Making fun of “Fox & Friends” twice in one day? SOLD! Here is your video of the dumbshit couch talking about a very scary shark attack that happened in South Africa to surfer Mick Fanning, and how it’s one thing when normal swimmers get attacked by sharks, but when big important surfers get attacked by sharks, then we have a problem, because don’t the sharks even know who they’re messing with? (They are messing with humans, who, even when they are badass surfers, are smaller and not as badass as sharks.)

Make a stupid with your mouth, Brian Kilmeade:

“I think that the most shocking thing is that after you hear about the six attacks in North Carolina, okay, these are just swimmers,” Kilmeade noted on Monday’s edition of Fox & Friends. “But then when you see a champion surfer and you have a three camera shoot and an overhead shot, [you] say, ‘Oh my goodness, it could happen anywhere.’”

Oh my goodness, it really could happen anywhere! Except for mostly, it happens in the ocean, and you have to be careful, because that is where the sharks live.

Say more words:

“You would think that they would have a way of clearing the waters before a competition of this level. But I guess they don’t.”

Yeah, like couldn’t they go in the water beforehand and put up a sign that says, “Hey all you sharks, just letting you know, we’re doing a competition for surfing right now, so if you could please stay away while we invade your home, that would be great K THX BYE”? Or maybe they could be like “HEY YOU SHARKS, there is a pizza party, 40 miles from the coast, YOU SHOULD GO TO IT!”

Don’t let Kilmeade outdo you, Elisabeth Hasselbeck, you are every bit as stupid as he is:

“Sure,” co-host Elisabeth Hasselbeck agreed. “If a three-time world champion surfer isn’t safe, who is?”

“The shark should be afraid of him,” she added. “That was a tough punch he gave there.”

Aw fuck, thank you, Elisabeth. We cannot imagine why the shark didn’t fearfully swim away, due to getting punched on its shark body, by not just ANY human, but by a three-time world champion surfer. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that IT’S A GODDAMNED SHARK, YOU FUCKING MORON.

What’s the moral of this story, Steve Doocy?

“Some people jump the shark. He actually punched one!”

It all makes sense now. We are very glad the surfer is okay, and we continue to wonder whether the “Fox & Friends” kids should be issued helmets, for their own safety.


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  • BearGHAZI

    Has Obama’s lackadaisical leadership emboldened sharks? is the real issue

    • Sam Hain

      These are the same sharks from BENGHAZZIIII!!!!!

    • Vecciojohn

      Well, after that oceanside apology tour, what did we expect?

  • cessnadriver

    Nice reference to Fonzie there.

    • Anarchy Pony

      I’d be surprised if they actually know what jump the shark means.

      • JMPesq

        Troy Barnes:
        Oh, and for the record? There was an episode of Happy Days where a guy literally jumped over a shark. And it was the best one!

        • Anarchy Pony

        • Villago Delenda Est

          It was the beginning of the end for Happy Days

          • Amy!

            I think that the beginning of the end was somewhat earlier.

            The shark-jumping episode was, to put it in modern perspective, something of a Trump-candidacy moment for Happy Days.

  • memzilla

    Faux ‘News’ is shocked that the sharks aren’t greeting us with rose petals, as liberators.

  • stevola

    Those sharks need to go back where they came from!

    • ArgieBargie

      Shark Week on the Discovery Channel?

    • Sam Hain

      The Pleistocene?

      • mtn_philosoph

        Cretaceous actually, when sharks in their present form first appeared. The earliest sharks evolved much further back, during the Silurian period.

    • sw19womble

      A tornado?

      • mtn_philosoph

        A sequel?

    • Vecciojohn

      Them’s Messcun sharks! They sneak up here to take all the people eating jobs from American sharks. They say the ones with criminal records are sent up here to sell drugs to white preschoolers and they have fins the size of cantaloupes.

      • Tendernob

        “I will build a great net — and nobody builds nets better than me, believe me —and I’ll build them very inexpensively. I will build a great, great net on in our ocean, and I will make the sharks pay for that net. Mark my words.” ~ Donald Trump

        • cbts

          FanTAStic comment!

    • data_ninja

      Law school?

      • mtn_philosoph

        Barracuda LIEBLE!!!!!!!sphyraena!!!!!

  • schmannity
    • Tendernob


      • Villago Delenda Est

        “Candygram. Candygram”.

        • HogeyeGrex


      • Biff52

        Or Left Shark!

  • ArgieBargie

    “You would think that they would have a way of clearing the waters before a competition of this level. But I guess they don’t.”

    He’s talking about the 2016 Republican field, right?

  • One yearns for the erudite banter of Hoda and Kathy Lee after three glasses of wine.

    • Jaime Oria

      It’s enough to drive me to drink.

  • Mavenmaven

    Just wait until the piranhas show up…

  • Tendernob

    Has Tara Reid joined Fox News??

  • elviouslyqueer

    George Orwell gifted us with the 2-Minute Hate. Fox just gives us the 2-Minute Stupid.

    • You mistyped “24-hour,” I think.

    • Vecciojohn

      Orwell said we must all have the fortitude to face unpleasant Fox.

  • Brewerofbeers

    Simply amazing.

    • Biff52

      That’s duhmazing.

  • ArgieBargie

    If only the surfer had been armed…

    • Sam Hain

      …and flying a Dick-See flag.

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    Except for mostly, it happens in the ocean
    Evan, the Sharknado would like to have a word with you.

  • Tendernob

    I swear to Gd, that couch has a higher I.Q. than these three do.

    • Coming this fall: Fox and Furniture.

      • Vecciojohn

        With the Chip ‘n’ Dale Dancers?

  • sw19womble

    This would never have happened if the surfer had only been allowed to carry a shark in open water himself.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    Or maybe they could be like “HEY YOU SHARKS, there is a pizza party, 40 miles from the coast, YOU SHOULD GO TO IT!”

    After the infamous ‘Fake Prom for Sharks and Nerds’ event of 2009, the sharks are not falling for that again. The nerds will probably fall for it a couple more times, however.

    • Vecciojohn

      Gee, did somebody say pizza party? Count me in gang! Who loves extra cheese?

      • Dee Andee

        And extra chum also too!

        • Amy!

          No anchovies!

          (ugh. I’m old)

    • I wonder how long a handful of Fox News couch warmers would distract* the sharks. Long enough for a proper surfing competition, do you think?

      *With votes, or whatever.

      • Latverian Diplomat

        It’s not like we would ever “run out” of right wing idjits.

    • SnarkTank

      ME Liebulz!!!1!!

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    They’re gonna need a bigger couch.

  • Vecciojohn

    That’s it! I’m having “OCEAN WHERE SHARKS LIVE!’ tattooed on the back of my left hand.

  • parachihuahua

    When you’re a Jet, you’re a Jet all the way, from your first cigarette to your last dyin’ day… “some people jump the shark”? what?

    • Viva La Tabula Raza

      At least the sharks will steer clear, as they’re all lousy chickens.

  • Tallmutha

    Derp’s up!

  • JMPesq

    Now, shark attacks don’t only occur in the ocean! They can also attack at SeaWorld, in Orlando which is far from the coast, as seen in the documentary Jaws 3D.

    • weejee

      And they’re quite frequent on Wall Street.

      • Villago Delenda Est

        They happen in courtrooms all over this country every single day.

        • sw19womble

          I’ve seen plenty chase ambulances down the street.

  • Sam Hain

    Dumb and dumber and fucking dumber.

    • Vecciojohn

      To the dumbth power.

  • Spotts1701

    Please explain to me how these people manage to dress themselves in the morning?

    • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

      They have a wardrobe department.

  • mrFawkes

    They’re gonna need a bigger sofa–for the stupid.

  • AngryBlakGuy

    “But then when you see a champion surfer and you have a three camera shoot and an overhead shot, [you] say, ‘Oh my goodness, it could happen anywhere”

    …how dare you NON BELIEVERS question the intelligence of the almighty DOOCY!!! Behold!!!

    • Villago Delenda Est

      What is needed here is serious he-man Vlad Putin taming that beastie.

      • Vecciojohn

        I hear he’s breeding them at his secret ranch just downwind of Chernobyl.

        • coozledad

          If they make it to South Carolina, they’ll get bred there too.

          • Vecciojohn

            I used to know one who was bread in Old Kentucky. Now he’s just another crumb-bum.

    • SnarkTank

      Pretty sure Doozy is only half of that animal.

      • Anarchy Pony

        More like one quarter.

    • Don’t forget his sidekick.

    • Amy!

      “That’s not my little pony ….”

    • cbts


  • sw19womble

    As usual, nobody bothered to interview the shark:

    • Viva La Tabula Raza

      Really. Whatever happened to “Fair and Balanced?”

      • Vecciojohn

        Oh sure, history, herstory, but never sharkstory.

        • sw19womble

          Never mind Shark Week, where’s our SHARK HISTORY MONTH!

          • LIT_Fag

            (Great) White History Month?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      “Honestly, he told me he was a seal!”

  • marxalot

    Petition to rename “Fox & Friends” to “Dumb & Dumpster”.

    • sw19womble

      dumpster fire libel!!!!!ouch!!!!

  • Sam Hain

    Dang socialist, Kenyan, usurper, dictator sharks!

  • Oddly, I find myself thinking that if in fact there were an environmentally safe way to clear sharks from ocean waters, it would be more important to do that for public beaches where ordinary people swim than for surfing competitions.

    • sw19womble

      I think the clue is in the words “ordinary people”

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Australia does some things for public beaches that seem to work, but I don’t know how broadly applicable they are.

      • sw19womble

        Basically big nets that drown them (and other endangered species) and stop any sharks maintaining a territory around the beaches.

        Not great, but there’s no other viable alternative been invented yet. :(

        • Viva La Tabula Raza

          Except that one, it’s called “staying out of the ocean.”

          • sw19womble

            I won’t even go in the Salish Sea. Never mind the killer whales, have you seen the size of a giant pacific octopus? :-o

          • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

            Yes, they are famous for being big and not eating people.?

          • LIT_Fag

            Try this one weird trick for NOT GETTING EATED BY A GODDAMN SHARK.

    • clubseal

      Maybe some sort of subsonic emitter that irritates the sharks?

      • Like an underwater broadcast of Fox & Friends?

        • Good_Gawd_Yall


        • Could we irritate the sharks first so they would be sure to attack?

          • If a Fox News personality isn’t irritating enough to get sharks to attach, he or she isn’t qualified for Fox.

        • clubseal

          I don’t want the sharks to kill themselves, just find another place to do shark stuff.

          • Biff52

            And as a seal, you have some skin in the game.

          • clubseal

            Better skin than a chunk of flesh.

            Con-fish-us proverb

      • sw19womble

        I think some shark nets have a sonar that ‘warns’ dolphins and whales… I guess sharks are too thick!

    • Best way to avoid shark attacks:

      • Dee Andee

        Ha! She’s awesome.

    • Biel_ze_Bubba

      In the world of Fucks Gnus, “ordinary people” don’t count – only ‘important’ people.

      • Biff52

        On Fucks Gnus, every week is Shart Week.

      • jmk

        I do enjoy their apparent belief that sharks should be impressed by celebrity status or sportsing prowess.

        • alwayspunkindrublic

          And maybe politely ask to take a selfie rather than biting a leg off.

    • Me not sure

      Clearing the air of shitbirds like the F&F crew would be a better idea.

  • Am I alone in thinking LOTS MOAR SHARKS! would make ‘Competition Surfing’ even more exciting to watch?

    • Villago Delenda Est

      I think it would chum up some interest, yes!

      • AntiDerpomeme

        Oh, that smelt. But I doubt you did it on porpoise. Or maybe you haddock to do it?

        • elviouslyqueer

          Nice save. For a minute, you were floundering.

          • sw19womble

            Hey! There’s no plaice on here for bad puns!

        • starfanglednut

          Nah, he or she just did it for the halibut.

    • sw19womble

      Extra points for jumping them?

    • w9anthimos

      Sudden Death overtime in the event of a tie.

  • weejee

    Petunia II and Palz need moar in their coffee to clear their thinking. Few shark attacks in the Tejas-Messican deserts.

    • Apparently, I’m high, because I looked at that picture for several seconds trying to make it resolve into frogs. Which I don’t think it is. Right?

      • NanBullenshede


      • HuddledMass

        Peyote buttons, aren’t they?

        • Well, I thought they were mushrooms, but you never can tell with the Whole Foods salad bar.

          Wait, are you not talking about my lunch?

    • calliecallie

      Ugh! What the hell is that?

  • Fitzgerald Chesterfield

    Hey surfer dudes,

    You need to put all your foodstuffs in a bag and hang it from a live, but not too sturdy, branch of a tree.

    That should keep you safe.

  • Villago Delenda Est

    Yes. It could happen anywhere.

    Be very, very afraid when you take a bath, Kilmeade. Or sit on the throne.


    • willi0000000

      bowl sharks are the very worst!

      • bobbert

        Dragon of Unhappiness libel!!

      • They took the tidy bowl man in one bite; runabout, kicker and all!

  • Watching the video made me pee my pants.

  • JoeChristmas

    Snark attack!!1′

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    So, eleven hundred viewers started watching Fox and Friends, three hundred and sixteen were watching when the show was over, the sharks took the rest, July the 20th, 2015. Anyway, we delivered the derp.

  • crunchyknee

    Clearing the waters of sharks before a surf meet would be a whole hell of a lot easier than clearing the Fox “News” of dumbass before a show.

    • Vecciojohn

      “What, another Labor?!” – Hercules

  • Joshua Norton

    very scary shark attack


    • Vecciojohn

      Unicef, ma’am. . .

  • Biff52

    Don’t nobody tell them about Bethany Hamilton, because what could be even moar sympathetic than a gorgeous blonde one-armed surfer? Because a fucking shark eated the other arm?

  • Viva La Tabula Raza

    Hope Doocy never hears about those sharks with frickin’ laser beams on their heads.

    • Vecciojohn

      It’s them flying’ sharks that skeer me.

  • Just imagine what the Fox News idiots reaction would’ve been had they been great black sharks.

  • diogenez

    I went hiking the the mountains of Southwest Colorado yesterday and said, “Oh my goodness, there could be bears here! Someone should do something!!”

    • sw19womble

      A friend of mine lives up near the forest line on mainland Vancouver. He understands that he’s on the edge of civilisation, but he told me about a neighbour who quite adamantly and persistently called the police and demanded they protect his home against “all these bears”. Apparently he paid his taxes dammit and it wasn’t his fault that the subdivision (where he’d decided to buy his house) led up into the mountains.

      People are weird.

      • Bitter Scribe

        Time for these guys:

        • Villago Delenda Est

          “Lisa, I want to buy your rock”

        • MrBlobfish

          We’re here
          We’re queer
          We don’t want any more bears

    • clubseal

      “Lucky I’m not a professional surfer, or those bears would surely attack!”

  • canuck13652

    Surely having a Sharks Underwater Capture and Kill System (SUCKS) would be a government program which would lead to complete government control of the oceans and everyone being sent to ACLU Sharia Abortion Factories before being gay married. So why are Fox advocating for yet another wasteful government intrusion on freedom?

    • SnarkOff

      Maybe the Invisible Hand of the Free Market can bitch-slap all of the sharks out of the water.

  • Belasaurius

    how much lead based paint did these idiots eat when they were children?

    • Not enough?

    • Riley Whodat Venable

      Did they stop?

    • starfanglednut

      All of it, Katie.

  • Callyson

    This is a surprise since I would think FOX News people identify with sharks…

    • Viva La Tabula Raza

      I think remoras may be more appropriate.

      • PirateWench

        Or Jelly Fish

  • Vecciojohn

    I don’t know the rules of bridge. Can you just bid “No Trump”?

  • Enfant Terrible


    • sw19womble

      I’m just going to leave this here…

      • cbts

        That damn wonky eye.

  • Chris Shingirai Kwaramba

    Now there are sharks in the ocean and they wont go away. Thanks Obama!

  • Bitter Scribe

    …we continue to wonder whether the “Fox & Friends” kids should be issued helmets, for their own safety.

    Why? I mean, what could there possibly be inside those helmets that an injury could make any worse?

    • Amy!

      I think it’s actually more for the sharks’ benefit. A candy coating over a succulent center.

  • SnarkOff


  • RachelK

    I hate to be the well actually person, and these people are idiots who don’t know what they are talking about, but I was always taught that you *should* punch the shark right in the face. It’s not guaranteed, but sharks rarely get any prey that fights back, so depending on the circumstances, sometimes you punch a shark and they are just like, hey! This is too much trouble, and abandon you for easier prey. Don’t punch a barracuda though, they take it as a challenge.

    • Jeamonn

      I was taught that you should blow a shark when it attacks you. 50% chance that the shark is into it, 50 % chance that he will swim away and find the nearest support group. Granted I was taught this on Fox news and they are always trying to troll viewers into doing dumb things like blowing shark or voting Republican.

    • Msgr_Moment

      Punching sharks in the face is why I no longer get invited to happy hour at the county courthouse.

  • onedrewthree

    and now it’s time for the Adults talk for children news hour.

  • VandeGraf

    Apparently, though the heritage implicit in the name Kilmeade is that his ancestors liked their brew, Brian has suffered serious brain damage therefrom. Ms Hasselbeck, however, was hired to be a leggy long-haired blonde who is not contractually required to say anything intelligent. It’s the Fox way.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      I believe that under the terms of her contract she obligated to not saying anything intelligent.

  • proudgrampa

    Those three are just too stupid to live.

  • Biff52

    That you know of!

  • Vecciojohn

    You can’t tell me that if we sent the Seventh Fleet in there and fired just one warning shot across their fins they wouldn’t all turn tail like a bunch of yellowfin and swim off back where they belong! Goddamn Kenyan weakling!

  • I would still feel safer swimming with sharks, than hanging out with those assholes from the klan.

    • Vecciojohn

      On the other hand, I’d rather punch out a klansman.

      • vivian

        Punching a klansman with a shark would be even better than punching him with votes!

        • Beaumarchais?

          It’s heritage, not cartilage!

  • DsMTwoShoes

    You have to wonder, do these people ever listen to themselves?

    • vivian

      Absolutely not, because Fox is too cheap to hire someone to sit with them and explain it.

  • Logic of Color

    I think the sharks are pissed off about all the overregulation Obama does to the oceans.

  • Thaumaturgist

    In America, except for Houston, which might not exactly be a real part of America, we got “zoning,” which is how we enforce NIMBY. Sharks got excluded from the land.

    • Left Coast Tom

      I thought it was the high rent that pushed them into the ocean.

  • sw19womble

    That’s what they want you to think! WAKE UP SHEEPLE!

    • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

      Face it, given the choice between a succulent crab and long pig, you’d choose the crab too.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Succulent crab instead of cheap, sinewy long pig? We’re cutting off your foodstamps.

        • darnyoudarnyoutoheck

          Funny thing is my BFF would haul her 4 kids down to the town dock to throw in the crab traps when money was really tight. Now she does it ’cause tasty.

  • tegrat

    Fact: most shark attacks occur in three feet of water or less.
    Solution: Drain the first three feet of ocean water – voila!

    • JoeChristmas

      There’s a spot on the couch reserved just for you!

    • StrangerWithCandy

      That reminds me — Most auto accidents occur within 5 miles of your home. The solution is to drive like a bat out of hell for the first 5 miles, so you don’t spend so much time in the danger zone.

  • JoeChristmas

    …and the liberal media will just report on the 100 million sharks we kill every year…

  • Oneofthebobs

    They should get somebody from BP to
    show them how they do “clearing the waters”.

  • I hope someone is already working on the screenplay for Sharknado 4: The Fox Morning Show.

  • MrBlobfish

    Another good reason to stay away from NC

    • Strepsi

      Can we teach them to learn to love the taste of Confederate Christian?

      • MrBlobfish

        Their meat is well marbled.

        • vivian

          old and tough, I hears… lots o’ gristle, and they taste like Dr. Pepper

          • jmk

            And Skoal.

  • Charles Cates

    Wow, you can learn something by watching Fox.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If it isn’t “Stop watching Fox,” you haven’t learned anything useful.

    • SomeOtherDude

      You mean other than 101 uses for you Snuggie?

  • Msgr_Moment

    Before the surfing competition, the organizers accidentally spread Shark Bacon in the waters instead of Shark-B-Gone.

    • Seek

      You must admit, more people have watched a Professional Surfing Competition now that they are adding sharks into the mix. Regular Pro Surfing will seem mighty dull after this.

  • Okay, there has to be a way to get them to talk about the real scientific possibility of a sharknado.

    • jmk

      Pleeeeeeeeeeeeease, FSM, pleeeeeeeeeeeease make this happen! R’Amen!

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      No. that would be admitting climate change.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Donald Trump, this is the next yooge cause. Please have the guts to start the conversation about sharknados and Mexican rapists and other things you have observed.

  • bluicebank

    Dear Fox & Friends: Next time you all swim out from the beach (and ALL of you have to go), bring along some bait. Not regular bait, but the stuff called CHUM. The sharks will leave you alone and instead go after the chum. Be sure to makes lots of splashy noises, too, to scare the sharks.

    • janecita

      And whatever you do, don’t ever get a bigger boat!

    • Mehmeisterjr

      The sad part is that, if they adopt your suggestion, they will not learn anything.

  • yaymccheeks

    This seemed much more like an inadvertent investigation on the shark’s part, rather than an attempt to eat a surfer (although I’m sure that is on every shark’s bucket list). Great Whites generally begin a hunting run from about a 100 foot depth, rather than trying to bump into food at the surface. Although I’m sure the encounter was unnerving for the surfer, the Fox “News” dullards are simply using their own shining ignorance to keep people scared, as they are wont to do.

    • splashy79

      Yes, it sounded like the shark went for the surfboard, and got tangled in the line that attached the board to the surfer. Probably thought the board was a seal.

  • BaddTicker

    Land shark.

  • AlanInSF

    If more swimmers were packing heat, this wouldn’t happen.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      If we outlaw guns for swimmers, only sharks will have guns.

    • azeyote

      surfboard torpedoes –

  • LarkintheAM

    Apparently they have ‘champion surfer’ confused with Aquaman.

    • Doug Langley

      So why didn’t he use his telepathy thingie and tell the shark to chill?

  • Mehmeisterjr

    To be fair, this is Fox & Friends, America’s Leader in Morning Village Idioting. You can’t expect them to be up on the details of elasmobranchology when they can’t even change a tire without nearly tipping the car over on themselves. (Doocey was absent that day, but guest nincompoop and MLM’er Scott Brown filled in for him perfectly.)

    I especially loved the part when they lost the lug nuts. I could almost hear my father’s voice saying, “Make sure you keep track of the lug nuts.”

    • Mintie

      I have to wonder if Styx sued F&F for using that clip of their song without permission :)

    • splashy79

      You gotta chock the tires before starting, and put the emergency brake on. Otherwise, you could DIE! smh

      • Mehmeisterjr

        And this was a segment in which they were illustrating the skills that you need to have IF YOU ARE A REAL MAN. Gigantic, comedically huge fail, of course.

        Jesus, though no mr. goodwrench I know enough to put the lug nuts in a baggie placed inside the car before they start rolling all over the surface streets of New York!

  • Mehmeisterjr

    Scott Brown has announced that his second act as President of the United States will be to declare war on sharks. “We will search them down and kill them whether they are hiding in the sea, on land or in the air.” No word yet on what he plans to do with the Jets.

  • stevola

    It seems we’re facing a vile nasty little shark mob.

    • starfanglednut


  • ThePuckStopsHere

    I thought it was, sadly, football players who had to be concerned about the premature onset of degenerative cognition and brain function, not their wives.

  • Rufus T. Firefly

    Sharknado 4: The Derpening

    • freakishlystrong

      I was going to do “Derpnado”. Good one!

  • undercover epicurean

    Who is letting these illegal sharks in!? Secure our borders!!1! And how are you supposed to stand your ground when you’re in the water?

    • A Grumpy Cat


  • alwayspunkindrublic

    SOMEbody at Fox slept through the late night advertisements for the amazing Shark-Vac.

  • JParkerSD46

    Where’s the land shark when you need him? Every time I think I’ve heard the stupidest thing a mouth hole could ever say (think Republican prez clown car occupants), one or more of the Fox fools raises (or lowers) the bar. SMHIUA.

  • CripesAmighty

    Who knows why sharks live in the ocean: the tide goes in, the tide goes out…?

    • StrangerWithCandy

      You win the Internet today.

  • JurisGal

    They had to be joking, they just had to be. No way was that a real segment. They can’t be that simple, can they?

    • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

      Why not? Their audience is.

    • Teto85

      If you can tolerate it, spend 5 minutes or so watching.

  • Helena Handbag

    This reminds me of the QVC host and hostesses debating over whether the moon is a planet or a star. Maybe they all went to the same school?

  • splashy79

    Surfer on a board looks a whole lot like a seal, the shark’s favorite food, so yeah, surfers are MOST at risk. Duh. Go in the ocean on a short fast surfboard and you are more likely to have a shark problem.

  • Jared James

    Helmets would unfairly inhibit their window-licking hobby.

  • SomeOtherDude

    I was a surfer dude in my youth in FL. And you wouldn’t believe the number of yankee tourists who would ask us dumb stuff like “Any sharks out there?” And we would go — “Let’s review, sharks live in the ….?” “And that water is the …?” Apparently dumb asses predated Faux News.

  • Matthew Hawkins

    Jesus Christ Evan, it could happen anywhere. Didn’t you watch the documentary with Chevy Chase in the 70s. A simple safety tip is to not open your door to telegrams….delivered by sharks.

  • Santana999

    And in other news the weeping pustules on the curvy couch shoved sandwiches up their butts just to see if they could poop out of their mouths. Because that seemed like totally logical and it worked on South Park.

  • MtMan415

    They do have shark nets in swimming areas in Australia and S Africa to protect people. There are other methods like shark repellent and electronic means. Not sure if this would work in an area as large as a surfing contest, but the writer could have done a little research here.
    That way he wouldn’t sound like a “FUCKING MORON” that doesn’t know what he is talking about, like Mrs. Hasslebeck.

  • Bob Harrow

    Shark nets at surf comps outa the question nucklehead.. nope its just sick fckn mericans that want a fckn solution to every thing. I recon they could shootum with tranquilizer darts from helicopters or bring in kyle… fck i give up. No no no i got it . The surf comps could be held at a vegas wave pool. Jobs done. Boom boom..

  • Joel Greggain

    This article feels nit-picky to me. It was a color piece with simple banter over it. While they do say a lot of idiotic things, criticizing them for this makes their critics (me) look petty.

    • AnneBoleyn

      Doocy? Is that you?

    • not ted danson

      Yeah, the people that host a national morning news show are complete morons, let’s just give them a pass! Lowered standards anyone?

  • newhopes

    I think this article is hysterical! The actual video is amazingly, insanely idiotic … But this post had me in stitches.

  • dshwa

    If they replaced those three with the talking couch from Peewee’s playhouse, the level of discourse would go way up.

    • spacecat in space

      The secret word is BENGHAZI!

    • Teto85

      And Chairy to have a dialog at least.

  • wryawry

    And some, I assume, were good sharks.

  • Me not sure

    My favorite sharks live on the land.

  • Ryan Denniston

    ““If a three-time world champion surfer isn’t safe, who is?””

    You can almost hear it, can’t you. “If a rich man can get hit by a bus, then none of us is safe.”

  • not ted danson

    I forgot how much i hate that vapid hole Elizabeth Hassleback. Thanks Wonkette!

  • GeeEmm

    I am laughing so hard right now no mouth sound is coming out. Genius word-fixing, Evan!

  • StrangerWithCandy

    “But then when you see a champion surfer and you have a three camera shoot and an overhead shot, [you] say, ‘Oh my goodness, it could happen anywhere”

    Anywhere except on land.

  • David Webb

    I disagree: Hasselbeck is not as stupid as Kilmeade! No one is as stupid as Kilmeade! Kilmeade is the king of stupid! No, Kilmeade is the GOD of stupid! Hasselbeck is simple one of his stupid concubines. So is Doocy.

  • Sterculius

    Why don’t all these sharks go to the Hamptons, where they could become folk heroes.

    • lynchie

      Some nice rich meat there. Marinated in pate, champagne and caviar

  • Lord-Nash

    “If a guy who spends his career, and therefore most of his working hours in the ocean, which is waaaaaay more than most people, loses the odds and gets attacked by a shark, then NONE of us are safe!”

  • chief_warrant

    They thought sharknado was a documentary

    • Teto85

      And they probably phoned in after part 3 to determine Tara’s fate.

  • fifthdentist

    They’re right. Sharks have been attacking people on land since the 1970s. … Candy gram.×540.jpg

  • OneDemin EOr

    Oh, smh Hasselbeck, “Surfers’ safety are the priority”?
    Now I remember why I never watch these goofs.

  • DsMTwoShoes

    I have often wondered if these people ever listen to themselves? Or have a loved one or close friend play the Devils Advocate?
    But that was a waste of time, for they obviously don’t!

  • Teto85

    Sharks swim in the oceans and have been seen in estuaries and some rivers. They extract oxygen from water through their gills. They have organs like other animals and like other animals they make babies, sometimes oviparous and sometimes viviparous. And they eat and they poop. It’s the process of their eating that sometimes gets folks upset as they tend to be at the top of the local food chain if orcas are not around. They eat seals, otters and other ocean living animals. They also taste humans sometimes if humans venture out into their feeding zones (Bodies of water where sharks live) That’s how sharks work. Sharks are cool, just leave them alone.

  • Enfant Terrible

    How not to get eated by sharks…

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