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How many votes you getting, buddy?

You know how Republican primary voters are looking for a serious candidate? One with a record of governance, popularity within his own state (sorry, Carly, but these are not vag voters, they want a his), and even a moderate position or two, like on expanding Medicaid through Obamacare? No, of course not, because Republicans love Donald Trump the most right now. True story.

Which means now is the perfect time for John Kasich to dive head first into the shallow end of the piss-colored pool of Republican presidential contenders. Wait, John who? K-A-S-I-C-H. He is, as we have mentioned before, “the colorless blob of wheat germ currently serving as governor of Ohio.” Ohio, for those of you living in the parts of America that do not have enough maps everywhere like such as, is an important swing state, which we’re thinking is the main reason Kasich is running. Because when the actual nominee has to choose his sacrificial lamb running mate, Kasich can wave his hands in the air and say, “Me! Pick me! I can deliver Ohio!” The state’s two-term governor happens to be pretty popular with Ohioans, with a 60 percent approval rating, although most of America has no idea who he is and doesn’t really care. And neither do we, really, but here, we will do some journalism at you, so you know who the 16th also-ran in the race is, until he drops out, and then you’re free to forget all about him again.

  • Kasich says he has a “hot wife” who stays “at home doing the laundry,” like a good little woman should. RIP, patriarchy. Also, Kasich’s lady voters.
  • Kasich thinks Californians are “wackadoodles,” which is tough but fair, but also hilarious. Buh bye, California voters! Also, he does a great impersonation of someone with Parkinson’s disease, which is also hilarious. If you are A Asshole.
  • Kasich likes diversity a whole lot. Yay, GOP outreach! That’s why he appointed some coincidentally black Jesus freak college sportsball star, who didn’t have a college degree or even apply for the job, to the State Board of Education. For “some diversification.”
  • Kasich, like any good Republican, hates Obamacare and wants to repeal every single word of it and replace it with the same words, except the “Obama word.” Which didn’t stop him from expanding Medicaid to the poors in his state, like some kind of freedom-hating socialist. But, like all Republican governors who’ve agreed to accept Obamacare dollars for their states, he insists it’s not really Obamacare. Wink.
  • One time, when he was governor, Kasich signed this bill putting a gag rule on the state’s rape crisis counselors, so they cannot tell rape victims things like, “Oh, you do not have to have your rapist’s baby if you don’t wanna, there’s this one weird trick for that, and it is ABORTION.” Why? Because Kasich is a real good Jesus guy, he even thought about being a priest once upon a time, and also too “pro-life.” He explained all that to the editorial board of the Cleveland Plain Dealer, which promptly disappeared the video because of how it makes Kasich look like a jerk. But we found the video anyway, and watched it, and wrote it up for you, in case you’re interested. But basically, Kasich is a jerk, and he is better at rape counseling than actual rape counselors, because blah blah unborned babies YAWN.
  • If you have nothing better to do with your money, or maybe you are A Idiot and you think John “Who?” Kasich is The Guy, you can buy some of his crap, at his interweb store. It is ugly and looks like this, and no, we don’t know why his genius graphics designer decided three wavy lines — not two, not four — was the key to Kasich’s victory:Who kares?

During Kasich’s announcement speech on Tuesday, he said he loves his wife a lot, and his kids, and drugs are bad and are washing away our communities and maybe even our kids. Bye, kids! He also asked the audience if it remembers reading about the Civil War. Maybe a Civil War textbook in every pot? Also, ask you grandfather and your dad about the Depression, that was bad too. Guess he wants to be the history teacher in chief? Anyway, he said a lot more words, like how we should keep our “eyes on the horizon, about the future,” so we don’t get sea sick maybe? Also, he knew Ronald Reagan. Seriously! “Yeah, I actually knew the guy! The real guy!” Ooooh. Ahhhh.

Whatever, he is super BORING, and is polling at just over 1 percent, and he is not going to be in the GOP debates, and he is not going to be president, and let’s face it, you don’t care, and neither do we, but now you know everything you need to know about the guy anyway. Feel free to forget it.

[NBC News]

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  • exinkwretch

    David Letterman has filed a copyright infringement lawsuit against Kasich for stealing his hair. But he’s still an extremely distant second to Trump in the “most fucked up hair” category among the GOP contenders.

  • Lazy Media

    That’s some logo there, K-Flag (everyone is required to call him by his rap name of K-Flag, now and forever).

    • LarryHoudini

      I like it because it points back to the past.
      Simpler times, people!

    • marxalot

      I thought it was K-Bacon, you know, like K-Money, but what you use money for.

  • Sharkey

    Vote for America’s Best K-Hole!

  • schmannity

    Kasich For Us or Kasich F.U. for short

  • Beowoof14

    Running for president has become a money make scam.

  • Sharkey

    Is he … hitting a joint in that pic?

    • Lazy Media

      I think he’s playing the world’s tiniest violin for some pregnant rape victims.

    • OneYieldRegular

      My first thought exactly. “Day-um, this is some good wackadoodle weed.”

  • calliecallie

    Three wavy lines. KKKasich for President!

  • Callyson
    • Vecciojohn

      She’s been laughing uncontrollably like that ever since that latest poll came out.

  • JohnBull

    THAT’S what was missing from this race: an asshole who hates poor people.

    • Blank Ron

      What a bold way of differentiating himself from the rest of the pack!

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    OK, now that I know who he is, I think I got it but just in case… who is he I wasn’t paying attention.

    • Lazy Media

      He’s Scott Walker as an adult.

      • weejee

        Kasich is round at both ends and high in the middle.

        • Msgr_Moment

  • BearGHAZI

    He’s a dumdum but he’s not, you know, a colossus of stupid. He’ll go nowhere.

  • LarryHoudini

    I don’t know, Pawlenty isn’t any worse than the others.
    Sorry—I meant Kasich.

    • Anarchy Pony

      Are they like those aliens from Doctor Who that everyone forgets the moment they look away?

    • marxalot

      You mean this isn’t Lieberman?

      • Spotts1701

        If you squint though the bottom of your third beer glass, sure.

    • Tallmutha

      He may not be Pawlenty, but he’s pawlenty stupid..

      • Doug Langley

        Oh, I’ve got Pawlenty of nuthin’, and nuthin’s Pawlenty for me . . .

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Kasich: Because every stimulant needs an antidote. But seriously, I’m sure John is a nice guy and all and probably smarter than the average Republican candidate in the field, but I’m just not sure I want him to corner me at a backyard BBQ to talk about the weather and have a beer with me while I stare blankly off into space.

  • elviouslyqueer

    He should do well with the boring uncle who says stupid, embarrassing shit at the Thanksgiving dinner table demographic.

  • Hemp Dogbane

    The three wavy lines are suggesting we should see three K’s on the logo, but he’s too moderate for that sort of thing, but if you’re embarrassed by Trump you should come on over to Kasich. A triumph of graphic design that is the sort of subtle triumph you would get if Kasich was in the White House (and not just visiting RR), in case you’re embarrassed by the kind of triumph Trump would bring.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      The Donald is pushing for a “Triumph of the Will” sort of triumph.

    • Antimassacree

      K to the Third

  • weejee

    Another goat jumps into the pool

    • schmannity

      I always wondered what happened to Dave Schultz after he retired from the Flyers.

    • LarryHoudini

      With the same amount of splash.

    • Hardly Ideal

      Nailed… it?

  • Spotts1701

    Pasty, pudgy, middle-aged Republican model #47810 joins the race. If you don’t like this one, another’ll be rolling off the assembly line anytime now.

  • JMPesq

    “Also, ask you grandfather and your dad about the Depression, that was bad too.”

    Um, I may be old but I’m not elderly – my dad, who actually is elderly, wasn’t born until well after FDR had ended the Depression! How am I supposed to ask him about it?

    • schmannity

      Wait, this isn’t the 1970s? Where does the time go?

      • JMPesq

        There’s not even many people left alive today who can remember the Depression, who you can ask about it – in my family, there’s technically my one grandmother, but she thinks it is the 1930s again most of the time these days. It’s in the midst passing out of living memory now – which Kacish somehow seems to fail to realize. Yeah, I learned a lot about the Depression growing up from people who lived through it – but almost all of those people are dead now.

        • Villago Delenda Est

          And very few of them would draw the same conclusions from it that the GOP does today.

        • Biff52

          I have just two friends left from that era, and one of those doesn’t remember it. Or much of anything else, sadly.

      • PubOption

        Sandy Denny wasn’t sure, either. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5sNPorNyME0

    • Thaumaturgist

      Please! Reagan ended the depression.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        Reagan won the Cold War, WWII, WWI, the Spanish-American War, the Indian Wars, the War of Northern Aggression, the Mexican War, the War of 1812, the Revolutionary War, and the War of Jenkin’s Ear. He also personally escorted the Archangel Gabriel as he delivered the Constitution on stone tablets to the Founders.

        • Doug Langley

          And then he broke for lunch.

        • david green

          And we know all of that is the truth because intrepid reporter Bill O’Reilly was there to report it.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Bring out some more bungee cords, boys. That double-wide isn’t going to tow itself.

  • ManchuCandidate

    His last name sounds like a cereal. Not in a “Koo koo for CoCo Puffs” or “Trix are for kidz” way. More like the unpleasant cardboard like Grape Nuts or All Bran which cause massive colon blow.

    • Michael Smith

      I miss Phil Hartman

  • Latverian Diplomat

    A friendly note from the people at that syllable conservation society.

    Dear politicos,

    Please do not use “diversification” where “diversity” would work just as well. Let’s leave “diversification” as just an investment strategy.

    Shorter words. They can’t keep Republicans from mispeaking, but they can reduce the amount of time we have to spend listening to them.

  • stevola

    Three wavy lines. To four thou shalt not count, neither shalt thou count to two, except in passing to get to three. Five, is right out.

  • Joshua Norton

    How amusing. Dude could probably get ALL the votes. If you totally ignore the fact that right now, in a race with Clinton-Bush-Trump, Hillary wins by 18

  • SheriffRoscoe

    Remember the scene from “The Birdcage” when Gene Hackman is telling the story of the drive from Virginia to Miami? Great scene. And, well, I think I know who gave old Gene the inspiration.

    • Michael Smith

      classic

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Vaguely Familiar Name 2016!

  • Olav_Pompatus

    K-K-K-Kasich, beautiful Kasich,
    You’re the only g-g-g-guv that I adore …

    • artem1s

      best use of that awful tune ever :-)

  • goonemeritus

    He will need to fight George Pataki for the
    2% of Republican primary voters that aren’t barking mad.

  • Joshua Norton

    Great logo. You can tell what a ‘hip and with it’ person he is. I didn’t know Photoshop ran on a 1983 commodore

  • Latverian Diplomat

    60% approval? Really, Ohio? Are you just not paying attention?

    • artem1s

      yes

  • stevola

    Isn’t every registered Republican already running?

    • jmk

      Not every one. My brother isn’t running yet…which is good news for me and my dad, since, if bro does run and get traction, he’ll be hiring hit men to take us out so we don’t spoil his pure conservative narrative with our dirty librulizm.

      • Good_Gawd_Yall

        Either you’re my sister, or my mom didn’t tell me about you and you’re my long-lost other brother!

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Yawn. This guy is about as exciting as watching paint dry. He’ll get no traction next to “death to Mezkins!” The Donald, who is appealing heavily to the offal that is the GOP base.

  • Tallmutha

    Let’s talk about something else now.

    • marxalot

      I’ve been working on a vocabulary randomizer to generate word strings that replace my usual curse words with non-vulgar derogatory terms.

      • 24601

        Is there an app for that?

  • I watched his “I’m not ever never gonna be president. Ever.” speech.

    I was very impressed with his brain spraining stream of consciousness buzzy Xaxby’s word zalad of a speech. I don’t know what the hell he was saying but he managed to reference his dad ‘Mailmail John’, sweet flood victims, unemployed seniors, The Great Depression, his mom’s temper, etc. all in one bloviated breath.

    • Biff52

      And reagan. Lots of reagan.

  • shastakoala

    The three wavy lines must represent his political settings.

  • Esteban Rey

    He will probably do well at the Fox Kids table debate, which no one will watch because they will be watching the PRIME TIME Trump Debate Extravaganza brought to you by Trump Industries.

    • jmk

      Held in the Trump Forum at the beeeeyoooooooteeful Trump International Hotel?

  • 24601

    I tried to click on some of those Kasich links, but my hand kept falling asleep.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …if Gonnoreah decided to run for the republican nomination it would get more than 1% of the vote!

    • Mavenmaven

      *clap clap*

      • Dee Andee

        You guys Win the Internets today!

    • Msgr_Moment

      Running for President is a siphylisean task.

      • Blank Ron

        Okay, you really had to reach for that one.

  • deanbooth

    He has a balanced approach: Lower income taxes (for the rich) were made up for by raising the sales tax (for the poors). The 10,000 families in Ohio who would have had to pay estate taxes love him, also, too.

    • Dee Andee

      They love to do that. Here in SD, every damn thing is sales taxed, including food.

  • data_ninja

    Kasich plays to the pro-choice crowd (vehemently). And recently, one of this buddies who was caught lying about charter school scores resigned. And the most recent budget plan, in preparation for the RNC convention in Cleveland 2016, bars will be able to stay open until 4am. Okay, maybe that last thing isn’t so bad, since we’re all going to need a drink anyways.

    • artem1s

      their gonna have to drain Erie and fill it with booze at this rate

  • Vecciojohn

    Jesus, this guy must be neck and neck with George Pataki on Karl Rove’s list of people to back if Heb! doesn’t make it.

  • arglebargle

    I bet he could knock Trump down a (k)notch or two in the polls if he added one more K to that logo.

  • 24601
    • Dee Andee

      Dude comes up for air, spluttering, “Hey! This pool is just LOADED with turds!”

  • geoffalnutt

    They’re having real trouble coming up with logos now – ones that aren’t so funny they make you spit out your gin – or so wrong that they could have something to do with fast food, highway repair…or the alimentary canal. Repigs+art = FAIL…and ha, ha, ha!!!

  • Joshua Norton

    we don’t know why his genius graphics designer decided three wavy lines — not two, not four — was the key to Kasich’s victory

    Here’s the original version:

    • Antimassacree

      Walker’s logo also has three stripes (plus the two in between). Guess both campaigns didn’t want the rabid didelphimorph base to have to take off a shoe to count higher than ten.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Three degrees of Kasich bacon?

    • Msgr_Moment

      Oddly enough, it didn’t do as well with the focus groups as the original version: three-K’s and one bacon.

    • Biff52

      That’s the symbol for Kosher bacon.

  • Lizzietish81

    The Kellogg people will not be happy about this.

    • say wha

      Not So Special K.

  • proudgrampa

    It occurred to me that this could be a strategy to broker the Republican convention. Kasich becomes a “favorite son” candidate and delivers his delegates to the nominee for favors and whatnot.
    Or, he could be just another fucking stupid Republican candidate.

    • artem1s

      He wants to go back to his cushy job at Faux News as Lehman Brothers bit the dust. He’s nearly run thru all the lucre he and his pal Noe stole during coingate and needs to up his speaking fees.

  • dslindc

    Who? Maybe if he tries gluing a ferret to his head?

  • I don’t know where they polled to get 60 approval for this idiot. Maybe his dining room table, and the church he goes to? He is killing our state, and I can only hope something will convince him to stop running, since we’ve been gerrymandered to pieces. :/

    • Msgr_Moment

      He is killing our state

      The Klown Kar is where the shitty GOPvernors wind up.

    • artem1s

      Geauga and Hamilton counties? i imagine option D is ‘who?’ and that gets counted as a favorable vote? or possibly when the pollster mentions King John, they think the question is about LeBron?

  • say wha

    One Line to rule them all, One Line to find them,
    One Line to bring them all and in the darkness bind them

  • UnsaltedSinner

    “Won’t someone please pick me as their VP? I’ll just sit quietly at the back, I promise!”

  • I think I’ve figured out Wheatbran Kasich’s logo!

    After careful analysis I can reveal It proves he is a secret worshiper in the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

    Notice how the logo’s K reaches out to caress FOR US with His Blessed Noodley Appendages. The Flying Spaghetti Monster is FOR US! ANOINT MY BROW WITH YOUR HOLY INK SAC!

    And of course: WAKE UP, SQIDPLE!

    • proudgrampa

      Ramen!

    • Barley_Brains

      Needs roar meatballs.

  • Michael Smith

    His logo looks like the hot air coming out of a bathroom hand dryer in the helpful diagram.

    • Pull lever, receive bacon! As far as campaign strategies go, you could a lot worse, I suppose.

      • Doug Langley

        Wanna see bad campaign strategies? You really do? OK, but don’t say I didn’t warn you . . .

        https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=24K2dH3iQ7M

        • Amy!

          Ah. It’s actually an explanation of his logo. There, on top, is a stack of burning paper, the tax code, falling into the woodchipper intake, between ‘A’ and ‘N’. But ‘RAND’ is also rendered as a chainsaw bar (missing its chain). A brilliant mishmash of Rand-om symbols to establish a bRand-ing strategy for that stRand of the electorate that can imagine nothing better than this erRand boy.

  • FauxAntocles

    ‘k

    • PubOption

      KKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK

      Remember the Brazilians.

  • OneYieldRegular

    Well okay, but he can’t officially be running until he he provides his own nuanced view of Donald Trump’s comments about John McCain.

    • JD Mulvey

      Every time Trump says something stupid, we have to wade through 15 mealy-mouthed tweets of “reactions” from the other “candidates.”

      • Lidane

        Just wait until the debates when we’ll have to listen to Trump repeatedly insult everyone and 9 mealy mouthed reactions each time, but on live TV.

        I don’t plan on watching those debates sober. Alcohol will make everything funnier.

        • cessnadriver

          Trumpie will be long gone by debate time. Next July the repigs will claim to have forgotten he was ever a candidate.

        • Karen Marie

          I have a 1973 botrytis I will be drinking to wash down my bittersweet chocolate popcorn for the first debate. I cannot wait!

        • jw

          I can’t wait and I’m still trying to figure out exactly how it’s going to work. Are all the candidates going to get to answer every question? How long will they have? If each candidate gets 3 minutes, it’s going to take 30 minutes to answer one question! And think of the answers from the first to the last as they try to out-crazy the candidates who’ve answered before them. It’s going to be awesome – I’ll have to pace myself with the drinking games!

        • JD Mulvey

          I’d get all blotto too, except I’m on the west coast, so the broadcast will likely be at some ludicrous afternoon hour like they always do. Does everybody on the east coast have to be in beddy by 8pm? Wtf?

          I will, however, get me a big old pile of that legal weed, so I really can’t complain.

  • Rick Hill

    Nothing witty to say but a whole lot of fuck this guy.

  • Bitter Scribe

    Feel free to forget what?

  • georgiaburning

    I think the logo means “cold-water rinse” in German

  • mardam422


    Ohio, for those of you living in the parts of America that do not have enough maps everywhere like such as….
    I love that my Wonkette remembered!!!1

  • mardam422

    Does that “K” mean that he struck out swinging?

    • Biff52

      Kosher? Kosher bacon?

    • vivian

      It’s a prompt, as in: “Oh, K” a phrase typically uttered in disappointment when Kasich enters a room.

  • FrenchFriar

    To paraphrase Henny Youngman: Take our governor. Please.

  • isthisrob

    I don’t see why we wouldn’t vote for Kasich. The man is offering us three bacon strips, after all.

    • Me not sure

      The fat stripes in bacon are not blue. Trust me I know about pork. If pork is blue you shouldn’t eat it…… or smell it.

      • isthisrob

        No worries – he’ll get rid of the FDA so it’s all good, baby!

  • Land Shark

    Nice of him to put the Koch Election Kommittee™ logo above his name like that.

  • whitroth

    Hey, Wonkette, you missed at least one k3wl item about him: he was bragging on his re-election about having cracked down on them malingerers, and refunded whole lots of money to employers… after he had government lawyers go into workman’s comp cases and deny all claims.

    Why, yes, I do have a friend in OH who was injured twice on a previous job, and whose claims were fought tooth and nail for years, and now they’re being denied because “it’s been so long, and something should have been done sooner”.

    I kid you not. Boring, *vile* scum.

    mark

    • Biff52

      Ahnuld tried a similar tactic in CA. I got rounded up in it, but my lawyer was better than their lawyer. Thankfully.

  • Beaumarchais?

    Internet zen: a story I’ve already forgotten on a site that doesn’t allow comments.

  • Hardly Ideal

    “Whackadoodle??” I resemble that remark!

    • david green

      I’ve been saying that we Californians are going to have to step up our game. We almost never get top billing ahead of Arizona, Florida or Texas.

  • Ravini

    I have to say I’m impressed with his logo. I had no idea he was such a big supporter of bacon.?

  • Capt.Jim

    We folks from Ohio think he is an asshole on a major level so dont be fooled by the 60 % approval rating that was just amongst republicans only.He is another of these fuck the poors type of guys what was handed his ass when he tried the right to work nonsense here he is a Walker lite so movbe along nothing to see here

    • Roabe

      I don’t know a whole lot of people up here (Cleveland and north shore counties) who actually like Kasich. Maybe because he’s pretty much ignored us from day one and instead has been giving the Republican-leaning counties in the south and central parts of the state preferential treatment.

      • Capt.Jim

        we from the southeast are not helped at all of course Stickland carried these counties and for that we have been set back 20 years in forms of roads and education.The bastard had a friend with a paving company that tarred and chipped our major state roads at a cost above concrete and they fell apart in less than 6 months

  • Pugsandcoffee

    He’s like tvp, but without the texture.

  • Mr Corrections

    This guy is definitely angling for the veep slot, although quite why you’d want to be the deputy loser on a losing campaign is beyond me.

    • Kat Anyperson

      Money.

  • Biff52

    “Three shall be the number thou shalt count…”

    • unionthuggery

      Thank you brother Maynard

      • Lord-Nash

        Five, is RIGHT OUT!

  • Querolous

    In logic three stacked straight lines indicates equivalence. The tilde (wavy line) means “not”. So, since the equation has a K on one side and nothing on the other side, I can only conclude that Kasich is not equivalent to nothing. Not exactly a ringing endorsement of himself.

  • davescottsc

    Pretty much nailed it. You missed his vow to balance federal budgets while he keeps funding Expanded Medicaid and buys 100 new warships. All courtesy of the Greater Efficiency Fairy. Not to mention his novel approach to addressing climate change — gut renewable energy standards and ban wind power. But as you do get right, in addition to being a fraud, he’s a goofbag.

  • Alex Grey

    Please stay in Ohio…

  • Ryan Denniston

    First thing I thought of when I saw the logo and the wavy lines.

  • Lord-Nash

    K-Bacon.

  • Blank Ron

    Kaili? I think you forgot to actually write an article here. I see a headline, and the not-allowed comments, but I don’t recall anything in between.

  • mickrussom

    This guy is a PUKE. Kasich. A loser trying to sink the GOP for Hillary. And his “moderate” crud is a joke.

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