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Donald Trump, Wonkette takes it all back. You are the best Republican candidate probably since Abraham Lincoln, who wouldn’t have had to deal with that pesky Civil War if he had just gotten the Messicans to build a YOOOOOOGE wall around the traitor states and posted signs everywhere that said “Camp Moron.” Speaking to voters in Lindsey Graham’s South Carolina, Trump thought it would be a good idea to say all kinds of bad words about Sen. Graham, and then give out his personal cell phone number, in case anybody in the audience was looking for a good sexxxy time with the Senator or something. Trump was mad because Graham called him a “jackass,” which is just mean.

Is there video? OF COURSE! And honestly, we HATE TRANSCRIBING THINGS, and Trump is a rambling pain in our ass, but we are going to do it for you, because this shit? Epic:

Probably, seems to me not as bright, honestly, as Rick Perry. I think Rick Perry is probably smarter than Lindsey Graham, but what do I know? Actually I said about Rick Perry that, he said I shouldn’t be debating, because my spirit is wrong for America. All I want to do is make us rich, save your Social Security, stop having everyone rip us off and I have a bad spirit, right? So he said, “He shouldn’t be allowed on the debate stage.” I said to myself, “He shouldn’t?” And then I tweeted — you know I have many millions between Twitter and Facebook, it’s great. It’s like owning a newspaper without the losses, it’s incredible. Incredible!

It’s INCREDIBLE, Donald Trump’s Twitter. All the other Twitter accounts are like WHOA, that’s a YOOOOOGE Twitter.

So I tweeted that Rick Perry should have to have an IQ test before getting on the debate stage. And people said … today I got called a jackass by this guy [Graham]! Then I said to myself, “Hey, didn’t this guy call me like four years ago? Yes.” He called me four years ago, three, four years ago, Lindsey Graham, I didn’t even know who he was. He goes, “Mr. Trump? This is Senator Lindsey Graham? I wonder if it would be possible for you to call Fox.” Because you know, until I ran I had that little thing I’d do, just for fun, “Fox & Friends” is so great, Brian and Steve and Elisabeth. They’re great people, right? They’re great!

Gotta cut in here to point out that Trump totally gay-voices when he’s quoting Graham. And also, the “Fox & Friends” Couch Of Stupid are not “great,” they are abject morons. MOVING ON:

And he wanted to know whether or not I could give him a good reference on “Fox & Friends,” okay? He wanted to know would I do that. And of course he wanted to know whether or not he could come and see me for some campaign contributions. And you know, I give to everybody. People said “Oh you gave to the Democrats!” Of course I did, because I’m intelligent. “You gave to the Republicans! You gave to Hillary!” … Of course I did. When I want something, I get it. I’m a bus-, I was a businessman until a few months ago! When I want something, I give here, and that’s part of the problem with our system. Until a couple months ago, I could have anything, believe me. If a Republican wants, if a Dem, I give. When I need something I call. “Hey, how ya OOH! Mister Trump, SIR, how are you? What can I do for you?” Say, “Nothing really, be at my wedding, make sure, please, okay?” Or whatever I want!

Must point out that this is the face Trump makes when he describes what people are like when they are calling and asking if His Greatness could possibly do something for them, because he is Donald (Trump!) Trump, and he gets whatever he wants, all the time, whenever he wants:

trumpgraham3

Part of the problem we have, see with me? I don’t need anybody money. [sic THROUGHOUT] Nobody has to give to me! People are sending me money anyway, I said you don’t have to bother, please! Don’t bother, don’t give me any, I don’t NEED any money. “Whatever you can do.” I’m saying to myself, “What is this guy, a beggar?” [He is back on Lindsey Graham now.] He’s like begging me to help him with “Fox & Friends.” So I say, “Okay, and I’ll mention your name.” He said, “Could you mention my name?” I said “Yes, I’ll men-.” And he gave me his number! And I found the card! I wrote the number down, I don’t know if it’s the right number, let’s try it. 202-867-5309 [not the actual number he gives].

Yes, that was the part where he gave out Graham’s phone number, because, IF YOU’RE KEEPING UP, Rick Perry is a stupid pussy, and Lindsey Graham needed help with Fox News, and he is also a stupid pussy, so here is his phone number, you should call it. Yes, in the video, he says the actual number, but we won’t type it, because #standards.

Maybe it’s an old number. 202-867-5309.

He gave it AGAIN! And then he says, “I don’t know, give it a shot!” So, of course, people have given it a shot, because that’s the maturity level of this 2016 Republican primary, thanks primarily to Donald Trump. If you want to hear what happens when you call Graham’s cell number, click here, or don’t, it’s boring.

We can’t believe we are about to say this, but we actually feel bad for Lindsey Graham and all the other Republicans in the race right now, for having to deal with this shit. Oh wait, no we don’t, this shit is hilarious, KEEP IT GOING.

[Politico via Crooks & Liars]

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  • Lascauxcaveman

    Those uo

  • Lizzietish81

    I don’t feel bad because the GOP created this monster.

  • Lizzietish81
    • bobbert

      Cannot go wrong with PMJ.

  • DanteLaboy88

    The insinuating of graham being gay is so liberal

    • FauxAntocles

      He’s stealing our schtick!

  • Mavenmaven

    It would have been funnier if it were Ashley Dupre or Sidney Leather’s number.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Why hasn’t Trump exposed the other candidates’ Ashley Madison profiles yet?

      • RoyalUglyDude

        Grindr profiles or GTFO

  • Spotts1701

    Crap, does this mean I’m on the same side as Lindsey Graham when he called Trump a “jackass”?

    • eddi

      Don’t worry. Certain things are universal constants.

    • arglebargle

      Only if you say it while waving your hand in a frenetic fashion in front of your face. And use the term “I do declare” somewhere in the statement.

  • Lazy Media

    Donald Trump is single-handledly erasing five decades of growing apathy about the American political process. Who can watch this and say that American politics is overproduced and boring? God bless you, you magnificent short-fingered vulgarian.

    • willi0000000

      see this!

  • deanbooth

    One again, Trumpelstiltskin makes comedy gold from manure-covered straw.

    • say wha

      Looking at his picture, it’s more like straw-covered manure.

      • Wee Mousie

        He is shit-stained manure covered manure.

    • Calum Grant

      His hair?

  • ArgieBargie

    Trump’s next move is to deliver a bag shit to Rick Perry’s front door and set it on fire.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      He’ll have a minion do the actual work, though.

      • HogeyeGrex

        An undocumented Mexican, no doubt.

        • Wee Mousie

          And then posts the video an underage teenager shot for him on Revenge dot com.

  • Blackest Noobs

    wonkette, time for more baby wonkette pics….this fucking jackass Trump is an embarrassment for the entire human race….we need something more uplifting, thus MORE BABY WONKETTE.

    and KITTIES!!!!! even better Baby Wonkette surrounded by kittens…PURRING LOUDLY.

    • marxalot

      Allow me to assist in cleansing the mental palate.

      • FlownOver

        Spiny Norman, is that you?

        • cogitoergodavesum

          Dinsdale? Diiiinsdale. Dinsdale!!!

  • pearlsarefuzzy

    I can’t believe how much fun this is.

    • eddi

      Only for non-Rebs. The party faithful are having nightmares of Ross Perot with a fright wig.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Now we’ll see who calls out Trump again!

    https://media0.giphy.com/media/RHiD0K65NxxLO/200_s.gif

  • thirdeblue

    If some political cartoonist doesn’t have a cartoon of Donald Trump as a bull in a china shop with adorable porcelain dolls painted up like Lindsay Graham and John McCain this time tomorrow, I’ll be mildly disappointed.

  • exinkwretch

    At this rate, by the end of the week he’ll be standing in front of a microphone guzzling from a bottle gin. Next week, he’ll whip out his dick.

    • Mary Sandoras

      Inquiring minds want to know if his dick wears a toupee also, too. This will make for great news for the GOP.

      • elviouslyqueer

        Plus, we’ll get to see if the carpet matches the drapes.

        • celtic_buddha

          Actually maybe we shouldn’t know that….*tries to purge mental image to no avail*.

        • kindness

          Do you really want to see a manscapped Donald Trump? Although it may be a great dieting technique.

        • arglebargle

          Does the Stump match the Trump?

        • Beaumarchais?

          It probably has a comb-over, too.

      • AngryKatie

        gold plated merkin?

      • Amy!

        Loyal merkins LIBEL!

    • Spotts1701

      I thought he was saving that for his next nationally-televised interview?

      • the_steamer

        You meant the debate on August 6, right?

        • Karen Anderson

          Ohhhh that is going to be one major dickfest.

    • SnarkTank

      And it’ll be YUUUUUGE.
      Ew. I just threw up in my mouth a little, just by typing that.

  • HolidayinCambodia

    Darn. I used my grindr joke yesterday!

    • Callyson

      But I missed it, and recycling is a good thing…

  • Msgr_Moment

    At this point, Trump is just doing this:

    • Dr.Zoidberg

      Beating kittens on the head?!?!

      Actually, I can believe that…

  • Joshua Norton

    People keep saying that Trump steps over the line. How can they even tell where the line is when it’s already buried under a piles of batshit?

    • Dee Andee

      When he makes Michele Bachman his V.P. choice, he’s over it.

      • SecludedCompound

        $10 says he nominates his daughter.

      • arglebargle

        Please make this happen. I was thinking my avatar is getting dated, but not sure I’m ready for a change.

        • Dee Andee

          I laugh every time I see that avatar, please keep it a little longer. :)

          • arglebargle

            As you wish. (my wife has me well trained)

      • riledupone

        Or Caribou Barbie.

  • say wha

    So, The Donald is Ms. Lindsey’s wingman?

  • Notreelyhelping

    Is it at possible that this guy is out of his fucking mind? And what difference would it make?

    • Mary Sandoras

      Aren’t they all? Just some are a little more subdued (restrained) than others.

      • Wee Mousie

        As in, the arms to their Armani suits paddle-lock in the back.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      And how would we tell?

  • elviouslyqueer

    It’s funny. I make that same exact face when I’ve been constipated for three days straight and the Metamucil finally kicks in.

    • Fly

      My dog gets that same look when he shits.

  • Esteban Rey

    He isn’t the hero we need. He’s the hero we deserve. Trump 2016!

    • LesBontemps

      That’s some seriously low self-esteem.

  • Callyson

    Jesus, how many times in a day does this jagoff have to grab the headlines?

    • elviouslyqueer

      AOT, K.

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      I was about at my breaking point with him when I realized Wait. Wait. I have not heard ONE WORD about 90% of the other candidates in this entire news cycle. I mean, I can’t even name them all. So then I started rooting for Trump, because the only thing better than a Trump pretend primary candidacy is a Trump pretend primary candidacy that shuts the whole thing down for all the other Reptilians.

      • Callyson

        Now that you mention it, I guess there is an upside to all of this. Thanks for brightening my day!

        • Wee Mousie

          Funny how a day can be both blighted and brightened at the same time by the same irritant, init?

      • You say this like it is a good thing.

        All these months that voters could be learning how batshit crazy they all are, but we only hear about Trump.

        Donald is a glorified gaffe-shield.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          Yeah, but he’s also sucking the oxygen out of the room.

        • Msgr_Moment

          Keep ’em fresh for the General Election, I’d say.

        • Left Coast Tom

          The Donald is showing voters how batshit crazy the Republican Party is.

          • Wee Mousie

            Considering that The Donald has twice the number of supporters than any other Republican candidate, Trump is also showing how batshit crazy a large body of Republican voters are too, also.

        • eddi

          We already know their problems since they opened their mouths in public frequently before the Last Trump fired up his bionic vocal cords. The actual Reb ticket will be Jeb and some teabag pacifier.

          • Zyxomma

            I disagree (respectfully, of course). Their nominee will be Snott Wanker, a/k/a Scott Walker (R-Koch Industries), IMHO.

          • eddi

            Everyone has their favorite horse(‘s ass). That is what make the race exciting.

        • OneYieldRegular

          Surely Trump’s prescribed RNC role is to dominate the headlines and keep them Republican 24/7 without allowing any light to fall on actual Republican policies.

      • Thaumaturgist

        It’s the LIBRUL media. They put their LIBRUL spin on everything and real American values can’t get through. I blame this whole Trump thing on the LIBRUL media.

        • Boscoe

          Clearly Trump has been taken out of context. Repeatedly. Damn Libulz!

          • Wee Mousie

            Er, uh, what exactly is The Donald’s context?

            Inquiring and viciously bleached minds want to know.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        There’s a guy named ¡Je! but damned if I can remember his last name.

        • Boscoe

          yessss the smokescreen of exclamation points is working just like Frank Luntz said it would…

    • Villago Delenda Est

      How many seconds are there in a day? That many.

  • DanteLaboy88

    I’m black. I want more immigrants because we are doing so well in this economy

    • SecludedCompound

      Interesting! From your Mediaite comment string: “As a white liberal, I care more about black people than Dr uncle carson”.

      SO WHICH IS IT, TROLL BOY!? ;)

      • Boscoe

        It’s the internetz, where all things are possible!

  • Ergoetal

    “If a Republican wants, if a Dem, I give. When I need something I call….”

    Thanks to Donald Trump for defining our capitalist democracy.

    • eddi

      You get what you pay for. But entertainment like this is still free.

    • SecludedCompound

      It’s kind of beautiful; our system laid out in all of its vulgarity and stupidity, by the human it was designed for. This is the end product of your system.

    • Wee Mousie

      Otherwise known as Dollar Democracy.*

      * See “Citizens United vs FEC”

  • calliecallie

    I think The Donald needs to pace himself. I don’t think he can keep up this level of crazy until November 2016. Although I’m willing to watch him try.

    • eddi

      Dim Donald has yet to dial it past 7. We are talking bottomless pit of logorrhea.

      • Amy!

        Dibs on Bottomless Pit of Logorrhea for my spoken-word performance-art troupe.

        • eddi

          Copywrong is all yours.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      The Donald’s Level of Crazy libelz!!!1,111.11.1.1111!!!1

    • SecludedCompound

      The debates are going to be amazing. Just golden. Even people on the center right are going to have to recognize this shell of a party for what it is.

  • fawkedifiknow

    If this is what around 230 years of democracy results in, I’m beginning to see the merits of the governing system in places like Iran, Cuba and Russia. Things may be shitty there, but I know for a fact they have no equivalent of Donald Trump. Or, to be fair to the distaff persuasion, Sarah Palin.

    • Lazy Media

      I dunno. Mahmoud Ahmadinejad was at least a Perot, if not quite a Trump. And Hugo Chavez was Trumpian in all ways.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Demagoguery has always been democracy’s evil twin. But at least Alcibiades wasn’t this big a clown. This may be new.

      • James Christopher Owen

        Just skimmed the Wikipedia article – thanks for the information! It’s why I love Wonkette. That, and the weapons-grade snark.

  • calliecallie

    Maybe Trump’s antics are giving SCROTUS second thoughts about Citizens United.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Nothing will ever give Thomas, Scalia and miniscalia second thoughts. Kennedy maybe and Roberts, double maybe.

      • just_jim

        Could anything give Thomas, Scalia and miniscalia first thoughts?

        • Wee Mousie

          Possibly a snapping turtle attached to their scrotum? I’m not dead certain, though.

  • marxalot

    Seriously, the Circular Firing Squad is the most entertaining thing since the Women’s World Cup.
    We can only hope that here, too, the US will win.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Somewhere, Reince Priebus sinks a little lower in his leather club chair, sobs quietly, and takes another slug from his magnum of gin.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Then Nooners comes in and bops him on the head and takes the gin.

      • dslindc

        Did she have to fire Manuel?

        • Villago Delenda Est

          No, but she knows a target of opportunity when she sees one.

          • kindness

            Just like taking gin from a baby.

  • Iron Monkey

    “As ye sow, so shall ye reap”, motherfuckers.

    • James Christopher Owen

      “For they have sown the wind, and they shall reap the whirlwind.”

      Can I get an Amen, church?

      • Wee Mousie

        And the Trump whirlwind is a T5 by anybody’s measurements.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    Oh please, oh please, oh please, oh please let The Donald run as a third-party candidate when this all comes, as it must, to an end.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The last time a Clinton ran against a Bush, the third party guy did a very good job in tossing a monkeywrench into the works.

      As it turns out, though, his supporters pretty much split right down the middle for Clinton or Bush if Perot had not been in the race.

      The Donald would not do that. He’d take all the teabangicals for himself, leaving whoever was the GOP candidate high and dry.

      • Lazy Media

        Latest poll shows Hillary’s lead over Jeb going from 6 percent to 16 percent if you throw The Donald into the mix. Unlike Perot, he has pretty much zero crossover appeal. I’m afraid he’s going to get bored and go back to trying to make cocktail waitresses two at a time.

        • Enfant Terrible

          Fredo Corleone LIBEL!!!

  • VandeGraf

    So, is Trump fronting for Gawker now?

  • Mary

    If there was ever someone in need of psychiatric intervention, it’s Donald “Cuckoo” Trump.

  • NotALiar

    So, who’s number is that up there?

    • Amy!

      Jenny’s.

      • NotALiar

        That’s embarrassing. I wasn’t paying attention at all.

  • Fly

    Shine on you crazy diamond.

  • Enfant Terrible

    Shhhh!!! Don’t let on that we love, love, love Donald Trump and what he is doing to the Republican primary. If the mouth-breathers get wind of this, his support will drop like Gollum into the Crack of Doom.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Fortunately, they’re gorged on the red meat and can’t hear a fucking thing.

    • Boscoe

      The best part is watching all the other candidates realizing what’s happening but are unable think of a way to stop it that won’t backfire with their base. The symmetry is so beautiful it brings a tear to my eye…

    • Amy!

      Heh. Actually, there are some serious RWNJ Trumpet-blowers there who insist that, because liberals are pointing and laughing pretending to be in favor of Trump, we’re secretly terrified and THEREFORE Trump should be the nominee. Quod erat derpenstrandumb.

      • James Christopher Owen

        OMG! Wingnut logic has finally collapsed in on itself and passed the Schwarzchild Radius! We are at singularity! Watch out for the derp event horizon though; it will render a brain to quarks in an instant.

        • willi0000000

          mmmmmmmm . . . quark soup.

  • HobbesEvilTwin

    reap what you sow &c.

  • Donald Trump could play a right smart Alec Baldwin on a 3 day hooker and coke bender.

    • Sharkey

      He’s making Charlie Sheen jealous!

  • motmelere

    “Hi, you’ve reached J I’m sorry that I’m unable to take your call at this time. If you’re calling about what a trump said, please don’t leave a message; Tommy Tutone never heard of that loser.”

    • kindness

      I loved Tommy Tutone. Have both their albums (yea they were vinyl then…)

  • Msgr_Moment

    You can stop right now. I call “Story of the Week”. Unless Trump outdoes himself again.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      It’s only Tuesday. He’s got four more days to go. and as we saw last Saturday, he does not slow down on the weekend!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Brrrring, brrrring, brrrrring.

    Yeyus?

    Senator Lyndsey Graham.

    Yeyus, spakin’

    Do you have Prince Albert in the can?

    As a matttah a fact, ah do,

    Then you’re a butt-fucker. Hahahahahaha! [Click]

    I’m Bart Simpson and I approved this message.

    • SecludedCompound

      Hahaha, his Foghorn Leghorn-ass accent hahaha.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        I sayh, it’s a joke sohn!

  • dslindc

    High quality train wreck. Would watch again. Four stars.

  • celtic_buddha

    This would be funny if it really didn’t make the US political system look like something from ancient Rome during Caligula’s reign. President Trump appoints a polo pony to the Senate.

    • kindness

      Doesn’t matter. The pony would still have more sense than McConnell.

      • CognizantImpiety

        Beat me to it.

    • Hopefully no one pulls a Caligula and turns Congress into a brothel. That would be the worst brothel ever.

  • BearGHAZI

    Saints alive, that rogue is NOT invited to the cotillion

  • kindness

    It has been suggested that The Donald obtained Lindsey’s phone number during an evening that included many adult beverages. One wonders if perhaps buttsecks was involved.

    • just_jim

      It would be irresponsible not to speculate.

      • Wee Mousie

        But not too much, or a mental image might arise, and that would be CATASTROPHIC!!!!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    The one nugget of truth in this latest bombastic toot is that Graham and McCain and any of the other candidates who criticize him today were willing and eager to kiss his ass to get some of his money, that sweet, sweet money, did he mention that he has money and they like him so much for his money? Also: money. They were, almost to a man and one woman, willing to overlook his rants about Mexicans because he has money and they might get some of it. Money.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I see a pattern here, but I can’t quite put my finger on it…

    • commentary42

      Good luck getting him to actually let go of any of his money. His political contributions are chump change and he hasn’t even donated to his own charity since 2006.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Ah but the hope, the sweet hope of latching onto that sweet, sweet cash! It’s like the song of the Sirens.

    • riledupone

      I $ee what you did there.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …why when I google that number, does a Grindr account comes up?!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      867-5309 is a very hot last seven digits (now that we’re on the 10 digit dialing standard), and can often be auctioned out for large piles of green. When the song first came out, those who happened to have that number often were inundated with callers asking for “Jenny” and changed the number, but others saw opportunity there, and seized it.

  • Walter Wellstone

    Ah, Ms. Lindsey is Jenny. I knew it!

    • Msgr_Moment

      All these years I looking for the right damn area code! Drats.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Not a very productive afternoon for me. Thanks, Obama.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Lindsey don’t change your number
    I need to make you mine
    Lindsey I’ll call your number
    867-5309

    • Amy!

      Ricky Santorum is sitting beside the phone, sobbing his eyes out, now.

  • What the hell is with all that gibbering and cackling and random (prerecorded sounding) applause in the background as Trump speechifies?

    It sounds like the laff track from an old Bill Cosby album.

    • CognizantImpiety

      Which we now know was an audience under the influence of roofies. Cosby put them in the water and raped the entire audience in under an hour.

  • Logic of Color

    I imagine Trump has pissed of a lot of people over the years, some of whom MUST have his personal number. This could get fun.

    • richardgrabman

      I imagine Trump uses throw-aways, like every other gangster.

  • I’ve quit watching Keeping Up With The Kardashians and started watching Fox News. More comedy, more drama, more unintelligence.

    • Wombat

      To be fair (and balanced), that’s always been the case.

      • Well played!

        • Wombat

          Well, it WAS a perfect set up…

  • TheBidenator

    Good god there is not a crack or an insult from any corner to small or any source too obscure to not give Donald Trump a red ass of butt hurt so intense it dwarfs a red giant. This man may be the most insecure, peevish human being I have ever seen…I didn’t know anyone this prickly could even exist in the outside world.

    • Beaumarchais?

      I’m not so sure—I think he doesn’t actually care what other people think about him, because obviously they’re wrong (and because he’s a sociopath).

      The point is to keep the conversation about him. They mentioned him, so he’ll amp it up and keep it all about him.

      • TheBidenator

        He’s undoubtedly a narcissist and a sociopath but I think he’s incredibly insecure which forms his tirelessly publicity seeking personality- he wants to be talked about, I totally agree. I do think he lives in such a bubble and has his head shoved so far up his arse that he really doesn’t understand what sort of a schmuck he is and gets butthurt when anyone impugns his perfection….

  • timpundit

    Best.
    Primary Race.
    EVER.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      And we’re a FULL FUCKING YEAR away from the conventions!

      • timpundit

        SWOOOOOON!

      • bluicebank

        It’s like waiting for Peak Oil to arrive.

        What’s the Vegas line on the Crazy?

        • CognizantImpiety

          1:1

  • fka_donnie_d

    Well now we know what the endgame is – his own Fox show. Interesting to see if they take him or not, and if Geraldo quits the next day.

  • JohnR

    867-5309 LOL Lindsey I got your number

  • Notreelyhelping

    So is his game plan (assuming there is one) to say some incredible shit about anyone who criticizes him? Cause you can do that only so long before you turn into the guy who stole everyone’s lunch money.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      This is where having a thick skin would come in handy, but unfortunately, The Donald does not have a thick skin. Quite the opposite, in fact. Eventually, his ability to multitask will be strained as he attempts to fight off all the anklebiters in the GOP field, and there are a lot of them. It will be like a 40 man raid of level 1 gnomes taking on Hogger in the Elwynn Forest.

      • D G

        And to think Cons were making fun of Obama supporters because he was only a “celebrity” and was “thin skinned”.

        This WHOLE thing………Just……..Yes.

      • Notreelyhelping

        The thin skin sounds like a potential “tragic flaw.” Probably not lost on strategists.

      • Frank von Winkhorst

        And then he’ll have to deal with Chris Christie’s sumo wrestling challenge. Poor Donnie.

      • riledupone

        Does have a thick head though. And are those eyebrows the spawn of whatever is resting on that thick skull?

    • glennisw

      That’s going to be one fucked-up Presidency!

      • Frank von Winkhorst

        I’m sure our friendly public servants at the CIA have a nice patsy all picked out in case of that exigency.

    • Karen Anderson

      That has always been his M.O. – long before now. Remember the Rosie O’Donnell public feud? If anyone says anything negative about him, he responds with very public bullying. Just who we want representing us in the world (and I actually thought GWB was the worst it could get).

      http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2014/09/25/rosie-odonnell-donald-trump-weight-bullying-people-view_n_5884188.html

  • D G

    *SLOW CLAP…….

  • alnnc

    He was right about one thing. Give a politician some money and you can get about anything you want passed. While the return on investment is still pretty amazing, some people now have so much money they are throwing it around just to screw people even if they lose a billion or so getting it done. Takes a special amount of hate to do that.

    • OrdinaryJoe

      I could swear he said there was a quid pro quo attached to the campaign contributions he gave in the past.

      • Beaumarchais?

        I heard that, too. It used to be a crime, once.

        • Biel_ze_Bubba

          Now it’s “speech”.

      • bobbert

        Funny, that.

  • alwayspunkindrublic

    A bigot, a narcissist, a vulgarian, and a tragic comb-over walk into a bar…

    • Mehmeisterjr

      …and he says to the bartender, “Where’s the crapper? I want to write Lindsay Graham’s phone number in the stalls.”

  • Jan Ness

    There are some who think he’s a plant…can’t say for whom but they got underwear in Yooooge bunches over it!

    • SK

      If he is a plant, then conservatives are dumber than shit. To fall for it.

    • Frank von Winkhorst

      What kind of plant? A potted one?

    • riledupone

      And there are some who think he has the I.Q. of a plant.

  • Ilgattomorte

    Lindsey Graham is in his room at the rundown Coste Verde Hotel. He has spent the night battling his demons of flesh and alcohol and he thinks to himself, “I am at the end of my rope, just like that poor iguana the cabana boys keep tied up outside”. Suddenly his cell phone rings!

    “Do you have Prince Albert in a can?” the voice on the other end asks. “I did, many years ago”, he replies. “Then let him out”, the voice says before hanging up. His phone rings again and a man says, “Is your refrigerator running?”. Lindsey hangs up. Over and over the phone rings. “How many Senators can you get up John McCain’s butt?” then, “Is Dick there?” “Dick who?” “Dick Hertz!”. It’s enough to drive him mad, until finally on the other end he hears, “DONALD TRUMP 2016!”, and he knows.

    He runs from his room to the bathroom down the hall, to calm himself. He enters the stall and hums a tune in his head which begins to calm his spirit. Feeling better, he starts to tap his foot in rhythm to the tune running through his mind and he is soothed. Unfortunately, the 3 cabana boys in the stall next door mistake Lindsey’s foot tapping as an unwelcome advance and poor Lindsey is killed and eaten.

    THE END

    • Boscoe

      For some reason this post reminded me how much I miss the Peggy Noonan articles. :(

      • Ilgattomorte

        Me too. Unfortunately I’m no where near as good as Gary and I only do Lindsey in bad Tennessee Williams plays.

    • elviouslyqueer

      NEEDS MOAR INSANE LIZ TAYLOR!

      • Ilgattomorte

        Normally I’d agree with you, but this is Lindsey … I mean, with a woman? Maybe it needs a touch of depressed Lawrence Harvey.

      • Comrade Wingtardd 5467p

        Ava Gardner …

    • Frank von Winkhorst

      You stole that from William Burroughs, didn’t you? Shame on you. ;-)

  • Joshua Norton

    So does this mean that Lindsey will need a new Grindr account?

    • SK

      Nope, he’ll just have to hang around those bars more often.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Kinda off-topic, but the media are picking up on the Jeb! swiftboating hypocrisy.
    http://www.cnn.com/2015/07/20/politics/jeb-bush-swift-boat-veterans/

    What a glorious afternoon to be alive!

    • Boscoe

      That’s kind of been happening a LOT lately… I’m getting spoiled.

  • I was watching some exit interviews with some of Trump’s supporters leaving his event today and a comment several of them made was about has anyone ever actually seeeenJohn McCain’s service record that proooves he was ever actually a surrender monkey captured “hero”, HMMMMMMMM?

    So the ‘swiftboating’ of McCain can now begin for reals.

    • Boscoe

      The joke here being their implications that they’d even believe the service record was real if someone rolled it into a tube and shoved it up their kazoo.

      • As predicted, this gem just showed up on my Facebook page feed, which I admit I use mainly to keep up with what shenanigans my now batshit crazy relatives and school chums are up to. It’s not really news, but I imagine this is the direction this McCain thing will now go.

        Worst thing: NO FUNNY BLINGEE PICTURES!

        http://www.wnd.com/2015/07/mccain-and-the-pow-cover-up/

        • riledupone

          I just glanced at the comments (yeah, they allow comments) and one of them referenced a war movie starring Gene Hackman. Realy.

    • glennisw

      Cool. Let them swiftboat McCain, the guy who isn’t even running. They’re brilliant.

    • CognizantImpiety

      Well, you can seeeeee McCain crash his plane onto the deck of an aircraft carrier. I think that counts as a “service record”.

    • Frank von Winkhorst

      Oh noes! Next they’ll want to see his long form birth certificate thingy proving he wasn’t born in Com-MYU-nist Vietnam.

    • Karen Anderson

      Newsflash: McCain’s not in this race.

  • LesBontemps

    Huh, he told me his number was Beechwood 4-5789.

  • Gorillionaire

    I wish Wonkette would allow comments because this shit is on fire today.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Too late now.

  • OrdinaryJoe

    As my momma always said, “sleep with a dog you will get his fleas.” GOP now has a raging case of Trumplice.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Trumplice! Good one! They nest in, what hair again?

  • Mintie

    I got two paragraphs in and had to stop to untangle my brain. I feel better now, so diving back in.

  • Anarchy Pony

    I hope it isn’t a number that belongs to some other poor schlub.

    • Celtic_Gnome

      The Ohio Secretary of State’s office once sent out a form letter to all domestic nonprofit corporations about a change in reporting requirements. They included the office 800 number for anyone with questions. Despite numerous proofreaders, they missed that two of the numbers had been transposed, which was the number for a funeral home in Winnipeg. The funeral home had to change its number, and the Secretary of State’s office had to pay for all the charges they racked up on that number.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        After the 1989 LA earthquake, a meat products wholesaler sent out notices to all his customers that he was still in business and included his business phone number my home phone number. To make it worse, most of his customers seemed to have small food stores in ethnic neighborhoods. They spoke in bafflingly incomprehensible foreign accents and could not understand my responses.

        I was unable to contact him because the best phone number I had for him was my own and, as I was finally able to determine from his customers, he did not list a street address.

        I was fending off meat orders for years.

        • Frank von Winkhorst

          You should have taken the orders on condition they send the money in cash,

          • Mehmeisterjr

            I might have tried that ploy if they could have understood a word I was saying and vice versa.

        • gedjcj

          My cell number previously belonged to some fly-by-night contractor who was in the habit of giving estimates, showing up and accepting half-payment up front, working for about an hour then leaving “to get supplies”. He would then immediately cash the check and never be heard from again. I felt bad for his victims but some of the voicemails were really quite creative.

  • glennisw

    Screenshot is awesome. Sphincter-mouth.

  • Anarchy Pony

    I really hope the repubs start eating each other.

    • cousin itt

      Sarah Palin goes down on Michele Bachmann?

      • Anarchy Pony

        No, with forks and knives and comically oversized cooking pots.

  • Pugsandcoffee

    2 things:
    1.Our Lady of South Carolina actually had a great Twitter response to this.
    2. I don’t know who originally said it, but someone said Trump is like what would happen if an internet comment section ran for President. So fucking true.

    • CripesAmighty

      (Raises hand) A Breitbart comment section, to be precise. You’re welcome.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Thank Sky Personage that Comments are not allowed in Wonkette!

    • anniegetyerfun

      What was the Twitter response? I don’t see anything.

      • Pugsandcoffee

        I saw it on Vox, but it was something like, “so I am getting a new phone. Samsung or iPhone?” Something to that effect.

  • bluicebank

    Trump has stepped one too many tokes over the line (sweet Jesus). Because how, oh Lord, could anyone make the rest of the GOP candidates look only halfway brain-damaged in comparison?

    No one!

    And then along came this guy.

    Really, Jon Stewart, you chose this time to retire?

    • Wombat

      A decision I’m sure he’s regretting.

      • dshwa

        Letterman said something similar about learning that Trump was actually running.

  • Rick Hill

    This guy is the gop front runner? Do you want the world to become alcoholic? Because that’s how you turn the world to alcoholism.

    • Razor’s Edge

      Come to Colorado…we have a much healthier way to alter your reality.

  • Joshua Norton

    First John McCain, now Lindsey Graham. Trump can make ANYBODY seem like the good guy.

    • Except Trump.

    • malsperanza

      Say, you know who else looks like a good guy compared to Trump?

      • The Grinch?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Jar Jar Binks?

        • Lord-Nash

          Come on, the guy isn’t THAT bad.

      • richardgrabman

        Lex Luthor?

      • CripesAmighty

        CLANG! (Edit by Godwin)

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Dead Breitbart?

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Snidely Whiplash?

      • proudgrampa

        Darth Vader?

      • anniegetyerfun

        Well, not Hitler, but there is still time.

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Remember the Simpsons episode where they go to Italy and Homer makes grandiose gestures off the hotel balcony towards the square below? Lisa tells him it’s rude to “do” Mussolini in Italy and Homer replies, in a hurt voice, “Ohhh, I thought I was doing Donald Trump.”

        • Frank von Winkhorst

          Does Trump own property in southern Argentina? I hear that’s where all the Nazis escaped to.

          • Blank Ron

            You mean ‘national socialists,’ don’t you?

  • Wombat

    This morning’s debate in the Wombat household: Donald Trump, mentally ill or on drugs?

    In other news, LIndsey Graham’s FB status right now: “Hey, y’all, some ravening dickweasel gave out my phone number to America, so inbox me if you need to get in touch until I get a new one.”

    • Mr Corrections

      “Mentally ill or on drugs” – those aren’t mutually exclusive, you have to allow for the possibility of both being true. In fact, that seems like the most likely scenario to me.

      • James Christopher Owen

        “Drug-induced psychosis” is the term you’re looking for.

        • Mr Corrections

          Indeed. Thanks for the clarification there!

          • James Christopher Owen

            I’m just here to snark help.

        • Frank von Winkhorst

          Hair dye induced insanity.

      • Wombat

        Interestingly, we did arrive at that conclusion.

      • Frank von Winkhorst

        Or a paid Democratic stooge. Not that I give the Democratic party all that much credit, but it’s a nice fantasy to hold in one’s mind.

        • Mr Corrections

          Man, one of the things I am looking forward to in the next few months is the Trump-is-a-secret-Democrat paranoids clashing with the McCain-never-really-a-POW mouthbreathers. Both those groups already exist, and – because crazy is contagious – they’ll only get bigger heading towards the election.

          This is the endpoint of birtherism, and it is delicious.

        • nmmagyar

          If Hillary wasn’t the candidate I’d agree with you that the Dems would never think of this.. But.she.isn’t.fucking.losing.twice!!!

    • First one, then the other.

    • cynmac

      Hey!

  • Wee Mousie

    This is what happens when you have a imbecilic id and a flaccid superego. The only portion of The Donald’s personality which is functional is his ego, and that is YOOOOOGE!!

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Between the GOP’s dumbass base, and the dumbass candidates coming out of the woodwork to try and round up the dumbass vote, the GOP campaign is utterly and completely fucked. I half expect Jeb! to throw up his hands and say he wants nothing to do with it.

    I’m off to Costco to pick up a pallet of popcorn.

    • James Christopher Owen

      I’ll leave the DVR running while you’re gone…

      :)

  • James Christopher Owen

    Donald Trump: Burning Bridges and Roasting Weenies Over the Flames

  • The part that really bothers me is that this was a planned stunt. Trump wasn’t just talking out of his ass, he or his advisors carefully planned out that crappy stunt. Trump is operating at the level of a morning shock-jock radio show. We are being treated to the Fuckface von Buttplug in the morning show.

  • Fly

    I am hoping the republican debate turns into a reality show where all the republican candidates are auditioning for Trump’s vice president.

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      I’d rather see a cage match, myself.

      • nmmagyar

        Weave pulling or I’m turning it off

    • Karen Anderson

      Bet it gets the highest ratings of any such debate EVER — for which The Donald will immediately take full credit.

  • malsperanza

    There’s no longer any doubt: Trump is the GOP’s Mrs. Pentherby, Official Quarreller. http://haytom.us/excepting-mrs-pentherby/

    • Frank von Winkhorst

      This guy has to be a Democratic plant from the John Lindsay branch of the GOP.

  • James Christopher Owen

    As I was glancing over the transcripts, it struck me that The Donald almost makes Vanilla from Wasilla look articulate.

    • KGHofSF

      So Very True Indeed. Trump / Palin 2016. Are You Ready!

      • Frank von Winkhorst

        No, Trump/Trump 2016. “I don’t need no stinkin’ VP!”

        • I’m pulling for Andrew Card.

          Trump/Card 2016

      • Comrade Wingtardd 5467p

        Truly a dream ticket

      • NorthStarSpanx
    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Can I get French AND Ranch on my word salad?

    • Frank von Winkhorst

      Perhaps Lindsay should get the NSA to release Trump’s phone number.

    • ButchWagstaff

      “almost”

  • Barley_Brains

    867-5309

    • Legion32

      The ageless number. Dear god it’s old though

  • Mehmeisterjr

    All this talk of popcorn reminds me of some classic telephone-related movies:

    Sorry, Wrong Bumbler

    Dial L for Lindsey

    Any others?

    • Enfant Terrible

      Don’t Answer the Phone, obvs.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        I guess there is the breaking bad prequel “Better Call Rand Paul.”

  • Bobwurst

    So tRump is upset because Lindsey called him a jackass so to prove he’s not a jackass he tells the world what Lindsey’s phone number is? tRump needs to google “jackass”. He might be surprised…

    • Celtic_Gnome

      Wait. It’s a movie, right?

    • Karen Anderson

      A picture of the Donald will be appearing in the definition of Jackass soon, I suspect.

      noun

      1. a male donkey.

      2. a contemptibly foolish or stupid person; dolt; blockhead; ass, i.e., Donald Trump.

  • Querolous

    Me an oldz. I would have used 234-5789 or 736-5000.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    Lily Tomlin needs to get Ernestine in on this.

  • tinywriting

    If you neeeed a little lovin’ call on me!
    If you neeeed a little kissin’ call on me!

    6 3 4 – 5 7 8 9 !!!

    Thas’ mah number!

    Wait, that’s MY number!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Clear out your damn voicemail!!

  • lurch394

    I had no idea Lindsey’s alter ego was named “Jenny.”

    • He decided to go for a more masculine name.

  • sillyclucker

    Trump seems kind of thin-skinned. Lindsey was only saying what others are too afraid to say (this seems to be the most common response of people stating what they like about Trump) .

  • ryp

    “We’ve traced the call…it’s coming from inside The Party!”

    • Comrade Wingtardd 5467p

      Lindsey .. go hide in the shed!! err, no … uh .. the closet!

  • dshwa

    The republican primary: Making the circus part of bread and circuses look tame by comparison.

  • dshwa

    {munches popcorn}

  • Legion32

    Just watched a CNN reporter interviewing people at Trumps’s speech in South Carolina from earlier today and two of the attendees summed up this clowns entire support group:
    CNN: “Are you here to support Donald Trump?”
    Supporter #1: “Oh no! He scares me…”
    CNN: “Then why are you here?”
    Supporter #1: “He’s a celebrity.” (Kid you not)
    CNN to Supporter #2: “Do you support Donald Trump?”
    Supporter #2: ” Kind of, blah,blah,blah. I like that he makes quick decisions although it does get him into trouble.”
    CNN: “Then why do you support him?”
    Supporter #2: “Because there is still time…”

    FFS

  • Msgr_Moment

    Trump’s just out pimping his latest book:
    To Serve the GOP

    Spoiler alert:

  • Jen_Baker_VA

    Soooo….will the teajadists now start sporting yellow flags that read “Don’t Trump on me?”
    Maybe with a Monty Python foot squishing the neck of a dead snake?

  • Comrade Wingtardd 5467p

    I actually watched a Trump speech last night. It’s more an unfunny comedy routine than anything; it wasn’t a “speech” by any stretch. A comedy routine delivered by a shock jock Jamie Dimon.

    • NorthStarSpanx

      His stream of consciousness is as frightening and even perhaps maybe parallel to Sarah Palin also too there.

  • Msgr_Moment

    Campaign Mrrch!

  • Ryan Denniston

    “I think Rick Perry is probably smarter than Lindsey Graham, but what do I know?”

    Don’t let the glasses fool you, Rick is a Republican.

  • Zyxomma

    The Trump Insult Generator at Mother Jones is a lot more fun than the one at Time: http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2015/07/donald-trump-insult-generator

    especially if you type in Sarah Palin instead of your own name.

    • marxalot

      I used the Donald himself as my test case. 100% worth it, would click again.

      Stupid Donald Trump, an irrelevant clown, has zero cred. What the hell were you thinking when you married loser Russell Brand. THE UNITED STATES HAS ENOUGH PROBLEMS!

  • riledupone

    MoJo has a new Trump insult generator. You enter a name and you get a personalised tRump insult. Here’s the screenshot for mine. Should you wish to be similarly blessed, the link is http://www.motherjones.com/politics/2015/07/donald-trump-insult-generator?tmp=5&0=13&1=3&2=0&3=0&4=21&5=3&6=5&7=2&8=0

  • Lord-Nash

    Again, that number is: 0118 999 881 999 119 725….3

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Donald, you know you’re not supposed to tell people that you’ve been buying politicians, right? Bad for business.

  • WagMoreBarkLess

    He must have been reading off a teleprompter, right? Because nobody can be that eloquent otherwise.

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