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The threat is real.

Ever since June 26, the day which will live in infamy, when the Supreme Court gave America the right gay throatcramming she deserved, wingnuts have been observed in various states of utter, pants-shitting meltdown. And much of it, against the backdrop of the death of the Confederate flag, has centered on the gay rainbow, and how it is lynching the good American Christians, and how the White House did a 9/11 to the world when it was lit up in rainbow colors. Truly we are living in tragic days.

One of the wingnuts who issued a giant wet clarion fart about how the rainbow flag is a symbol of terrorism, Holocausts, and oppression was John Nolte of Dead Breitbart, who, as we have scientifically established, is dumber than a knapsack full of syphilitic fucks, and he’s quite distressed to report that the rainbow flag has claimed more victims. Five victims, specifically, four Marines and a Navy man, in Chattanooga. Yep, the gays did it:

Did the gay rainbow flag provoke Muhammad Youssef Abdulazeez, the 24 year-old naturalized American citizen born in Kuwait who murdered four Marines and a Sailor Thursday, to commit his heinous crime?

He’s just asking, and the answer is no, you fucking sebaceous cyst.

Abdulazeez, who was shot and killed by police Thursday, was a devout Muslim. And one thing we know about devout Muslims is that many vehemently oppose same sex marriage and consider homosexuality a sin.

Still nope.

Just last month, a mad dog racist murdered nine innocent people in a South Carolina church. For weeks, the mainstream media blamed a flag — for weeks the media coordinated a shaming campaign against what many see as a symbol of hate and oppression.

Actually no, the media did not “blame a flag” for those murders, they blamed Dylann Roof, the Confederate-inspired racist who murdered those people, and this also led to a greater discussion of the role of the Confederate flag in Southern society. But good try with the news analysis thing!

The gay rainbow flag is seen by many Christians as a symbol of hate and oppression — and for good reason. Under that banner, there has been an all-out assault by the media and the Left against our religious freedoms. […]

Moreover, the defiant act of flying of the gay rainbow flag, especially in the wake of the Supreme Court’s ruling that legalized same sex marriage in all 50 states, is undoubtedly offensive to devout Muslims, and therefore provocative.

Wait a minute, we are confused, because we haven’t heard about devout Muslims crying like pussies about how the gay rainbow flag is oppressing them, so what the hell does that have to do with a crazed Muslim murdering Marines? Wouldn’t Nolte’s argument make more sense if one of Breitbart’s commenters were released from adult daycare without a chaperone and went and murdered people because of the rainbow flag? Wouldn’t that at least make it seem like Nolte is TRYING to string thoughts together like a good writer, as opposed to being a wingnut welfare pity hire?

Under that banner, on the same day of the Chattanooga terror attack, a Jewish man was physically threatened in person and on social media by Inside Edition’s Zoey Tur, a man who identifies as a woman.

Haha, you mean this thing? About how a “Jewish man” — AKA never-nude pussy boy Ben Shapiro, who may or may not be Nolte’s “work wife,” ALLEGEDLY — was made to look like the tiny, crying baby he actually is, on national television, by a transgender journalist? Well, hate to break it to ya, but that didn’t happen because Shapiro is Jewish! That happened because Shapiro is a pants-shitting anger-bear who likes to talk big, but is, in reality, just a little boy who gets his Pull-Ups in a piss-soaked bunch when his minuscule worldview is threatened. As we have noted, Tur should not have let her anger get the better of her, but that doesn’t mean the whole thing doesn’t make us LOL.

Bring this bitch in for a landing, Nolte:

It is time to shame and marginalize the gay rainbow flag — this offensive, provocative symbol of hate and oppression must be tossed on the ash bin of history…

Before it kills again.

Can’t. Stop. Laughing. Write more columns, John Nolte, you make yr Wonkette’s work easy.

[Dead Breitbart via Queerty / image credit: Matthew Inman, The Oatmeal]

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  • Ryan Denniston

    “Did the gay rainbow flag provoke Muhammad Youssef Abdulazeez”

    Party of personal responsibility my ass.

  • ManchuCandidate

    Oooooh edgy! It’s the kind of sad attempt at humor that got the Faux Newz version of the Daily Show cancelled in 6 months.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    “Abdulazeez, who was shot and killed by police Thursday, was a devout Muslim. And one thing we know about devout Muslims is that many vehemently oppose same sex marriage and consider homosexuality a sin.

    …yeah a devout Muslim that got popped for a DUI the month prior and whose parents described as having a drug addiction. But I guess to the right they are all the same!!!

    • ManchuCandidate

      If it weren’t for the foreigny name then he could have been mistaken for a Palin.

      • kindness

        Pshaw. Palin has a much better view of Russia from her back porch.

    • Esteban Rey

      I’m not sure it’s allowed to separate the words “devout” and “muslim.”

    • Mehmeisterjr

      A drug addiction, eh? Didn’t dead Breitbart have a powdery problem himself?

      • Villago Delenda Est

        We’re fairly certain he had a liquid problem

  • Lot_49

    Blame the flag, blame the shooter, the important thing is that we don’t blame the guns.

    • Sharkey

      Is it okay to blame Obama?

      • Viva La Tabula Raza

        Blaming Obama is the starting and ending point, everything in between is just cherries on the sundae.

        • kindness

          You didn’t get the memo. eh? Now it’s all Hillary.

  • Spotts1701

    That was so close to coherence, John.

  • Michael Smith

    But on Facebook I saw that it was actually Obama’s fault that the Chattanooga shooting happened. This is because he won’t say that the Chattanooga attack was the fault of Islam. If he says that, the Chattanooga attack will then not happen.

    Remember the main lesson of Chattanooga is “You can’t negotiate with Islams, they only respond to nukes.”

    Also, its gun control’s fault. I saw on Facebook that “armed citizens” are now standing guard outside of Army recruitment centers “all across the nation” to “protect” the recruiters who “aren’t allowed to protect themselves,” because they are unarmed while they are recruiting.

    Good, maybe this will discourage people from going into the recruitment places.

    • You know who else blamed his country’s problems on homosexuals and members of a certain religion?

      • richardgrabman

        Robert Mugabe?

  • willi0000000

    i can’t imagine how they could make any less sense over at dead breitbart . . . but i’m certain that they will surpass even that monumental pile of shit by tomorrow.

    [ or later this morning ]

  • elviouslyqueer

    If you’re going to leave behind such a ginormous turd, John, the least you could do is attempt a courtesy flush.

    • Antimassacree

      He works for #2!

  • Esteban Rey

    Hey he is borrowing D’Nesh’s old argument. That was back when D’Nesh wrote a book blaming 9/11 on the queers for provoking Al-Qaeda. Someone should play him the tape of Colbert teasing the shit out of D’Nesh for making very bad arguments.

  • Nounverb911

    Isn’t this the official flag of the dead Breitbart’s anyway?

    • elviouslyqueer

  • Callyson
  • thirdeblue

    Some day very soon, our mullahs and their mullahs are going to realize that they have a lot more in common than they have differences. Then we’ll have some damned Interfaith Alliances all screaming in unison about how blacks and gays and Jews and liberals will/are bringing about Ragnarok.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Don’t forget that commie Pope!

  • marxalot

    Again, I just have to say: damn it feels good to be a gangsta. The knowledge that my existence so thoroughly confounds, oppresses, and erases hemlock stumps like this guy just makes me feel all warm inside.

    • Barbara Delaney

      So you think deep, can’t sleep and don’t run fast?

      • marxalot

        All of those things, actually, yes! I keep telling people that’s why I don’t run for shit.

        • kindness

          Yes but I bet you would run from some things.

          Bears.
          Zombies.
          Lindsey Graham.

  • Bureaucrap

    I’m confused. If cowardly Christians are ascribing homophobic motivations to the attackers, doesn’t that mean they are really secretly hoping that violent (putatively) homophobic Muslims will do the Christians’ dirty work for them? In that case, shouldn’t they be egging these guys on? “Guys, we told you to attack the Gay Bar, not the Marine Base. For Christ’s sake, pay attention!!!”

    • Seems of a piece with god’s notoriously bad aim: “I am Mad About A Thing that is somewhere else, so I’ll just attack this place/person nearby – but that other thing over there is totally to blame!”

      • mtn_philosoph

        “Hey, what do ya want? I’m a busy guy. It was close enough!”

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …just a little correction:

    -Dyla Roof didn’t shoot and kill nine people because he disagreed with the Confederate flag, but because he AGREED 100% with the confederate flag. So until gays start massacring people in the name of a rainbow flag, please shut the fuck up!!!

    • Wait – I thought he did it because of THE WAR ON JESUS.

    • goonemeritus

      But my gay friends make fun of my penton for wearing cargo
      shorts on the weekend so I can see his point.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Oh you and your nuanced arguments.

  • Tallmutha
  • OT RIGHT NOW: John Kasich is giving his “I’m not gonna ever be president” campaign speech. Now, I don’t know Kasich from a buttered buckeye and I reckon he’s not such a bad egg as far as Republican presidential candidates go, but he’s giving what I’d call a brilliant “stream of consciousness” speech.

    I can’t exactly follow what the Sam Hill he’s talking about but he definitely has covered lots of topics diverse and unrelated topics in about one minute.

    • Gorillionaire

      Kasich was previously cock punched here at Wonkette for dodging a straight up question about abortions with a weirdo non-answer in front of a camera and everything.

  • Beowoof14

    I get the Brietbart email every day and I have noticed that reading comprehension isn’t a strong suit of the writers and presumably the readers of their “information”.

    • JohnR

      They still get to and do vote, more’s the pity.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    It’s Breitbart. Of course it makes no sense if you have more than three working syanpses.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Giant Wet Clarion Fart is the name of my new garage band.

  • calliecallie

    So we’re going to start using gay rainbow flags as head scarves? I’m confused.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I think it’s part of the movement to remove Oscar Wilde’s grave from Memphis, Tennessee.

      • PubOption

        Has the commemorative plaque been taking of the Reading PA jail?

        • Mehmeisterjr

          Fun fact: It was going to be “The Ballad of Googlersville Gaol” but the typesetter was short a capital g.

  • Grokenstein

    Shorter Nolte: “It’s the Homocaust!! …What?”

  • Greg Fuderer

    “you fucking sebaceous cyst”
    hey, leave limbaugh out of this

    • Mr. Nolte, I’ve seen a sebaceous cyst.
      I had one removed from my back this one time.
      You sir, are no sebaceous cyst.

      (I did get a cool scar that looks like I got shot in the back, though!)

      • marxalot

        My beloved Dummy Dog has a sebaceous cyst on her back. It bet it’s smarter and better looking than this twist wit.

  • JohnR

    “One of the wingnuts who issued a giant wet clarion fart” Can I just say this is why no one pays me to write stuff.

    • Biff52

      Giant wet clarion fart=Trump.

  • Sharkey

    You will never look at a rainbow in the same way again.

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    The Lucky Charms leprechaun has a lot to answer for.

  • cleanfront

    The GayGayGay do wear fabulous hoods.

  • MrBlobfish

    Do all Noltes have brain damage?

  • Steven M. Harries

    Best Movie Ever:

    Insane Orson “Orgone” Bean’s Insane Son-in-Law:”Rapists! Rapists!”
    [Keels over. Dies on the streets of a Spanish-named city; roaches run for their lives.]

    What? It’s true? No shit?

  • Greg Fuderer

    “For weeks, the mainstream media blamed a flag” held by the confessed racist murderer dylan roof.
    “gay rainbow flag” not held by abdulazeez “is seen by many Christians” who hate and want to oppress LGBTers “as a symbol of hate and oppression”

  • freakishlystrong

    So if OUR Tealiban hates the gays and THEIR Taliban hates the gays, shouldn’t this heal all that divisiveness that wingnuts always whinge about that is of course is blamed on Obama? Or something?

  • Anarchy Pony

    “giant wet clarion fart” Hey! I’m eating here!

    • Dee Andee

      NEVER eat whilst reading the Wonkette. Ever. *snicker*

  • elviouslyqueer

    Such big butch words coming from someone who’s one teensy Grindr slip-up away from becoming a Gawker headline.

    • Querolous

      The Ashley Madison hack dump is going to be very interesting.

  • Greg Fuderer

    guns don’t kill people, rainbow flags do.

    • Viva La Tabula Raza

      “Stop me before I kill again!”
      —Sentient rainbow flag

  • el_donaldo

    The gay rainbow flag is seen by many Christians as a symbol of hate and oppression — and for good reason. Under that banner, there has been an all-out assault by the media and the Left against our religious freedoms. […]

    Moreover, the defiant act of flying of the gay rainbow flag, especially in the wake of the Supreme Court’s ruling that legalized same sex marriage in all 50 states, is undoubtedly offensive to devout Muslims, and therefore provocative.

    Hmm. Rainbow flag oppresses religious freedoms, and somebody who finds it provocative will murder soldiers.

    I think Nolte is saying that HE killed those Marines.

    • PubOption

      There is a finite supply of freedoms, so if they get some we must lose some.

    • There’s a reason he’s attacking a flag and not the killer.

  • Barbara Delaney

    Sarah’s jumping on board the flagship, she’s including this act of pure evil “and today actually raised the flag of a communist nation in the halls of our US State Department!” She told her bots that the dirty, filthy, commie flag in question was that of Cuba. She urged them “send a message” to the evil inhabitant of the White House. But of course she wants you to send that message through Sarah-PAC and include your email address.

    If it costs twenty bucks per person to stop Planned Parenthood, and fifteen dollars to stop the Iranian nuclear agreement, how much will it cost to stop the rainbow and remove the Commie rag?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I’m guessing $25.

    • LesBontemps

      Just $10 a month that you can have automatically charged to your credit card, and if you call now you’ll receive a free tote-bag (emblazoned with “McCain-Palin 2008”).

    • PubOption

      I assume that the awful, commie flags of China and Vietnam have flown for years in the State Department.

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    I missed the original story, been out of pocket. But I take it from this guy’s “column” that the marines and the sailor were gay?

    • Sharkey

      Motive mystery, solved!

    • glennisw

      So Conservatives and Muslims have something in common – hatred of gay people?

    • What I got from his argument is that gay-hating religious conservatives literally can’t control their murderous impulses.

  • His shooting rampage is the fault of teh ghey!

    It’s the only explanation, Robin! Aside from disillusionment combined with the usual mix of depression over life’s circumstances, mental illness, narcissism, rage, and easy access to guns that seems to motivate all of the other isolated incidents. No. It must be teh ghey!

    • dshwa

      Actual analysis of motives is hard. Stupid analysis (blame the rainbows!) is easy.

  • ArgieBargie

    For being such tough Conservative alpha-males, Breitards sure are a bunch of whinny pussies.

    • onedrewthree

      What’s hilarious is all the the commentators saying their going to go kill/castrate Tur…. for “threatening” a man with violence. Woooooosh!

      • amindofitsown

        It’s only considered “violence” if it’s against another conservative. If it’s against someone not conservative or not in lockstep with their beliefs, well, that’s just their First ‘Mendment rights.

      • Castrate? I.e. free SRS? She may be happy with that.

  • m3bosha

    Hey, cut the guy some slack! It took some serious doing to twist his logic into that thought pretzel.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Mmmm, pretzels.

    • I think his logic pretzel is definitive proof of 11-dimensional string theory. There’s no way only three dimensions could hold it.

  • goonemeritus

    It is clear even in death Breitbart hates us for our freedoms. The only way to stop “dead-enders” at Breitbart blog is for good people with a blog to say enough is enough and drive them into the sea with snark.

    • minidriver

      and sharks. That way they can provide the labor for the shark-free oceans they want.

  • Reddishrabbit

    I’m guessing he was against the prophet drawing BS, because why provoke people? Maybe we should smash some icons. I suspect it is only provoking if he agrees with them.

  • JMPesq

    “a man who identifies as a woman.”

    What the fuck is these people’s complete inability to not be total bigoted assholes? No, a trans woman is a woman, not “a man who identifies as a woman”, you oppressive shit.

    • PubOption

      They won’t walk that far out to the wild side.

    • Esteban Rey

      It’s a point of pride to go out of your way to be a prick to people.

    • Lord-Nash

      It’s almost like there’s a pattern. The groups hated may be different (blahs, immigrants, socialists, hippies, interracial couples, Muslims, women, GLBTs) but the people who hate are ALWAYS the same. Social Conservatives.

    • nmmagyar

      He seems nice

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    Does this mean we have to fly rainbow flags at half mast?

  • glennisw

    Wait – because conservatives hate The Gay and want to oppress gay couples by not letting them marry, the gay rainbow flag is a symbol of hatred and oppression? I think that’s how it works. Kind of like the way Barak Obama is a divisive man because conservatives hate him.

  • FauxAntocles

    We’ve sure come a long way now that military recruitment offices are flying the rainbow flag.
    Wait, what?

  • Randy Riddle

    Obviously, a false gay flag operation.

  • Grokenstein

    I just discovered an unfilmed script online yesterday. Can’t tell if it’s legitimate or some lunatic fanwork, but it purports to be Omen IV: Armageddon by Stanley Mann, adapted from one of the craptacular paperbacks that kept the wheels creaking on the original franchise a little longer after 1981’s The Final Conflict.

    It is the usual Omen garbage, with a cast of characters lined up to briefly push the ‘plot’ along before dying in some gruesome, gimmicky fashion to keep the audience awake. Their slayer is The Boy, sheltered son of Damien Thorn and his unfortunate romantic interest in The Final Conflict, now seventeen and having skipped Damien’s own two-movie coming-of-age splatter-drama, and possessed of his father/grandfather’s selective omnipotence and ability to make stuff fall over. (He also triggers an off-screen nuclear war between Israel and the PLO, because this was back in the ’80s.)

    The ultimate failing of the script is that The Boy is supposed to be charming and angelic–when not snapping people’s spines with his teeth–but persistently comes off as a greasy, petulant, whiny, and deeply misogynist ugly little man-baby. And while I was reading it last night (okay, skipping through it) I kept thinking, “Aside from the physically-fit aspect, the Virgin Ben would be PERFECT in this.”

    he stares with the unseeing eyes of the mentally dead

    PERFECT.

  • RWNJs really have a hard-on for some kind of gay-Muslim throwdown.

  • Mavenmaven

    Little Ben Shapiro and Big Tomi Lahren are going to send B52s into Tennessee and bomb all the gays!!!!

    • minidriver

      They would probably screw that up and send The B52s into Tennessee for a concert. Love Shack, Baby!

  • Antimassacree

    I thought The Donald’s equating failing to attack those who criticize his hair and those attacking veterans was a new low in false equivalency, but this attempt at Rainbow Flag = Traitor/Racist Battle Flag is making me reconsider.

  • VandeGraf

    Too bad about Breitbart. Never has anyone owed so much for so little. To bad he’s gone. Maybe he could pay up.

  • dslindc

    *sigh*

    Yes John, as I have said before, we (teh gheys) are that powerful and you should be very afraid. In fact, we have so much power that our rainbow flag will literally holocaust you into a corner and turn you into a newt.

    • Thaumaturgist

      But if you (teh gheys) can turn John into a Newt, can you (teh gheys) turn Newt’s sugar daddies into maybe John’s sugar daddies and bring John back to life the way they kept bringing Newt back to life every four (4) years? As in McCain 2016?

  • UnsaltedSinner

    Persecution Envy. There is no known cure.

  • Land Shark

    Wow, I wish my job was that easy Evan ….

  • 3FingerPete

    The afterlife has taught Breitbart nothing.

  • BearGHAZI

    NEEEDZ… BRAAAIINNS

    • Biff52

      That applied both before and after death, though.

  • jmk

    Wait… how can “flying the gay rainbow flag” be a “defiant act” if it’s done “in the wake of the Supreme Court’s ruling that legalized same sex marriage in all 50 states”?

    Or am I just being silly, thinking that logic should apply here?

  • OneYieldRegular

    No time to comment – busy burning my Beatles records because they provoked Charles Manson.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Turn me on, dead Breitbart.

  • Bitter Scribe

    “My flag is racist? No, YOUR flag is racist!”

    That’s almost as good as “You say God doesn’t exist? No, YOU don’t exist!” line from that doofus that Jessica (Jenna? Jessa? Jabba?) Duggar was touting before she had to spend all of her time explaining that her brother fingering her was no big deal.

  • 19th Amendment

    Son of a seabiscuit! If you have to bend logic that hard to conjure up a persecution then ::psst!:: you’re not being persecuted.

  • mardam422

    This is like those connect the dots books I “used to” play with. If only I had the insight and ability to connect those dots in my mind …like John “Don’t call me Nick” Nolte…I’d know that the dots on the page with the Rainbow Flag on one side and the idiot who shot and killed those Marines on the other make a picture of Uncle Sam being throatcrammed by a giant Gay Penis.

    It’s all so easy once you know what to look for. If only I knew….if only I knew.

  • Esteban Rey

    “never-nude pussy boy Ben Shapiro, who may or may not be Nolte’s “work wife,” ALLEGEDLY”

    My very favorite thing about Evan’s writing are his allegedlies.

  • cessnadriver

    At least Breitbart proved one thing in death:

    Mossad now knows how to poison rentboy semen.

  • Gristle McThornbody

    Oh, what the fuckity hell is this dimbulb going on about? Were the military personnel all wearing rainbow colored uniforms? Were they putting on a musical and all cross-dressed or in drag?

    Dear shit fer brains – you can’t equate a racist-piece-of-shit-confederate-flag-humper killing 9 black people to a devout Muslim killing 5 military personnel and blame it on the gays. The Muslim would have needed to target gay people, you imbecile. Jesus Christ, grow up and quit using tragedy to further your stupid, regressive, backwards, hateful world view.

    • TheBidenator

      It’s not that smart, he’s doing symbolism as his central argument but you’re right the man is a syphilitic baboon polyp and what pisses me off most of all is he uses Al Bundy as his avatar….

  • Relativicus

    While Nolte doesn’t overtly say he supports what Abdulazeez did, Nolte does come as close to saying he understands why Abdulazeez might have done what he did without actually saying so. That’s how far gone these folks are.

  • TheBidenator

    I’ll break down the entire column in two sentences: HURR, HURR I’ll try turn around everything you said about the Confederate flag by applying it el ghey’s rainbow flags and oppressed bigots and blame them shootin’s on that flag. That’ll show you liberals, HURR HURR HURR!
    Predictable a-holes….

  • House0fTheBlueLights

    The preschools of America are in on the conspiracy. Rainbows ev erywhere, just sayin’

  • ZeroNewbury

    Hey, I had a sebaceous cyst, and I violently… okay, agree with the comparison.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    That fucking Dorothy! She’s the one who starting this!

  • Alex Grey

    Jesus Henry Christ, the stupid, it hurts!

  • Ranina

    Thanks to vigilant scribes such as Nolte, I am now aware of the danger of rainbows!
    I scoured the interwebs and discovered these special glasses that will obscure any rainbow, anywhere it appears – even in the sky! Just 3 easy payments of $19.95 a month (plus shipping & handling).
    Visit Breitbart.con for details. Or sarahpalinchannel.con. Or huckabeescams.con

  • Lord-Nash

    “And one thing we know about devout Muslims is that many vehemently oppose same sex marriage and consider homosexuality a sin.”

    Well shit, substitute “conservatives” for “Muslims” and you still have a true sentence don’t you?

  • jli1

    Well I’m a conservative. Guess how many shits all the conservatives I know and I collectively give about gay marriage.

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