

            No, PBS did a sequel based somewhat on one of the later books, but taking place during WWI

            https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LqVvS4ClgmE

          • Vienna Woods

            Wow. That plot line doesn’t exist anywhere in the books. I never did like the shows because they departed too much from the originals.

          • Lizzietish81

            I seem to remember reading that it was based off one of the books about the kids, like one of the daughters goes to Europe to find her brother during WWII

          • Vienna Woods

            There’s a WWI story about the grown children. The boys go and fight, one dies, the girls become nurses or stay home and end up marrying the returning soldiers. That’s Rilla of Ingleside. But there’s nothing about searching for lost brother. VERY loosely based on the original, obvs. Which is why I didn’t watch them- I’d end up yelling at the screen way too much.

          • jmk

            As a redheaded girl, Anne’s eventual handsome auburn hair was a great comfort to me in my youth.

          • Toomush_Infer

            Yeah, but her gables were green…

  • PalmFaceCry

    Wish I was made of money’zz. Would give if I could. Standing by…

  • Amy!

    Oooh! All the pictures on this article just came back!

    Haven’t checked the front page yet.

    Disqus works on this article, but on the huckabee-by-zoom just posted, it shows this error:

    We were unable to load Disqus. If you are a moderator please see our troubleshooting guide.

    ‘Troubleshooting guide’ is hyperlinked, but I di’n’t clickit-or-ticket, ’cause I have no moderation in me.

    • Tansy Geek

      What she said. Some pics are still not loading, but for this first time in ages, I was able to close the little pop-up in the lower right of my screen.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      moderation is for losers anyway. Go big or go home, fellow murrican! (see, I am assuming everyone is a murrican because I am a murrican, therefore keeping my culture alive and well and healthy, god bless me).
      Sorry…I have not had enough caffeine today

  • dshwa
    • Dee Andee

      Holy shit. LOSING $25M a year? This implies they had 25 mil to lose, which I would think would take awhile. Fucking grifters.

      • dshwa

        They clearly didn’t spend it on their hairdos, so I have no idea where the money went. But my 5 bucks is on Jim Bob disappearing to the Caribbean with some 20 year old and leaving ma Duggar holding the bag.

        • Jen_Baker_VA

          lots of it goes to their cult. I mean sect. I mean church!

          • dshwa

            25 mill? Somebody’s got an account in the Caymans

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        “Losing” = “No longer making.”
        (The thought of these dolts pulling down $25MM merely for being teevee cretins is fairly depressing, but it sure explains why every other dolt on the planet seems to be trying for a reality show.)

      • rebecca

        in the nose? NO. RIGHT IN THE EAR.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      And just in time for the wrap-up of the Palin paywall show. I think we all see a new Fartknocker opportunity…!

    • Lizzietish81

      Pa Duggar: I’m afraid I have no choice but to sell you all for scientific experiments.

      • dshwa

        Back the the pinafores, ladies. No more real world clothes for you.

      • dslindc

        See what happens when you go with ?Every Sperm is Sacred??

        Bloody wingnuts filling the world with bloody children they can’t afford to bloody feed!

        • Mehmeisterjr

          It’s Arkansas. He can just regift them to other perverts.

      • Rick Hill

        It’s either that or get a job where you can support a family the size of three sports ball teams.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Get a job? Like all these sick fucks, grifting is his “job”. He’s hustling his little cult out on the street.

      • timpundit

        “Can’t you just get your balls pulled off in an accident?”

    • cousin itt

      How about a Duggar theme park? The ride Ma Duggar ride would be the main attraction.

      • dshwa

        It’d be actual tunnel of love size.

        • vivian

          Don’t forget the Diddle Yer Sis haunted house. Lots o’ skeletons in there.

          • spacecat in space

            It’s all skeletons.

            Weeping, child-sized skeletons.

      • vivian

        “You must be this tall to ride Ma Duggar”

        • Tansy Geek

          Wouldn’t it be “You must be this wide/ long/desperate to ride”?

        • Rick Hill

          Do they provide the board you have to strap across your ass? So you don’t fall in, that is….

      • Tansy Geek

        Every time you get off the Ferris wheel, extra babies spill out of the previously empty compartments.

    • elviouslyqueer

      The only reason the Jim Bob Mob opted for a YouTube channel is because GoFundMe couldn’t stop laughing long enough to tell them to Go Fuck Themselves.

    • Tansy Geek

      That’s terrible. It looks like they can only afford paper plates now.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      These vile creatures have no shame at all.

      • dshwa

        One of the perks of being a christian fundie (or really any fundie), is that you believe that you’re god’s special snowflake and therefore everything you do is right, and on the rare occasions it might be considered wrong you told god “my bad” and it’s instantly OK.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Personal responsibility, my ass.

          • dshwa

            Personal responsibility for thee, not for me.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            Aye. “Christians are not better, we’re just forgiven!”. Yes. By the voices in your head.

          • dshwa

            Except they really don’t believe the “we’re not better” part.

  • This is bumming me out. Here’s a kitten vs. hedgehog video, which might tide everyone over for awhile: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D36JUfE1oYk

    • dslindc

      My dog would bark at it and then go hide under the bed until it was gone.

    • AnOuthouse

      hogs.

  • Logic of Color

    I had no idea how addicted I was to fresh Wonkette nuggets.

    • proudgrampa

      I am definitely feeling withdrawal symptoms! What is that pink elephant doing in my office?

    • BackDoorMan

      … Wonkette nuggets… it’s the breakfast of champions!

  • With all this techno mumbo jumbo going down I feel like this kid, just waiting for something to happen that I understand:

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?t=66&v=HEG_Y5pHJb0

    • timpundit

      I was this kid back in the day. Why in the hell should I run all the way to that side of the court when you all are just gonna be coming back this way? What a waste of energy.

      • Beaumarchais?

        It’s the hands in the pockets that says it all. That is one skeptical kid.

  • Snopes Shop

    Why aren’t all these ads paying the bills?

    • You would be surprised how little display ads pay…

      Most of them only if they remain in your field of view long enough, and many of them only if they are clicked on. Some only pay if the user actually does some certain thing on the other end of the ad.

      And Wonkette readers, famously, do not click ads…

      • Would it help if we did?

        • I am legally barred from answering this question in the affirmative.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            This is what’s known as a “qualified maybe”

          • Steverino247

            As we used to say in the Intelligence Community, “I can neither confirm nor deny that, DUH, what do you think?”

      • Independently Yours

        I only click on the illicit looking ones.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I only click on ads that promise me a Lamborghini with Christie Brinkley waving at me from the passenger seat.

        • Rick Hill

          I did that. Big regret. You wouldn’t believe how little leg room is in a ‘ghini and Christie’s breath is awful, she just talks about small dogs. Boring!

          • Lizzietish81

            Better that then her marriage to Billy Joel.

          • Rick Hill

            I thought that was who she meant when she went on about how much better off she was without Bill….

          • Vienna Woods

            Still a better love story than Twilight.

          • BackDoorMan

            … speaking of small dogs… yappy, neurotic… here Billy Billy!… who’s a good pooch? You are! Yes you are!

      • AntiDerpomeme

        I recall from one of my past customers that some ads only pay if a viewer clicks through AND then buys something. Perhaps it’s time to upgrade to buttplug advertisers, because I’m betting Wonketoids would certainly be good customers.

        • rebecca

          it’s true, can you believe their shit? I yell at those people and do not let them have ads.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            OK, this must cease. Rebecca’s comment doesn’t have the little “King” button next to her name. Shy, get off your shapely ass and fix that, pronto. While you’re at it, make our ‘Trix a Queen. And prepare an account for Donna Rose that says “Princess”

          • Steverino247

            Or, at least “Comrade-in-training”

          • elviouslyqueer

            Evan needs a “Queen” button, also too. Is all I’m saying.

          • Villago Delenda Est

            That’s better!

      • Rick Hill

        We read Wonkette, we’re too smart to be taken by your internet trickery and traps.

      • dshwa

        “Do not click on the linky” (h/t emelem) is the first rule of Wonkette.
        The second is “when in doubt, make a dick joke,”

        • Nonono… It’s “Never watch the video”

          • aureolaborealis

            But … what about the tits? Sir, I put it to you: All the goddamn tits. How I’m supposed to not sometimes always occasionally *accidentally* click on, oh, I don’t know, “30 Biggest Former Eastern Bloc Prom Dress Fails”?
            Follow-up question: Does everyone get the same ads, or do they somehow know to point all the tits at me?

          • Jen_Baker_VA

            I call no fair. I get no tit stories, only wrinkle cream ads and how much more money porn stars make than I do.

          • aureolaborealis

            I would kill for wrinkle cream ads when I’m trying to read the Wonkette on the company dime. My mouse-wheel-fu is becoming supernatural, tho, so there’s that.

          • Tansy Geek

            I keep getting Ivanka Trump purses and tee shirts with non-sequiturs.

          • BackDoorMan

            … yeah, as sad as my life might be from time to time, I have never felt the need to wear a Trump-branded anything… to me, that would just admit OUT LOUD how much a loser I am. Not so much “classy” as “assy”, and ain’t nobody got time for that.

          • Steverino247

            You get them all, you lucky bastard.

          • Tansy Geek

            I was very alarmed the other day to get a photo shopped Emma Watson with perfectly spherical boobs. It was distressing on many levels, not least the defiance of gravity.

          • toomanyrappers

            Cannot resist… must click it…

            http://i.imgur.com/WYQee.gif

      • Mahousu

        Some only pay if the user actually does some certain thing on the other end of the ad.
        I’ve been doing some certain thing for years, and nobody’s ever paid me. I didn’t even know it was an option.

      • A Grumpy Cat

        I actually disabled adblock on this site because I thought the ads being viewed would give you guys some cash but it sounds like you’re saying that’s actually completely pointless since I never click them?

      • Snopes Shop

        I sent my $50, but am still annoyed by the volume of pop up ads and misdirects (especially on my iPhone).

  • dslindc

    Is there at least an updated peen-like goal graphic?

  • Independently Yours

    Must. Have. Wonkette. To. Function.
    Great. Now I have to go wash the car without my brain properly soaked in Wonkette. Thanks, Obama!

    • Independently Yours

      The car is washed. I hope you’re happy. Now I suppose I have to bathe. You know, this downtime with Wonkette is really cutting into my lazy, mooching, lay about lifestyle.

    • Toomush_Infer

      I just brought a whole dump trailer load of aluminum to the scrap guys – now Mrs. Toomush is happy. Thanks a lot, Wonkette! Will it never end????….

      • Independently Yours

        Wonkette is turning us into productive, responsible citizens! Does. Not. Compute. The next thing you know, I’ll find my bootstraps! This changes everything!!!!!!!1!

  • Paperless Tiger

    You have to get a remote connection with an Indian guy. Lately all the computers are programmed to speak Hindi. Thanks Obama.

  • Callyson

    Shit, I hope this all gets fixed before the first GOP debate at least. Because if I have to get through that without a live-blog…

    http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-Y_ODcECzxGQ/T4sMKffGa8I/AAAAAAAAA88/LnQ8Dvynqbg/s1600/michael-scott-no.gif

  • OrdinaryJoe

    I blame that lion killing dentist for why we can’t have nice things.

    • spacecat in space

      Murder. Larry Wilmore called it murder. So, lion-murdering dentist.

      Infamous Lion-murderer and owner of the world’s smallest penis, “Dr.” Walter Palmer, D.D.S., shot the server with an arrow after paying $35,000 to a couple of local nerds to lure it out of the safety of the Wonkette Reserve with LOLCats and Japanese tentacle pr0n.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I think there’s some competition for the “world’s smallest penis”. Like Chuckles the Toddler, Alex Jones, Mike Hucksterbee, The Donald, John Ellis Bush Bush, Dick “Darth Vader or Voldemort, choose your franchise meme” Cheney, Wayne “Serious Compensation” La Pierre, Ted “Even More Serious Compensation” Nugent, et al.

        • spacecat in space

          It’s the World’s Most-Pathetic Competition Evar.

          But “Dr.” Lion Murderer, D.D.S., wins, only because the Nüge is sportin’ a concave peen, so he is disqualified.

      • MrPendent

        To be fair, when he shot the server, he was 100 yards away playing cards.

        • spacecat in space

          Which is why he’s still chasing it down in order to shoot it dead.

        • ahughes798

          I shot the server, but I did not shoot the UPS.

    • Markuserektus

      A pause from the heartache.

  • dshwa

    Maybe that Ben asshole really was in IT…

  • Sterculius

    Why don’t you sell ad removal, or better yet, a special designation that shows I am more important than other commenters, or maybe put all my posts in bold, or ALL CAPS, or maybe let me edit other posts, or delete them. I could see tiered pricing for these entitlements.

    • jmk

      You can’t be more important than other commenters because comments are not allowed.
      That’s just science.

    • Joshua Norton

      Yes! I would like ALL this too please. Also to have “Emperor” next to my name in a grey box thingy. “King” just sooo déclassé.

    • AnOuthouse

      Commie’s treat everyone the same. That’s why the p’s had to go.

    • A Grumpy Cat

      I DON’T WANT ANYONE TO GET THE PRIVILEGE OF HAVING THEIR STUFF IN ALL CAPS WHEN I HAVE TO PRESS THE MAGIC BUTTON ON MY COMPUTER TO HAVE MINE BE THAT WAY. IT’S NOT FAIR, MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOM.

  • UnionGoon

    ok as a long term lurker on this site i just now finally went and created a profile to say WAAAAAAAAAH I need wonkette! So I gave $20 to the paypal thingie so now I am ENTITLED damn it!

  • proudgrampa

    “811 Comments” !!!???!!! That’s gotta be some kind of a record.

    • dshwa

      Especially since comments are not allowed.

    • Joshua Norton

      Nah. Bristol Palin has been known to inspire over 1,000 at a time. And it’s all good stuff. Not the snark-impaired “you people are so mean” self-righteous crap that you have to plod thru if you attempt to read Gawker comments about the same thing.

  • ddimuro

    Thanks for the Zevon callout!

  • Beowoof14

    Okay I just sent more money please keep the snark coming .

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Update from out on the Left Coast:

    The Wonkette link at Balloon Juice reports there are exciting new articles available. Unfortunately, when you click on on the links, it leads to “page not found”. Which means that The Donald and Hucksterbee have done things, AGAIN, that need to be snarked at, and I can’t snark! Oh, I could do generic snarks (ZOMG look at that thing on his head!) but it’s just not very fulfilling, and frankly, it’s boring. Boring is bad. It’s why we long ago gave up on network newscasts.

    • Logic of Color

      I can see new content on my phone but the macbook is stuck on yesterday

      • Logic of Color

        It’s DNS. You can either try typing (on windows from a command prompt) ipconfig /flushdns or do what I did and plug in 8.8.8.8 for your DNS server. Worked just fine, except now Google is oogling my packets probably

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Did that, no joy, still page not found. It’s probably the upstream DNS at my ISP which hasn’t gotten over yesterday yet.

        • Tansy Geek

          Is Google oogling sexy or not?

        • UnionGoon

          I’m just going to go right ahead and reveal my tech ignorance….do I actually HAVE to do that or can I just sit back, continue to whine and bitch and at some point the problem will resolve itself? Because I got NO idea how to do what you just said to do :)

          • Logic of Color

            Yeah it should clear up in time once changes replicate around the country

          • Joshua Norton

            Probably just as well to wait. I did all that and it still didn’t fix the problem.

  • proudgrampa

    D’you think this shit could be Banhammered Ben’s revenge?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I doubt it, because he’d have to gloat about it on the site, and I see no gloating.

  • aureolaborealis

    So, speaking of ads, this happened …

    • Lizzietish81

      I admit, I first read it as “quick as dick”

      • dshwa

        You’ve been hanging out with the wrong dicks.

      • proudgrampa

        Do you have astigmatism, too?

        • Lizzietish81

          Why yes I do

        • Msgr_Moment

          Cock-eyed

    • aureolaborealis

      Also: I figured out your problem, Shypixel. Your server exists approximately one day in the past. Some kind of time-space wormhole anomaly. Just sort that out, and everything should be fine. You’re welcome.

      • Msgr_Moment

        If you move it one day into the future, you can use your racetrack/stock winnings to finance the server. QED, PDQ

      • AnOuthouse

        So it was the system date setting all along.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …I’ve found that, now, that Wonkette is broken my productivity at work has doubled and my binge drinking has decreased!!!

  • MrPendent
  • Last Hussar

    Sent you the price of a pint, A proper BRITISH pint, not one of the undersized colonial ones.

    • cousin itt

      Hopefully not the price of a bleedin’ Watney’s Red Barrel.

      • jmk

        Ohhhhhhhhh I do miss Watney’s…

        • Last Hussar

          A watneys that missed? Isn’t that pissing on the floor?

  • cousin itt

    Quinnipiac poll has Bernie defeating Diseased Ferret Head 44-39. Hillary wins by 12.

    Why the Dems numbers are not astronomically higher is fucked.

    • Joshua Norton

      It’s like what happened in California when Ahnold ran the first time. Most people first supported him as a joke because his candidacy was so off the wall. He only won because the Dems could only round up uninspiring empty suits to oppose him, but nobody ever took him seriously. Even after he was elected.

      However, I can safely predict that Teh Donald doesn’t have the staying power to carry it off, more’s the pity. I would lurve to see him as the wingnut anointed one.

    • Tansy Geek

      Is it because the Germans always win on penalty kicks?

  • Msgr_Moment

    This might be relevant to the server problem:
    How to tell if your hamster is happy.

    • major_asshole

      When my hamster is happy, he peeks out from my underpants, looks around, and then vomits. Is that normal?

      • House0fTheBlueLights

        Depends whether that thing is really a hamster.

  • proudgrampa

    What happened? I was happily commenting on Huckafuck’s Holocaust, clicked on the next thread, BOOM “page not found.”

    • Rick Hill

      Something technical, involving explanations with lots of three letter combinations that mean something or other. Of course they would never admit they were the subject of a terrorist attack, they won’t even let you comment if you use the word terrorist.

      • Vecciojohn

        I heard the whole Wonkette Nomenclatura had been whisked into hiding in special double extra secret underground chambers, like the ones Obama keeps his Kenyan Praetorian Guard in. They are now probably someplace deep under Virginia begin debriefed by the NSC, Hillary Clinton and George Soros.

        • Rick Hill

          If it’s on Hill’s secret email server it’s over. Nothing escapes that black hole

        • House0fTheBlueLights

          You have revealed this information, so now we will have to kill you (with votes)

    • Joshua Norton

      “Shit happens”, I believe, is the technical term.

      • zerosumgame0005

        “user error” is always a favorite, in other words proudgrampa killed !!!!!!

        just kidding :P

    • TxSpinyLizrd

      Loose nut on the keyboard.

      • proudgrampa

        Funny… Hey, wait a minute!?!

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      They refused to turn it off and then turn it back on.

    • Major_Major_Major

      It’s the first sign of the rapture. Revelations 66, vs. 6″ And ye shall not be able to communicate with intelligent beings, verily, ye shall have to get information from the angel of death, who shall identify itself as a red colored canine of small stature.”

  • SadDemInTex

    I can’t get new articles!!!! ?

  • whitroth

    The obvious question: are you running a server at home, or are you paying for hosting? If hosting, were you paying for a co-lo, or do you run it out of an office with a commercial ‘Net connection?

    I pay for hosting, but use it mostly for my email. I wouldn’t run a major website, like Wonkette.com ™, (high ranked hit site!!!) from home….

    mark

  • Any updates on how far Wonkette is from its fundraising goal? Maybe you can get Jerry Lewis to do a telethon…

    • Mahousu

      It’s pretty far, and getting farther. But in the good direction.

  • Mhael

    YAY! It’s back!
    *reads story, hits Back button*
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

  • Toomush_Infer

    Oh, C’mon! This is like withholding addicted substances, man!….

  • Beaumarchais?

    Aaaaand we’re back, to where we were.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Sorry, had to go to a meeting. What’d I miss?

    Anything?

    Bueller?

    • Tansy Geek

      Nope, Breitbart is still dead.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      The soon-to-be-deleted commenters are melting down because now they REALLY can’t comment.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        /cue world’s tiniest violin for some Mozart.

  • doktorzoom

    If it’s any comfort to you guys, I am also unable to access stuff hosted on the new server, which has made for a fun, nonproductive workday. We’ll get through this together!

    But no sing-alongs, OK?

    • jmk

      ♫♪ We are the worrrrrrrrrld…
      We are the snark mob…
      ♪♫

    • Michael Smith

      Yeah, I mean if I worked at Wonkette I would be super excited. “So.. can we go to the bar then” would probably be what I’d be saying.

    • MrPendent

      It seems to me that loss of a server at a job that openly advocates day-drinking might void any health plan you have.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s a small comfort. I’m happy I’m not behind Idaho in this case. That is SOOOO embarrassing.

    • proudgrampa

      “But no sing-alongs, OK?”
      What? No chorus of “Kumbaya?”

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        We should all join hands and sing “We Shall Overcome”.

    • elviouslyqueer
      • Beaumarchais?

        How can Zach Efron dance like that and be straight?

        • aureolaborealis

          Um …

          • Beaumarchais?

            Oh, did I miss something? Damn this server.

      • Marsupial99

        WILDCATS!!

      • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

        All together…. as long the sexy, good looking kids are in the front and the ugly ones are in the back?

  • Ravini

    For Chrissakes just go with Squarespace or something. And get rid of those stinky pop up ads while you’re at it.

    • House0fTheBlueLights

      Or Blogger!

      • aureolaborealis

        Or GeoCities!

      • Tansy Geek

        Does that still exist?

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Aaaaaand Tracktown USA just hit 96 F, and we’ve still got two hours to go before peak heat time in the afternoon!

    Update at 1500 PDT: We’re at 99.6! Still climbing. The AC and fans are good!

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Still at 62%? Or is the frozen thermometer (so to speak) a symptom of the problem.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I think it’s the full moon. Let’s just explain it with woo and forget about facts, it’s how the teabaggers work.

      • Tansy Geek

        The full moon is emitting EMPs that are causing excessive humidity, frizzy hair and an inability to leave Wonkette alone long enough to generate healing chi.

  • AlanInSF

    You need a better pitch-person. I’m thinking Flynn White.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Billy Mays.

      Oh, wait, he’s gone to the giant Ron Popeil showroom in the sky.

  • Tansy Geek

    Holy fucknuts! A new thing has appeared! Let’s go see if it’s still there…it is, it is! And allows comments! Glee! Joy etc!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Your DNS is smarter than mine, which is still operating in sometime yesterday, it appears…

  • 19th Amendment

    *Sigh* Absence makes the heart grow fonder?

    https://youtu.be/DorOEvwzxO8

  • Toomush_Infer

    For the love of God, Montressor!….

  • kindness

    Broken again? I thought you just got $15K? Off to Vegas for the good folks at the office I guess and hell, let that Wonkette Broken post ride.

    I know I saw new posts just a while ago but now I’m back to this at the front page.

    • Major_Major_Major

      DDOS attack by the RWNJs? Sure they have the technical capabilities.. What am I saying, of course they don’t. Internets aren’t in the bibble.

  • Pierre_de_Fermat

    Uh-oh … was working just a short time ago. Maybe the DNS the service provider uses is finding the old site?

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    Soon I will be forced to resort to Reddit, or worse, Metafilter.

  • Major_Major_Major

    Damnation, was able to access one new article, then…nuthin else
    Fraid Ima gettin’ sucked into a non-Wonkette heritage flag vortex.

    • Rick Hill

      Well, we don’t have to let it get us down! We can do like the old days, before we had computers or fire and write our own stupid republican stories! It can’t be that hard, can it? I’ll start:

      Today Paul Walker and Tom Cruz were at a thing and there were a lot of conservatives there becase they wanted to be president of all of us so they paid a lot of money to hear them say the stupid things they always say. The conservatives are also so stupid they laughed at the stupid things they said and went home and fired everyone who wasn’t them.
      The End.

  • This is why we can’t have nice things.

  • Sharkey

    That’s right, it only costs $15,000 to break a website.

  • Beaumarchais?

    Is it Groundhog Day already?

    • cousin itt

      Is it Groundhog Day already?

  • Hey guys.

    I am really sorry that some of you cannot see the new server. Your ISP’s are using slow and lazy DNS servers, that probably also refer to Czechoslovakia on their world maps…

    I do have one last ditch workaround that may help in the meantime. It’s easier than gathering a group of Hobbits for a march on Mount Doom.

    http://www.wikihow.com/Flush-DNS

    • georgiaburning

      Flushing didn’t help. My ISP’s servers are located in Austria-Hungary, long live Franz Josef.

      • bobbert

        Ditto. Although I think my location may be worse. San Jose.

        Thanks, AT&T.

      • jmk

        Flushing does nothing on my company network… nothing, dammit!! It’s like they don’t WANT me to play with the Wonketariat while they pay me to do other stuff!! How is that even fair??

        I can read the posts on my phone, but not the comments (which are not allowed). The best I can do is open my Disqus profile, click Wonkette under “Frequented Communities,” and click the Comments link under each post headline. If I click the headline, I get “page not found.”

        The last day or so has made it very clear to me that if I brought this level of commitment and ingenuity to my actual job, I would be Empress of All Technical Writers by now.

    • Joshua Norton

      It’s weird, I can pull in the updated site on my new Andriod tablet running Chrome, but my laptop off the same wifi using Firefox and Chrome can’t see it yet. Flushing the DNS doesn’t do diddly, unfortunately.

    • doktorzoom

      Also worth a try: try manually setting your DNS — search “Manually set DNS” and include your operating system, and that may do the trick — worked for me after DNS flush didn’t. Here’s the site what worked for me, easy-peasy: https://www.opennicproject.org/configure-your-dns/
      Just find your OS in the list and go to town.

      Edit: I see Windows 8 is not on that list; you’ll want to google “manually set DNS windows 8” for that one.

      It will be nice not to have to email my drafts to Kaili in the morning.

      • bobbert

        Yeah. 8.8.8.8 worked.

      • cousin itt

        There is no try. There is only snark or not.

      • Pierre_de_Fermat

        I decided to wait until AT&T updated. Fine now and I got some sleep, but I see Trix’ post (that I’m replying to) is gone in the new version.

      • Msgr_Moment

        Not to be that guy, but what do I enter for DNS server address[es]?
        (Windows 7)

        Anyone have a map to Mt. Doom?

        • aureolaborealis

          Just enter your home address, being sure to include a phone number.

          • Msgr_Moment

            Sorry. Figgered it out. Need to repeat Reading Instructions 101.

    • OooShiny

      Hey didja hear the one about the lady named Marge who died? Well, it seems she died and went to heaven where she met Saint Peter at the Pearly Gates.

      PETER: Hey Marge. I’ll let you into heaven if you can spell just one word: Love.
      MARGE: L-O-V-E.

      PETER: Perfect! Here’s your keycard for the gates. Hey I need to make a quick pit stop; could you run the Pearlies for me till I get back? You know what to do.
      MARGE: Sure thing, Pete.

      MARGE: Tra-la-la-la. Wow these clouds sure are fluffy.
      MARGE: Hey here comes a new customer!
      MARGE: Harold, my earthly husband, what are YOU doing here??!

      HAROLD: Well, when you died I was so overwhelmed with grief that I just fell over dead.
      MARGE: Okay, you can get into heaven if you spell just one word.

      HAROLD: You’ll let me in If I can spell just one word??
      MARGE: For sure.

      HAROLD: Okay, I’m ready!
      MARGE: “Czechoslovakia.”

    • aureolaborealis

      I tried variations of that theme yesterday, but they didn’t quite get the job done. One flush per the instructions at your link, and all was right in the world again.

      (It sucks to be the rest of you chumps.)

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    At the very top: “also lawyers and guns”…
    What about pot brownies? I make really good pot brownies.

  • elpinche

    How do you flush on an Amiga 500? My baud is set to 502.

    • Unsphexish

      Format DH0:

      That’ll flush anything.

  • Vecciojohn

    Fare thee well, comrades! It’s been good ta know ya, but once again you’ve moved away from the old house without leaving a forwarding address and this time I’ll probably never find you again except by mistake.

    We’ll meet again ?
    Don’t know where
    Don’t know when
    But I know we’ll meet again
    Some sunny day ?

  • cousin itt

    Why am I back here again? What god did I piss off?

    • a_pink_poodle

      Maybe they really did take the money and make a run for the border!

    • Everhope

      Not a question of which god, but how many?

  • Boko999

    Wassup, is this some class of broken record?

  • blaid droog

    Like I told ya three months ago it’s all this high living, Alice. Shoulda bought the honda.

  • New00

    Comment 1000

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