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We figured televangelist scamster Pat Robertson would have been raptured by now, what with the Gaypocalypse and all. But nah, he is making words, still, on the teevee, with his 213-year-old senile talking hole. Sure, they are mostly nonsense words, because of how he is 213 and also senile. That’s why he always has a hapless lady sidekick to explain his answers to the viewing audience at home, like when he says he raced his sports car in the mountains at TWO hundred miles per hour, and the sidekick nervously laughs and says he probably means ONE hundred miles per hour, ha … ha … ha … and holy sweet fucking Jesus, she’s thinking to herself, this job sucks.

 

Here are some words Robertson recently said to “Thomas,” a “viewer” who “wrote” his concerns about abortion and using fetal tissue for medical research and “How could this kind of sociopathic hypocrisy possibly be legal?” Robertson, noted legal expert, responds by saying “Roe v. Wade” and shaking his head in wonder that the Supreme Court has come up with “these strange rules,” and some other words, la la la, stumbling senile old man talking crazy talk, and then — jackpot!

They’ve said abortion is a constitutional right. They have said homosexuality is a constitutional right. They’ve said now homosexual marriage is a constitutional right. Watch what happens. Love affairs between men and animals will be absolutely prohibited — I mean permitted.

Pat, buddy, hate to break it to you, but it’s already happened. Allow us to introduce you to Jonathan Edward Medley, of Alabama, who was recently arrested and charged with animal cruelty, for fucking his wife’s dog. The missus paid too much attention to her dog, in his opinion, and not enough attention to him, so he FUCKED HER DOG, to teach her a lesson. That was before the Supreme Court ruled on marriage equality, bee tee dubs.

Not convinced? How about this guy, who went to see a man about a horse, so he could fuck it? And he would have gotten away with it, too, if the whole thing hadn’t turned out to be a real mean trick by the Maricopa County Sheriff’s Department, where apparently there is an epidemic of horsefucking that must be stopped. No word on whether he was a congregant of Raymond Bell’s Cowboy Church of Virginia, where you can learn how to ungay yourself, by fondling a horse. FOR JESUS.

It’s not just the four-legged fuckholes, though, that people have been doing sex to, even before the Supreme Court gayed up America. There’s this Florida Man, who fell in interspecies love with a saucy girl dolphin named Dolly, in the 1970s, before the Supreme Court had even decriminalized buttsex. (Do dolphins have butts? Unsure. Will Google later.) Still, that was straight up hetero sex that guy was doing to that dolphin, you cannot blame the Supreme Court or the gays for that one, Pat.

Also, Sen. Thad Cochran, from the sick state of Mississippi, used to do “all kinds of indecent things with animals,” when he was growing up on the farm. He’s gross. Go ahead and judge him all you want.

It’s not just “love affairs” (how adorably old-timey quaint, right?) Robertson wants us to watch out for. There will be polygamy too, probably, which is maybe worse than fucking animals? (Note to selves: Look that one up when we Google dolphin butts.) Sadly, though, there’s nothing we can do about it because — go on, Pat, tell us the because:

We are stuck with a fixed doctrine of five old men on the Supreme Court. Five men with black robes, they’re not all old anymore.

Aaaand we’re out of time, folks, time for Pat to take a nap, and for his haplesss lady sidekick to hit the bottle.

[RightWingWatch]

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  • Msgr_Moment

    First dibs on OHJB’s dog! (I like it ruff.)

  • Relativicus

    Worry no more, Pat! What’s done is done.

  • Anarchy Pony

    Biblical condemnation of abortion please. Oh, wait, there isn’t one? Huh.

  • Zippy

    Do dolphins have butts? Well, Richie Incognito is an asshole…

    • Msgr_Moment

      I remember there used to be Butkusing from some big ole Bear.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Polygamy? I’m sure Pat has his own stable of fillies.

    • kindness

      Well it’s like all the ones who are under the master….Just like the sheep Robertson’s dog has to be very nervous.

  • FauxAntocles

    Lady sidekick didn’t tell him that they let ladies on the SCOTUS now?
    On second thought, that could make his aneurysm explode.

  • azeyote

    wait a minute – didn’t Dubya have a hand job thing going on with his horse – i thought horsing around was mainstream now.

    • beatbort

      And W. graduated from Yale, just like Pat Robertson!
      A connection? Are all Yalies horse wankerers?

      • jodyleek

        Gives a whole new level of understanding to what went on in the Skull and Bones Society, don’t it?

      • azeyote

        thought they did the coffin thing there

    • tinker12

      Gee Dub is afraid of horses, that’s why he only “cleared brush” on his fake ranch that KKKarl Rove made him buy in order to look more Reaganesque.

      • Blank Ron

        It’s been noted before that he’s nervous around anyone (or anything) smarter than he is.

  • beatbort

    “Love affairs between men and animals will be absolutely prohibited — I mean permitted.”
    A classic Freudian slip. Pat so badly wants to bang his golden retriever that he can’t get his words straight.

  • FukuiSanYesOta

    Paging Dan Savage. Dan Savage to the white courtesy phone, please.

  • Well only if he’s been a good boy. Treatsies? Who wants treatsies? Who’s been a good boy?

    • Vecciojohn

      Sit up and beg for it, bitch!

  • coozledad

    There are even worse jobs. Having to smear peanut butter on Pat’s dick down at his beagle farm is one of them.

  • Zippy

    Speaking of Planned Parenthood videos- brace yourselves for another round of BS. Megyn Kelly was breathlessly reporting on another “sting” video that didn’t seem to show any of what she claimed it did- but boy were they het up about it nonetheless

  • Relativicus

    Dolphins do not have butts…

    • ZangoCrudmonger

      Chartreuse towels? I’d rather fuck the dog. (hoping we are all seeing the same ad here, he typed sheepishly)

    • docdonn

      sea cucumbers only have a single orifice…is that a double sin?

      • arglebargle

        Food goes in, shit comes out. you can’t explain that.

        • docdonn

          Pat’s version of transubstantiation?

    • SnarkTank

      Well, the colon doesn’t just stop. It must lead to an opening for excretory porpoises (sorry). And that opening, IMO, would be its butt, wouldn’t it?

      • Relativicus

        I feel like a butt needs cheeks and must be at least partially cracked, but that could just be because I am a noted, and quite rabid (it’s okay, I’m getting the shots), speciesist. Also, the butt on a pig is its shoulder! But Dolphins don’t have shoulders. Or do they? Somebody else Google to see if Dolphins have butt shoulders, please.

        • bobbert

          Since the human butt is related to the gluteus maximus (cf., Sir Mix-A-Lot), I believe the correct usage would be that dolphins have buttholes without the butts.

          • Relativicus

            Now THAT’S science!

    • Bureaucrap

      Dolphins with butts, allow me the privilege of introducing you to sharks with fricking lasers.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    • weejee

      Well the Replicans are having their goat rodeo, so there is that.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Do the goats write their own profiles, or are those fake profiles?

    • Can’t wait for what that data breach is going to reveal…

      • Michael Smith

        It will confirm the theory I’ve had all along that George Pataki is an antelope

        • Vecciojohn

          And some people called you crazy.

    • Probably owned by the same company as ChristianMingles.com.

      • Blank Ron

        Possibly the exact same database also, too.

    • Brother Yam

      God damn it, I can’t unsee that…

  • What’s it

    Patty is peanut butter and jealous.

  • Relativicus

    As for polygamy, the results are inconclusive. I do note, however, that there is something called a “butt dolphin”.

    • deanbooth

      Fa loves Pa!

    • SnarkTank

      That result for the Urban Dictionary is….disturbing to me.

  • …and holy sweet fucking Jesus, she’s thinking to herself, this job sucks.

    Nah, she’s thinking to herself “He can’t last forever. A few more months – a year? – and this gig is all mine. Hold on, hold on…”

    • Antimassacree

      It can’t be what she envisioned when she got that Miss America crown placed on her head. Sitting next to a guy who smells like stale urine for 20+ years under stage lighting.

      • Blank Ron

        Hopefully JUST stale and not, you know, really, really fresh.

  • weejee

    700 Club is evilgelical for mondo cane.

  • beatbort

    OK, everyone. Let’s get down on our knees and have a group prayer:
    “Lord, please take your servant Pat Robertson home. Why are you leaving him down here for so long, Lord? He’s 216 years old, for Christ’s sake! Thank you, Lord, for your attention to this matter.”

    • Blank Ron

      I‘VE BEEN TRYING, BUT THE MAN HAS NO SOUL FOR ME TO TAKE. SORRY, HE’S JUST NOT ON MY LIST.

      DEATH

  • dslindc

    Isn’t it time to put him in a home or something? It seems irresponsible not to ask.

    • To quote myself from an earlier story about Prince Philip: “there comes a time when Pop-Pop shouldn’t be allowed to talk to strangers…”

      • Antimassacree

        Especially in front of a television camera.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Is “Thomas,” a “viewer” the 10 year old kid from the Inhoffe story?

    • dslindc

      Tune in tomorrow when Pat decries that we’re all going to hell because any dog can pee on any fire hydrant, regardless of physical or identified gender!

      • eggsacklywright

        Golden retriever showers.

  • deanbooth

    “Trigger Warning!” — Roy Rogers

  • Polygamous human-on-animal marriage was the plan all along, Pat. We had funding from the powerful crazy cat lady lobby, and we accepted that funding on their terms. That’s how the sausage gets made sometimes.

    • dslindc

      It’s true, and that lobby is surprisingly well-funded due to extensive coupon use to save on cat food.

    • jviscont1

      The Dog Whisperer guy’s show is worth watching if you want to create that special bond with fido.

  • Spotts1701

    Shoot, our cover’s been blown! Abort the mission! Abort!

    • SterWonk

      He’s anti-abortion too.

  • Pollos Hermanos

    No.

  • Mystery_Poster

    Well, Nikola Tesla fell in love with a pigeon.

    http://m.huffpost.com/us/entry/4320773

    • Mystery_Poster

      “I loved that pigeon as a man loves a woman, and she loved me. As long as I had her, there was a purpose to my life.”

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    When did Pat get a Turbo Carrera?

    No doubt he can afford one.

    • Blank Ron

      Nah, he had the stage crew supercharge his wheelchair.

  • Ryan Denniston

    Has anyone told Pat that groupsex is already a Thing?

    • FauxAntocles

      Yeah, but it didn’t come around til the Romans – by that time, Pat was already senile.

    • aureolaborealis

      Sidenote: I also wonder if anyone has told Pat that most of the buttsex happening in God’s America is taking place inside lady butts?

      • Ryan Denniston

        That is an excellent and underreported point. Which reminds me to watch Bad Santa later today.

  • Nobody spend more time thinking about having sex with animals than Real True Christians like Robertson and Santorum.

    • Antimassacree

      Wonder what they thought when they read about Francis of Assisi loving ALL the animals.

      • Blank Ron

        ‘Lucky bastard!’

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    he always has a hapless lady sidekick to explain his answers to the viewing audience at home
    Kinda like the lady who interprets for Stephen Hawking, except Hawking’s more understandable than Robertson even without the translator.

    • Christians are used to having the words of their holy men interpreted for them, like explaining how Jesus totally hated gun control laws.

  • Mystery_Poster

    Then there was this story. It didn’t say he was doing the pig-nasty, but he was found naked and drunk on Hamm’s beer lying with pigs.
    http://www.syracuse.com/us-news/index.ssf/2015/07/drunk_naked_pennsylvania_man_arrested_in_pig_barn.html

    • Anarchy Pony

      Never drink hamm’s, I think, is the moral of that story.

      • Mystery_Poster

        I just like pigs

  • cleanfront

    I love you, Flip.

    • Blank Ron

      I know what she’s thinking: ‘Wow, cold water DOES make them shrink.’

  • LarryHoudini

    I always wanted to join the 700 Club!
    Oh wait . . . that’s not the same as the Mile High Club, is it?

  • Thatsitfor Theotherwon

    A woman is a lot like acid. A good one will eat right through your pants.

    — Josh Acid (Coulda been ol’ Pat though)

  • Dr.Zoidberg

    Yeah, but what if the dog is really into it?

    • SnarkTank

      Then you’ve put too much peanut butter on your dick.

      • Dr.Zoidberg

        Hmmm….I don’t even have a dick, I have lady parts….I might need to rethink my Saturday night plans…

        • SnarkTank

          Remind me to send you my private cell number…. :-)

        • Blank Ron

          Jif: for when Fido’s just not that into you.

  • Antimassacree

    “…his hapless lady sidekick…”

    While I can’t feel too bad for her, since she could have gone elsewhere to find honest work, she has been working to keep Robertson from going completely off the rails (not too successfully) since 1993! She has to be wondering what it is going to take to finally kill the old lunatic, or translated into never-say-shit-even-with-a-mouth-full-of-it-ese “when the Lord will call Pat home.”

  • schmannity

    Ashley-Madison revenue to double.

  • Indiepalin

    That Terry is one good lookin’ broad.

  • Jason M

    I’m glad to see Tales From the Crypt is back, but didn’t the Crypt Keeper used to be a lot funnier?

    • OneDemin EOr

      And better looking!

  • We are stuck with a fixed doctrine of five old men on the Supreme Court.

    If there’s one thing that fundies hate, it’s being stuck with a fixed doctrine handed down by old men.

    • arglebargle

      Has anyone told Pat that some of those old men in robes are wimmen? That outta invalidate everything he deems an abomination. He’ll prolly keep the decisions he likes though.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Why do wingnut critics of the Supreme Court always have to bring up the “black robes”? I mean, is it to suggest a lack of masculinity (probably, since they never seem to notice the women on the court), or some Satanic quality to the attire? Some Fear of a Black Planet? All of the above? WTF?

    • Steven Posey

      It’s because they’d prefer white robes with pointy hooded masks.

  • Jeamonn

    I found this in Pat Robertson’s wallet.

    • Blank Ron

      What, no stockings?

  • Hemp Dogbane

    Imagine being the curator of the Pat Robertson Archives, going through Pat’s notes for his show, deciding what to shred.

    • marxalot

      God help us, that sounds awful. How about going through it all deciding what to frame in the Museum of the Bizarre?

    • minidriver

      The early show archives were destroyed in the Great Chicago fire.

  • VandeGraf

    Pat Robertson seems to have bestiality on his mind a lot. Methinks he doth protest too much.

    • w9anthimos

      The sheep in his town cross to the other side of the road when they see him coming.

  • diogenez

    The only thing that old fraud worries about is keeping the checks rolling in.

  • Mavenmaven

    the dogma of five old men, instead of just me.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I thought 3 of those old men were really ladies?
      Or is everyone on the court a man in a black dress?

      • Latverian Diplomat

        It’s kind of weird that he corrected himself on the old thing, and not the men thing.

        Also, Roe was a 7-2, although later, stupider decisions have been 5-4 and a very mixed bag because Kennedy is a misogynist jerk.

      • Mavenmaven

        Those were Robertson’s words. At this point, he probably no longer remembers the difference between men and women.

      • minidriver

        Most people are upset with 5 men in black robes. Alito, Scalia, Kennedy, Roberts, and Thomas.

  • Greg Fuderer

    yeah, lady? well, if your little kid wasn’t going to grow up to be hitler or a mass murderer, he’d still be alive. oh, praise jesus.

  • Ilgattomorte

    Soon Mr. Tinkles, soon!
    Thank you Pat Robertson.

  • CriticalDragon1177

    Seriously many in the religious right seem to be obsessed with bestiality. they seem to think that everything from atheism, to abortion, to homosexuality lead done a slippery slope to not being horrified when someone is caught doing it with their dog. I wonder how many of these sick people secretly fantasy about raping animals.

    • Jen_Baker_VA

      I am going to guess all of them and that they are not quite so secret about it.
      Either that, or they have to keep comparing everything to beastiality and pedophillia in order to incite the rubes.
      Or, well, could be both.

    • It’s the same thing with their obsession with buttsexing. I never really think about (or care) what two people are doing in their bedrooms, and the only reason I even have to think about it is because the idiots won’t shut the hell up about it. Seriously, they need to get out of the closet, and just admit it. That, and for FSM’s sake, don’t own any pets and stay away from small children.

  • A dolphin’s butt and va-jay-jay are the same thing.

    See . . ?

    • BearGHAZI

      I wouldn’t have said it a month ago, but now that I can legally marry a man in Mississippi, I finally feel secure enough to say BREAK ME OFF SOME OF THAT DOLPHIN BUTT-VAGINE

    • elviouslyqueer

      NSFW!

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      Best Brazilian EVAR!

  • Callyson

    Do the fundies ever talk about anything that doesn’t involve other people’s sex lives? EVER?

    • Querolous

      They are always ready to talk about you sending them money.

      • Callyson

        Touché…

    • lynchie

      They truly want you to ask permission before your significant other jumps into the reverse cowboy position and yells “Jesus Christ I am coming”

  • CriticalDragon1177

    Hey pat, you’re really so concerned about “Judicial tyranny” why don’t you get a bunch of people in congress and the white house who think just like you? Oh wait, you can’t because most Americans are not obsessed with stopping gay people from marrying, most don’t want the Bible to be the law of the land instead of the constitution, and most don’t take your absolutist anti abortion stance. The American people also would be upset if congress or president setup those things as a litmus test for new supreme court judges. So you see Pat, it isn’t just a bunch of judges in black robes keeping people like you from imposing their ideology on the rest of the country. That is your fantasy. No Pat, most Americans don’t want what you want.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Beautifully said. I salute you!

  • Vecciojohn

    The next thing you know, three of the nine men on the Court will be women. Where will the madness end?

  • 3FingerPete

    Well, when my dog keeps giving me that come hither look what else am I supposed to do?

    • CognizantImpiety

      She dresses like a whore, what do you expect?

  • elviouslyqueer

    Dear Satan:

    It is way past time for you to Rapture this fundigelical nutbag downstairs so he can commence to being sodomized with a red hot pitchfork forever and always.

    Tick tock, Old Scratch. Time’s a-wasting.

    EQ

  • BearGHAZI

    But I have SINCERELY HELD RELIGIOUS BELIEFS that Fluffy is kind of asking for it

    • 3FingerPete

      Woof means woof!

  • say wha

    Dear Dog Fancy Forum:
    I am a 213 year-old televangelist, and I never thought I would be writing to Dog Fancy Forum, but last week, I was hanging around at the park, and….

  • docterry6973

    Guess what happened when primitive man found the first sheep.

    • Boscoe

      …the same thing as when he found his first overripe cantalope, his first rotting yak corpse, his first tree hollow, his first suggestively-shaped patch of dirt… etc. etc.

    • Blank Ron

      Lamb casserole?

  • A Grumpy Cat

    Does he know that there are several states, including ones where gay marriage was illegal, that don’t have bestiality laws on the books? Until recently, Texas had a gay marriage ban, but I believe they STILL don’t have a law against man-on-horse (or cow or giraffe or whatever) relations.

    • Boscoe

      because FREEDOM!!!1!

    • Blank Ron

      Man-on-girrafe? I know everything is supposed to be bigger in Texas, but come on!

  • arglebargle

    Does pat know that “Pat” can be used as a name for a man OR a woman? Just try to explain that “Mr.” Robertson.

    • Querolous

      You can name your sheep “Pat” if you want to.

    • OneDemin EOr

      Someone should Photoshop “Pat” from SNL’s wig on his head!

  • Gorillionaire

    Pat forgot to call them “lawyers”.

  • AngryKatie

    Since a good chunk of the bible is pretty much just stories about polygamists, is Pat saying god’s some kind of sex pervert and the bible is bad?

  • arglebargle

    Isn’t Mexico like 2000% catholic? I heard tell of some shenanigans goin on down Tijuana way with a donkey or some such creature. Does the lady in question ever gay marry that animal before show time?

  • Joshua Norton

    Not gonna happen, Pat. Mostly because my dog thinks she can do better.

  • Brandon Osborn

    I get sad every time I realize he’s still alive.

    • minidriver

      True meaning of 700 Club: He’s stolen enough souls to date to be 700 years old.

      • lynchie

        and enough money

  • OneDemin EOr

    If I were Pat’s pooch, I’d be looking into a prenup about now.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    “That’s why he always has a hapless lady sidekick to explain his answers to the viewing audience at home….

    Simultaneous fundietranslation of his holyrollermansplaining?

    • Boscoe

      Plus autoheterovalidation!

  • proudgrampa

    Go Home, Pat.

  • goonemeritus

    As much as I don’t like hypothetical, I’m pretty sure my dog
    can do better than me.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Fortunately you can buy Bill’s Dog Tranquilizers (formerly Cos’s Quaaludes.) Adjusts your pet’s attitude or your money back.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Anti-abortion loon Neal Horsley had this to say:

    When you grow up on a farm in Georgia, your first girlfriend is a mule.

    And since he passed away about three months ago, I will not speak ill of him – I’ll just leave that quote out there as his tombeau.

  • UnsaltedSinner

    For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of.

    • Blank Ron

      Well, I’m not gonna stop talking about my fiancee. OR my Studebaker.

      • Mintie

        No one gives a hoot about your stupid fiancee.

        But please, tell me about the Studebaker . . .

      • UnsaltedSinner

        Your heart is purer than Pat’s.

        • Blank Ron

          *looks around in puzzlement, trying to see who the hell you’re talking about*

          • UnsaltedSinner

            To be fair, that’s probably true of most people.

          • Blank Ron

            If not then we’re doomed. Nothing left to do but curl up with a good book and wait for the Reaper.

  • John Smith

    . Most of the guys use the horse to ride to the whore house in town, but whatever floats your boat.

    • Blank Ron

      Cuts way down on travel time.

  • aureolaborealis

    May I just say, once again, goddamn, Kaili. Goddamn. The effortless fluency of your snark hypnotized me. If I had a whiskey glass here at my work desk, I would raise it to you.

  • alnnc

    Someone may have mentioned this earlier, but some women were involved in th gay marriage decision. Fortunately.

    • CognizantImpiety

      What!? When did women get to be on the SCOTUS? Does PR know about this?

      Apparently not.

  • fantabulizer

    Oh, good, since apparently animals can consent to legal contracts now, I can’t wait to become the world’s greatest animal con artist, scamming all the raccoons and dolphins out of their retirement savings!

    • Teto85

      Look out, those raccoons can be pretty shrewd at times.

  • Candy Apple

    Stop projecting, Pat.

  • whitroth

    There’s only one answer for this:
    “I’m from Utah, where the Men are Men, and the sheep are nervous. I’m from Utah, where the only way you get virgin wool is from sheep that can outrun the Mormons and the Republicans.” – the late, great, U. Utah Phillips

    mark

    • lynchie

      Old joke, one farmer to another

      Bill, can you make a U turn

      Hell I can make her eyes pop

  • minidriver

    Pat must be remembering what his daddy did with a canine back in the day, and why when someone called him a son of a bitch, he couldn’t say anything back. Too bad he got all of his daddy’s genetics, he would have been a much better human being.

  • Rocket Scientist

    Patty’s head is full of mashed nanners. His Depends are full also. At this point he’s more to be pitied than censured. Sad Patty, sitting on a fortune he can’t remember how to spend.

    • Blank Ron

      Creflo Dollar will be right over to borrow some of it for his new Gulfstream.

  • Thomas Mc

    Robertson is projecting. Someone needs to rescue his dog.

    • Me not sure

      Not me, he might be a real catch.

  • fifthdentist

    Things that Pat thinks about.

    Men having sex with dogs.
    Men having sex with horses.
    Men having sex with other men.
    Men having sex with hamsters.
    Men having sex with mountain lions.
    Having a bowel movement.
    Men having sex with possums.
    ??????
    Men having sex with bears.
    “Why the hell am I always fantasizing about gay/canine/equine/bear/possum orgies?”

  • splashy79

    Men? Didn’t he notice the women, or can he not see that well?

  • Markuserektus

    Still relevant…and cute.

    https://youtu.be/EXPcBI4CJc8

  • Teto85

    Methinks Pat doth protest too much. I fear for his dogs and other animals.

  • Blank Ron

    I’m never gonna get anything done today, what with having to be in my bunk so often.

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