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The Ululating Dead

Oh, lookie here, it’s Texans being paranoid again, only this time it’s not about Jade Helm 15, chemtrails, or gay wedding registries at the Mega-Lo Mart. A bunch of nice folks in North Texas are jes’ powerful afeared that if a Muslim congregation gets permission to build a new cemetery, the next thing you know, there’ll be mosques, madrassas, and fellers walking around in 10-gallon keffiyehs all over the place.

The Muslim Corpse Panic (which would be a decent name for a band) is taking place in Farmersville, Texas, a mere 25 miles away from Garland, where those two guys from Arizona tried to attack the stupid Draw Mohammed Contest. It’s not unlike a similar outbreak in Tennessee in 2014, in which many Concerned Christians had themselves a fine hissy over the addition of a small graveyard to the Islamic Center of Murfreesboro. As we noted at the time:

Opposition to the cemetery had nothing to do with bigotry or Islamophobia, no no no — people are just worried that since Muslim burials don’t use caskets, vaults, or embalming, those dead Muslim bodies might poison the city’s drinking water. So this is not about their filthy alien religion; it is only about the threat posed to public health by their filthy alien religious practices.

And wouldn’t you know it, the good people — that is to say, the non-Muslims — of Farmersville are also worried about the sanitary implications of putting bodies six feet under without proper Christian hygienic preparations. Oh, and also, they’re just plain more honest about how they are scared to death that once you start allowing dead Muslims in their county, then live ones will follow, what with all the Sharia Law, the Holy War, and the shawarma restaurants.

“The concern for us is the radical element of Islam,” David J. Meeks, pastor of Bethlehem Baptist Church, told The Dallas Morning News. He said he thinks the cemetery would be the first step toward a broader Muslim expansion in town.

“How can we stop a mosque or madrassa training center from going in there?” he asked, referring to a type of Islamic school.

Well, shoot, Preacher, if you’re allowed to fill innocent children’s heads with dangerous nonsense like Leviticus, or the genocidal bits in Deuteronomy and Joshua, we aren’t so sure you have any grounds to complain.

Angry residents packed a recent meeting to consider Islamic Association of Collin County’s request to develop 35 acres as a cemetery, which would include such offenses to Texas Jebus as “an open-air pavilion and small retail component that would run along a busy highway through town.” Farmersville already has been tainted by such exotic institutions as a “Buddhist center and Mormon church,” but apparently holes in the ground with ex-Muslims in them was simply more than the populace could bear.

Some wise souls, who have clearly been studying up on Radical Islam on the Internet, feared that those crazy Muslims might just be leaving bodies willy-nilly all over the place, like they do back in Muslimland:

“When somebody dies, they bury them at that time,” Farmersville resident Troy Gosnell told KTVT-TV. “You don’t know whether they were shot, diseased or anything else. All they do is wrap them in a sheet, throw them in the grave and bury them.”

And then, for all he knows, they throw in a live Christian baby, too, plus an offering of camel dung.

A spokesman for the Islamic Association, Khalil Abdur-Rashid, explained, possibly with his eyes rolling in frustration, that no, actually, “shrouded bodies would be placed in caskets and entombed in vaults underground,” and also there were no plans for a mosque down there underground either, not that it will reassure any of the locals, because look at that guy’s funny foreign name, and we all know that Muslims are required to lie to fool the infidels, it’s just part of their religion, according to the Internet.

“There’s just a basic concern or distrust about the cemetery coming into town,” said Mayor Joe Helmberger, who calls the townspeople’s worries unwarranted.

He said the cemetery would be approved as long as the town’s development standards are met, pointing out that the U.S. was founded on religious freedom and that the association is simply trying to secure a burial site.

We have a sinking feeling that Mayor Helmberger’s calm, rational understanding of religious freedom is probably going to be an issue come election time, since he is clearly a dangerous radical, or at least has been fooled by Sharia creeping all over him.

CBS DFW reported earlier in the week that locals had a perfectly brilliant plan to put an end to the cemetery plans, however:

Residents have organized and some are making threats to keep it from being approved. Some are threatening to dump pigs blood and put pigs heads on a post so Muslims won’t buy the land.

It looks like either they didn’t Carrie out that operation, or that the Islamic Association wasn’t quite so easy to frighten with a Lord of the Flies reenactment. The AP reports that the purchase of the land has been completed, according to Alia Salem, the executive director of the Council on American-Islamic Relations’ Dallas-Fort Worth chapter. Maybe they could hand a conch shell to the locals as a peace offering.

[HuffPo / CBS DFW via BuzzFeed]

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  • Lizzietish81

    Oh no, bodies just in the ground are far more dangerous than pumping corpses full of chemicals and putting them in ground.

  • JoeChristmas

    Question. Do muslim jihad zombies fast during ramadan?
    Asking for a friend.

    • Duckbudder

      Dining on brains in Texas would be a fast 24/7/365.

      • JoeChristmas

        Dude, I did not see that one.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    …so Jade Helm was just a distraction from the governments true plans!!!

    • weejee

      Nothing up this sleeve thobe.

    • Ryan Denniston

      Nope. This is not the real plan, this is just a smokescreen. The real plan will be revealed any day now (in our newsletter for the low cost of $79.99 per year, annually).

  • Randy Riddle

    Remind me to surround myself with Muslims so these individuals will come nowhere near my front door.

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      There is a mosque about 4 blocks fom my house, and a Buddhist temple about 3 blocks the other direction. I haven’t seen a Jehovah’s witness in years. I do buy Christmas candles from the boys at Jesuit High School.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        So, the secret to keeping Jehova’s Witnesses away is to live near a mosque or a Buddhist temple? If you toss in a synagogue, does that work to keep the Mormons away too?

        • Riley Whodat Venable

          Well, there is a Lutheran church about a block from the mosque, and a Catholic church across the street from the Buddhists. Come to think of it, I haven’t seen any Mormons in a while. Our closest Jewish temple is about 3 miles away.

          • willi0000000

            can i buy your rock?

          • Sharkey

            …but everybody prefers the one by the strip club.

          • bobbert

            Near the zoo.

          • Riley Whodat Venable

            Of course. But we attend on different days. No pork on the buffet on Fridays or Saturdays.

    • Michael Smith

      I’d like to make a black and white spoof of a 1950’s era B-horror movie, in which our hero moves to a new town only to find that it is populated by insane Wingnuts who won’t shut up and bother him all the time with their inane gripes. In his desperation, he consults a “witch doctor” (the secretly liberal town librarian), who tells him to carry a Koran around to keep the Wingnuts away.

  • weejee

    ♪ Bury me derp on the lone prairie
    Where intolerance howls with Confederate flags to see
    And close minds, surrounding me —
    Bury me derp on the lone prairie ♪

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Talk about stupid. These people should be preparing for Jade Helm 15 and being herded into FEMA camps. These poor rednecks never keep up with current events.

  • Indiepalin

    But seriously, is there anything worse than a Muslim Zombie?

    • Meh. They are too easy…

      Just bash their heads when they bow down to pray to Mecca…

      • SuspectedDemocrat

        Plus during Ramadan, they won’t eat your brains during daylight hours.

        • Steverino247

          Brilliant!

    • Zippy

      Zombie Hitler?

      • Spotts1701

        Zombie jetpack Hitler, you mean.

    • Antimassacree

      Breitbart Zombiesite?

    • grumblestiltskin

      My experience would lead me to say Jehovah’s Witness zombies. I’d take The Watchtower, but they ain’t going away.

  • Antimassacree

    Those poor Muslim zombies are going to be awfully hungry after their failed attempts to find any bahrains (Good one, Dok!) in rural Texas.

    • Bearpaw01

      Well, there’s the mayor, and probably a few others.

      • Antimassacree

        Sure, quoting the GOP front-runner, probably a few are good people.

      • Antimassacree

        (Inspired by the GOP Frontrunner) Sure, probably some of them are smart people.

  • SuspectedDemocrat

    If they’re worried about groundwater, just fill the graves with coal ash and rinse it with fracking chemicals every day. That should set their minds at ease.

  • calliecallie

    I think Donald Trump needs to build that wall a tad farther north.

    • Antimassacree

      A Mason-Dixon Line wall would suit me fine.

      • Blank Ron

        Can you make sure Maryland’s on the proper side? Don’t want to have to cross TWO borders when I go to visit, TYVM.

    • eddi

      And get the Texans to pay for it?

  • elviouslyqueer

    “The concern for us is the radical element of Islam,” David J. Meeks, pastor of Bethlehem Baptist Church, told The Dallas Morning News. He said he thinks the cemetery would be the first step toward a broader Muslim expansion in town.

    https://i.imgflip.com/eyxts.jpg

  • Riley Whodat Venable

    Doc, loved the Carrie reference. Very wity.

  • deanbooth

    “E’s not dead, e’s pining for jihad!”

  • cleanfront

    I hear Muslim Zombies eat gluten.

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      Mmmmmmm brain shawarma…

  • Fly

    Texans are scared of Islamic ghosts.

    • Reddishrabbit

      Texans seem to be scaried of anything.

      • jmk

        “Don’t mess with Texas…

        …because we can’t handle it and will run away screaming so just don’t, OK?”

  • Spotts1701

    I dunno – wouldn’t the threat of Muslim Zombies give these folks an excuse to go buy even more guns ‘n ammo?

    • zerosumgame0005

      their own shadows do that for them…

  • Ryan Denniston

    “they are scared to death that once you start allowing dead Muslims in their county, then live ones will follow”

    Where I grew up, we were taught that life preceded death. Of course, they taught evolution too.

  • calliecallie

    Some say the world will end in fire,
    Some say zombies.
    From what I’ve tasted of desire
    I hold with those who favor fire.
    But if it had to perish with ease,
    I think I know enough of hate
    To say that for destruction zombies
    are also great
    And would please.

    • malsperanza

      Zombie Robert Frost approves.

    • Call the Pulitzer Prize committee!

    • Doug Langley

      Are you a pseudonym for Larry Eisenberg? He’s commented on New York Times articles for years, and always uses rhyming verse.

      • calliecallie

        Paraphrasing Robert Frost. I had to google the exact lines of the poem, but I vaguely remembered it from my youth.

  • elviouslyqueer

    Obviously these Christian Texas morons haven’t heard about that whole postmortem 72 virgins thing.

    • clubseal

      Thanks for that. Now “Muslim zombie hymen” is banging around in my head.

      • Antimassacree

        There will be blood. (Sorry.)

        • clubseal

          Comments can’t be blank.

        • clubseal

          Is that rigor, or are you happy to see me?

      • momatad

        sounds like a good name for a punk band

      • marxalot

        Sounds like a Cramps single.

  • Michael Smith

    Look I know that those old voting requirements (like poll taxes and ancestry requirements) are not allowed, and I think that’s good because they were racist, but come on – should these headless chickens be allowed to vote this reasonable mayor out for such a senseless reason?

    I think that, in lieu of poll taxes and such, we should show potential voters a ridiculous Facebook rumor (Obama Plans to Limit Right to Use Cash – seriously I saw that one recently) – if they laugh incredulously, they are allowed to vote; if they think about it for a few moments, we make them read some books and let them vote next time; if they instantly click share, and comment about how Something Needs to Be Done, they are never allowed to vote again.

    I think that would be a lot better.

    • marxalot

      Just start posting about Obummerz Exceutive UNLEGISLATED!!!!! Order Makes Real Muricans Into Illegals!!! With New DICTATORSHIP. Tell them all elections have been cancelled, and the people who show up at the polling places anyway will have their names put on a list for detention camps. It’ll cut down on the folks we don’t need voting.

  • HolidayinCambodia

    I wish I could make a “Thriller” joke here.

  • Mavenmaven

    Better Red than Dead!

  • dslindc

    First it was creeping sharia™, now it’s decomposing sharia! Oh the humanity!

  • schmannity

    George Romero’s Dawn of the Derp.

    • Zippy

      The Texas brainsaw massacre

  • malsperanza

    Poor Texas: caught between Muslim Zombie Jihad and Jade Helm. Thank goodness they’ve got that big NASA installation in Dallas, so they can all emigrate to the moon. Now that it as volcanoes, that means there’s fire and air, so they should do fine.

    http://mediamatters.org/blog/2011/07/28/fox-news-confused-baffled-by-the-moon/183428

    • Zippy

      “You can’t explain that”

    • jmk

      Bill Nye handled that very kindly.

  • clubseal

    There was a nice time in there, with the mayor actually doing the right thing. Of course, it was so hidden among the asshole Texas derp that it was clearly outweighed.

    • willi0000000

      i think you mean “about to be ex-mayor”

      • momatad

        sad to say, I think this might be true. They’ll vote him out for not ‘protecting them from the scourge’.

    • marxalot

      One good swimmer thrashing away, head down, against a riptide of stupid.

  • crunchyknee

    One of these things is real:

    Zombies
    Creeping Sharia
    Dumbass Texans

    • actor212

      B

      I just cleared a few hundred yards of creeping sharia from my garden fence, in fact.

      Or maybe they were morning glories. Can’t be too careful, you see

      • Thaumaturgist

        Is creeping sharia the same as kudzu?

        • actor212

          Isn;t it?

    • cleanfront

      This is too hard. I’m still wrapping my head around ‘corporations are people’.

  • Antimassacree

    “David J. Meeks”, funny foreign name.

    –Running Bear

  • Rick Hill

    “How can we stop a mosque or madrassa training center from going in there?”

    This is, clearly, very important. They don’t want to have the militia groups have competition in vying for the hearts and minds of new converts. They need every able bodied, mentally challenged individual ready for when the government comes for their freedumbs.

    • Biff52

      Freedumb for me, none for thee.

      • Rick Hill

        FEMA camps yesterday and FEMA camps tomorrow but none today….

  • Bill Slider

    Just when one thinks they have heard it all, here come the Christian Zombies to inform us that we have seen nothing yet. Read your Bible idiots. Jesus was buried wrapped in a shrowd, no coffin, no vault. The Muslims have said they intend to bury their dead in coffins and vaults, however. I assume, therefore, that Texas law requires them. Don’t look now, but I will bet that there are real atheists buried in some of those Christian Texas cemeteries.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Or…even worse…CATHOLICS!

      • Bill Slider

        Yep.

        • eddi

          How about a Catholic atheist? I qualify so there must be others.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    “The concern for us is the radical element of Islam,” David J. Meeks, pastor of Bethlehem Baptist Church, told The Dallas Morning News

    I’m far more concerned about the radical element of Christianity, as typified by assholes like David J. Meeks.

  • Ilgattomorte

    I read this story yesterday and the reaction surprised me until I thought to myself, “Oh poor Texas. They must be upset that Florida’s been getting so much attention.”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    We have a sinking feeling that Mayor Helmberger’s calm, rational
    understanding of religious freedom is probably going to be an issue come
    election time, since he is clearly a dangerous radical, or at least has
    been fooled by Sharia creeping all over him.

    Well, he’s obviously ignorant of what “religious freedom” means, as Islam, like Catholicism, is not a “real” religion.

  • actor212

    They’ll store cow shit and pig shit in ponds that explode and factories that blow up, but a few dozen human bodies and suddenly they’re all whiny-ass tittybaby?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Not human bodies…MUSLIN bodies!

      • actor212

        Burnoose low tech!

  • “How can we stop a mosque or madrassa training center from going in there?” he asked, referring to a type of Islamic school.

    You can’t. It’s called the fucking First Amendment.

    Same reason no one can stop you from starting up First Baptist Brainwashing Academy and using textbooks that say the Earth is 6,000 years old and we’re all the product of incest.

    This is not that hard, people.

    • marxalot

      Fair’s fair: if the Non Denoms are allowed their creepy walled Jesusland compounds, then the local Muslims can build a Mosque. And the United Church of Satan and Baseball can open a rec center.

      • And the United Church of Satan and Baseball can open a rec center.

        The greatest trick the devil ever pulled off was to invent the dullest sport imaginable and convince people it was fun.

        • jmk

          Golf LIBEL!!111!!!

          • mtn_philosoph

            Bassmaster’s LIEBEL!!!!!!11!!!1!

      • John Norris

        A rec center in the tunnels under the closed Wal Mart.

      • Biff52

        I first read that as Non Demons, and it kind of works either way.

  • VandeGraf

    Yeah, that pig’s head thing is a cheap shot. Every right thinking Texan has one. But which of them are going to give it up and take one for the team?

  • VandeGraf

    They obliviously misunderstand the freedom of religiosity thing. They think Muslims don’t have religion, they got Islam.

    • jmk

      I have had a number of twits tell me – at length – that Islam isn’t covered by the First Amendment religious protections because it’s not a religion but a political philosophy.

      Only one of them had the grace to shut the fuck up after I pointed out that we also have freedom to adopt any political philosophy we choose, thanks to the First Amendment.

  • OzoneTom

    Maybe they are thinking of the zombie terrorist training camp Halloween decorations on “Halal in the Family.”

  • Logic of Color

    It’s not hard to see how these guys are legit worried about zombies. They even worship one.

    • marxalot

      Zombie Christian Jesus vs Zombie Muslim Jesus! One night (of the living dead) only! SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY! Featuring TRUCK-A-SAURUS!

      • Dudleydidwrong

        Where did you get that photograph of the rapture? It is supposed to be secret!!

  • MrBlobfish

    Angry residents. Are there any other kind in Texas?

    • Zyxomma

      Well, there are plenty of Democrats trying to turn TX back into a sane state. Start here: http://juanitajean.com

  • UnsaltedSinner

    “…people are just worried that since Muslim burials don’t use caskets, vaults, or embalming, those dead Muslim bodies might poison the city’s drinking water.”

    I Am Not A Scientist, but isn’t embalming fluid something you would want to keep out of your drinking water?

    • Mehmeisterjr

      It’s like fracking only bad Muslin fracking, not the good Christian kind.

  • Rotational Symmetry

    I am not an expert but it sounds like Muslim burial practices are not that different from Orthodox Jewish burial practices. Maybe somebody should ask these fine folk how they would feel about Us Jooz burying our dead in their sacred Christian dirt?

    • SuspectedDemocrat

      That’s the brilliance of their plan. Pigs blood also keeps the Jews away! (and also any sane person)

      • Biff52

        Hannibal Lecter has no problems with it.

    • Blank Ron

      That’s a trick question, right?

  • Thaumaturgist

    Is a Muslim still a Muslim after the Mormons baptise his corpse? Maybe that would cure the problem.

    • jmk

      But that’s a whole different problem for the good folks of Derpistan, because, as any Yahoo Comments contributor will tell you, Mormons aren’t Christian, either.

    • Biff52

      Not fair! Just when they’re supposed to get their 72 virgins, some asshole turns them Mormon?

      • Blank Ron

        Magic underwear is definitely no substitute for 72 virgins. No matter how nicely the waistband fits.

  • Mehmeisterjr

    First, they buried the dead and I said nothing because I was not dead.

    • Amy!

      Yeah, well, if you were dead, and they buried you, what would you say then, huh? Huh? Huh? Quidditch rat demonstration!

  • Barbara Delaney

    Interesting that as more enlightened people are becoming aware of Green Burials these people want to keep their soil filled with embalming fluids.

    Texans, always looking to the past for inspiration.

    • Latverian Diplomat

      It’s all those New Testament references to formaldehyde that have people confused.

      I remember a PBS show about the purported tomb of Jesus, which is stone structure inside a church tensely shared between half a dozen or so Christian denominations (none of them Protestant). But the “Holy Land” tourists find the place a bit creepy, so there’s a “Garden Tomb” which is even more likely to be fake, but it’s popular because it’s a pleasant outdoor setting more similar to a modern American cemetery.

  • Rick Hill

    When are they going to just go ahead and make a law forcing any who are not christian to undergo conversion therapy?

    • Blank Ron

      Hey, stop reading ahead!

  • To be fair, human brains are halal.

  • Notreelyhelping

    Why, the next thing you know, all the kids will want to be buried out there!

  • Q: Do you know the real reason Muslims who live in Texas cannot be buried there?

    • Good_Gawd_Yall

      Because they aren’t dead yet?

  • shastakoala

    Come election time the good people of Farmersville are going to have to make a grave decision.

    • mtn_philosoph

      It’s a serious undertaking.

  • Lazy Media

    Well, as everyone knows, the surest way to spread disease is to bury dead flesh six feet underground. Next thing you know, the ground has worms in it, and microbes, and we’re all dead of the plague.

  • mardam422

    I hate stoopid.

  • John Norris

    Now the Texasses know why Pres Obama put Jade Helm on them: to practice taking out the Muslin Zombie Horde.

  • SK

    Well, shoot, Preacher, if you’re allowed to fill innocent children’s heads with…

    Those words have a nasty coded message. shoot? children’s heads?
    C’mon Wonkette!

  • James Christopher Owen

    “The concern for us is the radical element
    of Islam,” David J. Meeks, pastor of Bethlehem Baptist Church, told The
    Dallas Morning News. He said he thinks the cemetery would be the first
    step toward a broader Muslim expansion in town.

    From one Christian to another: Jesus loves you; everyone else thinks you are an asshole. Resign.

    “Muslim Corpse Panic” – new anime series.

  • RachelK

    Holy shit, y’all. This is my grandmother’s hometown. My great-aunt used to be the mayor and before that, when it was a dry county (maybe still is?) her father was the town’s big bootlegger. He was awesome, and taught me how to cheat at poker, and taught my grandmother how to hide bottles of gin in the potato field. I never thought I’d see a news story about Farmersville, but of course, I always knew that if I did, it would be something like this. Sigh.

  • cessnadriver

    Zeppo Marx was a bit of a real estate genius and managed the family’s real estate holdings.

    He would buy a large tract of land and threaten to build a Jewish cemetery on said land. Outraged Christers would then buy the land from them at a premium.

    One tract was then used to build a country club. Which was restricted.

  • Relativicus

    The thing that sets my eyes rolling so fast they look as if they’re hardly moving is the firmly entrenched belief that the mere sight of a can of Spam makes Muslims go running for the hills yelling “Ewwwww, GAH! Ickyickyickyicky… grossgrossgross!!!!” (but in Islamese). Folks, you don’t need to waste a hog to tell prospective neighbors you’re disgusting hateful slobs. You can make the same point utilizing items from your home, or bowels. Just express yourselves and folks will get your meaning.

    • Mintie

      Sorry, but the Muslims are right on that score. Spam is nasty.

  • Biff52

    Of course they offered up the reasonable alternative of being allowed to bury their dead in the xtian cemetery down the road, right?

  • LarkintheAM

    they didn’t Carrie out that operation
    ISWYDT, Doc. :-P

  • david green

    “Texans being paranoid again”. Don’t you mean “still”? That state, despite all their bluster, is the most frightened state in the Union.

  • Alex Grey

    Please fucking carry out your promise to secede; increase the rest of the country’s average intelligence…

    • Usedtobeyellerdawg

      Please, no for completely selfish reasons. I can’t face moving again.

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