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Now you can have an authentic Donald Trump experience in your own home

Not that it’s likely to cause even the least hiccup in his campaign prospects, but here’s a whole new Donald Trump mess that’s actually old: the Daily Beast reminds us that during his very classy and completely amicable divorce from Ivana, the former Mrs. Trump accused Donald of raping her. This is not entirely unknown, as the incident is discussed in a 1993 book, Lost Tycoon: The Many Lives of Donald J. Trump, by Harry Hurt III, which is really not a porn name at all. The details of the accusation, from a deposition in the divorce case, are sordid and gross, and not only because they involve Donald Trump. Also, the Daily Beast piece informs us that one of Trump’s attorneys, Michael Cohen, is one huge asshole; his epic hissy-fit at Daily Beast reporters Tim Mak and Brandy Zadrozny is a story in itself. Will any of it hurt the Trump campaign? Why would it? Trump supporters love him because he’s a sociopath, and for all we know, a little rape story could actually boost his popularity since the mean liberal media is beating up on him.

So, a condensed version of the gross alleged event in 1989:

After a painful scalp reduction surgery to remove a bald spot, Donald Trump confronted his then-wife, who had previously used the same plastic surgeon.

“Your fucking doctor has ruined me!” Trump cried.

What followed was a “violent assault,” according to Lost Tycoon. Donald held back Ivana’s arms and began to pull out fistfuls of hair from her scalp, as if to mirror the pain he felt from his own operation. He tore off her clothes and unzipped his pants.

And then the rape, which Hurt says Ivana told “several of her closest confidantes” about, specifically saying, “He raped me.”

The Daily Beast notes that in 1993, Trump denied that he raped his wife, or that he ever had scalp-reduction surgery, both of which appear to be equally distasteful assertions, calling them “obviously false.”

Why would anyone trust an unattractive writer, after all? The really cool stuff comes when the Daily Beast reporters ask Michael Cohen — consigliere for the Trump Organization (who also thinks Mike Hucakbee was dead-on in saying that with the Iran nuke deal, Obama is both Hitler and Neville Chamberlain) — about the event, and we learn a whole bunch of neat things about criminal law from Donald Trump’s attorney:

“It’s not the word that you’re trying to make it into,” Cohen told The Daily Beast, saying Ivana Trump was talking about how “she felt raped emotionally… She was not referring to it [as] a criminal matter, and not in its literal sense, though there’s many literal senses to the word.”

Cohen added that there is no such thing, legally, as a man raping his wife. “You cannot rape your spouse,” he said. “There’s very clear case law.”

Mak and Zadrozny point out that this is not exactly what you could call “true,” in that it is completely incorrect, because New York’s “marital rape exemption” was struck down in 1984.

CNN’s story on the incident notes as well that “Marital rape today is illegal in all 50 states and non-consensual sex between spouses does in fact constitute rape.”

After delivering that bit of flawless legal interpretation, the Daily Beast reporters say that Cohen went on a charm offensive worthy of his boss:

“I will make sure that you and I meet one day while we’re in the courthouse. And I will take you for every penny you still don’t have. And I will come after your Daily Beast and everybody else that you possibly know,” Cohen said. “So I’m warning you, tread very fucking lightly, because what I’m going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me?”

“You write a story that has Mr. Trump’s name in it, with the word ‘rape,’ and I’m going to mess your life up… for as long as you’re on this frickin’ planet… you’re going to have judgments against you, so much money, you’ll never know how to get out from underneath it,” he added.

We have read that story, and after a quick news scan, it does not in fact appear that either Daily Beast writer has yet been stomped into itty bitty pieces. But they’d better just wait, we guess — as should everyone who knows them.

When Lost Tycoon was published, Trump’s legal team managed to persuade the publisher to include a voluntary statement from Ivana in which she backed away from her deposition in the divorce case, saying that at the time that she felt “violated,” but did not want her “words to be interpreted in a literal or criminal sense.”

Cohen explained to the reporters Monday that they shouldn’t write the story at all, because there was absolutely nothing rapey way back in the past, which was a long time ago, explaining, “There is nothing reasonable about you wanting to write a story about somebody’s usage of the word ‘rape,’ when she’s talking [about how] she didn’t feel emotionally satisfied.” He added, “You want to ruin your life at the age of 20? You do that, and I’ll be happy to serve it right up to you.”
He then challenged the youngster to go ahead and write his stupid little interweb story because he thinks the reporter’s “an idiot” and the Daily Beast is “a joke,” and “it’s going to be my absolute pleasure to serve you with a $500 million lawsuit.”
It is believed that Cohen then bared his incisors and pounded his chest, then emitted a classic “pant-hoot” challenge before flinging feces at the reporters and departing.

CNN reports that since the Daily Beast report was published, the Trump campaign has carefully pointed out that despite his frequent television appearances as a “Trump advisor,” Cohen is employed by the Trump Organization, not the campaign:

“Mr. Trump speaks for Mr. Trump and nobody but Mr. Trump speaks for him,” a campaign source told CNN on Tuesday morning.

A second campaign source toed the same line and pushed back against the notion that Cohen is a surrogate for the campaign.

“He is speaking as someone who has great insight into Mr. Trump’s skills as an executive,” the source said.

Also, too, Ivana Trump issued a statement explaining that she said a lot of stuff 30 years ago, but for heaven’s sake, that was 30 years ago (and also she signed a confidentiality agreement about the divorce):

I have recently read some comments attributed to me from nearly 30 years ago at a time of very high tension during my divorce from Donald. The story is totally without merit. Donald and I are the best of friends and together have raised three children that we love and are very proud of. I have nothing but fondness for Donald and wish him the best of luck on his campaign. Incidentally, I think he would make an incredible president[.]

We checked, and the first letter of each word does not spell out a desperate coded message for help, so we guess she’s sincere.

And finally, an actual campaign spokesman explained that there was nothing to the claims in the divorce and the book, because it was all just the normal sort of stuff that people say in highly emotional divorces, especially when they are hysterical gold-digging ladies:

A Trump campaign spokesperson said in a statement that the rape accusation “is old news and it never happened.”

“It is a standard lawyer technique, which was used to exploit more money from Mr. Trump especially since he had an ironclad prenuptial agreement,” the spokesperson said.

Besides, you should have seen the incredible quality of the sheets on that bed where the alleged rape never happened. Highest thread count known to man, gold leaf on the headboard, and authentic Renaissance art on the walls. Nothing but a class act all around. And there was never a bald spot. You punks say there was a bald spot, and we’ll rip your fucking lungs out.

[Daily Beast / CNN]

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  • Nounverb911

    “After a painful scalp reduction surgery to remove a bald spot, Donald Trump confronted his then-wife, who had previously used the same plastic surgeon”

    So Donnie’s hair is actually a transplant from Ivana? Where was it donated from?

    • pstockholm

      Seems to be thriving in its new habitat.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Stupid c*&^head.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Stop. You had me at “painful scalp reduction surgery to remove a bald spot.”

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    wow.
    What a truly, truly ugly world in which these people live. You can keep your billions (even if it is not the 10 you claim). I’ll take sanity

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    I predict a bright future ahead in Republican politics for Michael Cohen. He has all the desired attributes.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      He even does laws that make Republicans feel better about themselves.

    • vivian

      I now realize “the scales of justice” means something other than I thought it did.

  • vivian

    Who would imagine that a raging egomaniac with anger management issues might rape his wife.

    • Antimassacree

      Anger Management is Trump’s CEO style.

  • I predict another five point rise for Trump in the polls after this story, with most of the new supporters saying “It’s just the liberal media trying to take Trump down” and the rest saying “bitch deserved it and you can’t rape your spouse.”

  • AmusedAmused

    Here’s the real question:

    Is Michael Cohen married? And if so, how’s he still alive?

    Yeah, that’s two questions, but you know what I mean.

  • Me not sure

    Trump / Cosby : 2016!

    • bluejayray

      Now THERE’S a winning ticket. That will lock in the lady parts vote, for sure! Maybe they could get a token woman like Palin to manage their campaign.

      • HolidayinCambodia

        [Insert Bristol Palin joke here.]

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Sentences that include the words “insert” “Bristol” and “Palin” give me icy chills.

      • Me not sure

        New cabinet post : Secretary of The Inferior.

        • Good_Gawd_Yall

          I love you.

          • Me not sure

            Back at you.

        • bluejayray

          Made me laugh!

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …wait, so Donald Trump raped his wife? I didn’t know he was MEXICAN!?!?!?

    • MrBlobfish

      And some Trumps, I assume, are good people

      • nmmagyar

        Assumes facts not in evidence

        • AngryBlakGuy

          …objection sustained! MrBlobfish you will hence forth refer to all individuals with the sir name “Trump” as either a “asshole” or “shit stain”, until you can present clear evidence to the contrary

          • nmmagyar

            Thank you Your Honor

    • Antimassacree

      Kinda like Heb!

    • Amy!

      See, these Republicans aren’t putting up their best people as candidates. They’re full of frothy nastiness, they’re rapists, they’re dishonest. And some, I assume, are good people.

  • JustPixelz

    “…there’s many literal senses to the word [rape].”

    Literal literally does not mean what you think it means..

    • I feel like if you have to resort to technicalities to make your case that you didn’t rape your wife, you probably raped your wife.

  • Mhael

    Oh, Dok…. handing these clowns something even CLOSE to a Jack Napier reference is entirely too good for them. ;)

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …wow, I can’t believe I forgot that one! Terms that the GOP use to describe their BUTT-HURT and perpetual victimhood:

    -Holocaust
    -Slavery
    -Biblical Catastrophies
    RAPE!!!

    • Malaclypse

      Is there a butt-hurt bingo card out there that I missed out on?

  • MrBlobfish

    President-elect Trump will make America sign a ironclad prenuptial agreement.

  • Lizzietish81

    There was never any bald spot this is my natural hair and not a mind controlling caterpillar at all Trump will sue!

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      De Niall is not just a Harvard republican lickspittle from across the pond.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Parasitic Caterpillar 2016!

    • I would not see Mind Controlling Caterpillars from Mars because caterpillars kind of gross me out. Also, you couldn’t make it without Trump.

  • Me not sure

    Translation : “We didn’t divorce because he raped me, we got divorced because he’s a raging asshole. Also too, I smelled a big payout.”

    • MrBlobfish

      That wasn’t a payout she smelled. It was Donald Trump Cologne by Donald Trump. And mothballs.

      • Me not sure

        Well it does keep the skeeters off.

    • SnarkTank

      I’m sure it had nothing to do with infidelity on either side of the marriage. That would be wrong.

      • Me not sure

        The horror! The horror!

  • Randy Riddle

    My congratulations to the Republican primary front-runner for fulfilling all of my expectations for the GOP in this early election season.

  • Antimassacree

    Leave it to The Donald to take the same degree of umbrage at being accused of being a rapist and being accused of having plastic surgery.

    • Tallmutha

      The best part is where he calls the writer “vindictive.”

  • VandeGraf

    Has Trump ever met Cosby, and, if so, what did they talk about? Rumors abound, allegedly, about the two of them, pants pulled down, in front of a full length mirror, Yet, these alleged rumors are difficult to credit, because it’s difficult to understand what they might be looking at. So, there’s probably nothing to it. In fact, even if there was something to it, there’d be nothing to it.

    • SnarkTank

      And objects in the mirror are NOT larger than they appear.

  • bluejayray

    I’m disgusted by how he pulled out hanks of her hair before not rape-raping her. What a sick asshole he is. I’ll bet his former wife isn’t the only woman to experience his sexual temper tantrums.

    • nmmagyar

      No bet.

  • coozledad

    Because what I’m going to do to you is going to be fucking disgusting. You understand me? TRUMP 2016.

  • Lizzietish81

    Hrm, you know who else had underlings threaten the press?

    • Nounverb911

      Darth Cheney?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Nixon?

      • Antimassacree

        Those nattering nabobs of negativism!

        • Doug Langley

          Pretty sure that was LBJ. But yeah, Nixon definitely crossed the press off his Christmas card list.

          • bobbert

            Nattering nabobs was Spiro.

    • coozledad

      Mariah Carey?

    • MrBlobfish

      Shirtless Vlad Putin?

      • coozledad

        Vlad Putin’s shirt alone threatens press with its standing up by self manly yet fragrant odor. No need to unleash tits of judo on writer men who lack prideful occupation.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      Kim Jong-un?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Jehovah?

      • Blank Ron

        If you control the narrative that closely and STILL come across as a vicious sociopath, you’re doing it REALLY wrong.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Saddam Hussein? But Baghdad Bob was at least funny.

    • AntiDerpomeme

      L Ron Hubbard?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      A whole mess of popes.
      But not new pope, because he is dreamy

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Charlie Sheen?

    • Enfant Terrible

      David Miscavige?

    • calliecallie

      Sean Penn?

      • Lizzietish81

        Wrong! He threatened the reporters himself. And then punched them.

    • OneYieldRegular

      If you want a taste of how President Donald Trump might handle dissent, there it is on a platter.

  • Tallmutha

    Also known as alopecia reduction (AR), galeoplasty (GP), or male pattern reduction (MPR), scalp reductions can result in an unattractive appearance. Performed in the doctor’s office under local anesthesia, the bald part of the scalp at the top or crown of the head is cut away, and the edges of the nearby hair bearing skin are sewn together, bringing the hair-bearing scalp from either side to meet in the middle. In some cases a scar results, commonly known as a “dog ear” scar.

    Scalp reduction problems also include:

    Accelerated hair loss, more than the natural course your hair would take. This hair loss can occur within just weeks or months and often doesn’t return.

    An unnatural appearance because the direction of hair growth is altered.

    Infection

    Hemorrhaging and hematoma (blood pooling)

    Stretch back, a problem in almost 100% of scalp reduction cases. The stretched part of the hair-bearing scalp that has been stitched together loses its tightness and stretches out partially or totally, leaving a visible bald area created by the stretching. The dog ear scar is not only unattractive; it is extremely difficult to repair.

    Suture reaction, in which the stitches in the deep layers below the skin can cause pain and swelling. The body can reject the sutures, causing holes in the scalp at the suture sites.

    Quoted at length for full schadenfreude.

    • Lizzietish81

      you’d think he could afford Hair club for men and that shag carpet replacement.

      Wait…

      • bobbert

        Fuck, even Bill Proxmire could afford plugs..

    • MrBlobfish

      We have a winner: An unnatural appearance because the direction of hair growth is altered.

      • mailman27

        Thus the orange squirrel.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      This explains much…although they didn’t mention the pecker-shrinkage.

    • coozledad

      Acute labial constriction resulting in mouth resembling damp anus.
      Cranial morphology disruption, headaches, confusion, stupidity.

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Zing! I’m no plastic surgeon, but this.

    • As someone currently laying in a hospital bed awaiting spinal surgery in a few hours, I’d like to thank you for making what I’m about to go through seem much less disgusting and scary.

      • marxalot

        Hey, look at it this way: if something does go wrong, you’ll never feel it! I’ll show myself out.
        But for serious: here’s to victory!

        • To VICTORY!

          • elviouslyqueer

            Good luck my friend. Sending you a million sloppy EQ kisses and maybe an obligatory fap, also too.

          • Thank you, lover — your saliva shall be my salve!

            *smooooch!*

      • Toomush_Infer

        Ask not for whom the scalp-reduction therapy tolls for… hey, our best thoughts are with you, friend…

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Best wishes from this total stranger.

        • Sometimes, those are the best best wishes of all. Thank you, total stranger.

      • Doug Langley

        Good luck!

      • jmk

        Good luck!! And may it not be long before we’re all saying “Molotov!” for your successful surgery!!

        • Thank you, jmk! You’e the morphine beneath my wings…and right now I am soooaarring!

          Catch ya on the flip side, commie froggie!

          • jmk

            Sgt. Frog’s fingers are crossed for you!!

          • Way t’go, Sarge — it worked!
            Should be back on the front lines soon.

            Thanks again…

          • jmk

            Woot!! Molotov!!

      • Whale Chowder

        Here’s to your doctor’s steady hand. Hope you’re up and around soon and without pain.

        • My doc rocked steady, yo.

          Thanks for the good vibes and well wishes, barrel of dead fishes.

      • OneYieldRegular

        Oh dammit to hell; I was hoping that MRI had resulted in good news. To victory indeed, for you and the whole surgical team, who are no doubt ecstatic not to be performing bald-spot reduction surgery on Donald Trump.

        • Running it out of steam, both literally and phone-i-ly, so will keep this short…

          Thanks for the well wishes, pal! Alas, that last MRI was not only not good news, it was really, really bad news. As in, disc busting out all over the place, and permanent paralysis rapidly approaching. (Check other replies for mor deets.)

          Thankful, everything seems to have gone well, and I’m in recovery & pain management mode. Which, considering what wing I’m in, should be no problemo:

          https://uploads.disquscdn.com/images/b5744b53bcccf3e7c1e2f1afeb97c15729cbec6ea29b51c24658cfad3fbaa163.jpg

          Here’s to friends like you, dude!

          ===#~

          Michael

          • Blank Ron

            Oh, WOW, man…

          • “WOW” is right, man – my nurse’s frickin’ flip-phone pic gave me Jacob’s Ladder face!

      • BJW

        Best wishes. I had a cervical spinal fusion, and well, it was okay. Hope yours goes well!!

        • I really hope that you’re holding up — my brother had the same, only with L4-6, I believe. “Well, it was okay,” is about the highest rating you can give such a procedure, it seems. Hang in there!

          I had the opposite type of thing done: Surgeon cut away a bunch of disc tissue that had splooged out (actual medical term)*. He said it looked like a “jar of crab meat” when he was done. Best part is that after pathology checks it out, I get to take it home. AWESOME!

          *[See reply to Tallmutha for pic…if you dare]

          • BJW

            Mine was over a year ago. I can lift up to a point, but I don’t try heavy lifting. And I’m female so never did the real heavy thing anyway. It helped my neck some. So you’re right, “okay” is fine. Yours sounds yucky in an interesting way. Best wishes on it going super well!

          • It sounds like you’ve been fighting a long, tough slog. I hope things continue to improve, that soon you’re able to hold your head high without pain while simultaneously making other people do your grunt work. ; )

          • Becky Wiren

            Well, I have fibromyalgia so the surgery couldn’t do anything for that. BUT…I’m taking a new drug that makes me more functional. I’m back to working part-time.

            Yes, I’ll stay tuned for the jar, although I’m a bit squeamish. But hey, it’s just a picture. Can’t be as bad as the cat barf I stepped in yesterday morning with a BARE FOOT…YUCK!! And I will hope for your speedy recovery too!

          • bobbert

            Jar Jar Crabmeat?

          • Meesa just eatsa yousa spine??

          • BJW

            I think I saw the pic, looked serious. I still have pain in my neck, but less in the region where I had the fusion. I also have suffered with fibromyalgia my entire adult life, which made convalescence very slow.

            It’s just that the surgeon was looking at one thing, and was so positive! Of course there was hope that maybe my overall body pain would lesson and I think it did. However, an additional drug has made the difference even more marked, and I am much less in pain and even working.

            Hope your surgery goes well, and you heal QUICKLY.

          • I’n glad that your “forest for the trees” initial treatment at least had some positive results, and hopeful that this new drug will help you lead a less painful and much happier life going forward. (I was on Neurotonin — aka Gabapentin — which is a seizure blocker also used to treat debilitating nerve pain. Changed my life.)

            Thanks again, have a great day, and stay healthy my friend!

          • BJW

            Hey, Gabapentin is what is really helping me! After going to docs for 10 years, I finally got to a rheumatologist. (I live in the country.) So in less than 3 months, I went from saying, “I’m too sick to work” to “I want a job.”

            You stay healthy too. And do NOT try to overdo stuff after surgery. Better to do mild exercise and postpone lifting. It took me months to lift much. And if I lifted too much, say, a big cat litter container…OOO! Ouch. Take good care of yourself.

      • Slamtundra

        Good luck from another total stranger. I had the same sort of thing a few years ago; I went to sleep with pain that made me want to die and woke up without it. It was amazing.

        • Super glad that the blood-sugar-sex-magick worked wonders on you. I hope that you’re still doing great.

          My metamorphosis wasn’t quite as dramatic, but I did receive bedroom eyes and sparkling conversation from a delightful little anesthesiologist named Dr. Roxy who administered the Reverse Cowboy on me before I went under, so I ain’t complaining!

          Stay well, stranger!

      • bobbert

        The fuck has happened to you? I thought you already had the surgery. And this has all happened in the last year? Man, I don’t think I’ve followed this very well.

        Well, I hope you’re reading this on the other end of the surgery, and that it was entirely successful. Best fucking wishes.

        • Get fucking with it, man!

          Yeah, this has all happened this year. It’s been a goddamn doozy! This was my first, and hopefully last surgery; try to fucking keep up, man. I’m hoping to be discharged after my Gold Club dancer volunteer sponge bath.

          Thanks a fucking lot for the fucking well wishes and shit.

      • Blank Ron

        A day late here, but I hope everything went acceptably well for you.
        See if you can get them to give you ice cream.

        • It went more than acceptably well, and then it totally didn’t, and then it kinda did again, and now it’s once more more than acceptably well and mega-meds-tastic, so HOORAY for the best relatively affordable care that Obama can buy!

          (No ice cream, though. Thanks, obstructionist Republicunts!)

          Thanks, as well – honest to Gog, and from the heart – for the very kind words, and for the relentless showing of upvoted (née “upfisted”) comment support. It’s never gone unnoticed or unappreciated, so please don’t take my shamefully lazy lack of more regularly returning the favor to mean anything other than that I’m a shamefully lazy and lacking man.

          (Haha, just kidding, I fucking rock, dude, and so do fucking you!)

          • Blank Ron

            Yes. Yes you do.

    • elviouslyqueer

      YUMMY.

  • Wonkaholic

    I, too, think The Donald would make an incredible president.

    “Incredible” still means beyond belief, right?

    • bobbert

      Incroyable. Oui.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Narcissus ain’t got nothing on Donnie.

    • Antimassacree

      He must wear out mirrors after about 6 weeks.

  • Belasaurius

    a rape story with a pic of those butt-plugs is almost too much to bear. Fortunately I keep whiskey in my desk. (takes drink) All better.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Your move, Santorum.

    • Antimassacree

      About that man-on-dog stuff. Well, here’s the thing…

  • Spotts1701

    Oh, and here’s his “sorry for the words I used, but not sorry for threatening to curb-stomp a couple of reporters” statement:

    “As an attorney, husband and father there are many injustices that offend me but nothing more than charges of rape or racism. They hit me at my core. Rarely am I surprised by the press, but the gall of this particular reporter to make such a reprehensible and false allegation against Mr. Trump truly stunned me. In my moment of shock and anger, I made an inarticulate comment – which I do not believe — and which I apologize for entirely,”

    • Lizzietish81

      Inarticulate means nobody could understand it.

      We all understood this one perfectly well.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Translation: Rape; not so bad. The ACCUSATION on the other hand…

    • jmk

      It’s interesting that he considers “charges of rape or racism” to be “injustices.”

      Dude…the racists and the MRA/PUA assholes are already in your corner. No need to pander so blatantly.

      • OneYieldRegular

        Charges of rape or racism are injustices, but a multi-paragraph threat to utterly destroy someone’s life is just an inarticulate oversight.

    • Whale Chowder

      Hey, what’s the problem? It’s not like he threatened to throw the reporter off a balcony and break him LIKE A BOY.

    • Mary

      The reporter made him do it.

    • Blank Ron

      I should get him to submit this for my new book, ‘The Art of the Non-Apology,’ available at stores everywhere this Christmas season!

  • MrBlobfish

    By doing so, he will take the Trumps and march them to the door of the oven

  • Relativicus

    If the Daily Beast, or whoever decided to resurrect this story, thought it would damage Trump (Trummmmmmmmmmmmmmmm-pah!), then whoever is a goddamn idiot. Stories of this type will only fuel Trump (TrimpTrampTrump!) and solidify his support to the density of a neutron star. The only thing that will stop Trump (TrumpityTrumpTrumpTrump) is starving him of attention. And the only thing that will do that in 2015 during a presidential campaign is nuclear war. Probably. Short of him saying “niggerniggernigger” while speaking to the Congressional Black Caucus, and quite possibly not even then, Trump (Trump?Trump!) will gain the Republican nomination. I mean, if Romney could make the rest of the field in the 2012 debates curl into a ball, Trump (T.R.U.M.P.) will have them all weeping and asking for jobs. After that, it’s just TV ads and appearances. Then he can to the important business of calling Ms. Clinton a hag, and ugly, and all of the other things we should expect him to say about her.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Meh I predict he will fall out of the race just at the height of his popularity, but not until the under 10 or so drop out.
      I mean, isn’t he due for a bankrupcy?

      • Relativicus

        He sure is, but that wouldn’t stop him or his supporters. For an ego the size of Trump’s (Trump:( ), he could not ask for a larger stage or a bigger ego-feeding extravaganza than his current campaign, and I sincerely doubt he has it in him to go out while he’s on top. This stuff feeds on itself. The longer he goes, I think, the more likely it is he goes as far as he can get with the GOP. Should he not get the nomination, that would provide him with the out so he could claim conspiracy but declare getting on the ballot as an independent is too difficult. But I doubt he’d take the out.

        • nmmagyar

          His vanity run cannot make it that far – he simply doesn’t have a base large enough to make it sustainable. His shit slinging is well received now, but not well enough to turn into any sort of movement. He fails the religious test that is required of R candidates, isn’t a Libertarian-ish Rand worshiper, isn’t anti-choice, isn’t anti-gay

          • Relativicus

            You’re probably right, but may be underestimating their ability to ignore apostasy in favor of boorishness. At least until it’s too late.

          • Blank Ron

            I find myself thinking that, if increasing his support would mean he has to adopt anti-choice and/or anti-gay positions, he will. We already know that he has no qualms about saying whatever he thinks his audience wants to hear – and that he’s good at sussing out just what that is.

      • elviouslyqueer

        I mean, isn’t he due for a bankrupcy?

        I’ll take “What is Yup, Once Again,” Alex.

      • Bill Slider

        Trump has announced he is selling his NYC condo for $21 million. He has never lived in it apparently, and tried to sell it a few years ago for $35 million. Further, his daughter says the sale has nothing to do with the campaign. It was really early when I saw this story, but I think it was an AP wire report picked up by WTOP All News Radio (103.5), from their webpage.

    • Enfant Terrible

      Questions about *policy* will make him run away so fast, he’d be red-shifted.

      • Antimassacree

        Maybe he can borrow Sheldon’s Halloween costume from a few seasons back.

      • Relativicus

        Yeah, I don’t agree. Mostly because policy takes a backseat to personality, even loathsome personalities (Hi, Rick Santorum!), but also because if a two-bit worm like Walker can Three-card Monty the electorate through double-talk and vague generalization, a true, genetically-pure media creature like Trump (trumP¡) will easily sleight-of-hand his way through policy questions. And that presupposes there’ll be actual policy questions of any substance posed to him. They are the sort of “gotcha” questions the American public is tired of, after all.

        • mailman27

          Take Chuck Todd. Please.

        • bobbert

          I’m much more worried about Walker stealthing his way past questions. Trump will give answers. He’s not a politician — he’s a trust-fund baby who inherited and became CEO of his own organization. He is accustomed to being able to say any fucking thing, without pushback. I predict that this behavior will continue.

    • As long as he says it this way to the Congressional Black Caucaus, it’ll be classy: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TIt_GWidjg

      • Relativicus

        That’s true, and by adding the “a” instead of the “er” he further burnishes his street-cried with the blahs.

      • Amy!

        A couple of ‘g’s, an ‘r’ and ‘e,’, an ‘i’ and an ‘n’ ….

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KVN_0qvuhhw

    • anniegetyerfun

      To be fair, the Daily Beast only cares about clicks. Not actual issues, causes, or campaigns.

      • Zippy

        To be fair, the entire Mainstream Media only cares about clicks

        FIFY

      • bobbert

        Blind hog. Acorn.

    • bobbert

      I suppose this could turn out badly, but I’m loving the Trumpmentum. He’s got something like 25% support among Republicans, so 10% of all voters. Now, if he gets the nom, a lot of the Repos will lean towards him, but then we’d really be in an existential crisis: are we — US America — that fucking nuts? Maybe we should find out.

      • Blank Ron

        If it works out poorly for you, there’s still places you can run to. But phone ahead, okay? I may need to change the sheets.

  • Ryan Denniston

    No matter how many times he fantasizes about showering with the girls in high school, Huckabee at least could keep it in his head (until he campaigned in 2015). I guess Trump is a man of action, befitting his current party.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Fuck. me. sideways. These “people” are awful.

    • bobbert

      You may need to shop that into some kind of hyperspace version, because there are only fifteen months left, and the assholery is likely to be exponential.

  • marxalot

    Back on the Wonkette diet plan.

    • Ryan Denniston

      26 minutes till noon.

      • marxalot

        Where you are, sure.

  • Msgr_Moment

    To be fair to Mr. Cohen, what he meant to say was that you can’t roller skate in a buffalo herd.

    • Querolous

      But ya can be happy if you’ve a mind to

    • bobbert

      Why would you want to be fair to Mr. Cohen?

  • calliecallie

    The only thing about this that surprises me is that it’s so early in the campaign.

    • bobbert

      Shit, the campaign started in November 2012.

  • calliecallie

    I’m waiting to hear what Todd Akin has to say about this. Or Bill Cosby.

    • Steven M. Harries

      Bill “Loofah” O’Reilly. Viagra Rush. Kelsey “Babysitter” Grammer. Ted “Teen Raper” Nugent.

      The GOP is full of role models.

      • David “Diaper Boy” Vitter…

      • Celtic_Gnome

        Mark “Congressional Intern” Foley.

  • Steven M. Harries

    “Ivana”
    “No, the Donlad, IDon’tVanna.”
    “Tough luck, Whore.”

    [FADE TO BLACK]

    Nine months later, Giuliani emerges . . .

  • ThePuckStopsHere

    Bet that not only was it not classy,it wasn’t huuuuuge, either,

  • anniegetyerfun

    Sounds like Mr. Cohen is going to get a promotion! To Veep!

    • Reddishrabbit

      Hasn’t Palin locked that up? I was thinking Attorney General.

      • AnOuthouse

        Head of federal reserve

      • Wendel

        Chief policy advisor

    • nmmagyar

      It would certainly prove that Mr. Trump has a great relationship with The Jews

      • Wendel

        And that they love him.

        • Blank Ron

          While technically and grammatically correct, I don’t really think ‘these coupla Joos I pay to say nice things about me’ counts as ‘they.’

  • blaid droog

    it seems to me, if dickwad cheney could keep a supply of terrorists in gitmo to keep supplying him with replaceable hearts, the monster men call trump could have the krupp family keep a stable full of free range blonde hair boys to replace the weasels on his head as they die of toxic shock. just a thought, after all with 10 billion the trumpster could buy anything he wants except dignity and microsoft.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Remind me…which one of $arah’s kids is named Trump?

    • elviouslyqueer

      AOT, K.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      The classy one.

  • Mavenmaven

    “See? This is a man who could stand up to Putin!!!”

    • Hardly Ideal

      Pfff, Putin’s cold stare alone could silence a colicing baby. My money says “President” Trump would wet himself if Putin even touched the safety cover of his nuclear button.

    • Doug Langley

      Remember the dinner where Obama tossed a gentle jibe in Trump’s direction and he ran home crying to Mommy?

  • Callyson

    “You cannot rape your spouse,” he said. “There’s very clear case law.”

    You’d think that Donald Trump’s money could buy a lawyer who could come up with something better that this line FFS…

    • Mary

      It’s pretty obvious Michael Cohen got hired for his sycophancy, not his negligible legal skills.

      • bobbert

        Ehh, he’s just a few years behind on his reading.

  • Callyson

    “a voluntary statement from Ivana” = “bitch, if you don’t sign you aren’t getting a penny” :-(

    • Zippy

      or she’s gotten plenty and is so well set that she’s happy to keep the gravy train rolling

      • bobbert

        “It was so long ago, and I got such a big settlement”.

  • Toomush_Infer

    Could we just lay off The Donald until we’re sure he’ll make the FAUX debates?….Oh, we’re sure?….. well, that douchebag, then!….

  • Hammiepants

    This is beginning to be unfunny. This guy at the very least is a sociopath.

    • Zippy

      and the base loves him because of that- the entire GOP has gone completely batshitinsane

    • Daniel P

      To Republicans, this is a feature, not a bug.

    • Hardly Ideal

      On the other hand, I’m now curious about how he’d do with Robert Hare’s checklist.

    • bobbert

      They’re ALL sociopaths. Donny is just rich enough that he doesn’t have to dissemble.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Why stop with women? Apparently, he wants to bring rape to foreign policy. That is some YOUUUUGE ambition!

    http://www.vox.com/2015/7/28/9057899/donald-trump-steal-oil

  • janecita

    So basically, the whole Trump Organization is composed of assholes and douche bags.

    • TundraGrifter

      I sincerely hope that didn’t come as much of a surprise to you.

    • TundraGrifter

      I sincerely hope that didn’t come as much of a surprise to you.

      • janecita

        I wish that I could say that it did.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      There might be some ass-bags and douche-holes, which will throw your count off.

      • bobbert

        Ass-douches? Bag-holes? Might work.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Hairplugs, meet buttplugs.

  • Metadude

    Trump just opened up a 2-1 lead over Heb! in NH. Keep it classy, GOP!

  • timpundit

    I just always assumed Trump was a rapist.

    • TundraGrifter

      Thank you, Jimmy Walker.

    • TheBidenator

      Yeah it would be like learning that Brian Kilmeade doesn’t use the rape drugs on women….very difficult to believe.

      • Wendel

        So glad you brought up Kilmeade. That would make for a whole other discussion. That guy needs a thorough probing.

        • Blank Ron

          Ew.

  • OneYieldRegular

    When does the United States get its prenuptial agreement with Donald Trump? Because if ever anything needed to be ironclad…

  • major_asshole

    I for one think it is HILARIOUS that the lawyer used, in order, “fuck,” “fuck,” “frickin’.” What, is the third “fuck” when the chestburster appears and eats your soul?

    Also, it doesn’t matter whether or not the human-sized shitstain Cohen is a spokesman for the campaign or connected to it in any way–the fact is, he’s connected to TRUUUUUUUUUMP. Which means that we’re getting not the genteel, affable, nuanced thoughts Trump speaks on the campaign trail, but the brash, bold, even-kneeled, level-headed thoughts he has in business–the business he runs like a well-oiled machine that has made sure he has never needed the protection of bankruptcy law.

  • Candy Apple

    Ew.

  • Dee Andee

    Goodness, Mr. Cohen, you’re so testy! Your anger and threats make you look rather frightened. It makes one wonder what illegal things YOU’VE done that might come out if if you fail to make reporters afraid to dig.

  • TundraGrifter

    Is Chump’s lawyer Michael Cohen or MIckey Cohen?

    His entire shtick is “we’ll sue.” What losers! Of course he’s going to abandon this attorney. There’s a hundred waiting in line for the job.

  • Barbara Delaney

    Remember when these two fine specimens of republican womanhood met face to face?

    There was a report in the Anchorage Daily News from 1996 about a “commercial fisherman” from Wasilla, Alaska who drove two hours to see Ivana Trump at JC Penney, Sarah Palin said “We want to see Ivana, because we are so desperate in Alaska for any semblance of glamor and culture.”

    Think about that for a moment…Sarah thought Ivana was “cultured”. I call bullshit on the reporter who quoted Sarah using the word semblance. Either it’s an outright fabrication, in the Jayson Blair school of journalistic ethics, or it’s before she catapulted off of one of Todd’s snow machines and hit a tree head on.

    • Wendel

      After being holed up with Toad and that family, Sarah would view anyone coming down the pike as classy, even Ivana.

    • bobbert

      Oh, I believe “semblance”. Sarah knows a lot of words. The meanings, not so much. But once in a while, randomness will lead to apparent meaning.

  • Paperless Tiger

    Call me back when Ivana makes up her mind, if any.

  • Poly_Ester

    Often the only difference between a sociopath and a psychopath is an arrest record.

  • snigsy

    If anyone’s a rapist, it’s Obama. Because Hitler.

    • bobbert

      I’ll upfist this as non-sequiter of the day.

  • TheBidenator

    I like this lawyer…it’s like someone took a piece of Donald’s mutant alien hair and grew a life form out of it and then raised it Jewish. I hope to hear more of Mr. Cohen’s statements in the weeks to come, between himself, Trump, Carl Paladino, Michael Grimm and Chris Christy I’m thinking the GOP has completely cornered the market on loudmouth East Coast assholes….you stay classy, GOP.

    • Cornering the market in loudmouth East Coast assholes was the GOP’s long-term goal after wrapping up the market on inbred rednecks and racist bible-thumpers.

    • bobbert

      I was assuming Cohen WAS Michael Grimm.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Snark off: Trump has an emotional age of about four.

    I mean really, has there ever been anyone so thin-skinned running for president? Every time someone criticizes him, he responds in the most childish way possible. He has tantrums. What kind of adult could take him seriously, about anything?

    • Whollyholeyholy

      But he speaks his mind. Like drunks and people with senile dementia.

      • TheBidenator

        John Boehner libel!

        • WIDTAP

          Oompa Loompa libel!

    • TheBidenator

      He’s running for the GOP nomination so I think you just answered your own question. These are people who reject evolution out-of-hand because it contradicts a literal interpretation of an obvious fairytale FFS….

      These are people who reject climate change as a science because it means they won’t be able to roll coal anymore and will need to alter their lifestyle to prevent us from killing ourselves….

      I could go on and on about the weird and stupid things wingnuts believe and their rejection of facts to maintain these views but Trump’s emotional maturity and tantrum throwing is right at home with them.

    • Barley_Brains

      Here’s a citizen opinion quote from today’s local fish wrap:

      “Here’s why Donald Trump should be the Republican presidential nominee. He’s the only one who’s got the guts to take on the Democrats and who would recommend solving the immigration problem, getting rid of Obamacare and bringing jobs back to this country. We have gutless Republicans who might as well be Democrats who do not have the courage of Donald Trump. Therefore, he should be the nominee of the Republican Party.”

      Appears that the kind of adult who takes him seriously is the kind of adult who is totally divorced from reality and speaks in continuous non sequiturs. They make a lot of noise in today’s Jesus America.

  • WIDTAP

    The new Trump 2016 Campaign Poster

    • bobbert

      Man, he IS short-fingered.

  • Chick_Tract_Fil_A

    I successfully performed the entire lawyer’s speech from the Goodfellas soundboard in Joe Pesci voice.

    • Warpde

      I went with De Niro Taxi Driver mirror thingy myself.

  • LoveSW_Prequels

    You can “remove” bald spots? Does a bunch of new hair come poping out?

    • Doug Langley

      I once removed an actor’s bald spot on a video years back with motion graphics software, a kind of animated Photoshop. Pretty sure The Donald meant something else. Or . . . DID . . . he???

      • Blank Ron

        If the Donald is CGI he needs to hire better animators. And scriptwriters.

  • JD Mulvey

    So what ever happened to the alleged zillion-dollar lawsuit Donald was filing against Univision?

    So three weeks ago… Now they’re the best of friends, and incidentally, Univision thinks he would make a TERRIFIC President.

  • malsperanza

    So, this Michael Cohen fellow, he’s representing Michael Grimm in his appeal, I take it?

  • “I have nothing but respect for the guy who just implied I’m a lying gold-digging ho”

  • “Trumpy, you can do manic things!”

  • sillyclucker

    I wonder how much scalp he lost before he gave up and planted that chia pet?

  • Celtic_Gnome

    If I was Trump, I’d be more upset about the revelation of scalp reduction surgery than rape.

    • bobbert

      Sounds like he was.

  • ssohara

    I tend to vote Republican and I am APPALLED that Trump is apparently in the lead… he is the PT Barnum of politics. People around the world must be laughing at the circus act of the US election.

    • empty pockets

      Here we are two months after your comment and it’s worse. The rest of the world isn’t laughing anymore. Neither am I. You probably are far worse than appalled now, too. The divisions that have been purposefully widened by progressive leftists in the last 7 years are now also being exploited by this snake oil salesman. Worse, the supposed “adults” in either major Party are such self-centered egotists interested only in preserving their own positions and power and to hell with the country and the rest of us, they seem more than willing to let this clown run free. They don’t even care that he would lose to Hillary in all likelihood but even if he managed to pull out a win, I’m far from certain, bad as she would be, that he wouldn’t be worse. He’s got more mental “issues” than Carter had “little liver pills”. I’ve seen proof of the kinds of “best people” he would choose. Obviously “best people” means something very different to Trump than it does to me. We’re supposed to take him at his constantly changing word about his “good brain” and “good words” since neither are in evidence. Rather than intelligence, I see cunning. Instead of conscience there is calculation to find his own best interests, even at the expense of all others. In fact, the more I learn of him, the more I despair of ever learning he did a single good thing that wasn’t also–primarily–self serving.

      We’ll be screwed, blued…all that will remain is the “tattooed” unless we manage to take the single, narrow path that may get us out of this mess eventually.

  • Jennifer

    While elsewhere on this site, there’s an article saying that Bill Clinton may well have raped Juanita, but he probably didn’t mean it, times were different and hey he was just a teen with bad impulse control.

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