SHARE

What squares!

Hello, American teenage teens, quick question for you: Why are you so goddamned boring? Do you not know how to be teenagers and do stupid rebellious teenage things, and get yourselves into trouble and be reckless and irresponsible and stupid, so you will learn all the important lessons about how to not do that when you are growed up? Obviously, yes:

The sex life of the American teenager is apparently far less busy than it was in generations past.

Less than half of teens older than 14 said they’ve had intercourse, a sharp drop from rates in the ’80s, a new CDC study found. […]

The share of teen girls who reported they’ve had sex at least once dropped from 51 percent in 1988 to 44 percent in 2013, they found. Abstinence was more pronounced among the guys: 60 percent of teen boys in 1988 said they’d had sex, compared to 47 percent in 2013.

Good god, kids, if you’re not awkwardly rubbing on each other’s sex parts until one of you says “Uh, I think I came,” like we used to do — uphill! in the snow! BOTH WAYS! — what the hell are you doing with your time? Drugs? Are you smoking all the drugs, and analyzing the lyrics of whatever your version of Pink Floyd is? (Probably something terrible; your music fucking sucks too.)

No! You are not doing that, even in states where it is legal now!

In fact, overall rates of teens doing the pot has DROPPED slightly in states that have legalized medical pot.

Do you have any idea the sheer agony we had to go through in our day just to get a sandwich baggie of mostly twigs and dirt, with maybe a little bit of shake — or oregano — sprinkled in? Before you could just stroll down to the corner store and pick up whatever fancy Super Thai Jedi Blackberry Kush buds you wanted, professionally packaged, with a goddamned BARCODE on it, like you’re buying a carton of milk at the grocery store? DO YOU?!?! (It usually involved a lot of waiting in some sketchy apartment for your “friend” the dealer to get back from meeting up with his “friend,” the bigger dealer, while you had to sit on some beer-and-semen-stained couch and listen to your “friend’s” dumb skeez girlfriend talk about the butterfly tattoo she was going to get on her ankle during spring break in Cabo.)

You kids have no idea how to have any kind of fun at all, do you? You probably think not drugging, and not fucking, is some kind of smart decision. Which, OK, fine it might be:

The majority of those who do choose to become sexually active are using some form of protection. And, in the last decade, the popularity of the so-called “morning-after pill” among girls has more than doubled.

Teen births, meanwhile, have plummeted about 57 percent over the last 30 years.

So apparently, since you are sitting around being LAME and not doing sex and pot to each other all the time, what are you doing, nerdy shit like math? Oh GAWD, you are:

This week, the top-ranked math students from high schools around the country went head-to-head with competitors from more than 100 countries at the International Mathematical Olympiad in Chiang Mai, Thailand. And, for the first time in more than two decades, they won.

Good for you, we guess, for being good at something, even if you are boring and NOT living on the edge and potting up your brain cells and getting sex diseases all over your vaginas and boy vaginas, and accidentally putting babies up there, because you’ve learned how to keep that from happening. (Except for you, Bristol Palin, you haven’t learned anything, you are A Idiot, and you’re not even a teenager anymore.)

As for the rest of you, you teenagers, we guess it’s all right if you want to do math instead of sex and drugs, but you are still racist, though, just like your parents, so work on that, OK?

Now get off our lawn.

[WaPo / NPR]

$
Donate with CCDonate with CC
  • Barbara Delaney

    When will Bristol close the knowledge gap with the average fourteen-year-old?

    Who am I kidding? Not going to happen.

    • Msgr_Moment

      One wine cooler plus…. One more wine cooler equals….?

      • onedollarjuana

        = Two babies born out of wedlock.

        • Lot_49

          Babbys, you meant to say.

        • Biff52

          Ahem Soon to be three, most likely maths.

    • RevZafod

      First time I ever heard that thing called a “knowledge gap”. Though it does seem to be what she thinks with.

    • Billy Rubin

      Knowledge, as in the biblical sense? If her gap had been closed, she would have avoided a couple predicaments.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Ball’s in your court, Kid Zoom.

  • mrFawkes

    Needz moar buttsekz data.

    • marxalot

      ladyhumping also too

      • If there’s an uptick in buttsechsing and ladyhumping (and whatever “scissoring” is), I blame give credit to gay same-sex marriage.

      • aureolaborealis

        The intersection of the buttsekz set and the ladyhumping set is large and includes most of the buttsekz set.

    • BearGHAZI

      The American Family Association reported a 10,000% increase in buttsekzing among the cool kids

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      Data unavailable because anal doesn’t count.

  • tihond

    But how many of them have sexted with their googles and their bings?

  • kindness

    Wow. At least my generation had sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll. Kids today have crapola. Thank God I’m an old.

  • dslindc

    Pshh, I was a boring, not-sexing, not-drugging, good-at-math teen before it was cool.

    • weejee

      The thrill of rooting-out false roots.

      • Lot_49

        Completing the square on ax² + bx + c. What a rush!

        • r m reddicks
          • r m reddicks

            I am trying to work on a new dance step – Do the Mandelbrot- which should go over with the MDA/LSD crowd. Damn. I’ve dated myself again. At least it cuts the prices in half.

          • Downchuck
          • r m reddicks

            Delightful. Though I was thinking you put your left foot infinitely in you take your left foot infinitely out and you shake it all about. and etc also and too

          • Lot_49

            Oh baby you’re makin me hot.

          • r m reddicks

            Rock me baby, Rock me baby until the equation is solved. I could never last that long when I was a kid.

    • Lot_49

      By choice?

      • dslindc

        Mostly.

        • aureolaborealis

          The lies we tell ourselves …

          • Amy!

            Whose choice?

            But I was pretty much the same. For me, mostly not my choice, unless I was interested in creepy guys in pickup trucks when I was walking home after dark and after work.

        • H0mer0

          one of my mom’s coworkers had a 16-year-old daughter who had a baby out of wedlock and another coworker told my mom how lucky she was that I was a “good girl.” They didn’t realize it wasn’t by choice. Also too, I tended to be oblivious when anyone showed any interest of that nature

    • Vienna Woods

      Huh. I was not-sexing, not-drugging, TERRIBLE at math teen.

      • Blank Ron

        And now you’re passing that wisdom along to the next generation. Well done!

    • Mayor_Quimby

      Are you Elon Musk?

      • dslindc

        *Checks bank account*

        Nope.

    • Billy Rubin

      I was sexing, drugging, *and* on the math team. Looking back, I’m grateful to have adopted these policies early.

    • david green

      Well, I was too – except for the math part.

  • rocktonsam

    Obama , duh, hello and the kidz are stoopid and lazy also too.

  • VandeGraf

    Did we just fuck, or am I still a virgin? I knew I should have paid attention in health class!

    • aureolaborealis

      If you are girl, and your butt was involved, then you are still a virgin and therefore pure in the eyes of Sweet Baby Jesus.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        And, if you’re a boy, and your butt was involved, it’s an abomination.

      • laineypc

        He likes to watch.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Yeah, and get off of our lawn, too!

  • timpundit

    They aren’t having sex as much because, jesus, have you ever seen the internets? Thank GOD they didn’t have porn-on-demand machines when I was 14. I’d still be in my room today.

    • Gleem-McShinez

      The Internet is a Series of Tube Socks

      • Vienna Woods

        And you have won it for today!

  • weejee

    Perhaps they’re cutting back on the partner sex, but their fapping is up 27%.

    • Lot_49

      Fapping is always 100 percent enjoyable, unlike the other kind, what with all the sobbing and contempt.

      • Gil

        I do sobbing and contempt with the fapping too. I want the experience to be as realistic as possible.

        • H0mer0

          are you Catholic by any chance?
          (too soon?)

          • Celtic_Gnome

            John Waters once said he thanked God every day that he was raised Catholic, because, no matter what, sex will always be dirty.

      • deanbooth

        What, no Holocaust porn?

        (Too soon?)

      • aureolaborealis

        Your fapping sounds sadly lacking.

    • And that’s just today!

      Wait, who are we talking about?

      • Wombat

        A friend, darling. We’re talking about a friend. Yep. That’s the story.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Good at multiplying? Thanks, Duggars.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    ….THANKS OBAMA, wait…HUH?!?!

  • Legion32

    This is what happens when you take God out of the schools!!”’!11!!

  • But how many of them are giving their first blowjob behind a dumpster behind a Taco Bell at 3:00 a.m. to the sketchy-but-hot guy from the place with all the weeds in the yard few houses down? Just to, uh, pick a random example of the kind of thing that might or might not be possible.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Darling, I sent you a thank you note already. Whaddya want? Flowers?

    • aureolaborealis

      Clarification needed: First blowjob or first blowjob by a dumpster?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        You learn something every day. I had no idea that dumpsters gave blow jobs.

        • Celtic_Gnome

          You never heard of dumpster diving?

      • By a dumpster behind that particular Taco Bell … I’m told.

  • r m reddicks

    These are the kids our parents warned us about. Or maybe it was the parents saying, “Why can’t you be like them?” Either way to hell with ’em. I, too am an old and somewhat perplexed at the figurin’. I know the process. Just wondering how I managed to get to view the process close up.

  • SnarkTank

    My theory on why the numbers dropped? Either WE were lying back in the ’80s, or THEY are lying now. I vote for the latter, since I was a complete studmuffin who got laid EVERY NIGHT when I was a teen. Hell, I lost my virginity to Mary Jane Rottencrotch at the ripe old age of 13. I hadn’t even sprouted pubes yet. Yeah, that’s the ticket.

    • PubOption

      So you think that the polls of mathematically-inclined teens yield imaginary numbers.

    • H0mer0

      yeah, I noticed there aren’t any ugly teens anymore. Sure there is still acne and female facial hair but those things don’t seem to be the impediments they were when I was growing up. Oh NOW I know what the problem is:
      https://youtu.be/JVNHytyB2rE

  • JoeChristmas

    No thanks to internet porn also, too.

  • Kids are being forced to pray in school less than they were in 1955, though, so America is still doomed.

    • Legion32

      Sometimes coorelation does prove causation

  • Indiepalin

    For women, abstinence causes enhanced brain function. For men, just the opposite occurs.

    • Dylan Black

      So you’re saying that everything we learned from Seinfeld was a lie?

      • Biff52

        It really was a show about nothing!

      • stevola

        Shrinkage is real, or so my friends tell me.

    • Michael Smith

      That’s not what happened with George and Elaine.

  • Malmborg Implano

    Having sex these days is TOO MUCH TROUBLE. Just the amount of prep you have to go through with all the waxing and implants and makeup and dressing up in uncomfortable fetishwear. Also men who’ve watched a lot of porn are not exactly the most thrilling lovers. I’m just sayin’.

    • MOG253

      It is a LOT of work.

    • Getting the crotchless Batman costume dry cleaned is such a nuisance.

      • Blank Ron

        Isn’t that supposed to be Alfred’s job?

        • Yeah, but I’m the one who always has to wear the crotchless Alfred suit.

          • Blank Ron

            Pics or… well, you know how this goes.

    • FukuiSanYesOta

      Excuse me, bunk time.

  • Mavenmaven

    well, when you see what all these hipsters look like, you’d also not be interested.

    • aureolaborealis

      Handlebar Mustache Guy and the World’s Youngest Granny?
      #stolenhumor

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    In my day, we got all potted up before we aced our math exams . . . We were big proponents of “state-dependent learning”

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …back in my day we sat infront of the TV watching scrambled television porn hoping to catch a clear glimpse of a areole. Nowadays you kids can mainline the filthiest, kinkiest most nastiest porn straight into your brains 24 hours a day!

    • Gil

      You can too.

      • Wombat

        Hey, we had to sneak around to see it and now these kids think they can just waltz on in here and download it like it’s nothing? Without any effort at all? How will they learn valuable life skills? Huh? Tell me that.

        • Mayor_Quimby

          I literally, and I do mean literally, owe my career to trying to figure out how to get porn on my Amiga with an AT&T 2,400bps modem my homie’s dad gave me.

  • Anarchy Pony

    I blame video games. How are you supposed to not learn math playing kerbal space program?

  • Ilgattomorte

    I’m not questioning your facts Kaili, but the I guess then, Bristol Palin is the exception that proves the rule? I’m just sayin’

    • RevZafod

      She’s a martyr, trying to use it all up so others can stay pure.

  • deanbooth

    I’ve gone from hiding it* from my parents to hiding it from my kids. Set my people free!

    * pot, pr0n, and poontang

  • John Norris

    And no doing The Maths on my lawn!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Now you’re just being a divider of the lowest common denominator.

  • I’ve thought for some time that kids these day’s are waisting their lives, but now I have the evidence to prove it.

    Thanks Kaili Joy!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If the kids are waisting their lives, they just need to be belted one.

  • marxalot

    When I was a Young, I didn’t know who to approach about getting either drugs or sex. Then, once I figured it out, I didn’t want anything to do with those people. Then I had to figure out my sex approach again, and it worked much better, but by that time I wasn’t a Teen anymore. And I’m still bad at math!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Still bad a math? But it’s as easy as 1, 2, 4.

      • Doug Langley

        I’d swear I have you in my class.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Snark off, I had great problems with math for most of my school days. I was on the cusp between the Old Math and the New Math and I was hopeless in both.

          One day in mid-high school, I was extremely frustrated with a problem and my Dad, bless his soul, asked me what was the problem. I sort of stumbled through an explanation as best I could and he said, “You know what an equal sign means, right?”

          Actually, I didn’t. Amid all the books and theories, nobody had ever explained what an equal sign means, hence what math was all about.

          After about 30 minutes of fatherly guidance, I figured it out and from then on, I could do math. It was as dumb as that. I could actually have boosted my college GPE by taking more Calculus courses, but I had other interests.

          OTOH, I was still too dumb to recognize, despite frequent exhortations, that physics was nothing more than math. So, clearly, I was never going to be anything but a Liberal Arts guy.

          OK, snark back in place.

          • Doug Langley

            Sorry to hear you had such problems. I believe you completely that no one bothered to see if you knew what the equal sign meant, I’ve seen stuff just like that with my students. I’ve learned to assume nothing and always make sure they have the basics down. If not, we have to back up and cover it.

  • Dolmance

    I like that they’re doing math, but I too feel a little sad that they’re not fucking each other.

    I can’t help feeling like, if God didn’t want people to eat out teenagers, he wouldn’t have made them taste so good.

    • Hoff

      Here’s THE LINE….|

      Here’s this comment……..——————————————————————> |

      Any questions?

  • PDX Realness

    This is why it cracks me up whenever I see articles claiming that millennials are all entitled narcissists. In reality, we’re pretty damn smart and just got pretty screwed over by the last economic crash.

    Of course, I’m a bit on the older side, so I *still* had sex and smoked weed at 14. Millennials born in the 1980s are still *kinda* cool.

    • marxalot

      Preach.

    • r m reddicks

      Damn whippersnapper!

    • uniquename72

      There’s nothing smart about not having sex. This just means that kids are too busy playing video games to do what nature intended.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      But you are all self entitled narcissists. And so was the generation before you, and the generation before that, and so on and so forth and onwards back in time to the very first generation that first decided to get down out of that damn tree because goddamn it sleeping on pinecones sucks ok.
      *pets and soothes*
      No, seriously, the entire species is just a collective of entitled narcissists, it is part of what we are as animals and part of the evolutionary process and why we’re so damned successful as a species. So, the next time some boomer or Xer tells you that about your generation, chuckle and mention pots calling kettles names and suchwhat.
      Now get off my lawn and go have some of the sex.

      • Celtic_Gnome

        We altered an entire species through selective breeding to make them adore us above all else. The development of domesticated canines was the single most narcissistic thing ever done in this world.

        • Mayor_Quimby

          Yeah, but have you ever met a Cavalier King Charles Spaniel? They’re fucking great creatures.

  • AngryKatie

    Who knew growing up in south Florida had an upside. More or less all we had to do was ask “anyone
    got pot?” and we’d be set.

    • Mayor_Quimby

      When the hell did you grow up? I was in central FL in the mid nineties and I had no fucking idea where to get booze or weed.
      To be fair I was chasing basketballs and white wimmenz instead.

      • AngryKatie

        Booze was way harder to get. Miami/Fort Lauderdale in the 80s. We even found bales washed up on the beach sometimes when drug runners tossed their cargo before being boarded by the Coast Guard. Of course there was also the actual drug war playing out around us at the same time. It was a weird time/place to grow up.

  • Come here a minute

    More likely, kids these days have learned that everybody is listening to them all the time so they give the answers “THEY” want them to give.

  • Ricky Gay

    Nana!!! ❤❤❤

  • TootsStansbury

    So the Kids Are Uptight.

  • jmk

    As the parent of offspring with one more year to go on this teenager business… yay!

    • Wombat

      Yeah, I was sitting here thinking “Why isn’t this nice time?” Good at math and no grandkids? I fail to see the downside here.

  • mrpuma2u

    So kids care more about calculations than coupling? Thanks N0bama.

  • vivian

    Hmmmm. Something about this doesn’t add up.

  • Arcturus

    You see, porn on the Internet does have its upside.

  • Fly

    What’s with these non-fucking kids today?

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    I blame the iPhone (and all the knockoffs that followed.) It’s impossible for them to stare into each other’s eyes when their faces are glued to their little screens. Teen pregnancy probably has a clear inverse correlation to improvements in battery life.

    • Markuserektus

      I understand that face time is difficult for millennials. No joke, a friend of mine’s twenty eight year old girlfriend excused herself from the group of visitors because her phone battery was dying…she went into their house.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    “Teen births, meanwhile, have plummeted about 57 percent over the last 30 years.”
    Imagine what the numbers look like when Texas, Mississippi and Louisiana are taken out of the calculations.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The old heart-to-heart parental talks must be different these days.

    Dad: Son, your mother and I are worried about you. You seem moody, distracted, different from the boy we know. Is anything wrong.

    Son: What do you are. You’d never understand.

    Mom: You’d be surprised what we old folks are “into.” We just want to know what you’re doing all locked away in your room.

    Son: If you must know, I’m preparing for International Mathematical Olympiad in Chiang Mai, Thailand. Satisfied?

    Dad: You know, Thor, there’s more to life than mathematics.

    Son: Like what?

    Dad: Like what? Like sex and drugs and rock ‘n’ roll. Why when I was your age, I was getting more action than a Congressman in a cathouse.

    Mom: I was a groupie.

    Dad: They called her The Continental Divide.

    Mom: You should go down to the Youth Center. They have a nice Future Swingers of America club.

    Dad: And I’ve heard the Flakka is primo.

    Son: Can’t you understand? I’m not like you and Bristol Palin. I hate you, I hate you.

    Exits. Door bangs.

    Dad (shaking head): Mother, where did we go right?

    • Tansy Geek

      I love that the kid is named Thor, presumably unironicaly

      • r m reddicks

        What a Loki kid, to have such parents.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Writing in haste, I just kind of pulled that out of my ass. I wanted a life-destroying name that some hippy-dippy couple might inflict on their offspring in a haze of shrooms-logic. Glad you liked it.

    • Mayor_Quimby

      I want the option for the movie version of this after school special, starring Manny from Modern Family

  • Tansy Geek

    I’m going to venture a guess that at least some of these kids define sex as penis/vagina type intercourse. Everything is a gray area and probably widely enjoyed, maybe even the buttsech.

    • Ricky Gay

      a dick in the hand/mouth/butt/etc. is worth two in the bush?

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        I don’t think there’s enough 3-way action to really be significant.

        • Ricky Gay

          your mileage may vary…

    • BoatOfVelociraptors

      I knew a lebanese girl who thought like that.

  • Tansy Geek

    Does this mean abstinence only education is working? Or only in certain circles?

    • r m reddicks

      I’d like to think that I think that I saw what you did there.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      Check out the worst 18 states, and see if you can think of anything they might have in common:

      • Biel_ze_Bubba

        Top 10, by the way, are DC, DE, the west coast (CA, OR, WA), and 5 of the 6 New England states. You know what they don’t have in common with the terrible states?

        • Celtic_Gnome

          Everyone in those states are gay?

        • Legion32

          Kids don’t like being fed a bunch of bullshit from a self-righteous adult they know did the same thing? Kind of like…we adults don’t like it?

        • Querolous

          Roughly the same data in graphs.

        • willi0000000

          i’m gonna hazard a guess (not covered by the preceding charts) the difference is in what might be called things to do other than…

  • Biff52

    When I was a young, I had a “friend” who had a “friend” who turned out to be Owsley Stanley, and I in turn had a network of “friends” to whom I distributed Owsley’s finest, and I still couldn’t get laid, even in exchange for blotter.

    • r m reddicks

      Take your solace where you can find it. I DON’T think you get to exchange blotter for sex. I’m sure it happened and was sometimes fun. Beats the cos-ludes no doubt.

      • Biff52

        The time or two later on that sexytimes happened under the influence, it was quite memorable. And you’re right, sex in exchange for anything would be kinda bad and creepy, and I feel bad for my joke.

        • r m reddicks

          Standard joke. I don’t think anyone would worry of it. I could tell you a joke about window pane but then I’d just have to resort to bloody mary’s for the evening. I was just giving you some shit. I hope your trips were interesting.

    • Rick Hill

      Doesn’t matter, had Owsley blotter….

  • RoyalUglyDude

    The implications are obvious. Congress must investigate and defund the CDC.

  • PNW Tom

    For some reason, the consumption of internet porn by 15 year old boys is way up over the early 1980s. A major study will be funded to explain why.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      That’s precisely what went through my head. Teen boys getting less sex? Oh yeah, internets porn and avatar sex on WoW.
      I want my science grant monies now thank you

      • Mayor_Quimby

        If I had the porn I do now instead of the 14,400 Bps .gifs of my teenage years, I would have never gotten caught with that gf by her mom… and then kept going when she left so we could get dressed. Damn, I really could’ve/should’ve gotten shot that day.
        These kids are going to have shitty stories that end in ‘and then my X-Box crashed’.

        • tomamitai

          Gifs?!? I had to sneak into my parents bedroom when they weren’t home and look through dad’s stack of three Playboys hidden in the back of the closet to see semi-naked women (Julie Newmar, meow!)! Other than that, all I had were lingerie ads from the Sunday paper and Gray’s Anatomy in the science section at the library.

  • stevola

    They’re going “head to head” with the competition in Thailand?

  • JohnE_o

    Or maybe the kids are finally starting to lie to the pollsters…

    • r m reddicks

      How are they doing that polling? So I’m going with lies pretty much like we used to lie to these sociologistpath punks. How do they correct for that?

  • SprayedMilkOutMyNose

    Wait the FUCK a goddamn minute here. We’ve had a liberal Democratic (but I repeat myself) president for like a lot of years now and teens are actually doing some things a little smarter now??

    This is not meeting the needs of any of my firmly held stereotypes…

    • Legion32

      Wife and I are both pretty strong liberals and we haven’t allowed our 16 yr old daughter go on her first date outside of the house yet – SCHOOL FIRST is our mantra. She does have a boyfriend and a good young dude at that, so she chose well at that. He asked me if he could date my daughter and I replied – “You sure can. In our living room any time that you want to come over.” They’ve been doing weekly living room dates and family day trips going on a year now. We have never taken our daughter to a church except for historical visits to Spanish missions. Family values differ between families but they aren’t something the “Conservatives” created.

      • SprayedMilkOutMyNose

        Wait a second here, wait a second here, Wait.One.Second.

        If you don’t go to church, how do you know the difference between right and wrong…?

        • Legion32

          My wife offered me an apple.

          • SprayedMilkOutMyNose

            You know…there is a reason The Church doesn’t let fruit become priests…can’t trust ’em…

      • Mehmeisterjr

        You aren’t giving your money to some TV preacher? For shame!

  • sillyclucker

    Teen pregnancy has dropped because they’re all gay now.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Here’s where USAmerican religious fucknuttery and its abstinence-only bullshit have gotten us:
    .
    .

    • laineypc

      As much as I sympathize with this sentiment, I think it’s probably a closer correlation with percentage of population in poverty and their access to abortion. But that’s just a guess.

    • Lord-Nash

      WE’RE NUMBER ONE! WE’RE NUMBER ONE!

  • Celtic_Gnome

    How many people really good at math ever get laid as teenagers?

  • laineypc

    No need to worry just yet, folks, chlamydia rates (which are sort of a marker for teen sex, so we don’t need to rely on survey responses– look it up) remain high! http://www.cdc.gov/std/stats13/chlamydia.htm
    But they did start going down in 2012-13, so.. maybe the internet really is starting to replace sex in the pleasure center in our brains.

  • Leema Raven

    As a Washington State resident, I have to say, there is no greater feeling than walking into a store, finding what you want, purchasing it and leaving with a cool little package of medicinal quality weed that cost little more than street values of days long past.

    I have had the ‘Obama Kush’, (rather tasty), but I have yet to see any of the ‘Super Thai Jedi Blackberry Kush’. Can’t wait to try that one :)

  • Bad Granny

    Back in my day we had our sex in the back of a ’70 RoadRunner like god intended. Then as proper children, we lied to our parents about what time we got home.

    • david green

      Roadrunner might have worked. The back seat of a 65 Mustang, however, was almost Mission Impossible – or so I’m told.

      • Blank Ron

        Try the FRONT seat of a lowered 72 Pinto. I had no idea either of us were that flexible.

        PS: In a thunderstorm, in my parents’ driveway.

        • Legion32

          9.0 for effort.
          Edit: They actually lowered those things? hahaha

          • Blank Ron

            Yup, though not a lot – it was already pretty close to the road. Which is why we stopped using it for car rallies and switched to her Datsun 510. Good times.

          • Legion32

            A coworker and I saw a mid 70’s Datsun in San Diego yesterday. A older guy just cruising along and the thing was clean as. Pristine shape. Could have been a B210 but for ugly as I remember those cars looking as a kid, it looked very cool being in such great shape in 2015.

          • Blank Ron

            Would you ever have thought, ever, that Japanese econoboxes could actually be cool?

  • Annie Towne

    You know the worst part of this latest Cosby horror-show bullshit? He’s taken the fun out of reminiscing about Quaaludes. (Oh, how I miss them. Well, not really because I am old now, but you know what I mean.) Anyway, I was going to say, The kids don’t do the sex cuz they haven’t got the Ludes, but now I can’t say that. Bastard.

  • guppy06

    Sex isn’t as fun when you’re reduced to using a bread bag as a condom.

  • geoffalnutt

    Bristle is certainly keeping up her end of the bargain! Poor girl. Must be exhausted…all that non-stop, high-speed fucking. Rattles the windows and vibrates the dog’s food dish right into the dinette. I swan!!!

  • AnOuthouse

    I saw some of these modern youths being all polite at a My Morning Jacket outdoor show this week. They made me feel guilty. I don’t trust them.

  • I blame the internet. Too much time spent texting and paying attention to their cell phones while downloading pr0n to actually go out and have IRL sexxing.

    • geoffalnutt

      Yes, but intertubes prOn leads to less babbies, then. More prOn!!!!!

  • sosuume

    OMG. Sounds like we are raising a boatload of conservatives!

    • MrCanoehead

      No. liberals have sex responsibly, which includes using birth control and also not having sex if you don’t want to or your partner doesn’t want to. Also, liberals on tumblr are all inclusive and positive towards asexuals and aromantics and such so you don’t have to have sex just to prove you’re a real man/woman/gender-fluid person.
      Conservatives are the ones who furiously fight birth control but insist you have to have sex or you’re gay, because it’s actually okay to have premarital sex but only if you don’t interfere with God punishing you by getting you knocked up and shotgun-married. That’s personal responsibility.

      • Mintie

        Nope, vaginal sex is right out for Conservative teens. That’s why anal increased in popularity where abstinence-only was taught.

    • Rick Hill

      Just a generation of lotion savvy young men.

  • Pugsandcoffee

    I mean, I was a high school prude but the freedom of college set me, errr, free. Here’s hoping our little Christians have fun in their late teens.

  • Me not sure

    Lack of frequency doesn’t necessarily equate with being bad at it. When they get around to it they are probably quite good at it.
    They are teenagers after all.

    • Rick Hill

      Nah. If they are getting their “education” from internet porn, they’re doing it wrong. Probably goes along with the drop. Guys don’t get out and try because it’s much easier to go to ne of the 50 billion pron sites than it is to actually know how to ask a girl out and get her into the backseat.

      • Me not sure

        I’ll never know about how it’s done on internet porn. Wife says no.

        • Rick Hill

          Oh. Too bad. *wink*

          • Me not sure

            She watches me like a hawk.

  • azeyote

    me thinks it’s all the prescription pills – oxy vikes percs etc. makes for less sex – especially the etc.

  • Ed Johnson

    Long time reader – first time commenter… Back in the day SOME of us were doing sex and drugs and rock&roll AND MATH! Even ended up with math degrees from college, you know after flunking out because sex & drugs >> (“much much greater than” for you non math nerds) fun than classes. Just because the little whipper-snappers are NERDS doesn’t mean they can’t also be doing sex and drugs and rock&roll. It’s probably the Jocks and Cheerleaders that are all clean cut IMHO.

    • Mintie

      In my day, the Jocks and Cheerleaders were the biggest drug users in the school. It was unreal.

  • Rabbit_Rebozo

    … while you had to sit on some beer-and-semen-stained couch and listen to your “friend’s” dumb skeez girlfriend talk about the butterfly tattoo she was going to get on her ankle during spring break in Cabo.

    Oh, so you’ve Mom.

Previous articleDuggars Real Sad God Canceled Their Dumb TV Show
Next articleTed Cruz Gets Republican Jizz All Over Your Beloved Star Trek