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Welcome back, saints and sinners alike! It’s time once again for the Snake Oil Bulletin! Are your souls in need of spiritual cleansing from our old friend Alien Jesus? Are you ready to hear the truth of God’s word as revealed through the voice of a carnival barker? Are you prepared for the majesty that is a pointy-hatted witch praying over a computer to get the viruses out?

Just say yes, because it’s not like we can actually hear you. Let’s dive right into the woo.

Creationists in tickle fight with NASA for stealing all their whore money

Ladies and gentlemen, have you missed Ken Ham, the worst Australian export since Mel Gibson? Of course you haven’t, but I’m sure you’ve missed laughing at his ongoing foibles at getting the state of Kentucky to pay for his totally-not-a-church Noah’s Ark ministry theme park. But Ken’s hit upon a surefire way to scam him some filthy Whore of Babylon bucks from the gubmint: steal it from those poindexters at NASA. What are they even doing with all that money anyway? Oh, “searching for aliens”? Pfft, like that’s even a thing.

In a new blog posted to Answers in Genesis, Ken Ham beats his old reliable drum that NASA is just frittering away that tender, succulent money on boondoggles like increasing our understanding of the universe through scientific exploration. Excuse me? We already have all our answers in God’s Holy Word, and we should never question it ever. If the Bible says pi is 3 then pi is 3, Lord dammit!

Ken has come down against NASA’s quest for alien life before. But whereas in ages past Ken at least tried to seem like he was making a cogent argument unbiased by the visible greed lurking behind his beady little pig eyes, this time he minces no words and immediately launches into a plug for his Ark Encounter park in the second paragraph:

The first thing that I predict will happen is that all those non-Christians (and even some Christians) who claim Answers in Genesis should be using the money for the poor when I post articles on our life-size Noah’s Ark construction project will now be making the same comments on all these news sources reporting this—and of course they will also be contacting Stephen Hawking and Yuri Milner to make the same comment. Well . . . maybe that prediction is doomed to failure as I find it’s really the message of the Ark most critics are objecting to—not the money being spent on it! I encourage you to read a list of common questions or criticisms we hear about the Ark project and the answers to them.

Oh har har, Ken, you suh-LAY us. Kinda like how God slew all those babbies and lil childrens when he called down the rains to murder every living creature on the planet save for eight grown adults and a boatload of animals. By the way, is your family-friendly park going to feature the children’s book version of the story where God saved two of every animal, or are you going to actually read your Bible and depict all the sets of seven animals Noah brought along specifically to sacrifice in blood offerings to his all-loving God? Just wanted to clear that up. For Jesus.

Ham continues his gimme gimme parade with a reminder that not only can you waste your money on his quagmire of a theme park, you can also waste it at his money-hemorrhaging Creation Science Museum:

Secondly, sometime next month, for the small amount of $7.95 per ticket, you will be able to watch our new spectacular Creation Museum Planetarium program, Aliens: Fact or Fiction? at the Creation Museum, which will address the question of aliens and UFOs in an entertaining way. So for $7.95, you can find the obvious answer that $100 million is being wasted on—all because those involved in this fruitless search for aliens reject the account of origins given to us by the God who created the universe.

All the answers to the universe for only $7.95! It’s like Ken is offering the Big Mac version of science. Who can beat a deal like that?

But what is this about a planetarium presentation? The Creation Museum has a planetarium? We’re kind of amazed the Museum doesn’t have a big sign on the ceiling that just says stars are holes poked in the firmament covering the flat earth. Oh goodie, there’s a video and everything:

Thanks for that rundown, gentleman who probably gets upset seeing women with tattoos, but a little critique. You note in your video that “When we go to scripture, we don’t really find any direct mentions of extraterrestrial aliens.” Uh, have you read your Old Testament? Because if it’s anything like the loons on YouTube tell us it is, then these “Nephilim” beaming down from heaven and breeding with human women are exactly what you’re looking for. Also, why are you completely undercutting your entire presentation, Danny? You told your audience the answer before they even saw the show, ya silly billy. Why would they want any of your Sky Cake now that they know it isn’t real?  Did Ken teach you nothing in Scamming 101? Tsk tsk. You’ll never get to waste your own 100 million dollars this way.

We wish Ken all the luck in his endeavors, though as Ken himself admits at the end of his blog, he doesn’t need luck, he just needs your prayers. And by “prayers” he means a link to his donation page. Keep fucking that chicken, Kenny.

San Francisco hippies buying computer exorcisms from witches now

Is your computer running slow? Is it shutting down, blue screening, and generally acting just a mess? Can it literally not even some days? If you were one of those mindless sheep out in the flyovers, you might think your computer has a virus or something old-fashioned like that. But that kind of thinking is so Mars-energy, and it’s going to disrupt your chakras long-term.

Thankfully the programming nerds out in Silicon Valley have figured out the real reason for your computer’s repeated crashes and mishaps. Is it all the internet porn you downloaded from perfectly well-meaning cheating moms who want to get laid in [YOUR CITY] tonight? Is it shoddy shovelware pushed out onto a consumer market by a profit-driven corporate monolith more concerned with bottom lines than creating quality parts? Fuck no, it’s bad goddamn juju, man. Thankfully some of the biggest names in the tech industry have pinpointed the answer to these problems, and they’re paying local witches top dollar to come down to their corporate headquarters to light candles over their desktops. It’s just a shame they can’t do this through Etsy anymore.

Spiritualism in San Fran has never been a new thing. While lots of teevee shows have poked fun at the idea that many company higher-ups are just aging hippies who happened to stumble into a suit and tie by accident, it seems that employees and CEOs of real actual computer firms are soliciting the services of psychics to help them debug their products and set trajectory for their businesses, as seen in this anecdote featuring Reverend Joey Talley, a Wiccan priestess who specializes in house exorcisms and computer errors:

Despite lacking a background in computer science or IT, Talley is occasionally called on to perform cyber security miracles….

“Most people want me to protect their computers from viruses and hacks,” she says, “so I’ll make charms for them. I like to use flora.”

Jet, a black gemstone energy-blocker, is ideal for debugging office hardware, Talley says; bigger or more vulnerable computer networks often require “a rainbow of colors to divert excess energy.” If all else fails, she can cast a protection spell on the entire company, office supplies included.

We’re not entirely sure how no one has jumped onto this “debug your computer with pretty rocks and flowers” gig before because it makes TOTAL SENSE. Like religion before it, computers are big, scary, confusing monstrosities on which our lives are completely dependent. No one really gets how they work, and the answer to most tech problem seems to boil down to “Did you try turning it off and on? That didn’t work? …Well, fuck.” It only makes sense that someone would jump on by claiming a “spiritual” component to these electronic machines when we’ve been claiming a spiritual component to the meat machines we call our bodies for millennia. How do you cure rheumatism? Get your humours in balanced. How do you fix a system 32 error? Banish the Clippy demons back to the depths of hell with some wolfsbane. It wasn’t too long ago that internet pranksters were spreading the meme around Facebook that a good trick to “naturally” clear your computer of viruses was to stick a slice of red onion into the CD drive. Maybe somebody took the joke seriously?

Talley’s foray into tech is still fresh enough that she sometimes calls it the “techno industry.” That hasn’t dissuaded savvy clients in the market for spiritual counseling, hypnosis, dream therapy, moon rituals, house clearings, potion-brewing, and other niche services. Her speciality? “I really like dealing with demons,” she says.

She recounts a recent episode involving a startup whose office alarm was infected by an “invasive species.” After multiple electricians failed to rout whatever poltergeist was causing the alarm to shrill at odd intervals, the company contacted Reverend Talley.

“I don’t know anything about electronics, but I got the spirit out,” she says. It’s hard to tell whether she’s boasting or apologizing.

“I don’t know anything about electronics” is the phrase to look for when you’re hiring someone to fix your electronics. And it doesn’t just stop there. Bay Area companies still retain psychics on staff when it comes to dealing with legal problems, which might be why their legal problems just seem to get worse.

If it’s surprising that companies should entrust critical office maintenance to a witch, it’s nearly breathtaking that they also retain her for legal counsel. Talley says that when companies are threatened with litigation, she can cast spells to “divert” (one of her pet words) the plaintiff or the plaintiff’s attorney. It’s all child’s play for her, no more taxing than donning the floppy hats that announce her professional uniform.

We don’t have time to dip into the entirety of the the SF Weekly article because Dear Mother Goddess is it long and exhaustive. However, we highly recommend you read the whole damn thing because you’ll come away with some of the most brilliant pieces of self-delusion ever put in print, like this charmer from a tech astrologer named Sally Faubion: “I call myself the Dr. Phil of numerology because I’m so incredibly honest and forthright.”

Honey, by that metric Dr. Phil himself isn’t even the Dr. Phil of psychiatry. Next time aim your sights a little higher, like the Dr. Oz of bullshit.

Flotsam, Jetsam, and Hokum

  • Scott Walker’s still not sure how gay people are a thing, but that never stopped his hater game from being strong.
  • Muslin zombies are coming for you, residents of Farmersville, Texas, and worst of all, they’re preparing their brains halal!
  • Dead Breitbart slurred out a treatise that the homersexuals are responsible for a radical Muslim shooting those people in Chattanooga, because he just hated gay marriage SO MUCH, yet seems to overlook that this means they’re cool with being on the same side of history as said radical Muslim. Huh.
  • Seems James Inhofe never got a copy of Everybody Poops as a kid, because someone needs to explain to him where grown-ups make dookie. Again. Don’t give this one to David Vitter.
  • Pat Robertson is just sick to death that all these homos are going to be humping their dogs now. He’s so upset he’s going to tell you about it in uncomfortable detail while he drools a little.
  • Guys who treat ladies like shit on video games are most likely to suck at playing said video games. It’s always rough to see your inadequacies laid out on a spreadsheet, isn’t it, fuckheads?
  • Why can’t America be more like the good old days when our teenagers were getting handsy with their sweeties up on makeout point instead of getting ballsy with their functions on homework night?
  • Rick Santorum still doesn’t get how America does America, so watch Professor Doctor Rachel Maddow sexplain it to him.
  • Pity the poor Duggars, for their irrelevancy is nigh.

[Answers in Genesis / Business Insider / SF Weekly]

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  • whatwhomever

    Thanks for the sweet, sweet Sunday dumb. Almost makes work tolerable. Almost.

  • Antimassacree

    I am perfectly willing to believe that damn Clippy creature came straight from the Hellmouth.

  • VandeGraf

    Fare, take a break. Smoke it if you’ve got it.

  • BloviateMe

    Obligatory.

    • Blank Ron

      He’s so much more fun to mock when he has purple hair.

  • eddi

    Ken Ham vs the Computer Witch of Frisco. We’re talking big bucks on pay-per-view here people.

  • Wendel

    Satan and his brother, Jesus, were so alien that they didn’t even speak good English.

  • CriticalDragon1177

    Fare la Volpe

    Speaking of “Answers In Genesis” and NASA, checkout their latest, pathetic excuse of an argument for a young Earth.

    Pluto’s Surface Is Young!
    http://www.donotlink.com/framed?746790

    You just new they were going to just have to try to use New Horizons for their anti science agenda sooner, or later, didn’t you?

    How much you wanna bet a real scientist doing real science is going to power own “Dr. Danny Faulkner” very soon, if one hasn’t already.

    • riledupone

      I clicked on the link for Faulkner’s bio at the head of that article. One of the other articles of interest on the page was an argument about the length of the Great Flood. Yes, this “scientist” wrote an paper with citations, footnotes etc. weighing in on the hot controversy in the 365 days vs. 371 days duration schism. My keyboard is embedded in my forehead from banging my head on my desk.

  • Jaime Oria

    Computer geeks have been known to say, when facing some particularly thorny bug, “Wave a dead chicken over it”. But I thought it was a metaphor or sumptin’.

    • proudgrampa

      That’s analogous to how I turn a glass of gin into a martini: I just wave the bottle of vermouth over it.

      • Jaime Oria

        Whilst others merely whisper the word “vermouth” into the glass. Or so I’ve been told. By a friend.

        • proudgrampa

          Well, I do that when I’m out of vermouth.

  • Swampgas_Man

    I debug my neighbor’s computer with a large magnet.

    • eggsacklywright

      “Magnets, bitch!”

    • Doug Langley

      Nothing cleans brighter.

    • willi0000000

      try a large mallet . . . works every time or i refund their money.

      [ why have my neighbors stopped using me as a free computer repair consultant? ]

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    “Did you try turning it off and on? That didn’t work? …Well, fuck.”

    I get a nickle every time an IT guy tells me this. Well no, I don’t, but I can dream….actually my last IT guy asked me that, and then went on to explain how he does not really understand windows, being an Apple guy which is even MORE ridic than a witch servicing your Pc.

    • Dylan Black

      I dunno, I tend to think the reason I’ve been an “Apple Guy” for most of my life is because I “understand” Windows all too well and want no part of it in any venue where I get to actively make a choice in the matter.

  • Callyson

    $7.95? Big deal: I got a 2-for-$10 deal the other day from Living Social.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …the other week I watched “Whore of the Rings” and I think one of the elves may have gave my IPad an STD! Do you think the witches magic is strong enough to expel this Elven Magic afflicted device?!

    • BloviateMe

      I feel your pain, I watched “Hairy Pooner and the Deathly Swallows,” and no matter how many computer STD’s the witches clear out, there’s always another horcrux STD.

      Sucks.

  • Callyson

    Talley’s website says she welcomes issues too unusual or dangerous to take the the straight world of Western helpers. But she also says no problem is too big or small, even, perhaps, your printer malfunctioning. However before you jump on the phone, you should be aware that Talley’s services do not come cheap. She charges $200 an hour (though a phone consultation is free).

    “Jesus, I went into the wrong industry: this is where the real loot is!”

    Ashley Dupré

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …going to Ken Ham for answers on Alien life and space exploration is like going to a Wicaan Preistess for a 404 error…errrr, never mind bad example!!!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Modern scholarship suggests that the true Number of the Beast is 404.

  • Thaumaturgist

    Dear Volpe:

    Ever have kids?

    Ever get a single detail wrong in a story the kids have heard every day of their entire lives?

    If you have had kids, you know that knowing the ending is a development issue. Until you reach a certain stage of development, a story isn’t entertaining unless you already know ecery single word and phrase in the whole story and no fair getting the ending wrong!

    So, no. Ken Hamm’s astronomer dude hasn’t hurt the bottom line.

    • willi0000000

      you don’t want to know how many times if pulled a “Calvin’s Dad” when reading my kids a story . . . when they began to suspect, and call me out on it, i knew i had taught them to think for themselves.

    • That explains church sermons so succinctly. Spoiler: Jesus dies.

  • Me not sure

    As a product of Human-Nephilim interbreeding with the four-toed feet to prove it., I feel obligated to protest any spending of public funds on any project that demeans my heritage. Of course having only four toes did save me from being taken in by those “barefoot” scam shoes.

  • AlanInSF

    Exorcising demons from a person is really weird, but, for your computer, not weird at all. There are only two feasible methods of dealing with the sort of computer ills you describe, and in urban areas like ours, throwing it out the window is not an option.

    • riledupone

      After all, the original computer bug was an actual bug (moth) so there ya go.

      • willi0000000

        all hail Dr. Grace Hopper!

  • Latverian Diplomat

    So, is the fact that witches are being used to attempt to solve technical problems a sign that maybe, just maybe, we’re in another tech bubble?

    At least the nap rooms and foosball tables of the last bubble were something I could see the appeal of.

  • Biff52

    I imagine Joey’s business is going to spike beginning with tomorrow’s roll-out of win10.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Shit, that’s tomorrow?

      • Biff52

        Sorry, I jumped the gun. It’s Wednesday the 29th.

        • Anarchy Pony

          Shit, that’s still really close.

  • disqus_0lWqMBoD8b

    Market Trends Summer 2015:

    1. There will be no heavy-hitter, market-maker product offerings for data-center exocisms, Feng-shui. Chakra rotating and re-balancing, or Astrology forecasts…even for those allegedly pesky Mercury retrogrades. This is not a growth-sector mostly owning to the fact that in any large number of adults, somebody is going to be more-or-less Sane.

    2. Ken Ham cannot be rehabilitated, and no amount of money can turn the planet into a flat disc with a star-encrusted sky-dome with windows that open up to let the sun which orbits the flat Earth pass through as it is pushed by the big guy who lives in the temple on top of the sky dome.

    In an enterprise where the goal is to fail spectacularly to understand both near-Eastern pre-scientific peoples and fundamental enlightened understanding occurring after the Dark Ages and to spread that failure more broadly, he is doomed–ultimately–to failure unless something so bad happens that a new Dark Ages becomes possible.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The GOP is working on the new Dark Ages angle.

      • Barley_Brains

        That’s what they mean by “Take America Back.”

    • PubOption

      Didn’t Ham get cursed, so that his children would be dark for ages?

      • Msgr_Moment

        Dim, dark, what’s the diff?

  • D_C_Wilson

    I find it’s really the message of the Ark most critics are objecting to—not the money being spent on it!

    Why can’t it be both?

  • D_C_Wilson

    Jet, a black gemstone energy-blocker, is ideal for debugging office hardware, Talley says; bigger or more vulnerable computer networks often require “a rainbow of colors to divert excess energy.”

    In an article devoted to complete nonsense, I nominate this sentence to be the biggest pile of nonsense ever assembled. Every word has a simple, easy to understand meaning, yet she manages to put them together in an order that turns the whole thing into complete gibberish.

    • Bren

      Whereas we once had “friends of Dorothy” we now have friends of Sarah.

    • Joshua Norton

      I nominate this sentence to be the biggest pile of nonsense ever assembled.

      Maybe, but any Windows manual could give it a run for its money. Especially since Microsoft lurves to make up its own terms and names for things.

      • SnarkTank

        Not to mention the instructions for my stereo, which were translated back and forth from Japanese to English so many times, it’s been rendered complete Palin-esque word salad.

      • jmk

        Among technical writers of my acquaintance, Microsoft documentation is legendary for its uselessness.

    • Msgr_Moment

      And this is why God-fearing Christianists are afeard of that rainbow flag.

  • schmannity

    Ah’m not askin fer no establishment of no religion, Ah’m askin for ark money.

  • schmannity

    I guess I’m old school. I debug my computer with Black Flag and Raid.

    • willi0000000

      where i once worked had a laptop come in for service full of ants from a southern branch office . . . the very practical tech just shipped it via airfreight to LA and back from Boston . . . anoxia and cold killed all the ants and all he had to do was vacuum them up.

  • Joshua Norton

    Despite lacking a background in computer science or IT

    Quick! Sign her up for the Microsoft help desk.

    • D_C_Wilson

      I’m pretty sure she was in charge of the Vista rollout.

      • Doug Langley

        Or Windows 8.

        • jmk

          She was project lead on Windows ME.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Ken’s gonna end up in a FEMA camp once the alien masters arrive.

  • bargal20

    Correction: Mel Gibson was an American export that Australia returned to country of origin for repair. How’s that going by the way?

    • Anarchy Pony

      Please, only The Outback could spawn a creature so terrible.

      • riledupone

        Born in Peekskill, NY in 1956.

    • TheBidenator

      He’s ready for you to come pick him up and those are features, not bugs!

  • TheBidenator

    Ken Ham sure does put the fun and demented into fundamentalist…

    I’ll be here all week, try the veal!

    • disqus_0lWqMBoD8b

      He’s an object lesson in “Be careful what you get good at”, Rust Cole, True Detective, Season 1.

  • cousin itt

    Tell the truth Ken, did Barbie cut off your dick because you’re such an asshole?

  • Vecciojohn

    I’ll have you know I am still the Dr. Oz of bullshit! – Mehmet Oz, MD

  • Vecciojohn

    The last time I had a witch in to debug my computer she charged $125 just to come to the house and then tried to sell me an extended warranty. Next time I’m just going to close all the windows and set off one of those demon bombs. I just hope none of the little buggers get away and inhabit my cat again.

    • willi0000000

      gonna be tough . . . cats are demons.

  • rachelmap

    It looks like somebody objects to the tone of the SF Weekly’s article:

    As Reverend Joey Talley herself, I tell you this article is full of lies and fabrications about me and mine, and very little truth. Why won’t Jeremy print the truth? Is he mandated by his religion to persecute mine, as many are? Is he really too ignorant to know the difference between male(which is a gender, not a species) and the patriarchy? Misogynists typically change hating sexist exploitation and oppression into hating men, or even all males. Why did SF Weekly send a hater to interview me? How cruel! My tech clients were so honored to support this article, and are so horrified by this yellow journalism. These lies perpetuate fears and myths about Wiccas in a time when education is known to create peace through understanding. The insults from Jeremy are appalling and demonstrate me both his ignorance and laziness. I detailed most of the slander in a long letter to the editor. Now to my legal counsel.

    • disqus_0lWqMBoD8b

      lol – Wingnut butthurt.

    • Awww geez, as an ex-Wiccan myself (who stopped going to coven meetings once it became clear I was the only one who COULDN’T see the spirits), I was prepared to give these people the benefit of the doubt as harmless grifters, but this lady has a terrible case of the Takes Herself Seriouslies, which means that – by her own theology – Karma has a bad dose of correction in store for her.

  • Vecciojohn

    Here’s an old Wiccan incantation I always find helpful when I have computer problems:

    “WORK, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT!! YOU GODDAMNED FUCKING THING!! JESUS, I HATE FUCKING COMPUTERS!!! FUUUUUUUUU-UCK YOU IN THE ASS, YOU MISERABLE FUCKER!!!”

    You’re welcome.

    • disqus_0lWqMBoD8b

      did you try rebooting?

      • Shartiblartfat

        Funny flag! Upvote n**2!

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I did but it was still unplugged.

        • disqus_0lWqMBoD8b

          You’re supposed to say, “it won’t even come on or anything, nothing”, and then I am supposed to ask, “Is it plugged in?”. lol

          • Mehmeisterjr

            Sorry. I didn’t mean to violate the standard Clueless Computer Owner Protocol.

      • r m reddicks

        First kick usually takes care of it.

    • Vienna Woods

      Computers make great doorstops.

      • willi0000000

        remove the guts, nail them to a tree, then fill the case with concrete for a good boat anchor . . . next computer, take it into the yard and show it the tree.

        • Blank Ron

          At one point I had both a PC and a Mac on the same desk. To this day I swear that the Mac’s flawless performance was embarrassing the PC into working well.

  • Do the entrails of a sacrificial lamb void my Apple Care warranty?

  • guppy06

    We’re not entirely sure how no one has jumped onto this “debug your
    computer with pretty rocks and flowers” gig before because it makes
    TOTAL SENSE.

    What are you talking about? I do all my debugging with a cinder block!

    • Celtic_Gnome

      “Strike an key to continue”

  • guppy06

    “I don’t know anything about electronics, but I got the spirit out,”

    The Great and Powerful Trixie doesn’t trust wheels!

  • JohnE_o

    I’ve been debugging computers and related electronic gadgets for twenty-odd years now and it usually works like this…I first go into a trance-like state as I poke around at the gadget and see how it responds or doesn’t, then I mutter various things under my breath until it either works again or I’m sure it won’t anymore.

    All this time, I thought I was just a slightly autistic tech guy who likes gadgets – when I could have branded myself as a Technology Shaman and raked in the big bucks.

  • Shartiblartfat

    Back when the world was new, and Atari 400 and 800 PCs were the shiznit, many of them found their way into a friend’s dealership and repair shop. The first fix, after the customer had left the store, was to take the computer which looked a lot like a fat keyboard, and flat-slam it onto the work bench to make sure all the chip were “properly seated.” If this solved the problem, the bill was always 40 1982 Ameros for a few seconds “work,” thank you very much! The key here was the absence of the customer.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      I once tried to build my own machine from pieces parts, and, when I was done, the thing wouldn’t work. I was forced to take it to a real computer person. He took the case off, scanned the motherboard, then put is thumb on one of the cards and jammed it down. It worked perfectly after that.

      • willi0000000

        if it’s plugged in move to step two . . . power-down (aka hard reset) . . . failing that, remove the cover and look for the obvious . . . if still dead reseat any chips in sockets, memory and all cards and cables (check for dust on cable ends or in sockets and don’t force anything).

        if that don’t work . . . call a pro.

    • r m reddicks

      I used a similar technique when I was IT’ing and the heads on those 10 Meg harddrives would stick to the platters. Usually prefaced with “Uh, you might want to go get a cup of coffee or something for a few minutes.”

  • Zyxomma

    Ken Ham and his minions sued for copyright infringement in 3, 2, 1 ….. Either that, or they’re going to claim “fair use,” which I don’t think will work. What a maroon.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      After he builds his life-size replica of the Ark, some smart person is going to figure out how many animals will fit in there based on their sizes, and it’s not going to be that much, at which point, the explanation that magic is involved will need to come forward.

      • badphairy

        It’s all been done.

  • old_redneck

    Stop it with the regular Wonkette features!!!

    I WANT PICS OF BABY WONKETTE!!!!!! She needs her own blog!!!

    Already she’s a month old — I’ll bet Harvard Law and Harvard Med are holding seats for her!!!

  • riledupone

    Hey Ken Ham, A’Tuin on line one.

  • kindness

    I for one welcome our new Creationist Alien Overlords.

    • r m reddicks

      An ague hath my Ham.

  • Jan Ness

    Okay now I know what my part time job will be when I retire in a few years because I’m ALMOST an olds.

    I can cure all the punters via wacky spells and such cuz I used to be a frontline computer repair specialist…this fits right in with that training. Hard drive slow? Alakazaam! A “technical tap” later all fixed!

    • willi0000000

      you do realize that if you peel off that “breaking seal voids warranty” sticker, there’s a small window under it with a dial – just set it as high as it goes.

      [ it goes to 11 on the good drives ]

  • Celtic_Gnome

    The video with the little astrophysicist who couldn’t answered the question as to why the Creation Museum has a planetarium. The program on aliens features footage of how aliens are presented in popular culture. I bet that’s a majority of the show. These people are paying their $7.95 just so they can watch a special effects movie on a big screen while lying down.

  • laineypc

    Wasn’t Ham the one that raped his own dad- Noah, in the bibble? It’s just kinda weird.

  • Vienna Woods

    “Ken Ham, the worst Australian export since Mel Gibson”
    Oh hello… Air Supply???

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Love Supply singing their hit, “I’m All Out of Air”…gasp… gasp… die.

      • sillyclucker

        What about that singing trio, Olivia, Newt and John?

        • Lady Bug

          “Last time I saw him, he was walking up that hill with Olivia, Newt and John”

    • dshwa

      Rupert Murdoch would like a word about these rankings.

  • willi0000000

    i don’t want all the answers . . . i just want 42 of them.

  • willi0000000

    regarding ‘puters . . . a guy did a study that found that your battery life can depend on which websites you visit . . . no shit, for realz!

    websites mostly fall into tiers for power usage by your browser there are some that cluster around 10 watts, others that cluster around 20 watts and then there’s the NY Times website . . . it will have your browser drawing about 40 watts!

    if you care to read more see this.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      What is the power usage of mommyblogs?

  • Steverino247

    Why do all the ad links want to show me large breasted women with erect nipples?
    And, no, I’m not asking for a friend, nor am I complaining.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The following opening scene from Shakespeare’s The Tragedie of Macbooke seems supernaturally prescient:

    When shall we three cast a spell?
    O’er Acer, Tosh or Mac or Dell?
    When the cold reboot’s been tried,
    When the motherboard is fried,
    That would be computercide.
    Where the place?
    Upon San Fran.
    Casting spells on Androids.
    Hark, Cupertino!
    Redmond calls.
    Anon.
    Spells make cash and cash brings spells,
    Funny how this witchcraft bullshit sells.

  • HogeyeGrex

    Oh, planetarium dude. “We use video clips from movies and tv shows.”
    For a program that charges admission. In a for-profit enterprise that is screaming about how it is notnotnot a church.
    I’m certain they’ve gotten all the necessary permissions and paid all the proper royalties for this, right?

    I think the MPAA is going to want to have a nice long talk with you folks.

    Where do I report this, I wonder.

  • bobbert

    Oh, fuck me. I spent my entire work life in the semiconductor (chip) industry, working (in the long run) to transform the world by making computing and communication hardware irrelevant. By making it generic.

    We are far from spontaneously-assembling AIs, There is no ghost in the machine (yet). There is nothing for a witch to work on. Apparently, some of the current crop of whizbang entrepeneurs have no clue about the physical-informational substrate that supports their endeavors,

    AND GET OFF MY FUCKING LAWN!!

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