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We're guessing Perry looked a bit like this delivering his remarks.

Guess former Texas governor and current GOP clown car rumble seat occupant Rick Perry doesn’t like being called the second biggest stupid in the world, just behind Sen. Lindsey Graham. In a speech delivered Wednesday to some cohort of idiots assembled by his super PAC, Perry thought he’d set the record straight on who is the real idiot, and also who is destroying the Republican Party, and also who is literal ass cancer embodied in human Republican form. Surprise, it is Donald Trump!

Let’s start with the name of the speech: “Defending Conservatism Against the Cancer of Trump-ism.” But did Perry immediately strike Trump with his claws? No, he spent what was probably a hundred-thousand minutes on how Obama sucks and how our military is just TOO LITTLE (!) and China is the worst and Vladimir Putin is gross, yadda yadda, LET’S GET TO THE SHADE-THROWING, GURL!

The White House has been occupied by giants. But from time to time it is sought by the small-minded – divisive figures propelled by anger, and appealing to the worst instincts in the human condition.

In times of trouble, there are two types of leaders: repairers of the breach and sowers of discord.

The sower of discord foments agitation, thrives on division, scapegoats certain elements of society, and offers empty platitudes and promises. He is without substance when one scratches below the surface.

Yes? And what name hath been bestowed by ye high lord Satan on this sower of discord, source of all lamentations and really gurl, his hair is just not sassy like Rick Perry’s?

He offers a barking carnival act that can be best described as Trumpism: a toxic mix of demagoguery, mean-spiritedness and nonsense that will lead the Republican Party to perdition if pursued.

Let no one be mistaken – Donald Trump’s candidacy is a cancer on conservatism, and it must be clearly diagnosed, excised and discarded.

As we said, ME-OW! And then, like a good kitten, he slyly goes off course and talks about liberals suck, Bernie Sanders is gay, Hillary Clinton is Hillary Clinton, and the only way to Make America Great Again (Trump!) is to be a true conservative. And then slowly, like a feline huntress who just spotted her prey (think of a big Trumpy hairball), he pounces again:

Donald Trump the reality television star is a great generator of ratings. But Donald Trump the candidate is a sower of division, wrongly demonizing Mexican-Americans for political sport.

It’s a wonder to behold when GOP candidates are having to take a position on how Mexicans aren’t rapists.

Tell us how Trump is the Real Stupid:

Donald Trump is the modern-day incarnation of the know-nothing movement.

Tell us how Donald Trump is the real gay Kenyan Marxist Clintonian liberal:

Conservatism doesn’t foment agitation through identity politics. That’s what Democrats do. But as a supporter of socialized medicine, the stimulus package and Hillary Clinton, Mr. Trump is quite suited to follow the Democrats’ example.

Haha, Trump’s earlier support for so many Democrats, and Democratic policies, and that whole thing about when he said he would hire President Obama at one of his companies, due to how good Obama fixed the economy, is going to bite him right on the ass.

What else? Oh, just that Trump is a pussy:

Donald Trump was born into privilege. He received deferments to avoid service in Vietnam. He breathes the free air thousands of heroes died protecting. And he couldn’t have endured for five minutes what John McCain endured for five and a half years.

FIVE AND HALF YEARS, DONALD.

Trump hates Jesus, even if he DOES love those little Jesus crackers:

But most telling to me is not Mr. Trump’s bombast, his refusal to show any remorse for his comments about Senator McCain, but his admission that there is not a single time in his life that he sought the forgiveness of God.

And finally, he says that Trump is “empty calories,” so hey you Republicans, keep sucking Trump off if you must, but stop swallowing!

Good speech, Gov. Perry! You will still not be president.

[RickPerry.org via Time]

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  • drbloor

    Ricky thinks those new glasses actually make him smart. The Wizard of Oz couldn’t have been more convincing.

    • eggsacklywright

      ♫ If I only had a brain…♫

      • eddi

        ?… a heart, da nerve…? We’re off to see the Wizard. At least everyone says we must be off.

  • TRUMP eats little doggies, too.

    • Dee Andee

      Poor widdle pup. :(

  • JoeChristmas

    More military, cut taxes and what was that third thing?

    • Msgr_Moment

      illtelligent-looking glasses?

    • ManchuCandidate

      Kill all non white immigrants.

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Oops.

  • Whoops: THIS ONE

    • eddi

      A thousand welcomes to the perfect cartoonist to cover the election debacle of 2016.

      • Doug Langley

        Whew! Just as I was going into withdrawal symptoms over Colbert.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Let no one be mistaken – Donald Trump’s candidacy is a cancer on conservatism, and it must be clearly diagnosed, excised and discarded.

    Obama was playing eleven-dimensional chess when he put that existing preconditions claws in the ACA: the GOP is stuck with Trump now.

  • Mary Sandoras

    Looking forward to the Trumpsters response, it will be yoooooooge.

  • goonemeritus

    Maybe if the Republican Party didn’t woo all those butt-hurt Dixiecrats in the late 60’s their base wouldn’t be inclined to love Trump so much.

    • Antimassacree

      Karma is a twisted bitch.

  • gene108

    What does The Donald Trump have to ask foregivenss for? Being yoooge and classying up the joint ain’t sins Gov. Perry.

    It is God who should ask Donald for foregivenss for putting so many people on the planet, who make classless joints that The Donald needs to classy up and make yoooge.

  • coozledad

    In times of trouble, verily there are three, uh two types of leaders, one against whom this house shall not stand divided. Those borne in purple, in a triumph though there never was once, and those who survey the wreckage of a great storehouse of the almighty and say what. What will be will most certainly be and I am that.

    • eggsacklywright

      Now that’s some authentic frontier gibberish.

  • guppy06

    Conservatism doesn’t foment agitation through identity politics.

    “Oh, we don’t do it deliberately, it just has a funny way of working out that way! USA! USA! USA!”

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      Yeah, they do it the old fashioned way; through bigotry, discrimination, and disenfranchisement.

    • Whale Chowder

      Yeah, I was thinking as I read that that Conservatives do a sort of inverse identity politics where they identify the “outs” and shun them rather than attempt to pull them into the fold. It’s weird that way.

  • ManchuCandidate
  • Bahhhdman

    So Perry just wants some attention from Trump? Got it.

  • Olav_Pompatus

    Wow! That reads *exactly* like Perry speaking spontaneously, with of them big words. My glasses just make me look dorky.

    • eggsacklywright

      He should borrow some glasses from Elton John for that touch of je ne sais quoi.

  • guppy06

    Donald Trump was born into privilege.

    Didn’t he just say that True Conservatives don’t do the identity politics thing? Why does Rick Perry hate jerb creators?

  • Relativicus

    “We need patrol cars and an ambulance at the Irony house, Code 3! Code 3!”

  • stankbait

    Trump reminds me of that asshole everyone knows that for some reason never got the ass whippin he truely deserved.

    • Dee Andee

      Agrred.

      Little did G-Dragon know, when he made the song “Crooked” two years ago, that he was channeling Trump, right down to the hair. A pouty, petulant little prick.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKhsHGfrFmY

      • SecludedCompound

        What the fuck am I watching here….

        • Dee Andee

          K-pop. :)

    • Lizzietish81

      That reminds me of every GOP candidate

      • Dee Andee

        LOL, good point.

    • Biff52

      The rich have people for that.

  • Relativicus

    Wouldn’t it be great if Rosie O’Donnel was running in second place in the polls for the GOP presidential nomination?

  • Dudleydidwrong

    When elephants fight, ants get trampled.
    When clowns engage in a pissing contest, all participants take a golden shower.
    Don’t bother toweling off, Ricky, ’cause there’s another squirt heading your way.

  • FauxAntocles

    They hate the Donald for out-Rethuglicaning them

  • Bahhhdman

    Since when are Republicans big on forgiveness?

    A big donor who snubs them the first time but ponies up the second?

  • Ryan Denniston

    “Donald Trump is the modern-day incarnation of the know-nothing movement.”

    Seems fitting for a know-nothing base.

  • schmannity

    “The White House has been occupied by giants.”

    Why you gotta drag Taft into this?

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Poor Taft, he never did nothing to no one.
      He barely did anything for anyone either but that is beside the point

    • Barbara Delaney

      He of the oversized bathtub? I hear Chris Christie is trying to track it down..just in case.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    Hard to keep your Antichrists straight these days without a scorecard.

    • natoslug

      Oh, it’s pretty easy. Who’s the Antichrist?– AOT,K! We’re discussing the current 87 or 138, or whatever the number candidates is up to now, GOP contenders, right?

      • alwayspunkindrublic

        Just waiting for the number of contenders to reach 666…then we’ll know for sure.

        • Biff52

          BINGO!

      • Amy!

        Nineteen and counting?

        Wait, maybe that’s something else. I lose track of these family-and-faith conservative things, sometimes.

    • vivian

      … or even a discord card

  • freakishlystrong

    Actually, Conservatism is the cancer. The Donald is just a yooooge lump.

    • Blank Ron

      That explains the number of candidates. It’s metastasising.

  • Paul Dietzel

    Gosh, whatever happened to Saint Reagan’s 11th commandment ?

    • natoslug

      It’s been a while; was that “Fuck the poor” or “Mommy, change my diaper”?

    • willi0000000

      it currently has a great view of the underside of a bus.

      [ and a neat new tire tread tattoo ]

  • Pugsandcoffee

    The STAGGERING lack of self-awareness it took to utter that shit is, well, STAGGERING.

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      You could even say it’s YOOOGE!

      • jmk

        But totally not CLASSY!

  • docterry6973

    Gosh, how could a sower of discord lead the GOP polls? Could it be that the GOP has pandered to ignorant haters for too long?

    • Blank Ron

      Not long enough!

      – the GOP

  • lucidamente

    Is this the pot calling the kettle Niggerhead?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Of course not. That would be Identity Politics, something that true Koch-sucking assholes conservatives would never do.

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Dear GOP:
    For quite some time now, you have been cultivating a base of stunted, selfish, uneducated, spiteful bigots. You nurtured their fears, you flamed their hatreds, you roused their righteous ire at every opportunity, warrented or no.
    All I really have to say about the Trump thing? You reap what you sow, mother fuckers, maybe you should read A book that says stuff like that?

  • Lizzietish81

    Slightly OT but a head’s up: Remember that John Hancock guy who showed up a couple of months ago to jocksplain to us why fat people are worse than Hitler and his sock puppet, youracunt who followed me around the next day?

    Well at the time I noticed another subtly named disques user, Ihatefatchicks, had also decided to follow me. I’m pretty sure he’s a different person since he has a history separate from JohnHancock but is a friend, so I was sure he was going to follow up with more stalking fun, but didn’t.

    Until today. He’s given me three responses on the ists and will likely come over for more fun, so please give a Wonkette Welcome to Ihatefatchicks before I use my awesome powers to get him banned for no reason.

    • Msgr_Moment

      I say we clamp his head between these and squeeze real tight:

      • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

        Pro Junior, is that you?

        • Msgr_Moment

          Not me, Honeybunch.

      • Malaclypse

        Maybe with an assist from Ms. Dawson?

    • Gosh, I feel almost jealous. I don’t think any trolls are following me. (Note to trolls: this is not an invitation.)

    • alwayspunkindrublic

      And ye shall know them by their classy usernames.

    • SecludedCompound

      I find that people with social media names like “ihatefatchicks” are usually prime specimens of beauty, both inside and out.

    • Antimassacree

      Will be happy to offer the welcome he deserves. Also too, thanks for your recent most excellent discussion trouncing of the climate-denying faux scientist.

      • Lizzietish81

        I went to college for environmental science, it’s nice to use my degree occasionally.

        Also, I am disappointed in my stalker, looks like he gave up after the ists banned his ass

        • Blank Ron

          Darn. These new chew toys hardly last any time at all.

          • Lizzietish81

            I know, even my newest stalker barely lasted a couple of hours.

  • LarryHoudini

    Anyone against demagoguery, mean-spiritedness and nonsense will never win the Republican primary.

    • Has Perry not read the bullet points on the GOP platform?

      • Biff52

        He probably has, but he’s gonna dis Trump for saying it out loud, anyway.

      • Yeah, but as we saw in 2012, Republican candidates aren’t supposed to be repeating them in public.

      • vivian

        He can only remember the first two.

  • The Big Truth

    “Conservatism doesn’t foment agitation through identity politics.”
    Of course it doesn’t, Rick. It foments agitation through social issues.

    Vote Rick Perry. He’s Technically Correct!

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      Pretty sure it does too foment agitation through identity politics. Since if you are not one of them you are obviously -bad- and need to be squished like a bug. Or at least bad mouthed on Fox for many years

      • SecludedCompound

        Interesting, I seem to remember being stupid, ignorant, unpatriotic Maoist coward who was With The Terrists™ for at least eight years in the aughts. Not sure how that happened since conservatives are so principled and guided only by policy.

  • Michael Smith

    “a toxic mix of demagoguery, mean-spiritedness and nonsense that will lead the Republican Party to perdition if pursued”

    If that were true, the Republican Party would already be pretty darn perditted.

    • Trump isn’t coding it in dog whistles. That’s why the GOP base is praising him for “plain speaking”.

      • Michael Smith

        True:

        • Mehmeisterjr

          If Hannity is for him, then he must be great! No, not great. That other thing. A thick-headed, blustering lout.

  • I will say this: if it comes down to hair and makeup, it’s Perry over Trump in a cakewalk (unless Mittens joins the field).

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      He’ll do better in the swimsuit competition as well.

      • vivian

        I have Miss Lindsey for the swimsuit competition. But I’m truly stumped on the Talent segment. I don’t see a single skill in all 16, given that race-baiting is part of the general competition. If only those bastards at Univision would only televise it.

        • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

          Somebody’s gotta win the corndog eating contest. My money’s on Donald.

          • Dave

            Sweet Jesus on a Vespa. We have got to make a hot dog eating contest part of the upcoming FOX debate.

          • jmk

            Naw… he uses an outdated knife-and-fork technique that will lose him points with the judges, while Perry’s ability to wow the audience with his deep-throat technique is legendary. Perry takes the corndog-eating segment in a walk.

          • BearGHAZI

            Um, CHRISTIE?!?

        • Antimassacree

          Santorum in the talent competition due to his mad corn dog skills. Plays well with Iowa caucus attendees.

  • Michael Smith

    I think its pretty funny that Trump’s exaggerated grandstanding has forced the Republicans to admit the stupidity of many of their “stances.” Don’t they realize, though, how many of their followers really do love Trump?

    I saw on Facebook a story about Trump “going to the border” to meet people that guard it – I clicked on the comments to get my fill of laughs at the inevitable snark. But to my horror, almost every comment was along the lines of “Go get ’em Trump!”

  • beatbort

    Wow. Perry hired a speechwriter. And he has learned to read real good.
    Obama is “mean-spirited”?
    Perry wrote the book on mean-spiritedness.
    As for wanting more troops in the US military, that means expanding the federal government and more spending. This from a guy who has, when it suited him, pulled out the rhetoric about seceding from the Union.

    • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

      He’ll believe there are plenty of troops in the US military by the time Jade Helm is done with his ass. Bwa ha ha ha ha!

    • SecludedCompound

      Ha… he really made a point tel them to drop as many polysyllabic, noble sounding words as possible in ths one, didn;t he?

      “Heh, this is mah big chance guys, gonna turn the presidential up to ten, gon’ look real good next to this feller.”

      • Blank Ron

        ‘turn the presidential up to ten’? Perry the Presidentpuss couldn’t turn it up to two.

  • Mhael

    “Donald Trump is the modern-day incarnation of the know-nothing movement.”

    Rick… buddy… c’mon. The modern day Know-Nothing Party is the fucking Tea Party. Xenophobic, white supremacist, anti-education…. they’re pretty much analogous to each other, a few minor details aside.

  • True to Republican maverickism, Donald Trump has put the kibosh on his own talk of universal health care.

    So basically a Republican like Trump now is still more palpable than a Republican who is as far on the left on certain domestic policy issues as, oh, say, Richard Nixon.

  • vivian

    So they Guy Who Can’t Remember Three Things is calling out his competition for being one of the Know-Nothings? Good times, GOP, Good times.

  • AnOuthouse

    Perry is punching above his weight. The Donald will be noogying him in front of the girls this afternoon.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    I’m of two minds. Should I call my new garage band “Repairers of the Breach” or “Sowers of Discord?” I figure that “Repairers of the Breach and Sowers of Discord” is just too long unless I can get the kids to call is “ROTBASOD.” Anyhow, props to Rick Perry to delivering this carefully-written speech in his grown up I-wear-glasses voice. It almost makes him appear presidential until you notice what he is saying.

    • vivian

      SOD wins. Sowers of Dischord as an alternate spelling.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Which reminds me of the irony that the current Republican front runner is openly engaging in SODomy.

    • Michael Christian

      SOD is already taken. Though the sentiment expressed on the album “Speak English or Die” would fit it well with the Republican platform.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_frXYiZ-cAo

    • SecludedCompound

      “Repairers of the Breach and Sowers of Discord” is amazing.

  • Oblios_Cap

    Donald Trump is the modern-day incarnation of the know-nothing movement.

    I thought that was the GOP platform.

    • natoslug

      That is just one of the many-faceted aspects of the modern GOP platform. There’s also “Fuck you!- I’ve got mine,” “Fuck you!- you’re poor,” “Fuck you!- you’re too swarthy,” and “Fuck you!- oh wait, you’ve got money? How ’bout I suck you instead?”

      • OrdinaryJoe

        Don’t forget: Fuck you – that’s what you get for fucking.

    • Ergoetal

      Climate change, anyone? Evolution? Guns?

      • Blank Ron

        ♫ One of these things is not like the others… ♬

  • Dave

    The fascinating part is how much Perry et. al. are spending to look like idiot. I can look like a moron without spending a dime.

  • So, Rick Perry pretty much confirmed everything Trump said about him.

    Good strategery Rick.

  • Manhattan123

    Even when he is trying to be a smarty pants, Perry sounds stupid. When he referenced the McCarthy hearings, he called Army counsel Joseph Welch (“Have you no sense of decency, sir”) a senator. He was not a senator. Just as Rick Perry is not going to be a president.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      And anyhow, wasn’t the GOP in favor of Commissioner Carstairs way back when?

  • Lance Thrustwell

    What people don’t realize is that the reason conservatives – hell anyone – like Trump is that he’s willing to GO OFF SCRIPT. In other words, to be himself and ‘tell it like it is’, even if his ‘is’ is a feverish megalomaniac fantasy. People are STARVING for a politician whose every word doesn’t sound focus-grouped and party-line. If only we could have a smart, kind, knowledgeable candidate go a little Bulworth on our asses. He just might win.

    • Malmborg Implano

      People need to get out more and go see some good improv. Second City is always reliable.

      • eddi

        Donald is more like the guy yelling obcenities at the street light. The entertainment is free, but you need to keep your distance.

    • Fun with Cthulhu

      That’s why The Donald will be the GOP nominee.

  • Yvonne Matthews

    yes Manhattan he did call Welch a senator and no one in the media has said squat.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      But he said it in such an earnest voice. And with glasses, yet!

  • fawkedifiknow

    There was a scene in “Mississippi Burning” when Gene Hackbart says to Willem Defoe, “The rattlesnakes are turning on each other” (or somethin’ like ‘at). This is that scene in ‘murica right now.

    • Malmborg Implano

      Boy howdy! This will also happen to capitalism as a whole btw.

      • Antimassacree

        That’s just a normal workday.

  • Barbara Delaney

    Rick Perry used the word foment twice in that speech. How many times do you think Ricky has used that word before, either correctly or incorrectly?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Governor Perry, use the word “foment” in a sentence.

      Perry: You are either foment or antiment.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        For the win!

    • Vegan and Tiara

      When do you think the last time Perry used the word “perdition”? My guess would be “never.”

      • Blank Ron

        There was this one time when he was buying tickets for this movie at the local Multiplex.

    • dshwa

      13 hours and not one AOT,K answer to this? You’re slipping, wonkettariat comments

  • Rick Hill

    “Trumpism: a toxic mix of demagoguery, mean-spiritedness and nonsense that will lead the Republican Party to perdition if pursued.”

    Isn’t that why Trump is doing so well? Because the gop is already way down that road, long past the point of turning back?

  • blinkytoo

    Wonkette is the best thing on the internet! Except maybe, for that surfing squirrel.
    I wish I could get your email deliveries that I keep putting my email address into but NONE ever come. I am not a chinese bulgarian hacker! Why doest thou forsaken me Wonkette?

  • TheBidenator

    Conservatism doesn’t foment agitation through identity politics? Hahahahahahahahahahaha :deep breath: hahahahahahahahahaha :panting: I’m sorry, I’m sorry I just can’t hahahahahaha you fucking moran Rick Perry, you clueless, thick skulled, projection using imbecile….

    Wingnuts generally have their heads shoved so far up their asses that they only see darkness but the methane must really be fucking with Perruh’s mind. Rick, your entire platform is based on identity politics, it’s why your party is a bunch of rich and/or Christian mostly Southern but definitely white people. You don’t get a party of that composition by accident you asshole….

  • Malmborg Implano

    If my cat ever got hold of an automatic rifle…no, I can’t think about it.

  • akita96th

    All the pots and all the kettles are having a shit tizzy fit.

  • akita96th

    Who you calln stoopid ?? I anint stoiopid you is stoopid….No NOI NOo you is stoopid…what do ya mean stoopid I dun told u I aint stoopid..stoopid stoopid stoopid stoooooopid…Dummmba

  • VandeGraf

    Same manufacturer, different brands, Perry and Trump and Cruz are versions of cereal created by GOP Mills.

    • Vegan and Tiara

      “Now with even MORE vitamin stupid!”

  • Cismontane

    This debate actually involves statements with complete sentences and big words? I wouldn’t have thought that within the capacity of either Perry or Trump.

  • marxalot

    That’s a lot of big words for Gov Goodhair. Did they install the RomneySoft Basic Diction and (Grand)eloquence modules already?

  • UnsaltedSinner

    “The White House has been occupied by giants.”

    Someone should make a movie about that exciting incident.

  • Jan Ness

    IDK I’ve heard Perry speak before and that speech does not sound like him. I wonder if he found something online and did a cut and paste with the names?

    • eddi

      I don’t know who wrote the lyrics, but he does have a pretty good singing voice for the delivery.

  • SecludedCompound

    Conservatism doesn’t foment agitation through identity politics. That’s what Democrats do.

    Sweet! Maybe he should post this quote at the gate to Niggerhead Ranch.

    • Antimassacree

      Southern Strategy? What Southern Strategy?

  • Gleem-McShinez

    “Conservatism doesn’t foment agitation through identity politics.
    Except when we do. And it is always ok, except when it isn’t. Like when my political opponent does it.
    Glad I could clear that up, with my big Presidential Talkins!
    Now, watch this YEEHAWWWW!!!”
    *fires guns into air, coyote*

  • Vegan and Tiara

    Me-OUCH! Perry really can bring the burn. I’m sure the short fingered vulgarian is crying in a corner somewhere. I mean that’s if he isn’t laughing his ass off that Rick “glasses make me look real smart” Perry still thinks he has a chance.

  • eddi

    And here I thought all this early candidacy stuff was gonna be boring. I owe Donald a drink.

    • Blank Ron

      Think he’d like hemlock?

  • JParkerSD46

    Whoever writes all those words for Perry has an unbelievable and hysterically funny sense of irony.

  • Kgprophet

    Sir Richard Perry III fomented the thesaurus, plying his discord with diction that embodies such elocution reaching thrice as many syllables as per diem quid pro quo. Nay, his intellectual prowess has flourished since procuring the pristine focal instrument that rests upon his hallowed pate.

  • SK

    But as a supporter of socialized medicine, the stimulus package and Hillary Clinton, Mr. Trump is quite suited to follow the Democrats’ example.

    You know who else followed the Democrats’ example?
    (No you salivating hyenas of Pavlov, it is not Hitler)

    That’s right, it was Perry.

  • dshwa

    {munches moar popcorn}

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