You know how Republican primary voters are looking for a serious candidate? One with a record of governance, popularity within his own state (sorry, Carly, but these are not vag voters, they want a his), and even a moderate position or two, like on expanding Medicaid through Obamacare? No, of course not, because Republicans love Donald Trump the most right now. True story.
Which means now is the perfect time for John Kasich to dive head first into the shallow end of the piss-colored pool of Republican presidential contenders. Wait, John who? K-A-S-I-C-H. He is, as we have mentioned before, “the colorless blob of wheat germ currently serving as governor of Ohio.” Ohio, for those of you living in the parts of America that do not have enough maps everywhere like such as, is an important swing state, which we’re thinking is the main reason Kasich is running. Because when the actual nominee has to choose his sacrificial lamb running mate, Kasich can wave his hands in the air and say, “Me! Pick me! I can deliver Ohio!” The state’s two-term governor happens to be pretty popular with Ohioans, with a 60 percent approval rating, although most of America has no idea who he is and doesn’t really care. And neither do we, really, but here, we will do some journalism at you, so you know who the 16th also-ran in the race is, until he drops out, and then you’re free to forget all about him again.
- Kasich says he has a “hot wife” who stays “at home doing the laundry,” like a good little woman should. RIP, patriarchy. Also, Kasich’s lady voters.
- Kasich thinks Californians are “wackadoodles,” which is tough but fair, but also hilarious. Buh bye, California voters! Also, he does a great impersonation of someone with Parkinson’s disease, which is also hilarious. If you are A Asshole.
- Kasich likes diversity a whole lot. Yay, GOP outreach! That’s why he appointed some coincidentally black Jesus freak college sportsball star, who didn’t have a college degree or even apply for the job, to the State Board of Education. For “some diversification.”
- Kasich, like any good Republican, hates Obamacare and wants to repeal every single word of it and replace it with the same words, except the “Obama word.” Which didn’t stop him from expanding Medicaid to the poors in his state, like some kind of freedom-hating socialist. But, like all Republican governors who’ve agreed to accept Obamacare dollars for their states, he insists it’s not really Obamacare. Wink.
- One time, when he was governor, Kasich signed this bill putting a gag rule on the state’s rape crisis counselors, so they cannot tell rape victims things like, “Oh, you do not have to have your rapist’s baby if you don’t wanna, there’s this one weird trick for that, and it is ABORTION.” Why? Because Kasich is a real good Jesus guy, he even thought about being a priest once upon a time, and also too “pro-life.” He explained all that to the editorial board of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, which promptly disappeared the video because of how it makes Kasich look like a jerk. But we found the video anyway, and watched it, and wrote it up for you, in case you’re interested. But basically, Kasich is a jerk, and he is better at rape counseling than actual rape counselors, because blah blah unborned babies YAWN.
- If you have nothing better to do with your money, or maybe you are A Idiot and you think John “Who?” Kasich is The Guy, you can buy some of his crap, at his interweb store. It is ugly and looks like this, and no, we don’t know why his genius graphics designer decided three wavy lines — not two, not four — was the key to Kasich’s victory:
During Kasich’s announcement speech on Tuesday, he said he loves his wife a lot, and his kids, and drugs are bad and are washing away our communities and maybe even our kids. Bye, kids! He also asked the audience if it remembers reading about the Civil War. Maybe a Civil War textbook in every pot? Also, ask you grandfather and your dad about the Depression, that was bad too. Guess he wants to be the history teacher in chief? Anyway, he said a lot more words, like how we should keep our “eyes on the horizon, about the future,” so we don’t get sea sick maybe? Also, he knew Ronald Reagan. Seriously! “Yeah, I actually knew the guy! The real guy!” Ooooh. Ahhhh.
Whatever, he is super BORING, and is polling at just over 1 percent, and he is not going to be in the GOP debates, and he is not going to be president, and let’s face it, you don’t care, and neither do we, but now you know everything you need to know about the guy anyway. Feel free to forget it.