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Donald Trump, good Christian

We have been so busy LOLing and WTFing over Donald Trump’s attack on John McCain for being a fake war hero, with his weak-assed POWing, because Trump “like[s] people that weren’t captured,” that we almost forgot to tell you some of the other hilarity of Trump’s weekend. Almost.

Trump’s brilliant assessment of what makes a real war hero was delivered to the Bible-humping base of the Republican Party (yeah, we know, that’s redundant), at the Family Leadership Summit, in Ames, Iowa. That’s where the GOP candidates try to out-Jesus each other with soaring rhetoric about how much they hate buttsex and ’bortions, like the Bible says. Just one teeny tiny problem for Donald Trump: God talk ain’t his strong suit. Trump is more comfortable threatening to kick ass and telling “losers and haters” how stupid they are. Still, when in Iowa, and all, so here’s Trump trying to show the values voters how much he, like the other candidates, is into God n stuff:

Trump, who told CNN earlier that he is both anti-abortion and anti-same-sex marriage, said people are surprised to learn about his Christian faith.

“People are so shocked when they find … out I am Protestant. I am Presbyterian. And I go to church and I love God and I love my church,” he said.

Well yeah, of course we are shocked to find out Trump goes to church and loves God, because come ON, Jesus was weak, and we’d figure Trump likes saviors who didn’t get crucified. But as we learned not so long ago, Trump is a real family values kind of guy, as all of his wives and mistresses will tell you. That’s part of what has made Donald Trump so great at life, in addition to simply being Donald Trump. It’s also why he has never bothered to ask God for forgiveness because if Trump has ever done something wrong — and come on, he probably never has — he just fixes it himself because he doesn’t need God.

“I think if I do something wrong, I think, I just try and make it right. I don’t bring God into that picture. I don’t.”

Trump said that while he hasn’t asked God for forgiveness, he does participate in Holy Communion.

“When I drink my little wine — which is about the only wine I drink — and have my little cracker, I guess that is a form of asking for forgiveness, and I do that as often as possible because I feel cleansed,” he said. “I think in terms of ‘let’s go on and let’s make it right.'”

Spoken like a truly God-fearing church-attending man of faith, one who definitely knows that Presbyterians drink grape juice, not real wine, in communion. Munching on his little cracker, aka the body of Christ, is Trump’s own special way of getting right with God, not that he needs to, because when has Trump ever done anything wrong? Never, that’s when. He’s Donald fucking Trump! And if you don’t understand just how good at God he is, like how he is good at everything, you’re obviously one of those dumb haters and losers whose IQ is not nearly as YOOOOGE as Trump’s.

[CNN]

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  • Msgr_Moment

    Eat me on a Ritz, Donnie. –J.C.

    • Gristle McThornbody

      And wash it down with a snort of my blood.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Everything’s better if it sits on a Ritz!

  • SK

    Trump said that while he hasn’t asked God for forgiveness, he does participate in Holy Communion

    Basically when God tells him to “bite me,” he does.

  • Seaside

    Wait, didn’t Jesus get captured by the Romans?

    • SK

      They were not real Romans.

      • Dave

        RINOs – romans in name only.

    • Thaumaturgist

      Jesus didn’t actually get captured by the Romans. He was captured by the Iraqis, who then gave Jesus to the Romans on a silver platter.

  • Esteban Rey

    Do presbyterians take communion? That would be news to me. Edit: Wellwaddayaknow, they do!

  • BearGHAZI

    If there was a God, I bet he’d have a combover made of his butt pubes

  • calliecallie

    I don’t know if Trump is a prayerful man, but I am quite certain God has answered the Democrats prayers with this Trump candidacy.

  • TheBidenator

    Jesus f’ing Christ on a cracker Trump is a YOOGE moran….now, uh what was the article about?

  • ManchuCandidate

    When Trumpism arrives in US Amercia, it will come wearing bad hair and muttering “Something something Jeebus.”

  • BearGHAZI

    Give the man an enema, you could bury him in a matchbox

    • arglebargle

      Jerry Falwell libelz!

      RIP Hitch

  • Antimassacree

    The only Scripture verses The Donald ever quotes are from Chapter 11.

  • MrBlifil

    Well he’d certainly better not have been responsible for any abortions. I’d say it’s 50/50 that will come back to bite.

  • FZsdaughter

    This is why a church closes down every seventeen seconds.

  • VandeGraf

    Makes me wanna hold the Stetson in both hands, look down, move the tip of my boot back and forth in the dust, and say, “Shucks, ma’am.”

  • elviouslyqueer

    Oh please, I call such bullshit on this. TRUMP obviously worships at the Blessed and Immaculate Cathedral of Facepalm Jesus, Package Liquor Store, and Check Cashing Emporium, LLC.

  • cousin itt

    God hates jag offs.

  • dslindc

    I also too drink wine on Sunday. Now what’s all this about church?

    • Latverian Diplomat

      Don’t worry about it. It’s a fad that won’t catch on.

    • cousin itt

      Holy spirits.

    • jviscont1

      you don’t want go, the service usually sucks.

      • Sharkey

        The chicken’s sort of okay though.

        • Vecciojohn

          Order the house special fried rice. It hasn’t been on the steam table for hours like the regular stuff.

  • wingr47

    If Ya don’t know if YOU are a Prot. OR Pres. then Ya got NO religion.

  • freakishlystrong

    Here’s what is so awful. Every four years we have to hold our breath and pray that what ever fascist demagogue the Republicans hork up for a candidate can be stopped with enough of us voting. That it’s as close as it is depresses the hell out of me. Trump is a carny for sure, but they’re all awful. All of them.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      Yep, they’re all singing the same old song, just in different keys.

    • weejee

      And you noticed how very strongly they all immediately got on Trump’s case the Donald saying Walnutz was just a POW wuss.

      • eddi

        Donald Dim starts people looking into enlistment and combat records of the Rebs there will be draft-dodging Hell to pay. Shut him down quick.

  • Good_Gawd_Yall

    There is just no way that trump views gawd as anything other than competition.

    • Vecciojohn

      Trump has a great relationship with God, just like with the blacks and the non-rapist Mexicans.

      • eggsacklywright

        Some of his best friends are gods.

  • weejee

    have my little cracker

    Would it be transubstantiation libel if we were to assume that the ‘little cracker” would be Daisy Mae?

    • elviouslyqueer

      Granny Clampett would be a safer bet.

      • nightmoth

        Granny’s too smart for Trump.

    • nightmoth

      Daisy does resemble his little cracker and ex-wife, Marla Maples, from the Georgia mountains. He divorced her just shy of a prenuptial agreement deadline which would have considerably upped her take of his sweet monies.

      • Mehmeisterjr

        Hey, the Cedars of Lebanon, the Maples of Georgia, he’s all about religion, this guy.

    • OneYieldRegular

      Donald “Little Cracker” Trump.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      “Check, please.”

    • Biff52

      On a Ritz? Mmm, good cracker.

    • Querolous
  • Dee Andee

    I was raised Presbyterian, and I remember no crackers. Doughnuts, after services, but only for the grown-ups, while we got fed a steady diet of “Yes, Jesus Loves Me” choruses in Sunday School, but no crackers.

    • elviouslyqueer

      True story: one of our church members forgot to bring bread for communion one Sunday, which entailed a mad rush by our pastor to the nearby Kroger, whereupon he purchased, of all things, Cheddar Cheese Goldfish Crackers.

      Presbyterians have a well-deserved rep as the Frozen Chosen, but there was much joyful noise from our congregation when those were passed around during communion.

      • Dee Andee

        Aw, that’s cool. Good story!

      • Ill-Advised

        What?! And I thought the Episcopals had a lock on that franchise. Who knew Wonkette was such a font of religious instruction?

    • OneYieldRegular

      When I was about 10 I attended a service at a Presbyterian church with a friend’s family. I can still taste that wafer. It was so mealy and dry and tasteless that I transubstantiated into an eternal atheist.

      • Dee Andee

        I told my parents when I reached the seventh grade that I wasn’t going to go to church or Sunday School any more. I was tired of being the representative for my family while every other lazy-ass in the house slept in. I was also tired of “well-meaning,” but fucking annoying church ladies urging me to encourage my parents to come to church. Yeah, like they’d actually listen to me. Ha.

  • exinkwretch

    Let me tell you, folks, that stale, crappy communion wafer goes down a lot better with a big dollop of Beluga caviar on it!

  • JoeChristmas

    He’s a real crudesader.

  • Thaumaturgist

    Christians aren’t perfect . . . ? They’ll take a bigot any day.

  • Barbara Delaney

    There’s one theological conundrum solved. Transubstantiation has been a subject of debate since the earliest days of the church. It was in 831 A.D. that Paschasius Radbertus published a treatise openly advocating the doctrine of transubstantiation, but it wasn’t officially dogma until 1215 A.D.

    Now Trump has settled the question once and for all in his magnificent theological treatise titled “My Little Cracker and My Little Wine”. It’s being universally praised for its brilliance and it’s stunning simplicity.

    Pope Francis is expected to comment on this matter of Christian dogma soon……any minute now…..

    • Mehmeisterjr

      The encyclical Filioli saltine et mihi parvisque vinum immensa est is the greatest papal utterance since Ubi primum.

  • davebedini

    My mother was Presbyterian. When they had communion, they used grape juice, because they were a teetotaler bunch. So, I suspect that Trump may be lying about that, too. Not that it matters, Rave on, Donald.

  • Latverian Diplomat

    “I really admire the Church, especially for swinging that no taxes deal. I would love a piece of that sweet, sweet action. So every Sunday I go to try and figure out how they do it. No luck so far, but since I’m a Presbyterian, I can still pick up a few tips on real estate, golf, and other business matters over coffee after services.”

  • goonemeritus

    Are Presbyterian technically Christian?

    • Bitter Scribe

      Depends whom you’re asking.

    • Wombat

      Depends on the flavor and who you ask.

    • eggsacklywright

      I subscribe to the Presbyterian People’s Front.

    • Villago Delenda Est

      They’re technically Christian in pretty much the same way Catholics and Mormons are to the serious fundigelical vermin.

    • Bill Slider

      They were once very big on pre-destination. Everything, including when, and of what, each person would die, was preordained by God, and there was nothing any individual could do to deviate from what was preordained. It was God’s will. Thy will be done. Let’s hope God didn’t screw up and preordain the Donald to be President.

    • nmmagyar

      No to us Catholics.

    • hillarysleftone

      Only to the extent it doesn’t conflict with a 7AM tee-time at the club before, and the Redskins game at 1:00, after.

      So, from 11 to 12 on Sunday, and we don’t go for any of that Wednesday night crap, either, that’s for Baptists and others who can’t get the job done in one morning a week…

    • natoslug

      You’re thinking of Unitarians. Hippie peace-loving open minded friendly bastards . . .

  • schmannity

    Fun fact: Trump was skulking behind Ivanna’s back with Marla Maples by meeting up at church.

    • Vecciojohn

      I should hope so. It would have been entirely improper of him to call on her at home in the absence of a chaperon. A gentleman may, I hasten to assure you, address a “how-d’ye-do” to a lady of his acquaintance at a Presbyterian church at any time without fear of giving the least offense.

  • calliecallie

    What’s that thing about the rich man, the camel, and the eye of a needle? Donald, you can’t fool us. You don’t believe in that crap, and you know it.

    • natoslug

      A rich man needs many camels to carry his wealth to heaven, even if his dick could fit through the eye of a needle? I can’t remember if that was old or new testament.

  • Mary

    Trump is the true family values candidate. He’s had more families than any of his rivals.

  • schmannity

    NEWS FLASH: TRUMP GOES AFTER CRACKER VOTE

    • Villago Delenda Est

      Another upfistalooza needed here…

    • John Eubanks

      I’m offended. We prefer “Trailer Trash”.

  • What kind of cheese goes best on Jesus?

    I’m thinking maybe Swiss, because it’s holey.

    • Mary

      Trump (TM) cheese. Obviously.

    • elviouslyqueer

      Swiss, of course. Because it’s HOLE-Y.

      Okay, okay, I’ll see myself out.

      • CORRECT!

        (You owe me a week’s worth of upfists for the edit I just made.)

      • BloviateMe

        Jesus gives you a hole-y hand for that one.

    • Arcturus

      Casu marzu, definitely.

    • eggsacklywright

      Divine, of course: http://divinedairy.com.au/

  • Nounverb911

    “I go to church and I love God and I love my church,”

    And when exactly did you go to church last, Donnie?

  • OneYieldRegular

    Little wine? Little cracker? That is surprising. I imagine Trump more like: “Little wine, little crackers – that’s for sissies! I spent millions hunting down and digging up the Savior’s grave so I could have his actual body and blood every day. What? Why are you all looking at me like that? Do you know who I am?”

  • JMPesq

    “Presbyterians drink grape juice, not real wine, in communion”

    Is this true? That seems really, really bizarre, it’s not the magical blood of a guy who died two millennia ago if it’s not (cheap) red wine. And it’s not like the little sip has enough alcohol to effect you, that’s why even little kids can get a sip. Man Protestants are strange.

    • eggsacklywright

      Now, if they were offering Turley Zin, I’d sign up.

    • proudgrampa

      Baptists use grape juice, too. And yes, Protestants ARE strange. Very.

      • bluejayray

        The mormons use Koolaid.

  • Markuserektus
    • jmk

      Whoa… and may I say… wow.

  • Lady Bug

    Well that wasn’t awkward or painful at all.

  • Morsum me

    “People are so shocked when they find … out I am Protestant.”

    Yeah, I was SO shocked to learn The Donald™ is a WASP.

  • Dave

    When they start passing around the Jesus Joint, I’ll be there every Sunday.

    • Barbara Delaney

      I’ll be the blur speeding past you.

    • eggsacklywright

      Toke, eat, this is my body.

      • bluejayray

        I can’t get past the cannibal aspect.

    • One word: Rastafarians.

      • jmk

        Ew. No. They may all be high as fuck, but the actual religion is homophobic and nasty, and women have no spiritual life outside of their menfolk.

  • Msgr_Moment

    This is my timeshare,
    Split with you.
    Remember me every time that you use it.

  • Beowoof14

    Donald’s Church – http://www.churchofeuthanasia.org/

  • Markuserektus

    Next,

    • bluejayray

      If he’s going to trash-talk Jesus, he should know that the new, improved supply-side Jesus packs heat and is a REAL billionaire–not God’s hair-apparent.

  • Haymz_Jetfield

    “Transubstantiation is for losers and wannabes! I feast on the ACTUAL blood, and the ACTUAL body of Christ every day and every night!”

  • Villago Delenda Est

    I was raised in a Presbyterian household, and while I’m now fully devoted to FSM, I don’t recall them being nearly as Mammon-o-centric as The Donald is. Supposedly he has Scot roots (not just on his haid) and I pray to FSM that he’s not connected to my clan in any way, shape, or form.

    • eggsacklywright

      Aye. The McLeod clan bids noTrump.

    • Bill Slider

      FSM is?

      • John Eubanks

        Flying Spaghetti Monster.

        • Bill Slider

          I was on wrong wave length, trying to connect F with S&M.

          • SoSezYou

            Well, that is a different church as well…

        • nightmoth

          But which sect? Whole wheat or regular? That’s really important to the modern FSM Church!

          • eggsacklywright

            Don’t fall under their spelt.

          • bluejayray

            Sadly I had to go gluten free and forgo the sauce.

        • proudgrampa

          May you be touched by his Noodly Appendage.

      • cessnadriver

        The one and only true God. Ramen!

        • Blank Ron

          Invisible Pink Unicorn (may Her holy hooves never be shod!) libel!

  • Pugsandcoffee

    I am seriously just beyond thrilled that he finally put his bankruptcy dollars where his mouth has been all these years and is officially running. Trump is a national treasure.

    • handyhippie65

      did you mean trump’s treasure is the nation’s?

  • Bill Slider

    Christian Communion: unleven bread just like the Bible says, I think. Any substitute, and you might as well use chocolate chip cookies. As for wine or grape juice, it’s still the Victorian period and prohibition for many a church not Roman Catholic.

    Amazingly, many of these right wing religions that believe everything in the Bible should be accepted verbatim, are the one’s that find Communion to be symbolic only, and will substitute saltine crackers over wafers, or use bread containg yeast, and grape juice over wine.

    • Mintie
    • Blank Ron

      So, matzohs and a little sip Manischewitz?

      • Bill Slider

        Of course. It’s very Christian. Just like my Mom would take the leftover mashed potatoes from Sunday dinner and repackage them as potato pancakes for Monday dinner. I was out of college before I realized that I had grown up eating Jewish latkas, ogten with a pork chop, but still had never met a real Jew. Except, of course, the man and his sister who owned this great bakery in my small town of 5,000. He had a number tatooed on his forearm, but no one ever mentioned he was a Jew. The discussion, always short, was he had been a prisoner in WWII, end of discussion.

        • david green

          The elderly neighbors when I was a kid both had the number tattoo, and no one ever explained it to me either.

  • Joshua Norton

    Trump’s Jesus isn’t some pansy-ass wuss that would actually die on a cross. Trump’s version of Jesus is so butch and macho (like Trump is) that he’d just make a daring escape and smack the roman soldiers around a little for pissing him off.

    • spends2much

      Trump Jesus ain’t no Long-Hair, either. Trump Jesus would rock a bleached comb-over.

  • Dog Gone

    I believe the use of wine by Presbyterian churches varies from church to church, and is not consistent. So Trump the chump may very well have consumed wine during communion.

    However, when he starts talking about communion crackers, I’m afraid I envision those little goldfish crackers, the ones that resemble the fish symbol of Christianity — and it sounds like that is what Trump is thinking of as well, not communion wafers. Maybe he thinks crackers are classier than wafers; with him nothing is sacred, and sure as hell nothing is dignified.

  • the Family Leadership Summit, in Ames, Iowa

    Ah, that’s why my balls were burning all weekend. The fundies were in town talking about them.

  • AngryKatie

    Now I might be wrong on this because I was raised Catholic, not some kind of hippie Protestant with people playing guitars and a cheerful pastor and what not (this perception is based solely on the one time I went to church with a pastor’s kid I was going out with). But, my understanding is that Presbyterians don’t really do confession confession. At least not with a guy in his half of a dark closet and me making up sins to confess in the other side (like I was going to admit to anything I ACTUALLY did, pffft). They do a group confession and then a silent thinking about your sins. I remember this because I found the lack of an intermediary novel.

    So I guess Trump is going over his mental list of enemies or something while that was happening.

    • bluejayray

      The catholic church near me in the 70s had guitar masses and hippie trappings.

      • AngryKatie

        Outrageous! We just had drunk priests. Sure they were fun, but more in a terrifying angry uncle way, not a have some donuts while we sing folk songs way.

      • jmk

        The Catholic church my family went to did, also too. The church itself looked like a large bank from the outside, and some of the priests tried so hard to be hip and groovy.We actually really did sing Kumbaya.

        • bluejayray

          Heady days, heady days…

  • Dog Gone

    I believe the use of wine by Presbyterian churches varies from church to church, and is not consistent. So Trump the chump may very well have consumed wine during communion.

    However, when he starts talking about communion crackers, I’m afraid I envision those little goldfish crackers, the ones that resemble the fish symbol of Christianity — and it sounds like that is what Trump is thinking of as well, not communion wafers. Maybe he thinks crackers are classier than wafers; with him nothing is sacred, and sure as hell nothing is dignified.

  • georgiaburning

    Didn’t Jesus get captured?

    • Mary

      Yup. Total loser that one.

    • cessnadriver

      Jesus got captured, Mohammed didn’t.

      • bluejayray

        Now see–there you go! It’s pretty clear to me.

      • Mohammed rode into battle with his army and once got knocked cold off his horse, does that count? Damn, the Muslims were terrified when they thought that the infidels had killed the Prophet. But when he came too he told them off for worrying too much about him, a mere human.

  • Mona Perlman

    With that mouth on him, I would give Trump about a month before he got us into World War III. More…

  • stevola

    “When I drink my little wine…and have my little cracker…”

    This is from the Onion, right?

    • bluejayray

      Pretty obnoxious, isn’t it.

    • DemmeFatale

      Trump ALWAYS sounds like an Onion headline.
      (Even the Onion can’t make this shit up.)

  • arglebargle

    The Presbyterians may use grape juice in their cute little ceremony, but THE DONALD turns his into wine all by himself before indulging. Just like that other real estate mogul, Jesus.

  • Biel_ze_Bubba

    Jeebus has nothing on Trump and his miraculous Multiplication of the Loans.

    • Mehmeisterjr

      The Loans and Fishy Bankruptcies.

      FIFY

  • RachelK

    The Presbyterian church I grew up in used real wine. Of course, we also had an AIDS outreach center in the basement and the workers came to youth group to give us quality sex ed and teach us all how to use condoms, so perhaps my experience is not typical. The thing was though, you only did communion a few times a year, not every Sunday, so I don’t know what he means by doing it as often as he can. That’s catholics.

    • bluejayray

      Good on them for the honest sex ed. That would make a big difference. Sex is not a scary monster from the devil when you are taught the facts.

      • Whale Chowder

        You!…you…HEATHEN!

        • bluejayray

          And PROUD of it! No gods, no masters.

  • disqus_0lWqMBoD8b

    The difference between Donald Trump and God:

    God doesn’t think he’s Donald Trump.

    • bluejayray

      Good point.

    • bluejayray

      Good point.

  • azeyote

    “Them little smokey wieners are good” – Pawn Shop Chronicles –

  • At the Bible Church I attended as a child, they taught that you had to be right with God BEFORE you accepted communion, or it was blasphemous.

    • Blank Ron

      In this case, The Donald would want to make sure that God was right with HIM first.

  • Spurning Beer

    Snackraments!©

    • bluejayray

      Well DOH!…

    • vivian

      Snacramints™. “Holy Shit, do I feel refleshed!”

  • Strepsi

    But Jesus was captured by the Romans! Some “hero”… and God let him be captured! What a LOSER.

    http://media.giphy.com/media/qjqFjoqYgLwZO/giphy.gif

  • Spurning Beer

    There but for the grace of God goes God.

  • whitroth

    Wonkette, how could you not believe that he deeply, truly, fully LOVES his God?

    Um, you *do* know his God is also named Mammon, right?

    mark

    • bluejayray

      They must have thought he said “mormon”…come to think of it, that’s pretty much the same thing.

  • Christopher Boscarino

    People pray to God. God prays to Donald Trump. – Donald Trump (2015)

  • fawkedifiknow

    The Donald doesn’t ask for favors from God. He negotiates with Him. He makes deals with Him. Deals that are bigly in Donald’s favor. Bigly, I tell you. That’s the difference between the Donald and all the rest of Mankind. The Donald knows the Art of the Deal, and God is no better than the Chinese, and maybe only a little bit better than the Messicans. Either way, He’s a Loser, with a capital “L” when negotiating with the Donald.

  • major_asshole

    By god, I’m not even Christian anymore and I’m insulted by his “little wine” and “little cracker” bit. I didn’t spend five years of my life as an altar boy–nothing happened–for someone with an ass for a mouth like Donald Trump to insult the stuff I helped to consecrate every fucking Sunday.

    Dear Fuckface von Clownstick: It’s the body and blood of (your supposed) Son of God. It’s communion wine and a communion wafer. Fuck you.

    ETA: I’ve got ten bucks that says the Short-Fingered Vulgarian drinks a lot more wine than he’s admitting to. That pussy can’t possibly be man enough to drink good liquor like bourbon.

    • nightmoth

      Yessir, and I salute you, Major!

    • idiotboy

      I was a failed alter boy, got fired by the head nun, who was yes, a full penguin dresser. Priests passed the dirty work to her. I did not appreciate 6:30 AM mass and my paper route enough.
      So there is a God, and he turned out to be Hobie Alter.
      Bottoms Up! fellow former ataboys.

      • Biff52

        I was bummed when Hobie checked out last year, good guy, and good products.

      • anniegetyerfun

        ISWYDT

    • Genevieve LeLanne

      Yo, newsflash, you were NEVER a Christian.

      • major_asshole

        Um. Wat.

  • gratuitous

    What’s the difference between God and Donald Trump? God never thinks he’s Trump.

  • marxalot

    I was raised by Catholics (in deference to Comrade Mom, I don’t say
    “raised Catholic” because if you raise cotton, you get cotton) and the
    first thing I thought when I heard this Trumptian nonsense was “well, he
    must be a Prot of some kind, because no way he’s bribing the Archbishop
    enough to receive Catholic communion.” Plus, even us lapsed types use
    all the right words and know the confusing rationalizations behind the
    rituals we don’t preform anymore.
    But I’m kind of confused, because I wasn’t aware that the Presbyterians had accepted the sponsorship deal from Mammon. I mean, everyone knows Episcopal spells Pepsi-Cola, but what can you do with Presbyterian?

    • Alan Christensen

      I don’t know, but “Presbyterians” is an anagram of “Britney Spears.”

      • Boscoe

        Also “Briny Pets Ear” and “Artery Be Nips”!

  • Teto85

    Donald Trump loves Jesus, even though Jesus got crucified. Figured he’d be a lot more into saviors who didn’t get crucified.

  • gallbladder

    Separated at birth, but not in mind.

    • spends2much

      That’s the dream ticket, right there.

      • eddi

        Whose dream? Bill O’Reilly?

        • spends2much

          Jon Stewart, John Oliver… basically every living comedian. Also Hillary, I’d imagine.

          • eddi

            A PAC of comedians to support the whacko candidates. They could write off the donations as job related expenses.

    • richardgrabman

      Two half-wits?

      • eddi

        It doesn’t add up really.

    • Genevieve LeLanne

      Both photos were uh, shopped. Your icon is just lovely.

  • Spurning Beer

    “When I’m president, I will negotiate with the best vintners and bakers in the world — ’cause I’m a really good negotiator — so that American churches can do that religious thing with the cracker and the wine using the very finest of both, and I will make the French and the Italians pay for it.”

  • herrointment

    It….Could…Work!!

  • Zhu Bajie

    He probably figures he’s one of the Elect.

  • Zhu Bajie

    When Luther urged people to sin boldly, I don’t think he had fools like Trump in mind. Probably Dr Martinus would have torn Trump a new asshole, journalistically.

    • Genevieve LeLanne

      Luther did not urge people to sin boldly. I am so ashamed of the lies.

  • ganmerlad

    Grape juice and cut up cubes of bread at the Presbyterian church I went to as a youngster forever ago…no wine, no fancy crackers, and we didn’t call it “holy communion” either. Either he’s too busy looking at his phone to notice what he’s putting in his mouth, or he’s going to the wrong church. Most likely though, a Catholic gave him those crib notes. Because Trump is full of crap.

  • Portia McGonagal

    “My little wine and cracker” oh the piety and reverence! Sounds more like he’s confusing communion with happy hour.

  • spends2much

    Can I request that you include YOOOOOGE in every headline about this idiot? I laugh out loud every time I read it, and since the world sucks, I need every giggle I can get.

  • Jerry Noneofyourbizz

    Low carb communion wafers! With half the calories of regular communion wafers. Try new “Jesus Lite” baked, not fried!

    • Alan Christensen

      “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jesus!”

  • John Norris

    All you really need to know about The Trump: one, he eats pizza with a fork (see Daily Show report). Second, his campaign HIRED actors for this picture and let it go public:

  • LeftNotRightISIT

    So that pic of the trumpet reminds me of Colm Meany in Hell on Wheels TV Series. Kinda of a nasty guy but not anywhere near republicant miscreants who mean to destroy our country. Regardless, so sick of superstitious believers in Spooks, Spirits and Goblins these ignoramuses to use to run the most powerful country in the world in a sane manner. You religious fUchs need to go to texass and form your own inbread society and leave the US to Progress into an enlightened future with the rest of this world.

  • Fly

    Trump thinks he is like a god because anytime he speaks, everyone says, “Jesus Christ!”

  • Ryan Denniston

    “Munching on his little cracker, aka the body of Christ, is Trump’s own special way of getting right with God”

    I thought it was to tide you over until brunch at Perkins.

  • He’s a little crackers, all right …

  • Sterculius

    I wonder if that little cracker is actually LSD.

    • Genevieve LeLanne

      Guess you’d know!

  • Genevieve LeLanne

    Very silly comments, more rude and distasteful anything Mr.Trump has ever said. I think most of you are under 25 and only parrot hearsay back and forth among your little selves. Mr.Trump is not running for Saviour, he’s running for President. He doesn’t pretend to be an evangelical or born-again. He speaks from what he knows of God. It may not be much at this point, but he may have the last laugh. God may just have risen him up at this late hour to lead this nation.
    ISAIAH 55:4

  • L. E. Alba

    BTW. Trump is massive consumer of entertainment TV, et al. Also, he’s a proven plagiarist and obviously stole the John McCain insult from a Chris Rock routine that ran prominently on Netfix, Amazon & YouTube featuring the exact same joke…word for word.

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